Work Text:
“That’s not a happy story.”
“Well I don’t live a happy life,” Ronan snarled. He hated this, hated talking about his past. He knew it was shitty, he had lived it, and he spent every fucking day trying to get away from it. He wasn’t happy, not happy with the nightmares that stopped him from sleeping, scared that he would bring his horrors back to the waking world with him, not happy with Declan and Gansey incessantly trying to make him go to school where people stared and teachers droned and he wanted to run from it all but he couldn’t because where would he go, not happy with how useless he was, not happy with the numbness that ate him up and filled his lungs until he couldn’t breathe, and he would do anything to feel something that wasn’t pain.
Adam sighed. “Yeah. Me neither.”
Ronan turned to Adam in surprise. Adam never admitted to things being bad. He made thinly veiled comments about things not being great at home or how tired he was, but he never complained.
“Oh?” Ronan questioned carefully.
Adam looked down at his shoes. In the glow of the setting sun, he was silhouetted in the passenger seat, a painting of everything Ronan couldn’t have. He looked so distant, so far away, that for a moment Ronan thought Adam wouldn’t answer, thought Adam would just pretend Ronan had never said anything. But then Adam started talking, his voice barely a whisper.
“He’s getting worse. I don’t know-” Adam’s voice caught, “I don’t know what I did.”
Something squeezed painfully in Ronan’s chest.
“Fuck, Parrish.”
Adam let out a shuddering sigh and leaned his head against the window. “Yeah. Fuck.”
“Do you need-”
Adam cut Ronan off with the flick of his hand. “Can you just...not? For right now? I just-”
Adam seemed to lose his words, defeat slumping his form. Ronan kept his eyes on the road, but he poked at Adam’s side.
“...Just?”
“Can we just drive? I don’t really want to think about it.” And that, that Ronan could understand.
Ronan nodded. He pushed the gas pedal, down, down, down, until it was flat against the floor, and the BMW responded eagerly, speeding up until the sunset was only a blur of colour out of the corner of Ronan’s eye. Ronan turned the volume dial up until he could feel the bass in his bones. Adam reached over to try and turn it down, but Ronan swatted his hand out of the way. Adam settled back and a couple minutes later, Ronan looked over to see Adam fast asleep, his head tipped forward.
They drove until Ronan forgot to think, his heartbeat pulsing in time to the beat of the music. For once, Ronan’s thoughts were leaving him blissfully alone. They drove until the sun was down, until a canopy of stars surrounded them, until Adam tapped Ronan’s shoulder, hard.
Ronan turned the volume down and looked over at Adam. It was dark, but even still, Ronan could make out the panic on Adam’s face.
“Ronan,” Adam said desperately, “Ronan, what time is it?”
Fuck.
Ronan checked his watch. “11:34.”
“Fuck.” Adam covered his face with his hands for a second, as if pulling himself together, then straightened. “Okay. Okay. I just- I need to get back as fast as possible.”
“Parrish…” Ronan’s voice was low, a warning. He knew, he knew, that it wouldn’t do Adam any favours to keep him away from that godforsaken trailer any longer, but he also knew that whatever awaited Adam in that trailer would be bad.
“Ronan. Take me home.” Adam’s tone brokered no argument.
Swearing, Ronan pulled a U-Turn, tires screeching against the pavement. The BMW’s headlights lit up the dark in front of them, but instead of being comforting, it felt like a warning. Showing him how far Adam had before he was hurt. Again. The anticipation crawled over Ronan’s skin like ants. He hated seeing Adam in pain, hated even more how Adam never told Ronan what he needed, never told him just how bad it was. Ronan didn’t push like Gansey, didn’t see the point; Adam had said “no”, and had made it perfectly clear that he wouldn’t be leaving the trailer park unless it was on his own terms. Ronan could respect that. He wouldn’t be like his brother, constantly nagging that he knew what was best, but Ronan still wanted to help. Wanted Adam to be safe.
“Adam.” Ronan felt Adam’s eyes boring into his skull. “Is this going to be something you can walk away from?”
“What?” Adam said, confused. Ronan glanced over at him. Adam was looking at Ronan with a raw expression that Ronan hadn’t seen before. It felt like an invasion of privacy. Ronan looked away, fixing his eyes on the road in front of him.
“If I’m dropping you off, I need to know that you’ll be able to walk away tomorrow. I’m not leaving you alone with that fucker if you think-”
“I’ll be fine. I always am,” Adam protested exasperatedly.
“Not if he kills you.”
Adam laid a hand on Ronan’s shoulder, gently. More gently than Ronan deserved.
“I’ve done worse before. It’ll be bad, but…” Adam swallowed, loudly. “I’ll live.”
There was a sad bitterness to Adam’s voice, an acceptance of what would happen, a hatred for that acceptance. Ronan hated it. Ronan wanted to take Robert Parrish apart for making Adam think that he deserved this, for making Adam expect pain when all Adam deserved was good. Ronan wanted Robert Parrish to bleed as much as Adam had.
“Fuck, Parrish.”
“Yeah.” A broken whisper. “Fuck.”
Finally, the turnoff to the trailer park appeared before them, the clock reading 12:42. Ronan pulled to the side of the road and parked. Adam cracked his door open and the car lights turned on, a harsh yellow assaulting Ronan’s eyes. He turned to look at Adam, who, in the sudden light, looked ghastly pale.
“You sure you don’t want to come back to Monmouth for the night?” Ronan asked, already knowing the answer. It never changed, after all.
“I can’t. It’ll be worse if I come back in the morning.” Adam gave Ronan a small, defeated smile, and slid out of the car.
“Shit.” Fuck. “Don’t die, Parrish.”
Adam laughed, a shattered, strangled sound. “You either, Lynch.”
And with that, Adam slammed the door, and set off down the dirt road leading to his trailer, disappearing into the night. Ronan hated everything about himself that let Adam walk down that path, knowing what would happen to Adam once he reached his destination. Ronan wanted to chase after Adam, to make him come to Monmouth where it was safe, to take Adam by the hand and lead him away from the hell that was awaiting him. But Ronan turned the key in the ignition, the BMW rumbling to life beneath him, and drove away, leaving Adam to his fate.
Ronan hated himself, with an intensity that hurt. He was useless, unable to stop Adam from being hurt, anyone he loved from being hurt. All he did was hurt others. Sure, he didn’t swing the tire iron or his fists, but he didn’t protect his dad or Adam either. And if he wasn’t injuring people, then he was letting them down, letting everyone down. Declan barely talked to him anymore, too mad at Ronan’s choices to do anything but snap at Ronan. Gansey was disappointed every day that Ronan did nothing but lie in bed, weights dragging down his bones. Matthew was surprised whenever he saw Ronan, as if it was a miracle that Ronan could even make the effort to get up. To not be high on something or drunk. Ronan was a fuck-up, and he really wasn’t worth the care that others put in him.
Ronan considered finding Kavinsky to get something to put him out of his misery, a pill, or a street race, or something more, but shook his head. Nothing with Kavinsky was ever free, and Ronan didn’t want to play any games that night. He was too tired for that bullshit.
And so, Ronan drove to Saint Agnes, and pulled into the parking lot, quieting the BMW with a turn of his keys. He climbed out and walked to the back of the church, to the door that was always left open “in case of emergencies”. Ronan stepped inside, something settling in his heart as he took in the familiar wooden arches and stained glass windows. It was one of the few places that still felt like home.
Ronan moved past the back pews where he, Mathew and Declan had taken to sitting in the past few months, to their old pew, the one where he would sit with his mom’s arms around him, whispering quietly in his ear to get him to keep still. He sat heavily on the oak, all too aware of the ghosts that surrounded him. Ronan stayed there lost in his thoughts for hours, until sleep finally pulled him away.
------
When Gansey called Adam later that night, out of breath and panicking because Ronan hadn’t come home, no one picked up. And when Noah found Ronan later, lying on the floor of the church in a pool of his own blood, Adam was lying on the floor of the trailer, unconscious, unaware of the phone on the wall ringing over and over.