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“First days are the hardest,” his mother tells him before he boards the train that’s going to take him to Seoul. “People can be terrible, and mean, but you ,” and she hugs him a little tighter and presses a kiss to his forehead. “You are beautiful, and special, and no one can take that from you.”
It’s easy to believe something like that when he lives in Namyangju, where everyone knows everyone and every new school year doesn’t quite feel like something different, just feels like another year of seeing your friends in a new classroom and with new teachers.
But now? Now he’s standing in his new dormitory room in Seoul and feels something close to panic bubbling in his throat.
The room itself is a small thing, a double that has two beds pushed to either ends of the room, with a desk and cabinet next to each bed. His roommate has already moved in, as indicated by the neatly-made bed and two pairs of shoes lined against the wall on his side of the room. Soonyoung takes in the functional white sheets, the single holder of mostly black pens on his desk, and imagines a stern, unamused roommate that’ll probably spend all his time frowning and telling Soonyoung off for being so messy.
In contrast, Soonyoung pulls out his brightly coloured Pokemon-themed sheets and gets around to setting up his side of the room. In his head, he draws an imaginary line down the middle, and carefully maneuvers himself so that he and his ridiculous antics don’t end up messing up his roommate’s side of their shared space.
It only takes half an hour for him to empty his suitcase, clothes haphazardly pushed into the closet and bed made, stationery and books all laid out on his desk. The panic is still there, but the motions of getting himself settled in has quieted it to a soft hum, and he sits at the edge of the bed and watches his socked feet scuff against the tiled floor of the room.
Oh god , he thinks to himself. What if he hates me?
Seokmin had reassured him before he left that no one could possibly hate him. That he was “The Kwon Soonyoung you idiot,” and the way Seokmin had said it with a grin had made Soonyoung believe him. “No one is immune to your charm. You guys are going to be best friends in no time.”
The breath he takes is shaky but helps to clear the tightness in his chest somewhat. “It’s going to be fine,” he whispers, tracing the outline of a Pikachu on his bedspread. “If he hates me that’s fine. We can just not talk, and not hang out. It’ll be fine. ”
That’s the exact moment the door rattles, and swings open to reveal a tiny boy with large headphones on, bobbing his head to whatever he’s listening to. Soonyoung immediately jumps to his feet, startling the boy into ripping his headphones off.
“Hi! I’m Kwon Soonyoung!” and he’s aware that he’s probably grinning like a madman and yelling a bit too loud but he sticks his hand out for a handshake anyway. “I’m your new roommate? I think? Or I could’ve walked into the wrong room? But the door unlocked with the key I was given so there probably wasn’t a mix up. Or maybe there’s another Kwon Soonyoung on campus? Then maybe there was a mix up and I’m actually in the wrong room. But anyway hi! Until someone comes in to tell me that I’m the wrong Kwon Soonyoung I guess I’m your roommate!”
His roommate looks, well, a little terrified (and in retrospect, Soonyoung can’t exactly blame him, what with his rambling and almost manic grin). In between one breath and the next finds his roommate frowning at him like he can’t believe he has to live with a maniac for the next year or so, and Soonyoung’s hand is still outstretched between them and oh god he’s made such an idiot of himself and -
“Uh hi,” his roommate finally responds. “Lee Jihoon. Freshman. Nice to meet you I guess?”
And then he turns, and leaves Soonyoung’s handshake hanging.
Well that’s awkward.
So Soonyoung hurriedly pulls his hand back and tries to will away the embarrassment burning the back of his neck. “So! Jihoon! What are you up to? What kind of music do you like? What courses are you taking? Maybe tomorrow we can -”
“I’m just - let me make something clear Kwon Soonyoung,” Jihoon interrupts, turning to him abruptly, causing Soonyoung to take a step back at the sudden action. “We aren’t friends. You’re my roommate, which I only have because they wouldn’t let me room with the sophomores that I already know.”
Ouch , and Soonyoung feels the words like a physical blow to his chest. That kinda sucks.
“So. You keep yourself to that side of the room, and I will keep myself to my side of the room. And as long as no lines are crossed, we’re going to be fine.”
Jihoon doesn’t wait for a reply, just grabs his stuff and shuffles out of the room after his declaration and lets the door swing shut behind him, leaving Soonyoung staring, a little lost and feeling like he’s about to throw up his dinner.
It feels like an eternity later, but he finally finds it in himself to take a deep, shuddering breath.
It’s fine.
It’s fine .
If Jihoon doesn’t want to be friends then, well, they won’t be friends. Soonyoung won’t be a nuisance, will keep to his side of the room, will be as unobtrusive as possible and make sure he doesn’t cross any lines. But the pep-talk doesn’t help the swooping sensation in his stomach, the unhappy churning that’s left him feeling like his skin is pulled too tight and like everything has taken on a sad grey hue.
God his roommate is a dick . He tells Seokmin all about it when he calls him that night, about their first encounter, about how absolutely mean Lee Jihoon is, about how Soonyoung hates him to the moon and back.
“The nerve of the asshole!” Seokmin yells sympathetically over the phone line, and Soonyoung wishes he could reach over and give his best friend a bone-crushing hug (Seokmin’s hugs always made him feel better).
As it is, it gets late and Soonyoung reluctantly tells Seokmin that he has to go. “I can’t be late to classes tomorrow,” and Seokmin murmurs an agreement over the call.
“You’ll make other friends hyung. Better friends. And then you can move out and stay with them instead!” Soonyoung laughs at the optimism in his tone and hums noncommittally.
“We’ll see Seokmin,” and abruptly misses his best friend something fierce. “Goodnight Minnie, thanks for staying up to talk to me.”
“Anytime hyung.” The yawn that Seokmin tries to stifle makes Soonyoung feel bad for keeping him up. “Tell me all about your day tomorrow! I’m really excited for you hyung.”
I wish I was excited for myself too , Soonyoung thinks when the call ends and he’s left staring at the ceiling. But I am beautiful, and I am special, and no one, not even a terrible, stupid roommate, can take that away from me.
Jihoon doesn’t come back to the room that night, and the next morning finds his bed untouched and belongings unmoved.
Soonyoung tries to tell himself that he doesn’t care. Jihoon is just another person. It’s only for a year, then Jihoon can move in with his other friends and maybe Soonyoung can get a single room or find someone else who can put up with him and really, it’s just for a year.
That makes it better, somewhat, and he heads to classes for the day with a happy little skip in his step.
College is, well. It’s college, where everyone tries too hard on their first day and doesn’t quite try hard enough in their senior year.
Soonyoung feels a little lost in the large campus, fingers gripping the straps of his bag tightly as he walks through the people filling the hallways. Everyone seems to know someone else that’s here. People are chattering on as they walk together in small groups of two’s and three’s, and there’s something about the noise and the crowd that makes him feel ridiculously tiny and like he can’t quite breathe properly.
“Hey,” someone taps him on the shoulder, and he spins around to find someone he doesn’t recognise smiling at him.
“Uh, hi!” Soonyoung immediately perks up, grins. Offers an unsure little wave. “I’m Soonyoung! Do we - uh. Do we know each other?”
“No,” the boy laughs, and the first thing Soonyoung notices is the line of earrings running down the shell of his ear. It’s a weird thing to notice, sure, but he can’t help but find the way the rings move and catch the light with this boy’s laughter strangely mesmerising. “I’m Hong Jisoo! I’m here to help you out on your first day of school!”
“Oh!” and Soonyoung looks around, confused. “Do freshmen get someone to help them out on their first day of school?”
“Nah,” Jisoo grins, and shoots him a quick wink. “Just the cute ones.”
Soonyoung immediately feels himself blush and stammer out something that could’ve been either “No I’m not cute what are you talking about” or “Wow you’re really handsome” which results in an incoherent mess of words that makes Jisoo laugh as he pats Soonyoung on the shoulder.
“I’m just kidding,” and Soonyoung is ridiculously thankful when Jisoo cuts off his absurd rambling. “I heard you might need some help navigating our maze of a school so I figured why not? Come on Mr. Kwon, let me show you around our glorious campus.”
Over the course of the tour, he learns that Jisoo is a sophomore, and mostly hangs out with Seungcheol and Jeonghan, who he gets to meet when Jisoo shows him to the cafeteria.
“The food sucks but it’s cheap,” Jeonghan informs him wisely, and Soonyoung nods but can’t quite meet his eyes because wow Jeonghan is probably the most gorgeous person he’s ever met.
Seungcheol is immediately all “Call me hyung!” and “I can’t believe I have another dongsaeng, I’m going to collect them all!” which makes Soonyoung resolve to talk about Pokemon with him one day because he’s maybe 95% sure that that’s a Pokemon reference. Maybe .
As he and Jisoo end the tour at the arts building where Soonyoung’s classes are going to be held, he asks Jisoo what Seungcheol meant about having another dongsaeng.
“Oh we have another freshman that we know, but don’t worry about it,” Jisoo says with a small grin. “You guys will probably become friends soon enough.”
That is when they turn the corner to the classroom and bump into one Lee Jihoon, who looks between the both of them and glares.
“Hong Jisoo,” he hisses between his teeth, and if Soonyoung could be killed by a look, he’s pretty sure he’d be dead on the floor at this point.
But Jisoo is unaffected, just offers him a charming smile and says “Jihoonie! How great to see you here!”
Jihoon punches Jisoo in the arm as he stalks out of the classroom, and Soonyoung gulps nervously at the interaction. “Uh, that’s my roommate,” he offers unhelpfully. “Sorry, I’m pretty sure he hates me already.”
“Oh does he?” Jisoo says, but the grin on his face says that he knows something Soonyoung doesn’t. “Ah don’t worry about Jihoon. You know what they say about tough exteriors!”
Soonyoung just laughs a little nervously, the tightness in his chest at bumping into Jihoon loosening somewhat. “Thanks so much for everything hyung, this has been really helpful. I don’t really have any friends so for you to show me around -”
“You’re welcome Soonyoung,” Jisoo replies with a smile, and Soonyoung is suddenly reminded of Seokmin back home who always had a grin ready for whenever Soonyoung felt down. “Go on for your class. We can meet up for lunch if our schedules line up!”
He feels his nerves start up again when Jisoo walks out of view and peeks into the classroom, finding it already half filled. Everyone is already sitting in pairs, and happily chatting so he slips walks along the edges of the room and slips into the first empty seat he finds somewhere near the back.
It’s five minutes before his first class starts that two boys fill the seat right in front of him, and the taller one turns around to shoot Soonyoung a smile that screams trouble. Soonyoung decides immediately that he likes him already.
“Hey! I’m Wen Junhui, and this brooding middle-aged dude is Jeon Wonwoo,” which earns him a punch in the shoulder from the guy sitting next to him.
“I’m Kwon Soonyoung,” he offers in reply, and sticks a hand out for Junhui, who, to his relief, immediately reaches out to shake it.
“Ooh, callused fingers,” and Soonyoung has never seen anyone do an eyebrow waggle the way Junhui does (he finds himself mildly impressed by the skill). “You good with your hands?”
“ Oh my god ,” Wonwoo groans into the table. “Will you stop flirting for like five minutes?”
Soonyoung giggles at the interaction, which earns him a wink from Junhui. “Oh but Wonwoo, it’s all a part of my endless charm!”
Soonyoung learns that the two of them are roommates. (And wow , couldn’t he have had a nicer roommate like Junhui? Instead he’s stuck with downer of the year Lee Jihoon.) Despite the easy camaraderie they have, where Junhui says something ridiculous and Wonwoo pretends to hate it, they’ve actually only met yesterday, and have “Proceeded to get along like a house on fire,” in Junhui’s words.
“I’m pretty sure my roommate hates me,” he tells them with an unhappy twist of his mouth.
“You?” Junhui replies, all mock-affronted and scandalised. “Where’s the witch? I’ll burn him at the stake!”
And as is Soonyoung’s luck, Lee Jihoon settles into the seat next to Soonyoung with a loud thump and an unamused glare at Junhui. “Who are we burning?”
Soonyoung is struck speechless by the sudden appearance of his roommate that he doesn’t have time to signal to Junhui to shut up before he helpfully supplies, “We’re burning Soonyoung’s roommate. Would you like to help?”
The silence that follows is deafening, and Soonyoung wants to curl up in a ball and die .
Thank god then, that at least one part of his day goes right, when their conversation is cut short by their professor walking in and going “Alright students, time to get this party started!”
“Maybe later then,” Junhui whispers all serious as he turns back to his desk, and Soonyoung immediately feels like the temperature of the room drops by ten-degrees.
He’s maybe starting to consider just going back to Namyangju and just living out the rest of his life as a farmer.
Life settles into some kind of routine. He wakes up alone in the room, and usually apart from the slight indentation left on the pillow of the other bed, he can’t tell if Jihoon stayed overnight or not. Some afternoons, Jihoon will come back to the room while Soonyoung’s already back, and he sneaks in and out quietly while Soonyoung self consciously sits ram-rod straight at his desk and makes sure not to make a faux-pas.
Somedays Jihoon is already in the room when Soonyoung gets back. He makes sure to be quiet, walking along the edges of the room until Jihoon notices him and packs up to leave, then Soonyoung gets the room to himself and it’s not entirely terrible either.
“I feel like I’m living with a ghost,” he tells Seokmin during one of their weekly calls. “A very small, terrifying ghost. One misstep and it’ll strangle me in my sleep, that kind of ghost.”
Seokmin hums and then pulls a face. “It’s fine though right? It’s better than if the both of you were constantly fighting. Or if you were constantly being sexiled.”
Soonyoung glances at the post-it note he’s holding in his hand, where Jihoon had scrawled UR MUSIC IS 2 LOUD and left it on his desk. “I have no idea where angry post-it notes fall on that spectrum.”
“Probably closer to being friends than being complete enemies,” is Seokmin’s thoughtful reply.
The bright yellow post-it is slightly crumpled from being held for so long, but all Soonyoung can really think about is the way Jihoon curls his capital L’s. He’d fallen asleep the previous night with his earphones in and still blasting the music he’d been thinking about choreographing for his dance team audition piece. Apparently it’d led to Jihoon being unable to sleep, if the post-it note is any indication.
“You should leave a note for him in reply!” Seokmin continues. “Something like U R A DICK , or uh -”
“ Y CAN’T WE B FRIENDS ?”
Seokmin immediately bursts into laughter, and Soonyoung immediately feels a smile tug at the corners of his mouth.
That night, Soonyoung scrawls SORRY on a bright pink post-it note and leaves it on Jihoon’s desk.
When he wakes in the morning, the note is gone. Instead, there is another square of yellow on his own desk that says IT’S FINE .
Progress, he texts Seokmin, with an accompanying picture of the post-it note and him pulling a sad face in the background.
Seokmin’s reply is a string of middle finger emojis, which he snickers at. He can see Jihoon glaring at him from his periphery, and has to resist the urge to stick out his tongue at him; Soonyoung can be an adult when he tries.
Junhui is frantically waving at him from across the dance studio, which makes Soonyoung beam as he weaves between the various clusters of people to get to him.
“Fancy seeing you here Mr. Kwon,” and it’s accompanied by a mock bow that Soonyoung reciprocates.
“I didn’t know you dance!”
Junhui offers him a sly grin. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me.”
The studio is almost fully packed, the seniors clumped together and whispering amongst themselves, while the freshmen are crowded together on the furthest side of the room.
“I’m excited to see your performance,” Soonyoung grins at Junhui, who scoffs and waves him off.
“I’m just reusing one of my old dance performances. If I’d known you were auditioning as well then I would’ve asked if you wanted to perform together.”
Soonyoung can’t help but smile at that, at the thought that someone would be willing to audition with him. He hadn’t been able to sleep the previous night, but out of fear of keeping Jihoon awake, had hidden out in one of the common dormitory rooms while he practised short segments of his performance again and again.
“I've heard that they're pretty desperate so they'd take anyone that tries out,” Junhui whispers to him while a senior that introduces himself as Taemin explains how auditions are going to work. “I'm banking on that to get in.”
Which is all utter bullshit when Junhui gets called up to perform. He’s so incredibly graceful, all long limbs and a heavy gaze that's one of the most captivating things Soonyoung’s ever seen. The entire studio falls into this strange trance as Junhui spins and ducks and flies across the studio floor, and for the entirety of two minutes Soonyoung swears that they've been transported to another dimension.
“ Oh my god ,” he breathes when Junhui bows to the applause in the room, the blush on his face betraying uncharacteristic shyness. “That was amazing!”
Junhui just laughs away the praise. “I didn't even choreograph it myself, it's just an old piece I performed years ago. I'm all stiff and old now.”
Just as Soonyoung’s about to correct him and insist that he's much better than he gives himself credit for, his name gets called and the nerves turn to lead in his stomach.
“You're up Mr. Kwon,” and Junhui shoots him a smile that Soonyoung finds strangely encouraging. “Knock us out yeah?”
He doesn't remember much of his performance, and later all he can recall is the pounding in his chest that rings in his skull, and the way the music had sounded, tinny and a little staticky in his ears. But it must have been somewhat okay either way because there's the roar of applause and he somehow finds himself walking back to Junhui in a daze.
“Kwon Soonyoung,” Junhui laughs, eyes shining and smile bright. “ Oh my god you talented asshole!”
And Soonyoung just laughs at that, grin never leaving his face even as Taemin says “Everyone’s in! Congratulations!” Smiles his way through the myriad of people that come up to him and praise him for his performance, and feels a little giddy with the adrenaline and the feeling of success warming him from the inside out.
That evening, when he gets back to the room and watches Jihoon quietly shuffle out, he doesn’t stop grinning despite the confused glare that his roommate shoots at him.
“What’s wrong with you?” Jihoon murmurs from the doorway so quietly he almost misses it.
Instead he turns and beams brightly at his roommate that maybe? kinda? hates him and says, “I got into the dance team!”
“I heard they take anyone,” he mumbles somewhat grumpily and leaves without another word, but Soonyoung can’t even find it in himself to be upset because of how amazing he feels after that performance.
That night, he dreams of the school auditorium and him jumping and spinning on stage, and there’s nothing but bright lights and faceless people burning the edges of his vision.
On Mondays and Thursdays, Soonyoung eats his lunch with Seungcheol, Jeonghan and Jisoo. The three of them always grill him about classes, about his professors and his classmates. They take a particular interest when Soonyoung brings up his roommate, so he tries to subtly slip in small complaints whenever Jihoon does something that rubs him the wrong way, like sticking post-it notes on the pile of clothes he’d left at the foot of his bed.
“I was going to get to it,” he tells them with a pout, and Jeonghan laughs and ruffles his hair fondly while Jisoo leans into his side.
“I’m sure you were Soonyoung,” Seungcheol tells him placatingly, and then offers him some of his leftover fries which Soonyoung happily eats despite already finishing a huge bowl of ramen, and any annoyance at his roommate is almost immediately forgotten.
On Tuesdays and Fridays he gets lunches with Wonwoo and Junhui, with whom he’d formed a tentative friendship. Junhui has stopped flirting at him between every breath, but there’s something about the way he clings to Wonwoo with this absent grin on his face that makes Soonyoung smile knowingly at their interactions.
Wonwoo still plays the long-suffering friend to Junhui’s insanity, but after weeks together Soonyoung’s learnt to watch the way Wonwoo is always angled towards Junhui when he talks, or how Junhui is always touching Wonwoo, either with an arm over his shoulder or pressed against his side. And he’s happy for them, happy for his friends who are besottled and crushing so hard that Soonyoung is surprised they’re still pretending that nothing’s going on between them.
“Wonwoo barely puts up with me on a good day,” Junhui tells him a little forlornly, which makes Soonyoung roll his eyes because he’d literally just had to sit through Wonwoo talking about how he “Isn’t interesting enough for Junhui.”
“You’re both idiots,” he tells Junhui, and just laughs at his affronted sputtering.
On Wednesdays, he doesn’t have time to eat, has to rush straight from one class to the next, so he always tries to pack a little something before he goes to class.
On a Monday four weeks into the school term, Soonyoung finally asks about the other freshman that the three hyungs know, but they share some sneaky glances and never say very much except you’ll know soon enough .
“Does he perhaps not want to meet me,” he asks them all wide-eyed and worried.
“He definitely wants to meet you,” Jeonghan comforts him. “He’s just a bit too much of an ass to get his head on straight at the moment. Cheollie will go talk some sense into him tomorrow and we’ll see him at lunch on Thursday.”
“Oh, okay,” but Soonyoung wants to tell them that if this strange freshman really doesn’t want to have lunch with him he’s okay. He’s found friends in the three sophomores and his two classmates; nothing really needs to change.
Jihoon joins them at the lunch table on Thursday.
“Uh,” Soonyoung says, fumbling with the burger in his hand and not entirely sure what to say. “ Uh .”
“Food’s gonna fall out of your mouth at this rate,” Jihoon mumbles grumpily under his breath, but his ears are burning bright red and the three hyungs sitting opposite them are sharing knowing grins.
Oh my god , he thinks to himself, horrified at all the times he’s complained about his roommate to the others, but Jisoo just grins at him.
“Soonie, meet Jihoon,” which earns him a glare from Jihoon. “Hoonie, play nice .”
“We’re roommates hyung,” Jihoon bites out, before going back to his food. “And I’m not a goddamned child .”
Soonyoung catches Jeonghan rolling his eyes at the words, and doesn’t quite know what to do with the strange tension at the table that’s pushed all five of them into various states of silence. Because Soonyoung is a dumbass and deals badly with awkward silences, he blurts out “My favourite Pokemon is Charizard.”
That startles a laugh out of Seungcheol, who leans in and pokes him on the nose. “I always thought you were more of a Pikachu guy to be honest,” which Soonyoung wrinkles his nose, affronted at.
“Well, I mean, I’m not that predictable,” which Jisoo laughs at and suddenly the strange awkwardness dissipates and Soonyoung feels like everything’s, well, not entirely right but pretty okay nonetheless. Even as Jihoon sits in his corner and glowers whenever one of the hyungs tries to drag him into the conversation.
A week later, Jihoon actually nods in response to something Soonyoung says and he can’t help it, he beams .
Progress! he texts Seokmin again. This time, Seokmin replies with a string of the flexed bicep emojis.
Soonyoung likes to think he and Jihoon have reached some kind of strange stalemate. He’s pretty sure, pretty sure , that Jihoon doesn’t quite hate him anymore, at least not in that all encompassing I will skewer you with a pencil kind of way he’d hated Soonyoung in the beginning.
Once, he’d mumbled a joke under his breath when Professor Kim says something and he swears Jihoon huffs out a laugh at what he’d said.
Oh , he’d thought then. Jihoon is really cute when he smiles.
Which, isn’t a new thought, but it’s always been in the abstract. Because it’d always been tempered by the fact that this kinda cute kinda good-looking guy that he shares a room with is also this asshole that he barely sees.
But now with the tentative friendship and the occasional shared smile, Soonyoung starts thinking about eyes that squint a little from the force of a grin and little quirks of lips and he swears bright red has never quite looked as good on anyone else.
“Seokmin. Seokmin ,” he whines during his weekly call with his best friend. “He’s so cute. But I still feel like he wants to kill me most days.”
“You’re a dumbass,” Seokmin laughs at him and seriously , he needs to find a better bestfriend who won’t laugh in the face of his misery.
Seokmin just fake pouts at him when he voices the thought out loud.
“Aw, but then who will put up with your dumb ass?”
Which, true , but also rude.
Soonyoung falls asleep at his desk one evening. Glasses still on, light from his desk lamp hitting the side of his face. But he’s so burnt out from the mix of dance rehearsals and the upcoming exams that he just ends up laying his head on the table and falling asleep right there.
The next morning he wakes with a crick in his neck. When he stretches, his arm is completely numb, but there’s a blanket draped over him, the light on his desk is off and his glasses are placed to the side so that it’s not completely destroyed in his sleep. There’s a warm cup of coffee on his desk, with a familiar yellow post it note that just writes DUMBASS and Soonyoung can’t help but smile.
The end of the semester exams comes and goes quicker than he can imagine and suddenly Soonyoung is free .
“We’re hosting a party at our place this Friday. You’re invited,” Jisoo tells him, and Soonyoung worries his lower lip between his teeth.
“We’ve got dance rehearsals on Saturday morning, I can’t show up hungover when recital is only two weeks away.”
“Don’t worry about it my dear freshman,” Jeonghan says with a wise nod. “Jimin, Kai and Seulgi are all going, so you’re not going to be the only one hungover during rehearsals on Saturday.”
That’s that apparently, because on Friday he’s dressed in a comfortable pair of jeans and an old graphic shirt and knocking on Seungcheol, Jeonghan and Jisoo’s door. (He still has no idea how the three of them managed to get a shared room for three. He’s only heard stories through the grapevine that it involved a skateboard, copious amounts of alcohol and massage oil, so he figures that not knowing might be better for his sanity.)
“Welcome Soonie!” Seungcheol yells into his ear, and the music in the small apartment is deafening. It’s also so crowded that Soonyoung swears at least half the campus is cramped into the small room, and he nervously shoots drunk Seungcheol a smile.
“Sure seems busy,” he tries to yell above the bass shaking the room, but Seungcheol doesn’t hear him and ushers him in. He grabs a cup of something from Jimin who’s passing by and urges Soonyoung to drink it.
“It helps,” he tells Soonyoung, with all the wisdom of a man who’s probably seen and been far too sober during previous dorm parties in his first year. So Soonyoung takes the plunge and finishes the cup, staggering a little when the world spins a little at the edges.
“Easy there tiger,” Junhui sidles up to him and steadies him with a grin. Seungcheol is gone from his side, which makes Soonyoung frown, but Wonwoo is soon next to him with a slight frown in his general direction.
“You okay Soonyoung?”
“Peachy,” he replies and then bursts into laughter because who even says that?
His cup keeps getting refilled throughout the night, probably by Junhui who keeps disappearing and reappearing at his side the entire night. Wonwoo has them sitting in a corner of the room as they watch people around the room chat and flirt and dance.
At some point Soonyoung finds himself in the middle of the living room dancing to Tubthumping (of all goddamn songs) and has to get pulled off the side when some people start chanting Strip! Strip! Strip!
“You’re an idiot,” the guy who’s pulling him away yells at him over the sound of people screaming along to the lyrics.
When he can finally blink the world into focus, he finds one Lee Jihoon with a hand wrapped around his wrist and frowning impressively at him.
“You’re such a downer,” he thinks he says to Jihoon, but it might also be unintelligible because Jihoon’s face goes all pinched, like he has no idea what to say. Instead, Soonyoung sticks his tongue out at Jihoon because he’s been dying to do that at least once.
Now that he’s not being held up by the crowd on the dance floor, Soonyoung is suddenly aware of how much the floor is swaying beneath his feet, and how much of his incredible skills it’s taking for him to remain upright in the face of the tilting universe. The rest of the night passes by in snippets. Junhui appears at some point and drops a wet, smacking kiss on his cheek that Soonyoung giggles at, and then he’s propped against a very small but sturdy walking crutch and he’s hollering the words to Tiny Dancer along the quiet street.
“Oh my god you’re so loud ,” the tiny crutch complains, but Soonyoung ignores him and keeps singing.
He wakes up on his own bed, curled around Jihoon. For a moment all he can focus on is how his entire head feels like a bruise, and he panics and sits up too quickly when he realises that he’s probably late for dance rehearsals.
“Oh no oh no,” he keeps murmuring under his breath as he fumbles for his phone. To his relief, he finds that dance practice is cancelled and falls back into his bed with his vision still swimming. Jihoon sleeps through all of that, just curls tighter against Soonyoung’s side and the warmth starts to lull Soonyoung back to sleep. He decides that he just really needs to sleep, and that he can freak out about falling into bed with Lee Jihoon when he doesn’t feel so much like death after.
When he wakes up hours later, head feeling like it’d been used to drive a nail into the wall, Jihoon is nowhere to be found. All that’s left is a glass of water and two pills and that blasted yellow post-it note that says EAT ME .
He upchucks all the contents of his stomach in the bathroom, comes back to the room and takes the pills and resolves to freak out about -
Well whatever it is he’s supposed to freak out about. He can’t exactly remember.
For now, sleep.
He’s pretty sure Taemin is working them extra hard because of the whole party fiasco that led to having Saturday rehearsal being cancelled. In fact, he’s working them so hard that the last week of classes coupled with the gruelling rehearsals somehow feels worse than the period where everyone was juggling school, exams, and rehearsals.
It’s so terrible that Soonyoung forgets to get lunch before classes on Wednesday, and spends the entire day with his stomach aching in protest both from the lack of food and the million crunches Taemin had insisted everyone do the day before.
“I think I’m dying,” he tells Junhui, who just pats his back sympathetically and clutches at his own stomach in agony.
Wonwoo shakes his head at them, and Soonyoung closes his eyes, trying to will away the groaning. Maybe he could slip out of classes for a bit and just get a little something -
“Hey,” and it’s Jihoon who settles into the next seat with a thump, before something smacks the side of Soonyoung’s face.
“ Ow, ” he groans miserably, but bolts upright when he sees the box of bread and cupcakes on the table. He picks it up gingerly and looks at Jihoon incredulously. “Did you - Is this?”
“For you,” and Jihoon’s ears are burning bright red, eyes seemingly glued to the front of the class. “You overslept so I figured you didn’t manage to get your lunch for today.”
“Oh my god,” he hears Junhui whisper, but Soonyoung is busy being so touched he feels like he could cry.
“You’re my favourite person, honest to god ,” Soonyoung tells him earnestly, and looks lovingly at the box of food that is cradled in his arms like a precious precious child. “I could kiss you right now.”
Junhui chokes on a laugh, that makes Soonyoung look up immediately, only to find Jihoon looking at him with wide horrified eyes.
“If you try anything, I will deck you,” Jihoon hisses out, but where two months ago that would’ve made Soonyoung shrink away and mumble an apology, now it just makes him grin even wider.
“You’re all soft and squishy inside! Soft and squishy Lee Jihoon,” he teases, and he’s smiling so wide that his face aches with the force of the grin.
“I am not squishy!” Jihoon retorts, which is when Professor Kim enters the classroom with raised eyebrows.
“I really did not need to know that Mr. Lee, but thank you for sharing,” and Jihoon sinks in his chair at the snickers from around the classroom.
He thinks he hears Jihoon petulantly mutter “ I hate my life, ” but he can’t be too sure, he’s too busy stuffing his face with the bread and the cupcakes and trying to stop the warmth in his chest from growing and expanding to bursting.
(Later, he’ll think about Jihoon. Who knows his schedule. Who actually pays attention to when he sleeps, and when he wakes.
He leaves a pack of cookies on Jihoon’s desk with a note that says THANK YOU and finds it gone the next day. There’s a note on his own desk that says PLEASE DON’T MAKE THIS A HABIT .
Soonyoung smiles through the rest of the day, even when Taemin makes them do a hundred pushups for no reason at all.)
Their end of semester recitals come around, and Soonyoung feels the usual thrill and exhilaration of performing curl in his gut. He’d started dancing back home, had taken classes with Seokmin who’d had a moment of crazed wanderlust, but it’d been Soonyoung who’d stayed on, who’d found solace in something he never expected to love as much as he did.
It’s his first real performance with the dance team, and he’s going to perform with the rest of the freshmen, and he’s so excited but also just a ball of nervous energy. Junhui is no better at his side, gnawing anxiously at his nail to the point that Momo has to swat at his hands and tell him to stop chewing his fingers down to stubs.
The whole thing passes in a blur. Jimin and Hoseok perform together, something that’s a mix of modern dance and hip hop. Taemin gets a solo that earns him fanatic screams from a group of female students in the audience. Seulgi and Kai make jaws drop as they twist and spin across the stage together and bow to raucous applause. The freshmen perform their number to wolf whistles, and the whole group of them ride the high out to the ending number, which gets the entire dance team a standing ovation from the audience.
Soonyoung is flushed from the excitement and joy of it all, keeps grinning and hugging whoever he comes across, and soon finds his friends in the crowd that is slowly filtering out of the school auditorium. To his surprise, he sees Jihoon there as well, standing awkwardly between Jeonghan and Wonwoo, but the sight of his roommate makes Soonyoung grin even wider as he rushes up to them.
Jeonghan keeps wiping at his eyes and calling both Soonyoung and Junhui his babies . Seungcheol is like a proud father, constantly gushing and waving his phone which he’d used to “Take a thousand photographs”, while Jisoo offers both Junhui and Soonyoung hugs that he immediately recoils from because “Wow the both of you are sweatier and grosser than I thought.” Soonyoung just laughs at him and fake wrestles Jisoo into another hug.
Even Wonwoo is looking at them in appreciation, and voices out that he’s very impressed, which Junhui grins all happy and soft at before he engulfs Wonwoo in a hug as he pulls him away.
This somehow leaves Soonyoung alone with Jihoon, who is frowning hard enough that Soonyoung worries his expression is going to be stuck that way. It takes a minute, but Jihoon finally says, “Yeah that was pretty okay,” which maybe kills a bit of Soonyoung’s buzz. ( Fine , he wasn’t expecting gushing praises from Jihoon, but he did expect something beyond simply okay .) Something must show in his expression, because Jihoon quickly backtracks and mumbles about not minding coming for the next performance which gets Soonyoung full on smiling again.
(And maybe it’s the post-show adrenaline but he swears Jihoon looks more gorgeous today than usual.)
“We’re off our diet!” Junhui fistpumps, and the three hyungs agree to take them out for fast food after much pleading and puppy-dog eyes.
“I’m only paying for you once because I know you could eat out the entire restaurant Kwon Soonyoung,” Jeonghan tells him, and Soonyoung just smiles at him and links their arms together.
“You’re the best hyung,” to which Jeonghan just rolls his eyes, but he’s fighting back a grin of his own so he can’t be too unhappy about having to pay.
And as the seven of them squeeze together at a table, earning the disgruntled glares of some patrons, Soonyoung finds that he doesn’t quite care . When he presses against Jihoon in the booth seat, Jihoon doesn’t pull away, and something tight that’d been sitting his chest loosens somewhat at the sight of Jihoon just as relaxed and happy as him.
It’s disarming, but it’s also wonderful . It’s easy, it’s simple, and Soonyoung never wants it to end.
School’s out for the semester, and Soonyoung feels a little sad about having to go home. But it’s fine, it’s great even, because he gets to see his parents, and Seokmin. He gets to speak in his weird little dialect and tell funny anecdotes about his friends from school and watch his parents laugh along to Junhui deciding to eat a stick of butter or Seungcheol and Jeonghan adopting him like they’re a middle-aged married couple.
“Sounds fun,” Seokmin tells him, as they hang out at the playground near Soonyoung’s place, and as much as Soonyoung’s enjoyed college he also misses being home something fierce, where he’s always been unconditionally loved and accepted by the people around him.
“It is. I thought I’d hate it but, I really don’t.”
Seokmin smiles at him then, and gets this mischievous glint in his eyes. “So what’s up with your roommate huh? I noticed he went from tiny terror to Lee Jihoon somewhere during the last few weeks of your semester?”
Soonyoung flushes hot at the implications, but he can’t stop grinning as he tells Seokmin about Jihoon.
“I thought he hates me, but maybe he doesn’t? I’m not too sure,” and Seokmin just laughs and grins at the hopeful look on Soonyoung’s face.
“You’re so gone for him aren’t you hyung?”
And yeah , Soonyoung is, because somewhere between hating Jihoon’s guts and falling into this weird maybe kinda friendship with him, Soonyoung’s learnt to look at Jihoon in this strange way. Where he says “You’re an idiot,” but will hand him the work he’d left behind on his desk. Where he rolls his eyes at Soonyoung’s occasional rambling, but will remember when Soonyoung has rehearsals. Where he frowns at Soonyoung from next to him in class, but will write out the answers to the questions that Professor Kim calls on Soonyoung for.
“He cares, but it’s like he doesn’t quite know how to show it,” he tells Seokmin, who raises his eyebrows a little disbelievingly at him.
“Don’t excuse him being an asshole hyung. Even if he does care. He still needs to pull his head out of his ass before I can approve the both of you going out or whatever.”
Soonyoung laughs at that and reaches over to pinch Seokmin’s cheeks. “I like that you think you have any say in who I date.”
But even as he says that and listens to Seokmin’s fumbling protests, he can’t help but be thankful for Seokmin who’s looking out for him, even from miles away.
Soonyoung expects going back to school to be awkward and it kind of is at first when Jihoon is already in the room. But he looks up when the door opens and even Soonyoung can’t exactly remember when he stopped having to tiptoe into the room and skirt around the edges stealthily.
“At least put your shoes away properly christ ,” Jihoon groans with a roll of his eyes, that Soonyoung returns with a sheepish grin as he slots his shoes neatly in a corner of the room.
“Good to see you again Jihoonie,” Soonyoung croons a little, toeing dangerously at the line that he’d mentally drawn between them that first day they’d met.
And there he’s standing, socked feet right along the middle of the room, waiting for a response; everything around him feels like the start of a breath.
Then Jihoon smiles at him, not one of his almost smiles that he desperately tries to hide when he turns away, but all there and present and just for Soonyoung .
“Good to see you too Soonyoung,” and the line shatters and falls into disarray, and the world tilts and then rights itself, and Soonyoung feels invincible .
So he takes a step and crosses that imaginary line to Jihoon’s side of the room, smile on his face and heart in his throat.
It feels like a beginning.
It’s weird. How quickly they go from tentative friendship to inseparable. Jihoon still leaves post-it notes on Soonyoung’s table, and some evenings he disappears and doesn’t return and Soonyoung worries but he doesn’t want to overstep either.
Other times Jihoon will walk with him to class, then walk with him to the canteen for lunch with Seungcheol, Jeonghan and Jisoo, and Soonyoung tries to pretend he doesn’t notice how they keep nudging each other when he and Jihoon swap food from their respective lunches. (It’s not a thing , he just prefers chicken, but canteen sets don’t have ramen with chicken, and Jihoon prefers the pork anyway, so they just swap it. It’s no big deal .)
One Saturday evening, Jihoon tells him about this cafe that had recently opened nearby with really good cake and coffee, and so for the first time, the both of them travel out together to try it. Conversation is a little weird and stilted at first, but they talk about their hyungs and about Professor Kim and it becomes easier as the minutes tick by. The sugar and caffeine leave them both a little sleepless, so Soonyoung beckons Jihoon over to his bed to watch The Breakfast Club together.
And, to Soonyoung’s utter surprise, something different starts up between them.
Jihoon still heads to classes with him on Mondays and Thursdays, and then to the canteen for lunch with their hyungs. When Soonyoung forgets lunches on Wednesday, Jihoon is always there with something prepacked that Soonyoung is eternally grateful for.
Saturday evenings become a thing. Jihoon will have heard of a new place, or Soonyoung will be craving something incredibly unhealthy, and they’d head out together for dinner. Then they’d curl up together on either Soonyoung or Jihoon’s bed and watch a movie, or binge watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and there’s a million and one things that pass by in their conversations that Soonyoung holds close to his chest.
Jihoon thaws out, and Soonyoung grows cooler, less frenzied and anxious all the time. They meet somewhere in the middle, something lukewarm and comfortable and simple, and after more than ten weeks of this, Soonyoung tentatively laces their fingers together when they’re pressed against each other on the bed.
Jihoon curls his fingers around Soonyoung’s hand, and doesn’t let go.
Soonyoung is anxiously waiting at the train station, checking his phone every other minute, until he hears a “Hyung!” from across the platform and waves back at the frantically jumping figure.
Seokmin comes to visit, because he’s figuring out his life and wanted to visit Soonyoung’s college to see if it’s the one he wants to apply to.
“You’re gonna love it,” Soonyoung tells him as he helps Seokmin move his bags into the temporary dormitory he’s staying at for the next two weeks. “I’m gonna show you everything , and -”
“Introduce me to Lee Jihoon?” Seokmin asks, and shoots him a sly grin when Soonyoung blushes red at the implications.
He brings Seokmin over to their dorms, and introduces him to Junhui and Wonwoo who both welcome him as though he’s already decided to apply to their school. Seokmin is practically sunshine incarnate, so it’s no surprise that Jeonghan immediately adopts him as one of his own when Soonyoung introduces him to his hyungs. He notices the way Seokmin almost swallows his tongue the first time Jisoo smiles at him and files that away for blackmail later.
It takes some time to drag Seokmin away from the hyungs who somehow latch onto him like particularly resilient parasites, but Soonyoung finally brings Seokmin up to his room, and throws the door open with a flourish, startling Jihoon who’d been bent over his desk.
“Hey Jihoonie!” Soonyoung calls out, and gestures over to Seokmin. “This is Seokmin. He’s my best friend from back home.”
Seokmin grins and slings an arm around Soonyoung. “Aw, I’m your best friend aren’t I!”
Soonyoung just laughs and elbows him in the ribs, nodding over to Jihoon meaningfully.
“Hi Jihoon,” Seokmin says, and sticks a hand out to shake, that Jihoon takes gingerly.
“Uh, hi Seokmin.”
An awkward silence falls over the three of them then, before Jihoon suddenly rushes to his desk and mumbles something about needing to finish a project as he leaves the room in a rush. Soonyoung watches him go with something like fondness clear as day on his face, and turns to face Seokmin who’s smiling just as softly at him.
“I’m really happy for you hyung.”
It’s a Saturday, so after Soonyoung deposits Seokmin back at his rented place for the afternoon, he heads back to the room and waits for Jihoon to come back so that they can go and get dinner together. But 7pm comes and goes, and soon it’s 9pm and Soonyoung’s stomach is growling in protest.
He’d texted Jihoon earlier, but his message goes unread and ignored, and it’s almost 10pm when Soonyoung finally decides to order in his dinner, even though most of his appetite has already been lost. Something churns unpleasantly in his gut, but he convinces himself that Jihoon’s probably just busy with whatever project he’s working on.
He spends all of Sunday showing Seokmin around, so he doesn’t have much time to dwell on what’s going on with Jihoon. But Monday comes around and Jihoon isn’t waiting for him to head to class together. There’s no post-it explaining it either, and Soonyoung’s day immediately feels a little greyer. Jihoon is already at their shared desk when he gets there, but just nods his head in greeting when Soonyoung wishes him good morning.
He wants to grab Jihoon, wanted to shake him and ask what’s wrong, but Jihoon doesn’t look up from whatever he’s writing, so Soonyoung swallows the question on the tip of his tongue and tries not to let the hurt show on his face.
He tries asking Seungcheol what’s wrong at lunch when Jihoon doesn’t join them. Seungcheol just smiles a little sadly at him and says that “Jihoon’s a dumbass. Give him some time, he’ll get his shit together soon enough.”
After another missed Saturday outing, Soonyoung leaves a post-it note on Jihoon’s table.
HEY ARE YOU OK?
I’M FINE but it doesn’t seem like he is. And he pouts his way through the rest of Seokmin’s visit and feels like shit when Seokmin looks at him pitifully.
“Ah to be in love,” Seokmin tells him poetically, and Soonyoung tells him to shove it because he’s seen how Seokmin can’t seem to stop blushing and stuttering around Jisoo.
When Seokmin leaves Soonyoung feels just exhausted . He feels like he’s done with this terrible roommate who runs hot and cold and who Soonyoung feels like has been stringing him along for weeks only to leave him out to dry.
You are beautiful, and special, and no one can take that from you , and Soonyoung, if nothing, is stubborn . So he resolves to corner Jihoon and force him to just talk to him.
But with exams right around the corner, and Soonyoung busy with rehearsals, and Jihoon proving that once again, it’s possible to share a room and never see each other, it never seems like quite the right time.
And so the gap festers, and grows, and the line in the room now feels like an unbridgeable chasm that Soonyoung doesn’t quite know how to cross.
The year comes to an end, and everyone has their summer break stretching out ahead of them, which means that Soonyoung gets invited to another one of Seungcheol, Jeonghan and Jisoo’s infamous parties.
It’s running late into the evening, and Soonyoung is well on his way to being completely shit-faced. He’s chatting excitedly with Junhui who’s perched on Wonwoo’s lap, when a familiar head of hair shows up in his periphery.
“It’s Jihoonie!” Junhui crows, and Soonyoung feels a stab of jealousy that Junhui clearly has no problem being all familiar with Jihoon while he constantly has to second guess his every action. Jihoon just raises his cup of drink in acknowledgement, and Soonyoung keeps his eyes fiercely ahead because he refuses to be the only one being ignored.
He gets more drunk as the night progresses, and ends up sprawled over someone’s lap, and that person is carefully carding fingers through his hair. When he finally squints against the ceiling lights, he looks up and recognises Jihoon’s face, which makes him frown.
“I hate you,” he tells him, and he tries to arrange his face into something resembling angry but probably comes off as more upset instead when Jihoon freezes and looks away guiltily. “You were all nice to me and I thought we were friends but then you just left and now I don’t know what to do.”
He feels like he’s about to cry, but he’s not about to let Jihoon have the satisfaction of watching him break down, so he pushes himself up clumsily and scrubs at his face.
“You hate me,” he tells the blurry blob in front of him. “I don’t know what I did but you do. ”
He doesn’t remember the rest of the night, but he finds himself back in the dorm the next morning with a glass of water and two white pills on his desk.
It feels, almost familiar, except there’s no post-it note and Soonyoung’s bed feels weirdly bereft.
The night comes back to him in bits and pieces, and he buries himself further in his bed and tries to tell himself that heartbreak is something he’ll have to experience eventually. Better now than later, when he still has his whole life stretching ahead of him, and he has more than enough time to get over it and find someone else, someone better .
(And he believes it, so why do the words just make him feel worse ?)
Soonyoung feels like no time passes at all when the end of the year performance comes around. He’s peeking out at the crowd from backstage, and sees Seokmin sitting next to Jisoo. To his surprise, he finds Jihoon with the group as well; Soonyoung didn’t expect him to come but he supposes he’s here for Junhui since they’re friends at the very least.
The freshmen still perform together, but Soonyoung is exceptionally proud because they’d let him choreograph one of the verses this time, and Taemin had maybe kinda patted him on the back after and told him that he did well.
Everyone cries backstage once the show is over because it’s the seniors’ last performance, and there’s a lot of hugs and tissues going around. When the rush has quieted somewhat, their small little group of friends and Seokmin come over and give both Junhui and Soonyoung hugs and gush about how cool they were and how amazing the show was.
“Wow hyung,” Seokmin says as he pulls Soonyoung in for a bone-crushing hug. “I’m glad I dragged you to dance classes all those years ago.”
Jihoon comes up to them last. He punches Junhui in the arm, and offers him a crooked grin that still gets Soonyoung’s heart racing (but it’s not his , not anymore, and doesn’t that just break his heart). Then he turns to Soonyoung with this resolute set to his mouth.
“I need to tell you something,” he says quietly, and Soonyoung feels something like fear claw at his throat. But he nods anyway and follows him when he leads him out of the theatre.
They walk in silence along the street, street lamps flickering and road empty apart from a few stragglers from the performance. The air is warm, and Soonyoung feels exhaustion settle deep in his bones the further along in silence they walk. He was doing fine trying to get over Jihoon, so why was he making things difficult now?
Jihoon stops abruptly and turns to him, eyes downcast and Soonyoung’s heart leaps in his chest. “The first time I had a crush on someone it was Seungcheol.”
Something like resentment claws at his ribcage and he tries to pretend it doesn’t shake his world as much as it does.
“We’ve known each other forever, so I guess it made sense to me,” he continues, and he stares at something on the pavement and refuses to look up and meet Soonyoung’s eyes. “Falling in love with your best friend? Seemed like a dream come true.”
Is this it , Soonyoung can’t help but think. Is this you trying to let me down easy?
“But then,” and he finally looks up at Soonyoung. “He found Jeonghan, and I hated them for awhile, and I made things terrible. So falling in love is not exactly my strong suit. I don’t deal well with the fallout.”
He wants to say something. Something like I’m sorry or couldn’t it be me instead? but all the words dry up in his throat and he feels like he’ll start falling apart once he opens his mouth so he doesn’t say anything at all.
“And then you came along,” Jihoon whispers, and it sounds like a new story, the end of something sad and the start of something different , and Soonyoung suddenly feels like he can’t breathe . “You came along and you messed up my life the moment you stepped into it and I hated it. But - “
There’s a sharp breath, and Soonyoung isn’t sure if it’s from him, or if it’s from Jihoon, but -
“ - I’ve never hated you. Never ,” and Jihoon says it with this fire, this fierceness in his eyes and in his voice, and god help Soonyoung he believes him. “And you are wonderful , and amazing, and deserve so much better than stupid old me - You’re beautiful, and special, and no one, especially not some dumbass like me, can ever take that away from you -”
The kiss is like a punch, and Soonyoung wants to say you idiot and god I like you too , but instead he just fists his hands in the fabric of Jihoon’s shirt and pulls him closer still. When they break apart to breathe, Jihoon’s eyes are shiny and his lips are spit slick and he’s never looked more gorgeous than in that moment. Something low and warm curls in the pit of his stomach and Soonyoung presses his forehead to Jihoon’s and tries to take a breath.
“I still don’t forgive you,” Soonyoung whispers, voice a wreck for a myriad of reasons, and he feels all shaky and brittle and like he might fall apart at any moment.
“I know,” Jihoon whispers back, just as destroyed. “Guess I’m going to have to spend all my time making it up to you.” And Soonyoung slots their fingers together, and smiles .