Chapter Text
Chapter 4: What Do I Say, To Make Me Exist?
Adam felt a tightness in his chest as he rode his scooter over to the Vaughn house. He was scared, but also excited. He hadn’t been able to share what he was going through with anyone. He’d felt so isolated since the Winter Formal. The few times he’d talked to his friends over winter break, he’d felt like he was lying to them. He’d smiled and told them everything was fine, but it couldn’t be less true.
The more Adam thought about, the more he realized that he’d never liked being a boy. He’d hated it whenever anyone called him a “man”. Before the formal, he’d thought it was because it made him feel old, but he realized that it was because not only did he not feel like a man but he didn’t want to be one. He’d always thought he was blasé about his own gender, but now he couldn’t stop thinking about himself as a girl. Whereas thinking of himself as a boy at mostly made Adam feel ambivalent, the thought of being a girl made him feel good. Whenever he saw himself in the mirror, he imagined himself with longer hair, no stubble, and smoother skin. And he liked what he could imagined.
But while Adam wanted to be a girl, the process, the transition, terrified him. He hated imagining what happened between accepting himself as a transwoman and actually looking like a woman. The thought of his friends referring to him with she/her pronouns, with a feminine name, while he still looked like a boy and sounded like a boy made his skin crawl. And he knew he was being unreasonable. If one of his friends came out as trans, these weren’t thoughts Adam would have about them. But it wasn’t one of his friends, it was him, and Adam couldn’t help his fears.
And all that was assuming he could start transitioning. He didn’t have the resources to do it alone. He’d already gone through puberty, and while it hadn’t affected him as much as it had most guys (thank God), his facial hair grew quickly and his voice was far too deep to pass as female. He needed HRT, laser hair removal, and speech therapy, at the least, to start transitioning the way he wanted to. He couldn’t afford any of that on his own. His parents could, easily, but that relied on them supporting him. And he couldn’t imagine that they would.
Adam knew he had to tell his parents. He needed their help. Even though he couldn’t imagine them actually helping him transition, he needed to at least try. But whenever he thought about telling them, his chest grew tight and his mind would spiral into the worst possibilities. He’d had nightmares about being kicked out of the house or sent to conversion therapy.
And something was holding him back from fully thinking of himself as a woman. Even in his own head, he thought of himself with he/him pronouns even though he thought of himself less and less as a boy. Mostly, he thought of himself as a boy who would one day be a girl. He felt that once he started transitioning, then he would start thinking of himself as a girl.
Adam stopped his scooter in front of Jules’ house. He set it down in the porch and walked up to the front door. He raised his hand to ring the doorbell and froze. This was it. Once he told Jules, it was out in the world and he couldn’t take it back. He thought about turning around and running home. He could tell Jules that everything was alright and he’d overreacted to something and didn’t need her help anymore.
But that wasn’t true. Adam knew how he felt. And he knew that Jules wouldn’t out him. So, he took a deep breath and rang the doorbell.
A few seconds later, an older man with short, curly gray hair answered the door. “Adam, right?” he asked.
“Oh, uh, yeah,” Adam replied, surprised Jules’ dad remembered him. “Nice to see you again, Mr. Vaughn.”
“Please, call me David,” Mr. Vaughn said, “Come in. Jules is upstairs in her room.”
“Thank you,” Adam said, walking past David into the house. He slipped his flip flops off by the front door and walked up the stairs to Jules’ room. The door was partially open and he could see her laying on her bed and texting someone. God, she was beautiful. Adam could only hope to one day look like Jules. Nervously, he walked over to the door and softly knocked on it.
“Hey Adam,” Jules said, setting her phone down and turning to him.
“Hey Jules,” Adam replied. He stood awkwardly in the doorway looking at her. He had no idea how to get started.
“So, what did you want to talk about?” Jules asked gently. She sat up on the edge of the bed.
“Um… If I tell you something, do you promise you won’t tell anyone else?” Adam asked.
“Of course,” Jules replied. She looked concerned for him, looking at him intently.
“I mean anybody. I… No one else can know about this right now. Not even Rue,” Adam said. He didn’t know why he felt the need to repeat himself. He trusted Jules. But the thought of someone finding out about this outside of his control terrified him.
Jules practically flinched when he mentioned Rue. “That won’t be a problem. I promise,” she told him. Adam wondered if something had happened between her and Rue, but that wasn’t what he was here to talk about.
“Okay, thank you,” he said. Again, he froze for a second.
“So what did you want to tell me?” Jules asked again after a few seconds. She stood up and took a step towards him. Adam looked up at her. He always forgot how tall Jules was. She was about half a foot taller than him.
“Well… I… Um… I think that… that I might be…. Jules, I think I’m transgender,” Adam finally forced out. He felt sick as soon as it left his mouth. The room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop, but Adam’s heart was hammering and he could hear the roar of his blood in his ears. He squeezed his eyes shut and started breathing heavily.
And suddenly Adam felt Jules pull him into a hug. He wrapped his arms tightly around her and started crying. It was the first time he’d cried since the Winter Formal. Adam clung to Jules like she was the only other person in the entire world.
“It’s okay,” Jules told him quietly. “I promise you that everything will be okay.”
Adam held onto Jules for what felt like an hour, even though it was probably just a few minutes. She didn’t say anything else, she just held him until he was ready. “Thank you,” he said finally, stepping back and wiping his eyes. “I haven’t been able to tell anyone else.”
“Can I ask you some questions about it?” Jules asked him. She led Adam over to her bed and they sat on the edge of it.
“Yeah,” Adam replied. Jules kept ahold of one of his hands and he held it gratefully.
“When did you figure it out?” she asked. “Or did you always know?”
“I didn’t always know. Um, well, it kind of started when I first met you last semester,” he started. Adam stood up and started pacing. “To tell you the truth, I was kind of obsessed with you last semester.”
“Really?” Jules asked. She seemed surprised, even though Adam had always worried he was being obvious and creepy.
“Yeah. I thought I was in love you.” Adam felt so awkward admitting it, but it felt good to tell someone. “But it was different than other crushes I’ve had. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I even started dreaming about you.” He started picking at the skin around his fingernails. “A few times I even had dreams I was you.”
“Oh,” Jules replied. She seemed shocked at everything Adam was telling her.
“And then I saw you and Rue dancing at the Winter Formal, and it all clicked. I was obsessed with you because I wanted to be you,” Adam said, but as he finished he realized that what he was saying could sound really creepy. “Uh, not in, like, a creepy way. Like, I don’t actually want to be you. I just-“
“Don’t worry, I understand what you mean,” Jules interrupted. She smiled at him. “Do you know why you put it together when you saw me and Rue dancing?”
“I think it’s because I realized that’s what I’ve always wanted. Like, I’ve always pictured a future for myself with a female partner, but the idea of being a woman with a female partner felt so right that everything kind of fell into place.” Adam hadn’t realized he knew the answer to that question until he explained it to Jules, but as he gave the answer he knew it was right.
“Did you ever think you might be trans before that?” she asked. She seemed genuinely interested. Adam sat back on the edge of the bed next to Jules.
“I think I did, but I didn’t know the right term for it. Like, when I was four or five I told people that I wished I was a girl,” he said.
Jules laughed. “Yeah, I did the same thing when I was around that age.”
Adam smiled back at her. “What did they say, when you told them?”
“Honestly? At first my parents didn’t really take it seriously. My friends and teachers didn’t really, either. But my parents didn’t stop me when I started dressing like a girl. And eventually, my dad helped me start the process of transitioning when I was thirteen,” Jules told him. “What about you?”
“My parents didn’t take it as well as yours. My dad told me to never say it again, and my mom kind of laughed it off and told me I wouldn’t feel that way in a few years. Nate and Aaron teased me about it for a long time.” Adam looked down at the floor. He hadn’t realized how much those memories hurt.
“I’m really sorry, A-… I’m really sorry,” Jules said, hugging Adam from the side.
Adam wiped his eyes. “It’s okay. It was a long time ago.”
“Hey, is there another name you’d like me to call you?” Jules asked.
“Oh. Um… I haven’t really thought about a new name yet. I guess I need one,” he replied.
“It would be a bit weird calling you the name of the first man,” Jules grinned.
“Wait, that’s it,” he said, turning excitedly to Jules. “What do you think about Eve?”
Jules grinned at him. “What do you think about Eve?” she asked him in return.
“Can you call me it once or twice? Just so I can hear it,” he asked.
Gently, Jules placed a hand on the side of his face and looked into his eyes. “Hi Eve,” she said.
Eve Jacobs felt a surge of warmth through her body when Jules called her by her name, her real name, for the first time. “It’s perfect,” she replied, smiling harder than she had in a long time.
“Oh, by the way, how did you pick Jules? If you don’t mind me asking,” Eve asked.
“I don’t,” Jules replied. “And I didn’t. My birth name was Jules. My dad is a big Jules Verne fan. I just kept the name when I transitioned.”
Eve laughed. “You know, I think I might have referred to you as Jules Verne before on accident.”
Jules laughed back. “It happens a lot. You have no idea.”
Eve took a deep breath after she stopped laughing. “Jules, what do I do now?” she asked. Jules squeezed Eve’s hand.
“What do you want out of your transition?” she asked.
“I want to look like you,” Eve replied. “I don’t want facial hair. Or body hair. And I want my face to look more feminine. And I want…” Eve awkwardly placed her hands in front of her chest.
“Boobs?” Jules asked, laughing. Eve laughed back.
“Yeah! Like, I don’t need them to be big or anything, but I would like to have them,” Eve said.
“They’re pretty great,” Jules agreed. “Even if they’re not that big,” she said, looking down at her own chest.
“Yours’s look good!” Eve assured her before realizing what she was saying. “Um, I mean…” she stuttered as she felt her face get hot.
Jules just laughed in response. “It’s okay! These are things that girls can talk about with each other,” she said, smiling at Eve. Eve froze for a second, before smiling widely at Jules.
“Thank you,” Eve said simply. “During winter break I thought I would never feel okay again.”
“We all need help sometimes. I’m glad I could be here to help you,” Jules said. “Hey, do you want to try on some clothes?” Jules asked.
“I… Sure!” Eve replied, although she felt a bit nervous.
“Come over here,” Jules said, standing up and pulling Eve over to the closet. There were a few boxes at the bottom of the closets that Jules started rummaging through. “Grab anything that looks good.”
Eve realized that the clothes in the boxes were pretty much all the outfits Jules wore last semester. “Why did you box all these up?” Eve asked, pulling out a blue shirt with white flowers on it.
“It’s complicated,” Jules said.
“You can talk about it, if you want to,” Eve said. Jules stopped rummaging through the boxes and sat back on the floor.
“It’s just… I realized that I dressed the way I did because it was expected of me,” Jules said after a second.
“Who expected it of you?” Eve asked, not following.
“Everyone. But mostly men, I guess. I wanted to make sure everyone saw me as a woman, so I dressed the most femininely I could. And I thought that meant dressing in a way men would like.”
“So you only dressed that way to please men?” Eve asked, surprised. She couldn’t imagine doing that.
“Maybe? I’m just trying to make an effort now to dress the way I want to dress, not the way people expect me to dress,” Jules answered. Eve looked over Jules and the outfit she was wearing.
“Well, you still look great,” Eve replied. “There probably isn’t much you couldn’t pull off.”
“Thanks,” Jules smiled. “But, all that aside, it means there’s a lot of outfits you could wear. If you wanted. Although these will probably be a bit big on you.”
“That’s fine,” Eve smiled. “You’re the only one that will see me in them, and I don’t think you’ll judge me for it.” After another few seconds of rummaging through the clothes, Eve pulled out a full outfit. “Is there a bathroom I can change in?”
“You can change in here,” Jules said, almost absently. Eve froze for a second before Jules realized Eve was uncomfortable. “Actually, I’m going to go grab some snacks from the kitchen. You can change while I’m gone.”
“Thanks,” Eve said, waiting as Jules left her room. Eve looked down at the clothes. She’d never worn woman’s clothing before. She took a deep breath and started pulling off her T-shirt and shorts. When she was in her boxers, she looked into the mirror on Jules’ wall for a second. She mentally removed the body hair and added a few curves. Not a lot, just something she might reasonably expect to get with HRT. And she liked what she could imagine.
After a few seconds of looking at herself, Eve put on a plaid skirt, a white long sleeve undershirt, and a purple T-shirt over it. The shirt was a little long and the skirt went farther down than it did on Jules, but it looked really good. Eve smiled at herself in the mirror before she heard someone knock on the door.
“Am I good to come in?” Jules asked.
“Yeah,” Eve said, turned to face the door as Jules walked in holding a bowl full of grapes. Jules looked at her, surprised.
“You have a really good sense of style,” Jules said, smiling. “It looks really good.” Eve was beaming back at her.
“Thanks! I think it will look better with longer hair,” Eve said, looking into the mirror and trying to push her hair out to make it look a little more feminine. Jules set the bowl down on the bed and walked up behind her.
“By the way, Eve, you’re not dressing like this because you think you’re expected to, right?”
“No,” Eve replied. “Thanks for checking, but no. I like the way I look right now. I don’t really care if men do.” She paused for a second before continuing. “To be honest, I’m not interested in men. In that way.”
“That makes two of us,” Jules grinned, before walking back over to the bowl of grapes.
“Wait, but I thought you were talking to a guy last semester. Before you and Rue started dating,” Eve said, confused. Eve saw Jules freeze for a second when she mentioned the guy.
“Oh, yeah. That… that didn’t work out,” Jules said simply, clearly trying to change the subject. “I guess it’s not that I’m not interested in men at all. Just not right now. I guess I’d called myself pansexual, if I had to put a label on it. But I’m focused on a woman, at the moment.”
“Rue?” Eve asked.
“Yeah,” Jules sighed. “But… I think I fucked it up.” She sat on the edge of her bed and started eating the grapes.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Eve asked, walking back over to Jules.
“If you’re down for a really long and sad story,” Jules replied. Eve sat on the bed next to Jules.
“You just let me bare my soul to you. I think I owe you,” Eve grinned. Jules smiled back at her.
“Alright. But first… do you want me to do your make-up, while I explain it?” Jules asked.
“I’d love that,” Eve answered.