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Monday, 9:24
venti created a groupchat named “the true fruits basket”
venti added 20 members
venti: send help i’m doing the hw while the teacher’s collecting the homework i need a distraction
diluc: and you created this chat instead of doing your work for this reason?
venti: someone send help now
venti: i’ll personally serenade you with the shape of you x wap mashup that i created on my hot flaming mixtape
venti: for free
childe: i’ll do it
xiao: i should’ve known childe would agree to this fucking bullshit.
beidou: wait no be quiet, i want to see how this goes down.
diluc: how much aspirin can i dry swallow before 10 oclock
kaeya: the teachers are gonna think you’re doing drugs
venti: childe i’m in ms. beatrice’s class rn in the cryo wing, do something that’ll get her out of here for a good few minutes.
childe: you want me to explode the toilets or something in the boys bathroom
xiao: you better fucking not last year in the cryo bathroom someone already smeared actual fucking shit all over the mirrors.
albedo: didn’t someone steal all the mirrors from there too?
albedo: wait no that must’ve been the one in the pyro wing.
venti: LMAO WAS IT ONLY THE BOYS BATHROOM??
albedo: no i think it was from both bathrooms and from the faculty bathroom’s too.
kaeya: WAIT ALBEDO HOW DO YOU KNOW IT WAS GONE FROM THE FACULTY BATHROOM TOO
albedo: all the faculty bathrooms keep hydrochloric acid in the bottom cabinets.
beidou: was our little evil scientist stealing chemicals from the faculty again lmao
xiao: what do you mean again.
albedo: no sucrose got permission this time.
xiao: THIS TIME??
keqing: WHY THE HELL IS ASTRONAUT IN THE OCEAN BLASTING THROUGH THE MOTHERFUCKING HALLWAYS
kaeya: where is your class rn keqing
keqing: mr. hughes class in cryo wing
kaeya: LMAO CHILDE ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING??
venti: IT WAS LIKE A SPY MOVIE I WAS TRYING TO DISABLE A BOMB AND THERES 3 SECONDS LEFT AND ALL OF A SUDDEN “WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT ROLLING DOWN IN THE DEEP” BLSTS THROUGH THE HALLWYAS
venti: WAIT I JUST HEARD A LOUD BANG IN THE HALLWAYS WHAT
venti: ms. beatrice was already startled by the sudden appearance of astronaut in the ocean but this got her out the classroom thanks childe ;)
childe: the astronaut in the ocean wasn’t me.
kaeya: WAIT WHAT MADE THE EXPLOSION THEN
xiao: it better have not been you exploding the boys bathrooms.
childe: what if it was?
childe: what are you going to do about it??? you’re like 150 centimeters
xiao: i’m going to find you and chew your face off and pressurize it in my stomach into a flesh bullet and spit it at you and shatter your skull into a thousand shards.
childe: WHAT
kaeya: CHILDE ANSWER ME WHAT MADE THE EXPLOSION
childe: oh lol i was setting up a smoke machine in the hallways but it started sparking and fizzing and then it exploded.
kaeya: dude you good?
childe: yea lmao i made a quick getaway.
Monday, 11:31
amber: why is this chat called the true fruits basket. is this bc we’re all gay?
venti: precisely. i’m so glad we great minds think alike.
childe: i’m not gay tho
venti: the most cap i’ve ever heard in four words.
childe: IM NOT THO?????
zhongli: Good morning, fellow students. If you had heard Astronaut In the Ocean by Masked Wolf play in the hallways at around 9:30 AM, please forgive me. I was in the office delivering papers for a teacher when my phone had synced up to the speakers and broadcasted the song through the entire school. I apologize for the disturbance.
venti: ZHONGLI THAT WAS YOU LMAO ???
childe: hi zhongli
zhongli: Hello, Tartaglia. It is good to see you. I have read the previous text messages. Are you alright from the explosion?
childe: oh of course! it was at most a small scratch from the debris but i got away fine!
ganyu: …
beidou: i-
venti: “i’M nOt GaY tHo”
childe: IM NOT
rosaria: that was the fruitiest fucking thing i’ve ever seen and i sit right behind beidou and ningguang during math
lisa: forget basket, childe alone is the entire fruit store.
sucrose: hello everyone! does anyone know why classes are out so early? i think i heard an explosion near the cryo wing earlier? i was in the geo wing next to it btw.
albedo: childe’s smoke machine exploded and the fire alarms started going off.
sucrose: oh okay! i thought one of the experiments in the lab went awry and exploded, that would’ve been horrible!
albedo: yea we’re lucky the hydrofluoric acid didn’t leak out.
diluc: the what? you’re highschoolers, how are you getting corrosive acid for your experiments? what experiments are you trying to perform?
albedo: we’re trying to experiment how fast the cishets dissolve and which chemical works best lol
kaeya: /j?? where’s the /j ???
ningguang: i’m volunteering childe tartaglia or whatever his full name is as a test subject i think he’ll have valuable data to record.
lisa: LMAO CHILDE GETTING DISSOLVED INTO A PUDDLE OF CISHET JUICE IN THE LAB
albedo: yea i thought about that but i guess that doesn’t really apply anymore since he’s not hetero
childe: all of a sudden i’m not straight anymore.
beidou: we been knew bitch you’re not fooling anyone tf
childe: IM NOT ACTUALLY GAY I JUST DONT WANNA BE DISSOLVED INTO A CISHET JUICE POUCH OKAY
zhongli: Do not worry. Albedo and Sucrose get their supplies in legal ways approved by the school and student council. There will be no making of this “cishet beverage” that is made of Tartaglia.
scaramouche: so the reason we have to stand outside like this is because of childe’s stupid crusty ass???
scaramouche: i’m gonna fucking kill you and hang out your fucking underwear with the skid marks for the entire school to see, you fucking chewed up travis scott burger
childe: I AM NOT A TRAVIS SCOTT BURGER
diluc: that’s the part you’re fixated on?
kaeya: childe would probably unironically like the travis scott burger though.
mona: EW DOES THIS MEAN CHILDE HAS SKID MARKS
childe: NO WTF I DON’T HAVE FUCKING SHIT STAINS ON THEM
albedo: this means that being called a travis scott burger was significantly worse than having skid marks to childe
venti: ugh someone lock him up
venti: just the thought of this musty unshowered cishet walking around free with dookie stains on his tighty whities is enough to turn me straight
childe: I SHOWER WTF AND I DON’T EVEN WEAR TIGHTY WHITIES NOR DO I HAVE SHIT STAINS ON THEM
lisa: childe probably wears like the minions briefs
lisa: the minion pattern is struggling to peek out through that thick layer of caca
childe: FUCK YOU GUYS I WIPE MY ASS WELL AND I DON’T WEAR MINIONS UNDERWEAR EITHER I FUCKING HATE YOU GUYS I HOPE YOU GET RUN OVER BY A BUS
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Monday, 11:49
aether created the chat “gatekeep gaslight girlboss mansplain manipulate malewife”
aether added 11 people
aether: hello girlbosses and malewives
hu tao: that reminds me, once i overheard a girl telling her friend that her little sister ran over their cat
hu tao: and i called her little sister a hashtag girlboss am i going to see the pearly gates of heaven yes or no
lumine: absolutely not
xingqiu: hell no
xinyan: sorry girlboss, you’re never gonna witness the light of day ever again.
noelle: hello! does anyone here know why we have been standing outside in the track field for a while now?
chongyun: apparently a fire started in the cryo wing and spread through the hallways.
barbara: my sister said in the groupchat for seniors one senior brought a smoke machine to distract a teacher for another senior to finish their homework but it exploded.
aether: WHAT
xiangling: guys i think i got food poisoning?
aether: HUH
lumine: and the plot thickens
xingqiu: yea just like xiangling’s shit
fischl: dear acquaintance, what just emerged from the entrance of your dental orifice was positively the most vile thing to have fallen upon my ears.
hu tao: dental orifice lol
hu tao: yestermorning i placed a high multitude of members of the hymenoptera family into my dental orifice and consumed them for my morning meal
aether: HU TAO ATE FUCKING BEES???
lumine: none of you deserve rights. you never have and never will.
xingqiu: i hate this chat already i’m going to fucking call all of you slurs when we’re not in front of the teachers.
hu tao: is this because i stole all the mirrors from the bathrooms in pyro wing that one time or
chongyun: what even was the main purpose of this chat
aether: oh i wanted to cheat in tests lmao
lumine: this is exactly why i’m the better twin
xiangling: also why was astronaut in the ocean playing through the whole school this morning
hu tao: oh that was bc a senior's phone accidentally connected with the speakers it was so funny maybe i should play it on ten hours loop next time
xinqiu: how do you know this
hu tao: he texted me about this to apologize to the sophomores lmao
chongyun: wait xiangling how did you get food poisoning in the first place
xiangling: oh i was walking to school this morning and there was just this bag of potato wedges sitting on the sidewalk and like i missed breakfast so i took a little munchy from it.
xingqiu: XIANGLING THEY COULD’VE BEEN DRUGGED OR INFUSED WITH WEED OR WORSE PISSED IN
xiangling: oh well i was hungry lol and they looked pretty good tbh
xinyan: was it bussin
xiangling: yes it was pretty good but i feel like something was missing
xiangling: maybe a little bit of succondese would really finish it off
chongyun: huh whats succondese
xingqiu: CHONGYUN NO
xiangling: SUCCONDESE NUTS LMAO GOTTEM
hu tao: YO LMAO GOOD ONE
xiangling: thank you very much it was worth sitting on the toilet having my insides shredded apart bye little gnomes wearing walmart press on nails made of shrapnel
lumine: maybe you should get that checked out…
xiangling: i’ll be fine after a while its all good :)
xiangling: today for lunch i brought a whole coconut to eat.
aether: so you’re just gonna sit there chipping away at the brown little husk to get to the meat?
xingqiu: this reminds be of that time i walked into the cafeteria and saw one of the seniors eating a whole head of lettuce at the table
hu tao: he be like me fr fr
xingqiu: no i think he might have been having a psychotic break or smth his eyes were kinda dull and he was just sitting there gnawing at the head of lettuce that was bigger than his own head.
barbara: wait which senior was it?
xingqiu: the short one with green hair or smth he also had a tattoo on his arm i think.
hu tao: WAIT XIAO???
xingqiu: maybe idk but lil buddy looked like he was really going through it.
xinyan: you say lil buddy as if you’re not a short twink yourself
xingqiu: SHUT UP I’M TALLER THAN HIM AT LEAST
xinyan: whatever you say gnomeo
xingqiu: xinyan i will hide in the walls of your house and put three grams of sand in every one of your rooms until your house is flooded with sand. you will wonder where everything went and how all this sand got here but it’s too late, your home and haven will be replaced by nothing but a barren desert.
noelle: guys please stop fighting
noelle: two seniors have started to brawl on the soccer field.
hu tao: RECORD IT
noelle: fischl had started recording the second it began.
aether: which seniors are they
noelle: the red haired one and the blue haired one with the eyepatch
xiangling: do you think the blue haired senior smells like earring backs underneath that eyepatch
lumine: i mean probably, mf looks like he doesn’t ever wash underneath there
lumine: he’s probably musty af
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Monday, 12:26
jean: kaeya, the sophomores are calling you musty and saying you smell like earring backs underneath your eyepatch
kaeya: HUH
ningguang: kaeya and childe slander will never not be funny.