Work Text:
Shouta is a dead man walking.
He knew this day was coming. Indeed, ever since Nedzu had sat serenely in his office as if he wasn’t about to make Shouta pray for the ceiling to collapse and crush him faster than Midoriya crushes his bones. Because apparently the principal eats his breakfast cereal with the tears of his staff, he had sat in his armchair, smiling angelically like the psychopathic man-bear-mouse-demon that he really is, and had handed out lesson plans like they were pixie sticks and not harbingers of destruction that would ruin Shouta’s life.
That particular staff meeting had been 2 weeks ago. Shouta has had 2 weeks to physically, mentally and spiritually prepare himself. No amount of research, lesson restructuring or simply staring into his cat’s eyes and whispering ‘no’ would ever fool him into thinking he was ready.
And there he was. The time has come.
He stands at the podium during homeroom, where Class 1-A sit at their desks like the shining young heroes-to-be they were, none the wiser to the proverbial hurricane of misery and embarrassment they are about to be endure.
“Sir,” Kaminari chirps, “What’s up with the timetable change this morning?”
Shouta takes a deep breath.
“As you have been informed,” he begins, “Your schedule today is going to be different than what you’re used to.”
“MR AIZAWA!” Iida yells, chopping his arm in the air like a turbo-powered Jackie Chan, “WE WERE TOLD THAT WE WOULD BE RECEIVING A SPECIAL PRESENTATION THIS MORNING. MAY I ASK IF WE WILL BE ASSESSED ON THIS TODAY?”
“Iida, sit down. No, you’re not being assessed on this. I hope for the sake of your souls that you never will be.”
“Sir,” Yaoyorozu asks, raising her hand, “The notice said that our timetables have been cleared until lunch time today. Does that mean today’s mock English exam has been cancelled?”
“That is correct. Mic’s test has been postponed until your class on Friday. I assure you that it will be a small reprieve from what I am about to put you all through.”
“Bet it’s a pop quiz,” he hears Ashido whisper.
“Oh man,” Kaminari groans beside her, “And just when I studied for Present Mic’s exam for once!”
“Kami, listening to Smash Mouth doesn’t count as studying for English.”
“It does if you believe in yourself.”
“For your own sakes, you do not want to make me draw this out longer than I have to,” Shouta hisses. His students promptly shut up.
This is it. The floor is his. He silently curses his past lives for whatever sins they committed to earn this karmic retribution.
“As heroes in training, you need to be prepared for whatever life may throw at you,” he continues. I can do this. I can do this. Fuck, no I can’t. Okay, pause, take a deep breath, imagine your power animal like you were taught in that mindfulness seminar. Carry on.
“Usually, at U.A. we teach you about trials you may face out in the field. However… sometimes you will have to overcome obstacles that are more… personal in nature.”
Sero raises his hand. “Like taxes?”
“No.”
“Can we learn about taxes someday?” Ashido pipes up, “They seem, like, super hard.”
“I’m an underground hero, not an accountant. I am not teaching you how to do your taxes.”
“But sir-“
“No buts. As I was saying- put your hand down, Ashido- the situations you will have to manoeuvre in your personal lives are not something any joint exercise or USJ simulation could ever prepare you for. U.A. is a school, and there is a national curriculum that must be adhered to. As educators, it is our duty- I said put your hand down- to provide you with knowledge that allows you to best prepare yourselves for life not just on the battle field.”
Shouta turns to the blackboard and hates himself with every fibre of his being. He scratches out the torturous words in chalk as every instinct screams at him to run and never set foot in U.A. ever again.
“No.” Jirou gasps.
“Please,” Kaminari whispers.
Shouta steps aside so that his students can bask in the miserable words that have darkened every waking minute of his life for the past two weeks. If he wasn’t in such metaphysical pain himself, he might find the way his students’ faces all simultaneously blanched amusing. Hell, Midoriya looks like he’s on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
SEX EDUCATION
“Normally, we’d deliver this class midway through your second year,” he says, “However, due to it being brought to our attention that some of you have entered into… relationships recently, the principal thought it wise to bring it forward.”
Every pair of eyes in the room locks onto either Bakugou or Kirishima.
“What the fuck are you wastes of oxygen all looking at?!” Bakugou explodes. Kirishima’s expression is that of someone who wants to dissolve in their seat.
“This is your fault, isn’t it?” Kaminari hisses, pointing a shaking finger, “It’s because All Might caught you and Kiri canoodling in the boys’ locker room-“
“WE WEREN’T FUCKING CANOODLING! WE WERE KISSING!“
“SAME DIFFERENCE, MAN!”
“IF YOU THINK STICKING YOUR DICK SOMEWHERE AND KISSING ARE THE SAME THING THEN NO WONDER THEY BROUGHT SEX ED FORWARD FOR OUR FUCKING CLASS-“
“I want to die,” Kirishima whispers like he really means it.
Same, Shouta thinks.
“If both of you want to be expelled today then please, continue,” he grinds out instead. “I have to learn to live with myself after this, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t make the experience as painful as humanly possible.” He must sound sincere (he is), because Kaminari and Bakugou shut up. Bakugou shuts up. Maybe god isn’t dead after all.
“For the record, if anyone says anything that could be even remotely construed as inappropriate then you will be on house arrest until graduation day. Yes, Mineta, I’m looking at you. My request to remove you from this particular class was declined because apparently this school delights in testing the limits of my sanity. Iida, Yaoyorozu, as class representatives you will be aiding me in distributing materials. I sure as hell don’t want to do it by myself. Recovery Girl will be down later to give a lecture and practical demonstration. Do not take that as your cue to escape.”
Shouta’s class has been put through a lot throughout their young lives. Despite this, he doesn’t think he’s ever seen them look quite this afraid before.
He sighs. Brings his goggles down over his eyes.
“Let’s get this over with.”
“You might start to notice your body going through changes. These changes are all perfectly natural, and some of them can be perfectly disgusting. Things like acne, changes in voice, growth spurts, hormonal fluctuations that can lead to mood swings- what is it, Sero?”
“Sir, don’t only girls get mood swings? Like when they… you know… ?”
“Pee blood?”
“MINETA, it is called a PERIOD and it is perfectly fucking NORMAL-“
“Sit down, Jirou. Mineta, I’m going to give you so much detention that you’ll wish you were dead. To answer your question, Sero, sometimes the menstrual cycle can affect mood. However, as you get older all of your bodies will be experiencing hormonal developments. It isn’t exclusive to a particular sex. Yes, Todoroki?”
“Could that be why I cried myself to sleep the other night after Midoriya showed me a video of an orphan duckling that imprinted on a Saint Bernard?”
“… It could well be, yes. Alternatively, it might be wise to make an appointment with Hound Dog.”
“I can’t.”
“Why?”
“I might be reminded of the Saint Bernard.”
“… Moving on.”
“Look at the handout Iida or Yaoyorozu has given you. Can anyone tell me what the diagram on page 2 is? Yes, Asui?”
“The vagina, ribbit.”
“Correct. Can anyone tell me where-“
“That’s what they look like?!”
“Be quiet, Kaminari.”
“Don’t pretend you haven’t already seen one, Sparky. I’ve seen the disgusting smutty doujinshi collection that you’ve got under your bed.”
“OH MY GOD BAKUGOU PLEASE MAN NO I TOLD YOU TO NEVER TELL ANYONE ABOUT-"
“I will be seeing you both after class.”
“Can anyone tell me where the prostate is? Anyone? Yes, Hagakure?”
“Up the butt!”
“… Correct.”
“Yeah!! I win!!”
“No one wins today, Hagakure. Believe me.”
“Turn over the page. This is what the inside of a penis looks like. Please stop crying, Koda, or I might join in with you.”
“As your body changes, you might start to experience certain… feelings. It is a perfectly natural part of human nature to have sexual urges, and you may find yourselves attracted to people of a wide variety of genders. Despite what many in our society might have you believe, heterosexuality is not the only valid form of sexual attraction. No, Mineta, I don’t want to hear it, put your hand down. Yes, Uraraka?”
“Can you find someone of the same gender attractive but still be straight?”
“Many people find themselves exploring their sexualities at some point in their lives. Sexuality is a binary thing, and very fluid. You might identify as prominently heterosexual, but find you are sometimes interested in the same sex. Alternatively, you might identify as, say, bisexual or pansexual, and be attracted to multiple genders. All of these are perfectly valid. Yes, Kirishima?”
“Sir, are you just saying all this because me and K- Bakugou are… you know… ?”
“No, I am not. I am saying it because it’s true. And believe me when I say I never want to hear anything about what you two get up to in your spare time. Please, for the love of god, keep it to yourselves. Now, if you turn over the page, you will see a picture of-“
“Communication is key in relationships. You need to make sure that both parties establish sexual limits, and that these are made clear and a line of dialogue is kept open. You need to be able to fully understand each other’s boundaries and goals so that you remain consenting to the situation. Tokoyami, could you give an example of a sexual limit? …. Tokoyami?”
“I think he’s asleep, sir.”
“… Can’t say I expected that.”
“… the diagrams we’ve been given adhere to the standard human anatomy from before quirks became more prominent. But what you’re if you’re born with a mutant or transformation quirk that affects the more reproductive anatomy? Are there contraceptives out that cater for those born without the typical human anatomy? What if someone has a quirk that can only be used during sex? Or what if your quirk is an emitter-based one that is controlled by emotional impulse? Could that then lead to it being accidentally used during an intense sexual moment? Oh god, what if I were to accidentally use my quirk during sex?! What if I seriously injured my partner, what if I killed them?! I could commit manslaughter just by having sex, I could end up-“
“Midoriya. Stop. Talking.”
By the time Recovery Girl knocks on Class 1-A’s door laden with leaflets and boxes, Shouta has wished for death exactly 23 times. The 24th comes when this lovely old lady opens up one of her boxes and thwacks a giant purple dildo onto his podium.
“Now students,” she smiles, “We will be practising safe sex etiquette. Tell me, who wants to volunteer to demonstrate correct condom application?”
“I’m never letting her kiss me again,” Ojirou mutters.
The condom practise, as it turns out, is the most painful experience so far.
Uraraka chokes and has a 5-minute coughing fit after Recovery Girl cheerily slams the dildo onto her desk when she isn’t looking.
Shouji picks up his dildo and accidentally crushes it in half in the palm of his hand. Shouta can’t hide his wince as he watches.
Ashido sees her condom is strawberry flavoured and licks it in full view of the class.
Todoroki attempts to lower his dildo into a condom from above like he’s King Arthur inserting the sword into the stone.
Yaoyorozu tears her first condom and ends up producing another one using her quirk, pre-packaged and anything.
Koda ignores the dildo on his desk altogether and sits under his desk to have traumatised conversations with a hamster he’s hidden in his jacket pocket.
Bakugou won’t stop hoarding the condoms when he thinks no one is watching. Shouta has to empty his pockets twice.
The final straw comes when Kaminari, the ever-dependable destroyer of the last shreds of Shouta’s sanity, places a mangled condom over his nose and does an impression of Squidward Tentacles.
“You can’t fool me, Plankton, I listen to public radio!” Kaminari says in a nasally voice.
Here lies Shouta’s hopes and dreams, his teacher thinks.
With the condom presentation mercifully done with, all that’s left before Shouta is free to go and bang his head against a wall is the sexual health and pregnancy talk.
Pros: It is a slide show delivered by Recovery Girl and Shouta doesn’t have anything to do with it.
Cons: It is a slide show delivered by Recovery Girl and Shouta doesn’t have anything to do with it.
By the time Recovery Girl has shown them all the second image of what a penis infected with chlamydia looks like, Midoriya has turned as green as his hair and Aoyama is quivering uncontrollably in his seat. When she moves on to an image of a vagina with genital warts, Mineta runs out of the room to throw up.
“Guess he didn’t see any of that on PornHub,” Asui croaks. Shouta chooses not to tell her off.
“And next, dears, we have gonorrhoea,” Recovery Girl simpers. Satou puts his head on his desk and cries silently. Shouta sinks deeper into his sleeping bag and prays for a sweet release.
Recovery Girl goes out with a bang with her favourite weapon of mass student destruction; the birthing video.
“If anyone here is particularly squeamish, you are permitted to step outside,” she assures the class. Surprisingly, no one gets up to leave. Shouta suspects it’s because all of their spirits have been broken already.
The second the footage blinks into existence and an HD image of a screaming woman’s legs in stirrups are projected onto the screen, someone whispers; ‘Sweet Jesus.’ Shouta thinks it might’ve actually been Koda.
After the third minute of witnessing the miracle of childbirth, nearly every single face in the room is white as a sheet. More than half are visibly sweating. Yaoyorozu looks like she’s on the verge of following Mineta’s example and making a break for the bathroom. Kirishima keeps involuntarily hardening his skin every time the woman screams from a contraction and grinding scratches into his desk. Jirou has plugged her ears with her own earphone jacks. Aoyama is muttering ‘non non non non non’ under his breath. Sero is biting his fist to keep himself from screaming. Iida appears to have gone catatonic. The only person who doesn’t seem to be experiencing either disgust or abject horror is Bakugou of all people, who is watching the video with something akin to fascination.
After the fifth minute, the baby’s head appears. It’s also then that Kaminari faints.
“Screw that, I’m never having sex,” Ashido mutters as Shouji follows Recovery Girl out of the room with Kaminari in a bridal-carry, “I’d much rather take a vow of abstinence than tear my vagina to shreds.” All of the girls in the room hum in agreement.
“Bro, the miracle of life is terrifying,” Kirishima mumbles to no one in particular.
“Can we watch it again?” Bakugou asks.
Apparently there is a god, because the bell for lunch break rings at that exact second.
“We are never speaking of this again,” Shouta says before he zips his sleeping bag shut over his head and is plunged into a darkness befitting the current state of his soul.
“So, how was it?” Hizashi asks, placing a steaming mug of black coffee on Shouta’s desk in the staff room. He must be feeling extra generous because he's even used his favourite mug, the one with the tabby on it that reads ‘CATS ARE BETTER THAN PEOPLE’ in calligraphed letters.
“Awful,” Shouta mutters honestly, sipping the liquid while it's still scalding just to feel something, “I listened to Recovery Girl talk my students through all the symptoms of herpes. I had to watch Midoriya draw his own diagrams of the urethra in his notebook. I had to hear Iida say the words ‘missionary position.’ I had to look Todoroki in the eyes and explain to him that he couldn’t get a woman pregnant by urinating inside them.”
Hizashi blinks. “Yeah, actually, that does sound terrible.”
“It felt somehow worse having to lead the class than when I had to sit through it as a student myself,” Shouta groans, “Why is that?”
“Probably because this time you had to look Todoroki in the eyes and tell him he couldn’t get someone pregnant by peeing inside them,” Hizashi deadpans. Shouta lets out a laugh that is utterly devoid of humour, before returning to his previous activity of rueing his existence.
Hizashi wraps an arm around his shoulder and gives him a sympathetic squeeze. “Hey, look on the bright side. It could’ve been a lot worse.”
“How?!” Shouta spits like his angriest cat, glaring up at him, “How could it have possibly gone worse?!”
Hizashi shrugs. “You could’ve agreed to let Midnight lead the session.”
It is only then that, for the first time that day, Shouta is grateful for small mercies.