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Published:
2021-06-01
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2,217
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Where’d All the Time Go?

Summary:

‘do you miss it?’

‘i miss everything’

-

regulus goes to visit sirius one last time before he faces his death in the cave

Notes:

i was feeling sad when i wrote this sorry if i break your hearts xx

title- where’d all the time go? by dr. dog

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:


It was an underwhelming building, where Sirius and Lupin lived, cracked paint and broken windows. Regulus felt rather out of place walking shakily up the steep stairs to get to their flat. He didn’t even know if Sirius was in, Merlin knows what he’d do if Remus Lupin answered the door instead. Maybe he should turn back and just get on with his mission already.

Regulus always expected Sirius to be living lavish in France or Italy in one of Uncle Alphard’s many estates. In another life, he would go and visit his brother and they would lay in the grass and listen to the grand piano that had been charmed to play by itself. 

Oh how he wished for another life. Another chance to do it all again. He’d change so many things, if he could. He would get rid of the horrid stain on his left arm that tied him to the Dark Lord forever. He would hug his brother more. He would smile, maybe.

Though Regulus never thought he would need it, he memorised Sirius’s address and stored it away in the back of his mind for safe keeping. He remembered it so well that not even the most powerful obliviate in the world could make him forget. It was permanently etched onto his brain, reminding him that Sirius was so close but so far away. And now, he was just down the hall from Regulus- who was moving so slowly that it was as if he wasn’t moving at all.

Flat Nine looked just like every other flat door on that corridor. The only difference being the magic Regulus could feel pulsing off it. It must be nice to be muggle, he thought, completely ignorant to a war going on practically across the hall from them.

His hand faltered as he reached for the door knocker, which was almost falling off. He knew he wasn’t welcome. Sirius may just hex him and send him away. Lupin might punch him, he’d always been quick to anger. Potter would curse him out, call him for all kinds, tell him he was a disgrace. Evans would shut the door in his face without a word. Pettigrew wouldn’t be there, he knew because he’d just left a Death Eater meeting he saw the traitor skulking around in.

He was on his death bed anyway, he had nothing to lose.

Knocking twice, Regulus listened to hushed whispers and a furious scramble behind the chipped brown door. There were people home. An overwhelming sense of dread filled his stomach and he fought the urge to flee.

The door cracked open an inch but no one stuck their head around. Instead, Lupin’s gravelly voice echoed off the thin walls.

”Who is it?” He croaked. He sounded tired. Everyone was so tired.

”It’s Regulus- uhm Regulus Black.”

There was a long silence where no one dared move. Regulus didn’t think he could move if he tried, it was as if there was a permanent sticking charm glueing him to the floor.

Suddenly the door flung wide open and he was shoved backwards into the wall behind him, banging his head painful. Someone had a tight grip on his collar and a wand pressed to his throat. Regulus opened his eyes to find his brother towering over him menacingly like he used to do when Snape hit a nerve.

”What the bloody fuck are you doing here?” It was aggressive and angry, growled out like a feral animal. The person stood in front of him was only a shell of his brother.

”Wanted to say goodbye.”

Sirius took a step back in confusion and Regulus took the chance to push the offending wand away from his jugular. Stood in the doorway were three people, Lupin, Potter, and Evans (she was Potter now too, Regulus reminded himself). Great, he’d interrupted a family get together.

”Sod off, got nothing to say to you.” Sirius turned and pushed his way back into the flat. Regulus didn’t really know what to say, eyeing the other three Gryffindors with caution incase one of them decided he was worth hexing. In truth they all looked terrible and worn down, but Regulus supposed he looked the same.

”I’ll go and make tea,” Lily muttered, excusing herself. Regulus was left stood facing James and Remus, who looked down at him easily with his staggering 5’7” hight.

”You’re a death eater.” James stated, as if it wasn’t common knowledge.

”In some ways.”

”Why should we let you in.”

”You probably shouldn’t, it would be awfully stupid of you to invite the enemy into your home. But alas, we’re at a crossroads.”

There was an awkward silence where the two taller boys seemed to be having a conversation with their eyes and Regulus rubbed the back of his head where he slammed into the wall.

”Give us your wand,” Lupin started “we don’t want any funny business.”

They were cautious, he’d give them that. That was good. That would keep them alive. He handed over his wand wordlessly and watched various expressions of shock flit over their faces as if they had been expecting a fight. Regulus was too tired to fight anymore. They stepped aside and he walked into the flat, examining their walls which were filled with pictures of Sirius and Remus and their friends. None of Regulus, but he wasn’t surprised.

Sirius was sat hunched over at the small kitchen table while Lily fussed about by the kettle with five mugs. The flat looked to have lots of muggle appliances, as if Sirius and Remus had forgotten they were wizards in their time since Hogwarts.

”Thought I told you to sod off,” Sirius muttered.

”You did.” Regulus said simply.

”So what have you got to say for yourself?”

”Goodbye.”

A furious expression crossed Sirius’ face. Lily shifted at the counter like she was ready to stun him if he got up to strange Regulus, which he looked like he was about to. He could feel James and Remus stood behind him like bodyguards blocking his exit strategy.

”Stop speaking in fucking riddles Regulus!” He gasped out fiercely, standing up and making his chair topple to the ground. Regulus flinched at the sudden movement but that didn’t stop his older brother, who was advancing towards him.

”I’m... going away. For a long time.” He settled on, trying to deescalate the situation.

”And why would we care about that?”

”I didn’t plan on the whole cavalry being here,” Regulus huffed.

The kitchen fell into silence once again. Maybe Regulus’ presence had made them too dumbfounded to speak, or maybe there wasn’t much to talk about in the Black-Lupin household.

Regulus stuck a hand in the pocket of his robes and fished out a piece of parchment quickly, since Remus had raised his wand and aimed it at his head like he was pulling a cursed dagger out of his robe pocket to slash them all with. He threw the parchment onto the table where Sirius was stood.

”Read it when I’m gone, I don’t want you to try and stop me.” Sirius raised an eyebrow at his words, like he didn’t believe him. Regulus was sick of not being believed.

”Or don’t, throw it in the bin if you hate me that much.”

Sirius’ features softened suddenly, he looked close to tears and Regulus wasn’t prepared to comfort his estranged brother an hour before his untimely death.

”Are you going to do something stupid?” James asked from beside him.

Regulus just nodded in confirmation. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew how dangerous this was, he knew how many things could go wrong, he knew he wasn’t walking out of that cave. He’d come to terms with it.

Lily shoved a mug forward in his direction, it was blue with miniature illustrated wolves in different positions. He took it and murmured a small thank you.

”The Dark Lord is winning,” they all flinched, “there is no denying it. But he shouldn’t, win, that is.”

All four faces stared at him like he’d grown two heads in front of their eyes. Lily’s gaze kept flickering down to arm where his mark nestled. Regulus suddenly remembered she had a child, Harry he recalled, he must ask how he’s doing. He always wanted children, but Orion was never the poster for good fathers and Regulus doubted he would be much better.

”But you’re-”

”A Death Eater. In name, I suppose, but not for long.” The disbelief was evident on their faces. It made Regulus’ skin crawl.

They stayed stood in silence in the kitchen for what felt like an eternity. It wasn’t pleasant, or the emotional reunion Regulus had dreamt of, but being here with his brother after three years of practically no contact was enough. Even if he was being judged profusely.

His tea had gone cold.

He placed his mug down and turned around, sliding between James and Remus and back out into the hall. It was suffocating, their confusion and their pity and their anger. Regulus didn’t need it, he needed the sweet release of death, where he could finally relax. He’d see them again, at some point. The selfish part of his brain hoped it’s was soon, that the Black brothers would meet again in the afterlife and spend eternity in happiness.

On his walk back towards the door he looked more closely at the pictures. Remus and Sirius were closer than he thought, too close to be friends. Many photos depicted Sirius placing loving, sloppy kissed on Remus’ scarred cheek, or grabbing onto his waist and draping himself over the taller man. 

It was nice, that he’d found love, sweet even. He deserved it.

Amidst the cluster of school pictures and muggle polaroids (that didn’t move and Regulus found all too scary) was a small dainty frame. In it stood Andromeda, adorned with Sirius and Regulus on either side, grinning into the camera. His hair wasn’t gelled back, flowing free in its naturally wavy state, and he had a genuine smile spread across his cheeks.

Regulus remembered that day vividly. The summer before Sirius ran away from home he dragged his younger brother out of the house to visit their disgraced cousin and meet her husband and newborn daughter. If Regulus thought back, it was the best day of his life.

Footsteps approached him from the side and he turned to see Sirius walking towards him solemnly.

”Do you miss it?” Regulus asked fondly, gazing back at the photograph, their tight hug stuck in a loop on Sirius’ wall forever. His eyes glazed over, replaying the memory in his head.

”I miss everything.” It was spoken so timidly he almost didn’t hear it. 

The war had taken so many lives, so much happiness, so much effort on both sides. Regulus could only hope what he was going to do put a stop to all their pain.

He lifted his hand to reach out to his brother. Part of him wished Sirius would grab him by the shoulders and shake him until he agreed to stay, promise him everything would be okay and they could be brothers again. That was unrealistic. He dropped his hand again.

Remus handed him his wand carefully and Regulus nodded gratefully at him, he unlocked the door with a spell and moved towards it, turning around one last time before he stepped over the threshold and to his death. 

“Thank you for the tea, Lily, I hope your son is doing well.” Lily sent him a small smile, which he appreciated. 

He hesitated slightly before stepping out into the hall and starting off down the corridor away from the flat. Looking back would be too painful.

”Hey Reg,” salazar that nickname was so painful, he turned around to face his brother, “stay alive, yeah?”

He hummed instead, knowing it was a promise he couldn’t make before turning back around and vanishing with a crack of apparition, not even bothering to find a dark corner out of muggle view. But not before a single tear slid over his porcelain cheeks.

 

 

 

-

 

 

the letter

 

Dear Sirius,

My brother, if you’re reading this it means I have reached my end and will be facing my death very soon. I am doing this in hopes that it brings Voldemort’s defeat.

You see he’s been messing around with a rare bit of dark magic called horcruxes. They’re nasty little things, you might have heard of them from Grandfather, but even the darkest families tend to keep their children away from horcruxes. It means he is immortal and cannot be killed until his horcrux- part of his soul- is destroyed.

That is what I aim to do.

Don’t worry I won’t be alone, Kreacher will be with me. I have left a note for Voldemort himself in a rash bit of bravery I had, taunting him. I am named after the lion’s constellation after all.

I love you Sirius. You were always my brother, even if I wasn’t yours. And I understand if you can never forgive me. Just know I will be waiting in the afterlife for you with open arms. Don’t come to quickly of course. You deserve to be happy on earth for a great deal longer.

Love,

Your Reggie.

Notes:

feedback is appreciated!! :) i hope you liked it

check out my jegulus story that is currently in the works!