Chapter Text
When looking back at his time on High School Rapper 2, Byungjae felt a whirlwind of emotions. Regret, nervousness, fear, even hatred, they blotted over those memories with Haon and how he felt standing next to him on stage. Like spilt ink, Byungjae couldn’t erase those poisonous and overwhelming feelings that engulfed him after the end of the show. But late at night, when he was alone in his bed, still clinging to the warmth of the day, he remembered that cheery smile, frizzy hair and bright clothing. Pieces of Haon that still lingered in his memory, even though the real version was no longer around. He wondered how Haon was, if he was eating well, if he was having fun with his Higher Music members…and if he ever thought of Byungjae these days.
Standing with Haon at his side, trying to settle his heart before their Barcode stage, Byungjae felt all of his ink black demons reaching their cold claws around his heart, his lungs, squeezing the sound out of his throat. His heartbeat thundered in his ears and the world was beginning to move out of focus. Byungjae knew he was spiraling into his usual pattern of self-doubt and hatred, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.
Please not here, not now. Any time but now. I need to be here for Haon, for our team.
Byungjae begged any and all higher power to pull him out of his descent into fear. Perhaps someone heard his prayer, because he felt a rough, small hand grasp his own. Looking through his bangs, he saw Haon’s small smile, illuminated with slices of light.
Like a barcode
Byungjae thought ruefully. His heartbeat was still racing in his ears, so he couldn’t make out what Haon was saying to him, but what he saw in Haon’s eyes made his heartbeat quicken in a different way. Warmth and kindness, with a flicker of something deeper, more intense, they filled Byungjae’s weary heart, overflowing from his teammate’s eyes. It reminded Byungjae of a mother’s embrace, his father tussling his hair, a first love. Even with his palms still sweaty, his throat dry, in that moment he knew that everything would be alright.
Haon and Byungjae were indeed each other’s light to the darkness. Haon reached out with skinny, knobby arms and embraced Byungjae’s bruised and damaged heart. In return, Byungjae opened up, returning Haon’s affections with a gentle hand around the shoulder, a brush of the hand accompanied by a blush, a fuzzy head against a shorter chest. When Byungjae cut his hair, he laughed as Haon mussed it up and teasingly exclaimed he was now the best looking in Kiff Clan. It was like a warmth, a buttery golden light had invaded Byungjae’s soul, filtering its way through all the cracks and holes just as Haon had inserted his presence into Byungjae’s life the first day that they had met.
However, this contrast, a relationship built on their mutual respect for one another, had only just formed when they were thrust back into the real world, no longer in their small bubble created by the competition. Life progressed and Haon and Byungjae were swept along with it. Haon was signed by Higher Music, while Byungjae had signed with Romantic Company. While they still clung to the newborn fragments of their relationship during the Kiff Clan tour, cracks had already begun to appear. Looking back, Byungjae didn’t place the blame on Haon or himself. It was more just an inevitable separation as the tides of fame and real life slowly pushed the two apart.
When Byungjae looked in the mirror these days, he could no longer find the Byungjae that loved Haon. After his small blowup on social media, leading to a rather large scandal, he felt like he lost the last bit of innocence in his heart. The world was a cold place, full of traps and judgmental eyes, ready to swallow up all those who stumbled. While Byungjae had lost some of the relationships he held dearest to him at the start of High School Rapper, some faded away, some abruptly cut, he treasured the memory of a time that permanently changed him as a person. Even though he had long forgotten the smell of Haon’s shirts, even though their chat hadn’t been opened in many months, and even though Haon’s eyes no longer glittered in that special way when he saw Byungjae at concerts or in passing, Byungjae was alright. He didn’t need anyone to repel his demons for him anymore. Even when he slipped up and felt his sadness and fear begin to swallow him, Byungjae had more to fight for. His career, his friends, the hope for a bright future. All these things kept him moving and gave him purpose in life.
Before Haon, he never felt that there was anyone on his side, anyone rooting for him. But after meeting Haon and having his eyes opened to what the world looked like from his point of view, Byungjae looked around and saw his friends, his family and even his fans. He felt their love and support, instead of being wrapped up in his isolation and sadness. Every morning he woke up, brushed his teeth, took his meds and tried his best to love the Byungjae he saw in the mirror. He wasn’t perfect, and sometimes he felt his old darkness slip in, but Byungjae no longer felt that he was sinking.
He would always be the Byungjae that treasured his moments with Haon, but he was also the Vinxen that knew when it was time to move on.