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It took approximately two seconds for Klaus to latch himself onto what he had dubbed as Emo Ben. Which, hey, was pretty impressive, considering Ghost Ben was already pretty emo.
The teenager had tried to sidestep and disarm Klaus, of course, but Klaus was a grown ass adult who had the exact same experience learning hand to hand combat and grappling, and then spent a good portion of his life on the streets either avoiding being groped or clinging to people like a leech. Which is to say, he easily slipped past Ben’s defense. Ben had aimed a quick punch directly at Klaus’ chin when he moved in, which Klaus blocked with a forearm and a bright laugh. Ben tried to reach with his other arm and get Klaus in the side, but Klaus ducked away and twined his arms around Ben’s waist, ignoring his struggles.
“Oh, man,” Klaus breathed out eagerly, “I missed you so much, man, every snide remark, every bitchy comment-” He nuzzled his face into Ben’s hair affectionately, squeezing the life out of his brother, “I had breakfast the other day, thought of you and cried, haha! Remember that joke we had about how you can’t snort eggs?”
The teen/man - he wasn't sure - beneath him was stiff, trying to peel him away. “He’s touching me,” Ben announced, sounding thoroughly disturbed. He looked like an upset cat trying to get away from a bathtub full of water. “He’s touching me, dad, why is he touching me-“
“Unhand my student this instant , you pathetic excuse for a false prophet!” Reginald snapped, his cane smacking on the marble floor. Everyone in the room flinched.
Including Ben, and the new group. Klaus hugged him even tighter, giving a small hum and squeezing his eyes closed. His siblings could handle it.
The remaining Umbrella’s - or Team Zero, these days - all started yelling.
“Are you fucking kidding me, old man?” Diego groaned, staring up at the ‘heroes’ standing there, looming. They had seemed intimidating at first, relishing in the high ground, but now with Ben affectionately trapped and chaos breaking loose, they all looked.. uncertain.
“Did you seriously adopt and traumatize six more kids because you were paranoid about the first seven coming back to haunt you?!” Allison shouted, gesturing up at the others that had not-so-subtly huddled around each other, whispering and wondering what to do about Ben.
But if they were raised anything like the Umbrella’s, they wouldn’t break formation until Reginald gave them an express order to deal with the intruders.
“For fucks sake,” Luther announced, throwing his hands up in the air. The Sparrows and Reginald startled away from his sheer bulk, “I came in here and almost had a moment with you, but you’re just as terrible as ever! Fuck !”
Diego reached over and patted his arm, shaking his head lightly in disappointment at their father.
“He’s still touching me!” Emo Ben shouted, planting a hand firmly on Klaus’ face while he tried to twist out of his grip.
“Man. Death, and then death’s death couldn’t keep us apart!” Klaus was tearing up, “How poetic is that? You and me, bro-“
“I am not your brother!” Emo Ben hissed, “I have no idea who you are!”
“Did- did you seriously learn nothing?” Vanya asked Reginald, disappointment lacing her tone, “We were a mess when we met you in the sixties and that was.. almost entirely your fault, in the end.”
“No, he didn’t, because he’s a paranoid old fart who can’t stand not having a mini army to boss around. Christ .” Five swore, the newspaper folded under his arm and his hands stuffed in his pockets, “I betcha ten bucks we actually gave him the idea.”
“We gave him the date, too. Our birthday.” Diego replied, running his free hand down his face before turning to look up at the Sparrow Academy, “Hey, guys, I’m really sorry about this-“
“Stop this chaos and shenaniganery at once !” Reginald insisted, incensed, “And do not address my students! Unhand my Number One!”
“Woah, Ben!” Klaus cheered, “Congrats on the no doubt traumatizing promotion!”
“Oh, geeze,” Luther mumbled, “No wonder he’s so…”
“Stuck up? Bitchy?” Allison asked, raising an eyebrow, “Emo?”
“Hey.” Luther said softly, hurt. Allison gave him an apologetic look, reaching over to put a hand on his arm too.
“Let- go- of- me -“ Ben had been trying increasingly inventive ways to get himself out of Klaus’ hold- now he just seemed to be elbowing Klaus in the sternum to punctuate every word. Klaus only laughed and wheezed.
“Hey, which one is your least favorite?” Vanya asked Reginald blithely before turning, “Do any of you kids just so happen to somehow not have powers despite being in the academy? Do you wanna talk about it? We could talk about it.”
“You’re probably a bossy little asshole now, just like Lulu was.” To Ben’s dismay, Klaus started tearing up and crying, “Oh, man, this is just so - so special—“
Panicked, Ben ducked and twisted and finally got out from Klaus’ death grip of a hug, his eyes so wide and angry that the whites were showing.
“That’s it -“ Ben announced, thoroughly pissed off, “I’m done- dad, I’m taking care of our guests myself.” He said, probably intending to sound really cool and dramatic as he lifted his sweater up and The Horror came clawing out to rip them apart.
That’s what they all thought would happen, at least. The horrible, grotesque tentacles left Ben’s stomach and chest cavity, rising up, looming, and curling around to give themselves space in the crowded room. Klaus watched, nonplussed and unmoving as everyone else took a step back.
“Number One! This is completely unacceptable! I did not yet.. tell you to..” Reginald trailed off, watching the scene in complete dismay. Diego looked over and gave a wheezy laugh at the look on his face.
Klaus had lifted his ‘HELLO’ hand and gave the Horror a jaunty wave. Instead of launching themselves at Ben’s prey, one tentacle reached forward and prodded at the hand.
“My interdimensional babies remember me!” Klaus cheered, swiping at tears on his face and then reaching out another careful hand for the tentacles, “How are you guys doing? Getting cramped in there? I hope he’s been letting you out to party more than he used to.”
“ What? ” Ben demanded, furious and scared, “Attack him! Attack! Pick him up! Rip him apart!” A tentacle wound itself around Klaus’ wrist gently instead, and Klaus cooed. The Sparrows, still watching from above, were mumbling to each other with uncertainty now.
“That… is kind of fascinating.” Five said, a calculating look in his eye. “New timeline, definitely a new Ben, but whatever realm the Horror lives in must be outside the standard laws of time and space..”
“Where’s the anger?” Ben demanded, looking down, up, around, accusing of his tentacles, “The violence? The blood lust? Why is he petting you?!”
Diego sighed, planting a hand on a nearby pillar and leaning his weight on it. “Good job, Reggie. Really knocked it out of the park on this one.”
“This!” Reginald pointed his cane at the Umbrellas accusingly, “These reprobates! This is the threat I’ve trained you for your entire lives! Take the opportunity and seize it, children!” He called, “The enemy has called upon your very doorstep, infiltrated your home- take action , Sparrows!”
“I already tried that.” Ben said, sounding distressed and concerned and lost now that his violence-based tentacles have been won over by an affectionate hippie.
“ We’re the enemy. Yeah, okay.” Allison scoffed, watching the opposition. The Sparrows all looked tense, taking reluctant fighting stances at their dad’s instruction.
“Hey, I haven’t forgotten the assassinating Kennedy thing, old man.” Diego added, crossing his arms. A quiet ‘what?’ popped up from the Sparrow group. “And after all that weird back and forth about being a hero, too.” He clicked his tongue, “Shame.”
“Guys, I think he’s trying to make us fight teens. Kids .” Luther lamented, “I feel bad for all those jerks he pointed us at when we were ten.”
“That was not— Children!” Reginald howled, trying to regain momentum, “Sparrow Academy! They are intruders in your home! Attack them!”
“Actually.. So this is a fight now? Officially?” Five looked thoughtful, his gaze turning about the room. His eyes landed on his siblings one by one, and they all gave him questioning looks, quickly shaking their heads. None of them wanted to fight.
“Yes!” Reginald insisted with vitriol.
Five shrugged. “Okay. Then…” He paused, “We surrender.”
“ What ?!” Reginald snapped.
“What?” Luther asked calmly, tilting his head.
“Yeah- what ?” Allison added, putting her hands on her hips judgingly.
Five gave them a sardonic smile. “I don’t know about you guys, but I could use a break. And hey, casa de Sparrow seems like just as good a place as any.”
“He’s got a point.” Vanya mumbled, running a hand up and down her opposite arm. “If this is a messed up timeline.. guess I don’t have an apartment we can go back to, do I?”
The Sparrows all look baffled, glancing at one another. It seemed, now that their Number One was being distracted by Klaus, and their main, bloodthirsty weapon was being affectionate and cuddly … Well, it was all kind of confusing, no doubt.
“You cannot just surrender !” Reginald shouted, incensed, “ Sparrows !”
Five lazily raised his hands to the sky in direct defiance. Reginald stared, a blood vessel bulging on his forehead as Five gave them a tiny shake like he was making jazz hands.
“What about the rest of you?” Five asked, “Surrender or fight the traumatized, groomed, misunderstood superheroes?”
Allison huffed and shook her head lightly to herself, a small smile on her lips as she raised her hands. Luther looked at Five with a frown but nodded to him nonetheless, raising his hands too.
“Ah, screw it.” Diego decided, throwing his hands up, “Hey, if you need to pat me down, I’ll save you the trouble- I’ve got around twenty knives?” He tilted his head, “..actually. Nineteen, probably.”
“How do you know you’re missing one?” Vanya asked politely.
“Lila likes trophies.” Diego shrugged, a smirk tugging at his mouth. Vanya nodded solemnly.
Reginald’s mouth opened and closed like a particularly outraged fish, his face red. Vanya made direct eye contact with him, raised her eyebrows, unimpressed- and put her hands up.
“We’re giving up ?” Klaus asked in a shocked, hushed voice. He took two of Ben’s tentacles and pulled them up in the air with his hands with a laugh and a grin, twirling and wrapping himself up in gooey tentacle. Ben’s jaw dropped open at how willingly they went along with it. “Finally! I love this family! Best plan ever !”
“Do you want us to sit down or something?” Luther asked Reginald, “Make it easier to tie us up?”
“Hey dad,” Vanya asked, something wry in her voice, “Do you still have all those creepy rooms in the basement dedicated to suppressing our powers if we don’t fall in line and you need to get rid of someone?”
Reginald’s eyebrows popped up. A hush fell across the Sparrows, and Vanya snorted. “I bet you definitely don’t have mine anymore. Do you know what my power is in this timeline, old man?”
“We never told him.” Klaus pointed out cheerily, “That’s fun! A fun little puzzle! And hey, even if he did have it, you kinda figured out how to get out, didn’t you?” He continued, playing along and delighting in the fun expressions Reginald was making, “But small rooms and basements are no bueno for me, thank you. I get a little antsy and spooky these days in small spaces after you, y’know, locked me in a mausoleum growing up. Repeatedly.”
He grinned at Reggie, teeth showing, “Be a dear and just stuff us in the attic instead? Or regular ol house arrest works, too. We won’t cause trouble, mister. Scouts honor.” He paused, “Oh wait! You never let me be a scout.”
“And we all know you’re fresh out of honor.” Diego quipped. Klaus stuck his tongue out at him, one of Ben’s tentacles winding itself up his arm to poke at his face. He snorted out a laugh.
“So what’ll it be, old man?” Five asked, waving his hands again, “We surrendered, no fight necessary. And hey, our big plan ended at ‘get the hell back home’, so we’re pretty much done with our chaos and shenanigans.”
“I do have a kid to find.” Allison pointed out. Five nodded in her direction.
“There is that.” Five agreed.
“I have a ghost from 1969 to summon and give a real ‘ I told you so ’ to.” Klaus said, “But I can do that on my own time. No pressure, really.” He looked around, “Errands? Anyone else have errands?”
“Your niece isn’t an errand , Klaus.” Allison grumbled half heartedly. He winked at her.
“I’m good, I think.” Luther said to Klaus.
“Lila’s out there, but…” Diego hummed, “Probably gonna be a pain in my ass to track down. I’m pretty sure she’ll just show up if she ever wants to be found again.”
“I liked her!” Klaus added, “And hey, I never had a chance after your barn speech, but I love you too, bro.” The rest of the Umbrellas followed suit and mumbled various acknowledgements. Even Five tilted his head slightly in his direction. Diego shrugged, modest, smiling a little in spite of himself.
“I probably don’t have a job anymore. So I guess I’m free, too.” Vanya added thoughtfully, “Yeah, no, being prisoners sounds fine for awhile.”
“You- you cannot-” Reginald blustered, “You are the enemy , you are causing discord in this house- We don’t keep prisoners--”
“You also don’t kill innocent, weaponless people giving themselves up to the proper authorities.” Diego said mildly, “Isn’t that right, little birds? Or did dad decide to forgo any kind of ‘code’ this time around?”
‘Number One’ Ben himself frowned at that, looking over to Reginald uncertainly.
“So either you let us go, take us prisoner, or..” Five hummed, “I guess you could turn us into police custody, which might be kind of hard considering we probably don’t have a footprint on this timeline yet. Do we even have birth certificates? Do we exist here at all?” He paused, looking at Reginald critically, “Do you have chalk? As in, a lot of chalk? I need to run some equations.”
“Claire.” Allison bit her lip, looking down and away.
“ Hey .” Luther said, catching her eye, “We’ll figure it out, okay?” She swallowed and nodded.
“Oh, fuck yeah , no arrest record for me!” Klaus interrupted, “Suck it, bitches. All those public indecency charges can kiss my ass.”
Emo Ben tried to take a step back, grimacing, but the tentacles winding around the man now had him stuck in close proximity to Klaus.
“Those are the terms of our surrender, as far as I’m concerned.” Five said, ignoring his siblings. “A metric shit ton of chalk. And maybe dinner.”
“I could go for dinner.” Vanya agreed, “So are we going to the attic or the basement?”
“Hey, nobody said we could ask for things.” Klaus muttered with a pout, snorting a little as a tentacle poked around his long hair, investigating. He looked at their dearest dad and tilted his head, giving him a charming grin. “Can we get those drinks to-go with our impending imprisonment?”