Work Text:
1)
“Okay, so, I’ve only been in New York for, like, three weeks now — but it’s great,” the girl says. She has short, blonde hair and her face is framed in pink glasses. “The street food is super cheap, but it’s actually kind of good? And I’ve only gotten lost, like, three times.”
The video is shaky, New York’s buildings sliding past her in the background. Fellow passersby ignore her completely, undisturbed by the girl filming herself on TikTok.
“And one time, I totally saw Spider-Man. I’m, like, ninety-percent sure it wasn’t just that Times Square Spider-Man, too.”
The girl’s head jerks to the side suddenly. Her eyes widen, and then she disappears from view. The sound quality turns scratchy, the microphone likely muffled by her hand. Instead of her face, there’s a shot of the ground — a pair of Docs, and when her hand moves, two more pairs of scuffed up tennis shoes.
“What’d you say?” the girl says, her voice still muffled.
“I said you’re beautiful,” a deeper voice responds. One of the pairs of tennis shoes takes a step forward.
“Fuck off,” the girl says, and then there’s more muffled sounds, the video swinging around unsteadily. The video goes dark for a second, the camera pressed against something blocking the picture. It’s even more muffled, now, but there are protests followed by murmurs, and then the camera moves again to show all three pairs of feet moving elsewhere quickly, the Docs struggling against the ground and facing the wrong direction. “Let me — go!”
“You wouldn’t be dressed like that for no reason,” another voice responds.
“I’m wearing a fucking t-shirt,” the girl barks.
There’s another second of struggling, the camera thrashing around, and then—
“Woah there! This doesn’t look safe, sane, and consensual,” someone quips. A new voice.
“Shit! It’s Spider-Man,” someone whispers.
The struggling abruptly stops. The camera jerks back up, showing the same girl from before. Her eyes are wide, her hair wild, and she glances at the camera for a second before looking past it. The image jerks as she taps the screen, and then it shows the view in front of her.
There are two men before her, their backs toward the camera. They’re standing defensively, crouched and nervous. In front of them, facing the camera, is Spider-Man.
“Hiya,” he says, walking closer languidly.
One of the thugs reaches behind him, grabbing something from the back of his waistband—
“Spider-man! He has a—”
“I’ll be taking that!” Spider-Man says brightly. A web shoots out, snatching the knife and thwipping it away. It flies out of the camera’s view, presumably to a rooftop. “Does that mean you want to do this the hard way?”
The camera’s shaking, evidence of the user’s nerves, but it still catches the way Spider-Man crouches down into a fighting position. Just like that, his entire demeanor changes. He no longer seems bright and undisturbed, a hair’s breadth away from making a joke. No, he’s New York’s hero, the same guy who swings into burning buildings and catches cars to protect pedestrians.
Before Spider-Man can fight, however, all three of the men in the alley are distracted by a loud clanging sound. Their heads turn, and the girl’s camera follows. Deadpool is climbing down a fire-escape, whistling merrily. He drops to the ground, right beside Spider-Man, who straightens abruptly.
“I thought I told you to stay on the roof,” he hisses.
“But then you threw a knife at me,” Deadpool says, his voice not hushed in the same manner. He holds up a knife, the same one Spider-Man stole from the thug. “I thought it was a signal.”
“Wha— it was me disarming a bad guy!”
“I can dis-arm him way better,” Deadpool says. He reaches behind him, unsheathing two katanas, and his presence suddenly seems to take up much more of the alleyway. “Who wants to go first? Or should I eenie-meenie-miney-mo it?”
Spider-Man grips the bridge of his nose through the mask. He shakes his head, just slightly, and then drops his arms. “No one’s cutting anyone’s arms off, ‘Pool.”
“Not yet,” Deadpool points out. “That girl probably wants to see them armless. I saw them grab something they shouldn’t have — isn’t that right, honey?”
The image jerks violently, the girl apparently surprised to be addressed for the first time. Deadpool waves at the camera.
“Um, I mean — yeah, but I don’t… I don’t want to see anyone’s arms get cut off.”
“Dammit,” Deadpool hisses.
Spider-Man ignores Deadpool. He steps forward, and a second later, both of the criminals are webbed to opposite sides of the alleyway, groaning.
The camera then jerks down, showing the ground and her feet again.
“Seriously, are you okay?” Spider-Man says, his feet coming into view.
“It’s never too late to want to cut their arms off,” Deadpool adds.
“Wade—”
The video cuts off there, going back to the beginning and showing the girl walking through the streets of New York. Overall, it was less than three minutes long. The video has 3.2M likes and over 60k comments.
@LaceyinNY 📌 Pinned
ty for the concern everyone! i’m doing all right. sorry i stopped filming i was overwhelmed lol. spidey was super nice and DP was too off camera. he was just joking and then he offered to buy me a street taco. also the spidey i saw at times square wasn’t the real one after all lmfao
❤️ 17.2k
@jjjjimmy
this has to be the closest I’ve ever seen spiderman on camera
❤️ 29.9k
@rat__cute
That is so scary Lacey I’m glad you’re okay. Thank God Spider-Man was there!
❤️ 8.6k
@user824022202
why is deadpool unintentionally hilarious LMAO
❤️ 14k
@humanmeatbag
is it just me or did dp and spidey argue like an old married couple? 😂
❤️ 22.5k
@jesterhardlyknowher
Spider-man and Deadpool are CLEARLY in love and I’m not afraid to say it
❤️ 28.9k
2.
nytimes.com
News Analysis
Spider-Man Spins Web to Save Citizens, Answers Questions About Deadpool
The explosion yesterday evening that destroyed a load bearing beam on Brooklyn Bridge left citizens shocked and terrified for their lives.
Bystanders react to Spider-Man saving the day, and Spider-Man answers the internet’s questions about his relationship with Deadpool.
Image description: A distant picture of the Brooklyn Bridge with fire and smoke surrounding it. A small, red figure (Spider-Man), swings out of one side of the smoke plume, a trail of smoke clinging to him.
By Elizabeth Wright
Jan. 20, 2022
At 6:42 P.M. this Thursday, Miss Lila Johnson, a sixth grader who can see the Brooklyn Bridge from her bedroom window, was terrified. She saw the whole thing. First, a boom that rattled her windows, followed by smoke billowing from the center of the bridge. Then came the screaming, the cars honking. She watched, helpless, as several vehicles careened toward the gap in the bridge.
“I thought, 'How is anyone supposed to survive that?' And then I remembered that my mom was on her way home from work. I was afraid she was on the bridge.”
Mrs. Johnson, Lila’s mother, was still two blocks away when the explosion happened, but Lila had no way of knowing this.
“I was so scared,” Lila said. “I was praying that Spider-Man would show up.”
Just like he does for so many New Yorkers, Spider-Man answered Lila’s prayer.
A bystander by the waterside, Mr. Quinton Jacobs, said it was like watching a miracle.
“It’s always like a miracle, isn’t it?” Mr. Jacobs said. “When Spider-Man shows up, you breathe a sigh of relief. Everything’s going to be okay.”
He said that Spider-Man swung out from behind him “out of nowhere,” careening toward the bridge and sailing across it in a second. While everyone else watched, helpless to change the outcome, Spider-Man slung out webs and caught cars, all while swinging around the gap in the bridge.
“I didn’t realize what he was doing, at first,” Mr. Jacobs said. “He was swinging all over the place, I thought he must’ve been avoiding the smoke and the heat. But Spider-Man always knows what he’s doing.”
Spider-Man had been spinning a web. When the weight of all the cars on the bridge caused it to crumble even further, two cars tipped over the edge. Instead of falling 127 feet to the water below, they fell less than five feet, caught and easily stabilized in Spider-Man’s web.
Jessica Woodson, a reporter for The New York Times, happened to be on the bridge when it exploded. After everyone was safe, Spider-Man agreed to answers Woodson’s questions for The New York Times. She described him as “endearingly bashful,” as opposed to the brave and quick-thinking Spider-Man New York is so used to seeing in the limelight.
“I heard the explosion, so I came running. Well, swinging,” Spider-Man said.
He refused to comment when Woodson pointed out that Spider-Man had yet to be seen swinging around New York today, suggesting that he might have been close by in a different kind of “uniform,” walking through New York rather than his usual method.
“I guess I built the web as a precaution,” Spider-Man said. Woodson said he was squatting on the railing of the bridge as they spoke. “I was webbing up all these cars, but my — I mean, I had this bad feeling that more might fall. So I was making the web at the same time, just in case.”
Finally, Woodson brought up the topic of Deadpool after the internet’s recent controversy, thanks to the viral TikTok posted by @LaceyinNY on Dec. 17.
“What TikTok?” Spider-Man said. “Oh. No, uh — Deadpool’s just a friend.”
Spider-Man had to take his leave soon after, but he asked Woodson for the TikTokker’s username before swinging away.
3.
@SpideySpottings
Spider-Man Spottings
5,972 189k 51
Posts Followers Following
•DMs open — only for pictures of Spider-Man 📸🕷🕸
•NOT all submissions will be accepted. Blurry, distant
pictures won’t often get selected.
•Spidey haters will be blocked.
***STOP SENDING PICS OF KNOCK-OFF SPIDER-MAN. IF
HE’S IN TIMES SQUARE, HE’S PROBABLY NOT SPIDER-MAN.
Post: 5 pictures
Image Description #1: Captured from a low angle, Spider-Man and Deadpool are seen sitting together on a roof. Their legs hang over the side, one of Deadpool’s legs extended slightly outward and blurry, as if he’s swinging them. His hands are in the air, similarly blurred as he gestures. Spider-Man’s head is tilted toward him, his body relaxed and leaned back, his weight resting on his hands behind him.
Image Description #2: Spider-Man is laughing, his body now doubled over. One hand curls around the ledge of the roof next to his knee. The other is against Deadpool’s side, shoving him away. Deadpool is no longer blurry. One hand hangs suspended in the air, as if he’s reaching for Spider-Man.
Image Description #3: Deadpool remains in the same position, his hand still suspended in the air, but Spider-Man now leans against him, as if he used the hand pushing Deadpool away to then pull himself closer.
Image Description #4: Deadpool’s hand now rests just above Spider-Man’s knee. His head has changed its angle slightly and is tilted down toward Spider-Man’s, who is still looking into the distance, the outlines of his body blurry with laughter.
Image Description #5: The image is the same as the previous, except now it is still and sharp, and Spider-Man has tilted his head up to look at Deadpool.
Liked by spidey_fangirl and 103,764 others
@SpideySpottings: Submitted by @annarose
Okay. Look. For the longest time, I thought the internet was just being the internet with this whole Spider-Man/Deadpool thing. That they were just two supers and friends who obviously spend a lot of time together fighting crime. People kept DMing me pictures of Deadpool even though I’m a Spider-Man account just because everyone was so obsessed with them. I was getting really annoyed and fed up and even further convinced that they had absolutely nothing to do with each other romantically.
But these pictures changed my mind.
I’ve posted THOUSANDS of pictures of Spider-Man. I receive hundreds more every day that just don’t make the cut. I’ve seen Spidey swinging, fighting, walking, jumping, and yes, taking fan photos with all of you. But I have never, EVER, seen a picture of Spider-Man like this.
If you scroll through my account, you’ll see hundreds of pictures of Spidey sitting on rooftops. But he’s never looked so relaxed. Even with fan photos — which are most of the only other pictures on this account that include people other than Spider-Man — he doesn’t look anything like this. Completely relaxed and care-free. He never seems uncomfortable, even when you guys submit photos where you asked him to do crazy poses, but this is just different.
So, I admit it. I think Spider-Man and Deadpool are together. And if that’s the case, I’m happy for Spider-Man. He deserves someone that makes him laugh this hard and who he can feel this comfortable around. I hope he’s happy, and I hope you guys don’t berate him about Deadpool if you run into him.
View all 30,779 comments
@spidey_fangirl: they’re in LOVE 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
@jollyjocelyn: i love spidey so much he looks so happy here i LOVE THEM TOGETHER
@genderhardlyknowthem: I WANT SOMEONE TO LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK???
February 4, 2022
4.
“Just The Facts with J. Jonah Jameson” — Episode 206
Begin transcript:
[Welcome back to your favorite podcast, Just The Facts. I’m your host, J. Jonah Jameson.
Now, all you listeners know that I can’t stand Spider-Man. There’s a reason I call him a Spider-Menance. The less intelligent population of New York has been convinced that this vigilante is a hero, but you know who the real heroes are?
Police officers. Firefighters. Paramedics. Soldiers.
These are people who, just like Spider-Man, risk their lives each and every day! Well, I don’t know if paramedics are risking their lives. Regardless, these people are saving lives. And you know what? They do it all without needing to hide behind a mask.
Any normal person would want the fame and glory associated with being a “super-hero,” right? Well, that begs the question: why doesn’t Spider-Man want this glory?
It’s because he’s hiding something! There’s something he doesn’t want any of us to know, and that’s why he’s cowardly enough to swing around our city in a mask!
As always, I’m getting ahead of myself. The real matter at hand today is this: Spider-Man and Deadpool.
Normally, when I’m not running my newspaper or filming this podcast or ranting to my wife over the dinner table, I do my best not to think about Spider-Man. He already creeps into my life every day, I don’t need him crawling around in brain in my free time, too. But nowadays, you can’t go anywhere on the internet without running into the strange new phenomenon.
Everyone, everywhere, is asking the same question. Is Spider-Man dating Deadpool?
Ha! You wanna know what I say to that? I hope it’s true. Because that’s just more proof that Spider-Man is a menace! Who’s more menacing than Deadpool, a “supposedly” reformed mercenary who killed people for a living?! It’s bad enough that Spider-Man even puts up with him, much less befriended him. It only makes sense that Spider-Man is evil enough to date him!
They’re spotted together almost constantly. Last week, I even saw a video of Spider-Man catching Deadpool with a web after he fell off a building. Answer me this: Why would Spider-Man bother to catch Deadpool — a guy who can’t even die — if they weren’t romantically involved? Huh? That’s right, he wouldn't!
You heard it here first! Spider-Man is madly in love with Deadpool, and that makes him even worse!]
/End transcript.
5.
“This is Melinda Varity with Channel Four News!” a woman pants, holding a microphone up to her mouth and running along the street, her high-heels clacking on the pavement loudly. “There were gun shots near the corner of 9th Street! It looks like we’re too late — the perpetrators are already being taken into custody — but it appears Deadpool is still on the scene!” She says all of this quickly, glancing between the camera and the street in front of her at the same time.
“Show the scene, Stan!” she hisses, waving her hand violently. The camera pans away from her.
There’s a gas station, illuminating the night with its bright overhead lights. Two police cars flash red and blue under the overhang, the backseats occupied. A hulking figure stands before the vehicles, dressed in red and black. One hand twirls a katana at his side as the other types away on a phone.
“Deadpool!” Melinda gasps. She runs up next to Deadpool, stopping by his side. The camera stops advancing, keeping them both in frame.
Deadpool’s head twitches to the side. He glances at the reporter, notices the camera, and then looks back to his phone. “One sec,” he says.
Melinda stands there, her mouth parted in surprise. No one says anything as Deadpool continues typing. Finally, there’s a swoosh of a message behind sent and then Deadpool tucks his phone into a pouch on his belt. “What’s up?” he says.
“Can you tell us anything about the crime scene?” Melinda asks.
A cop lumbers into frame. “The crime scene is still under investigation,” he says. “My officers aren’t allowed to comment at this time, and neither is Deadpool,” he adds, sending the mercenary a quelling glance. Deadpool, who had already begun to gesture as if he were about to start speaking, suddenly deflates.
“Can’t I at least tell them all the cool things I did?”
“No.”
Deadpool groans. “What’s the point of being good if I can’t brag about it?” he complains. Melinda takes a hasty step backward, Deadpool’s gesturing having included the waving of his katana.
The officer walks away, satisfied that Deadpool won’t talk.
“I was totally badass,” Deadpool says in a whisper. “Definitely saved the day.”
Melinda clears her throat. Appearing to regain her footing, she raises her microphone back to her mouth.
“Is there anything else you can talk to us about?” she prompts. Before Deadpool can answer, she adds, “Are you in love with Spider-Man?”
Deadpool guffaws. “Boy, am I!” he says. “Are you kidding? I could write soliloquies about that a—”
Spider-Man drops from the sky, landing in a crouch and immediately straightening up.
“Spider-Man!” Melinda says, surprised.
Spider-Man glances at her, then the camera, then at Deadpool. “Hi,” he finally says. “Uh, you ready to go?” he adds, this time directed at the mercenary.
“Hold up, I’m getting my five minutes of fame.”
Spider-Man crosses his arms. “You just texted me to come get you.”
Melinda perks up. “You two text each other?”
“Only all day every day,” Deadpool says.
“That’s not true,” Spider-Man blurts. “It’s a work phone. We text from work phones.”
Deadpool snorts, but doesn’t say anything.
“Is it true that you’re romantically involved?” Melinda says, steamrolling on.
“Jesus,” Spider-Man says, and then he wraps an arm around Deadpool’s waist, jumps, and shoots off a web. The two of them fly out of frame, but the camera swivels to follow them. They land on a distant rooftop, Spider-Man setting Deadpool down, and Deadpool slings his arm around Spider-Man’s shoulders as they walk across the roof until they’re out of view.
The camera angles back to Melinda.
“There you have it,” Melinda says. “Spider-Man and Deadpool text each other and refuse to comment on the status of their relationship. I’m Melinda Varity from Channel Four News.”
6.
“Shit,” a voice says, just at the livestream starts. It’s a teen with curly brown hair and clear-frame glasses. He appears to be crouching under a table and peering out a window offscreen. Out of view, there’s the sound of a crash. “What’s up guys, it’s ya boi Sharpshooter! I know today’s stream was supposed to be a tier list of first-person shooting games, but there’s a freaking monster outside and I can’t get home.”
He turns the camera around, showing the view outside the window. There’s what appears to be a monster rampaging through the streets of New York. It’s brown, scaled, and bigger than six cars stacked on top of each other. At that moment, it grabs a parked car and throws it at a building across the street. With a crash, the car sails through the window and into the building beyond.
“Holy shit,” the streamer says. “It better not throw a car through here, what the fuck.”
The stream is quickly climbing in viewers. The chat box on the side floods with comments.
jinkies: uh run away wtf
heroldgamer: rank new york’s monsters lol
lilybean: wheres spiderman!!!
“Rank New York’s monsters, hah! That’s hilarious. Actually, S Tier would probably be that goblin guy. S Tier as in, like, how dangerous they were. I don’t know about this guy. If I die then he’s definitely S Tier I guess—”
The streamer goes on to rank multiple villains, keeping the camera trained on the monster outside. Civilians scream as they run away, abandoning their cars in their haste to escape.
After just a couple minutes, Spider-Man drops out of the sky, swinging around the monster and shooting out webs.
“Oh, no way!” the streamer breathes. “Sick! It’s Spider-Man!”
bandeeznuts: SPIDER-MAN!!!!!!!
ashrimpfriedyourmom: I LOVE HIM. YOU’RE SAVED
brainbrr: RANK SPIDER-MAN
Outside, the monster is breaking out of Spider-Man’s webs. It roars, ear-piercing, and swipes a clawed hand through the webs restraining it. Spider-Man lands on its back, crawling up toward its head.
The monster, infuriated, rips a newspaper box out of the ground and chucks it aimlessly. It flies toward the camera, sailing above it, and there’s a resounding crash as the glass in front of the streamer suddenly disappears.
“Oh my God I’m gonna die I’m gonna die—”
“Spidey!” a voice calls. Deadpool comes ambling into frame, standing just a few feet away on the sidewalk. “Does ‘no killing’ apply to monsters?”
The monster whips its head, making Spider-Man nearly lose his grip. He hangs on with one hand, getting jerked through the air wildly before he finally manages to climb back on.
“No!” Spider-Man shouts. “It can die!”
Deadpool lets out what can only be described as a screech of joy.
beanpole: he’s here to save his bf
jennysaysthings: TEAM UP BATTLE LETS GO
gr8username: is no one else worried about sharpshooter?????
Together, Spider-Man and Deadpool fight the monster. Deadpool jumps off a car and Spider-Man — no longer on the monster’s back — swings through the street and catches Deadpool midair. He loops around and deposits Deadpool on the monster’s back, attempting to restrain it with webs once more.
“Thanks for the 5-bomb TeamGarfield,” the streamer whispers. “And thanks for the dono GamerHardlyKnowHer. To answer your question, yes I’m terrified. And I don’t know, but yeah they probably are dating.”
Deadpool crawls up the monster's back, clinging in place when it abruptly rears up and howls. Spider-Man’s swinging around its maw when his head suddenly jerks behind him, moments before the monster’s arm comes up and swats him. Spider-Man gets slapped to the ground, creating a dent in the asphalt. For a moment, he doesn’t move.
“Oh, you’re fucking dead,” Deadpool roars. He reaches the top of its head, pulls out both his katanas, and slams them into each of the monster’s eyes. It screams in anguish, writhing where it stands, but Deadpool holds on and pushes the katanas in even farther.
Finally, the monster grows silent and begins to pitch to the side. Deadpool yanks out his katanas and jumps to the ground before he can fall with it.
The streamer is quiet. The chat moves too quickly to be read. The camera remains steady, concentrated only on Spider-Man and the dent he made in the ground.
Deadpool reaches Spider-Man’s side. The street is silent and empty, all the civilians having run away. When Deadpool speaks, he’s easy to hear.
“Webs?” he says, his voice hushed and careful. He crouches by Spider-Man’s side, lightly gripping his shoulder. Spider-Man groans. “You okay, baby boy?”
Spider-Man groans again. He turns his head, his chest rising in a huff. “Stupid monster-thing,” he mutters.
“Let’s get you home,” Deadpool says. He picks Spider-Man up with more gentleness than has ever been seen of Deadpool on camera. He moves slowly, easing Spider-Man into his arms and then cradling him against his chest. Spider-Man turns his head into Deadpool’s body, looking at home in his arms. “You okay?” Deadpool asks again.
“Yeah,” Spider-Man grunts. “Just need a bed. Maybe a deep-dish pizza.”
Deadpool laughs. It’s not his usual loud, body-shaking guffaw. It’s quiet and soft. He doesn’t even jostle Spider-Man in his arms.
“Done,” he says, and then he ducks down, pressing a kiss against the top of Spider-Man’s head. Spider-Man doesn’t protest. He doesn’t swat Deadpool away. He just sighs, curling into him further.
“I am about to be so famous,” the streamer whispers, just before the site crashes.
+1
Spider-Man
@RealSpiderMan
I’m Spider-Man. Twitter isn’t a reliable way to let me know crimes are happening. Call 911.
📍NY, New York
299 Following 17.9M Followers
Spider-Man @RealSpiderMan • 04/05/2022
Fine, internet, you win. Yes. Okay?! @PoolThatsDead and I are dating. Maybe next time you can stalk the villains I’m trying to capture instead.
190k Replies 1M Retweets 8.2M Likes
Deadpool @PoolThatsDead • 04/05/2022
omg r we out of the closet now bb? 😍 LET’S GET MARRIED 🤩🤩🤩
31k Replies 65K Retweets 1M Likes
Spider-Man @RealSpiderMan • 04/05/2022
…
You’re the reason the internet won’t leave us alone.
398k Replies 68k Retweets 580k Likes
ria @wallmauler • 04/05/2022
that’s not true spidey. we all saw the pics. YOU reached for deadpool FIRST.
103 Replies 4k Retweets 8k Likes
Fin