Work Text:
The silence of the station was eerie at night, even in the early evening, but the last thing Buck wanted was for the team to get back to find him listening to music instead of paying attention and keeping watch over the station. He was already on shaky ground with them. Releasing a heavy sigh, he leaned against the mop handle and stretched out his neck muscles. He was exhausted, but not so much physically anymore. He’d been training, working out, and continuing with at home physical therapy exercises. On top of that, he’d been the man behind since he started back at the 118. He had enough pent up energy to power Los Angeles for a week and no way to spend it in a productive way.
No, his particular breed of exhaustion was emotional, born of sorrow and frustration. Most of the people at the station were starting to warm back up to him, and by that he meant the glares and mocking that had been thrown his way since returning had turned into silence and avoidance. Although he was never exclusively told not to join the family dinners, he hadn’t felt welcome at the table since he’d gotten back. Hen and Chim had tried to include him at first, but they were the only ones who seemed to want him around, and Buck hadn’t wanted to ruin family dinner for everyone else with his presence. So he would skip meals in favor of doing any of the many chores he’d been piled with, then make a sandwich or something while the rest of them were out on a call.
Bobby was clearly still upset with him. He wasn’t being outright mean or cruel, he was distant. Buck wasn’t allowed on calls, he had been given pretty much everyone’s least favorite chores, and for the most part, the Captain only seemed to want to speak to Buck if it was necessary for the job. Otherwise, Bobby rarely said more than a “hello” or “goodnight” to Buck, if that. He knew that Bobby wasn’t his dad, of course he knew that, but Bobby had been acting more like Buck’s actual father than the warm, welcoming Captain he’d come to love and look up to. It was breaking Buck’s heart, but he didn’t bring it up. He kept his head down, spoke only when spoken to, and did what he was told. Just like his father had taught him to do. Only this time, he was trying to avoid a pink slip rather than a fist.
The rotten cherry on the shit sundae that his life had become was that Eddie still wasn’t talking to him, and that hurt worse than everything else put together. It had started with glares and snide remarks, but over the last few days Eddie hadn’t so much as looked in his direction. The one time Buck had timidly asked Eddie how Christopher was doing, the only answer he got was the word “fine” spat at him before Eddie walked away.
He’d never meant to hurt any of them, least of all Eddie or Christopher. Buck had been unfairly treated, and all he’d wanted was to get back to his family. Why didn’t they see that? Going about it the way he had was a mistake, sure, but why couldn’t they see his good intentions? And now Buck felt like a ghost haunting the station, watching his family move on and live their lives without him.
Dunking the mop head back into the bucket with a mild sploosh, he pushed the rolling bucket toward the open bay doors. The cool October breeze rushed past him as Buck stepped outside, pushing the bucket out into the parking lot and dumping it out. The murky water rushed away like a tiny tsunami, washing away leaves that had fallen onto the concrete just like the wave that had almost washed Christopher away. He shook his head as a chill crept up his neck at the memory, closing his eyes and trying to force the dark thoughts from his mind before he succumbed to them. He refused to be triggered by mop water of all things.
The press of cold steel to the back of his head had Buck’s eyes snapping open, his entire body going rigid and perfectly still. Hot, nasty breath puffed against the side of his face, churning his stomach and making him grimace in disgust as a voice rasped near his ear.
“Take me to the pain meds.”
Buck swallowed, hands shaking as he raised them in surrender, letting the mop handle clack against the concrete. “We don’t keep the pain meds here in the station, man. They’re stored at the hospital and we restock the ambulance when we drop off patients. As you can clearly see, the ambulances are out right now, and they’ll probably be gone a while. The call was a pretty big fire, those take a long time to handle. You’ll be waiting a while.” Truth be told, he couldn’t remember what the dispatcher had said the call was, having tuned it out since he wasn’t going along.
“You’re LYING,” the man snapped, gripping Buck’s shoulder and pressing the gun harder into his head. “Take off your radio and drop it.”
Despite the sardonic remark sitting on the tip of his tongue, Buck kept his mouth shut. Slowly, he unclipped the mic from his shoulder, then took off the walkie that hung by his hip. The shallow puddle of mop water splashed when the radio hit the ground, making Buck wince. Those radios were expensive. Bobby was probably going to take it out of his paycheck.
“Now take me to the meds!”
Buck winced as the man’s sharp nails dug into his shoulder. The man shoved him toward the station, and Buck stumbled to keep up with his quick pace. He could feel the tremor in the man’s hand as it gripped him, and Buck knew he must be high or coming down from something. That meant that he wasn’t going to listen to reason, and that he could be set off by just about anything. Unsure of what else he could do, Buck did as he was told, heading toward the supply closet. He just hoped that once the man saw the lack of drugs in their stock, he would understand and leave.
With his luck, though… Buck doubted that it would wrap up that nicely. “I swear, we don’t have whatever you’re looking for.”
“Shut up,” the man hissed, shoving him forward.
The entire way to the supply closet, Buck’s eyes searched for something he could use to defend himself or some way out of his situation. When the guy finally realized Buck was telling the truth, there was a very real possibility he was going to be angry enough to kill him. He needed to be ready.
“What happens to me once I prove to you we don’t have pain meds here?”
“You better hope you find some.”
A chill ran down Buck’s spine as the pressure built behind his eyes. He genuinely wondered if the team would even care if they came back to find him dead. Most of them would probably just be annoyed over having to clean up the blood and brain matter themselves, instead of having Buck around to dump the task onto. He supposed the silver lining was that, since Eddie hated him, Buck’s death wouldn’t hurt him. Not the way losing Shannon had hurt him. Eddie probably wouldn’t mourn Buck at all. Shannon was the mother of Eddie’s child. Buck… Buck was nothing to Eddie anymore.
They finally reached the supply closet, Buck’s heart pounding against his ribs. There was a very good chance that the supply closet would be where he’d take his last breath. Alone. The pressure that had been building finally broke free as he opened the door, flipping on the light. The room was longer than it was wide, with tall metal shelving units lined up in two rows. Bandages, antiseptic, boxes of gloves. They had everything needed for a well stocked ambulance, except for the medication the man was looking for.
“Get my shit,” the man growled. He shut the door behind them, eyes darting around the room nervously as he kept his gun trained on Buck.
“It’s not here!” Buck snapped, turning to face the man and gesturing toward the shelves. He was so tired, so deeply exhausted, that a small part of Buck almost hoped the guy would put him out of his misery. “I can’t just pull it out of my ass!”
The man’s eyes flashed with anger.
Careful what you wish for.
When the butt of his gun made contact with the side of Buck’s head, it was with enough force to send the firefighter into the shelving unit beside him. Boxes and bags were violently knocked down when Buck’s hip and ribs hit with the edges of the metal shelves. The pain that exploded through his right side had him gasping for breath as he grabbed onto the shelves to try and keep himself standing. This proved to be quite a challenge as the room spun and swayed. Perhaps squeezing his eyes shut wasn’t the best idea, because he didn’t even know the man was behind him until a boot slammed into the back of his left knee. Buck hit the floor, barely able to catch himself on his hands enough to keep his face from hitting the concrete. His side was throbbing in time with his heartbeat. Painful spasms shot through his left leg from the knee down, whiting out the edges of Buck’s vision.
Crouching down beside him, the man grabbed a fistful of Buck’s short hair and yanked his head back. Despite the tears rolling down his face, Buck looked at the man with a heated glare, even as the gun was pressed hard into the bleeding gash on the side of Buck’s head.
Leaning down too close to Buck’s face, the man hissed out his words. “I’ll give you one more minute to find it, or I’m gonna blow your brains out.”
He could just give up. It would be so easy. All he had to do was say the right thing, and he’d get a bullet to the head. A quick death. What even was the point anymore? Without his job, he had no purpose. Without his family, he had nothing.
He was so tired.
The familiar rumble of an engine filled the station, Buck’s heart dropped into his stomach.
The team had returned.
The man let go of Buck’s hair with a rough shove as he stood, his attention now on the sounds coming from out in the bay. He was at the door in two strides, pushing it open just enough to peek without being seen.
It didn’t matter to him anymore whether or not died. Buck had faced death so many times that he no longer feared his own. But whether or not his team, his family, died? That did matter to him. It mattered a lot. Because Buck never stopped loving them. Not for a second.
The man held the gun by his side, grip loose. He was distracted by watching through the crack in the door. Buck saw that as the opportunity it was, and he took it. His leg and ribs protested loudly as he pushed himself back up onto his feet. Even as a wave of dizziness crashed over him, threatening to pull him into the darkness, he pushed on. Eyes fixed on the gun, Buck moved as quickly but quietly as he possibly could.
Just as the man shut the door, Buck lunged at him.
…
Chim glanced around the quiet station, brow furrowed in concern. “Where’s Buck?”
Eddie’s chest ached at the mere mention of the man, sadness and anger twisting together. Anger was so much easier to deal with, so he latched onto it. “Don’t care.”
“The mop bucket is still outside,” Hen told them, confusion and worry in her eyes as she held up a dripping wet radio. “And I found this next to it.”
The only thing that pissed Eddie off more than the lawsuit was the fact that he couldn’t make himself stop caring about Buck. Something was wrong. He wanted to believe Buck could be so careless about his radio, that Buck had gotten fed up and walked out. But Eddie knew Buck. He knew that, even with his anger threatening to boil over, Buck would never walk out without notice. And he may have stolen a ladder truck a couple times before Eddie knew him, but Buck would never intentionally damage equipment. Eddie was about to say as much, but he didn’t get the chance.
The unmistakable crack of a gunshot rang through the air, clearly coming from somewhere inside the station. Across the bay Eddie met Bobby’s wide eyes, and neither of them had to say a word to know what the other was thinking.
Buck.
Eddie’s heart sank.
As everyone else ran for cover behind the trucks or through the open bay doors, Eddie took off in a sprint toward where the sound had come from. A thousand different scenarios ran through Eddie’s mind in the span of a second, each one worse than the last, and each one making him regret holding onto his anger.
When the door to the supply closet burst open, Eddie skidded to a stop only feet away from them, his blood turning ice cold in his veins. A tall, wild eyed man had an arm wrapped around Buck’s neck and a gun pressed to the side of his head, right above a gash that had a steady stream of blood flowing down the side of his face. Buck was grimacing in pain, one hand gripping the gunman’s arm and trying to keep him from squeezing his neck too tight. The other hand was pressed to his side, blood seeping out between his fingers. Eddie felt sick.
Even the air in the station stood still as the gunman glanced around, seething, looking one wrong word away from putting a bullet in Buck’s head.
“I want whatever pain meds you’ve got in your ambulances. Morphine, valium, whatever the fuck you’ve got. Then, I’m going to get the fuck out of here. If i see any of you even reach for your little radios, I’m spraying this asshole’s brains across the fucking room. If you all play nice and do as I say, your boy here gets to keep breathing.”
“Hen, Chim, get what he asked for,” Bobby ordered, his voice steady and placating. “We’re getting you what you want, sir. Just let the kid go.”
“No way. He’s my ticket out of here.” The man tightened his hold on Buck’s neck, and the strangled whimper that escaped him stabbed directly into Eddie’s heart.
“Take me instead.”
Eddie spoke without thinking, but he didn’t regret his words once they were out of his mouth. What he did regret was all of his actions that had led to the shock and confusion on Buck’s face at his offer. He had seriously fucked up if Buck was surprised that Eddie would do anything to save him.
“He’s hurt. He’ll slow you down,” Eddie reasoned, desperate to get Buck away from the man before he bled out. His eyes were already starting to droop, and Eddie was terrified.
“He’s hurt. He won’t fight back. Now back the fuck up, lover boy. Everyone else, get over there!” the man shouted, nodding his head to indicate the side of the bay where the turnout gear hung.
As everyone moved where they were told, Eddie stood his ground, eyes locked on Buck. Eddie’s entire body was tense, like a coil wound too tightly that was ready to spring into action at the first opportunity. The man moved toward the bay doors, keeping Buck in front of him like a human shield, and Eddie started to follow. Buck stumbled along with him, clearly having trouble staying on his feet. Now most of Buck’s hand was covered in red as it pressed into his side, a dark stain slowly spreading down his shirt and pant leg. If he didn’t get help soon, Buck was going to go into shock from blood loss. He looked way too pale already, and he was clearly struggling to keep his eyes focused, but he kept them locked on Eddie’s.
Chim and Hen each jumped out of one of the ambulances, a few small boxes in their hands and glares fixed on the man who had their friend.
“Okay. One of you, bring the boxes to me. You,” the man grunted, nudging Buck with the barrel of the gun to get his attention. “Take the boxes.”
Hen and Chimney were looking at each other, silently discussing who should take the boxes, until Bobby came up beside them and held out his hands. “I’ll take them.”
“Whatever, just get them over here!” the man shouted, making Buck wince at the volume.
Bobby approached slowly, one hand holding the boxes and the other held up in a placating gesture. Buck’s hand visibly trembled as he let go of the man’s arm and reached out to take the boxes. His eyes were barely half open as he stared at Bobby.
As Eddie inched closer, he could see the soft smile that tugged at Bobby’s lips, as well as the reason for it. “You’re gonna be alright, kid.”
“Drop your weapon.”
Relief had flooded Eddie’s chest the second he’d seen Athena creeping up behind them, gun trained on the man holding Buck. As she pressed the barrel to the back of the man’s head, a dangerous look in her eye, the man stiffened up.
“Let him go,” she all but growled, eyes glinting like a bear defending her cub. “Now.”
Slowly, the man raised his gun away from Buck’s head. The moment he released the chokehold, Buck’s legs gave out completely. Bobby barely caught him in time to guide him to the floor carefully.
“It’s okay. You’re okay. I’ve got you,” Bobby all but whispered as Buck sagged against him, his shoulders shaking as the younger man dissolved into breathless sobs. Bobby covered Buck’s hand with own and pressed down into the wound, his other hand cradling Buck’s head to his chest when the added pressure elicited a broken whimper.
Before he’d even realized he was moving, Eddie landed on his knees beside them. Bobby lifted Buck’s hand away from his wound so Eddie could take over applying pressure. “Why does this shit keep happening to you? You don’t…” Eddie’s already strangled voice broke. “You don’t deserve this.”
Buck’s brow furrowed as he stared at Eddie, confusion plain on his face. “Why y’cryin’?”
The mumbled words were barely audible, but to Eddie they were louder than a bomb. He hadn’t even realized he was crying until it was pointed out, and suddenly he felt the tears steadily streaming down his face. Before he could answer Buck, Chim and Hen descended on them with their gear. Eddie moved aside but stayed close, ready to assist if needed.
"Third degree abrasion, probably from the shot we heard," Hen announced grimly as she inspected the wound quickly.
“Tried... t’take tha gun,” Buck slurred, his breath hitching between whimpering sobs. “Didn't… didn't want ‘im… hurt you guys…”
Eddie felt his heart break a little more as he met Buck’s barely focused eyes. Despite everything they’d put him through, he still risked his life for them.
“You did so good,” Bobby whispered to the broken man in his arms, his voice trembling with the intensity of his emotions. Buck was fading fast. “You have to hold on, okay? You’re going to be alright. Just keep your eyes open.”
“We’ve gotta get him to the hospital,” Chim said, motioning for another medic to bring the stretcher. "He’s lost a lot of blood and it’s still coming. His BP is dropping fast."
"Stupid… thinners…" Buck mumbled breathlessly.
Seeing Buck’s eyes roll back into his head would haunt Eddie’s nightmares for the rest of his life. Alarms sounded, Hen and Chimney shouted, but it was all a blur around Eddie as he watched Buck’s chest stop moving.
…
“No, he hasn’t woken up yet.”
The voice that had pulled him from sleep was warm and comforting, and so was the hand gripping his. He knew that voice, heard it almost every day. Bobby.
“He’s going to be fine, Maddie. You don’t have to rush down here. Just take a moment to calm down. I’ll stay with him until you get here. He won’t be alone.”
The corner of his mouth twitched at that. He hated being alone.
“Okay. I’ll see you soon. Bye.”
With a little more effort than he’d anticipated, he curled his fingers around the hand holding his.
“Buck?”
It took him a moment to pry his eyes open. When he did he immediately knew where he was just by looking at the ceiling. It was a ceiling he was well acquainted with.
Shit.
Images of the night flashed through his mind, from the first press of metal to his head, to collapsing into Bobby’s arms, too weak from blood loss to hold himself up. The blood thinners had caused him to almost bleed out from a flesh wound. It was the kind of scenario Bobby had expressed concern over right after the embolism. He really was a liability.
He couldn’t stop the sob before it happened, or the tears before they began to flow. He probably wouldn’t have even if he could have, because it didn’t matter. None of it mattered. He didn’t matter. Pulling his hand from Bobby’s, he dug the heels of his palms into his eyes. The force of his sobs made his ribs ache, but he couldn’t stop.
“Hey, you’re okay. Everything’s going to be okay,” Bobby soothed, voice low and soft.
“No, it’s not,” Buck whimpered. He knew he sounded pathetic, but damn it, he felt pathetic. “You’re never going to reinstate me after this. I’m done.”
“Buck--”
“Can you please just leave?” Buck begged, dropping his hands to meet Bobby’s gaze with blurred, burning eyes. “You don’t have to be here. I’m not your problem anymore.”
If he’d been able to see more clearly, Buck would have noticed the tears in Bobby’s eyes. “I know I don’t have to be. I’m here because I want to be. I’m here because I held you while you were bleeding out. Because you stopped breathing and that scared the shit out of me. Because I needed to see with my own eyes that you were still alive.”
His lip trembling, Buck took a slow, deep breath and turned away. “I’m sorry.”
“If it hadn’t been you, it would have been someone else. This wasn’t your fault. You have nothing to be sorry for.” The Captain sighed, his voice dipping back into a soft, sad tone. “But I do. You were never my “problem,” Buck. You’re my family. I’m sorry I stopped treating you like it.”
He didn’t believe him. Loss and near losses made people try to fix things, to absolve themselves of guilt over the harm they caused. But if Bobby hadn’t felt that way after the last time Buck had almost died, then why would he feel that way after this time? But he nodded his acceptance anyway, too tired to continue. If Bobby needed to ease his guilt, Buck would play along and let him.
He glanced at Bobby for only a second before looking back down at his hands folded on his lap. “How bad?”
Bobby released a slow breath, holding up his hand to tick things off his fingers. “No concussion, but the wound on your head needed a couple stitches.”
“He pistol whipped me,” Buck supplied.
“Bruising to your ribs and hip on your right side. Thankfully, no cracks or breaks.”
“Shoved me into a shelf in the supply closet.”
“The worst thing was the third degree abrasion on your right side, just above your hip. You lost a good bit of blood.”
“I wrestled him for the gun.”
“Before you passed out, you said it was because you didn’t want him to hurt us.”
A few more tears broke free and slid down Buck’s flushed cheek. “I was afraid he was going to shoot his way out of the building.”
Of all the things Buck was expecting Bobby to say, he certainly wasn’t expecting the older man to chuckle. When Buck looked up at him in surprise, he found Bobby wiping the wetness from his eyes. Buck watched him for a moment as he collected himself, and then the Captain shook his head in disbelief.
“Even with how horribly we’ve treated you, you still almost got yourself killed trying to protect us.”
“Well, yeah,” Buck shrugged. “Just because you guys don’t love me anymore doesn’t mean I don’t love all of you.”
He wasn’t expecting the look of utter devastation that crossed Bobby’s face, and once he saw it he had to look away from its intensity. He didn’t mean to upset the older man, he was just being honest.
“Buck…” Bobby breathed, the single syllable breaking halfway out of his mouth.
“I appreciate you staying until Maddie gets here, but you really don’t have to. I’ll be in tomorrow to clear out my locker.”
“The hell you will.”
Buck startled at the harsh tone and Bobby deflated immediately. The Captain scrubbed a hand over his face, taking a deep, calming breath.
“First of all,” he started, his voice a much softer version of the one he used to command a chaotic scene. “You are not being fired for something that was not your fault. The only way you’re leaving the 118 is if you decide you want to leave. And even if you do choose that, there will always be a spot for you in my firehouse.” Bobby reached over and took one of Buck’s hands into his own again. “Secondly, the only reason I kept you benched after the embolism was because I love you. Buck, you scared the crap out of me when you threw that clot. I thought you were going to die right there in my backyard. When they put you on the blood thinners, all I could think about was this image of you getting one little cut on a call and bleeding out before you even realize you’re hurt. I can’t…” He choked on the last word. “I can’t lose you, kid. I just can’t. I love you too damn much. And I am so sorry I made you doubt that.”
When a soft sob shook Buck’s shoulders, Bobby moved to sit on the edge of the bed, pulling Buck into his arms. Buck slumped against Bobby’s sturdy chest, gripping his shirt in a silent plea for him to stay. With his head tucked under Bobby’s chin, Buck could feel the vibrations of the Captain’s voice when he spoke again.
“And besides, this happened when you were mopping the damn floor. Clearly, trouble will find you no matter where you are, so you might as well be in the field where I can keep an eye on you.”
Buck’s sobs morphed into a breathy giggle. But when a gentle kiss on the top of his head made Buck start crying again, Bobby just held him a little tighter.
…
Thankfully, he only had to stay until the blood transfusion was complete. After Buck had composed himself, Bobby slipped out to get some coffee, allowing Buck a moment to call Maddie. He told her he was fine and that she didn’t need to bother coming, but of course she’d argued.
“Evan, you were shot. ”
“Only a little!”
“A lit-- oh my god, Buck.” He could practically see her with her hand to her face in exasperation.
“It was barely more than a graze. Definitely hurts worse than a bowling ball to the face, but it’s nothing compared to being crushed under a firetruck.”
“Your pain scale is horrifying.”
It took lunch plans for the next day, and a promise to call immediately if he so much as felt lightheaded, but he finally got her to accept that he was fine.
After Bobby returned with coffee for himself and jello for Buck, they’d sat and talked until the transfusion was complete and a nurse came in with forms to sign. When it was time to go, Bobby excused himself to bring the car around while Buck got dressed. He wasn’t sure who had dropped off clean clothes for him, but regardless, he was thankful.
His head was throbbing to the rhythm of his heart, the abrasion stung every time he moved, and his ribs were aching, but all and all Buck counted himself lucky. Two weeks for the abrasion to heal and he was back on full duty. But above all, Buck was happy that his friendship with Bobby was on the mend.
A knock on the door brought Buck out of his thoughts and he grinned. “I’m dressed, Cap. You can come in.” He heard the door open as he slipped on his shoes. “Hey, who brought me the clothes?”
“I did.”
Buck froze. The fact that his best friend’s voice triggered his fight or flight response was deeply troubling, but unpacking that was going to have to wait. Buck was too tired and in too much pain. He turned to face Eddie, crossing his arms over his chest. He’d read somewhere that it was a defensive stance, and he figured that fit how he felt at the moment. He wanted to protect his heart from any further damage at the hands of the other man.
“I hope you don’t mind,” Eddie started, stepping into the room with his hands in his pockets. “But I’m your ride home.”
Buck’s brow furrowed. “Bobby’s taking me home.”
“He left.”
Well shit. He knew this would be coming, but he had hoped it would be after he’d slept for twelve hours. Heaving a sigh, he sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled out his phone. “It’s fine, I’ll just get an Uber.”
“Buck--”
Buck didn’t even look up from his phone. “I’m giving you an out here, Eddie. Just take it. I won’t tell Bobby.” He shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe he made you do this. Does he think this will make you stop hating me?”
“I asked him to let me take you home.”
Buck’s head snapped up to look at Eddie. No way. It had to be Bobby trying to get them to talk. But Eddie looked so… sad. Heartbroken. He looked as miserable as he’d made Buck feel. He sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly. He didn’t want to do this, but damn it, he needed a ride.
“I need to go by the pharmacy on the way.”
Eddie looked shocked, like he never expected this little scheme to work. “Okay. We can do that.”
“Thanks,” was all Buck said as he gathered his papers and grabbed his phone, motioning for Eddie to lead the way out.
His emotions were already scraped raw and bleeding, he might as well dump some salt on top of them.
…
They dropped off the prescription at the drive through window, then parked in the corner of the parking lot to wait. Fifteen minutes. That’s how long the pharmacist had said it would take. That’s how long he was going to be in this hell of awkward and uncomfortable silence. God, he wished he didn’t need the antibiotics so he could just go home and go to bed. He was exhausted, in pain, and jumped at every unexpected sound.
“Buck--”
“Don’t,” Buck whispered firmly, shaking his head. He knew that any attempt they made at talking things out that night would only end in an even bigger fight, and he just wasn’t up to it. “I can’t. Not now.”
Eddie didn’t say anything else, just nodded and turned back to stare out of his window. With the windows down, the sound of cars driving by became a white noise that was somewhat soothing. The silence stretched on for a few more minutes before Eddie spoke up again, voice even softer than it had been just moments ago.
“Are you hungry? I can stop somewhere for you. I don’t mind.”
Buck heaved a frustrated sigh, rubbing his index finger and thumb into his eyes. “Why are you doing this? Why are you suddenly being nice to me? Is it because I had a gun to my head earlier? Because that’s a shitty reason.”
“Yes, alright? Yes,” Eddie snapped. “Everything that happened tonight is why I’m doing this. Because seeing you with a gun to your head scared the shit out of me. And frankly, I’m ashamed that it took almost losing you, again, for me to realize what an ass I’ve been to you.”
Eddie slumped against his seat like all of his fight left him in one exhale. Glancing out the window again, he gripped the steering wheel so tight Buck worried it was going to break. Shaking his head, Buck looked back out his own window, willing the pharmacy to send him the automated text that said his meds were ready. He just wanted to go to bed.
“When I offered myself in your place, you got this look on your face.” Eddie’s voice was softer this time. “You were shocked that I would be willing to take your place, that I would do anything to save you.” If Buck had been anybody else, the waver of emotion would have gone unnoticed. “That was the moment I realized that I’ve been such an asshole that you, the person I love more than anyone aside from my kid, honestly believed I hated you.”
When Buck looked over at him, he was startled to see tears welling up in Eddie’s eyes. It was almost the same look of anguish Buck saw when he was telling Eddie Chris was missing.
Silence settled over them again, more tense than before. Buck forced himself to tear his eyes away from Eddie’s, dropping his face into his hands. He was too tired to do this. He just wanted to get his antibiotics and go home so he could sleep through his medical leave. But Eddie was there, and he was finally talking to him, saying everything Buck had ever wanted to hear from him. Only Buck didn’t want it anymore. Not like this. Not motivated by the fear of regret.
“Then why couldn’t you take a minute to try and see things from my side?” Buck snapped, turning to face Eddie again. His chest was heaving, winded by his anger and exhaustion. His ribs were screaming, his side felt like he was being stabbed, and his head was throbbing, but the worst pain by far was his broken heart. “If you love me so much, why couldn’t you understand that I just wanted to come back? To you, to the team, to my life. Why didn’t you believe that I didn’t mean to hurt you? I told the lawyer that shit to explain why I was being treated unfairly. I didn’t know he was going to use it against you like that. Why would I ever want to hurt you like that? How could you even think that I would do that on purpose? I made a mistake. People usually tend to forgive the mistakes of the people they love.”
Eddie looked absolutely wrecked as he turned away again, staring blankly at the steering wheel. Buck almost felt guilty about his outburst, but frankly, he was tired of all the bullshit. Eddie and Bobby weren’t the only ones who got a wake up call the moment a gun was pressed to his head.
“Shannon asked for a divorce just before she died.”
Of all the things Buck was expecting Eddie to say, that sentence was definitely not one of them. Taken aback by the jarring change of topic, Buck couldn’t form a coherent response before Eddie continued.
“She was leaving us. Again. When she left the first time… she didn’t even say goodbye. I woke up to a note. She didn’t answer my calls, wouldn’t respond to my texts or emails. She just… abandoned us.” Eddie’s voice broke on the last words.
Buck watched with morbid fascination as tears dripped from Eddie’s chin, but said nothing. It was rare to see Eddie cry, but even more so to hear him express his feelings. Buck was aware of how fragile that moment was, and he wasn’t going to risk breaking it.
“When Bobby told me you filed the lawsuit, and that we couldn’t contact you, it was just like finding that note. Only it was worse, because even that first time she left, I didn’t…” He finally looked up, and Buck’s heart clenched at seeing the raw, unrestrained emotion in Eddie’s eyes. “I never loved her the way I love you.”
The breath left Buck’s lungs in a rush. Maybe he was telling the truth after all. “Eddie…”
“You abandoned us,” Eddie all but whimpered, shoulders shaking with the first sob. “At least that’s what it felt like. And I just… I wasn’t allowed to show my emotions much as a kid. It was always “be strong for me, Eddie,” or “stop it, men don’t cry.” Emotions were weaknesses, except for anger. And I was so angry. At you, at Shannon, at the universe for putting you in my life just to have you walk away too.”
They sat there in silence for a long stretch of time, staring at each other with tears in their eyes. The breeze blew through the open windows, cooling Buck’s flushed face. When he finally spoke, he could barely push his voice past the lump in his throat.
“I’m not Shannon, Eddie.”
Eddie nodded slowly, looking down at his hands with a look of shame. “I know, but--”
“I will always come back to you.” Eddie looked up at that, and Buck gave him a weak smile. “I love Chris too much to stay away for long.”
Eddie huffed a wet laugh, shoving Buck’s shoulder playfully. Before he could pull away, Buck grabbed his wrist, taking quite a bit of pleasure from the soft gasp it pulled from Eddie as their eyes locked.
“And I love you,” Buck whispered seriously. “I don’t leave, Eddie. I’m the one who gets left.”
Eddie squeezed Buck’s fingers. "So am I."
“Well, that’s good then.” Buck grinned. “That means neither of us is going to leave.”
That had the corner of Eddie’s mouth curling up. Silence settled over them once again, but less tense than it had been before. And though Buck felt relieved that they’d finally talked, he also suddenly felt a thousand times more tired than he had all night.
Eddie cleared his throat, squeezing Buck’s hand once more before he reluctantly let it go. “I think your meds should be ready by now.”
“Good,” Buck sighed as the engine roared to life. “I need sleep.”
…
The drive home had been quiet, but more comfortable than their silences had been for a while. Buck couldn’t stop thinking about what Eddie had said, what they both had confessed. He’d known for a while that he was in love with Eddie, but to know Eddie felt the same was both thrilling and terrifying. He wanted Eddie, and he wanted to allow himself to be happy for once, but it seemed impossible at the moment. They both had so much baggage of their own to work through, and now they had a few shared suitcases between them. It was clear that, as of that night, they were on the mend, but their friendship had taken a pretty big blow. If Eddie wanted to fix things as much as he did, Buck had faith that they could, but it was going to take time. Throwing romance into the mix while they were still putting their friendship back together was just asking for more trouble.
As they pulled up to the entrance of the apartment building, Buck knew that he needed to say something. His mouth was suddenly dry. The crinkle of the paper pharmacy bag sounded like an explosion in the silence. He just had to spit it out.
“We can’t do this right now.”
Eddie said it so softly, Buck almost missed it.
“I want to. God, I want to,” Eddie continued, meeting Buck’s gaze. “But I think we both need to work through some things first.”
“I was thinking the same thing.” Buck smiled at the surprise in Eddie’s glistening eyes. “We need to be friends again before we try to be anything else.”
“So… you want to be something else?” Eddie’s smile was so hopeful and excited, it made Buck’s heart swell.
Buck nodded, reaching across to take Eddie’s hand and squeeze it. “I do. And considering how long I’ve wanted to throw you against a ladder truck and kiss you, I don’t think I’m going to stop wanting that anytime soon, so we can take our time.”
Eddie’s laugh was still the most beautiful sound Buck had ever heard. “Good. I’m glad to hear that.”
Reaching for the handle, Buck paused, suddenly realizing he was going up to an empty apartment. The feeling of loneliness hit him hard, twisting and curling around the fear that still hadn’t subsided. Even hours later, with a million other things on his mind, Buck could still feel the press of metal against the side of his head. Looking back at Eddie, Buck bit his lip. He had no right asking for this, but he supposed if they wanted to rebuild their friendship, it was as good a place as any to start.
“Where’s Christopher tonight?”
“Staying the night with Pepa.” Eddie’s brow furrowed. “Why?”
Even with the anticipation of rejection making his heart pound, he made himself meet Eddie’s gaze. A new batch of tears gathered on his lashes as his voice wavered. “I really need my best friend tonight.”
Eddie’s warm smile was almost enough to calm Buck’s anxiety on its own. “Honestly, I think I do, too.”
…
Buck couldn’t stop himself from glancing over at Eddie on the other end of the couch. The colors of the movie they were watching danced across his face, sparkling in his eyes. They hadn’t talked about anything serious since they got up to the apartment, sticking to lighter topics like Christopher and Buck’s latest hyperfixation - trees. There were so many - but Buck was glad for it. The night had been emotionally draining enough already, he didn’t think he could handle hashing out any more of their issues. They needed to, and they would, but they both just needed to forget about everything for the moment.
“Thanks for hanging out with me,” Buck said sincerely. He stretched his legs out across the couch, leaning against the arm rest so he could face Eddie.
“Thanks for letting me,” Eddie smiled, turning more to face Buck. “How are you feeling?”
“Physically? Not too bad,” he shrugged. “Mentally? I can’t get the feeling of his arm around my neck and the gun against my head out of my mind.”
Laying a hand on Buck’s ankle, Eddie squeezed lightly. The gesture was so simple, but it somehow made Buck feel safe. “Honestly, I think it’s going to be a while before I can close my eyes without seeing it. And the blood. There was… there was so much blood, Buck.”
“I’m sorry,” Buck whispered, dropping his gaze to his hands.
“It’s not your fault.”
He could feel Eddie’s eyes on him, the movie long forgotten. He desperately wanted to ask Eddie to stay, but it felt like too much too soon. They weren’t yet on solid ground. Eddie didn’t need to waste his night there with him. He shouldn’t have asked him to come up in the first place.
“Hey.” The hand on his ankle lightly squeezed again, and Buck looked up to find Eddie giving him a shy smile. “Can I stay the night?”
Buck’s eyes widened. He was not expecting that. “You want to?”
“Yeah, if that’s okay.” Eddie scratched the back of his neck nervously. “Is it too soon? I can go--”
“No,” he shook his head adamantly. “No, I was actually… I wanted to ask you to.”
Buck didn’t know if it was the light of the tv, or the light of Eddie’s happiness, but his eyes were brighter than they had been in a while. “That worked out well, then.”
Buck couldn’t help but stare at Eddie for a long moment. It had been so long since he’d seen anything other than a scowl directed his way. “I really missed you.”
The admission was quiet, but by the look that crossed Eddie’s face, it was powerful. “I missed you, too.” In the blink of an eye, Eddie’s soft smile turned teasing. “I’ve especially missed having someone to wipe the floor with in Mortal Kombat.”
“Shut up,” Buck huffed, grinning. He stood up and stretched, wincing as his stitches pulled and his ribs protested. “I’m injured, you have to be nice to me.”
“When are you not injured?” Eddie teased.
Buck grabbed the throw pillow that had been behind his back and smacked Eddie upside the head with it on his way to the stairs. Eddie’s resounding laughter filled Buck’s chest with a warmth that chased the shadows away. Just knowing that Eddie was nearby put Buck at ease. Nightmares were inevitable, and Buck dreaded screaming himself awake, but at least he knew Eddie understood.
He grabbed the sweats from his drawer and went to the railing, calling for Eddie to look up before tossing the pants to him. By the time Buck gathered the bedding and made it back downstairs, Eddie had already changed and was just switching off the tv when Buck sat the stuff on the arm of the couch.
“Goodnight, Eddie,” Buck smiled, headed back toward the stairs. "You need anything, you know where I am."
“Goodnight, Buck. And hey,” Eddie called. “That goes both ways.”
Buck barely made it two steps up the stairs before his lack of impulse control kicked in. Before he could think about it enough to talk himself out of it, he spun around, marched right up to Eddie, and pulled him into a hug. The other man tensed, and for a second Buck feared he’d moved too fast, but then Eddie relaxed. Careful of his injuries, Eddie put his arms around Buck as gently as he could. They held each other for a long moment, both taking and receiving some much needed comfort.
“I’m really glad you’re okay,” Eddie breathed.
Buck curled his fingers into the fabric of Eddie’s shirt, holding onto him like a lifeline. He was never going to let him go again. “I’m glad we’re okay.”