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“I just don’t get it!” Kyle exclaimed, throwing his hands up in frustration and looking at Stan as though he was purposefully holding back some magical remedy for the situation.
Stan mirrored Kyle’s gesture and stared back helplessly, half concerned for his best friend and half wishing he hadn’t agreed to come over and listen to him vent for hours on end. Kyle was furious, which always meant that he couldn’t bring himself to shut up.
“Dude, maybe it seriously isn’t him this time.” He suggested, knowing that this would do nothing to stop Kyle from freaking out.
Kyle stopped pacing and gaped, evidently torn between disbelief and disgust that his alleged best friend would even put forward such a ridiculous idea.
“What the fuck?” He said. “Of course it’s him! It’s always fucking him. Besides, he used the word perspicacious and then used “their” when he meant “there”. Who the fuck else would do something like that?”
He grabbed a copy of the school newspaper, the thing he’d been tormented by all afternoon, from on top of his pillow. He crushed it into a ball and tossed it at the wall opposite him. If it was anyone other than Kyle, Stan would’ve rolled his eyes at the melodrama.
“Don’t forget,” Kenny pointed out with a laugh, bringing the desk chair he’d been spinning in to a stop, “he spelled ‘Broflovski’ right. That’s not a skill everyone is blessed with.”
“Ugh, Kenny.” Stan groaned. “Don’t encourage him. Kyle, anyone could’ve just looked that up in the yearbook.”
“It just doesn’t make any sense.” Kyle said, slumping down next to Stan on his bed. Suddenly, all of his vigor had evaporated and left behind only exhaustion and worry.
In spite of his desire to not feed into Kyle’s obsession, Stan sighed sympathetically. Watching Kyle tear himself to pieces over his latest problem was always stressful, and he wished he could do something to distract him.
“Kyle, it’s not a big de—“
“He wrote horrible things about everyone !” Kyle said, cutting Stan off in order to continue broadcasting his concerns. “Why would he say all that stuff about me?”
Stan glanced briefly at the ball of crumpled newspaper that Kyle had cast across the room. He would never have guessed that he could feel such resentment toward a collection of flimsy papers, but this newspaper was different. This newspaper was responsible for the storm currently raging inside of his best friend.
“Kyle, he’s messing with you!” Stan said. “Just forget about it.”
He could never understand Kyle’s fixation on every single little thing that Cartman did, and sometimes he just wanted to shake Kyle and tell him to let it go already.
Without knowing exactly what compelled him to do so, Stan moved to take the newspaper from off of the floor. He wondered if he had somehow missed some huge, life changing detail that would explain why Kyle was taking this so seriously. He unfolded the copy of their high school’s newspaper and flipped to the second page. As Kyle continued ranting, Stan skimmed to the bottom of the page and found a section labeled Candor in bold letters.
Dear Cows,
You all suck so fucking much. Each and every one of you complete fucking assholes are way too caught up in who Kylie Jenner is banging to appreciate the important things. For example, I bet none of you even realized that yesterday was Fried Chicken Wednesday in the cafeteria. This, here, is the folly of man. Still...not all hope is lost, for their is one person at this school who still has some common fucking sense. He can be a handful, you guys, but it’s time to give it up for Kyle Broflovski. That’s because unlike the rest of you dickholes, Kyle actually takes the time to look at the world around him. Butters, you stupid asshole, maybe you could learn a thing or two from him. Anyway...Kyle is pretty cool sometimes. He’s perspicacious and honest, two qualities that we here at Candor hope to embody. Fuck you for being annoying all the time and everything, Kyle, but maybe don’t stop being yourself.
Sincerely,
The Smartest Fucking Kid in School
As Stan finished reading, he felt the same twinge of unease that he’d felt when Kyle shoved the paper in his face that morning. There was something about Cartman fawning over Kyle instead of ripping on him that was just so...weird.
It wasn’t at all surprising to him that Kyle had decided that Cartman was behind the most recent article, because since its first publication six weeks ago Kyle had yelled at Cartman about Candor on no less than twelve occasions. From the first moment he saw the new addition to the paper, Kyle had pinned the blame on his go-to antagonist.
The column had appeared one day, out of the blue, a brand new fixture on the second page of the South Park High School newspaper. The feature’s premise was simple: the writer claimed to have insight into the lives of every kid at school, and he or she was dead set on exposing everyone for the “totally fake assholes” that they were.
Stan, along with everyone else in school, knew that it was clearly Cartman behind the column; that didn’t mean that he wanted to fuel Kyle’s anger by agreeing with him.
“I hate when I don’t understand his motive!” Kyle cried, as Stan tossed the newspaper back on the ground. “It...really creeps me out!”
Up until that point, Kenny had been alternating between scrolling aimlessly through his phone and fiddling with the strings on his jacket. Now he shot Kyle a look, his eyes bugging out of his head.
“Kyle, oh my god!” He said, his voice tinged with annoyance. “I’ve told you a million times: Cartman. Is. In. Love. With. You.”
Kyle instantly glared at him, and Stan actually shuddered slightly. The idea that Cartman’s obsession with Kyle went beyond a sociopath’s warped idea of friendly rivalry was disturbing, but it was looking more realistic by the day.
“He is not!” Kyle insisted. “God, why do you always say that?”
“You’re mad because you know I’m right.”
“Kenny, just drop it.” Stan said. “You’re getting him even more riled up!”
Kyle turned his attention to him, a furious glint in his eye. Stan had to make a conscious decision not to flinch, because he wasn’t used to having Kyle’s fury directed at him.
“Don’t treat me like I’m some volatile child, Stan!” He hissed. “I’m perfectly capable of controlling my emotions.”
Yeah, right. Cartman wasn’t even in the room, and Kyle looked seconds away from hunting him down and punching him in the face.
“I know, I know!” Stan said. “You know what I meant.”
Sensing the mounting tension in the room, Kenny rose from his chair and moved closer to his friends.
“Uh...shouldn’t we going?” He asked Stan. “It’s getting late.”
Relieved by the excuse to escape Kyle’s stress session, Stan nodded at Kenny and forced his face into an apologetic expression.
“Aw man.” He said disingenuously. “Kenny’s right, dude. We should head out.”
Kyle wasn’t fooled at all by their little performance, but he didn’t let it bother him. He knew that his friends weren’t able do fix his problem, and he appreciated that they’d even stayed for as long as they did.
“Yeah, go ahead.” He said, waving a hand to indicate his lack of annoyance. “I’ll let you be free of me for the night.”
Kenny laughed and Stan squeezed his shoulder, fixing him with a look that silently communicated that he would be there if Kyle needed anything else. Kyle gave him a grateful smile.
“Goodnight, dudes.” He said, holding the door as they shuffled out of his room. “Thanks for coming over.”
“Night, Kyle.” Kenny said.
“Yeah, goodnight.”
Kyle watched his friends descend the stairs for a second before shutting himself back inside his bedroom.
As soon as he was left alone, his thoughts returned right back to where they were before: Eric Cartman and his latest bullshit scheme. Kyle sighed to himself as he lied down, feeling a massive headache beginning to form.
For the millionth time that day, Kyle began running through the content of the column in his mind. Cartman had seriously complimented him? Publicly ? Everytime Kyle thought he had him pinned down, he did something completely unexpected.
The thing was...Kyle did sort of suspect that Cartman was a little into him. He was rather perspicacious after all, and Cartman wasn’t exactly known for subtlety to begin with. When the boys all hung out together, Cartman would always rush to sit next to Kyle. Sometimes his crush seemed so stupidly obvious that it was...endearing.
“Goddamnit!” Kyle muttered to himself.
Endearing was not a word he should be using to describe Eric Cartman—especially not in the wake of his latest stunt. Still, Kyle couldn’t deny that his soft spot for Cartman had been getting softer and softer lately.
Ugh. Recently, it was getting hard to ignore the surge of emotions he felt whenever Cartman entered a room. It was hard to ignore the fact that he actually missed him when he wasn’t there. It was really, really hard to ignore the fact that he found himself daydreaming about Eric Goddamn Cartman in the middle of classes now.
In French, his mind might wander to some memory of the two of them laughing. In English, his thoughts would stray to a fantasy about holding Cartman’s hand. It was nearly impossible to admit to himself, but Kyle felt like he might actually be falling for Cartman.
He cringed at the sappy thought, forcing himself to focus on the issue at hand. He fought to recall the details of the previous columns that Cartman had published, searching his memory for any other complimentary articles. He couldn’t think of a single one.
The first article had been about Wendy Testaburger; it described her as artificial and her activism as self-serving. Even though she was his primary academic competitor, Kyle had to admit when he read it that the description was completely untrue. If anything, he was the one who sometimes valued his own self worth over his ethics. Obviously, the “anonymous” journalist wasn’t even pretending to be unbiased.
There had also been a column about Clyde in which he was described as a “fucking crybaby”, one about Bebe which called her “overrated”, and another about Tweek in which he was referred to as an “over dramatic, attention seeking spaz”.
Candor was shitty and mean spirited and Kyle had chastised Cartman for writing it a million times, but at the same time...there was a part of Kyle that looked forward to reading the articles. As someone who prided himself on being smart and talented and morally superior, it was always nice to look at the people around him and realize all of their flaws.
Silently, Kyle chided himself. How could he claim to be so virtuous when he indulged in the same petty gossip that everyone else did? He tried to stop the inevitable wave of guilt from washing over him by shifting gears again, returning his attention to the article that had been released that morning. He found the entire thing so strange that it was...consuming him.
All of the other articles were perfect examples of classic Cartman behavior, and then there was Kyle’s: the outlier. Kyle would be lying if he said that reading the article hadn’t been somewhat of a self esteem boost. He tried to disguise it as best as he could, but he absolutely lived for compliments to his intellect. In all honesty, he found it pretty flattering that someone as spiteful as Cartman considered him insightful enough to write about.
Kyle couldn’t take it anymore; he needed answers. Quickly, he marched over to his computer and opened Skype. He glanced momentarily at the time and realized, for the first time, that the sun had set. Evening had already come and gone, and Kyle was too distracted by thoughts of Cartman to noticed. Trying not to dwell on what that implicated, he clicked the contact name labeled Fatass and made a call. Almost instantly, Cartman picked up on the other end.
As the call connected Kyle saw Cartman, dressed in the green, extra large South Park Cows t-shirt that he sometimes slept in. His hair was messy, which Kyle always preferred over the neatly arranged look he sometimes went for.
“Hello there, Kyle.” He drawled, opening a can of Mountain Dew as he spoke. “Are you done being mad at me?”
Kyle wanted to reach through the screen and slap him. He’d spent most of their lunch period alternating between telling Cartman off about Candor and demanding that he tell him what the deal with the most recent addition was. It was evident by the smugness in Cartman’s voice that the conversation hadn’t phased him at all.
“I’m never done being mad at you, you piece of shit.” Kyle shot back easily. “We really need to talk about this stupid newspaper thing.”
“Clearly you don’t think it’s that stupid, Kyle ,” Cartman said, “considering the fact that you’ve been talking about it for like twelve hours now.”
“Because you’re so fucking stupid and annoying that it drives me insane! Just tell me why you wrote that article, asshole.”
Cartman took an extra long sip of his drink, making sure Kyle was suitably irritated before he responded. When he saw that Kyle looked ready to strangle him, he batted his eyes in an effort to appear innocent.
“I just don’t understand why you think I’m the culprit here, dude.” He said.
“I don’t know anyone else who thrives off making me go completely gray before I turn 18!”
Cartman laughed and pushed his desk, causing his spinning chair to roll backward. He was grinning like a madman, as though Kyle’s anger hadn’t even registered with him.
“I thought it was a nice article, Kyle.” He said. “It described you in pretty glowing terms, after all.”
Kyle groaned, growing weary of Cartman’s attempts to act coy.
“That’s the thing!” He cried. “It was nice ! I don’t get it, Cartman. Reading that article just made me feel all...nervous. Like I was watching the first step in some huge plot to ruin my life click into place.”
With that, the smirk on Cartman’s face was gone. He stared back at Kyle blankly, like suddenly he’d forgotten all of his lines in a script.
“It made you feel...nervous?” He asked. “But Kyle, I was just—I mean, whoever wrote it was just trying to be nice.”
Kyle was surprised by the vulnerability on Cartman’s face. Even through a screen, Kyle could tell that he was being sincere. The thought created a weird, not altogether unpleasant feeling that began to stir in his stomach.
“What?” He asked, noting with amazement that his cheeks were growing hot. “You mean...what you said in the column was genuine?”
Cartman just ignored him, shaking his head. It was obvious that he had transported onto whatever planet existed only in his head.
“I have to go, Kyle.” He muttered. Kyle sighed.
“Come on, fatass. Don’t hang up! Let’s just talk about—!”
The line had gone dead before Kyle could even finish his sentence. Once again, he was left alone in his room with his mind working a million miles per second. Under normal circumstances he would immediately call back, pissed beyond belief, but right now he was far too distracted by Cartman’s revelation. He wasn’t fucking with him? Then...what was the purpose of writing the column?
The possibilities spun in Kyle’s head as he slammed his laptop shut, walking over to his bed in a daze. As he moved he stole a glimpse at his copy of that day’s school newspaper, tossed angrily on the floor. With his heart beating more quickly than normal, he steered away from his bed and toward the wall. After looking once more at the paper, he bent down to pick it up.
Well, maybe I should give that Candor column another read.
••••
The next morning, the first thing on Kyle’s mind was the oddly blank expression on Cartman’s face at the end of their Skype call. Even his dreams had been filled with images of Cartman writing page after page about him.
As Kyle went through the motions of getting dressed, brushing his teeth, and driving his little brother to school, his mind continued to circle back to Cartman. On his way into the high school parking lot, he thought about Cartman saying he was pretty cool sometimes and actually giggled to himself. It was humiliating.
On the other hand, Kyle kept feeling little pricks of worry cropping up like hot spikes on his neck. Cartman’s mood has shifted dramatically during their conversation the night before, and that usually indicated that he was about to do something rash.
Kyle’s train of thought would likely have continued to replay the column in his mind all morning, but the second he walked through the school’s front doors he was bombarded by a loud voice.
“Kyle, have you read Candor? It’s all about you!”
After a night colored by stress and soul searching, the last thing Kyle wanted to be greeted with when he walked into school was a frantic Clyde Donovan. It was just his luck that this would be how he started his day.
“Duh, Clyde.” He said dismissively. “It’s been out for forever now. Of course I’ve seen it.”
Clyde shook his head, shaking a hand in which he was clutching a school newspaper in Kyle’s face. Kyle stared back at him confusedly.
“No, no!” Clyde said. “Not that one! The one that came out this morning!”
Kyle froze. There was a second article, and Cartman was still writing about him?
“What the fuck?” He demanded, ripping the paper out of Clyde’s hand.
Clyde watched in anticipation as he flipped directly to the spot where Candor was always placed. Sure enough, the article was labeled with the current day’s date. Gripping the paper tightly, Kyle began to read.
Dear Kyle,
To all you assholes who aren’t Kyle: stop fucking reading this, I’m seriously. Clyde, don’t be a fucking dick. Anyway. I know I normally use this space to address the student body, but today I’m doing things a little differently. Today, Kyle, I’m talking directly to you. I guess I heard through the grapevine that you were a little upset about yesterday’s edition of my super sweet column. Personally, I thought it was one of my most impressive works. It was brutally honest while still maintaining its tenderness, Kyle! But I digress. Kyle, I seriously didn’t mean to piss you off with what I wrote, because I believe everything I said. You’re a total douchebag for making me say this in front of everyone, but I really like you. So...you know. We should probably fucking talk about that or...whatever. Sorry again.
Sincerely,
Eric Cartman
When he saw that Cartman had actually chosen to reveal his identity, Kyle gasped. The letter he’d just read had Eric Cartman written all over it, but it was also...different. It was a new, more heartfelt version of himself that was speaking to Kyle.
“Eric has the hots for you!” Clyde said in awe, waiting to see Kyle’s reaction.
Kyle ignored him completely, charging past him and down the hallway. He didn’t stop until he reached Stan and Kenny, who were standing at their lockers and discussing something intently.
“Kyle!” Stan said when he saw him, sounding startled.
“Uh...hey, dude.” Kenny said awkwardly.
Kyle rolled his eyes, simply gesturing with Clyde’s newspaper to show that he’d already read Cartman’s letter. Stan cringed.
“Dude...” He said, apparently at a loss for words.
Kyle saw the matching looks of fear on his friends’ faces and realized that he should probably do something to assuage their panic.
“You guys.” He said in his best attempt at a soothing voice. “I already read what Cartman wrote, and I’m not mad. Just tell me where he is, okay?”
Stan and Kenny glanced at each other, evidently having a wordless conversation.
“You...seriously aren’t mad?” Stan asked.
“I’m seriously not mad.” Kyle assured him.
Stan and Kenny exchanged another look, and this time a grin began to spread gradually across Kenny’s face.
“I fucking told you!” He said to Stan before turning to face Kyle. “You’re into him too, aren’t you?”
Embarrassed, Kyle glared at him. Stan looked perplexed and slightly ill.
“Kenny, shut up. Just...where the fuck is Cartman?” Kyle asked.
“Your boyfriend is waiting for you in the library.” Kenny teased.
Kyle groaned, but for once he didn’t stick around to bicker. Instead, he kept on moving down the hall and around a corner toward the library. Thank God he’d arrived early enough that he could go have a conversation with Cartman without being late to class.
Kyle spotted Cartman the moment he walked in the library. He was standing in the graphic novel section kind of hunched over, and he looked nervous.
“Cartman!” Kyle called, his voice certainly exceeding the library’s volume section.
Cartman actually jumped, and Kyle watched his eyes grow big and terrified.
“Oh...hey there, Kyle.” He said stiffly.
“Yeah, hey.” Kyle said with a light smirk. “Cool article, dude”.
He could practically feel the tension evaporate from Cartman’s shoulders as he said this, revealing that he wasn’t angry or hurt by the newest column.
“Really?” He asked, sounding hesitant.
“Well...yeah.” Kyle said with a grin. “It was...uh. It was cool to read that stuff. From you. It was very...”
He looked for the right word to describe the impressed, happy butterflies that had flown into his stomach when he read what Cartman had written.
“Touching.” He finished. Cartman’s eyes went soft, and he looked hopeful.
“Oh...that’s great, Kyle.” He said, clearly trying to play it cool.
“I noticed you weren’t anonymous this time.” Kyle continued. “Why is that?”
Cartman shrugged, once again pretending as though he wasn’t aware of how much this conversation could change his life.
“I don’t know.” He said, practically brushing the question off. “I guess I just wanted to...take accountability.”
Kyle dropped his jaw mockingly.
“Eric Cartman, holding himself accountable? I never thought I’d see the day.”
Cartman didn’t even bristle at the sarcasm, still apparently too on edge to sustain their usual banter. Impulsively, Kyle reached over and took one of his hands. Cartman looked astounded, then terrified, then briefly gleeful, before he went right back to terrified again. Kyle squeezed reassuringly.
“You don’t have to be all nervous, dude.” He said honestly. “It’s just me! You’ve literally spoken to me every day for the last seventeen years.”
Cartman nodded, relaxing.
“And besides...I like you too.”
Cartman tensed up again, looking as though he were waiting for a punchline or a surprise blow to the face. Instead, Kyle just gave him a small smile.
“Really?” Cartman asked in disbelief.
“Really, dude.” Kyle said. “I’ve known in the back of my mind for a while now, but...you really brought it to the forefront.”
Then they were quiet, looking at each other without bickering or making any kind of crude joke. It was only a flicker of a moment, but they both felt its gravity.
“I have a question.” Kyle said finally, breaking the silence. Cartman rolled his eyes.
“Of fucking course you do.”
“Don’t be a dick!” Kyle warned.
“Sorry, sorry! Ask away, Kyle.”
Kyle took a deep breath that caused Cartman to sober slightly. He could sense that the need to overthink everything was creeping up on Kyle. Kyle sighed.
“Why couldn’t you have...just talked to me?” He asked, not responding to the skeptical look Cartman was giving him.
“Oh, so now the two of us have civil discussions?” Cartman snarked.
Kyle considered his point for a moment, then nodded firmly.
“If we’re gonna add... feelings into the mix, then yes. We have to learn to talk about things without letting the conversation devolve into warfare. Is that a deal?”
Cartman quirked an eyebrow.
“So you’re saying I can’t publish a journalistic response in the school paper every time you piss me off?” He asked dryly.
“Cartman!” Kyle said. “You aren’t taking this seriously at all!”
Cartman surrendered, leaning back against the bookshelf and throwing up his hands.
“Okay, okay!” He said. “I totally get what you’re saying, Kyle. Next time I want to talk to you about something, I’ll try just...talking to you.”
Kyle nodded, satisfied with that answer. He and Cartman both regarded each other silently for a moment, both waiting for the other to make the next move.
“So...” Kyle said eventually, “should we start heading to class?”
“Ooh!” Cartman said with a grin. “Walking me to class, Kyle? How scandalous!”
Kyle gave him a warning glare.
“Considering you just announced to the entire school that you really like me, I honestly don’t think anyone will find it too shocking.”
Cartman turned pink and glowered back, following behind Kyle as he exited the library.
“Shut up, Kyle.” He said. “You really like me, too! Don’t even bother denying it, because I—“
“Yeah.” Kyle said simply, effectively shutting Cartman up. “I do really like you. For some...godforsaken reason.”
“Ha ha!” Cartman said triumphantly. “I fucking knew it! You totally—“
Once again, Kyle cut him off. This time, however, it was with a chaste and perfectly timed kiss to his half open mouth. It was unpracticed and unremarkable, but Kyle could practically see fireworks going off in Cartman’s brain.
“Did you malfunction?” He asked.
Slowly, Cartman shook his head. He met Kyle’s eyes again and broke into a smile.
“That’s totally what next week’s edition of Candor will be about, Kyle.”
Kyle elbowed him lightly in the ribs, looking around the hall as he did so. He noticed scattered newspapers everywhere, and he wondered how anyone could disregard something so important.
“Fucking watch it, Cartman.” He said, but his voice didn’t carry much venom at all.