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Patton has been one of the few certainties Logan has ever had. In a world of changing variables, there he is, an always.
Which is probably why Logan finds it so terrifying that he could get things wrong and lose him.
Logan remembers the feeling starting slowly and simply. It’s a fleeting, in the moment thing- like trying to capture the sun as it darts behind clouds.
He remembers entering the kitchen one night and finding Patton still up, staring at a blank word document. He reasons that perhaps even Patton can get stressed, sometimes. Judging by the lateness of the hour, and how Patton’s lifting up his glasses to rub at his eyes, Logan thinks the time for work is over.
He boils the kettle in preparation for tea and is in the middle of reaching for his mug when he asks Patton if he’d like a drink.
Patton turns off his laptop, and just shrugs and smiles. “Whatever you’re having.”
“But-why would-” Logan grabs his mug and searches for Patton’s, quickly hiding a smile behind his hand. “Patton, you don’t even like tea.”
He debates whether or not to make Patton a hot chocolate since he knows he definitely does like that, at least, but worries if the sugar will keep him up. The decision is taken out of his hands when, after stirring his tea, he looks up and sees Patton’s head tilting sideways.
“Patton?” Logan goes over to the couch and it’s only when his hand has already reached out to carefully support Patton’s head that he realises he’s done it in the first place. What on earth...?
Patton leans against his hand, murmuring. Logan can just make out his name, but it sounds more like a tired breath of air, just an L, g and n meshed together. He sits down next to him, reasoning that otherwise Patton will hurt his neck, and that won’t do.
“Mm...” Patton half collapses against him, and tea sloshes over the mug onto Logan’s fingers, but he finds he doesn’t mind. “You’re warm.”
“I-well-” Logan clears his throat. “Wouldn’t you be comfier in your bed?”
Patton yawns. “M’comfy now, though.”
“Oh.” He’s smiling, looking down at Patton and smiling even though Patton’s eyes are quite clearly closed. Why? “Sound reasoning, I suppose.”
Logan drinks his tea and lets Patton sleep on. Every so often, Patton sleep-talks, just nonsense syllables, and Logan can feel his lips moving against his neck.
Which is. Well. Something.
Logan always finds it funny how Roman actually bothers with the courtesy of knocking before just barging in regardless of the answer. By ‘funny’, of course, he means deadly annoying.
“I. Am. Working,” he says, punctuating each word with a clap. He’s not really sure why- maybe he’s trying to scare Roman away the same way you would with a cat.
“I. Have. A. Dilemma,” Roman replies without missing a beat, clapping back in his face.
“Ugh.” Logan groans, leaning back in his chair. “Your dilemmas are all one and the same. The answer is always: yes, Virgil likes you, yes you should go for it, yes do whatever you feel fitting on closing night but try not to give him a heart attack, yes-”
His phone buzzes. Logan considers just leaving it, but he glances down anyway, and opens the notification when he sees it’s from Patton.
“I thought you were working,” Roman says, sounding far too smug for a lovesick idiot.
Logan ignores him. He resists tutting when he sees Patton is lost on campus again. He quickly texts out directions, adding pictures of streets and buildings because he knows Patton finds that easier.
“Ohhhh, I seeee.”
Logan blinks, startled to find Roman leaning over his shoulder. “What are you implying?”
“I mean,” Roman says, pointing at Logan’s phone triumphantly, “that unless you’re suddenly smiling at your reflection, then you’re smiling cause someone’s texting you.”
Logan rolls his eyes. “I thought your disaster of a love life was the topic of conversation.”
Roman’s eyes light up. “Oh, my, Logan,” he smirks. “Do you realise what you just implied?”
“They’ll get together in the end,” Patton says, soothing.
Logan huffs, propping himself up on his elbows to look at Patton. They’re in Patton’s room, both ready too early for Wicked’s closing performance.
“They’d better,” Logan says. “There’s only so many times I can watch Virgil try on that damned jacket.”
Patton giggles. “Well, they’re practically dating already, anyway.”
“How so?”
“They just are.”
Logan raises an eyebrow. “I don’t follow.”
“They’re always spending time together, and whenever they’re not, they text each other a lot.” Patton shrugs and grins. “They just... enjoy each other’s company, I guess. They’re so obvious!”
Logan blinks. “Hmm. Obvious.”
Patton’s eyes are very blue. Logan, of course, has known this for as long as he’s known Patton but-
His eyes really are very blue, he thinks. He watches as Patton chats animatedly with the person on the till as he buys their tickets. Patton always has a way of looking like whatever you’re saying is the most amazing thing he’s ever heard. Logan doesn’t even realise that whatever Virgil is telling him is fading into the background as he stares and stares at Patton’s eyes.
He never really understood the expression ‘he lit up the room.’ But now, he thinks he finally gets it.
It’s funny. Logan is very aware that he’s just watched an entire musical, but if put on the spot to give a summary, he knows he’d crash and burn. He can only think: Patton- she thought- couple- me and- couple- Patton.
“I think I need to talk to you,” he says, already feeling himself becoming tongue-tied.
Patton stops, hand on the car door. “Yeah?”
“There- um-” Logan sucks in some air. “Someone thought we were a couple. Like. Together.”
Patton glances down, then back up again. “I know what ‘couple’ means, Logan.” When Logan can only flounder silently, Patton sighs. “Did it bother you that much?”
“What? Yes, of course!”
It’s only when Patton stiffens a little, and then gets into the car without another word that Logan thinks that perhaps wasn’t the most ideal phrasing.
“Wait!” He hurriedly opens his door and climbs inside. “Patton, obviously, I didn’t mean it like that, you don’t have to-”
“Obviously?” Patton’s voice is all hurt. “Logan, you’ve got to give me some slack, I don’t know what goes on in that big brain of yours all the time!” But then, he swallows. Smiles. “Sorry. I... I think I get what you’re saying. Because I- I’ve felt it for ages and I’ve seen.” He stops. “I mean I hope I’ve seen... Signs. So...?”
“So...?”
“So, do you... um, agree?”
Logan feels abruptly lost at sea. This is new, uncharted territory. “I- I don’t unders-I mean, I’m not sure.”
Patton swallows again. He reaches out to grip the steering wheel, even though they’re not driving. “I’m sure, Logan. But, I... look, I just don’t want to get hurt, okay? I- I can’t... you have to be sure, too.”
Thinking. Difficult. Made... Patton cry. Stupid, stupid, stupid. He. Deserves better.
Why... drink, why? Notor- what’s the word? Notorious lightweight.
Someone... someone speaking? Virgil, Virgil, THE ESSAY-
Now, Logan grips the phone tight as the video plays.
“Come on, Patton.” Roman’s voice is eager, uplifting. “Like we rehearsed, remember?”
Patton looks right into the camera, eyes bright. Logan’s palm sweats, and he almost drops the phone.
“Yeah.” Patton smiles, somehow both looking nervous and excited. “I got it.” He gives an endearing little wave. “Hey, Logan. I... just... I’m sorry.” He shakes his head, laughing a bit. “We both were messes last night. And I just. Um. When you wake up tomorrow and-um- once you’re feeling better, obviously, I... uh, you should probably put some more ice on your hand or at least salve and-”
There’s a knock on the wall, and a distant yell that sounds suspiciously like Virgil saying, “Get on with it!”
Patton jumps, grins sheepishly, and actually pushes up his glasses on his nose by just a tiny movement. It makes Logan’s breath catch just a little, as he thinks it’s an almost perfect mirror of something he himself would do.
“Look, I just needed to let you know that... if you still think... if you still want what you said last night, then... yeah, I also really really really really-”
“Patton,” Roman snorts. “Tick tock.”
Patton breathes out. Blushes. “Then, yes, you can put your mouth on my mouth!”
There’s a crackle of distortion as Roman laughs far too loud for the phone to handle. There’s a blur of movement, the carpet appearing as Patton begins to laugh too, then the video ends. Logan lowers his hand, and is just about to head back inside to have another crisis when-
Patton- the real Patton- is staring back at him.
Logan yelps and Patton jumps back. “Sorry, sorry! I didn’t mean to startle you, I-”
“Yes,” Logan says clearly, because, damn it, he’s not letting hesitation win this time. “Yes, I remember and yes, yes, yes, and I- I’m sorry I’m an idiot, I-”
“Oh, Logan.” Patton shushes him. “You’re not an idiot. It- I’m sorry, too. I was... so nervous, and I let it get the better of me, and I should’ve-” He laughs, rolls his eyes. “It was such a stupid fight.”
Logan takes a step forward. Another. “I am sure, now.” His voice wobbles, but he knows it’s just out of nerves. Good nerves.
Patton smiles. “You don’t have to say that,” he says. “It’s okay if you’re not, I’m sorry I-”
“But, I am sure. Really and truly and-”
Logan steps forward until the only other step he can take is right onto Patton’s feet. He leans in closer still, then panics that he’s actually acting on instinct.
“I just-” He leans back. “Sorry. It’s just...” He gestures between them. “What... um... is this, exactly? Just so I...oh, God, I’m so-”
“It doesn’t have to be anything,” Patton reassures. “It’s about what we want.”
Logan just knows he wants. “What can it be?” he begs.
Patton smiles again. It’s like being able to watch the sun without your eyes hurting. “It can be this,” he whispers, and now he leans forward, carefully pulling Logan’s glasses off.
Of course, his vision blurs, but there’s one thing that’s still clear. A constant. An always.
“Your eyes are so blue,” Logan says, whispering in awe. “They’re- they’re like galaxies all of their own.”
Patton leans in more and finally, finally, Logan puts his mouth on Patton’s. It’s awkward, and Patton accidentally drops Logan’s glasses, but Logan doesn’t care.
Because, above everything else, the kiss is breathtakingly sweet.
He feels Patton smile against his lips, a shared giggle caught between them. The clouds have parted. The sun... Logan lets his thoughts trail off into a daze as Patton pulls back, kissing him on the cheek and placing his glasses back, crooked on his nose.
The sun shines.