Chapter Text
SATURDAY, 4:33 PM
“How dare you?!” Kaminari yelled, tears in his eyes as he pushed Shinso away, still cradling his dead child to his chest. . “I loved you!” Everyone went shock-still around him and Aoyama fell off the couch, audibly saying “ Le gasp~ ”
“Toshi,” Todoroki said gently, placing a hand on Shinso’s shoulder. Everyone inhaled collectively at the soft nickname. “Leave him-- he’s not worth it.”
Shinso turned and smiled softly at Todoroki. “I know, you’ll always be my one and only, Sho.”
Kaminari broke.
And so did Aizawa, banging his head against the wall, paying no mind to Mic and Nemuri laughing their heads off in the corner of the classroom. This is the end, he told himself. I am deceased.
spongebob timecard: two days earlier
DAY ONE: THURSDAY, 2:45 PM
“There’s a new assignment today,” Aizawa said. He beckoned to Iida and handed him a stack of papers to pass out to the rest of the class.
His students looked up excitedly, already starting to ask questions. Aizawa held up a hand to silence them and sighed, fighting back the urge to curl up in his sleeping bag for the rest of eternity. He was going to kill Midnight the next time he saw her (it’s what she deserves).
“You’re going to be taking care of…” he cringed and finally managed to force the words out, “babies.”
Amidst the ensuing chaos, Iida waved a frantic hand.
“Aizawa-sensei!” he shouted. “Would it not be dangerous to leave living human beings in our care? Heroics students are known to be incredibly reckless! What if harm should come to the babies while we are training? This would certainly reflect badly on UA!”
Aizawa sighed again. “The babies are robotic models. UA knew the danger of placing actual babies in the care of children—” he pointedly ignored his students’ indignant gasps “--and so the administration took the necessary precautions.” He pointed to the sheets of paper on their desks. “All the details are there. You’ll find out your assigned partners when I pass out the babies.”
“What if we don’t like our partner?” Ashido asked, wrinkling her nose at an offended Kaminari. “Sorry bro, you would definitely kill the baby.”
“I would not ,” Kaminari hissed indignantly.
“I recommend that you refrain from making any complaints,” Aizawa interrupted. “Unless you personally want to take it up with Principal Nedzu.” The fear in their eyes was almost enough to make him smile, had he himself not been equally terrified of his boss.
“Anyway, I’ll continue if there are no further questions,” Aizawa said, turning away from the class and bending over a bin on the floor. He gathered a bundle of mysterious lumps in his arms and glanced at the roster. “Alright, heads up.”
Nobody was able to figure out who he was talking to before a yellow lump went flying into the air, smacking poor Sato in the face.
“Step 1,” Aizawa said. “Pay attention.”
Sato sat up, looking guilty and rubbing his nose before picking up the limp bundle on his desk, squinting at it. It was completely wrapped, like a rip-off McDonald’s burrito that had been sitting in the refrigerator for long past its expiration date (even though McDonald’s expiration dates don’t really exist), giving no clue as to what the baby inside looked like. “Yo, Sero!” He said, turning around in his chair. “We’re dads!” Sero, who looked high out of his mind, threw up celebratory gang symbols in response.
“Please refrain from celebrating the births of your little monsters while I’m still passing them out,” Aizawa said in a deadpan that would seem to suggest he hadn’t adopted around 21 “little monsters” himself.
He sighed and looked back at the roster before flinging another baby towards the bewildered students. Jirou and Momo glanced fearfully at each other as it hurtled towards them. After a moment’s hesitation, they both rushed towards the infantile projectile and dove to catch it. Instead, they collided head first.
Aizawa only rubbed his eyes in irritation. “Step 2,” he grumbled, shooting them an annoyed look. “Don’t rely on your partner.”
Momo’s eyes widened in embarrassment as she scooped up the bundle from the floor and hurried back to her desk.
“ It’s raining men, ” Ashido hummed under her breath.
“ Hallelujah, it’s raining men ,” Kaminari sang back, dodging Aizawa’s glare.
“This is not a joke,” he said sternly, flipping a sheet on the roster. “This project is worth 60% of your Sex Ed. grade. Failing this means you would have to retake the class.”
“Oh no,” Midoriya mumbled, slipping down in his chair as he recalled the torturous afternoon sessions trapped in a room with an overenthusiastic Midnight as she answered far too many of Kaminari’s ungodly questions.
“So it would be in your best interest to take this seriously,” Aizawa continued, reeling back to launch another bundle. “Hagakure, you better have your eyes up here.”
The yellow sack sailed towards the invisible girl’s desk, only to hit the door with a painful noise. “Rest in peace, sweet summer child,” Kaminari said, doing a hasty Catholic cross despite not even being Catholic.
Asui raised her arm, admittedly a little belatedly. “Aizawa-sensei,” she croaked. “Hagakure’s not here today.”
Aizawa stared at the empty desk and the baby bundle which was hanging onto a corner of it, moments away from hitting the floor. “Ojiro, that’s your child too. Step 3, please be a present parent,” he said before turning away, shaking his head in obvious disappointment. “Another one bites the dust.”
Shinso tried not to choke on his granola bar (which he was definitely not supposed to be eating, but he failed rather miserably, leading to Midoriya jumping out of his chair to do a half-Heimlich on him. “Oh for fuck’s sake,” Bakugo snarled. “Let stupid eyebags choke.”
“They’re not stupid eyebags,” Shinso snarled, still coughing up granola. “They’re designer .”
Aoyama perked up from across the room. “Mine are Gucci!” he added, very unhelpfully.
“And mine are Prada,” Aizawa sighed before promptly moving on. “But you don’t see me bragging bout ‘em.” This time, two bundles went flying unceremoniously, both nearly hitting Asui in the head before she managed to grab one with her tongue and the other with one hand. She looked at both of them for a moment, noticing her and Tokoyami’s name written across both.
“Sensei,” She said around her flopping tongue. “I think there’s been a mistake.”
Aizawa raised an eyebrow. “Looking at the state of this room, I think there’s been multiple, but continue.”
Asui held up the bundles. “Tokoyami and I seem to have two.”
“And?”
“Are we supposed to?”
“Don’t ask me, I’m not the one who made twins as a teenager.”
Tokoyami straightened up in the back of the room. “How is it fair that we have two
babies when the others have one, Sensei?”
Aizawa shrugged. “Shoulda thought of that before you made these little nightmares,” he sighed. “Life isn’t fair.”
“Is Sensei high?” Kaminari asked, leaning back towards Sero.
Sero squinted. “Nah,” he said. “I would know. He’s on some good kush though. Gotta get ‘im to set me up with some,” he drawled in a Texan accent for no goddamn reason.
Aizawa, levelling a glare at Sero but not adding to the conversation he had doubtlessly heard, turned to reach back into the bucket, tossing a massive bundle at Ashido, who reached up and grabbed it (being one of the few “parents” in the class to accomplish not immediately giving their child trauma to the head).
“Oh. My. God,” she said under her breath, reading the tag on the yellow fabric. “Eijiro, we--”
“Oh my god, babe!” Kirishima said, getting up and grabbing Ashido by the waist. “We-- we had a baby?!”
“I can’t believe it,” Ashido sighed, dark eyes filling with tears as she reached up towards her boyfriend’s face. “I’ve never been happier.”
“You guys better stop soon,” Shinso said, flicking a pencil across his desk. “Or you’re about to make another one.”
“Don’t be so hypocritical,” Aizawa said, raising an eye at the purple-haired boy. “You’re about to make a loud, fussy mistake too.” And with that stunning prelude, he launched a baby towards Shinso, who watched it flop to the ground apathetically.
“That mine?” he asked, lazily raising a brow.
“I would assume so,” Aizawa said in response. “Though you can always ask Kaminari if he’s okay with a paternity test.”
Shinso turned to stare at his partner, looking unimpressed when Kaminari shot him an enthusiastic thumbs up. “This child is going to die,” he groaned. Ashido nodded in grim agreement.
“Step 4,” Aizawa said in a deadpan. “Please don’t assume your child’s ensured mortality as of yet. No one likes to make unnecessary funeral arrangements.”
“I can do the eulogy,” Sero said, turning around to look Shinso in the eye. “I’m so sorry for your loss, bro.”
Kaminari agreed, nodding solemnly. “My condolences.”
“It’s our child, you idiot!” Shinso exclaimed, holding the baby like a football and gearing up to launch it at Kaminari’s face.
Before he could, Aizawa’s monotonous voice stopped him. “Step 5. Please refrain from throwing the babies, if at all possible. It’s terribly messy to clean up.”
“Like father, like son,” Shinso mumbled under his breath.
Aizawa barely spared him a glare before chucking another baby at Shoji, who easily caught the unidentified flying chunk (or, UFC, for short. This is an entirely new term unknown to man because, unfortunately, it was nearly witching hour and the authors, sleep deprived and delirious, ran out of words to replace “bundle”) with one of his many arms. He looked down at it, the UFC looking awfully small beside his large frame. “Koda,” he said simply. Koda gave him a nervous nod and half a smile.
Before anyone could prepare themselves, another two bundles came sWOOshing through the air smacking a sleepy Todoroki straight in the face. Aoyama screeched, despite not even being close to the crime scene.
“Congrats,” Aizawa said. “You and Aoyama had twins.”
“ Mes bébés, ” Aoyama cooed immediately, wiping tears from his eyes.
Todoroki thought back to one of the children’s films Midoriya had shown him in an effort to make him more “cultured,” whatever that meant. Imitating the hyper, blue, amnesiac fish from his new favorite movie, Todoroki raised a fin(ger) and smiled. “And I shall name him Todo,” he said, pointing to one bundle, “and Roki. And they shall be my little squishies.”
“What a fucking narcissist,” Bakugo grumbled, obviously in a bad mood given the events of baby diffusion that had been occurring.
“Look who’s talking,” Shinso mumbled.
“You want to say that to my face, designer eye bags?!” Bakugo hissed, getting up and kicking his chair back.
“Please, no,” Shinso deadpanned. “I have a family.”
Kaminari nodded tearfully in the background. “Spare him, Bakubro. Please.”
“How manly,” Kirishima called from the background.
“Alright, final stretch,” Aizawa said, flexing his back muscles. “Get ready.” He reached down behind the desk (where was he pulling all these synthetic children from? A bottomless baby bucket (like KFC, the authors theorized? Who knew)(for legal purposes, DISCLAIMER: the authors, in no way, are insinuating, that KFC serves babies in their bottomless buckets of fried chicken)) and pulled up two bundles, one in each hand. With a startlingly terrifying grin on his face, he gracefully yeeted them towards a panicking Midoriya and snarking Bakugo.
“I’m with Deku? ” Bakugo groaned, catching the baby and slumping into his seat. “For fuck’s sake!” He looked over at his partner. “And there’s two ?!”
“Oh, with that attitude,” Aizawa began, shaking his head. “There may be more.” He reached back in the bucket only to wind up and chuck another baby at Bakugo, prompting Ashido to start singing “ it’s raining men, ” under her breath again.
“NO!” Bakugo yelled, holding a baby in each hand with gritted teeth. “I’M NOT GOING TO HAVE THREE LITTLE BRATS!”
“Kacchan,” Midoriya began, only to be interrupted.
“No, Bakugo,” Aizawa said, smile ever-present. “You’re not going to have just three little brats.” With barely any more prelude another one came flying at Bakugo, smacking him in the nose.
“What kind of fuckery --”
“You better stop while you’re ahead,” Aizawa warned as another baby went flying at Midoriya.
“Bakubro, what a champ,” Kaminari said, crossing his arms.
“Yeah man,” Sero nodded. “You really got busy.”
“IF YOU EXTRAS DON’T SHUT THE FUCK UP--”
“Think of this as a baby swear jar,” Aizawa said, calmly throwing another child at poor Midoriya, who was struggling to hold all of them. “If you calm down, you stop getting more. Funny how that works the same in real life.” He turned to glance at everyone else. “Step 6, control your hormones, kids.”
“I’m not going to fucking calm down when you’re making this into literally fucking baby shower --”
“--more like a baby thunderstorm,” Shinso snickered.
Aizawa just smiled and threateningly wiggled another baby in their direction. “And I’m not going to run out of babies,” he assured them.
“How the fuck is this fair at all?!” Bakugo yelled, apparently still not learning his lesson.
“Kacchan, please ,” Midoriya began, scrambling as he was pelted with another projectile baby.
Aizawa frowned. “Apparently you weren’t listening when I told Asui and Tokoyami that life isn’t fair. That’s another baby for you.” Midoriya rushed to catch the next one, performing an astounding balancing act.
“Big Bird and Crazy Frog have two, we have a fuckton !”
Another child hit poor Midoriya in the stomach. “Poor Midoriya,” Shinso sighed, forlornly leaning a cheek on his hand as he looked on. “You’re putting him through so much.”
“If you hate kids that much, just keep your hands off of Midoriya, Bakubro. It’s easy,” Kaminari said matter-of-factly.
“Don’t have kids,” Todoroki echoed, ever the advocate for not procreating.
“Poor Midobro,” Kirishima sighed. “It’s so unmanly of you to force him to have so many children, Bakugo.”
“Who’s forcing who?!”
“Well, you’re certainly the reason he’s covered in babies right now,” Uraraka pointed out unhelpfully, looking angry on behalf of poor Midoriya.
Shinso collapsed against the back of his chair dramatically, the baby bundle still in his arms. “Barefoot and pregnant in this day and age! Where is the justice ?”
“Uh, guys?” Midoriya gave a pained smile. “You can stop now.”
Shinso turned to him, eyes wide. “Say that to Bakugo, Midoriya!”
Before Bakugo could murder anyone in the vicinty, Aizawa cleared his throat, grin now gone from his face. “It’s important to remember,” he warned. “that it isn’t just Bakugo and Deku who are immune to impromptu children. Iida and Uraraka—” he gestured for them to approach his desk.
The class collectively held their breath while the pair approached, expecting the worst as Aizawa’s face grew even more serious. When the pair reached his desk, trembling in anticipation, his face softened a fraction and he held out a neatly wrapped bundle. If they looked closely, they could see cute cat stickers placed carefully on the yellow cloth. Uraraka froze, and Iida moved protectively in front of her.
“Sensei,” he breathed, voice quivering (pulsating? Joni please no) in barely concealed fear. “What… what is the meaning of this?”
Aizawa pushed the bundle into Uraraka’s arms. “You’re parents now,” he said, the corners of his mouth turning upwards in a slight smile. Still shaking in confusion, the pair stumbled back to their desks.
“Alright, class,” Aizawa said, straightening up, paying no attention to the stunned looks of the other kids still in awe of Iida and Urarararararaka’s beautiful baby deliverance. “That’s all we have for now. Many mistakes were made here today,” he said, eyeing fuming Bakugo and exasperated Midoriya surrounded by his cohort of yellow bundles in various shapes and sizes. “I pray that none of you will continue to make mistakes in the future,” he said, nodding in Bakugo’s direction. “If not for your sake, just remember the toll that pregnancy takes on your partner’s body.”
Midoriya threw up his hands. “Why does it always come back to that!”
“The rubrics that Midnight put together are in the bundles,” Aizawa continued. “Now please, get out.” Everyone began to pack up, gathering their belongings and gravitating towards their new partners, half of them truly looking as shy as newlyweds in this situation.
Aizawa turned to grab his sleeping bag, only to suddenly find a small hand tugging at his fingers. “‘Zawa,” an equally small voice called. He looked down, meeting the wide eyes of a familiar face.
“What are you doing here, Eri?” he asked gently, bending down to her height.
“Can I have a…” she hesitated, searching for the right word, “baby, too?”
“A baby,” Aizawa said slowly. “Why?”
Eri smiled. “Because I want to be a ‘Zawa too!!”
Aizawa reached down to pick Eri up, wondering if cuteness could cause heart failure. “You want to be a mommy, Eri?”
Eri shook her head. “I want to be a ‘Zawa!!”
Against his will, Aizawa’s face softened into a smile and he was eternally grateful that Mic wasn’t there to see.
“What’s a ‘Zawa then?” he asked.
Eri tilted her head back, pondering the question. “Well, Robin has a mommy and a daddy and Daito has a mommy and a daddy but I have a ‘Zawa,” she said. “So I want to be a ‘Zawa.”
“Aizawa’s my name, silly,” the older man said, bending down and picking up his bag with his free arm. “And now it’s your name too.”
“ I’m ‘zawa?!” Eri asked, smiling as if Christmas had come early.
“Mhmm,” Aizawa hummed, pushing his chair into his desk. “Eri Aizawa.”
“If I’m ‘Zawa then how can you be ‘Zawa,” Eri mumbled, pouting. “Big confusion.”
“There’s only two of us,” Aizawa said. “It won’t be confusing.”
“Yes it will!!” Eri insisted, grabbing onto Aizawa’s scarf. “Oh, I know!”
“Know what?”
“Can you be daddy?”
Aizawa froze, and he stared at Eri, eyes wider than she’d ever seen them. “Me…?” he started, trying to speak but finding his mouth completely unresponsive.
“Shhh,” Eri said, pushing her hands onto his face. “Your eyes are going to fall out.”
He closed his eyes at her warning and took a deep breath, forcing his tongue to move. His heart was about to beat out of his chest. “Sure.”
“Okay, daddy,” Eri chirped, apparently completely oblivious to how two syllables were taking out a grownass man.
Kouta waltzed into the room. “I wanna be the daddy to our baby then!” he declared with all the confidence in the world. “I’ll be the best daddy there is!”
Aizawa nearly swore, whipping around to see the little gremlin at the doorway. “What-- Kouta ? What are you doing here?”
“Kouta-chan!” Eri exclaimed, pulling on Aizawa’s scarf so she would let her down. When he held her tighter, she pouted. “Kouta-chan and I are going to have a baby!”
“What the--” Aizawa looked at her in shock. “Ex cuse me?”
“What,” Eri asked, cocking her head. “Everyone needs a mommy and a daddy.”
“ You don’t have a mommy!” Aizawa exclaimed, apparently ready to pull out all the stops to prevent Kouta and Eri from becoming parents.
Eri wrinkled her nose. “Don’t say that! Yamama will be so sad.”
“ Who?”
It was at that exact moment that the aforementioned “Yamama” strutted in, looking for all the world like the beautiful cockatoo he thought himself to be.
“Yamama!!!” Eri yelled, making grabby hands at him.
“My lil Eri-chan!!” Present Mic yelled in response, running towards her like he was auditioning for Gone With the Wind.
This time Aizawa nearly dropped Eri. Instead he managed to set her down gently and looked up with a slowly widening smile. “ Yamama ,” he said, voice a little too calm and collected for the situation. “Let’s have a little talk, shall we?”
Eri, as soon as she was freed from her prison, took off towards Kouta, eyes sparkling. “Let’s run away together, Kouta-chan!!”
“Let’s run away and get married!”
“And have the baby!”
Before Aizawa could grab Eri and lock her up somewhere that little demon-child would never be able to see her again, she was gone. Mic laid a hand on his shoulder, wiping away a tear. “They grow up so fast, Sho.”
Aizawa shrugged the hand off. “ Yamama ?!” he hissed. “Why are you her self-designated mother? Did you teach her that name?”
Mic pouted. “How dare you suspect me of such a heinous crime!” he shrieked. Aizawa only barely managed to cancel his quirk before the room could collapse. Mic smiled, oblivious. “Toshinori did!!”
Aizawa pushed past him, a man intent on murder.