Chapter Text
'How the fuck did it come to this?' Wei Wuxian screamed to himself as he watched the entire cultivation world bow to him, him. The Yiling Patriarch and now Chief Cultivator?
Who thought this was a good idea again?
Oh right, the over-eager smiles of the various Lan, Nie, Jin, and Jiang juniors grinning in their various positions in Koi Tower’s borrowed banquet hall. Wei Wuxian remained a fool to the whims of clever children. That's why he sat draped in heavy robes of ebony and scarlet watching a white-faced Sect Leader Yao pledge fealty to the Yiling Patriarch with gritted teeth. Though entirely entertaining, Wei Wuxian could feel the obstinacy bleeding from every word. This was shaping up to be an absolute nightmare.
He offered a bland, if shaky, smile at the conclusion. "This Chief Cultivator accepts Sect Leader Yao's oath."
Wei Wuxian rose to his feet. Sect Leader Yao had gone last, a clear attempt at holding out for a dissenting voice. Wei Wuxian did not know whether to laugh or cry as one could not be found. He folded his arms behind his back, mindful of the robes worth more than his life. Jin Ling had unfortunately developed his father's taste for gold embroidery. Though the swirl of clouds above a great beast lounging within a sea of lotuses and gentians stirred Wei Wuxian's chest more than he wanted to admit. Some things were better left unsaid......
Unlike his welcoming speech.
Eh, fuck it. Speeches were never really his thing anyways.
"I appreciate the vows of loyalty that have been made here but let's not kid ourselves." Wei Wuxian shrugged off his outer robe, thrusting it onto a scandalized servant. He flung himself into a sprawl on the chair. Oh look, he could see violet sparks flying into the air. Wouldn't be the first time he pissed Jiang Cheng off by telling the truth. "Half of you are plotting to kill me and the other half won't listen to a damn thing I say. You are welcome to try it. Just do it where the servants won't have to clean it up. They have to deal with enough as is."
The stunned silence felt nostalgic, a return to the exhausted horror of the Sunshot Campaign. Wei Wuxian gestured to a rather miffed A-Lu, his new maidservant, and she glided forwards with a jar of wine. He picked it up with a grateful nod before saluting the assembly.
"To my new, if short-lived, reign as Chief Cultivator. Honestly, I'll be entirely surprised if I survive beyond the first few weeks. Let's see how much work will be achieved."
He carelessly popped off the lid and took a deep draught. Of course, he wasn't stupid enough to get drunk at his own coronation ceremony (he was only passively hoping for death after all) but he did enjoy seeing the look of disgust on Sect Leader Ouyang's face as Wei Wuxian guzzled watered down Lanling swill.
The others awkwardly drank to his strange toast with wine and tea, many disciples' exuberance tempered with confusion at the morose atmosphere. Unable to see so many sad young faces, Wei Wuxian clapped his hands together.
"And now we feast!"
At that moment, dozens of servants spilled forth, laden with all manner of dishes. Wei Wuxian had spoken his piece. So he enjoyed the dishes in front of him with nary a glance at the crowded hall.
But in doing so, he missed the concerned and calculating gaze of gold, amber, sapphire, and verdigris following his every move.
~
"It seems the robes were not enough."
"He's always been a complete idiot."
"Perhaps our endeavors need to become more pointed."
"If Wei Ying won't keep himself safe, we must take responsibility."
".... That's the most words I've ever heard you say at once."
".......Mn."
" And there we go, back to nothing."
"Arguing will not help Wei-gongzi."
"Then what is going to help him?!"
"Perhaps what we need is not a needle, but a hammer."
A slow, sweet smile appears, sending chills down the spine of the other conspirators.
"Tell me, what have you three planned for your marriages?"
~
The cultivation world awoke into unprecedented chaos the next morning. Sect Leader Lan, Hanguang-Jun, Sect Leader Jiang, and Sect Leader Nie all announced their simultaneous engagement to His Excellency Wei Wuxian. His Excellency choked on his red congee upon hearing the news, ruining his lotus-patterned sleeping robe.
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