Chapter Text
Severus had always known that he would die in a painful, most horrifying way. His life had prepared him early for that possibility. Getting thrashed around by his Muggle father in his childhood, then nearly mauled by a werewolf as a teen – instances like these had been dead giveaways that he wasn’t Lady Luck’s favourite child by far.
Sure, Severus certainly hadn’t done himself any favour by foolishly pledging allegiance to the Dark Lord who suffered bouts of destructive rage directed at everything and everyone in his sight. Becoming a spy hadn’t increased his odds of survival either.
Expecting a gruesome death wasn’t the same as preparing yourself for it, though. When Nagini’s teeth ripped through Severus' skin, he felt himself panicking, regretting. As his body was becoming immobilized by the venom, he watched his blood gush from his neck uncontrollably, damning him to death.
Even his last breath wasn't allowed to belong to himself, since he found himself staring into Harry bloody Potter’s green eyes as a final humiliation life had in store for him.
“Take it,” he somehow rasped through the spreading paralysis. Take whatever you want. Severus was so done with suffering.
His sight became blurry.
There really was nothing in that desolate shack to give him comfort, to distract him from the pain and regret and … everything.
Despite pouring out his memories, he felt heavier, not lighter. Potter’s head moved over his face, and Severus forced himself into a blink. His eyelids finally complied and closed but then refused to open again.
It was unfair. All that pain, and being alone, and …
Why always him?
You disgust me, Dumbledore had said when Severus had first kneeled in front of him and begged for Lily’s life.
Do I still disgust you?
Has really nothing I’ve done … earned me a slightly less painful death?
Just one more time. Just one more time he wanted to look into those green eyes. He had never found forgiveness in them. Hadn’t done enough to inspire that emotion.
Just one more glimpse.
…
But life once again decided not to respect his wishes.
When he finally managed to make his eyelids cooperate, it wasn’t green orbs that greeted him but brown irises full of contempt. There was an angry cut on Potter senior’s cheek from a Sectumsempra.
“Of course you’re my personal hell,” Severus uttered spitefully, shielding his face from the blinding sun. This explosion of light after the dimly-lit Shrieking Shack left his mind reeling from pain. The students laughing in the background were nothing but white noise to him as he could feel the summer breeze on his bared legs. Magic kept him afloat in the air in a mockery of a marionette on strings.
Nagini’s venom must have finally reached his brain. Why else would it think he would like to relive his greatest hits before dying?
“Your pants really are as dirty as your hair!”
“Let him down!” Her voice cut through Severus’ thoughts like a sharp knife. Lily who had crossed the courtyard only moments ago put her hands on her hips in disapproval.
“Suuure.”
Before he could brace himself, Severus crashed onto the ground, his face smashing right into the grass. For a moment, he remained completely still, which led to Lily sinking onto her knees next to him. “Oh my god, are you okay?” She sounded … worried.
Why had he even bothered fighting back all those years ago? He didn’t feel like moving. He didn’t feel like talking. Just…. Whatever.
“Like I said, Evans. I’ll leave him alone if you go out with me,” Potter repeated his offer.
Severus buried his head in his arms. He had enough of this teenager crap. He was just … tired.
It had never been about him, he thought bitterly, their fights were just excuses to dance around each other before mating.
Instead of disturbing their squabbling, he pretended not to exist. Maybe his wish would come true if he tried hard enough.
How many of these did he have to go through before his dying brain would just shut off already?
Which memory would be next? His marking?
He instinctively grabbed his yet unblemished arm.
“Sev, are you hurt?”
He opened his eyes, staring right into her green eyes in utter confusion. Wait. Did she just ... go off-script?
“That’t it, Potter! This time I’ll tell Dumbledore!”
“We didn’t do nothing,” claimed Black enraged. “He’s just pretending. Wants to get us into trouble, that arse. Maybe I should give him a reason to whine!”
“Just you try.”
His voice sounded … weird. Childish. It had not reached the low pitch yet that would make students run for the hills.
Severus collected his limbs, pushing Lily’s helping hand away. He self-consciously rolled down his robes over his skinny legs and greying underpants before facing the Marauders wand in hand.
He did not know whom he hated more when looking at these four boys.
Two got what they deserved, two … were alive-ish. Lupin, the coward, was on the run, that much he knew. Or had still been on the run when Nagini took a bite from Severus' neck. And Pettigrew … such a turncoat. A rat through and through.
“Don’t! Don’t hex him, Sev!” Lily grabbed his arm as if she expected the worst of him.
Well, of course she did. That’s who he was. Well, had been.
Then, reality caught up to him. This was not how things turned out the first time.
Call her mudblood and fix it, his brain suggested. You know how this goes. Finish the memory.
However, the decision was taken from him.
“Come on, boys. Let’s grab lunch before the next exam.” Lupin nervously pushed himself between Lily and Potter, smoothly directing his friends towards the Great Hall.
The bystanders dispersed as well once they realised the show was over. Some students were snickering while making lewd gestures towards Severus.
Suddenly, he felt naked. Raw.
Severus put his hand around his waist as if to make certain nobody could remove any of his clothes. The school robes were so open … so button-less.
Was this not a trick of the brain but ... punishment? His Catholic father had talked often enough about hell and purgatory and ...
Don’t make me go through the days after this memory. Please. Please don’t make me face everybody’s reactions again. Just move on. Getting marked sounds great right about now.
“Sev, talk to me. Is everything okay?”
He looked up in Lily's face. It was so young. Innocent. Alive. His mind certainly remembered her well.
“Stop toying with me! Just ... Just leave me alone!”
Forcefully, he pushed her away and ran, ignoring Lily's pained cry.