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Kaeya wakes with a scream dying in his throat. He looks frantically around the room, trying to get his bearings.
He’s in his room. Something about this doesn’t seem right, he wasn’t in his room a moment ago. He was with that man standing over him, a knife in his hand and-
Kaeya lets out a cry as a stab of pain shoots through his eye. He brings his hand up to his eye, feeling the scarred skin. It burns , oh gods, why did it burn?
Kaeya feels like he can’t breathe, no matter how hard he tries his lungs just won’t work.
Kaeya lowers his hand, expecting to find blood only to be met with nothing. Phantom pains then. Great.
He’s surrounded by darkness and it’s crushing him, the shadows move and leave him feeling worse than he already is. Gods, what time is it? Four, maybe five in the morning?
Kaeya needs a distraction, something to keep himself from spiraling any further but what could he do? It’s too early, the sun isn’t even out. He could go for a walk, but could he even move? He was frozen, locked in place as his head spun and his lungs refused to work.
He curls in on himself, covering his ears in an attempt to block everything out. He squeezes his eyes shut, he hated this. He didn’t want to be here alone in his room, he wanted Luc. He wanted his big brother to chase the darkness away and to sit with him till this feeling went away.
‘ From now on if you feel like this I want you to find me. I don’t care if I’m doing a thousand different things at the same time, you pull me aside and tell me, got it?’
Would Diluc even be awake at this hour? Sure, Diluc may be a night owl but even Kaeya knew you’d have to be crazy to be up at this hour. Besides, Kaeya doesn’t think he could even make it to the Dawn Winery right now, not with the darkness suffocating him, making it impossible to function.
So, Kaeya sits there. He doesn’t know how much time has passed but it must be a while, the sun is starting to rise.
Now that the sun is out, the darkness gradually goes away. And Kaeya can breathe a little easier now that the shadows don’t have a grip around his throat.
By some miracle, Kaeya manages to stand. His legs are wobbly and, if he’s being honest, he’s doubtful that he’ll be able to make it out of his house.
He has to try, the thought of being alone sounds unbearable. So, Kaeya starts his journey to the Dawn Winery.
He stops at the front door, looking down at his attire. The thought of changing out of his pajamas crossed his mind but is quickly dismissed. Getting dressed is overrated anyway.
He makes it to the Dawn Winery faster than he expected to. He finds the winery to be bustling as usual.
Kaeya weasels his way past several staff to make it to where Diluc is seated.
He finds Diluc talking with Elzer, Connor, and Charles.
Kaeya frowns, for these four to be discussing something, it must be important business stuff. He debates just leaving, but he remembers what Diluc told him to do. So, Kaeya finds it in himself to speak. “Luc,” the word comes out shakier than he wanted it to but it’s too late now.
Diluc sighs, not even bothering to look Kaeya’s way as he begins to read a document of some kind. “What, Kaeya? Can’t you see we’re very busy?”
Kaeya stares, at Diluc. He supposes that with all the work he’s doing Kaeya’s reason for being here might’ve slipped his mind. “I know.“
“So? We’re in the middle of a meeting?”
Kaeya’s chest hurts. Diluc still hasn’t bothered to look at him. “Well, you said-“
“Kaeya, whatever antic you have planned right now can wait. I’m not in the mood.”
Kaeya takes a step back, not even bothering to hide the hurt on his face. He feels stupid. Why’d he bother coming up here? There was no way Diluc would ever humor him. “Ok,” he tries to keep the emotion out of his voice as he turns around. He stares at his feet, focusing on getting his still shaky legs to move the way they should.
What would he do now? There’s no way Kaeya can function normally when it’s this bad. And he’s already way late, he didn’t even want to show at this rate. But he supposes he can go into work, and make a beeline for his office. He can lock himself in and try and block everything out.
“Kaeya, wait up!”
Kaeya turns to see Charles. He tries to smile at the bartender, “what’s up?”
Understanding flashes in Charles’ eyes. He’s seen his fair share of Kaeya’s episodes at the bar and can tell right away when Kaeya needs him. “Come with me. I’ll find you a nice quiet space to stay in.”
Kaeya couldn’t really say no to that offer. Especially since that means he’ll be a shout away from people he knows. He takes Charle’s hand and lets the man lead him up the stairs to the library.
Charles sits him down on the couch, grabbing the blanket and wrapping it over Kaeya’s shoulders. “I’ll get Adelinde to make you some Calla Lilly Tea. Is there anything else you need?”
Kaeya barely registers what Charles says. “Luc,” he sounds so small, so childish.
Charles gives him a sad smile. “I’ll talk to him, see what I can do. Anything else?”
Was there anything else? Kaeya’s eye throbs something awful, could he do anything about that? “Eye hurts.”
Charles nods, “I’ll see if I can find anything for that.”
Once Charles leaves, Kaeya only waits a couple of minutes before Adelinde comes in.
She carries a tray. When she places it down Kaeya sees tea, as well as cookies and a cloth. “Here, Master Kaeya. The warm towelette is for your eye. I also figured you must be hungry.
Kaeya nods, managing a small smile. “Thanks.”
Adelinde bows, “if you need anything else just give me a call.”
Adelinde leaves, leaving Kaeya alone. It wouldn’t be for long, Kaeya knew that, but it didn’t stop him from spiraling.
With no one there to keep him grounded and nothing to keep him distracted, it left Kaeya to focus on his thoughts, the tightness of his chest, and the ever-increasing pain in his eye. Naturally, Kaeya started to panic more.
Diluc heard Charles excuse himself but was far too busy trying to work out these calculations to acknowledge it. This calculates the difference of last year to this year in just about every way. It shows the comparisons to their stock, profits, shipments, purchases, ingredients, sales, profits, you name it. It is imperative to go over it to improve the business. Needless to say, it’s Diluc’s top priority…
That is until there’s a hand on his shoulder.
Diluc turns to the person in question, finding Charles with a grim look on his face.
“Sir, can I talk to you alone for a moment?”
A sinking feeling forms in the pit of Diluc’s stomach as he follows Charles into another room. “What’s this about?”
“It’s about Kaeya.”
Diluc’s eyebrows furrow. “Kaeya?” The sinking feeling only grows.
“He needs you, sir. It’s pretty bad. I brought him up to a more quiet and secluded space and had Adelinde bring him something to drink. He’s on the verge of a breakdown. He’s asking for you.”
It’s then that Diluc suddenly realizes why Kaeya was here. Thinking back on it, he should’ve known right away by the tone of Kaeya’s voice alone. He nods, trying to keep his cool, “thank you. I’ll dismiss everyone then go see him.”
“Of course. He’s up in the library.”
Diluc nods in response to Charles before heading back to the others. When he gets there he finds Adelinde already dismissing the group.
“I’m afraid an issue has occurred that requires Master Diluc’s immediate attention. I will reschedule this meeting for a later date. I hope you can understand.” Diluc’s grateful for Adelinde, he should really pay her more.
With that out of the way, Diluc gives the men a quick farewell before heading to the library.
Kaeya was only sitting there for a minute or so when the door opens. He turns, expecting his brother or even Charles, only to find one of the maids. She’s no one Kaeya recognizes, and her glare makes his skin crawl.
“Excuse me, what are you doing here?!”
Kaeya stares, what does he even say?
“No one but staff and authorized guests are allowed in the winery!” She puts her cleaning supplies down before she marches towards Kaeya.
Kaeya scoots back from his spot on the couch, only stopping when he hits the armrest. This woman is crazy! How new must she be to not know who he was?
The maid gets close to Kaeya looking him dead in the eye. “You, sir, must leave!” She grabs his arm and yanks him up from his spot on the couch.
Kaeya’s heart leaps into his throat at the sudden contact. His panic increases tenfold. He has no weapon, no real means of getting this woman away from him. So, in an act of pure desperation, Kaeya uses his vision. The ground is suddenly covered in ice.
The unsuspecting maid slips, letting go of Kaeya as she falls.
Unfortunately for Kaeya, his shaky legs mean he doesn’t have good footing, and without the lady holding him up he falls back. He then scurries away, using his arms to drag himself under the desk away from view.
Kaeya’s eye makes itself known again. It throbs and burns, making the situation that much worse. He covers it with one hand, thankful for once that his hands are always cold. He pushes himself as close to the desk as possible, his heart hammering in his chest. He prays the lady leaves soon.
When Diluc gets to the library he finds the door open a crack. He hears yelling from the other side of the door. Diluc panics, that’s definitely not Kaeya’s voice.
Diluc bursts through the door. He’s met with an interesting sight. The entirety of the library floor is covered in ice and the walls are covered in frost. By the couch is one of the maids, she tries desperately to stand without falling. Needless to say, she didn’t seem very happy.
Unfortunately for her, neither was Diluc. “Excuse me! What is going on here?!”
The maid halts her attempts at standing. She stares wide-eyed at Diluc. “Master Diluc! I thought you were in your meeting?”
Diluc stares, his eyes cold. “I asked you a question.”
The maid nods, “right, sir! There is someone here! I told him to leave because only authorized guests are allowed on Winery Grounds, but he had none of it! He wouldn’t get up, sir! So then I had no choice but to use force! And then-“
Diluc cut her off, “what?!” The anger dripping from his voice was enough to make the maid flinch. “And what made you think you had any right to do that!?”
The maid shrinks, it seems she’s finally realized she’s made a mistake. “B-but, Master Diluc! He made no effort to move! Since he’s not an authorized guest and all I had no choice! And besides, look what he did when I tried to get him to leave! He attacked me!”
Diluc walks toward her, melting the ice beneath his feet. The room may be cold but Diluc is burning with rage. “What makes you think my brother is not an authorized guest here!?”
The maid’s eyes grow wider, “your brother? Sir, I-I didn’t-“
“Get out! And don’t bother coming back into work, you’re fired!”
The maid managed to scramble out of the library, leaving Diluc in a seemingly empty room.
The anger melts away as Diluc scans the room, worry quickly replacing it. “Kae?”
Diluc waits a moment, hoping to hear a response. Not long after, he hears a whimper come from the desk.
Diluc heads toward the sound. Of course, Kaeya was under the desk, it was always his favorite hiding spot. Diluc can’t count the number of times he’s found Kae under there during a thunderstorm or after a nightmare.
Diluc kneels down to look under the desk. There he finds his brother, pressed against the wood, both hands pressed tightly against his bad eye, his eyes screwed shut.
Diluc’s stomach drops. Kaeya’s eye is bothering him too? “Kaeya?” Diluc speaks softly, but he still manages to startle Kaeya.
Kaeya jumps, his head snapping towards the source of the sound. When his eyes land on Diluc his shoulders droop and his lip wobbles. “Luc,” Kaeya sobs, wiping his face on his sleeve.
“Hey,” Diluc goes to sit down, sliding in right next to Kaeya.
Kaeya latches himself to Diluc, burying his face into his older brother’s chest.
Diluc runs his hand through Kaeya’s hair. He gently works out the tangles as he hums a vaguely familiar tune.
He tries his best to ignore the twinge forming in the back of his neck. The desk may be big, but they’re grown now, and with Kaeya taking up a majority of the space, Diluc squeezes in where he can. He doesn’t mind though, he’d do anything for his baby brother.
Diluc can hear the effort in each of Kaeya’s breaths. He cringes, he can’t imagine it being easier to breathe with your head tucked away like that. “Hey, Kae? Look at me?” Diluc’s voice is soft and very out of character for him.
Kaeya lifts his head, his eyes meeting Diluc’s.
Diluc uses his thumb to brush the tears away, being careful not to aggravate the scarred skin. Where was Kaeya’s eyepatch? “Does it hurt?”
Kaeya nods, eyes filling up with tears once again.
Diluc smooths Kaeya’s hair down, “it’s alright. It’ll start to feel better, it always does.” He let’s silence fall for a moment or two before he speaks again. “Where’s your eyepatch?”
“Couch.”
Diluc hums, so he took it off somewhere on the couch. “We’ll get it later.” He goes back to carding his fingers through his brother’s hair, “was that maid mean to you?”
Kaeya nods, looking away.
Diluc nods, “it’s alright. She won’t bother you again. She’s proven today that she’s not a right fit for the job.” Serves the woman right, that’s the last time he hires someone from the Adventurer’s Guild looking for a job.
Kaeya lays his head back down, staring at the desk.
Diluc looks at his brother. He looks so small, so young. Diluc’s chest hurts, they’re both still young. They’ve barely just started their lives and Diluc left him alone, with nothing and no one to turn to. What kind of brother was he?
Kaeya looks up at him again, “stop.”
“Stop what?” Diluc’s eyebrows furrow. Was he doing something wrong?
“Stop being hard on yourself.” Kaeya’s words were broken up by pathetic attempts to get air.
Diluc gives him a sad smile. He lets silence fall between them for a moment or two before speaking again. “Was it ever lonely?”
There’s a pause before Kaeya answers, “sometimes.”
Diluc swallows the lump in his throat. “Was it hard?”
There’s another pause, then Kaeya speaks. “Yes.”
The emotion behind that one word is enough to break Diluc’s heart.
“It was so hard.” Kaeya sobs, tightening his hold on Diluc as he hides his face away in his brother’s shirt once again. “Please! Please don’t leave me alone again! I’m sorry! I’m sorry…” he trails off into a mantra of apologies.
Diluc can feel Kaeya shake in his hold. His heart aches for the little brother he abandoned. He holds Kaeya closer, pressing a chaste kiss to the top of his head. “It was hard for me too.”
Eventually, Kaeya’s crying dies down. He turns his head, listening to his big brother’s heartbeat. The steady beat helps calm his nerves. He closes his eyes and lets the familiar feeling of his brother overcome his senses.
For just a moment it feels like before. Right now, there is no Cavalry Captain or Master Diluc. They’re Kaeya and Diluc, two brothers finding comfort in the other.
Kaeya speaks once his heartbeat has settled down, and his panic doesn’t have such a harsh grip on his airway. “Sorry for freezing the library.”
Diluc chuckles, “don’t worry about it. I’m surprised you even have your vision on you. You’re not even dressed.”
Kaeya smiles, “never take it off. Ever since that Fatui incident at Angel’s Share, I make sure it’s always in arms reach.”
Diluc holds Kaeya a little tighter at that. That was something neither of them would be forgetting for a while, if ever. “Good, wouldn’t want a repeat of that now would we?”
Kaeya hums in response, he’s worn out. His bad eye throbs, he just wants it to stop. He squeezes his eye shut, his eyebrows furrowing.
“Is it your eye?” Diluc’s voice is warm and gentle.
“Yeah. It’s ok, it’s no big deal.”
“Nonsense.” Diluc shifts a little, telling Kaeya that it’s time to get up. “If it’s bothering you that much let’s try and do something about it.”
Diluc gets up from under the desk before offering a hand to Kaeya.
Kaeya accepts. He lets Diluc help him up and lead him to the couch.
“Wait here, I’ll be right back.”
Kaeya watches as Diluc leaves. He tries not to freak out, he doesn’t want to make it a big deal. Besides, he’ll be back, Kaeya knows he will be.
So Kaeya sits in silence. He counts the number of books on the bookshelf next to the fireplace. He gets to fourth-five when Diluc comes back, holding a familiar silver container.
Kaeya stares in shock at the small item, even after that night he still kept that?
Diluc sits down next to Kaeya before popping the lid off to reveal the clear gel inside.
“I’m surprised you still have that.” The words left Kaeya’s mouth before he can stop himself.
Diluc’s eyebrows scrunch together, “it felt… wrong to get rid of it. Besides I half expected you to stop by eventually and ask for it.”
Kaeya smiles, the thought of Diluc caring for him even when his brother hated him made him happy. “Well I wish I knew you’d kept it,” he flops dramatically onto Diluc’s lap. “I would’ve bugged you for it ages ago!”
Diluc frowns, “sorry. I should’ve given it to you.”
Kaeya waves his hand, “not a big deal. It doesn’t bother me often enough for it to really matter anyway.” Sure, the numbing gel would’ve been nice to have but too late for that now.
Diluc hums before dipping a finger into the gel. “This panic attack seemed worse than the last one,” it was a statement, one that had been going through Diluc’s head for a while.
Kaeya hums, “yeah. They’re usually not as bad when they happen for no reason.”
Diluc’s frown grows, “did something trigger this one?” He carefully applied the gel around Kaeya’s scarred eye.
Kaeya closes his eyes, sighing at the cool sensation. “A nightmare, I think.”
Diluc winces, if it’s anything like when they were kids, more nightmares would surely follow. “What was it about?”
Kaeya frowns, his eyebrows furrowing as he subconsciously brings his hand up to his right eye. “It was… about my life before,” Kaeya’s voice is quiet.
“Oh.” Diluc leaves it at that, he knows anything during that time has always been a touchy subject. Besides, his hand going up to his eye explained enough. At least Diluc now knows the reason for the eye pain. Diluc finishes putting the medicine on Kaeya before pocketing it and wiping his finger off.
The two sit in silence. Eventually, Diluc begins to play with Kaeya’s hair absently.
Kaeya relishes the familiar feeling. He sighs, relaxing a bit. Kaeya wonders just how long this’ll last. How long will it be until Diluc goes back to avoiding him like the plague? How long will it be until Kaeya has to regularly force Diluc to acknowledge him by provoking him? Maybe this is just because Diluc feels bad? Maybe Diluc sees Kaeya, this pathetic scum who used to be his brother and took pity on him. Maybe him being kind is just out of respect for their past. Maybe Diluc really does still hate his guts.
“Hey, Kae?” Diluc’s voice is quiet.
Kaeya opens his eyes in response.
Diluc’s eyes shine with concern, “breathe.”
Kaeya didn’t even realize he’d started hyperventilating again. He nods, forcing himself to take a deep breath, albeit a shaky one.
Diluc continues combing his hands through Kaeya’s hair, “what is it?”
“It’s just-“ Kaeya’s voice breaks. He brings his arm up to rub at his eye, “Gods, I’m sorry.”
“It’s ok,” it was a simple response. “Is something wrong?”
Everything. Everything seems wrong. “I just keep wondering when this’ll end.”
“What? When what will end?” Kaeya couldn’t see Diluc’s face behind his arm but he could imagine his eyebrows furrowed and the confused frown on his face.
“This,” Kaeya gestures to the two of them with his free arm. “You acting like you actually care about me.”
Diluc goes rigid, Kaeya wonders if he said something wrong.
Diluc can’t believe it. That’s what Kaeya was worried about? It didn’t even cross Diluc’s mind that Kaeya would be worried about it going back to the way things were…
Diluc couldn’t even imagine going back to completely ignoring Kaeya, not when his disdain died quite a while ago. “Why would I do that?”
Kaeya shrugs. He finally pulls his arm from his face but he doesn’t look at Diluc. “You avoid me like I’m Death. Up until like last week it seemed like you still hated my guts. I’m just waiting for you to realize that you still hate me and leave me alone. It’s what a traitor like me deserves anyway. ”
The last bit of what Kaeya says is quiet, but Diluc hears it all the same. His frown deepens. Kaeya thinks he deserves having nothing and no one? Deserves to have his only living family member ignore him and hate him after trying to… after doing that to him?
Diluc feels like he can’t breathe. All these years… all these years and Kaeya thought he was worthless, that he deserved to be cast aside…
And it was all Diluc’s fault .
Kaeya brings his arm down revealing his eyes, alarm and worry etched on his face. “Luc?” He sits up, hovering over his older brother, “Luc, what’s wrong?”
Diluc didn’t realize he was crying till just then. When was the last time he’d let himself cry? “You can’t just say things like that!”
Kaeya leans back at the sudden outburst. It’s been so long since he’s seen so much emotion from Diluc
“You don’t deserve that!” Diluc hits Kaeya in the chest, but there’s no strength behind it. “You deserve to be happy!”
Kaeya stares down at Diluc in shock. He eventually placed a hand on his brother’s back. “But, I’m a…” he trails off, last time he said those words out loud Diluc nearly killed him. Kaeya’s heart hammers in his chest at the memory and he takes a shaky breath in, “what if I betray everyone? Betray you?”
Diluc shakes his head, his forehead rubbing against Kaeya’s shoulder. “A traitor wouldn’t be worried about that.”
Kaeya’s breath hitches, he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “But, you said-“
“I said a lot of things.” Diluc sits up and looks at his brother. His eyes shine with tears but other than that his expression is back to normal. “I don’t hate you. I haven’t for a while. But I still need time to forgive you. And, sure, I’m still…” Diluc pauses, trying to find his words, “upset about what happened that night, but I don’t hate you. It’s just, pretending to mad was easier than acknowledging my own feelings and admitting that I-“ Diluc’s voice catches in his throat. God, he tried to kill his brother that night. He was sick with himself. How could he do that? Diluc wasn’t the only one mourning their father, Kaeya was too. Neither of them were thinking straight. They were both too blame for that night.
“Luc.”
Diluc snaps out of his thoughts to see Kaeya wearing a pained smile on his face.
“You don’t have to say it. And you don’t have to acknowledge anything until you’re ready.”
Diluc stares at Kaeya. How can he just allow Diluc the opportunity to let him go back to how things were? How can Kaeya tell him it was ok to go back to ignoring him for the sake of saving Diluc pain? How can Kaeya be so kind and give him that luxury even when it’ll hurt his baby brother in the end?
Diluc shakes his head, “no. I can’t do that, it’s not fair to you. And I don’t want to keep acting like I hate you.”
Kaeya relaxes at that, he looks relieved. “I don’t want to force you to do something you’re not ready to do.”
Diluc shakes his head, “and I don’t want you to keep suffering on my behalf. No, we’ll figure it out. It might take a while but we’re going to do it together.” Diluc wasn’t going to abandon him… not for a second time.