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Dean woke up with a weird feeling in his limbs. It had been too long since he last woke up to Cas' weight and warmth so he should be used to it by now, but today he felt the empty space next to him with brutal insistence. The pain in his chest was relentless, a burn and yearning that forced a groan past his lips. He stumbled out of bed, past the empty beer bottles. He rubbed at his chest and threw on some clothes. His arms felt heavy, but there was something beating under his ribs, his nerves tingling. Like he had somewhere to be, like he had something to find. But there was nothing. He knew it. There was nothing out there for him. Mom was lost. Cas was dead. But still the yearning didn't simmer down to the usual aching void inside of him.
He was almost surprised when Sam commented on him making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for breakfast. He didn't remember what had made his hands stray away from the pans and eggs and bacon. He tasted the jelly on his fingers. Grape. Castiel's favorite.
There was a flash of sadness in Sam's eyes, but he refrained from commenting on how Dean didn't even like PB&J all that much. Instead he covered the pity by offering Dean a beer.
Strangely, beer hadn't been on Dean's mind at all.
If Dean had hoped that Sam would keep his puppy eyed pity at bay, then Dean was mistaken. The considerate kindness was making this all so much worse.
"Yes, I lost Cas. And yes, it's horrible!" Dean told him, letting the anger override the pain. "You don't know what it's like to feel a mating bond go up in flames," Dean forced out. "Or what it's like to have Cas' scent disappear from the Bunker! But this is how it is! It sucks but I'll deal with it! Like I always have."
"How?" Sam asked patiently, shaking his head at Dean. He was sitting down on his bed, hands between his knees, looking as non-threatening and unconfrontational as possible. He was still pushing, but he had clearly changed tactics. Dean hated it. "The way dad dealt with losing mom?" Dean glared at his brother.
"Yeah, screw you," Dean said, then he left the room, slamming the door.
Sam didn't understand the emptiness or the rage that came with the loss of a mate. But this was different from that. Dean didn't understand what had changed, but the oppressive feeling that had eaten into Dean's soul had changed shape. Maybe he was processing it. Maybe this was a different stage of grief. Maybe Mia's reprimand had gotten through his head in one way or another. Dean didn't know.
But the hopeless yearning was almost worse than the void that had swallowed up his mating bond.
Dean glared up into the night sky, not a star in sight. The yearning was pointless. Cas wasn't out there. Cas was gone. Forever.
Sam's heart was currently beating a mile a minute even though their case had wound down to its sad end and it was time for him and Dean to disappear. Dean's recklessness during this case was shocking. Sam knew that Dean took great risks when a case demanded it, but this? This had been just a standard case. Nobody's life had been at stake and every other option had been more sensible than Dean plunging a needle with heart stopping substances into his chest.
When had temporary death become Dean's go to solution to problems? It was freaking Sam out. And he wanted to scream at his brother, shake him until the shattered pieces rattling painfully inside his brother fell back into place. Sam knew that Dean was hurting, but what point was there in throwing away his life like that?
But Sam couldn't get the words out. There was no way that he could look at Dean's expression as he watched Penny Raider grieve her son's death. So instead he asked "are you okay?" even though he knew that Dean wasn't. He didn't expect Dean to actually be honest about it though. But hearing Dean say that he wasn't okay didn't bring Sam the relief that he had hoped for. It didn't change a damn thing.
"It freaking hurts, Sam," Dean said hoarsely and Sam nodded, feeling his eyes sting and his throat close up painfully. But then he saw how Dean rubbed his chest, his eyes fluttered and then he swayed. Despite dread sinking into Sam he jumped into action, holding Dean up, trying to make him sit down on the hood of the car.
"I'm alright," Dean ground out, but then his knees buckled and his full weight landed on Sam. Sam felt the heat radiating off his brother right away. His scent was ashy.
"Dean! Hey!!" he shouted, drawing the attention of at least one of the officers on scene. Sam turned his head to see if the ambulance was still here. "HELP!" The officers ran to the ambulance and Sam turned back to look at Dean who was unconscious now.
With a flurry of questions that Sam had no answer to, Dean was whisked away into the ambulance.
It was scary to see Dean in the hospital bed. No matter how often they got banged up on the job, it never seemed to get any easier.
"Mr. Winchester." Sam turned to look towards the doctor who came into the room. Sam knew that there was no point in trying to scent anyone in the hospital, their smells all masked, which only made his own fearful scent and Dean's sickly one stand out even stronger. "Sorry to keep you waiting. I'm Dr. Irons." Sam nodded at her, taking in her relaxed posture. "Your brother isn't in any immediate danger." Sam sighed in relief, shaking his head. "Judged by the symptoms he displayed I had his hormone level checked."
"His hormone level…?" Dr. Irons nodded with a small, compassionate smile.
"Your brother is suffering from pining sickness. This early on the symptoms are fever and dizziness next to physical pain."
Sam stared at her and Dr. Irons continued to smile at him.
" I know that it's generally considered a typical omega's sickness but it's actually very common in alphas too."
"Oh… No, that's not why I was so…," Sam started then he looked at Dean. He was pale, with dark circles under his eyes. Sam tore his eyes away from his brother and looked at the doctor instead. "It's not possible. Dean's mate died suddenly about two weeks ago." He saw surprise flicker over Dr. Iron's face. But the professional mask was quick to return and her voice was calm and soothing as she talked:
"I apologize for asking, but are you sure that his mate died? Or are they missing?" Sam lowered his eyes. He still remembered that flash of blinding Grace, he saw how Cas crumbled to the floor. After that everything had been a blur. But he remembered Cas' body burning on that pyre and he remembered how Dean's scent had gone… cold. Distant.
"Yes. I'm sure," Sam said quietly. "And I knew what a dead mate did to our father. Dean's behaved similarly since Cas… since his mate died…" Sam felt the familiar pain claw at the inside of his throat and throb behind his eyes. He swallowed and looked at Dean. "And I've seen him pine before. He wasn't pining the last two weeks…"
"Yeah," Dr. Iron's said, the word coming out in a huff. She looked at the chart she held in her hands. "Your brother's hormone levels support that. His pining sickness is in its very early stages."
Sam looked at his brother, trying to come up with an explanation. What if… No. No that was just desperate hope. They burned Cas' body.
"Is there… a possible explanation to this apart from his mate still being alive?" The doctor drummed her nails against her clipboard, thinking.
"There have been cases where a similar scent could cause pining sickness despite a partner's death. Usually a sibling or a child of the deceased person…" she explained. Sam shook his head, but then he tensed. He sighed in defeat.
"Of course, Jack," he muttered and Dr. Irons lifted her eyebrow. "There's a kid. He was born shortly before Dean's mate died. I think you could say that Dean rejected him because of that but I think he finally connected a bit with him recently." Sam rubbed his palms over his face. This couldn't be happening.
Dr. Iron's nodded, her expression understanding and pitying.
"Pining sickness is easy to treat," she said, "I'll prescribe your brother some pills to keep the pining at bay for some hours. Have him get back to his kid, let his brain catch up with what is happening. If the symptoms don't stop within three days, get back to a doctor and have your brother get a hormone injection." Dr. Irons handed Sam the prescription, then she shook his hand, wished him good luck and left them.
Sam heaved a sigh, then he sat down in the chair next to Dean's bed.
It didn't take all that long before Dean woke up. He frowned at Sam, then at the bed he way lying in.
"How are you, Dean?" Sam asked.
"Weird. Empty," he said and it sounded almost mournful. "What happened?"
"You fainted…," Sam told him softly. Dean lifted his eyebrow. "You've got pining sickness." When Dean wanted to protest, Sam repeated the doctor's explanation. Dean listened silently, his face hardening. He pressed his lips together, his jaw working, until he finally lowered his head. Sam could see the tears as they fell down on the blanket Dean had bunched in his fists.
"It sucks," Dean said, his voice shaking. "To be fooled into this yearning."
"I know…" Sam answered. Dean wiped his fingers over his eyes before covering them with his palms.
"Why couldn't Billie just keep me dead," he whispered but Sam heard him and he tensed.
"You can't mean that!" he exclaimed but Dean remained silent. "I need you here. Jack needs you here!" Dean dropped his hand and shook his head, but then he threw back the covers and got out of the hospital bed. "Dean!"
"I have to get out of here," Dean said and Sam didn't protest.
When they were back in the car, Dean insisting on driving, Sam was quiet. But the silence between them was too heavy to let it sit between them.
"You don't think… that Cas came back?" Dean didn't shoot him down at once, so Sam tentatively continued. "And that's why you experience pining sickness?"
"God, I wish," Dean said roughly. "But how? You said it's probably just Jack's Grace my stupid body is reacting to. It's a pretty shoddy explanation because Jack doesn't really smell much like Cas does."
"Yeah, but the Doctor doesn't know what we do… About people coming back," he said and Dean remained silent.
"We burned him, Sam."
"Maybe that doesn't stop angels from coming back," Sam suggested but he knew it was a flimsy argument.
"If he's back, then why hasn't he contacted us?" Dean snapped, but there was no heat behind his words.
"Well… maybe… maybe he doesn’t have a vessel?"
"Sam," Dean said with a sigh. "Please stop… It hurts. I can't hope for that." For a moment Sam thought about giving in, but then he shook his head.
"Well I can," he declared and Dean's eyes darted over to him before he looked back at the road. "You told me that I have to keep the faith for both of us. So I will!" Dean wiped his eyes but Sam saw a faint smile on his lips
"Thanks, Sam… You're annoying. But… thank you."
"You're welcome," Sam said and somehow he felt a tiny bubble of excitement form inside his chest. It was not without hope.
The phone call came two hours later. Sam knew immediately that something big was happening when he saw Dean's wide-eyed expression.
When they met Cas in that dark alley there wasn't a moment of doubt. Even through the medication Dean could tell that this was Cas. He stepped up to him and wrapped him up in a firm hug.
"Welcome home, Cas."
Cas returned the hug at once, his breath shuddering out of him on a suppressed sob. Dean blindly nosed at the skin of Cas' neck, just above his collar, breathing in his scent.
It was Cas. Undeniably Cas. Alive and back in his arms.
He felt something within him fall into place and settle.