Chapter Text
“-Right, A-Xian?”
Wei WuXian snapped his head around at hearing a terribly familiar voice calling his name and his eyes grew so wide he almost felt them popping out of their sockets. Because right here in front of him was his uncle Jiang; looking very much alive despite having died almost thirty years ago.
Was he having another dream? Nightmare? Was he going to suddenly witness him dying like he always would? No…this didn’t felt like a dream and so, no such thing happened. Wei WuXian knew the differences now. He felt completely awake and alive. Which was another impossible think because he’s sure as hell he just died a few minutes ago as he finally destroyed the center of the resentful energy attacking them from the heart of the burial mounds.
He wasn’t sure if he’s gotten torn to pieces like the last time but it had absolutely hurt so much for him to still be alive. Unscratched. To still be breathing after witnessing his husband; his son; nephew; brother and little radishes dying in front of him one by one and without him being able to do anything like always. Pathetic. Pathetic pathetic pathetic. Why was he alive?! Why was he still here?! He didn’t deserved to be! He should’ve been the one dying since the beginning.
But he was sure he would die when he destroyed that amount of resentment! He made sure of it himself! Then why was he here now?!
And most importantly; where was he?! Who was this person suddenly shaking him and calling his name over and over again?! And why did his voice sound so familiar? Oh…wait…he…he saw his uncle. Right…was he hallucinating?! This…this really was his uncle Jiang?! But…but…
“H-how?” He whispered; his voice too low that Jiang FengMian barely even heard him; the man thinking about what on earth was going on?! What just happened to his adopted son?! He looked completely okay a few moments ago. Then why had he suddenly fallen on his knees; breathing in gasps? Had something happened to him in his fight with Jin ZiXuan? But he thought it wasn’t anything serious.
“A-Xian! A-Xian can you hear me? Are you hurt?” He asked; gripping Wei WuXian’s shoulders and shaking him slightly until the boy finally looked at him.
“U-Uncle Jiang?”
“Yes. Yes It’s me A-Xian. Are you okay? Did you get hurt in your fight?” He asked; making Wei WuXian to look at him confusedly despite all the emotions rushing to his mind at seeing and hearing the man he’s missed so much. But fight? What was he talking about?
“What…fight?” He whispered as he grabbed at the side of his throbbing head; making his uncle to look at him even more alarmed.
“Jin ZiXuan. Your fight with Jin ZiXuan.” Jiang FengMian answered; hoping Wei WuXian would understand him but his answer seemed to be only making the boy even more confused.
“Fight with…Jin ZiXuan? What…what to you mean?” Wei WuXian asked in frustration; feeling like he was at the verge of crying or something. What was going on? Why was it so loud? Why was it so bright and why did his head hurt so much?! Why was nothing making any sense?! And why was the ground moving so much?!
He looked around as he cursed internally; his eyes widening at seeing water surrounding him from everywhere. So that’s why he was moving so much…he was on a boat. A…boat?!
He was on a…boat. With his uncle Jiang. After having a fight with Jin…ZiXuan it seems…oh…OH! So does that mean he’s just gotten…kicked out of the cloud recess? That’s how remembered it happened. Then….NO! What the hell did this mean?! This was only making more questions appear in his mind and he wanted nothing than to smack his head somewhere and wake up from a dream or something. Or better tan that; just die! This wasn’t making any sense! He just wanted everything to be over so why was this happening?!
“Uncle…uncle Jiang…how old am I?!” He almost shouted the question as he grabbed at his uncle’s arms tightly; staring up at him wide eyed.
“A-Xian what do you mean?”
“Just answer me!”
“15?” The older man said; just trying to understand what the fuck was going on to make his ward act so strange and worrying all of the sudden. Had he hurt his head in the fight?
“Oh my god…” Wei WuXian whispered as he finally let go of the man; falling on his back; looking so numb and unmoving that it made the Jiang sect leader to sit beside him as well; grabbing at his shoulder.
“A-Xian?”
“I’m back…”
”what?!”
“I…” Wei WuXian stopped; looking up at the man but having to look away at how glassy his eyes suddenly became. “N-nothing. Nothing I…I’m fine. I…I…I don’t know what just happened…” He said in a low tone; trying to breath and calm his mind before he would go crazy or something and scare off the man completely.
“Are you sure? What do you mean? What just happened?” Jiang FengMian kept asking; not sounding convinced at ALL.
“Nothing. Nothing I just…I just felt sick for a second. Yeah…that’s probably it.”
“Are you okay now? Can you hear me clearly? Do you remember everything?” Jiang FengMian asked and Wei WuXian wanted so damn much to say ‘Yes! But I wish I didn’t!’
Instead; he just nodded his head numbly. “Y-yeah. Yeah I’m feeling fine now.”
“Okay. But we’re having the doctor take a look at you alright? We should be near the pier now.” He said; making Wei WuXian to look up at him wide eyed again before just lowering his head and giving a sharp nod; not arguing at all like Jiang FengMian was expecting and that scared the man even more, for some reason.
And he was completely right to worry. Because inside Wei WuXian’s head; he wanted nothing than to just jump into the sea and escape. Or even drown! Or WHATEVER! Just…just not lotus pier! No no no no he really couldn’t go back to the old lotus pier and…and oh my god he was going to see his Shijie and…and his aunt-madam Yu and then bring destruction to the sect all over again just like the woman used to always tell him. Maybe…maybe he really should just drown himself…r-right?
But before his mind could keep wandering; Jiang FengMian cleared his throat; smiling as he spoke. “Ah, we’re here.”
ALREADY?! No…no no please no…
At the end; Wei WuXian took just a deep breath as he stood by his uncle’s side; not looking up because he knew the second he would see his sister standing by the pier he would just die right there and then.
So he kept his eyes locked on the ground; slowly following the older man off the boat after it came to an stop. He could hear his shijie now as she talked to her father; welcoming them brightly and that was already making his eyes getting so glassy he could barely see. God he needed a moment to at least calm his mind! Why…why was all these things happening today? He couldn’t…he really couldn’t take anymore! Not anymore! Why the world didn’t want to spare him from this pain for just one damn fucking second?! Just…just why hasn’t he died?!
And then it happened. His shijie just stood in front of him after that; probably frowning at probably seeing him not even looking up and so she placed his hand on Wei WuXian’s shoulder; calling him softly. “A-Xian?”
And Wei WuXian’s head suddenly snapped up without him being able to control himself and just looking at Jiang YanLi’s face made his legs so weak that they gave out under him and he almost hit the ground if Jiang FengMian wasn’t there to catch him on time.
“A-XIAN!” Jiang YanLi almost screamed; grabbing at his shoulder tightly to help steady him. But all Wei WuXian said was a small whisper of “Shijie” as his eyes got even more glassy. She shouldn’t be so worried about him. Not after everything Wei WuXian’s done. Not after taking away all her family and killing her. Not after making her son an orphan! Not after making hes son’s childhood a living hell!
“A-Li I think it’s better if we get him to a doctor quickly. He’s been feeling sick and panicked for almost the last hour.” Jiang FengMian told his daughter who looked at him; suddenly looking too worried as she nodded her head; speaking to her brother softly as they started making their way towards their home; Wei WuXian just keeping to repeat Shijie over and over again.
As they arrived and got inside; making their way towards the inner parts of their home; Wei WuXian had become a little calmer; almost being able to use his legs now. But then they came to a stop and Wei WuXian looked up; only to find out that they had reached the training field now; where madam Yu seemed to be teaching the disciples. God no… why did they stop?!
“Oh, so you’re finally back.” Madam Yu said and just hearing her voice made Wei WuXian flinch so terribly he almost fell down again and having witnessed that and also the state the three were in; Yu ZiYuan raised an eyebrow as she stood up. “And what’s going on?!”
“My lady please calm down. He…I think he’s fallen sick or something so we’re taking him to the doctor.” Jiang FengMian tried to explain calmly; hoping his wife would understand because for some reason Wei WuXian had started shaking terribly when they came here.
“Sick? Is that the new trick he’s pulling to get away with what he’s done?! Breaking A-Li’s marriage? Wei WuXian! Do you think you can escape this with pretending to be sick?!” Zidian sparkled on her finger as she said that; making Wei WuXian to take a deep shaky breath as Jiang YanLi slowly let go of his arm; taking a few steps forward to probably reason with the woman.
“Mother I really don’t think that’s it. He really isn’t looking good.” She said and Wei WuXian shut his eyes; praying to any gods above for Yu ZiYuan to let him go for just this once but of course, nothing like that happened. Nothing ever happened the way he wanted to. It never would.
“A-Li how long are you going to keep falling for his tricks?! Can’t you see he’s just acting to made himself look innocent like all the times?! How many times do I have to tell you that he’ll bring nothing but shame and destruction to our sect?! This was just the start! What do you think he’ll do next?! Are you going to keep-“ Her next words became completely unrecognizable in Wei WuXian’s mind because of the other voices that were now screaming in his head; telling him that everything the woman was saying was right!
Because it was! She was right! He really was nothing but bad luck to the people around him! He really brings nothing but destruction! First the lotus pier. Jiang Cheng’s core. The Wens he tried so hard to protect. Lan Zhan. His son. His brother and his precious nephew and the two other two juniors he loved as much as his own son. They’ve all died because of him! No one else. Him! Wei WuXian! The world would really be a better place without a disgusting human being like him.
He was in the past now. None of those things had happened yet so if he just died right here; they probably never would. His family would stay alive. The Wens would probably find a better way to survive. Wen Ning wouldn’t end up dying and turning to a fierce corpse because of him. And Lan Zhan…his precious Lan Zhan would also be free of him and his stupid, disgusting problems. He would finally be free of him and would soon move on because he absolutely haven’t fallen for him so hard yet. If Wei WuXian died right now; everything would really be finally fine and over with and he no longer had to keep dealing with this pain. The pain of being alive. Death was peaceful. He really enjoyed it the first time he had died. So maybe…maybe that’s where he really belonged. The world of the dead. Where he couldn’t continue hurting everyone around him. Yes…yes that’s probably it. He really didn’t belong here. He should’ve probably died along with his parents when he was five. Or gotten eaten alive by the wild dogs in the streets. Even that wouldn’t have hurt as much as living does.
So he just looked down at Suibian in his hand; grabbing at the hilt and unseating the sword; not caring about the sudden worried voice of his uncle asking him what he was doing. He didn’t need to worry about him from now on. Because from now on there would be no Wei WuXian to keep causing arguments between the couple left and right; causing Jiang Cheng to feel like he was unloved and breaking up engagements and making his sister and aunt sad. Ah…he really should’ve done this from the very beginning, didn’t he? Everything would’ve been so so so better without him.
And the sword didn’t hurt as much as he thought it would as it cut through his neck. And the blood was warm; heating his terribly cold skin as his legs completely gave out under him. He could hear screams and voices calling and shouting his name but he just closed his eyes. They didn’t need to worry. They should be happy. And forget about all this soon. He knew his sister would probably get sad. But that was okay. That was okay because she was soon going to get married and have a beautiful son and they would live and raise Jin Ling together unlike before when Wei WuXian had taken that away from them. They would soon forget about him and Jin Ling would finally have the family he’s wanted and missed so much and no one would dare insult and remind him of the parents he’s never had because of the Yiling Patriach. He probably would never even know him.
Would they tell him about his Daijiu now? It…it didn’t sound so bad. Because they wouldn’t be telling him about what an awful person he was anymore. He wouldn’t be the one who’s killed his parents anymore. Ah…this really sounded so good. Jin Ling would have an amazing life without him now. And maybe sometimes think about who his uncle was like. That was enough for Wei WuXian. Why didn’t he tried doing this back then? It felt so so warm despite the blood he was loosing and the light surrounding him wasn’t blinding anymore and it wasn’t…loud either. Quiet. So quiet. How long has it been since he’s heard silence? It was really peaceful. He didn’t want it to ever end.
What about A-Yuan? JingYi? ZiZhen? Would they even hear of his name now? Well…that didn’t matter as long as they lived; without someone like Wei WuXian to worry about all the time. This really was all Wei WuXian wanted. Maybe his A-Yuan wouldn’t lose his whole family because of the cultivation world trying to kill Wei WuXian either. Maybe he would have a better life now.
“I-I’m sorry.” Was the last thing he said; hoping his sister wouldn’t hate him on his last moments. Hoping it would make up to all the problems he’s caused for aunt Yu and uncle Jiang. Hoping it would make up for all the terrible feelings he’s caused for Jiang Cheng.
And…and hoping it would make Lan Zhan to forgive him for leaving him so soon. God…he really wished he could see him once more but no… this was better. He was better dying alone without him than to bring the man the pain of watching him die. He knows how being that hopeless feels. He’s felt it all the time throughout his whole life. Yes…this really was the best choice. Would Lan Zhan forgive him for taking A-Yuan away from him as well? He really…hoped so. Even though he didn’t deserve it. He deserved no one’s forgiveness. No one’s kindness. None of it! Ah…so even his death would bring nothing but pain to the man; wouldn’t it? And yet he really…really hoped Lan Zhan would forgive him.
That’s the only thing he wished for before closing his eyes. Surely…surely Lan Zhan would forgive him because of being selfish for once. Surely the world is kind enough to at least give him this. Right?