Chapter Text
1/24
Sorry I haven’t written for a while- Wait. Why am I apologizing? This is my diary (journal? Log? Anything less embarrassing than diary?). The point is, it’s my space. No parents to disappoint, no siblings to torture me, no fake friends to laugh airily at jokes that aren’t even funny. And no humans to ruin my life.
Yeah, I said human.
Turns out, they’re real, and they’re also absolutely insufferable. You should’ve seen this one. Ugly round ears, bizarre, inappropriate outfit, and COMPLETE disregard for what it means to be a real witch. It was horrific. Even worse, she’s friends with Willow. Of all the witches on The Boiling Isles, the human had to befriend Willow. Of course!!! It’s like this girl showed up exclusively to ruin my life.
She even almost took my Top Student status out from under me. I went almost an entire day without that star. It was terrifying. Without it, it was like my entire identity had been taken away. I felt like there was nothing tethering me to the ground anymore, like I’d float away and become nothing unless I got it back.
I…I don’t know where to stand if it’s not on top. I don’t know who I am if I’m not the best. And I know this sounds crazy, but sometimes I really think that if I slip up or make a mistake, Mother and Father might not love me anymore. I know, I know, It sounds ridiculous! They’re my parents! Of course they’d love me!
So why do I have to wonder?
I don’t think Ed and Em have ever had a bad day in their entire lives. I bet they never wonder.
2/7
Why won’t the human leave me alone?! She’s everywhere. She’s in my school, she’s in my town, she’s even at Coven Recruitment! Everywhere I go, the human is there, waiting to ruin my day. Is this some kind of fun human world game for her??? Is this her way of making friends??? She wanted to duel me. She asked for it.
So then…why did she chase after me when I lost?
I can’t figure out her angle. I don’t know what she wants from me. Is she trying to confuse me? Does she think that if she pulls my reputation out from under me, I’ll crumble like a...a badly made sand castle or something??? (UGH I’m so frustrated I can’t even think of a better simile, but you get the point.)
Does she actually think she can be a witch???
Most of all though…why did she follow me out of that arena? What does she gain by playing nice?
I can’t figure her out. She did say she was sorry, and she sounded sincere! But I’ve been lied to before.
I won’t fall for it.
2/16
It’s not fair. I’m the only one who knows Ed and Em aren’t perfect. Why do they keep getting away with things? Why is it so easy for them? Why is EVERYTHING so easy for them???? Mother and Father look at the three of us and see two perfect children and one broken one. But I’m trying. I’m trying so hard. I WANT to be fixed. But they have the natural talent, they have the good looks.
And they have each other.
Maybe that’s their secret. Maybe they’ve got it all together because they have someone else to rely on.
What do I have?
Mediocre magical talent, and no real friends. Was I just supposed to be alone from the beginning? Is this my punishment for what I did to Willow?
Maybe…maybe I deserve it.
I probably deserve it.
2/28
I saw that… human girl again. I may have overreacted. I don’t want to come off as cruel, I just… can’t show weakness.
I will be perfect, even if it kills me. Even if it makes her think that I’m a terrible person. It doesn’t really matter what she thinks, though. It really doesn’t.
It doesn’t.
So then why does it feel so bad?
3/14
Okay, so maybe Luz isn’t that horrible. Actually, she’s kind of…nice? She’s definitely strange, and definitely someone I shouldn’t be associating with.
Oh, and she READ MY DIARY. Like, who does that???
I was definitely hurt, but then she actually…apologized? I can’t remember the last time I’ve heard the words “I’m sorry”. That’s not how it usually works, it’s usually just….hurting people over and over and over again until they break.
But she did it. She apologized.
And we actually make a pretty good team. We fought the monstrous version of Otabin together (long story), and we won! She doesn’t know a ton of magic, but she’s smart, I guess.
She’s lending me the fifth Azura book. I didn’t even know there was another one! I guess it makes sense, considering that insane cliffhanger at the end of the fourth.
I’ve never met someone else who likes Azura. I guess…I guess I have a lot to think about.
3/25
Oh no. Oh no no no no no. Luz. Is coming. To Hexside. She’s going to be a student at my school. A human!!!! At a witch school!!!
That’s just wrong.
I mean, look. We’re friends now, I think. She’s not terrible, and sometimes she’s actually fun to hang out with! We talk about books a lot, and she said she’s going to bring me some new ones from the human world one day.
But she doesn’t belong. She can’t be there. Not when I’m there. All the time.
Oh god I’m going to see her every day.
…Actually, that…doesn’t sound as bad as I expected it to. Huh. Maybe I overreacted? She’s just a human. It’s not a huge deal.
I guess seeing her every day won’t be too bad.
4/5
YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT LUZ DID TODAY.
Ed and Em and I were training at The Knee, because, you know, sometimes they pretend to be caring older siblings, when we ran into Luz and that weird Owl Lady.
Luz was all bundled up in this gray jacket and I just couldn’t stop staring. I guess I like the color gray or something? I’ll have to ask her where she got it from, because I couldn’t take my eyes off of her.
I mean, her jacket. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her jacket. Right.
So anyway, I was training. And it was going fine, I was using my training wand since sometimes I need a LITTLE assistance with fire magic, whatever. So I go to take a break and as soon as I turn around, Luz STEALS the wand. Not only that, but she also wakes some monster AND wears out the charge in the wand. All within a five minute period. How can ONE person make so much trouble???
I was so incredibly mad, but when the monster grabbed the twins and the Owl Lady and started running, I knew I had to do something.
So I put Luz in a cage.
Okay, I know how that sounds. Gosh Amity, it’s not nice to put your friends in cages! I KNOW, alright? I was just…mad and maybe a little embarrassed and I wanted to make sure she stayed safe. Really, it was almost entirely for her safety. Almost. So I left her there and ran to fight the monster.
And then. AND THEN. Out of nowhere, Luz just SHOWS UP, and suddenly she’s using ice magic??? Where did she even learn that? I know for a fact that before she’d only known how to make orbs of light, but there she was, Luz Noceda, human disaster extraordinaire, towering over us on a huge block of ice, ready to help take down the Slitherbeast.
And she did it. She actually did it.
With her help, we managed to free Edric, Emira, and Owl Galore.
I’ve never seen anything like it. When she apologized for stealing my wand I barely even knew what to say. I looked at her and I couldn’t stop thinking about what her silhouette against the moon had looked like as she stood up there with a confidence I’ve only ever known how to fake.
I still can’t stop thinking about it.
4/25
Something is very, very, very wrong.
I feel kind of off lately, like the world’s tilted a little bit and I’m struggling to figure out how to stand on the ground again. The problem is, nobody else seems to feel it.
It doesn’t help that Luz is starting at Hexside tomorrow. I’m excited to have another friend at school, I really am! But the idea of walking down the same hall every day, seeing her in the cafeteria, working together in class, is kind of…overwhelming.
I don’t know why. I get kind of sick when I think about it, which makes no sense, because I really am happy she’s gonna be there! Hmm. Maybe I’m worried the constant proximity will take a toll on our friendship.
Oh. Huh. That’s probably it. I know I don’t have a great track record with friends, so I’m probably just nervous about keeping her around. It’ll be fine though. Nothing has changed! So she’s going to my school, so what? I have nothing to worry about.
5/7
Um.
A lot happened today.
Where do I even start? So basically I made a little…mistake this morning, and ended up almost erasing all of Willow’s memories.
Okay, fine. A big mistake.
It’s just that I saw this picture of the two of us from when we were little and, I don’t know, I just got so scared and ashamed that I burned my face out of it. The problem is, the fire didn’t stop. It kept tearing through Willow’s memories until she was basically sick, so Luz and I took her to the Owl House, where the Owl Lady told us what we had to do. Apparently, the ONLY solution was for me and Luz to take a little adventure into Willow’s mind and physically fix the damage I’d made.
Yeah. Talk about a hard day.
So she took my hand and we popped right in. But here’s the thing about taking her hand:
I didn’t want to let it go.
There was something so comforting about her hand in mine, and when she let go it felt like I’d lost something important. I tried to focus on the Willow mission, but it was hard when Luz was just….everywhere. Pulling me through every memory, helping me fix what I’d broken.
And then she saw it. The one memory I didn’t want anyone to see, the one that started it all.
I’ve had to do a lot of thinking today, and the reality is that I hurt Willow a lot. I’ve always known that, but it was so easy for me to pretend that it wasn’t my fault, or that it didn’t really matter. My parents were the ones who broke up our friendship. But…why did I have to be so cruel? Why did I spend years picking on her and trying to bring her down?
What was I trying to protect?
I’ve turned into a bully. It’s been hard to admit to myself, but I think deep down I’ve always known. It’s finally time for me to face the fact that that’s who I’ve been.
I don’t blame Willow for feeling so negative towards me. I deserve it.
I got my chance to apologize today though, and I took it. I know we’re not friends or anything right now, but at least she knows that I regret what I’ve done. And I do. I really do. I’m done with those rich snobs I pretend to call my friends. I’m done making people miserable. I hate who I’ve become, but it’s finally time for me to start again.
I felt a lot better about it at the time, but now…now I’m all twisted up inside. Because I think I’ve figured out why everything’s felt so weird lately.
What happened it this: Luz hugged me.
I know that doesn’t sound like a big deal. Friends hug each other all the time! Why even mention it?
Because this was different. She hugged me and all of a sudden everything I’ve been feeling just kind of exploded into my brain, and suddenly my heart was beating too fast and my mind just blanked. Completely blanked. You could’ve asked me for my name and I wouldn’t have remembered it.
And then her cheek was touching mine and I’m 100% sure that I was redder than that chili pepper the twins once tricked me into eating.
I can still feel her in my arms right now, and I KNOW how weird and creepy that sounds! I hear it too! But I can’t help it. Because it all makes sense now.
I have a crush on the human.
5/23
Knowing changes things.
It’s like suddenly, I don’t know how to act around her. Even the most basic things feel wrong to me, like I’m convinced I’m going to trip in front of her, or accidentally touch her hand again, and then what will I do???
I’m afraid that everyone can see how I’m feeling just by looking at me. It must be so obvious. But they can’t know. They can’t find out.
First of all, it would be so embarrassing. Seriously, the thought of someone knowing feels like the end of the world. The thought of LUZ knowing has me terrified…ohhh god, I can’t even find the words because now Im thinking about it and I’m just. Scared.
I’m so so so so so scared.
Why did it have to be her, of all people? Why Luz??? Why can’t I stop feeling this way? Even if I was going to go for it (which I’m not), she’d probably laugh in my face, or get so disgusted that she’d walk away.
I wouldn’t blame her.
This is so bad. I’m so screwed.
6/2
Hi Luz. You might be wondering why I gave this to you
Luz! Whats up? How are you? Im great. The weather
Luz, do you want to maybe possibly at all maybe
Luz, Will you go to Grom with me?
~~
Wow. Okay. I actually wrote those words out. I actually did it. Now I just have to…give it to her.
HA! Yeah, right. Like I’m actually going to do that. Like I’m actually going to walk up to the girl I like, hand her the letter, and then stand there as she reads it and probably rejects me?
NOPE. Not today, Amity.
It was enough just to write it out.
But…well…what if she said yes?
6/3
It’s over. Everything’s over. I’m Grom queen. I’m Grom Queen, and I was too much of a child to give the letter to Luz, and now not only am I going to get rejected, but it’ll be in front of the entire school. This is a nightmare.
6/3
Luz offered to be Grom Queen instead of me.
WHO DOES THAT????
She said she’d be my “fearless champion”. Are you kidding me??? What do you even say to that???? She readily offered to face her worst fear just so I don’t have to.
WHO DOES THAT?????
But I’ve got no time to think about how that’s the nicest, most chivalrous, sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me. Or about how guilty I feel letting her fight a monster because I’m too afraid. Nope. Gotta help her train.
I wonder what her worst fear is?
6/4
Tonight was kind of…a dream. I mean, look, a lot of bad stuff did happen but I guess it worked out in the end.
So, Grom.
First of all, I absolutely need to point out that Luz looked adorable. That’s a really important part of the story. So now that that’s out of the way: She did it. That crazy human actually walked into the gym and faced Grometheus. It was the bravest thing I’ve ever seen.
And it looked like it was working! At least, for about two minutes. I don’t know all of the details, but her worst fear seemed to be her mother, which…well. Unfortunately, I can relate. So she ran out of the school with the monster and about half of Hexside chasing her, and all of a sudden I’d had enough.
I was done being a child. I was done being afraid. Luz was risking her life for me, and for what? So I wouldn’t get mildly embarrassed? Suddenly it just felt kind of silly, and all that really mattered was that Luz was in danger and I couldn’t stand to watch.
So I jumped in.
And the world didn’t end. The Grom rejected me there, in front of everyone, in front of Luz, and I was still standing.
Okay, sure, nobody could tell who Grometheus was supposed to be, which definitely saved me a lot of trouble. But I still did it. I still looked my fear in the eye and lived.
So why was it a dream? WELL…
After the Grom ripped up my letter and was totally rude about it, Luz and I faced it. Together.
And that’s when she asked me to go to Grom with her. Yeah yeah, she added a “that’s what friends do” after, which I admit made my heart twist in a way I really don’t wanna think about, but she still said the word’s I’d been to afraid to say. The butterflies in my stomach were fluttering so hard that I was almost nauseous, but I pushed past it and asked her to dance. I asked HER to dance!
So she grabbed my hand, and…I don’t know, the world just got a little brighter. Does that sound weird? Maybe it does. But I don’t care, because it’s true. We were so incredibly in sync, like we’d been doing this together for years. Like it was something we’d practiced. And when she threw me into the air everything kind of slowed down for a second and I swear I could the whole Boiling Isles. And for once it didn’t look so grim. She caught me in her (surprisingly strong????) arms and, I don’t know, it’s like nobody else existed for that one single second. She put me down pretty quickly, but it felt like I’d been in her arms for hours. It felt like everything had changed.
I should also probably mention that we defeated the monster and became Grom queens, but that part doesn’t feel as important.
Wait, okay, thinking back on it now it feels…bittersweet. On one hand, tonight was everything I wanted. But on the other hand…well…I don’t actually have her. We held hands, and we danced, and we went back to school together, and I had a great time! To me, it meant everything.
But to Luz, I’m still her friend Amity. Being with me tonight wasn’t a big deal. I was just another friend she was hanging out with.
She has no idea that for just a second, right before she put me down, I really wanted to kiss her. And I’m relieved, but also kind of disappointed. It feels like I got a taste of what could be, but probably never will. It was cruel. We were together, but it wasn’t the right way, and maybe it never will be.
I’m trying so hard to hold onto all the good that happened tonight and not let the negative get to me, but I’m struggling.
She’ll probably never feel that way about me. And I guess that’s just something I have to deal with. There’s hope, somewhere, twisted up in my heart, messy and jumbled and glowing, but I should probably shut it down. Luz and I are friends. We’re friends. I am Luz’s FRIEND, and that is okay.
Well.
For now, anyway.