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one night six years ago, sunoo remembers how he had felt absolutely burnt-out and sluggish after a long day of school, running errands and then night school. to make things worse, his phone had gone completely flat on him, and so, plugging his earpieces in had not been an option and he had been left with the pitter-patter of the rain to accompany him as he had dragged himself from the train station to his apartment.
sunoo recalls vividly how the sound of the rain had soon become just one, loud whirring noise, sounding like a mourning cry, as more raindrops fell from the gravel-grey sky. his lips had trembled like a leaf and he had shakily exhaled through his lips then as his two hands had held onto the strings of his bag, exhaustion weighing down on him like a heavy jacket and seeping to his bones as the raindrops landed on his skin.
he remembers clearly how he had had a gnawing urge to shut his eyes right then and there. and he remembers the way his tired body, covered in the grime of toil, had blindly passed familiar houses and his legs had carried him to his apartment as if on autopilot.
the streets leading to his apartment had been empty and barren, save for a few others roaming about, including a couple and sunoo remembers thinking of someone he knows at the back of his mind.
speak of the devil and he shall arrive, the familiar silhouette emerging from the shadows to wrap his lanky arms around sunoo.
sunoo remembers how despite shrouding in darkness that day, the fingertips tracing the outlines of his eyes had ignited some light in him as the two stood under the moon, basking in all its glory. and sunoo remembers how it was then that he had thought to himself that he was willing to come back to this, a home in the form of park sunghoon, every day for the rest of his life, and he remembers feeling love for the first time as if it was just yesterday.
“ There goes my heart beating
' Cause you are the reason
I'm losing my sleep
Please come back now ”
fast forward to the present day, as sunoo settles on one of the benches at the side, he starts to wonder about when everything had started to go south.
heartbreak is a funny thing, the way it is able to crush your soul into dust easily while under the guise of refining your edges. heartbreak is grief fur-lined with fear for a lack of happy-ever-after, it is like happiness has been stripped from your very soul but you are too worn out to even attempt to cling onto the loose threads of it.
in sunoo’s case, heartbreak makes him laugh humourlessly because he knows that he only has himself to blame for the empty feeling in his gut.
sunoo is an overthinker. this is an indisputable fact and is something that everyone he is acquainted with knows. so it is no surprise to anyone really, especially himself, when he catches himself replay every event that has happened in his life and overturn them in his mind, scrutinising every detail and every imperfection about himself, carrying out some sort of self-hypnosis to convince himself that he is unworthy of anything.
but sunoo has also never been good at expressing his emotions to other people, in fact, his friends—mainly jungwon, and maybe jay— would argue that he is the absolute worst at it. he prefers to keep his thoughts to himself because when he vocalises them, it means that he has to acknowledge his feelings and he would really rather not.
what doesn’t help is that he feels too much and his mind has been stuck in this dark pit for a long time, and nothing has really helped to get rid of the insecurities relentlessly plaguing his mind like a broken record. it’s like they have implanted themselves deep into his brain cavities and the same searing pain shoots through his body every time there is a trigger(and unfortunately, even the smallest things can trigger his dark thoughts). and it definitely does not help that sunoo prefers to suffer in silence by shutting himself out and dissociating from the rest of the world. this is exactly why his friends drag him out of his apartment so often so that sunoo is hardly left alone because solitude is the most effective catalyst for thoughts to flood his mind, drowning him and leaving his soul clawing desperately for air.
to be honest, sunoo doesn’t think he deserves this treatment from his friends. he’s ugly, disgusting and to top it off, he has no personality. each time his eyes catches a glimpse of the individual staring back at him in the mirror, he wonders if this is what others see every day and he has this itch to throw something, anything, at the man in the mirror. and he would scream and pull at his hair.
back then, a soft hand would always tug his hands away from his hair, gently soothe the abused and damaged hair for him, and wipe the tears under his eyes(tears which he did not notice had even formed), and a similarly soft pair of lips would come into contact with the crown of his head, leaving a fleeting kiss.
“ There goes my mind racing
And you are the reason
That I'm still breathing
I'm hopeless now ”
a distant memory suddenly pops up and automatically plays in sunoo’s mind, and sunoo helplessly watches as he is brought back to his kitchen, bare with any cooking equipment because neither of the two boys present had known how to cook(everything has changed though, as he remembers scrolling past sunghoon’s instagram post of some pasta he had made for both jake and himself).
but even so, it was welcome all the same, and sunoo mainly attributed it to the fact that sunghoon was here with him, in this moment, holding him tenderly in his grasp. moonlight poured in from the windows, reflecting on sunghoon’s pale face as the clock struck 12 in the morning. sunoo had just finished experiencing another mental breakdown and was leaning against sunghoon, exhausted from the bout of cathartic release. sunoo tiredly watched as sunghoon brushed the loose strands of his hair that stubbornly stuck to his wet skin on his face back and hummed an old song, one that he recognised as “beautiful in white” by westlife.
sunghoon had always loved that song, telling sunoo all about how good he would look in white on the day of their wedding, not having a single ounce of doubt that sunoo could pull white off even though sunoo had never actually worn a white shirt.
yep, with all of his flaws, whatever god out there sure was fair when creating him! but that same god had also given him the sweetest and most caring boyfriend he could have ever asked for which, until now, he still does not think he deserved. he had been there for sunoo through the darkest points of his life and had always given sunoo his unwavering support, which sunoo hadn’t known he had needed. and most importantly, he had chosen to love sunoo, and not anyone else, even with all of sunoo’s rough edges.
to be honest, seeing how sunghoon had been so beautiful then, illuminated by the pale moonlight, sunoo should have known that it was never his to keep. and now, that same man is walking away from him to promise someone else the same lifetime they had once promised each other, and by some sick twist of fate, he is here to watch it all unravel. it’s like every god there is trying to remind him of how repulsive he is as a person and mock him for it. if this is some kind of punishment destiny is dishing out to him, he wants none of it.
“ There goes my hands shaking
And you are the reason
My heart keeps bleeding
I need you now ”
the flowers in sunghoon’s hands are daffodils, jake’s favourite, and coincidentally sunoo’s as well. but today, the yellow and white splotches are too painful for sunoo to look at and so, he looks away, and instead, his eyes shift up to look at the owner of the hands.
the song playing(obviously chosen by sunghoon who has always ironically been into sad love songs) continues to reverberate through the church hall and sunoo stares as sunghoon breaks into a soft smile, eyes crinkling into half-moon crescents, as his eyes meet those of the boy in the white suit at the other end of the church(sunoo thinks that jake looks really good in white, much better than he ever would), leaving everyone in the church to look on in awe as jake makes his way down the aisle and to the altar, where sunghoon is patiently waiting.
“ And I'd climb every mountain
And swim every ocean
Just to be with you
And fix what I've broken
Oh, 'cause I need you to see
That you are the reason ”
sunoo’s heart aches as he thinks of the word ‘patient’. it is one of the words that most aptly describes sunghoon. he had been patient when sunoo had broken down in his hold, when sunoo had had his bad days(more often than not) and channeled his hatred for the world through his tears, and when all of his emotions had eventually burst out like a broken dam that one day, his irrationality causing him to blame everything he was feeling on the one man who had loved him and made him feel the happiest he had felt in his twenty four years of living(is it really living if he has now lost his pillar of support though?).
yet, sunghoon hadn’t blamed him. even when he had once admitted that he had lost himself a little in the duration of their relationship, he had never ever blamed it on sunoo but instead ruffled sunoo’s hair and said that he was staying because he wanted to and he was going to help sunoo love himself again even if it was at his own expense. sunghoon has always been like this, giving but never taking and never expecting anything in return. it was infuriating, sunoo thinks, the way sunghoon was so perfect, but had chosen to shower the most imperfect individual in existence with his love.
and yet, sunoo had taken it for granted. when they were still together, sunoo had kept pushing, pushing and pushing sunghoon away but the latter had always insisted on coming back. but sunoo should have known that that one day would eventually come, where he would finally tip sunghoon over the edge and sunghoon would be out of his reach and too far away for him to grasp.
stupid, sunoo chuckles bitterly, he had been so stupid to let the whole relationship go just like that, not fighting for it alongside sunghoon and just watching the red string that had once linked his pinky to sunghoon’s fade and eventually disappear.
and now here he is, stuck with the alternate ending of a story they had started together, where he is no longer the main lead and his role has been replaced by someone else, and he is going to lose the love of his life to someone else(or had he already lost him from the start?). it’s bittersweet, because while he is no longer romantically involved with sunghoon, he knows that the latter is in good hands with jake.
contrary to popular belief, sunoo doesn’t dislike or have any hard feelings towards jake, he just simply doesn’t know how to act around his ex’s current partner, who had been introduced to the group when sunghoon and jake had gotten together.
to be honest, sunoo doesn’t know whether he truly wants to know how to, not when for some reason, the pain he’s feeling (while not reflected on his face) causes his brown orbs to shimmer whenever jake and sunghoon would do anything remotely intimate around the rest of their friends, and jake would notice and send him a pitiful gaze, which sunoo knows jake in no way means for it to be offensive but still irks him all the same. if anything, jake is kind, he has the purest heart and sunoo can never find it in himself to blame jake for the prickly sensation of discomfort at his skin at the prospect of sunghoon and jake being together. he blames it on the weird feelings that he has been trying—read: trying— to repress ever since the break-up five years ago.
more often than not, he would catch jake as well as the rest of his friends look at him with worry in their eyes as they witness his once full cheeks become sunken in and his dark eye circles become an even darker shade(which they didn’t even know was possible) while sunghoon, on the other hand, seems to glow brighter each day with jake next to him as if jake is the sun personified.
in all honesty, sunoo hadn’t even known all his friends had noticed until jake had tugged him away from the rest of the group one day seven months ago and gently probed about his feelings. sudden realisation had hit him like a ton of bricks, and he had wished for the ground to swallow him whole then.
sunoo knows that jake had just been concerned(and probably still is) over the debilitating nature of his feelings and had only kindly prodded at him to share out of the goodness of his heart, never once hinting for sunoo to stop his feelings entirely and move on (though sunoo knows that jake isn’t the type to do that). but at that point in time, he hadn’t known how to react, and when everything had become too much for him to bear, he had just turned on his heel and left.
while he knew that the feelings were there, he had been in denial of it all and refused to put a name to it for more than four years. though he now knew his feelings were out in the open, displayed for everyone to see like a museum artifact, it wasn’t like he could go around parading that he was still hung up on his close-friend-turned-lover-turned-friend-who-now-has-a-boyfriend. in fact, he felt embarrassed, guilty even, that he had been unaware of how completely obvious he had been about liking sunghoon more than he admitted and had to have someone spell it out for him, and even worse, that someone being jake, said current partner of his ex.
while his friends had probably been aware of his lingering feelings for much longer than he had, sunoo really hadn’t wanted to seek comfort from either of them for this(not that he didn’t trust them because he definitely did). sunoo was left clueless as to what to do and he had spent the whole day on his couch pondering about how he was going to face his friends again, especially jake and well, sunghoon, that day.
furthermore, he was harshly reminded that five years was a long time and he was pretty certain that sunghoon no longer had even the slightest bit of romantic feelings left for him, although undoubtedly, the soft spot in sunghoon’s heart for sunoo was still there from the way sunghoon’s eyes still crinkled at the edges every time his eyes landed on sunoo and the way sunghoon always asked sunoo about how his day was (despite knowing that he would get a lack of response) each time they met up with the group.
sunoo was grateful for sunghoon, he always would be, but in all honesty, now that he had finally acknowledged his feelings, he wished that they hadn’t agreed to revert to being friends after their break up all those years ago because it hurt, so so bad that everything sunoo wanted back in his arms was so close yet so far.
so what do you do when you realise that you still haven’t moved on from your ex, especially one who you still see? you pretend your feelings don’t exist. while he was skilled at putting on a pretentious act, sunoo was still somewhat worried because there was still a fleeting thought that sunghoon knew. and what he was even more worried about was whether he could get over it, seeing how it had been five years but he was clearly still stuck in this pathetic i-haven’t-moved-on-from-my-ex phase.
back to the present, so far, if we ignore the fact that sunoo hasn’t eaten a proper meal in months, sunoo thinks that he has it under his belt because sunghoon definitely hasn’t confronted him about it (but sunoo knows that this is because he hardly turns up at their group hangouts anymore and hasn’t properly interacted with sunghoon in a long time ever since he had become aware of his feelings) and he is starting to move on, slowly but surely.
but while looking at the soon-to-be-wedded couple in front of him, he can’t help but feel tears spring up and prickle at his eyes. deep down, he knows that sunghoon has finally found his happiness, even though it isn’t with him, but it still pains him to witness it.
months of hard work with trying to ignore his feelings has suddenly started to come back at full force. he feels choked up as his chest constricts painfully and squeezes. but no, he knows that he can’t let the tears fall. while he was getting his heart broken, he had to be strong. this is a happy occasion and sunoo is definitely not going to ruin it for the couple, who are both his friends(albeit calling jake his friend is stretching it too much).
he suddenly remembers his whole purpose of being here in the first place, which is to give them his blessings, and not run out of there like a loser with tears pooling at his feet. no, he has been preparing himself for this ever since he had received the wedding invitation seven weeks ago and he is not going to let that happen. no matter what, he has to do this, for all the people who were here to celebrate this joyous occasion, for his friends, for jake, whom he still owes an apology, and for sunghoon.
“ I don't want to fight no more
I don't want to hide no more
I don't want to cry no more ”
steps he had practised prior to the wedding repeats in his head like a mantra. close your eyes, inhale, open your eyes, exhale, smile, repeat.
“ Come back, I need you to hold me
(You are the reason)
A little closer now, just a little closer now
Come a little closer, I need you to hold me tonight ”
by the time sunoo manages to keep his tears at bay, the wedding vows has already been exchanged and he watches helplessly as the couple seals the vows with a kiss, sunoo’s heart shattering bit by bit by the millisecond. i can do this, sunoo tries to convince himself as he stands up and claps alongside everyone else at the church, as the now-wedded couple breaks apart with identical grins plastered on their faces.
an emotion unforeign to him bubbles in sunoo’s gut, although less intense, as sunghoon locks eyes with him while taking a once-over of everyone in the church hall, eyes widening in surprise before softening at the edges, lips tugging up even more at the sight of sunoo, who had mysteriously disappeared from their friend group over the past few months, present at his wedding. sunoo is surprised that he even manages to muster a minuscule and half-hearted smile.
“ I'd climb every mountain
And swim every ocean
Just to be with you
And fix what I've broken
'Cause I need you to see
That you are the reason ”
this whole scene is like a fast-forwarded movie as the next thing he knows, the song has resumed playing and the couple has finished greeting their family members. sunoo steads himself as he sees the couple now making their way over to the group of friends, hand-in-hand.
upon approaching their friends who are hollering, the couple is immediately surrounded with “congratulations” and well wishes from their friends. sunghoon turns to face sunoo and gives him that same grin sunoo had fallen in love with, gently whispering a “i’m glad you could make it” to him as he pulls sunoo into a short hug. sunoo momentarily freezes in shock, straightening up stiffly and keeping his arms firmly placed at his sides.
by the time he registers the former’s words and manages to somewhat formulate a reply, sunghoon has already pulled away and jake has taken his place.
“sunoo,” jake breathes out as if he can’t believe sunoo is standing in front of him and not swiftly moving away, “i would like to apologise. i-i shouldn’t have said those things out of nowhere seven months ago. i know i had no right to say anything but i went ahead with it and i completely understand if you’re upset. i–,”
“i’m sorry for not realising sooner,” sunoo interrupts, not being able to take it anymore the way jake was feeling remorseful about sunoo’s own feelings. looking at jake in the flesh and briefly registering the look of surprise written on jake’s face makes sunoo forget all the lines he had strung together and rehearsed and he is left to fumble with words in his head.
while sunoo had planned on express the remorse he had been feeling for the past few months through an apology, he isn’t sure of how to start and awkwardly clenches and unclenches the fists at his sides.
however, the ever-so observant jake catches the action and offers a comforting smile, which pushes sunoo to settle on saying, “it’s not your fault, nothing is, really. i just needed time to process my feelings and accept how things have turned out because i found it unfair to both you and sunghoon who’ve been nothing but nice to me and i–”, sunoo’s voice breaking off as he struggles to put his thoughts into words. however, it seems like what he wanted to say had been conveyed and sweet ol’ jaeyun understood(he always did, that kind-hearted soul) as a look of understanding flashes across his features.
as sunoo briefly registers the curious glances thrown at them by his friends, he finds the courage to end off with a congratulations(because being alongside them was the last step to finally get himself to acknowledge the reality he had attempted to escape from), and he tries to convey from the bottom of his heart that he is truly happy for the both of them and that they both deserve this, while making sure that sunghoon can also hear him.
jake smiles warmly and reaches out a hand to squeeze one of sunoo’s as sunghoon returns to jake’s side and wraps an arm around him, both of them thanking him. glancing back at the rest of the friend group who are back to being engrossed in conversation, jake leans in slightly closer to sunoo and says, “i hope you find your happiness too sunoo, especially with yourself. you are a great person and we will always be here for you every step of the way. we all love you, and i hope that you never forget that.” as he says this, sunoo blinks in shock and warmth spreads through his insides, his stomach churning but not in a bad way.
although jake and sunoo aren’t the closest, sunoo knows that jake isn’t someone who lies, and his words mean all the same to him. sunoo has gotten better mentally over the past few months, and these are the exact words sunoo needs right now to spur him on, and jake had read his mind and delivered it with sincerity.
while he is thankful, he is also not one to make empty promises so with a genuine smile on his face, he turns to jake and replies, “i’ll try my best”, hoping that it is enough. by the way jake nudges his side gently, he knows that it is.
and it is at this moment, as he glances at his friends gathered in front of him, smiling cheerily and joking around, that he realises how much he had missed out on the past few months.
it is also then that he concludes that while he isn’t content with who he is right now or how life is treating him (with the feelings and all), he is going to be one day, and mulling over his past relationship and waiting for it to happen again isn’t going to help. feeling the steady presence next to him, he glances back at jake and notices that the other is already looking at him, smiling encouragingly as if he knows what sunoo is thinking.
sunoo knows that jake believes in him, that all his friends do, and sunoo thinks that that is enough. for his friends and maybe finally for himself, he will keep trying.