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Bruce was in a particularly foul mood, and no one knew why. What they did know was that Bruce had started the previous day in an ambivalent mood, eaten his usual breakfast of oatmeal and a protein shake, and had gone down to the Batcave to work. Then, after patrol, everything had gone to hell, and Bruce had become snappish and upset, muttering about “lecherous men” and “kill him so hard”.
The next day, Bruce’s mood still had not improved, despite Tim’s attempts to distract him with a new tranquilizer gun, and Damain’s attempts to be cute. Jason decided that it was time to pull out the big guns. “Ooh, I’m so mad,” he said loudly, to no one in particular. “I’m going to kill the Joker!”
Bruce did not react, still brooding.
Jason upped the ante. “With a gun!”
Still nothing.
“Bang bang!”
Bruce itched his face, but otherwise did nothing.
Jason frowned and turned to his little brothers. “This is serious. It’s time to get Dick.”
No sooner than it was said, Dick came prancing into the house. “Hi guys!” He said, beaming around at everyone. Damian dashed forward to bask in some Grayson Goodness, while Tim slunk forward to attach himself to Dick, like drying spaghetti on clothing.
“Psst,” Jason hissed. Dick looked at him questioningly. “Bruce is being weird and broody.”
Dick nodded. Time to spread the love. “Bruce!” He sang, and floated towards his father. “I missed you!”
Bruce looked up from his brooding and stared at Dick. Then, he choked back a sob, much to the horror of those present. “B-Bruce?” Dick stammered. “What’s wrong?”
“Oh Dick,” Bruce said gruffly, but emotionally, “my sweet boy. I don’t know how to tell you this.”
Dick gasped, and sat down next to Bruce. “You can tell me anything, Bruce. Please, I want to help lighten your burdens!”
Damian rushed forward. “Father! Are you readying yourself to pass away? Is you’re health failing you?”
Tim gave a muted scream and stumbled back into Jason, who immediately whipped out his brother’s anxiety medication and shoved a pill into Tim’s mouth.
Bruce looked askance at Damian. “What? No, I’m not dying,” he said. He looked at Dick. “It concerns Dick...and his relationship with Wally.”
Damian’s eyes filled with tears. “Then it is Grayson who is dying, and we must take in his widow West and care for him in his distraught state!”
“No! No one is dying!” Bruce said urgently, as Tim straight up fainted and Jason started giving him mouth-to-mouth. “Dick, it pains me to say that Wally is not in love with you.”
There was pin drop silence. Dick looked confused. “What are you talking about? Of course he’s in love with me.”
“No,” Bruce said mournfully. “He is in love with me.”
At this, Jason fainted also, collapsing in a heap on top of Tim, leaving Cassandra to urgently try and revive them.
Dick looked bemused. “I’m pretty sure he’s not. Why do you say so?”
Bruce sighed heavily, as Tim and Jason both regained consciousness with harried screams before Cassandra or Stephanie could give them mouth-to-mouth. “I was in the Batcave,” Bruce said. “It was after patrol, and I was just closing down for the night. Or morning. Whatever.”
Dick sniggered.
“I was undoing my armor, when I felt arms encircling my waist,” Bruce continued. “I thought that it was you, Dick, sneaking in for a late hug. I let it continue.” Bruce gulped. “Then, I felt the figure move and before I knew what was happening...he was kissing me. Wally, your boyfriend, was kissing me, your father!”
Everyone gasped. It was a shocking betrayal of Dick’s love and trust, and Bruce’s respect.
Bruce turned pained eyes upon his eldest, bereft son. “So I’m sorry, Dick,” he choked. “I’m so sorry, but now, Wallace must die. Jason,” he said, “you may do the honours.”
“Cool,” Jason said, and pulled a gun from an unspeakable part of his anatomy.
“No!” Dick screeched.
“Be still, Grayson!” Damian cried, clambering on top of Dick’s lap, “You are going mad in your grief! Let me absorb your pain!” Damian latched onto Dick, and covered him with a starfish-like hug.
“You’ve got it all wrong!” Dick cried, standing up, careful to balance Damian in his arms, who was clinging to him like a lemur. “Wally is innocent! He told me everything!”
“Explain,” Bruce said gruffly.
Dick sat back down and took Bruce’s hand in both of his own. “Bruce, when Wally kissed you, he thought that it was me,” Dick said. “I was moonlighting as Batman for the past year when you were gone, and Wally got used to seeing me in the Batsuit. In the darkness, he only saw the silhouette of the suit, and thought that it was me.”
Bruce looked stunned. “So, Wallace does not yearn for my body?”
“No, Bruce, he yearns only for mine,” Dick said. “He’s in the car outside, crying, because he’s so ashamed and wanted to explain himself to you.”
Damian unlatched himself from Dick and ran to the window. “It is true! West is in the car, weeping like a babe!”
Bruce let out a heavy breath of relief and sank into his armchair. “Send him in,” he directed, “so that we may hear his apologies.”
Jason stormed out and led Wally back in at gunpoint. The sniffling ginger speedster immediately threw himself at Bruce’s feet. “I’m so sorry, Mr. Wayne!” He cried. “I was a fool! An animalistic, hormone-driven, lovesick fool! I love Dick, and only Dick! I am ashamed and disgusted that my lips touched any other but his!”
“Go on,” Bruce instructed.
“I am sorry for violating your lips with my unworthy ones!” Wally continued inbetween sobs. “I can never forget the touch that we shared, but I will consign that memory to the deepest pits of my own personal hell! Please, forgive me!”
Bruce looked at Dick. “Well, son? Do you forgive this lowly ginger cad?”
“I do,” Dick said lovingly. “Wally, come and embrace me,” he said softly. Wally picked himself up off the ground ad flung himself into his true lover’s arms. “There, there,” Dick cooed, “it’s over now. It was all a bad memory. We’ll make new one, have new touches, together.”
“Ew,” Jason said, and quickly exited the room, dragging Tim and Cassandra with him. Bruce escaped as well, snagging Damian, who was approaching Wally with a dagger.
Only Stephanie remained, eagerly transcribing the scene for her latest brainchild, an erotic, smutty, superhero love story, starring Fast Boy, the lovesick speedy hero, who pines for his love, the beautiful and lethal Pretty Bird. Separating their love was Pretty Bird’s demonic and overbearing father, Butt Man, who sought to squish true love with the power of his gigantic, evil, butt.
Seeing Stephanie hanging around, Bruce snagged her as well. “Are you still writing that horrible book?” He demanded. “I thought I told you to stop.”
“You can’t stifle my creative talent, Butt Man!” Stephanie cried.
“I will instruct every publisher in Gotham to turn you away.”
“I will self publish on Tumblr!”
“Your blog is unpopular.”
“Your face is unpopular!”
The argument continued in this vein, but it was only background noise for the two lovebirds, reunited in each other’s arms. After all, their love was more powerful than even the pettiest of Bruce’s arguments.
***
One Punch at a Time, by Stephanie Brown went on to become a bestseller. It became known in literary circles as a comedic masterpiece based on the mysterious private lives of Earth’s heroes.
On the first page, there was a dedication to Stephanie’s mentor, Bruce Wayne.
***