Chapter Text
The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.
—Steve Maraboli
Present day: February 27th, 2022
Lexa had endured a lot of pain in her life. Her father left her for another family when she was only five years old. She watched her mother struggle working two jobs to provide her with the best childhood she could offer. She had her heart broken a couple of times and although she literally felt like she was dying, nothing could compare to the pain she was going through right now.
She had been hit in the testicles way more times than she could count. It was like basketballs had some sort of magnet on them and people always aimed too low. Lexa had all of her wisdom teeth removed and while she was under Nitrous Oxide, the pain she felt for the next two weeks was unreal.
Lexa had only been in love twice in her life. Her first relationship ending abruptly because her girlfriend had to move across the country and the second one… the second one… (Lexa didn’t even want to talk about the second one).
Lexa had thought she endured almost all the pain in the world… until now.
“Please tell me you are almost done.” Lexa winced as the needle broke through her skin again.
“Almost done, Champ.” Larry chuckled by her side. He was a short man, his ginger beard reminding Lexa of a grizzly bear. He had tattoos from his neck all the way down to his legs. He was a nice, bald guy, but Lexa really wished he would hurry up.
Lexa’s shirt was bunched up around her breasts as Larry worked against her rib cage. (Why had she chosen this spot again?).
“So…” Larry whistled in a slight Irish accent. “You never did quite tell me who the lucky lady was.”
It took a minute for Lexa to process that Larry was even talking, but when she had, she wished he would just shut up and finish the tattoo already.
When Lexa looked down, she couldn’t see what Larry was doing. It felt like he was moving at a snail’s pace and Lexa could feel every movement of that damn pen.
“Seeming as it’s broken, I don’t think it worked out.” Larry added, finishing up the symbol.
Lexa didn’t speak for a moment, the pain too strong. She supposed she would rather feel this than the gut wrenching pain she felt every day.
Larry took her silence as an answer.
“Sorry I asked, Champ.” Larry said quietly.
Lexa didn’t say anything. She hoped she wasn’t being rude, but this wasn’t something she wanted to talk about. She just wanted to get it over with. She knew it had been three years, but nothing was stopping her from doing this.
It took another five minutes for Larry to finish up. The second the needle was away from Lexa, she breathed easier. She looked down at the black ink, stained red with her blood as Larry moved to clean it up.
“All done, Champ.” Larry muttered, as he focused on cleaning the tattoo and Lexa stood there awkwardly.
It wasn’t until she turned around and looked in the mirror that she finally processed that she’d just gotten a freakin’ tattoo. The thought made her smile.
“Thank you, Larry.” Lexa spoke for the first time since the beginning of the session.
“It’ll be 70.95.” Larry said over his shoulder as they walked to the front.
“You are one helluva expensive date.”
“And don’t you forget it.” Larry cheesed at her as Lexa fished around her bag for the money.
“Alright, I’ll see you soon.” Lexa said as she parted ways.
“Don’t forget to clean it everyday!” Larry hollered after her as she made her way down the street.
She thought the tattoo was going to make her feel lighter. She absolutely loved it, but the weight of it was too much for her to handle.
She didn’t know how she was going to play on Sunday. Her ribs ached and Lexa was glad that she had practiced last night instead of tonight.
The walk back to campus was a lot longer than anticipated. She couldn’t even pulled her hoodie closer around her because it hurt too much.
Lexa had just crossed the street with a few other people, Ontari’s dorm building was in sight and she smiled, relieved at the idea of being almost closer to warmth.
When Lexa finally stepped foot onto campus, it was nearing five o’clock. Anya was in class and so was Echo.
One thing Lexa had been excited about when she started college was that she could pick what time her classes started. She didn’t have to stay in a building all day with back to back classes. One semester she had taken back to back classes and it was a pain, but Lexa quickly learned that college had more freedom than high school.
College was treating her like her own adult and Lexa loved making decisions by herself. She also loved her mother, but she was always fussing over what was best for her. Lexa knew that taking afternoon and night classes were what was best for her, except on the days she had practice. This semester, she had to suffer through taking morning classes in order to get to practice on time in the evenings.
Lexa knew once she passed Ontari’s dorm building, she needed to walk a few more blocks until her own. She’d go up and see what Ontari’s was up to, but she really just wanted to lay down.
The second Lexa entered her dorm building, a few students trickling by her, her phone started ringing.
Lexa groaned when she realized she had to reach into her pocket to get it. Her shirt rubbed awkwardly against her bandage tattoo and Lexa rushed inside to take her shirt off.
Once she was free of it, she answered her phone without looking at the caller ID.
“Hello?”
“Hi, honey!” Lexa smiled at her mother’s enthusiasm, even though she had just called her last night.
“Hey, mom.”
“How are you today? Why do you sound like that?”
“Like what?” Lexa asked. She sat down and tried not to wince. (She was being such a baby).
“Like you’re constipated,” Indra said bluntly. “You sound constipated. Are you? You need to run out and go get some Pet–“
“Mom, I’m not constipated!” Lexa shrieked.
“Then what’s–“
There was no way Lexa was telling her mom where she’d just been for an hour and a half. Her mom would literally kill her if she knew she had just spent seventy dollars on a tattoo.
So Lexa lied. Just like she did whenever she told her mother she was fine. She lied so her mom wouldn’t worry.
“I’ve just been practicing a lot. We have another game on Sunday at 2 o'clock. So, make sure you call me before or after the game and not during, mom.” Lexa sounded accusatory, because it had happened more than once.
Her mother had a tendency of calling her during her games. She usually had them on Sunday and Wednesday’s. It was a change she had to quickly get used to her first semester here. She was used to having game days on Tuesday’s and Saturday’s. It wasn’t a bad adjustment. It was just like every other adjustment she had to make while away at college.
“I wish I could make you a nice hot cup of tea.” Lexa could tell by her tone, that she was pouting. Even after three years, her mother hated that she was so far away for majority of the year.
“It’s okay, mom. I’m going to grab dinner with Anya when she gets out of class at seven. I’ll be just fine.” Lexa lied. It was almost like a natural response by now. She hoped her mother didn’t pick up on that.
“As long as you eat and get some rest, I won’t worry.”
“There’s no need to worry about me.” Lexa said seriously.
“I’ll always worry another you. Especially since Cl–“
“Mom.” Lexa warned dangerously. She always had the tendency to try to bring her up and Lexa didn’t want to hear it. “Don’t.”
“Okay, okay.” Indra backed off. She was the only one who really knew what went on between them a few years ago. Had it not been for Abby opening her mouth about it, Lexa wasn’t sure she would’ve said anything at all.
It was a conversation that changed everything for her.
(Conversation was more of an understatement. It was like a war between two hotheads and Lexa was afraid she didn’t have any armor on).
So, why would she ever want to talk about it?
“I hope you have a nice dinner.” Indra said after a minute of uncomfortable silence. “Don’t buy too many desserts.”
“I won’t, mom.” Lexa rolled her eyes. “It’s basketball season.”
“Sounding just like your father, still.” Indra didn’t sound as resentful as she once did. Lexa didn’t know if they were working on their relationship. She figured they weren’t, but at least her mother was being civil.
Lexa laughed into the phone but had to stop abruptly. The movement stung against her ribs.
“I’ll talk to you tomorrow, honey.”
“Bye mom.”
“Bye, Lexa.”
It was always a tradition to stand and look at herself in the mirror before any game. Whether it was regionals or the championship, Lexa stared at the blue and white colors staring back at her. She had three years to get used to her new number.
She supposed it wasn’t a bad number, but she was so used to hearing Number Twenty–five, she didn’t realize how much she was going to miss it.
But she didn’t miss high school.
There was no way she could. She basically smoked her way through high school to forget about all the drama that came with it. People in college were more level–headed and actually wanted to be there. They wanted to make a future for themselves and it started with getting a diploma. So, her peers were a lot more focused than in high school. It was the type of dedication, Lexa wished she had.
She hadn’t failed any classes yet, which was amazing for her scholarship, but she had been close a few times. Especially in math. She was never a math person and Anya had to help her every day just to get her to pass. She didn’t understand how well Anya was at math, but she was passing and Lexa was on the cuffs of failing.
College was everything Lexa had thought it was be. From seeing things on TV or hearing people back home talk about how important it was. Yes, people were very focused on their studies, but there was also a party almost every night to forget the hardships that being in college brought upon the students.
Lexa, in a way, thought college was a bit easier.
The professors she had clearly knew what they were doing and taught subjects thoroughly. Instead of spending time on a bunch of things at once like she had done in high school, the professors took their time explaining each subject of material to their class.
Sure, the papers were longer and the reading assignment were boring, but going to college, being here with her friends and making new ones, Lexa felt like it was a breath of fresh air.
It was what she needed after.... what happened.
She didn’t tell anyone about it for a long time. She didn’t know how. She was never one for emotions, never one to just open up about things and it was so easy for her to bottle things up and have them explode out on the basketball court.
Anya figured it out.
It wasn’t what happened before she left for college. It had happened during the end of her freshman year and she hadn’t spoke about it since.
Even Anya didn’t know what they had talked about, but she knew Lexa had went to go see her.
Lexa couldn’t stop herself. There was a magnetic pull she still had on her that had her flying up to New York after she took her last and final exam for her freshman year.
But she didn’t talk about her anymore after that.
Because she didn’t exist to her anymore.
And all those fashion magazines she kept hidden under her bed, she didn’t mention those to anyone.
Instead of Lexa being alone, Anya was right behind her. Anya had been there for her a lot these past few years and had it not been for her picking her up when she needed it the most, Lexa didn’t know where she would be.
(Probably failing math, ruining her scholarship and being forced to live back at home).
Anya had been her safe haven for quite a while now. With starting at a new and much bigger school, not really knowing anyone, having a completely new team and adjusting to a new coach, Anya and Lexa had only grown closer.
From what Lexa knew, Anya was still dating Raven. They’ve been in contact almost everyday and Anya seemed happy. Their relationship seemed to be going strong and Lexa was happy for her.
“Do you really have to listen to all of Moonlight Sonata?” Anya whined, from where she was standing behind Lexa, interrupting her thoughts. “They are going to call us any minute.”
All of the players were waiting in the hallway, waiting for the announcer to call them individually.
It was tough adjusting to a new coach, but Gustus had been nothing but kind in the three years Lexa had been here. It took some time, (with all of them really). They were all so used to Finn’s awkwardness, that they didn’t think anyone could be more awkward than him.
But Gustus was tall. He stood at 6’5 and towered over most of the girls. Lexa was used to being the tallest one of the team; besides Anya. There were two girls taller just by two inches. They’ve built this team for scratch and Gustus had already told her the roster for the next season.
Lexa knew it was supposed to be a hushed event, but she had her ways and every single member she worked with now, she would take into the next season and Lexa was horrified.
She was cool with half the girls on the team, but there was three of them that she just didn’t get along with and it was starting to show.
There was a lack of communication and Lexa didn’t like being in the dark about things especially when it came to her basketball team. Lexa was the captain of the Blue Devils, but those girls would run plays without her and the rest of the team, never pass her the ball even though she was the shooting guard. Lexa and her friends were being left out and there wasn’t much she could do about it.
“Yes.” Lexa hissed, pulling on her bright blue basketball shoes. Another thing she had to get used to while she was in college. She remembered the worn purple shoes she would wear to every basketball game.
These shoes were bright and attractive, it was hard for Lexa to hate them, but they just weren’t hers.
Even though she’d been on this team for three years, it didn’t feel like her team. She couldn’t have a team with just a few members on board. She needed all of them but Lexa knew it wasn’t going to happen.
Morgan, Emily and Willa were attached at the hip and while there was a complete lack of communication, they still managed to win games. They’ve lost more than Lexa was willing to admit and out of stubbornness, Lexa would always blame it on the trio because at least she was trying to get on the same page with the girls, but they didn’t want to hear anything she had to say.
Morgan, the leader of the small posse, would claim that she was taller and better than Lexa. She and her friends had transferred over, from a community college, to their team almost a year ago and made it a point to make sure Lexa knew she wasn't better than them. They both knew it wasn’t true, but Lexa was never one to argue. If Morgan wanted to believe it, then Lexa would let her. Anything to get them on the same page, but that still didn’t work.
Gustus didn’t say much when it came to it. He knew better than to intervene in young girl’s drama.
“It’s almost done anyways.” Lexa commented as she stood up and jumped up and down a few times. She was nodding her head to the music and refused to close her eyes.
Every time she did, she saw her.
When the song was finally over, they joined everyone in the dark alleyway. Gustus looked back and her and Lexa nodded to him.
She was ready.
“Done with your weird voodoo ritual? It’s no coincidence that we’re the Blue Devils.”
“Shut it, Morgan.” Lexa gritted her teeth and Morgan smirked in satisfaction.
Anya just stood behind Lexa. They didn’t really pick on her as much because she knew Morgan and her friends were after Lexa. Because they couldn’t beat her and it was messing with Morgan’s ego. It had been a year and Anya was sure they’d be passed it, but with each season they play, the tension between Lexa’s friends and Morgan’s friends only got stronger.
If it weren’t for the fact that they had a game to play, Anya would’ve said something because the way Morgan acted was childish and sometimes, it costed them the game.
As the announcer started calling people out, they all got ready.
Even though most of them didn’t get along, whenever it was time to play, they got their act together.
They all waited until it was their turn to come out and once their coached was called onto the court, everyone cheering and clapping; they got to work.
There was only a minute left in the game and they were three points away from winning.
Everyone was getting in their position to set up their final goal. Lexa had been slowed down by the other team's defense but as soon as she was free, she sprinted down the court, near Anya.
It didn’t surprise Lexa that Morgan had the ball, but she couldn’t complain because it had been in their possession for the last three minutes. All Morgan had to do was pass Lexa the ball and she could make her three–point shot, but obviously Morgan was never one to follow the play.
Morgan dribbled the ball down the court and Lexa was wide open. Everyone saw it. The coach was subtly making hand gestures for Morgan to pass Lexa the ball, but she didn’t listen.
Instead of looking to Lexa, who was a few feet away from her, Morgan looked over and made eye–contact with Willa and Lexa’s heart stopped.
She couldn’t.
“What is she doing?” Anya asked out loud, trying to block one of the other players from getting to the ball. Anya had her back turned, but she could see everything play out in the way they had never discussed.
The plan was to pass Lexa the ball during their last play so she could make the winning shot. Morgan was disregarding everything and cost them the game as she chucked the ball toward Willa.
Willa took it with ease, but hesitated as she turned around to make the last shot.
Lexa had never felt so hopeless in her life. She could tell by Willa’s formation that she wasn’t going to make the shot. Morgan would know that if she was as good of a basketball player as she was.
Morgan had just cost them the game and she didn’t even know it.
In the last five seconds of the game, Willa quickly threw the ball toward the net. There was a reason why she earned her spot on the basketball team this season. Willa was short, but she was quick with her movements. She could take the ball from someone in .2 seconds easily. Lexa had seen it and it amazed her.
There was also a reason why Willa wasn’t a shooting guard. Willa knew how to make baskets and was very good at it, but her accuracy was very low.
Lexa always had a 99.99% chance that she would make a shot and she could’ve made this one if Morgan had passed her the damn ball.
It was no surprise when the ball didn’t make it into the basket. As if it was teasing Lexa, the ball rolled around the rim before bouncing out. There was a loud groan and something slammed against the floor as the buzzer went off and the game was over.
The other team jumped for joy as they had just won another game and Lexa ducked her head in shame.
No one talked as they made it back into the locker room. Lexa wasn’t a kid anymore. She couldn’t lash out the way she used to. Not just because she had gotten older and learned how to control her anger more, but because this was supposed to be her team but as she looked around, she could barely recognize her teammates.
“What the hell was that?” Anya slammed a locker closed and rounded on Morgan.
Morgan looked up innocently, a twinkle in her eye.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“The play we went over on Wednesday had Lexa making the final shot and you know it.”
“Willa was closer to the goal I thought–“
“Bullshit, Morgan.” Ontari stepped in for Lexa. “I was by the goal too. We all were, but the play was to give the ball to Lexa and you and your stupid friends didn’t get the memo.”
“Don’t start with me…” Morgan threatened before Gustus stopped them.
“Enough!” Gustus yelled, making them jump. He ran his hands over his face before speaking again. “Look, I wasn’t going to say this before, because I thought we were past the high school drama, but if this division in my team keeps happening, I’ll have no other choice than to force someone off my squad. It’s either you guys start playing nice and start winning games together or one of you is going to leave.”
The coach was furious. Lexa knew this. They all did, but this time it really wasn’t her fault. Gustus had every right to be furious. Morgan just lost the game for them for her apparent hatred for Lexa.
Lexa had nothing more to say. This wasn’t her team.
She didn’t say anything as she gathered her stuff. She stopped right in front of Morgan, long enough for Morgan to realize her mistake. She knew Morgan had a big ego, but didn’t think she would take it this far.
There was division in the team because as soon as Lexa left, so did her friends. Leaving Morgan and her crew by themselves.
“I think we messed up.” Emily said from the corner, but Morgan just laughed.
“It’s fine. There’s always next game and we can go around–“
“I think we should stop. At first, it was funny but it’s not making us win. We are supposed to be the best that’s why we’re here. Lexa is good. Really good, but you won’t give her a chance. She hasn’t let us down yet.”
“She’s a snake. She was sleeping with a teacher during her entire season. She doesn’t take this game seriously.”
“You can’t believe everything you read and she dominated her senior year, winning almost every game.”
“That was, what? Three years ago?” Morgan snarkiness made Willa shake her head.
“She’s the reason we win and you know it.”
“She’s not better than me.”
“When are you going to let this go?” Everett finally spoke up. She was another center for the team. “Lexa is good and so are her friends. We’ve been on this team for too long to keep acting like this. We only have a couple seasons left to play with her and then it’ll be over.”
“She’s crazy talented.” Willa agreed.
“What is happening to you guys? It’s not like we lose every game.”
“We can’t keep playing like this. We are going to get in serious trouble and for what? Because you hate Lexa. Dude, she’s the reason the team is as good as it is.”
“You take that back!” Morgan hissed.
“I don’t know about you, but maybe we should become friends with her?” Wills suggested.
“You can’t be serious?”
“I don’t think it’s a bad idea. If coach gets involved in this, someone is going to get kicked off the team.” Emily shrugged.
But as always, Morgan being as dramatic as she was, gathered her stuff up and stormed off.
“Ariana Grande tweeted about you three times this week. I have a feeling we’re going to be invited to her birthday this year.” Raven came barreling into her office, Starbucks coffee in her hands and a box of muffins in the other.
It was nearing two PM and Clarke could already feel a headache starting to come in because she hadn’t had her fix of coffee yet.
Clarke’s eyes zoned in the the Iced Caramel macchiato making its way over to her and licked her lips unconsciously.
“See something you like?” Raven smirked, knowing fully well her friend needed her fix of coffee.
There was a time when Clarke went all day without coffee, and honestly Raven thought World War III was going to break out because of it.
She had never seen her best friend so cranky in her life. Raven feared for everyone that came in contact with her friend that day.
“When you texted and said you hadn’t had coffee yet, I pretty much dropped everything to get it to you.” Raven handed the coffee over to her friend and sat down in one of her plushy white chairs across from her.
“And this is why I love you.” Clarke said sweetly. She normally put coffee first in the morning, but when Monroe texted and said they were having problems with the photo shoot, she had no other choice but to rush over to work.
“Back to my Grande comment,” Raven said seriously and Clarke rolled her eyes. “You think it could happen? I’m a happily taken woman, but Ariana Grande is gorgeous and very famous. Having someone like her liking your work could be huge for you.”
“If she likes my designs then that’s great. I don’t see us working together any time soon. I’m up there, Raven. But she’s like… next level.” Clarke was hardly listening to the conversation, barely registering what she was saying. The only thing she was focused on was getting coffee into her system as quickly as she could. Her bowels be damned.
She wasn’t wrong though. Her company had blossomed in ways she couldn’t believe. Even Marcus had commented how well they were doing. Without Cage around to drag her down or cause problems, Clarke was soaring to the top.
“Anyways, on to more serious conversation because I have to leave soon,” Raven sucked in a breath, Clarke could only describe as nervous. “I’m going to North Carolina soon. Really soon.”
“Oh.” That finally seemed to draw Clarke away from her love affair between her and the coffee.
Clarke set her drink down and looked at Raven expectantly. It wasn’t the first time Raven had mention she was going to North Carolina. Raven went down there all the time, but the way she paused, the way she looked over Clarke carefully, Clarke knew what was coming.
“Maybe you could–“
“No.” Clarke said flatly.
“But it’s the championship!” Raven protested like she was a five year old child trying to talk her mother into getting a new bike. It wasn’t going to happen.
“No.” Clarke said again. She picked up her drink again. She felt a headache coming on, but for an entirely different reason.
“Not even for her, but for Anya. My girlfriend, who I happened to love very much. Octavia can’t go because she’s preggers, but you could come with me. We could even take your private jet.”
“Raven–“
“It’s been three years. You can’t avoid it forever. My girlfriend is a very important person in my life. It would behoove you to get over whatever shit your dealing with and support me on this. Support my girlfriend, even if Lexa is going to be there.”
Clarke sucked in a breath. Hearing her name was like ripping off a bandaid. So many emotions went through her system before she could process it, but in the end, it always hurt. She didn’t need this right now.
Clarke hadn’t been on a high like this in a long time. Since before she took control of the company. She was thriving in ways she didn’t think she could. She was being recognized by famous people; before then, it was only a faint dream of hers. And now it was happening. She didn’t need to think about what was in North Carolina.
That shipped had sailed a long time ago.
So, she threw herself into her work. It was what she was good at; it was what she was best at.
And all those Number Twenty–Five jerseys she kept under her bed; no one knew about those.
Not even Raven.
So, Clarke wasn’t going to sit here and think about the past, when she had a bright future in front of her.
Roan was working for her now on a men’s line she begged Marcus to come out with when he was in charge. Now Clarke was, and having Roan be the face of her men’s line was pulling endorsements in like no other. Roan was attractive and her female audience loved a guy with long hair that could rock a man bun.
Not only was Roan her male part time model, he was her assistant as well. She had most of her crew to this day, but no one talked about the fight that happened between Clarke and Harper. Not even Monroe talked about it. Sometimes Clarke wondered if Monroe even knew about the fight, but she had been the one to break it up.
Clarke wasn’t proud of it. It cost her the best assistant anyone could ask for, but she was angry. She was hurt and the only person she wanted to blame was the one closest to her.
Clarke didn’t know where Harper was these days, and if Monroe had ever pursued anything with her, she never spoke of it.
After three years, Clarke had built her dynasty and it was everything she ever wanted.
Almost everything.
There was something missing, but she refused to acknowledge it.
Raven and Octavia stuck by her side like super glue. No matter how many times she tried to get rid of them, they never budged. They had girls night way too often and were missing quite a few people from it.
It was a shitshow to be honest. Octavia was always antsy as her due date drew closer and picked an argument with Raven whenever she could. Raven would always complain that there wasn’t any ice cream left when they came over because Clarke had eaten it all the night before. They would always bicker about what movie to watch. Raven wanted action and glory. Clarke wanted comedy to mend her broken heart and Octavia wanted a romantic movie.
And everyone knew who was missing, and never talked about it, adding to the tension throughout the room.
“What are you going to do?” Raven chewed through her muffin before tossing it into the trash can by the desk. “Call up Finn and have him rub your feet for you?”
“Raven–“
Clarke had no other choice but to move on. Lexa wasn’t here anymore. They weren’t together anymore and as much as it killed Clarke, her life had to move on.
Seeing Finn sometimes was easy. He didn’t hound her like he used to for a relationship. He was pretty much getting whatever Clarke was giving him.
Seeing Finn was easy, because Clarke didn’t have to see him all the time. He didn’t know her as well as Clarke thought he would’ve after seeing each other for a couple months.
Clarke had also realized that she wasn’t giving much for Finn to know.
But what they were doing was easy. They never crossed dangerous territory. They never talked about what had happened. They were just barely scratching the surface of a relationship that really couldn’t even be called a relationship.
Because it wasn’t. Finn was just… there and sometimes being with him was nice. He didn’t make her laugh like Lexa did. He didn’t make her heart pound in her chest. He didn’t make her cum the way Lexa did, but he was there and he was alright.
“I just wanted you to come to the game with me.” Raven blew out. “But I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. You avoid everything in your life so I’m not surprised you’d avoid this, even though it has nothing to do with you.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
What was supposed to be a surprised coffee date together, was turning into one of the various arguments Clarke got into whenever she was involved.
“You avoid your dad. You avoid Cage. You avoid Harper, Clarke. Harper. You have a problem.” Raven said it so simply, like Clarke could fix it within the next hour.
Honestly, what Raven was saying was the truth. They both knew that. That was why Raven was so upset. Clarke would give her this, but that didn’t mean she was going to admit it out loud.
“Don’t you have a restaurant to run?” Clarke said as a way of dismissal. Raven sat there for another minute, locking eyes with her best friend.
Clarke tried to hold her gaze steady, but Raven was giving her that look she only used when she wanted her to admit something. She used it on her all the time. To get her to admit that she ate all the M&M’s out of the trail mix or when she wanted her to admit that she knocked over her vase one time back in December.
Raven tried to use the look to get her to admit that she wasn’t okay, but Clarke wouldn’t fall for it.
Getting Clarke to talk about Lexa was like getting it to rain in California; it didn’t happen.
So Raven huffed and stood up.
“You know it’s a sad day when I’d rather be in the company of Octavia, who is almost eight months pregnant and has a temper worse than my dad right now and mood swings that don’t even make sense, than to sit here and talk about this.”
“I didn’t ask for this.” Clarke said seriously. She loved Raven, more than she was willing to admit, but she wasn’t going to win this.
When Clarke’s mind was made up, it was made up and there was no changing it.
“Goodbye, Clarke,” Raven said curtly. “Maybe you’ll think about joining me to support my girlfriend in a few months.”
Clarke didn’t respond and when she didn’t, Raven sighed dramatically and slammed the door to her office shut.
Clarke sat back in her chair, sipping on her coffee as if nothing happened.
“I’m really not in the mood to deal with Morgan today.” Ontari said seriously as they entered the gym. It was Wednesday, which meant it was time for practice. Lexa had taken a two hour nap beforehand and was ready to go.
“If we don’t win this season because of her, I’m going to kill her.” Anya grunted, drinking a gulp of water.
“Is your mom still coming down for the championship?” Echo asked curiously from beside Lexa.
“Of course she is,” Lexa chuckled. “Who do you think she is? She’s driving down her a couple days before. I think my dad is coming too with Aden.”
Her brother was six now and every time Lexa went to go see him during the summer, she swore all he did was grow. He was up to her stomach now. She didn’t have to bend down to pick him up anymore.
Her relationship with her dad’s family had gotten a lot better. Her dad would FaceTime her when it was convenient for her and Taylor would join as well. Her father told her that he wasn’t planning on having anymore kids and he wanted to focus on strengthening their relationship.
It made the ache stop. The years of hurt and confusion as to why her father had left, was a faint memory now. Lexa meant it when she said she wanted to focus on the next chapter in her life and that started with forgiving.
They didn’t talk about the past anymore or the what if’s. Whenever they spend time together, Lexa had fun. She loved being around Aden. He was so funny and smart. He didn’t annoy her like she thought he would. Lexa might have hated her father for leaving all those years ago, but she couldn’t be mad at the way Aden was growing up. He was very polite and Lexa actually hated whenever she had to leave to go back to college.
“I think my mom is coming down the day of the game and staying a day afterward,” Anya stopped before they went into the gym. She silently gestured for Ontari and Echo to go inside and they did so respectfully. “Raven’s coming.”
“Okay?” Lexa said with a frown. She knew that Anya’s girlfriend would be coming down to support their last game.
Anya looked nervous for a second. It had been a while since she spoke her name to her. Anya wasn’t really sure what was going to happen. She knew her best friend. She knew that she was barely getting by these days, no matter how much she said she was fine.
Lexa was most definitely not fine.
“I was talking with Raven and she said… well, I think…” Anya blew out a breath. “Bellamy is coming.”
“Really?” Lexa asked in surprise.
Octavia was eight months pregnant. Apparently when she opened her restaurant and met Lincoln at a party her ex–girlfriend threw, sparks flew and three years later, Octavia had a ring on her finger and a baby growing in her belly.
Lexa thought briefly if that would’ve been her life. Married, and a kid on the way. Lexa could barely toast a bagel correctly. She wasn’t sure that life would’ve worked out for her.
(The thought still didn’t stop the ache in her heart).
“Of course. We went up there for a couple games and now he is returning the favor. Monty and Jasper send their love.”
“Ours lives are so different now, An.” Lexa whispered out, amazed.
“Lexa…” Anya hesitated again. She was always nervous to bring her up. “Raven told me that… Raven told me that Clarke is seeing someone.”
Anya finally let out a relieved breath of months of holding that information in and prepared for the worse. Lexa was staring at her and hadn’t moved for a few seconds.
“The tabloids…” Lexa was past caring if Anya knew she checked on her ex–girlfriend through the tabloids. It was the only way she could.
“She hasn’t said anything to the media about it. Raven wouldn’t lie about this, especially since she’s always with her.”
“Who.. who is–“
“Guys, come on!” Echo poked her head out the doors. Coach hated whenever someone was late and would make them run an extra ten laps to make up for it. Lexa and Anya quickly scrambled into the door.
Practice had been going well for the most part, beside the obvious aggression Lexa had. She normally brought it out during practices and games, but this was different.
Anya felt like she had something to do with it. No one had told her. No one had even really knew. Anya knew Lexa’s mom didn’t know about it, but a couple months ago, Raven called her and told her that Clarke was seeing someone.
Raven didn’t give her that many details, wanting to respect Clarke’s love life, but Anya knew it was going to affect her best friend and it was clearly showing.
There was a reason why people envy Lexa. Why, despite what Morgan and her friends say, Lexa was the best player on their team.
No one could get to her today. She was dribbling past everyone and no one could stop her. Her coach wasn’t saying anything about it, because she knew how talented Lexa was. It just made everyone work harder.
Lexa was snatching the ball left and right. No one had their hands on the ball for more than a few seconds before Lexa snuck up on them and snatched it away.
They had just finished a scrimmage, Lexa’s team winning and Morgan’s losing before Morgan walk up to her.
Anya cursed under her breath because she knew this altercation wasn’t going to go down well. But this wasn’t high school, if Morgan had something to say, Lexa should be able to handle it.
“What is your problem?” Morgan hissed, her friends right behind her. “You didn’t give anyone a chance today.”
“What?” Lexa sneered. Anya ducked her head dramatically. “Couldn’t handle that I’m better than you.”
The coach was over collecting all the jerseys and towels off the benches. He was watching closely, but didn’t step in to say anything.
"You aren’t better than me!”
“You have a serious problem with losing, but that didn’t stop you from letting us lose on Sunday. I gave all you bitches a chance, it’s not my fault you can’t keep up.” Lexa said with a smirk.
“I thought this was supposed to be your team, since you think you’re better than all of us. What’s wrong?” Morgan stepped right in front of Lexa before saying: “Can’t keep this team together just like you couldn’t keep your relationship together?”
Lexa snapped her head up to look at the dirty–blonde. Anya gasped from behind her because this team was seriously the definition of dysfunctional.
“The fuck did you just say?”
“Morgan, don't!” Willa warned next to her, knowing what was about to happen, but of course, Morgan brushed her off.
“Don’t act like everybody doesn’t know,” Morgan hissed. “You were the talk of the campus for quite a while. Everyone got a kick out of Lexa Woods being here. Wasn’t she the one that slept with that teacher? How did she win so many games with her hands up a teacher’s skirt?”
Morgan imitated her peers and Lexa sneered at her.
“It’s no wonder it never worked out. I mean, look at you. You clearly don’t have your shit together so why would that teacher want someone like you?”
There were too many years of heartache for Lexa to keep her composure. Anya never talked about Clarke until now, even though Lexa knew they were still in contact.
Anya knew never to talk about Clarke and this was the reason why.
She regretted telling Lexa about what was happening with Clarke. She knew what Morgan was saying was wrong, but Anya could see it happening before she could stop her.
Whenever Anya had tried to talk about Clarke, it would always lead to numerous unsolved arguments between them. This was the first time Anya had mentioned Clarke and Lexa didn’t react… until now.
At first, Raven had pushed for it. Clarke wanted to know how Lexa was and would ask Anya to give her information. Lexa didn’t know this, but she still didn’t say anything about how she felt. Anya tried to shelter Lexa from Clarke as much as she could.
But as far as Anya knew, Lexa’s feelings were nonexistent.
Until now, with Morgan in her face, hands on her hips with a smug smile on her face.
Even the coach knew what was about to happen as Lexa let out a cold chuckle and cocked her arm back.
The satisfaction of hitting Morgan right in the eye didn’t give Lexa the high she thought it would. The only thing Lexa could think about was what she had said.
All Lexa could think about was what Anya had said.
Clarke was seeing someone.
Clarke was seeing someone.
Clarke was seeing someone and that mixed with the fact that Morgan was being a complete bitch right now, made Lexa lose it.
She was proud about it at first. The satisfaction of hitting Morgan where it hurt was enough for Lexa to calm down.
Until Morgan took her hand away from her eye and tried to charge for Lexa.
“You’re crazy!” Morgan screamed as she tried to grab a hold of Lexa. Willa had a death grip on Morgan and Lexa could see as Morgan struggled in her arms, the bruise that was starting to form around her eye.
Lexa took pride in knowing that she could handle her anger better than she did in high school. She hadn’t gotten into one fight during her three years at college, but as she looked over at someone who was supposed to be her teammate, all Lexa felt was shame for lashing out the way she had.
But Lexa wasn’t about to apologize for it. Because Morgan was calling her all types of names as she tried to get to her.
“I’m going to fuckin–“
“I’ve had enough!” Gustus threw down his clipboard and that finally made Morgan calm down.
But Lexa didn’t stay. She couldn’t.
Clarke was seeing someone.
The weight of those words were almost enough to drag her down. To lose all the strength she’d tried to build up since their conversation.
Clarke was seeing someone and Lexa wasn’t getting ready to stand in the middle of a gym with teammates that weren’t even hers.
Lexa left.
Something she was also ashamed of. Even as the coach called after her. She didn’t think her heart could hurt anymore than it already was, but… Clarke was seeing someone and the thought alone made Lexa hurl into the trash can right outside the gym.
She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and kept walking.
Because that was all she could do to stop thinking about it.
She ran back to campus and to her dorm room. She curled up into a ball on her bed, reaching into her nightstand for the necklace Clarke had gotten her.
Lexa couldn’t wrap her head around it. Clarke was seeing someone? Who was she seeing? Was it a girl or a guy? Did they treat her well? Was Clarke happy with them? Lexa couldn’t stand to think about Clarke with someone else, but didn’t have to think about it for much longer.
Anya came barging in the door, her eyes narrowing on her.
“How bad is it?” Lexa asked, not bothering to look up. She was still holding the necklace. Normally, Lexa wouldn’t let Anya see this side of her.
Lexa would only look through the magazines whenever she knew Anya would be away for a while.
Anya walked into the door more cautiously, seeing the obvious distress state her best friend was in. She had so much work to do. She knew she went along with it, but it was clear Lexa wasn’t alright.
Anya didn’t know what else to do. Anything having to do with Clarke, would end with Lexa blowing up at her or whoever spoke about her. She didn’t know what had happened whenever Lexa went up to go see her, but it was obvious even after three years, Lexa wasn’t over it.
Lexa wasn’t as happy as she was when she was with Clarke. She knew she couldn’t always be with Raven, but they made their long distance work. To be honest, Anya thought Clarke and Lexa would outlive their relationship, but she was sadly mistaken.
Anya hated seeing her best friend like this and sighed heavily, before delivering the news.
“Coach wants to suspend you for a couple games which could mean the championship.”