Work Text:
[Extract from the Sussex Chronicle, 18th August]
HASTINGS SUPERMARKET DEAL
Self-made French tycoon Bill Norman this afternoon announced plans to open a new branch of his hypermarket chain at a site near Hastings, with other branches planned for the surrounding area. This is his first cross-channel venture, which he promises will open up new opportunities for the area and create thousands of jobs.
“I’ve intended to break into the English market for years – now we’re finally making that a reality,” Mr Norman said earlier today. “We look forward to bringing Norman Enterprises to Sussex – we think it’s going to be exactly what the area needs.”
Environmental groups are concerned that the proposed location for the hypermarket may be in an Area of Outstanding National Beauty, but Bill Norman maintains the site has been carefully chosen – and he is not going to be intimidated by opposition. “I’ve always had to fight for everything I have, and I’m ready to do it again if necessary.”
***
[Extract from Letter of the 17th August, from Otto & Otto of Bayeux, to Harold Godwinson, postmarked 20th August.]
Dear Mr Godwinson,
This is to inform you that if you continue to refuse to accept our client’s legal right to the property known as “West Minster Farm” near Pevensey, Sussex, we will be forced to take action on behalf of our client Mr William Robert Norman.
You promised the said property (West Minster Farm) to our client on the night of 30th March two years previous. If you do not surrender said property (West Minster Farm) to our client (said Mr William Robert Norman), we will file a lawsuit on behalf of our client to reclaim said property.
[&c &c….]
***
[Text from Harold Godwinson to Bill Norman, 20th August] 14:06
Bill, you BASTARD.
*
[Text, ditto] 14:12
forgot B-word thing. sry. bill what is this crap?
*
[Ditto] 19:42
Ok. b like that. ur not having Eddys farm tho. God. WAS DRUNK THAT NITE. Give over. H.
***
THE BAYEUX BLOGGER
22nd August 19:42PM
Regular readers will be familiar with Bill Norman, who turns up in this blog more often than any other corporate nuisance we know. What has the ‘Conqueror’ done now, you ask? It hasn’t been enough for him to make himself the richest and most unethical businessman in Northern France (a hotly contested title) – no! Now he’s got his sights set on the white cliffs over the channel. (Probably planning to stamp a trademark on them and charge tourists to view them.)
On the upside, maybe it’ll give Northern France some breathing space, but it’s not good news for anyone else. The site he’s selected for his hypermarket monstrosity is currently occupied by West Minster Farm, environmentally conscious sellers of organic produce, home-spun wool, and top notch honey. It’s also in the middle of the Sussex Wealds, an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty. Or what was an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty before Bill decided to set his usual insensitive mark on the landscape.
We even hear there’s some question over whether or not he has a legal right to the site, but what does Bill care about that? We all remember Le Mans, right?
So, for the Brits reading (and anyone willing to take make the crossing), there will be a protest at West Minster Farm in early October when the work is proposed to start. Date to be confirmed – keep your diaries free and your banners at the ready.
***
[email of 30th August]
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
Hi Bill,
I got your letter, as I’m sure you know. I can also see the sign outside the farm declaring this to be your property. This is not the first sign, as we used that to barbecue some organic vegetarian sausages the other night. No, this is the third one. It came with a bloody bodyguard, but I don’t suppose that’s news to you, either.
How about you try talking to me about this yourself? I can only assume that this is about That Night two years ago. If so, I was drunk. So were you, for that matter, so I don’t think either of our memories of the night are exactly reliable. I may have made rash promises, but you can fuck off if you think they were legally binding. Get your people off my land. Sussex may be overpopulated, but there are still plenty of other sites you could use for your corporate monstrosities that AREN’T MY FARM!! If you don’t back off I’ll set the bees on you. And the fucking sheep.
God, Bill, whatever it is, how about you just phone or something next time?
*
[Email of 31st August]
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
Mr Godwinson
Please find attached legally binding document signed by yourself March, two years previous.
M. Robert, on behalf of W. Norman.
Attachment: wm_farm.pdf
*
[Text from Harold Godwinson to Bill Norman, 31st August] 22:31
GO 2 HELL.
***
[Notice in Sussex Chronicle of 3rd September:]
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
West Minster Farm will cease trading on October 14th
CLOSING DOWN SALE ON
ALL MONTH.
***
[email of 30th August]
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
Seriously Bill? This? You’re not getting one of our organic hampers this Christmas, I can tell you that now.
Attachment: damned_fake_ad.jpg
[Email of 31st August ]
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
> Seriously Bill? This? You’re not getting one of our organic hampers this Christmas, I can tell you that now.
No one will be. :-D
Next time, Harry, keep your promises. It’s simple.
Yours,
Bill.
***
[email of 13th September]
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
Hi Harry!
See attached – I had a horoscope drawn up for you as a present. So sorry, though. It’s so disastrous I didn’t even want to send it, but I thought better to be prepared, also it cost quite a bit. It’s the thought that counts, isn’t it?
Also have you heard from Tom or Judy lately? You seem to have annoyed Tom somehow, it’s probably that farm you let go to Alf. (N’land, or Cumbria??) You might want to go up to York and see him.
What’s all this about Bill and our Farm???!! I know he used to have that thing about it belonging to his Great Aunt Emma (my Mum-in-Law) or whatever it was, but we all know darling Eddy promised it to you on his DEATHBED. I WAS THERE!! Just because he didn’t quite get that will made in time doesn’t change anything. Poor Eddy! Doesn’t Bill have any sensibility? What about my feelings?
Anyway, hope you are well. Sorry about the horoscope. It’s probably not as bad as it seems, it’s all in the interpretation. I’ll tell Judy the same re. Tom.
Love Edie
xxxx
attachment: harry_horoscope.pdf
*
[Email of 16th September]
from: [email protected]
to: edith.king23@gmail
Thanks, Edie, you’re a great comfort.
Oh, God, okay, will try and fit Tom in soon, but Bill seems to be ready to besiege the Farm, so I’m preoccupied right now. As to Eddy, I mean, I know, but try telling Bill that! It’s not as if his empire isn’t already big enough. I don’t know what he wants with our farm as well.
Whatever you do, DO NOT bring your mother-in-law into anything, thanks. It’s bad enough as it is.
If you want to be useful, email Bill and explain about Eddy for me, if you can. Although I don’t suppose it’ll stop him going round claiming I swore my whole life away to him or something that night. I could murder him right now.
Enough of my troubles, anyway, hope the New Age retreat thingy is going well!! Don’t bother in future re. horoscopes, you know I’m not into all that crap.
Harry
***
[email of 17th September]
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
Hi,
How are you? Things aren’t so good here. My spiritual wellness retreat is lovely but not much progress on my book. And then I got our astrologer to draw up a chart for both Harry and Tom and they were terrible forecasts. I sent them, but now I’m not sure that was a good idea???
ANYWAY, what I wanted to ask was could you have a word with Bill about him and my Eddy’s farm? The whole thing is very distressing and I don’t know WHAT poor darling Eddy would have said. He set up West Minster Farms as an ETHICAL environmental business, which we all know is not Bill’s style. He must be rolling in his grave. Please please talk to Bill before someone gets hurt!!
Love Edie
*
[email of 20th September]
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
No, you probably shouldn’t have sent the horoscopes, but I wouldn’t worry too much. I’m pretty sure neither Tom or Harry believe in them anyway. Best to save your money in the first place!
As to Bill, he never listens to me. Those few months with him were the worst mistake of my life, and we all know why. Or at least, Harry certainly does, and if he wants to stop Bill from steam-rolling over your precious farm, he knows what he has to do. It isn’t the farm Bill wants!
So, I can’t do anything with Bill but I will give Harry a try, just for you. Knowing how stubborn both of them are, I doubt it’ll do much good. You’d probably be better off making sure you get anything valuable out of the farm before October comes around.
Mats
<3
*
[email of 22nd September]
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
hi Harry,
I had an email from Edie the other day – she seems to be getting upset over this business between you and Bill, and I can’t say I blame her. Can’t you sort something out? You must know this is still about that time you didn’t call him after you got back to the UK for months. He’s never got over it, or you, never mind what he says. I mean, you know what he’s like. He probably heard some of those ridiculous rumours about you and Alf’s daughter.
Anyway, best wishes and commiserations! I hear Edie sent you a charming horoscope! Bless. /o\ (Think all this is interfering with that bio of Eddy’s she’s writing – she was talking about Eddy as if he was a saint AGAIN, oh, God. I hate to think what the book’ll be like. I suppose at least it can’t be as bad as Aunt Emma’s ‘autobiog.’ That was pure crack.)
Oh, and if you survive Bill’s efforts to smoke you out of your den, put me down for the usual Special Hamper for Christmas. (Still can’t find anything to beat West Minster Farm honey over here, and that’s saying something.)
Thanks,
Mats
<3
*
[email of 24th September]
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
Hi Mats,
Good to hear from you! I would try to work something out with Bill if I could, but he’s not talking to me. I’ve texted, emailed, replied to his legal demands etc. etc., but no go. It’s not exactly making me feel much like getting back together! More of a reminder of all the reasons we broke it off in the first place. This is just NOT acceptable behaviour – normal people do not do this kind of thing after a break-up!
Talking of normal people, which doesn’t include any of my family, I now have to go to York to sort out Tom who’s mad at me over not letting him have one of my other farms, the one that Alf’s running. I think I’ll take the balance sheets and remind him how much money we lost when he was in charge. If you can speak to Judy in warning, it’d be much appreciated.
It’s always good to hear from you, and you and we WILL be doing our usual Christmas hampers range if it kills me. At this rate it might, especially according to Edie’s horoscope.
Harry
PS. The real reason you and Bill didn’t work out is because you’re sane and the rest of us aren’t. Look after yourself.
***
[email of 27th September]
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
Hi Bill
Look, can we just talk this over like adults?
And the fact that I’m saying this despite the WIRE FENCE you’ve now erected round the perimeter of my farm ought to show you that I mean it. Please reply!
Harry.
*
[email of 27th September]
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
Harry,
Unless you concede that the farm is mine and you promised it to me that night along with a lot of other things you also seem to have forgotten AND signed a legally binding document which my lawyer M. Otto witnessed, NO.
Do you need me to be any clearer on the subject?
Yours fondly,
Bill.
*
[email of 27th September]
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
God, Bill!!
Okay, I’m calling the fucking police about the fence and MY lawyer Mr. Stigand if you or any of your lackeys come near this place. Enter at your peril!
H. Godwinson.
***
[text of 27th September from Bill Norman to Harry Godwinson] 22:10
ha ur calling stigand a *lawyer* now?
*
[text of 27th September from Harry Godwinson to Bill Norman] 22:23
what? hes qualified!
*
[text of 27th September from Bill Norman to Harry Godwinson] 22: 31
LOL is that what he told u?
***
THE BAYEUX BLOGGER
28th September
Mark it in your diaries: the date for the West Minster Farms protest is 14th October. Be there or watch another precious square kilometre of the countryside fall to Norman Enterprises.
We’ll be taking pictures of the best banners as usual. See you there!
***
[email of 14th October]
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
Hi Edie,
No need to worry about Tom! Have managed to get up to York and had it out with him at last. Literally, worse luck - left him nursing a black eye, but I think he understands the situation now.
Sorry must stop now. Guess who’s at the gate with an army of lawyers, lackeys and a couple of JCBs?
Yes, it’s Bill. But we’re not giving in without a fight – I think he’s in for a shock.
And, no, really, NO need to send another horoscope! Just enjoy your retreat, I’ll see you when you get back, assuming this place is still standing and I’m still alive.
Harry
***
[email of 14th October]
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
Harry! It’s all over twitter that Bill shot you in the eye or something!! Tell me it isn’t true! You are still alive?!!!??? What will I do if you’re not???
Edie
*
[email of 14th October]
from: [email protected]
to: [email protected]
The rumours of my death have been exaggerated, don’t worry. Don’t go on twitter – thought that’s why you went on a retreat anyway, to get away from all the modern toxic social wotsits.
Look, can’t type more now, Bill’s threatening to burn the barn down.
***
[text of 14th October from Bill Norman to Harry Godwinson] 11:26
who got shot? (sorry!)
*
[text of 14th October from Harry Godwinson to Bill Norman] 11:30
next time ask before u shoot. (get stuffed)
*
[text of 14th October from Bill Norman to Harry Godwinson] 11:34
it wasn’t me. bees. come down here!
*
[text of 14th October from Harry Godwinson to Bill Norman] 11:40
bees? and not likely with ur thugs out there with GUNS.
*
[text of 14th October from Bill Norman to Harry Godwinson] 11:45
come down here now harry or I burn ur barn!
***
THE BAYEUX BLOGGER
14th October 22:01PM
I know many of you are dying to hear the true story of what happened at West Minster Farm – a date that will go down in history! And, despite being exhausted and more than slightly singed, I have dragged myself to my laptop to tell you all. May you live in interesting times, they say – and we certainly do.
Everything initially proceeded in the usual charming Norman Enterprises way – contractors and machines, lawyers making threats, bully boys present and correct, plus a handful of police trying to make sure we ‘dangerous’ protestors kept back.
At that point, everything swiftly became more unpredictable. The Godwinsons had barricaded themselves and their employees into the farmhouse and prepared to stand siege, despite Bill bellowing threats below. Things didn’t look too hopeful for the plucky organic farmers, but next up all of us outsiders were rushed by a lot of sheep, plus a sheep-dog and an irate shepherd who said we were blocking his path. They had to back off both the JCBs.
Once we’d all got out of the way of the sheep, the attackers regrouped, only to be met by an unexpected swarm of bees, causing panic. Someone said Bill himself had been stung and was having an allergic reaction – and then one of his less intelligent ‘bodyguards’ let lose a shot, smashing a window of the farmhouse and hitting the figure standing at the window right in the eye. Was it Harry G was the question everyone was asking? (Well, most people. I just phoned for an ambulance without asking for names first.)
The police dealt with the now apologetic gunman, while Bill turned up again and made it more than plain he was still unstung and very much alive and kicking. (For those who are worried, spoilers: the Godwinsons used a couple of scarecrows and this year’s guys ready for bonfire night to big up their numbers, so it was only a dummy that got shot. The ambulance people were less impressed, but all’s well that ends without serious head trauma incidents as far as I’m concerned).
Anyway, by that point Bill Norman had lost his usual cool and was yelling for Harry Godwinson to come out and face him or he’d burn down the barn. Harry did finally come down – just not in time to stop the barn going up in flames.
So, we were all busy – protestors and capitalist lackeys alike – at that point, trying to put out the fire before it did any more damage, but I am reliably informed that Bill greeted Harry by calling him a liar and a hypocrite, at which Harry said he was a madman and effing arsonist.
Maybe less reliably – this was the point at which your humble blogger nearly got more than singed at the edges – I’m told that after that, they started making out. (Someone claimed to have pictures, but I’ve seen them, and they mostly contain a) fire, b) sheep, and c) blurry figures who could be anyone doing anything.)
What I can say for sure is that it was Harry Godwinson who bailed Bill Norman out of jail that night. Make of that what you will. And West Minster Farm is still standing, even if one of its barns is a smouldering heap of charcoal.
I expect it’ll all come out in court one day…
***
[From Sussex Chronicle of 15th October]
FIRE: A minor fire occurred at West Minster Farm during a protest yesterday. A barn caught alight, but emergency services arrived on the scene and extinguished the flames. Police are not looking for anyone in connection with the incident.
***
THE BAYEUX BLOGGER
16th October 10:31 AM
A few extra notes on our adventures earlier in the week –
* Strangely little media coverage of the event. No doubt due to Bill Norman, using his cash to silence his critics as usual. Some things never change.
* But some things do! Someone spotted this on @homespuntwaddle on twitter – turns out Harry G and Bill N are now engaged. Who would have guessed it?
* Though much as I’d like to think love will reform Bill Norman, we hear he’s already been trying to buy out Marks & Sparks. Watch this space for more.
Place your bets now on how long this one lasts, people.
***
[text of 24th December from Harry Godwinson to Bill Norman] 22:45
am still going to marry u 2moro – just 1 condition
*
[text of 24th December from Bill Norman to Harry Godwinson] 22:51
farm is now both of rs its ok.
*
[text of 24th December Harry Godwinson to Bill Norman] 22:55
OMG Bill. No – just dont burn the register office down. ok?
*
[text of 24th December from Bill Norman to Harry Godwinson] 23:04
not funny harry. Condition 4 u – dont break wedding vow!
*
[text of 24th December Harry Godwinson to Bill Norman] 23:10
I was DRUNK the other time so does not count BUT believe me wd not dare dont worry.
<3
*
[text of 24th December from Bill Norman to Harry Godwinson] 23:15
<3