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John’s night starts, as it usually does, with two beers in his grip, handing one off to Karen, who immediately starts gulping it down. One of Karen’s many talents is drinking her weight in liquor and never suffering the consequences.
“What are you watching?” John asks. He doesn’t watch much TV, but Karen’s always got some weird shit playing that he finds himself getting immersed in.
“Fuck, I don’t know. I guess it’s about this couple who like, moved off grid, but they’re real shitty at it and their dogs are dead. They thought wolves ate them but this expert guy is like, ‘Um, I think two of your dogs went feral and ate the other one and then like, left!’ so I guess that’s their conclusion.” She takes another sip of her beer and sets it down on the messy coffee table.
A man with an impressive mustache and cowboy hat appears on screen, talking about water filtration systems. Rivers. Something like that. John leans back into the couch and drinks, eyes trained on the screen, though he’s hardly paying attention.
“John, you’re getting a call.” Karen nudges John’s leg with her elbow, practically shoving his phone into his face. “Answer it, your ring tone’s annoying.”
“It’s Johnny Cash,” says John, instinctively. Ring of Fire’s a classic, but Karen listens exclusively to Father John Misty, so whatever. “Why’s Javier calling me. It’s fucking… Oh, it’s 7.”
He picks up and is greeted with a loud, “Motherfucker!” on the other end of the call.
“Okay,” replies John. “What’s wrong with you?”
“John, Johnny. I, uh, I’m at Davey’s. And I’m… fucking wasted, so, like. Can you. Be here. Oh, also, Trelawny’s here! He’s high as shit though. ‘Lawny, say hey, it’s Johnny.”
Very faintly, John hears, “Hello, Johnathan.”
“It’s John, both of you.” Karen snorts at that. John pays her no mind, getting up and looking around for his keys. “Josiah need a ride, too?”
“Nahh,” says Javier. John finds his keys right as Javier asks, “Can you come?”
“Yeah. Sit tight, man, maybe drink some water. I’m gonna hang up.”
“Okayyy.”
John presses the end call button and tosses his phone onto the couch while he pulls on his boots. “Ah, fuck, you got Davey’s address, Karen?”
Karen nods. “I’ll text it to you. Hope Javi doesn’t puke in the back of your car.”
“Wouldn’t be the first time,” John sighs. He grabs his phone again and heads out to the parking lot. Davey’s place is only ten minutes from their apartment, driving, and John passes the time just silently listening to his GPS, smoking out of a small crack in the window.
He arrives at Davey’s and enters through the back. He’s only been here a handful of times, but he at least knows which apartment is Davey’s. He knocks on the door and waits for someone to answer.
Thankfully, it’s Josiah, red-eyed and visibly faded. He doesn’t say anything, for once, just smiles weirdly and opens the door fully, extending an arm like he’s welcoming John into some fine establishment rather than … Davey’s.
He steps inside, reluctantly. Sees Javier slumping over on the couch. “Javi, you ready?”
“Yeah,” Javier says, prying himself up from the worn leather sofa. His hair-tie is hanging by the very end of his ponytail, big jacket just draped over his shoulders instead of actually on him. At least he has his shoes on fine, John guesses. “Bye, ‘Lawny.”
“Be seeing you,” Josiah says, waving Javier off and closing the door behind them.
Javier mostly stumbles down the hallway until they reach where John parked, then he hangs off of John’s arm.
“Jesus, you’re no better than Swanson.”
“Nooo.”
John laughs. “You’re right. Swanson at least does his heavy drinking in the comfort of his own home. Why are you even hanging out with Davey? He’s real… skeevy.”
Javier shrugs. “Good drinks. No, no uh, Bud Light. Or that shit Jenny buys. And, well, Trelawny was there, and he ain’t skeevy .” John opens the car door for him and Javier slides into the seat. “Smells like… cigarettes.”
“Can’t imagine why. You drink any water, like I told you to? I probably have some back there.”
Javier shakes his head, but doesn’t bother with checking. Okay. John gets into the driver’s seat, turns the car on. Backs out of his spot and onto the road. He turns on the radio, switches it to something more tolerable than modern country.
The ride back is, thankfully, uneventful. Javier talks a lot about nothing, mostly grumbling about all he drank and how much he’ll regret it in the morning. At some point, he closes his eyes and relaxes into his seat.
“We’re home.”
“Yeah?”
“Why would I say that if we weren’t? Come on, Karen’s up. She hasn’t seen you since like, Wednesday.”
Javier hums, getting out of the car and waiting for John to walk with him. “Karen’s good. She’s… so cool.”
“She is,” agrees John. “Could do without being sexiled every three days, though.”
They make it up to their apartment without incident, welcomed inside by Karen and the same weird show playing loudly on the TV. Javier gives Karen a very lazy hug, Karen pushing him off and complaining about how drunk he smells almost immediately. Javier frowns, but turns to John to hug him instead.
“Get him to bed, the sooner he sleeps and is able to shower the better.” With a short nod, John does an awkward shuffle into Javier’s room with the smaller man still attached to him.
“Lay down, I’ll get you some water.”
“No, come on, lay with me. I’ve got water somewhere in my room…” Javier blindly rummages through a pile of things on a chair and finds a half-empty bottle of water. “See?”
“You’re ridiculous,” says John, but complies with Javier’s wishes. This is not the first time a drunk Javier has requested this, and probably won’t be the last, but they don’t usually talk about it after the fact so it doesn’t matter.
Javier lays on his side, with John tucked into his chest. John feels awfully warm like this, but doesn’t say anything. Whatever gets Javier to sleep.
“You gonna leave when I fall asleep?”
“You want me to?”
“No.”
“...You want me here, sober, too?”
“Always want you here. I’m just. You know. Hate… Sayin’ shit. Want you to just know. You know.”
John does. Javier… he’s very subtle, in his affections, wants John to just understand what he means, but John almost never does. John’s an idiot and Javier’s not very helpful for it.
He holds onto Javier’s shirt. “Okay. Then I’ll stay.”
That’s that, then. Javier drifts off and John follows soon after, the sound of Javier’s heartbeat lulling him to sleep.
When John wakes, he’s greeted with an empty bed before him and a slight sinking feeling in his chest that he pays no mind to. He gets up and leaves Javier’s room without wasting a second, not wanting to think about the night before and what the morning brought.
“You sleep in there?” Karen asks, startling John as he was expecting her to be at work.
“Yeah,” he says. “Javier…”
“He said he’s going for a jog, I guess. He’s gonna have to shower again when he gets back. I swear, he’s the sole reason our water bill is so high.” John’s lack of response makes her frown. “Uh, you want a beer?”
“It’s 10am.”
“It’s Labor Day,” Karen says, and John’s pretty sure that Labor Day was in September, but what does he know? He grabs a beer off the counter and uses the edge of the countertop to open it. “You okay?”
John nods. “I’m… confused, I guess.”
“Ain’t that your usual state of being?”
“If I wanted to be bullied, I’d call Arthur.” He sighs, downs half of his drink, and hands it to Karen. “You staying home today? Let’s find a show, or something.”
Thankfully not pressing further, Karen says, “Oookay.”
They end up watching the same show as last night, and while they’re watching the beginning of another episode Karen catches him up on what happened in the last one. Apparently the couple allowed their dogs to kill coyotes, which made them all bloodthirsty. The one that died was either killed by a big cat or the other two dogs. Their water was clean, and they had turkeys now.
John was happy for them. Well, kind of, ‘cause the dog thing probably isn’t ideal, and he’s never seen a turkey that wasn’t loud and annoying. But he was happy that they were happy, at least.
They watch the show for a few hours before Javier gets home, two grocery bags on his arm and bottled water in his other hand. “Hey, guys.”
“Hey,” both Karen and John say in unison.
“Ran into Molly at Pearson’s. Said she might come by with subs, or something.”
“Oh, shit, I should probably get dressed then,” says Karen, jumping up faster than John had seen her move the whole day.
It’s cute, how much she likes Molly. Molly seems to return the feelings, too, but neither of them are totally sure about any sort of reciprocation. It’s like the plot of a Disney movie, or something.
“John,” says Javier. “I... How are you?”
“I’m okay. You feeling alright? You… drank a lot,” he tries.
“I’m good.”
“Okay.”
“Well… be seeing you.”
“Okay.”
John grunts. He probably should’ve expected this, but he was dumb. It’s fine. Everything is like usual, at least, with Javier dancing around everything and John unsure how to get him to stand still. He looks at the TV and pretends to be fully immersed in this couple’s failing garden.
It works fine enough.
Abigail visits from New Mexico with Sadie and Jack. They’re all a pretty happy bunch, and Jack’s gotten bigger since John last saw him.
“You’re how old, now?” Javier asks him, and Jack looks up from his weird, almost-furby toy to put up four fingers. “You’re an old man! You’re gonna have to start paying taxes soon, eh? Or are you gonna ignore and lie on them like your dear old Uncle John?”
John hits him. “Hey, be careful who you go sayin’ that to! Little guy might be undercover for the IRS, you never know.”
“I don’t have any money,” says Jack, and he stands up. “Momma, can I have Paw Patrol?” he asks, shoving a tablet into Abigail’s hands.
“You let him watch that kind of propaganda, Abi?” Javier jokes, picking up the ugly toy that Jack has now forgotten. He takes one look at the creepy face and hands it over to John.
“Don’t worry, we make him watch plenty of documentaries about the criminal justice system to make up for the… cop puppies,” says Abigail. “All cops are bastards, right, Jack? Even the pups.”
Jack doesn’t respond, fully immersed in his show.
John’s happy to see him, even if the kid’s not very talkative or interested in him. The whole ‘Uncle John’ thing was kind of a trip, the first time, but he’s pretty happy with where he stands in the boy’s life. The Cool Uncle suits him way better than The Barely Mediocre Dad.
“How’s the middle of nowhere?” asks John. Sadie comes back from the car with a giant bag – presumably full of snacks and toys and whatever for Jack – over her shoulder in time to answer with Abigail.
“Better than up here, that’s for sure. When we visited Dutch and Hosea, we had to park at a parking garage like, 15 minutes from their place because there were no spots anywhere. How do you manage to go anywhere in this city?”
“We go to shitty places where no one else wants to be,” Javier says. “Dutch and Hosea are crazy, I can’t imagine living someplace like that. Especially with how Hosea’s… well, you know. Getting to a doctor in that area must be a nightmare.” John looks over at Abigail at the mention of Hosea’s health. It’s a rough topic, and Abigail seems to be on the same page as him.
Sadie nods. Changes the topic pretty quickly, which John appreciates. “We’re having lunch with Lenny and Jenny tomorrow before we fly out, too. And Jack’s excited to have Tilly and Mary-Beth come and visit next month. It’s the season for reunions or somethin’.”
“Those four… they’re all like, 6 years younger than me and have their shit more figured out than I ever will,” John remarks, still turning Jack’s toy in his hands. “You, uh, seen Arthur?”
Abigail gives John a half-hearted smile. “He’s doing well, John. Charles is livin’ with him, which seems to be workin’ great for them.”
“I’m… glad,” says John. “We still ain’t on the best of terms but… At least he’s doing okay.” Javier puts his hand over John’s. John doesn’t flinch away, though it takes a conscious effort. “Er, anyway. Karen and Molly are probably on their way. We getting pizza, or something?”
John talks to Arthur maybe once every three months, usually when he’s on the phone with Charles and he asks John to speak to his brother. It’s small talk, normally, avoiding the elephant in the room until one of them comes up with an excuse to hang up. Or getting all passive-aggressive with one another until they get too annoyed to keep talking.
It’s apparently a theme in John’s life to dance around problems he has.
Hosea getting sick was probably the biggest thing to end their friendship, dumb arguments about hospital visits and if they would eventually move him into a place where he could be taken care of 24/7. In the end, they realized it’s neither of their decisions, and it’s up to Dutch and Hosea how they want to deal with everything.
Unfortunately, neither of them were mature enough to get over the initial fights and their relationship has become… non-existent. Arthur’s lung collapsed about a year ago, which he’s still obviously recovering from, and John has felt pretty useless for not being able to help at all.
At least he’s got Charles, who is a real pillar of strength for everyone involved. He’s also probably the only person that knows the whole of all that happened between them.
All Javier, Karen, Sadie, Abigail, and everyone else knows is that it’s an awful sore spot for the both of them.
“How’s Charles?”
“You were just on the phone with him,” says Arthur. John tries not to sigh too loudly. “He’s fine. How’s Javier?”
John’s brows furrow. “Why are you asking about him?”
“You randomly brought up Charles. Figured we were talking about each other’s partners for no reason.” John can hear the clicking of a lighter in the back. He wants to scold Arthur but it’s not his place.
“Javier ain’t… my partner. Seems we’re both too dense to figure out how to fix that.”
“I don’t doubt that,” mumbles Arthur. “You try talking to him?”
“Oh, you’re one to talk about communication,” bites John without thinking.
He can practically hear Arthur’s grimace. “You just call me so you can guilt me about shit? ‘Cause you’re not exactly Mr. Problem Solver either. Fuck off, John.”
Scrubbing his hand over his face, John sighs again. “I didn’t mean… Can we just forget I said that? You know I’m trying.” He’s itching for a smoke now, but he left his cigarettes in his car.
“You care to talk about Javier?”
“No, but I have a feeling you’re the only person who will give me the like, cold, hard truth, or whatever. So.” John stands up and rummages through the kitchen junk drawer for a loose cigarette. Finds Tilly’s old keychain and couple thousand Taco Bell sauce packets. Great.
“Have you tried talking to him?”
“No...”
“Have you even considered talking to him?”
“...No. Well, kind of, but, I mean. You know how he is. Gets embarrassed or panics or whatever and just leaves. Or becomes unresponsive.” He’s realizing now that he probably could’ve talked to Javier if he stopped giving him openings to just leave.
Maybe next time Javier invites John into his bed, he’ll lay on top of him like a weighted blanket and trap him there until John wakes up or something.
“Nothing gets done unless you… talk. It ain’t rocket science, John. I know I ain’t the one to be lecturing you on talking about your feelings, but. You gotta figure it out sometime,” says Arthur.
John closes his eyes. “I guess you’re right. Uh, I gotta… Karen’s calling me, so.”
She’s not, but John doesn’t have anything left to see.
“Let’s… I’ll be seein’ you, John.”
“Yep,” John says. Hangs up. Sets his phone down on the counter.
That was… okay, he guesses. He had an actual conversation with him, which is a step in the right direction. First one in a long time.
It ain’t all bad.
Javier’s draped himself over John’s back. He smells like shit, and his slurred rambling in John’s ear isn’t making it any better. His breath smells like Coors. And he likes to pretend he has good taste in beer.
“Johnny,” he says, “you’re sooo… far… Get over here.”
“I could not be closer to you if I tried.”
“No, no. John, you’re here like. With me. But you ain’t with me. I said, remember I said I always want you with me? Well you ain’t.”
His stomach sinks. That’s – God, he hates this. He’s gonna destroy all the alcohol in the state. Maybe then they’ll be able to figure their shit out like normal human beings. “I don’t…”
It’s the same night as his phone call with Arthur and he had planned to actually talk to Javier tonight. But he got drunk with Molly and Karen and Sean Macguire (who John didn’t even know Javier was friends with, on account of how goddamn annoying the guy is.) and that whole plan was over.
“I’m so tired, Johnny.” Javier squeezes him and buries his face in his shoulder. “Why… You’re so gone, man.”
“Okay, Javi, let’s get you to bed, alright?” says Karen, coming up behind them suddenly. Javier just nods tiredly and goes with her. John doesn’t even turn around to watch them leave.
His back feels cold, and his heart is just… Damnit.
Javier carries himself and presents himself as a very confident, smooth, and charismatic person. John knows better than anyone that that isn’t the case. If it were, they’d probably have gotten together years ago. Or maybe not, ‘cause John likes Javier in all his awkward and dumb moments, too.
Javier’s just as scared as John is, which makes for no progress in their relationship. And it’s tiring, too, because John wants Javier to be all affectionate like that all the time, and when he finally gets it, it’s like nothing ever happened the next day.
The next morning Javier is surprisingly still at home, but he doesn’t have much to say. John’s standing on the porch with the screen door open, peering into their kitchen where Javier sits with his shitty little iPhone 4 in his hand.
John turns around. His view from their balcony is a big brick wall. He thinks it’s a warehouse, or something, but he’s never actually seen anyone come out of it. He takes a drag from his cigarette and nearly coughs his lungs out.
He should probably talk to Javier. Like, if there was a time to do it, it’d be when they were alone in the apartment, right? Karen will probably get home in a couple of hours. He should talk to Javier.
Fuck.
He takes a deep breath. Turns back around. Javier’s drinking his third cup of coffee for the day, probably playing Candy Crush or something on his phone.
“Hey, Javi,” John says. He puts his cigarette out on the edge of the balcony and steps inside. “You up to… Uh… Can we talk?”
Javier sets his phone down. “What’s up?”
“Are you, uh. Like…” Not a great start. “Are we…? Do you… feel… about me… like, romantic, or whatever?”
Javier’s smiling. Why is he smiling? “Sorry, what?”
“Do you have feelings for me? Or, or, are you just. Like, what, man?”
He kind of wants to throw up, but it’s fine. Javier stands up and walks over to John and something in John’s peabrain tells him that he’s about to get decked in the fucking face, so he backs up.
“Hey, hey, calm down, right?”
“Can you just fuckin’ talk , Javier?” John’s not sure why he’s getting so irritated. Not how he imagined this going. Not that he thought very much before deciding to talk now.
Javier’s smile fades, but he starts talking, at least. “I do. Have feelings for you. But I ain’t… you know I’m no good at being direct. Figured you’d get it.”
“I didn’t, clearly,” mumbles John. Javier’s got a bad habit of assuming John knows all that goes on in his head. “You… when you’re drunk, you get so affectionate, and you get all mopey and annoying and sappy, too. But then it’s like… I wake up alone and you’re not even home . And when you come back and it’s like you’re not there. What was I supposed to think?”
“...I’m sorry,” says Javier. He steps closer to John again and takes his rough hand into his own. “Guess… you should think that I’m an idiot, but you still like me anyway, right?”
John laughs. “Yeah, I do. Against my better judgement…”
“If you start bullying me now, I’m never kissing you.”
“Wouldn’t want that…”
Javier leans in and lets John close the gap between them. It’s – John doesn’t even know. All he knows is that he’s really, really… happy. His heart feels like it’s grown twice its size in his chest. Javier’s hands rest on John’s hips and John just leans further into him.
“Well, ain’t you two just the happiest couple there ever was,” remarks Karen from her spot on the couch next to Molly. Molly’s got her head resting against Karen’s shoulder, and John can tell from all the way in the kitchen that they’re holding their hands on Molly’s lap.
“You’re one to talk,” says Javier. He’s cooking some weird shaped pasta for them, with John attached to his back. Oh, how the tables have turned, John thinks.
He doesn’t hear the rest of Javier and Karen’s conversation as he looks at the TV. It’s the offgrid rescue show again, the end of some episode where the family is talking about how much better life is now that they’d been helped by the experts. The daughter is showing off her newly successful garden.
John closes his eyes and kisses Javier on the shoulder. Javier stops talking about whatever he’s talking about and turns in John’s arms to give him an actual kiss.
He’s pretty happy.