Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Ὄνομα
Ónoma

“ That first step you take is the longest stride”

I woke at the sound of loud voices, finding myself on a large cushion in the middle of the main hall of our temple. Messy piles of paperwork scattered around on the floor, but I was alone. Almost, because those voices weren’t far away, they were muffled as to keep the volume at controlled levels, but the sounds traveled easily in that open space even with the light air [15] there. They were from Nainah and Suriel arguing, both clearly upset. Even though she used to scold him a lot, real fights like that were rare. So, it got me fully awake and worried.

I was still weak, not even close to being fully recovered and blinked many times to clear my vision and saw them across the hall behind the large columns. I also needed a bit of concentration to discern what they were saying, almost shouting really, in controlled dark voices.

“... tired of your shit excuses…”

“... don’t give a damn…”

“... u can’t just abandon your duties like that…”

“... didn’t! I asked Hildeth [16] to stay with him…”

“... she is new and has her own chorus…”

“... was just a couple of hours…”

“... don’t care even if it was only a couple of seconds…”

“... get off my case, mind your own business…”

“... I would, if you’d at least clean up your own mess…”

“... didn’t ask you to do anything…”

“... idiot! Should I let Zechsael know that you slipped down to Earth to fuck a human again ...?”

“...”

“... you know that he doesn’t approve you... your ways, why give him an excuse to finally get rid of you? Are you really this stupid, Suriel?”

“...”

“... is it that hard to keep your desire under control? We are in a situation here!”

“... just needed…”

“... yeah, yeah... spare me from the sordid details, I would rather know nothing…”

“... I…”

“... forget it. Just… try harder. In a time like this, if he finds out about it and just goes to the commander claiming that you aren’t adequate… you know what it could turn into…”

The room was still, quiet and heavy. Suriel just brushed his wavy bangs anxiously, rubbing his eyes, trying to find something to say. 

They were a bit off the line, more than what was shown on their faces because I could see a tip of their feelings at each phrase, it was from anger and exasperation, through impatience, even disgust, to end in resignation and, what worried me more, deep concern. My exhausted brain was still trying to piece that conversation together. 

It was Nainah that continued, “I don’t really care what you..." I could just see her disapproving look pointing down at his waist "... do , but you should be more discreet ." She made a pause turning to look at clouds outside, her body showing her discomfort and the next words came lower. "It's just me, Milouel and you who’ve known him from the beginning now. The others don't seem to know how much ‘Dael needs your... that he needs you. So, please… stop acting carelessly like that, if not for yourself, then for ‘Dael’s sake.”

She didn’t leave him time to reply, and I felt like he wouldn't know how to respond to that anyway. I, myself, wasn't sure about the implications of that, still, it left me with a bad sensation, a dark cold shiver running up my spine. Nainah spun in her soft sandals, walking away from him, right in my direction, just to stop suddenly when her gray bored eyes found me awake and looking in their direction.

“Malahidael…” her voice was surprised for a second and she averted her gaze so as not to meet mine, looking a bit embarrassed  “How are you feeling?”

“Better, I think…”

My eyes looked for Suriel but he averted his eyes too, looking down at his own feet, I couldn't decide what he was feeling with the dire look on his face. 

“Think?” Nainah called my attention, raising an eyebrow. “It’s nothing serious. Don't worry about it.” Her voice sounded soft, in a calming tone, wanting to put me at ease at the same time she was trying to discover how much I had listened. Still, I couldn't buy it. 

“Looked pretty serious to me.”

She came closer, kneeling and started to put some order to those scrolls, more to have something to do; her body language showing nothing but discomfort. “Sorry...” her murmur was full of embarrassment and I wasn't sure if it was said to me or Suriel, since she didn't look at either of us.

“Now that you have some strength back in you, go to your room… so you can sleep better than here.”

I felt hurt and excluded with her cold words. “Suriel…” I turned to him, pleading like I always did when I didn't know what else to do. I wasn't so naive as to not notice that there was something going on here. He didn't raise his eyes to look at me, just walked in heavy steps to lean in by her side, fussing over what should be his work there.

“Go rest a little more in your room, baby brother, I will check on you later…”

That hurt even more, I wanted to shout at them, demanding an explanation. I couldn't stand the thoughts that were swirling around in my mind. However, I wasn't sure if I wanted to know all about it. Even if what Suriel, or any of them, did wasn't my business, nor shouldn't be, even so... My chest was hurting too much so I just flew away.

I shouldn't have, I knew it and they should have known too. I think they were just too caught off guard by the moment to realize, but I should have reminded them that I hadn't recovered enough yet. The flight to my room expended what little energy that I had gained back, I almost thought that I wouldn’t make it.

I felt even worse sprawled on that cold floor, totally exhausted with no strength even to crawl to my bed. The tears flooded my eyes, brightening in the dark, and I just stayed there, feeling lonely and afraid of something that I couldn’t possibly have hoped to identify.

I wasn't sure how much time I spent there in that pitiful state, probably less than I realized, but it felt like an eternity to me. It wouldn't take very long anyway for Suriel, at least, to realize that I should have still been too weak to fly. Eventually I heard the sound of his metallic wings and felt his anxiousness at not seeing me immediately on the bed. It took a minute before he caught sight of my long wings on the floor.

“Oh god… I’m sorry, ‘Dael… I… I’m so sorry…” he rushed, circling the bed, to take me off of the floor and into his arms. “Why didn’t you say something…?” He chastised softly.

I was glad that he couldn’t actually see my feelings, even though I knew I was showing them on my face much more than I wanted. I was boneless in his arms, unable to hide anything in my condition and let him put me gently on the bed, my hand grabbing his arm before he could abandon me there. “Stay…”

His smile was a bit sad, but he carefully lowered himself down onto the bed next to me so that we were facing one another, concern was written all over his face. Yet, he didn’t say anything, probably still trying to avoid my questions. 

“Why?” I asked simply.

He closed his eyes for a moment, and when they opened once more, the icy gray was warmed with some flecks of absinthe green surrounding the pupil. “We just didn’t want to bother you…”

I let all my annoyance appear on my face at his attempts to leave me out of the matter and countered petulantly, “Seemed to be... grave .”

His smile grew, a bit fake, and a finger came tracing my jawline, poking at my pert nose. “See… bothered! No, baby brother, it was nothing out of the ordinary… it was just Nainah getting on my case… you know how they are…” he finished sticking his tongue out at me.

“She mentioned the commander…” I insisted, needing to know.

“I'm telling you, it was nothing that serious. You already have enough to deal with on your own… Please don’t be upset about that, little brother.”

“I just… I don’t want to lose anybody else… don’t want to lose you…” I couldn't hold back and grabbed him burying my face against his collarbone, not able to face that possibility.

“You won’t.” He held me firm, trying to give the assurance that I needed. “You won’t. The only one that can send me away is you… if you don’t want me to be by your side anymore.”

“That’s never gonna happen.” Was my resolute retort, his arms straightened around me.

“You know… that you are the most important to me, don’t you?” His tone was heavy and serious. I blinked a couple of times against his skin, but he didn't leave me space to look up at him. Of course, he wasn’t lying, but that could have meant a lot of things. I wasn’t ready to ask him what; especially not after just facing the fact that he had a lover down on Earth.

I stayed quiet and he didn’t press for my answer. I don’t know how long I stayed wrapped tightly in his arms, I probably ended up dozing off for a bit, because the next thing I knew there was some space in bed between us and he was just looking absently at the ceiling, one hand holding and turning a strand of my hair between his calloused fingers.

“Can I ask you something?” I ventured softly into the quiet stillness surrounding us.

I saw the surprise when he looked at me, “Anything you want, anything you need, baby brother.” 

Those plain, sincere words made me feel a bit unsure if I should ask, yet I needed to know, “How is it?” 

“What?” His eyes shone with genuine confusion.

“How is it… having a lover?”

The normally tanned skin of his face went pale, he was clearly startled, snapping back “How long…? How much did you hear?”

“Not sure…” I deflected, unwilling to let him change the subject.

“It’s not... I… I…” he looked away, embarrassed and lost, struggling with words.

“Do you love that person very much?”

“No! No, baby brother, it’s not like that….” He grabbed my arms, I was just as confused as he was guilty, and he bent to bury his face in my chest. That change of places showed me just how strained he must have been feeling, so instead I just focused on the fresh, clean smell of his thin fine, clear hair. It reminded me of the sweet, gentle breezes of Earth, which always helped me calm my soul.

“Tell me… I’m not judging, just curious… I would never dare ask Nainah how it is between her and Milou...” I pressed gently, running my fingers through the silken strands.

“Did you know about them?” Suriel looked up at me, showing real surprise at the revelation.

“I’m not that dumb… I see things happening around me.” I chided, frowning in a feigned offense.

“‘Dael…” his voice was full of concern, a different concern that wasn’t about his own behavior.

“I know… I ’m not going to say anything to anyone. It’s just you and me here…” It hurt me deeply that he felt the need to explain to me that I should keep secret the forbidden relationship between our sister and brother.

“Don’t you find it... wrong ?” I see trepidation coloring his voice

I was perplexed by his question, by him thinking that of me. “Of course not! Why would I?”

Suriel batted his clear eyelashes at me, seemingly astonished that I really didn’t find anything wrong with it. “I just… I thought that you wouldn’t approve it, because of what you are-”

I interrupted him, shaking my head and trying to hold back my tears, losing a bit of my gentleness, “What am I? So, what am I to you? Just a tool that can handle the energy of everything better any other? Am I just your precious duty?” I asked bitterly at the idea that somehow that was all that I would ever be to him, to anyone.

“No, no, no…” He shifted, gathering me in his arms, using a bit of force to hold me when I tried to shove him off. “No, you are not just a tool, not to me, not to any of the others. We love and cherish you very much, little brother… you are my morning light [17] . I just thought, because it’s a sin and it’s forbidden… that you could not...” He stammered, tripping over his words as he sought to comfort and reassure me.

“I can’t see any sin. It appears to be love in my eyes, so why should it be wrong? I truly don’t understand why it’s called taboo… so I can’t agree with that. Anyway, I’m not judging, I just want to know what it’s like to be with someone that you love. Tell me... how is it for you?” I asked again, hoping to not let too much of my frustration and melancholy sound in my words.

I felt, strangely, more than I saw the shame and regret in his eyes, he was having a hard time keeping his feelings shut inside, hidden deep behind a wall that was supposed to be impenetrable. “I’m sorry ‘Dael, it’s not like the love that’s held between Naina and Milou…” he released me, putting some space between us, too self-conscious in his battle against himself, not even able to look at me. “It’s not like that, there was no love… For me, it’s just physical, sometimes… sometimes I need some release… I… it’s just lust… Nainah was right, I shouldn’t do it, it’s a weakness… I… I’m sorry for being this way...”

Aside from his obvious grief, I was surprised and completely relieved, washed with a bright white wave of security, knowing that his heart wasn’t taken by an unknown human. I couldn't help but crawl into his lap, using all the strength left in me, before suddenly feeling a burst of boldness explode inside my chest and pulling his face down to me, kissing his lips; It was rough like that other one on the beach, I was insecure and obviously inexperienced, not sure what to do. He stayed still, the way he always stayed in those all too brief moments where I dared to kiss him on the lips. I was sure that he never understood that I really meant to kiss him, that I wanted him to kiss me back.

I drew back, to see his eyes, they were feverish, almost more green than gray now, still full of doubts as he was trying to understand what that meant. So, I leaned in again, hesitantly sucking his lower lip, before kissing him again and again. It was just after the third time I kissed him, that he stopped me before I reached his lips.

“‘Dael… What are you doing?” his voice sounded calm, but I could see a bit of the turmoil of his emotions, even if it wasn’t enough to sort it out.

“Show me…” I whispered, forcing my way forward to touch his mouth, placing another small kiss, “Show me what a lover’s kiss is like…”

My lips were trembling, as was my whole body and, for once, it was not just the tiredness taking over me. I had no idea what he could be thinking and I was a bit afraid. Afraid of him hating it, that I would be rejected. “I’m curious…” I murmured, without actually parting our lips, but moistening both with my tongue, fervently praying that he would give me some kind of reaction.

Somehow it worked. Suriel surrendered his iron will, lips moving over mine for the first time, his tongue shyly tracing the line between my lips, making me open them. His kiss was sweet and careful, his tongue reaching the inside of my mouth, finding mine and coiling around it smoothly.

I opened my mouth wider to allow him better access, my fingers digging into his skull, wanting more, trying to get a better angle, sucking his tongue deeper into my mouth. And then, suddenly, he stopped holding back, tilting my head to devour me. It was all I wanted and more. His large hands traveled along the curve of my spine, even over the fabric of my tunic, showing me how strong his passion could be. The only thing I could wish to add was seeing the true depth of his feelings, to know what that would mean to him, if that desire could be for me or if it was just the lust that he claimed to be his weakness that I had just awakened. I felt sad for feeling like it was never enough what he was giving me.

I wanted to taste every bit of him, feeling every sensation that he was causing on my worn body. I didn’t know that a kiss could be like that, my body seemingly taking on a will of its own, my arms coming up to circle around his neck and shoulders, trying to pull him ever closer to me, if that was even possible. I couldn't believe that he kissed a human the same way, would breathing even be possible? I didn't want it to end, I just wondered how it would be if he also loved me, not just granting me a wish, not just to satiate my curiosity, but also wanting to kiss me breathless like a human should be, making my lips swollen under his, making my body melt pressed tightly against his.

It was like a blissful dream that I wished could last forever. I didn't open my eyes when he gently pushed me back, settling me against his chest with his arms. I wanted to see nothing, thinking of nothing that could ruin that magic moment. I tried desperately to not cling to him, to not pay attention to the stiffness and tension of his body. I let him hold me, rocking us. “There, there… rest now my baby brother, you need some more rest…” I let the kindness of his voice and the sweet taste of him on my tongue guide me towards the land of dreams that I sincerely wished had more light than darkness this time.

Diana Lua
Diana C. Figueiredo

Written: Mar/16 and Dec/12/2017 - Published: Jan/19/2018

Beta Reader: SFA (Dec/2017) and Cylina Nightshade (Jan/2018)

Last change: Mar/23/2022

# So much thanks and love and every good wish in the world for SFA and Cylina for all help they give to me.

# I'm sorry for the amount of dialogue, I don't really like this format, but I thought that would be a good way of showing what was going on without much explanations and details, If I needed explain more could be boring, I thought that format for an overhead conversation would fit well.

# Yeah, I kinda had give up of post this here... but, suddenly, felt like give one more try