Chapter Text
The moment he emerged from his bedroll she looked over at him, at first far too many emotions flickering across her face for him to identify any single one. Ultimately, Daine landed on a smile that started bright and then faded.
“Good morning.” She murmured from the campfire she was stoking. She stood, pausing to stretch her arms backwards as they’d go. His attention lingered on the way it pulled her shirt taut against her, the small stripe of skin it exposed.
Numair repeated the greeting back to her, wondering briefly at her nervous hesitance before recalling with both delight and mortification how their previous evening had ended.
“Are you all right?” Numair asked, stupidly.
She looked amused. “I’m perfectly fine.”
He inhaled to speak and found absolutely no words at all.
“I suppose we ought to chat.” She met his eyes but her hands were shaking as she flipped an egg.
“In an ideal world, we would’ve done so beforehand.”
Her mouth twisted a bit at that. “It’s all right. I understand that you didn’t promise me anything. I didn’t ask you to.”
“That is not my concern.”
“Really?” Her tone of doubt was unflattering.
He felt himself blush. “Not in the direction you’re imagining. That is, it’s very unlikely that you want anything I’m unwilling to give.”
She blinked at him very rapidly, apparently speechless.
He seized the opportunity to continue. “When I was your age, I had some encounters that I now regret deeply.”
“Really? Who with?” Her interest seemed genuine.
“No one that remembers me fondly. I would be very upset to play that role in your life.”
Her brow crinkled. “The whole thing was my idea.”
That much was very true. She’d curled up against him at the campfire, ostensibly to read his astronomy textbook with him. He’d made a joke about moons that Daine had charitably laughed at. Mid-chuckle, she’d leaned forward to kiss him casually, as though that was something she’d done daily, or even once before. She had frozen then, smile sliding from her lips. He’d put a hand to his own mouth and then laid it down in his lap, staring down at the appendage. Daine reached for his face and then hesitated, hand bobbing awkwardly between them.
Daine had taken in a deep breath, like she was about to dive into cold water. “Do you mind if--”
“Yes.” Numair had whispered and then at her flinch corrected himself. “Or no. I mean, I don’t mind.”
She’d nodded and slid onto his lap, digging her fingertips into the skin of his back. She’d kissed his neck until he’d lifted her chin for a much harsher kiss, a touch she’d welcomed with a quiet moan.
“Be that as it may.” Numair closed his eyes and with great effort returned to the present. “Sometimes these things feel different under the light of day”
“No. I don’t regret anything.” Daine’s expression was tender. “I had a lovely time.”
He couldn’t help but smile at that and the tension softened.
Daine continued. “Honestly, I’m just surprised that you’d even have me.”
It was his turn to blink. “Why would I refuse?”
Her expression wasn’t soft anymore. She shrugged one shoulder stiffly. “There’s plenty of reasons you wouldn’t be interested”
“No, there really aren’t.”
“You still seem embarrassed.”
“More ashamed,” He told her.
The corners of her mouth turned sharply down. Her voice was a bit thick. “Oh. That makes sense.”
Numair sighed. “You are much younger than me. Historically, I’ve often been charged with your supervision and wellbeing. And worse, you lack any adult who might traditionally run interference against the interest of inappropriate parties. Wanting you feels predatory, or at least something similarly despicable.”
Her look was confused now instead of suspicious. “That’s what’s got you all melancholy? Just that?”
He laughed a little at that but it wasn’t a happy sound. “Yes, just our relative ages and historical power imbalances. Also that up until quite recently I’d presumed you viewed me in a strictly familial manner and would feel burdened or even disgusted by any offer I could make.”
She raised her eyebrows in response.
He couldn’t help but remember how eagerly she’d pressed herself into him, how she’d siezed a wrist to press a hand into her breast. She’d whimpered beneath him and laughed when he froze, assuring him it was not a complaint. She had been responsive and breathless. It had been something out of the kind of fantasy he indulged much too often.
Daine eyed the now burnt breakfast for a long moment before she responded. “I came to you. Well, if I’m being honest, I threw myself at you first time I had both the chance and the courage. In any case, by my reckoning we’ve worked as equals for years now.”
“Of course,” He responded. “At least as far as I’m concerned. But any relationship between us, if you’d even consider such a thing, would be scrutinized and dissected in your presence and out of it.”
Her smile was lukewarm. “I have no idea what that might be like.”
“I know.” Numair sighed. “That was not something I could protect you from, at least out of my hearing.”
She scoffed at him. “Of course not. It’s like trying to stop the sunset.” Daine sucked in a deep breath and then continued. “You said that you’d had women and nights that you regretted.”
“Yes.”
“Would last night be one of them?”
“No,” His denial was immediate and almost stern. “Never.”
“All right. So ladies will chuckle a bit more when I pass them in the courtyard. I don’t see how that matters.”
“It’s something I’d spare you if I could.”
“And that’s truly your only concern?”
“Well, that and what level of involvement you’re even interested in. What else could I possibly object to?”
Daine sighed and began counting on her fingers. “I haven’t any fortune, legitimacy, family connections, virginity or courtly elegance to offer.” Her smile would have looked genuine to anyone else. “So just all that.”
He spoke very carefully. “I am sorry if I ever gave the impression I would judge you, or anyone’s, value by those means.”
She shrugged a single shoulder again. “It’s different for friends, I think. Or for more casual arrangements.”
“The hypocrisy alone would be galling.”
“You broke conventions plenty just to be my friend all these years. I know that wasn’t free.”
“You’re the most important person in my life. There is no price I wouldn’t have paid. In any case, my own reputation was in tatters before your adolescence even commenced. My only regret in that matter is the trouble I brought you, by proxy.”
She looked at him for a long moment. Last night, when they were done, she’d curled against his side in a surprisingly adorable pose, her head resting on his chest. He had leaned down to kiss her head and called her ‘darling’ softly enough that she could pretend not to hear him.
He’d held her then in moments that felt stolen, deeply relieved that she’d only burrowed closer and then gone to sleep.
He continued. “Matters of right and wrong aside, I genuinely don’t care. About any of those alleged virtues you just named.”
Daine took a deep breath. “If you don’t want anything further with me... I understand that sex isn’t any kind of promise. Really.”
“I could say the same to you.”
“You could.” She met his eyes. Daine was actually smiling now. “But it’s not likely you want anything I’m not ready to give.”
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