Work Text:
tipsyGnostalgic[TG] opened the memo FUCK THIS SHIT FERAL TIME
TG: yo distri n english u got dem goods
TT: The equipment has been acquired. Transaction currently in progress.
TG: fux ye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GT: Soon enough well be having some good ol nanty narking!
TT: I'm not particularly fond of knowing what that means without needing context clues.
TG: lmoa just one of the side effects of knwing jake englsih for yrs dat we gotsta live w
TT: I wonder at times if it's worth it.
TT: You done in that store, English?
GT: Just about. There are these lads having a lark and keeping the line. Quite the bother.
TG: suplex the fukers
GG: Do! Not! Suplex! Children!
TG: but janey babey they sound like bratty fucks why not
GG: Jake gave one sentence about them, we don't know *anything* about them.
TG: Sorry, Jane, but I'm with my sib here. They sound like little shits, some righteous actions should be upheld.
GG: DO! NOT!! SUPLEX!!! CHILDREN!!!!!!
TG: have u ever suplexed a kid jane? cuz i havent and i fuckin wanna
TG: they look so fuckn suplexable nd a lot of them are fucksticks so might as well serve em some good ol shut the fuck up bitch
GG: This is why I can't bring you people anywhere.
TG: sorry mommy
TT: Forgive us, mother.
GG: I'm giving you people burnt cookies.
GT: Will i be getting burnt ones too? I didnt suplex anyone.
GG: You get a pass.
TT: I saw a lot of brats and didn't suplex them either, Jake can testify for me. Plus, Roxy started it.
TG: you mcFUCK what kinda bro dumps his siblin under the buss for cookies
TG: actually dont say shit
TG: idn do the fuckin same to u
TG: any enbie would kill for janeys cookin
GG: First off, that is incredibly sweet Roxy thank you. Second, they may have started it but you agreed with them Dirk. You are both guilty of encouraging violence towards children.
TG: :(((((((((
TG: how can i make it up 2 u janey pwease ill do anyhting fow u
GG: Then perish.
TG: OH MY FUCK
TT: Please stop talking to Dave.
GT: JANE OH GODS
TG: I AM MOTHER FUCKING DYING
TG: HOLY FUKSCO JESFUSDAKLJD DKGALKJ
TG: ALKSDFJ AMERIAOHTNCAFJMALKDFJALAKFLJNEOIEAJKDHGGALOQUTOJGNKAJFA;;']S]]]\];.]001]\/\]\A]F/C/AEW].CA]WE/LA;LKFLAJSGOAMG
TT: You know what.
timaeusTestified[TG] banned tipsyGnostalgic[TG] from responding to this memo!
timaeusTestified[TG] banned gutsyGumshoe[GG] from responding to this memo!
GT: Now that's not very up to dick, Dirk.
TT: ...
timaeusTestified[TG] banned golgothasTerror[GT] from responding to this memo!
TT: For no man is voluntarily bad; but the bad become bad by reason of an ill disposition of the body and bad education, things which are hateful to every man and happen to him against his will.
TT: Plato, Timaeus.
timaeusTestified[TG] banned timaeusTestified[TG] from responding to this memo!
They've just about mixed a whole fucking tub of bleach when Jane calls out.
"Cookies!"
Jake jumps to his feet and rushes out of the bathroom. Dirk leans out of the tub and yells at him. "Get us two plates each English!"
"Get some milk too!" Roxy shoots their brother a smirk. "Just for me of course."
"Nah, cookies ain't shit without milk. I'm getting myself some of that white liquid action too, sib."
"I don't know bro, can your little unevolved body take it?"
"Fuck lactose intolerance," Dirk gets out of the tub and sits in front of Roxy as they've motioned. "That shit's not gonna stop this man from getting the full experience of Jane Crocker's cookies. It'll be a fucking dishonor to not only her, but the whole motherfucking universe." He sits still at the hands parting his already bleached hair and the brush coated in bleach. "I'm a fucking model citizen, I can't not follow the sacred rule that keeps us all together, Rox. I just can't. It keeps our society in check and the darkness docile. It is a duty we all share, you, me, and Jake especially, and I take to it with so much fucking gusto people wonder if I was born for this shit."
They hum and half listen to his rambling. He doesn't stop even as Jane and Jake enter the bathroom with two bowls overflowing with cookies, four glasses, and a jug of milk. Jake settles against the tub and joins Dirk in his hypothetical world where eating Jane's cookies with milk is a civic duty and single-handedly stops any form of unrest in their society. Jane interjects here and there talking about her own policies as the benevolent ruler and goddess of the cookies. She kindly feeds Roxy said cookies when they pout in her direction, dipping it in the milk at the state approved time it should be there.
Their conversation tangents to the bullshitery of the past month or so. They pat Dirk's shoulder and Jane moves to replace him. The four of them bitch about professors that think they're above the rules, papers that never seem to end in both amount and stupidity, and classmates that incite thoughts of murder even in the mind of the gentle beefcake Jake English.
Roxy flicks their wrist not holding onto the brush. "He's just a fuck-nut of an asshole ya know? What kinda fucker assigns you three papers on a topic he only brushed on and expect you to extrapolate a different approach on the theories and concepts in there? I mean, fine, self-fucking-study or whatever but the sources for this shit is obscure as fuck! I had to hack into some big-ass libraries and research documents to get something! And I can't credit them without admitin' to hackin' into some big places!"
"I do hear you there, chum." Jake sighs. "They expect us to use references from less than five years ago yet all of the papers you find are nothing but poppycock! None of them agree on anything and the only ones with solid data about the cultures we're studying and looks even remotely true is from decades ago."
Jane hums and tries to move as little as she can as they spread the bleach deeper into their roots. "Hearing your source-crediting woes makes me feel happy that laws and such very much still refer to older cases and studies."
"Same here. At least when we find out new shit in programming, the old ones are pretty much obsolete." Dirk says. "Still though, professors at the top of my bitch list are those who make mistakes then when you point 'em out they get pissed. Like, fucker, I'm just helping you the fuck out. You'll get blamed to hell and back when your students fuck something up. They'll point their fingers at you and say 'It was them that taught us to use that code backwards and using leet speak.' and you'll just live with that. That'll be your legacy, backwards and leet code professor."
"Oh man, had myself a professor like that once. Got the names of a couple of cultures mixed up, never heard the end of it from his colleagues and students." Jake extends a cookie towards Roxy's mouth and they gratefully take a bite.
"Oh wait, I feel like I know this dude." They say around a mouthful of cookie. "I got a gen ed with this one chick that bitched about the dude. Said the guy was a prick too, or something."
"Sort of. He politely takes in your correction then turns around and completely ignores it."
"Yep, prick."
"Speaking of fucking pricks," Jane mutters heatedly. The other three don on varying comical expressions of shock, Roxy even going as far as fainting backwards and gasping loudly. She swats at their leg and they dissolve into snickering. "I had the absolute misfortune of getting the Red Hypo in my ethics class. He is much worse than they say he is."
"Does the dude really wear red everyday? Like," Dirk picks up the bottle of red hair dye and waves it, "fire-truck red?"
"Yes and it is an eye-sore. And you wish you could just not look at him, but no you just can't. It's not because he commands attention, it's because you can't help but look at him and fantasize on how to shut his damn yapper!"
"He is what tumblr thinks SJW's are." Roxy sighs.
"He's worse!" She jerks her spine straight but a pat from Roxy has her settling again. "He speaks against the mistreatment of minorities but gets on any damn chance to blame them for being oppressed so he can keep licking the boots of the authorities. Can you believe he said the gender inequality in the workplace is just a myth? 'Men might look more approachable and look more competent than a woman, but it doesn't stop the other from still getting jobs and a fair work environment!' What the fuck? Despite my general dissolution with the human populace, I didn't think some people still thought that!"
Dirk lets out a low whistle. "Damn, red man really lives up to his name huh."
"Damn, fucking straight. Even outed his little brother in front of the class and said that it would do him good or whatever the fuck."
They all cringe at that. "Dave wouldn't take kindly to me outing him. Even if he was brandishing all his naked baby pictures, he'd rather be the one to say it."
"Yeah, same for Rosie. I'm pretty sure she would deck me if I outed her without her consent. Don't even care if she looks like a flaming lesbian from the victorian era, she would fucking destroy me. Her girlfriend won't be far behind either." Roxy says with a slight grimace. "Actually, fuck that. If I ever out her without her consent I'll just kill myself. Or ask one of y'all to do it."
"I will offer my services; unwilling but I shall keep my mate's honor." Jake says solemnly, a hand pressed against his chest and a serious expression.
"Same here, sib." Dirk does his best to bow while inside the small tub.
"I'm not murdering any of you." Jane says with a shrug. "Someone needs to deal with the legal matters of all that death. I'll wiggle you all out like little Jadey would when she was young." Roxy pats her away and moves off the toilet onto the floor. Dirk moves to replace them and grabs himself a pair of plastic gloves and the bleach.
"Speaking of that little scamp!" Jake exclaims. Roxy smiles at his fond and proud expression as he talks about his little sister. They think of themself and if they have the same look when they talk about their little sister. Probably. It's more likely than not, really. Jane has the same expression for John, if with a little bit more exasperation mixing into it. Dirk as well, though he tries to hide it in an air of nonchalance.
They all devolve into catching up on stories about their siblings and by the time Dirk finishes with their hair they, inevitably, move onto reminiscing their childhood. They're back on the toilet with Jake in front of them when he retells the time he and Jade made friends with a pack of wolves.
They all help Jane with the next batch of cookies along with some muffins while waiting for the bleach to set right. Jane would be pressed to call what they were doing 'helping' but she appreciates it nonetheless. They trudge back into the bathroom to wash out the bleach once the timer on Roxy's phone goes off. They all settle; Roxy on the toilet picking up the first hair dye they mixed a while ago, Dirk on the floor in front of them, Jake leaning against the tub, and Jane in front of Dirk with nail polish that matches the color about to be slathered on his hair.
She holds out her hand and waits for Dirk to ready himself for the prolonged physical contact. He rolls his shoulders and places his hand on hers. She hums and starts painting his nails the same fiery red as the dye Roxy is spreading into his hair. They fill the air with nonsensical chatter, just throwing topics and jokes at each other to see what sticks and roll with it. Once the nails on both of Dirk's hands have been painted, she blows lightly at them. She sees his fingers twitch then he shakes them lightly to dry faster. She squints at his face -without shades on at the reasoning that it would get dye and bleach on it, honestly none of them are wearing their usual eyeware for the same reason- and wonders aloud, "Should we get some lipstick to go with this too?"
"First off Crocker," Dirk pokes her nose carefully, "you're a bit too close in the sphere of Dirk Strider Space to be cómoda for this hombre."
Jane smiles apologetically at him and leans back on her hands. Jake comes up behind her and rests his chin on her shoulder, squinting at Dirk's face as well. "Lipstick would be pretty, won't it mates?"
"I mean, fuck yeah. We can all rock that perfect shade of neon on our lips and shit but like, this ain't me and Rox's place. No offense Janey, but you don't have good make-up nor do you have the right shades."
Roxy hums and runs their hand once through his hair. They pat him and he stands and settles into the bathtub just as Jane takes his place. "Eh, even if we were at our place and I had all my wild-ass make-up I don't think I have-" They pause in rinsing off the red dye from the brush and scrunches up their face in thought. "Actually, I think I do have the colors we're using. Though the shade that's prolly not the right shade is the one for me." They flick the water from the brush and goes back to the toilet. "Neon blue-green isn't a common lip color, y'know." They dip the brush into the bowl and starts to work on Jane's hair.
Jake picks up the green dye and squints at it. "So you have something similar to this? I wouldn't think you would own some bright green lipstick."
"S'not mine." They mumble. "It's Rosie's gf's. They visited a few weeks ago and the kid forgot it at our place. Texted 'em about it but Rosary just said it was fine so yeah, new lipstick."
"So it's been used by your sister's lady love. Don't you think it would be an indirect kiss if you use it?" He smirks and waggles his eyebrows. Jane snorts at how weird it looks on him, especially with his freshly bleached hair. He picks up the nail polish matching the dye for her hair and settles in front of her. "Now I don't think she would take kindly to that, Rox-o."
"It would be double weird knowing that Rose and Kanaya share their make-up." Dirk pipes up from the bathtub. "So it'd be like an indirect kiss from both Kanaya and Rose." He lets out an exaggerated shudder and scrunches up his face comically.
"Okay! First off!" Roxy flicks their hand in their direction, letting a several drops of hair dye splatter. "I would never kiss KanKan without both of their explicit permission! And second!" They pause and Jane glances back to see the disgusted face they had. "Never make me think about kissing my baby sister. I've seen her in her diapers and picked up after her laundry. Nothing about her will ever be appealing to me in a sexual or romantic way."
Jake laughs and Dirk hides a smile in his arms. "I do know that feeling Roxy!" Jake scrunches up his face. "I don't see how there is a trend of older siblings finding their younger sister appealing."
"Ah, the sister complex." Dirk sighs. "Applied by people who never had younger siblings and realize how terrible the brats can be."
"Like, I've heard some blokes say they wished they had little sisters to dote on or see their underwear and all that nonsense. I can't even imagine it, I grew up with little Jade and I've seen her through everything. I see her underwear and all I can think of is if it's laundry or she just forgot to put it away." He makes a gagging nose. "Even had an old mate tell me he wished he lived with Jade and see all her vulnerables."
"Is that the dude you punched the lights out of?"
"Yeah, broke his nose and all that."
"Weirdo deserved it." Jane sighs as the other two hum. "I had a similar experience with John. A senior started obsessing over him and kept trying to befriend me to get with him. I wouldn't have cared but she was known for being... pushy and doing anything to get whatever she wanted."
"Oh, you've told us about her before." Roxy says. "Jesus, how did Johny boy react to that?"
"He thought he should be flattered but that was a load of toxic masculinity. He was uncomfortable throughout the whole thing and forced himself to smile it off. Should have decked the girl, really." She mutters.
Dirk pats her arm. "We can find her and give her some well deserved and belated smack-down."
She snorts and waves her hand at that. "I'm just glad she's away from us. Though I did hear stories of her trying to use her alumni status to meet up with some of the freshmen in our old school." She grimaces at that.
"Give us her name and we'll hack into her shit and destroy her." Roxy offers, patting her head. She stands up from her spot and moves away to sit on the edge of the bathtub. Roxy settles onto the floor as Dirk rinses off the dye from the brush.
"I'll think about it."
She watches him settle on the toilet and get to work on his sibling's hair. "Where do you think the blokes we met in high school are now." Jake mumbles. He picks the proper color for Roxy and flashes a sly smirk her way. "Hopefully not living a life as predatory as the little lady you knew."
She snorts and they devolve into gossip about old friends, foes, and acquaintances. Most of their information comes from Facebook posts with a good dose of feeling varying degrees of second hand-embarrassment, because really it's Facebook. Most of the posts there would make any self-respecting person cringe. Even her, a person who mainly uses that as her social media platform, finds it embarrassing.
Soon enough they dissolve into stories from high school and all the mischief they took part in. Dirk and Roxy had an unending amount of anecdotes, from hacking into the school’s computer and changing grades and personal records of students to breaking into the elusive boiler room of their school. Jane shared more than a few stories of her own. It was always a shock to people when they found out her prankster streak. She’s regularly seen as a straight-laced, rule abiding student and learning about her love of pranks always gave them great confusion. Jake had little stories to share since he spent half of his years of high school home-schooled, but he did have one too many stories of accidentally breaking school property.
They shuffle again into new positions once Dirk finished coating Roxy’s hair with a bright blue-green. Roxy settles on the toilet again with the brush cleaned and by the side, Dirk lounges in the bathtub, Jake sitting still in front of Roxy, and Jane sitting in front of Jake holding the appropriate color of nail polish. They spend their time again simply talking and laughing as Jake gets a headful of green.
Dirk and Roxy stretch themselves over the couch as Jake and Jane make themselves comfortable on the floor and armchair respectively. The TV is hooked up to Dirk's laptop and playing Barbie as The Princess and The Pauper as their brightly colored hair dried in the fresh air. They were going through the barbie movies on YouTube and they all decided to start off with the movie that was their favorite. Jake wasn't much for movies, if he had to he preferred to watch action movies; Indiana Jones having a special, if subjected to much criticism from himself and his little sister, place in his heart.
Once the credits were rolling, Roxy disentangled themself from their brother and sat up on the couch. "Wha'd'y'all wanna have for lunch?"
"One of these days your contractions will murder me, Roxy." Jane murmurs. "Also, it's 4pm."
"Yeah, nah still lunch. We just ate cookies and muffins 'round noon so we didn't have lunch. Now we can have it, can't skip meals and all that."
"'Not skipping meals' means eating them at the appropriate time, dear, not moving what the meals are called when you forgo them."
"Not how it works in the StriLonde household, Janey-poo."
Jake pokes their leg and smirks up at them. "Ah ah ah, but you're in the Crocker-Harley abode. You must follow our rules or face exile."
Dirk snorts, face still free of shades but it sat by the collar of his shirt anytime he wants it. "Your gallant heart won't let that happen. Our crimes are but a cultural misunderstanding and can be easily smoothed over through civil talks. I promise to keep my sibling in check for our cultural sharing to go as smoothly as possible."
Roxy scoffs and lightly smacks his leg. "You can't hold me down, DiStri."
"You won't be able to get desert if you leave." Jane murmurs as she sets up the next movie.
They scrunch up their face and curses at that. Dirk pats their arm and stretches to reach his phone on the table. "Back to Rox's question; what do you guys want for lunch- dinner with respect to the CrockLey household." He fiddles with his phone before offering a suggestion. "Chinese?"
"Absolutely not." He and his cousin chorused.
"Pizza?" Roxy suggests. "Our usual is open today, I'm pretty sure."
"Sorry RoLal but I kind of want some rice, tonight." Jane says with very little apology in her voice.
"So chinese." Dirk repeats.
"Again, mate, absolutely not." Jake sighs. "Do you want fried rice cousin or something to go with it too?"
Jane tilts her head in thought. "I'd love to have something with it. Do you think we can get some good Paella delivered to us?"
The rest of them make happy noises at that. "Most of the good Paella we know are only dine-in. The ones that do deliveries aren't the greatest. How do you all feel right now?"
Jane hums in thought for a second as Dirk answers him first. "Po."
"A." Roxy says.
"Cantaloupe." Jane answers with a shrug. "You?"
He waves his hand dismissively but a sharp look from Jane has him sheepishly smiling. "Paw."
She nods at him, satisfied. "I suppose Roxy and I are the ones in the best state at the moment, we can brave a bit of people for now." Roxy groans at that and drapes themself over her. He and Dirk snicker lightly at Jane lazily batting them away. "Oh hush you big baby, we have to be the big kids for now. These two have already done their part this morning and you can't expect them to do it again."
"Being the hero for these two losers isn't as rewarding as doing it for you, babe." They whine. Dirk jams his foot into Roxy's face and the two have a good sibling scuffle on the couch resulting in both of them almost falling off a total of three times.
Jake moves away from the siblings and shows his cousin his phone. "I've been meaning to try these stores for a while now, this seems like a good opportunity."
Jane scans the list on his phone with a high hum. "I've heard about some of these. You sure they have take-out?"
"Yep, checked their pages and everything."
She gives back his phone with a shrug. "You make a point. Which do you want to try tonight?"
He hears a soft thud and looks around to see Dirk halfway off the couch. "We could just order one from different stores for each of us." Roxy suggests. "We can test a lot o' 'em at once with that."
"I agree with Roxy on this." Dirk says from the floor.
Jane nods at the idea. "That's settled then. Now choose which of them you want."
They settled their choices in short order and sent each of the stores a text. Once their food has been placed they focused back onto the screen, only a quarter of the way through Barbie as The Island Princess. Sometime later Jane gets up to start more prep for their dessert and Dirk goes to help. Their orders come by in separate times; Jake's coming first, then Dirk and Jane's, and lastly Roxy's. They wait for all of them to have a styro or paper box filled with Paella before diving into their food.
Several bites in Dirk is the first to make a face. "This isn't bad but why the fuck is it moist."
Roxy snorts before offering up some of theirs to him. "This one ain't bad either. There are better but at least it ain't," they pause and leans in closer to him, "moist."
He pushes away their smiling face. "Nah, I can live with this. Just threw me off guard a bit."
"Still, might as well note that down for future references." Jake says around a mouthful. "Speaking of opinions on these."
They start talking more in-depth about their respective Paellas. They make comparisons to others they've had and rank them. Once they've finished their meals with varying degrees of satisfaction, Dirk helps Jane bring out the small cake they baked. He gave each of them a slice but didn't bother getting them forks, they were just going to eat them in the most heretical manner anyway. They have a bowl of icing to the side where they dip the torn pieces of cake. Jane still looked at them with mild disgust and concern but after years of seeing it and reluctantly participating, she's learned to keep her cake-eating manners rants to herself.
They let the movies play and Dirk somehow convinces them to watch My Little Pony: The Movie. He may or may not have slid on his shades so they wouldn't see just how much it moved him. They move on to Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom for Jake, a movie he knows Dave would have so much opinions on. He reminds himself to resume Googling some good films schools for him and decent scholarships. Then Twilight: Eclipse as "A tribute to my lovely little sis and her goth vamp gf." He glances at Roxy at smiles at how much more relaxed and content they are, though they still look somewhat forlorn and makes a note to set up a good ol' StriLonde family video chat. They wind their night down with a good, relaxing watch of Hunger Games. Jane was already dozing off so he offers to stop the movie so they could all go to bed.
The cousins look at each other and tell him and Roxy to stay where they are. They both disappear further into the apartment and they continue absently watching the movie. Several minutes later the CrockLeys come back into the room with armloads of pillows and blankets. They throw them onto the floor and at the two of them with much fanfare. "Are we really sleeping here?" Dirk asks with a raised eyebrow.
"Yep!" Jake chirps. He pushes the table back and makes enough space for two people. He gestures for him and Roxy to leave the couch and moves it to the side after they acquiesce. Dirk glances at his sibling and they answer with a shrug and large smile. The two of them help the cousins fix up the living room for all of them to sleep in. They pile the blankets and comforters properly then haphazardly throws down the pillows all over the floor.
With their makeshift bed arranged, they settle on it and play some random movie sitting in Dirk's laptop. They chat over the movie about nothing at all, winding down the day with the comfort they've built around themselves. Slowly, their voices patter out into soft breathing. Before he slips into unconsciousness -Roxy's arm around his waist, Jake's snores filling his ears, Jane's hand lightly laying on his hair- he thanks whatever he can for this motley group and neon hair dye.