Chapter Text
And yet, they still hate him. Basil doesn't blame them, he's a fucked up freak. What kind of person hangs Mari. What kind of person stabs their best friend's eye out. They hate him for being a disgusting freak, for scaring Sunny in the bathroom. God he sounded so disgusting now that he thinks about it. Having a panic attack just because of Sunny moving away and then begging him to stay, disgusting. Sure he regrets his actions but what does it matter. They still happened, he hurt Sunny, he hurt everyone. Maybe he should attempt suicide again, well that would be selfish. Killing himself after everyone hates him, that's just pathetic. And yet it's what everyone wants, they want him to die. He still remembers the faces as Sunny explained, they looked at him, disgusted, angry, furious. Sunny too didn't even like him anymore, despite everything that had happened between them. He looked him straight in the eyes, and just stared. It wasn't a neutral expression, it was one of annoyance and anger. And then he left, everyone left. Leaving Basil in his room to contemplate his life decisions. He wants to do something to make it up to everyone, but what can he actually do.
Nothing he does will change anything, despite how much he wishes it will. He always wondered if his life was specifically designed to torture him. Like some malevolent entity came in and made sure that his entire life from start to finish was pain. Hah, sigh, what an insane thought, thinking that he's so special. He's not special, he's just bad, he's an awful human being. Laying in the hospital bed, all he wants to do is close his eyes and dream forever. To avoid having to live in this life that he had fucked up, a life he ruined because of his sheer stupidity and terror. Why did he do these things, why is he like this. Why can he never change, he wants to be a better person but what the fuck can he actually do. He just can't change because he will forever he a horrible human being. A fucked up disgusting freak that nobody loves and who will end up homeless and killing himself. That is his fate, a fate to be hated by everyone, because nobody has ever loved him. Maybe that's the problem, they loved not him, but a fake version he intentionally or unintentionally made. A version where he is not a disgusting unstable freak, but just a regular person. Someone who isn't him
And yet such a persona cannot last forever. And here he has been caught, his true self revealed. A self that even he has not even been fully aware of. He heard Aubrey talk about all the disgusting crap he did in those 4 years. All the begging, all the desperation, the attempts to get Kel and Aubrey to care about him again. The weird freakish attempts he did to just try to be loved. He apologized for it, and yet apologies don't matter when he doesn't change. Everyone knows he's fucked up, everyone knows now… even himself, at how terrible he is. He once slept on Aubrey's doorstep just to try to enter her life again. Why did he do that, he doesn't even fully remember. He never remembers, this is why he never changes. Why did he follow Kel around for an entire day just begging him to be his friend again. Why… was all of this being brought now. Kel knew this happened, Aubrey knew what he did to her. And yet now, with the truth out that he hung Mari. It must just fall into piece, they must all realize how awful he is. Even Sunny hates him now, he's sure that Sunny will never talk to him again in his life.
Despite how much he loves Sunny. Despite how much he's done for him, he still hurt Sunny. He still hung Mari after all, he still guilt tripped Kel and Sunny into getting the album for him. He still tried manipulating Sunny into being his friend again. He still acted like a weirdo at the old hangout spot. He still even attempted suicide right as everyone was having a good time in his living room. While one action alone doesn't mean much it adds up to paint a deeply broken and awful person. What can a Basil do to apologize for it, maybe he'll just go. His grandmother is dead anyways, so maybe he'll just leave this town. Go to another town and probably not talk to anyone anymore. If he never talks to anyone he can't hurt someone. Right? Sigh, what is wrong with him. He regrets his entire life, he regrets not conforming to his parents expectations, he regrets hanging Mari. He regrets just everything, what is there to not regret in his godforsaken life. Everyone would prefer it if he died, and yet they wouldn't. He's fucked, broken, mentally ill, whatever. He's every bad word that exists in the English language. Probably in a bunch of other languages too.
This is probably just the end of his life, he doubts that he'll make it another week at this rate. He wonders what everyone would think if he did kill himself. Would they be sad, glad, depressed, angry, annoyed. Why should he even care, he is selfish after all. He's selfish for doing anything, selfish for all his actions. He wants to call out to Sunny, to the boy he loves. To call him and have Sunny come back and tell him that he still cares about him. And yet he knows that'll never happened, he knows that Sunny will never return. He understands that, and yet he's still so… so hurt. Nobody cares that he's sorry, nobody will ever care that he's regretful. He's just a small Basil in the open ocean now. A small weak pathetic Basil who nobody will ever love again. He's sure Polly will leave the moment she finds out everything. He hopes that Hero will tell her, it's what he deserves after all. And as Polly leaves he'll have nobody, his parents still don't want him. He'll just be thrown out onto the streets. He almost wants to be angry at Sunny and the others, Sunny still hung Mari after all. And yet unlike him, Sunny is actually a good person.
Sunny is just a poor innocent person that he manipulated because he's a freak. Aubrey bullied him but that was nothing, a few shoves and insults. That is nothing, nothing compared to what he did. He deserved to be pushed into the lake, he deserved to drown. And yet he can barely even remember what bad things Aubrey did to him. He hates his poor memory, he just hates living to be honest. Kel abandoned him and yet he understands why. He's a weirdo, he was weird to Kel, constantly begging to still be with him. Asking constantly if he hated him and that he was sorry. What the fuck was wrong with him, why couldn't he accept that Kel just wanted to leave him. He constantly made Kel uncomfortable with his presence, Kel told him to stop but he would often not. And yet Kel still defended him from Aubrey, despite him being a freak he was still defended. Kel truly is such a kind person and Basil abused that get back the photo album. Why did he even want the photo album back, he can't even remember. Aubrey clearly took better care of it than him. Aubrey deserves it far more than he ever could.
Basil would often think that he was a kind person. A person of kindness and care, he cares for his friends after all. He always sees the bright side of things. Hah, he was lying when he thought that. He finally sees past the delusions of himself for who he truly is. A monster and a parasite, sucking all his friends dry. He hopes he gets no more friends, he doesn't want to hurt anyone anymore. It doesn't matter how much he hates himself, he still hurts people. He's just like his parents, like how his parents hurt him, he hurt his friends. What would even happen in the future when he's released from the hospital, he can already imagine their faces seeing him. Kel staring at him angrily. Aubrey annoyed that he has the audacity to dare go outside anymore. Sunny, glaring at him, not blinking or anything. He doesn't even know what Hero would do, he looked so confused and angry when Sunny told him everything. Hah, he just watched as a conversation about what actually happened that day just turned into everyone just saying how fucked up he was. And he couldn't even defend himself, for everything was right. All he could say was how he was sorry, and they still just left.
He wonders if Aubrey will treat him worse from now on, maybe she'll beat him up. Finally hurt him like how he wanted for so long. Sigh, why is he a freak, he remembers how he once begged Aubrey to beat him up, to make him feel the pain he's always deserved. Why does he make everyone uncomfortable, Kel, Aubrey, Sunny. He probably made Hero uncomfortable at least once before and he just can't remember. He wishes he could stop making people uncomfortable. Stop oversharing, stop being impulsive, stop being himself. Maybe if he hits himself hard enough on the head he'll stop being a freak. He'll stop being himself and instead might be able to be the person he wants to be. Someone who isn’t constantly making his friends uncomfortable. Someone who Sunny can love, someone who Kel, Aubrey, and Hero won't hate. He is probably repeating himself at this point. He's not good at thinking really. Probably a reason why he never improves, he's too stupid to know how. How can he stop being impulsive, he doesn't actually know. He doesn't know how to stop making people uncomfortable. How to stop being a freak. Will he learn until his inevitable suicide, he doesn't know. Probably not given how he's done this for years and still hasn't changed.
His room is empty, he is lonely. He wants his friends, he wants everything to have been a dream. He wants to still be 12, where he hadn't yet fucked up and ruined everyone's lives. He wants to wake up and see his friends not hating him. And yet… they're all delusions, lies he invented to make himself feel better. Oh Mari, he wonders what she would be thinking seeing him. She probably hates him, disgusted by his actions. When he dies he won't join her if there is an afterlife. He doesn't know if there is a hell but he sure knows if there is he's going to be there. Mari will be in heaven and he'll be in hell. He's sure his other friends, even Sunny would end up in heaven without him. He wonders if they'll be glad that he won't join them, probably he thinks. Despite him not being religious he still has these thoughts. Funny that, funny that he has weird thoughts. Funny that he hurts everyone he loves. Funny that he'll soon die and everyone will forget about him. He hopes that his grave is vandalized, it's the least that he deserves. As Basil snuggles into the hospital bed he closes his eyes. Tis to another horrible day of his life. Tis, to the hell he calls life. Tis to the pain he deserves. "Bye Sunny" he quietly says as he falls asleep, for Sunny won't ever see him again. And maybe that's a good thing.