Work Text:
5 days
Miss Hu Tao told me to write down what’s on my mind if I don’t want to talk about it. But even if I wanted to talk about it, I couldn’t say anything. I just feel empty. No thoughts.
7 days
I’ve seen him in my dreams again. Is he haunting me? Is he mad at me? Why won’t he stop following me . . . everywhere I go I see him standing, smiling his beautiful smile, or laughing at something. But I know that I’m alone.
10 days
I wanted to go to work again. I can’t stand staying in this apartment anymore. It’s his apartment - of course it reminds me of him. His scent lingers in every corner. I feel like I’m losing my mind. But Miss Hu Tao didn’t allow me in. Only then I remembered that you were probably still laying there.
15 days
I know that he wouldn’t want me to go to Snezhnaya. But he also wouldn’t want to stay in Liyue. I know how much he missed the snow and the cold of his home, even if he would always deny it. And someone needs to accompany him. It’s hard to sort out what to bring back to his family and what to keep in his apartment.
18 days
He always told me how cold it was in Snezhnaya. But I never believed that there could be a place this freezing cold. My human body can’t cope with the cold as good as my Archon body. The cold at least preserves his body, so his family can have a last look at him. I don’t have any tears left. Which is good. The teardrops froze on my skin. And he wouldn’t want me to cry. He would want me to continue living. It was clear that this would happen one day. But why did the day come so early? We hadn’t had any time. This is so unfair.
20 days
We’ll reach his home by tomorrow. We hadn’t had any problems until yet. Snezhnaya is quiet. Not only I lost him. Everyone did. They aren’t eleven anymore. They’re only ten from now on. I’ve found some more tears. I don’t know how to look at his family. They hadn’t had enough time either. I don’t know what’s worse. Losing a lover or losing your son, your brother. What should I tell them? How can I tell them that I was the one holding their family member in my arms? I let him die. There was nothing I could’ve done to prevent this, was there? Maybe . . . if I had been faster, stronger . . . maybe I could’ve saved him . .
21 days
Why is his family so nice? Why are they so understanding? Why did they try to comfort me when I’m the one who couldn’t save their loved one? This is making it only worse. Why didn’t they say anything when I told them that I was his lover? Why did they invite me to stay? Why was his sister hugging me when I was crying? And why does Teucer look so much like him? He smiled when I gave him that Teddy Bear he bought Teucer some time ago. This isn’t fair. He wanted to be there when I meet them. Something’s missing. The rooms feel so empty without him around.
22 days
His bed still smells like him. This isn’t fair. Why me? Over and over again? Please make it stop. I wanted to love him. I wanted to spend time with him. It was taken from me. It was taken from us. Number six showed up today. He didn’t say anything when he saw me there. Maybe they didn’t care. Number six came to confirm the death, even though it was already known, spreading over the continent like a light fire. Number eleven has fallen! I can hear them shout if it’s quiet for too long. When number six left, I could see tears form in his eyes. Maybe Scaramouche cared after all. I can’t stand the silence, so I listen to his siblings talk about things I don’t care about. Every time I see him, I’m conflicted. I know that he’s not real. But I can see him again. I miss him.
24 days
It’s strange to hear them refer to him as Ajax. Today we let him go. We travelled up into the mountains to a lake. His family wanted him close. I wanted him in the wild, close to water – where he belonged. They let me choose a place. It was sad. They don’t know him as well as I do. He didn't have enough time with his family. They didn’t deserve this. I told them about my lover when we were back home. They listened to my words as if everything I told them was new to them. He wanted to protect them by keeping them out of his new life. He wanted them to love him even though he chose to become number eleven.
27 days
I’ll head back. This doesn’t feel right. Throughout the days everything is in motion and there’s noise, but at night, everything feels empty. The bed is cold when I lay down and it’s cold when I get up. I miss his heat. His scent is fading. I miss it. I miss his kisses. His soft touches. I miss his voice and his smile, and I miss listening to him when he laughs.
39 days
I feel empty. There’s nothing I can do except for staring at his illusion across the room for hours and hours. I tried to work again. But all I could do was staring at his beaming smile. Miss Hu Tao sent me back home. I continued to stare at his smile. It hurts.
52 days
Why does it still hurt so bad? I’ve seen worse but still, I can’t get over it.
70 days
Is he waiting for me?
89 days
Miss Hu Tao didn’t want to talk to him again. She said she talked to him already shortly after he died. She said he follows me around. He doesn’t want me to cry anymore. He wants to see me smile. But how should I smile when my only reason to smile is gone?
100 days
I’d give everything to hold him one last time.
104 days
How do I still have tears to cry?
109 days
Is he still there? I can’t feel him anymore
111 days
Please come back
136 days
He’s back. I can feel him.
141 days
He’s so close but so far.
150 days
I miss him. Why doesn’t it stop?
152 days
I can’t do this another time
158 days
Maybe I should do it
161 days
He wants me to smile. This is the way he’d get what he wanted.
167 days
He’s closer than before. Does he know what I’m about to do?
170 days
Give me 12 more days. I’ll end it all.
173 days
Why is this so hard?
175 days
Finally. It’s my turn.
178 days
He will hate me. But I can’t do this without him.
180 days
I want to be buried on land I created myself.
181 days
The wait is over.
182 days
I love you Childe.
183 days ;; 1 day
i see you finally found your peace. – hu tao