Work Text:
“Can you feel — anything?”
I was bundled up in the blankets with my back to the hearth as Raphael laid next to me. With Anka chasing us both and the story of my grandfather finally being laid out to me, my mind couldn’t help but conjure anything simpler than the arbitrary mechanics of stone people.
“No, not really,” Raphael said. “Not anymore.”
I reached my hand out tentatively, waiting for him to slowly pull away. He didn’t. My fingers brushed his hair out of his face, where it came loose from the leather tie he usually wore.
“Can you feel this?” I asked, but he shook his head.
“It’s incredibly faint. Like a feather just brushed you.” To make a point, he brought a knuckle against my elbow, as lightly as he could.
My hand drifted down, tracing the curve of his cheek. It was rough, and I wondered then if male markayuq stopped growing facial hair at a certain point. I could make out the scars he’s gathered over the years. Ridiculously, I imagined him in a posh setting, all smoothed like ironed out sheets, sitting across from me during tea time. It didn’t fit him. A place like Bedlam where immortals roamed free and the trees loomed over like watchful giants shaped him to belong here and only here.
I had to shift closer to him as my fingers grazed the line of his jaw and to his throat. I felt my heart start to thump faster, as if I were in the thrill of a game. I was waiting for the moment he’d turn away or tell me to stop, but he only stared at my face silently.
Suddenly, he took my hand, but did not pull it away. He held it, and gave a small, reassuring squeeze. There was a glint in his eyes. He was asking for something — or giving me permission… for something.
I lifted the edge of the blanket and he moved into my space. He wasn’t cold to the touch, but surprisingly warm, and a great comfort to my frontside.
I didn’t have to move much to kiss him. He had tilted his head to meet mine, and a rush of ease filled my blood — like this was and will be the easiest thing I will do in all the two weeks of being here.
The kiss was quick, just a brush of lips and yet I was already waiting for the second kiss, and the third, and much more from him.
“Could you feel that ?” I asked in barely a whisper.
Raphael shook his head again, and I felt myself deflate inside. I was ready for him to turn away and leave me alone, but then he said with a slight smile, “Maybe if you do it again.”
And so I did, just as gently as the first.
“Again?” Raphael asked in a voice filled with a quiet hope.
I did it again, suddenly aching with relief and devotion. Why did nobody tell me kissing felt like this? Your heart beating madly in your chest, your stomach wanting to take flight, your bones wanting nothing more than to mend together against another’s. This feeling was stronger than an opium high, stronger than the victory that comes after smuggling something highly illegal. Maybe I was never told of this because I could have made a habit out of it. Would — have made a habit out of it.
Raphael moved on top of my body, careful not to press his entire weight on me. He’s been having short spells recently, and I should stop him before it happens again and we’re stuck in this compromising position, but I wasn’t afraid of the thought of him freezing like this. In fact, the thrill of fate only made me pull him closer by the neck, trapping him in the cage of my arms.
The beeswax smell he carried on him was strong, and his mouth only tasted of our dinner we had a while ago. My inhale to his exhale, we could have saved each other from drowning. At some point, I had opened my legs for him and he had settled between them. If God formed for us places to belong, his was in the crook of my body, and mine was beneath him, breathless and wanting.
“Goddamnit Raphael, if you tell me you still can’t feel —” He started to kiss the underside of my jaw hungrily.
He looked at me guiltily. “Not as strong as you. But I don’t think we should take that as a sign to stop. Unless…?”
“No, please don’t,” I breathed out. It was all starting to feel incredibly too much. My skin was too hot and I wanted nothing more than to melt into him.
I had covered my mouth with the back of my hand, realizing that I was making too much noise. But Raphael took my wrist and pinned it by my head. I didn’t think such a simple action would have had a sudden and inexplicable control on me. I burned at the thought that Raphael could hold me down and do whatever the hell he wanted. And I would have let him.
“Raph.” I jerked my hips up into his. There’s no way he didn’t already know what I wanted. It took everything in me not to grind against the knee that was pushing into my crotch. “A-Are you able to…?”
He froze for a second and turned his head away.
“Oh…”
He went in close to my ear, his breath tickling the shell of it and his hand just barely rubbing at my skin that was exposed at the hem of my shirt. “But it would be very impolite of me to leave you in such a state, wouldn’t it? Besides, just seeing you like this —”
He tugged me out of my shirt, the cold air hitting my skin briefly before I only felt the warmth of the blanket and the man on top of me. His hands were calloused, just as scarred as his face. The unfamiliar feeling of knuckles and nails trying to grasp at every inch of my skin consumed me with a desperation I have never felt before.
“Well, Merrick, seeing you like this,” Raphael breathed against my chest, his mouth sucking and kissing on anything he could get his lips on. “There’s nothing more I could ask for.”
I helped him unbutton my trousers. His fingers trailed down the line of coarse blond hair and then he was stroking me with deft and rough fingers, slowly, as if he were drawing this one moment out to last forever. He watched me carefully. If he wanted to remember my face at the mercy of his hands, I would be glad to offer that up to him. I tried to push away the thought that this could be our only chance together.
I stretched my head out to the side and Raphael’s mouth found its way back to the side of my neck, the bob in my throat, the gap in my collarbones. I felt his teeth scrape alongside there somewhere, and if he didn’t leave marks already, there had to be now.
His hand had picked up the pace. With the feeling of his mouth on me and his weight pressing down, the pleasure was all too immense. My ribs contained the sun, and Raphael was digging to get to it, after centuries of living in darkness.
My thighs tightened their hold around his hips, my hands felt along the ridges of his spine. I came as I pulled him in to kiss him senselessly. I’d have to deal with the knowledge that there will be nothing more gratifying than this moment. I’ll be chasing it for years, pulling out this memory on lonely nights like a faded photograph. We didn’t move for a while, then Raphael slumped by my side, looking weightless.
Another cataleptic spell must have arrived just as we finished. His nose was a hair's breadth away from my shoulder. He looked like he wanted to rest his head on it, but he was restraining himself.
“Merrick I — I’ve never done that before,” he said, getting quieter towards the end. He tried to smile graciously, but he closed his eyes.
“I haven’t either,” I said. My hand rested on the dip of his waist. I brought him in just a fraction closer.
Suddenly, disheartenment sewed me shut. If he were not himself, but somebody who could afford to live like a normal human being, he could have granted himself the simple mercy of being able to rest closer to somebody like me. Markayuq seemed more of a curse now than anything. I wanted to hold him, I wanted him to allow himself to hold me. I wanted him to love me with every second he loses to this unstoppable turning.
I nudged my head against his, praying in a futile attempt to God that he could feel the indescribable tenderness that encompassed my body.