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“Cards against humanity? Are you sure about this Barton?” Bruce asks with a wary look, passing a beer over to Steve as he sits down around the table.
“Positive.” He says as he begins to shuffle the cards with an archer’s dexterity.
“I think I might be with Bruce on this one.” Steve says as he surveys the game with concern. Part of that concern may be due to what they now refer to as “The Monopoly Incident”. There were still small dents in the walls from the playing pieces being thrown and most of the cards had been burned.
“I swear, this one is way less dangerous than Monopoly. It’s funny, I promise. Someone just puts a card down and we all pick one of ours to fill in the blank. The more hilarious and fucked up, the better.” Clint says with a devious smile as he begins to deal out the cards.
“I believe I understand this game Barton.” Thor says with a smile, taking another swig of Asgardian mead. All games had a 50/50 chance of Thor either missing the point, or killing them all.
That was how Risk was banned from the tower.
He can’t help the small smile that creeps onto his face as he surveys the group of weirdos gathered around the table. He has no idea how these people went from teammates to friends to something resembling a family, but he honestly doesn’t know if he could be any happier.
Well, maybe one thing could make him happier.
A blonde, buff, sweet, charming thing sitting at the table.
Of course, just when his life was going so well, he had to go and get a crush on his teammate, who was so far out of his league they weren’t even playing the same sport. It’s like Steve was in the NBA and he worked at the muffler shop next door.
And the worst thing was, Steve was so completely oblivious to the effect he had on him. He would constantly throw his arm around him or place his hand on his or accidentally doze off and let his head rest of his shoulder. And it felt so good but was so painful at the same time.
“Now, less complaining, more playing.” Clint says as he places a card down.
‘I drink to forget ___’
“Barton, you made this way too easy.” He says with a laugh as he immediately puts down a card.
It took less than twenty seconds for everyone else to put their cards down, and Clint grabbed them to read them.
“One night with a hooker, my relationship status, hangovers, my crushing personal debt, Budapest!” Clint yells out the last card, holding it up victoriously.
“I can never tell if that was the best or the worst mission for the two of you.” He says slyly as Clint and Natasha high-five.
“Both.” Nat says with a wink, holding the card victoriously.
“One day I’ll hear about that mission.” He says, the same thing he’s been saying for years now.
“Over Clint’s dead body Stark.” Natasha says with a wink.
“Trust me, you don’t want to know Tony.” Bruce says with a sigh as he reaches for the next card.
“You know?” He asks with a gasp.
“I wish I didn’t.” Bruce says, placing the next card down.
‘____ turns me into a big green rage monster.
“Clint, did you plan this?” Bruce asks with a stare.
“What? Come on? You guys are so suspicious, just because I am a highly skilled spy and marksman doesn’t mean I could have possibly done this.” Clint says, way too wide eyed.
“Mmmm highly skilled might be a little exaggerated… I saw you run into the fridge this morning.” Natasha says with a smirk.
“You also broke out toaster.” Steve points out, gesturing to the flame mark still on the way.
“Minor details haters, play your cards.” Clint says with a snort as he slides his card over.
Eventually they all put their cards in before Bruce gathers them to read them.
“The cancellation of Firefly, sharp objects, flat-earthers, being a bottom and….teabagging?” Bruce asks, trying to hold in the laughter.
“Yes my friend, you always get upset when people leave their teabags on the counter, instead of the garbage can. I have seen you angry many times over it.” Thor says earnestly.
There’s a collective pause as everyone just looks at each other with wide eyed expressions, unsure what to do next. Was he really going to have to explain tea bagging to the God of Thunder?
“Thor, that’s not-“ He begins before Bruce cuts him off with a look.
“Fair that you know me so well, you definitely win this round.” Bruce says, handing Thor the card.
“Thank you friend.” Thor says with a grin.
“Okay, who put Bruce being a bottom, because I personally think that would be the Hulk’s happy place-“ He begins before Natasha cuts him off.
“Thor, your turn.” She says with a smile. She always had a soft spot for him, probably because he was one of the few people who could spar with her.
“Oh course, here is my card!” He says, placing the card down so hard there was an audible crack of the table.
‘I am Thor, God of ____’
“Clint, you motherfucker.” He says with a laugh. He can’t even be mad at this point.
Everyone once again tosses their cards down relatively quickly and Thor gathers them quickly to read aloud.
“Not knowing what’s going on, mead, biceps, family problems, making everyone a little bit gay.” Thor says with a laugh as he picks out the last car. Steve reaches out to grab it and everyone’s a little impressed.
“Oh my gosh, we are learning so much about Captain America tonight.” Clint says, completely in awe.
“I am honored if I am causing you these thoughts Steven.” Thor says earnestly as he claps him on the back.
Tony feels his jealously rearing up at that thought, and he feels his jaw clenching tightly. Who knew he had such a jealous side?
“Alright, think it’s my turn.” He blurts out, reaching for a card. He doesn’t care how obvious he is, he just needs to derail that conversation.
“What is Iron Man’s guilty pleasure?” He says with a laugh as he places the card down.
“No way, no fucking way is Tony a card and I’m not!” Clint says with a pout, as he shuffles through his cards.
“Believe it bird brains, although I’m not exactly thrilled to see what you put down.” He says, unsure if he wants to actually see the results. He’s pretty sure all the answers are going to just roast him mercilessly and he takes another drink to prepare himself.
“All right, let’s see all the offensive cards you guys put down.” He says with an eye roll as he grabs them and begins to read them.
“Strippers. Really Clint, couldn’t come up with something more creative?” He asks with a laugh as he throws the card at Clint. “We also have ‘tequila’, come on you guys, you know I’m a whiskey man. ‘Hero antics’, aww that’s sweet. ‘A butt load of robots’, well you’re not wrong. And…”
He trails off as he looks at the last card, feeling the words get caught in his throat.
‘Captain America’.
Who put this down? Did they know about his embarrassing crush? Was he really that obvious? Were they messing with him?
He feels his brain whirling around as he tries to figure out how to react and he really wishes everyone wasn’t staring at him so intently.
“What does it say?” Nat asks as she quirks an eyebrow.
“Seriously, what has got Tony Stark speechless?” Clint asks with a snort.
“Ugh, who ever put this card down, congrats, you win. I’m done playing.” He says, folding the card and placing it in his pocket as he stands abruptly.
“Come on Tony, what does it say? I’m sure they were just kidding.” Bruce says gently, trying to calm him down.
“Have a good night guys.” He says as he turns, leaving the family room even as everyone tries to call him back.
He heads straight for his bedroom, quickly locking the door behind him. He tries to even out his breathing as he rests with his back against the door, his mind still whirling.
There’s a knock at the door and he stifles the groan he wants to let out. The one downside of living with your friends is that they never leave you alone.
“Bruce, it’s fine, I just need a minute.” He responds, hoping Bruce doesn’t point out that he’s being a drama queen.
“It’s not Bruce.” Steve responds.
“Steve, I’m fine.” He says, wishing it was anyone else but him on the other side of the door.
“Can you please open the door Tony?’ He asks gently.
He wants to say no, but that’s one thing he sucks at saying to the other man.
He slowly opens the door and hope his face is free of emotions.
“Steve-“ He starts off, hoping he can brush off the other man quick enough.
“I guess my card wasn’t that funny.” Steve mutters, blushing deeply.
“I…. That was your card?” He asks, his mind going blank. Out of all of the situations he had imagined, this had never once been one of them.
“Yeah… I’m sorry, it was stupid, I guess I was trying to say-“ Steve starts before Tony cuts him off.
“That you know I have a crush on you.” He finishes lamely, wishing he didn’t sound so completely pathetic. He wondered how long the other man had known, how long he had been thinking of a way to gently let him down. He must have been so obvious, it was embarrassing just to think about.
He finally looks up at Steve, and the other man is just staring at him with his jaw open.
“I mean… you knew that right? That’s why you played that card, right?” He asks, squinting his eyes. He’s unsure what to make of Steve’s reaction, or even what’s actually going on right now.
“Tony Stark, you total moron.” Steve says suddenly, stepping through the threshold and grabbing his face and kissing him deeply. He’s so stunned he forgets how to function and pretty much has to kiss back on auto piolet at first. His brain thankfully comes back on line and Steve Rogers is actually kissing him and wow, is he good at kissing.
“Wait-wait-wait-“ He says, pulling away slightly despite every inch of him screaming at him to keep kissing.
“I put the card down so you would finally get that I liked you, dummy.” Steve says with a smile, chuckling slightly.
“What?” He asks, completely stunned by the turn of events. Because honestly, in what kind of universe would Steve Rogers have a crush on him?
“It’s funny, because I am so totally, completely head-over-heels for you Tony, you are every one of my guilty pleasures.” Steve says softly, before he leans in and kisses him again.
God bless Cards Against Humanity.