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Normally, Steve would go for a run in the early morning. It cleared his head, got his blood flowing, and by the time he got back, he was able to see Tony in the kitchen, half-asleep, trying to get a cup of coffee so that he might be able to wake up a little. Sometimes Steve wanted to hide the coffee, just to be able to see that adorably cute half-asleep face of his for longer, but he knew that he couldn’t do that to his lover.
But this morning, something was different. He couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was, but he could feel that something was... off. He watched the way that the early-morning sun filtered into the room, lighting up Tony's skin in a brilliant glow. His dark locks covered his face, and his back was turned to Steve. Everything seemed so peaceful until he watched his lover shiver a little.
It was enough for Steve to be able to tell that he was having a nightmare. Gently turning his boyfriend around so that he was facing him, he saw the subtle twitches in Tony's face, which normally looked so peaceful when he was sleep. But now—he looked terrified. A small whimper escaped Tony when Steve carefully placed a hand on his shoulder. It broke his heart.
"Tony," he whispered, gently shaking his boyfriend, trying to wake him up. "Come on, darling, it's time to wake up. Come on, Tony—"
"No," Tony cried out in his sleep, and Steve quickly hugged the other man close when his lover gripped his shirt and tried to pull him closer.
"It's okay, you're okay, I've got you," Steve whispered, gently rubbing Tony's back until he ended up waking up.
The genius's sniffles slowly started dying down as his lover pressed his face against his chest. "I'm sorry," Tony whispered, though Steve was glad that he didn't try to pull away and isolate himself. The first couple times he'd woken up from nightmares, that had been what he'd tried to do, and it hurt Steve to have to watch the man he loved go through so much pain and be unable to even try to help him with it. He'd finally started accepting that Steve was there to help him with whatever it was that he needed, which currently was someone to listen.
"How many times do I have to tell you not to apologize for nightmares?" Steve murmured, pressing a kiss to his forehead.
"I know... I just... I hate waking you up because of my problems," Tony said, keeping a tight grip on Steve. His lover was still breathing hard, his heart was still racing, and Steve knew that being close did calm him down.
"I was already awake," Steve said. "And even if I wasn't, then I still wouldn't care, because I'm here for you. You've been here for me, helping me with my own nightmares... I'll always be here for you, Tony."
"I know... you always have been," Tony whispered, pressing a kiss to Steve's cheek before he tried dragging the super-soldier back down into bed. Rolling his eyes, he just settled down again, keeping Tony held so closely that he could feel the cold circle of metal from his arc reactor press against him through the soft fabric of their shirts.
"There's something that I've been meaning to talk with you about," Steve murmured, gently massaging Tony's back as the genius nuzzled against him, nearly purring like a cat. "I know it's only been a few days since you told the team... and I really hope that you've seen that everyone still loves you, and we still would whether or not you were Iron Man... but I really wanted to talk with you about why you didn't feel like you were able to tell us."
"Because when people think 'Tony Stark,' they don't think—"
"That's what you keep saying, and I'm sure that's a part of it, darling, but..." Steve backed up a little so he could see Tony's face. "There's more to it that you're not telling me, and I can see that it's hurting you... but I can't help you if you won't let me in, Tony. We've been dating for months, and I hope you understand how much I love you, how much I want to see you succeed at everything you do... how much I want to see you happy. But you're not happy... not when you're holding this weight on your shoulders all alone." It hurt to say those words, because he could see the way they were affecting Tony. "You don't have to do this alone anymore, Tony. I'm here for you."
Tony stared at him for a little while, looking like he was trying to gather his thoughts. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying to figure out what he was going to say before he eventually decided on, "I know."
"Whenever you're ready... I can wait as long as it takes," Steve reassured him. After a moment he added, "You don't have to talk today—just tell me to back off and I will."
"No, I... I know I should. The team's still here... apparently everyone already knew and they didn't think poorly of me for it... So I shouldn't have a problem talking about it now, hmm? I just..." Tony broke off, once more avoiding his eyes. They were both laying on their sides, facing one another, and Steve reached out to grip one of Tony's hands. The genius gave a slight smile. "It's just hard to talk about... when I'm still trying to figure out how to stop believing it, you know? Every day when I wake up next to you, I'm surprised that you're still here, because I ask myself why would someone as incredible as you... want to be with someone as... someone like me?"
"Oh Tony," Steve whispered, gently kissing Tony's knuckles.
"I grew up with stories about you... the great Captain America," Tony continued, his smile never wavering. "You were my hero growing up. I tried so hard to hate you when Howard used to remind me about how I'd never be as great as you, about how much of a failure I was... but I still couldn't hate you, because Captain America would never say that, not like Howard did..."
Something inside him felt like it broke. One of the first things he'd said to Tony, before ever getting to know him, was something horrible. He hadn't known Tony was Iron Man at that point in time, but he'd still said it. Oh God...
"You didn't mean that, Loki was messing with our minds... I know so, Steve, so don't even. I know that face," Tony mumbled, being the mind-reader that he was. "I got those words out of my head pretty quickly. It's just... no matter what I do, I can still hear Howard telling me how worthless I am, how I'll never be good for anything... Why would anyone want Tony Stark to be Iron Man when he's just such a big fucking mistake?"
The fact that Tony was able to think that about himself made Steve's blood boil. The fact that Howard, a man who used to be a friend of his, was about to say something like that to his son, the one person in the world who he should've loved unconditionally! It hurt to know that someone had treated Tony so horribly... and somehow he'd still turned out to be one of the greatest people that Steve ever knew.
"You're not a mistake, Tony. You're a good man—a great man. A hero," Steve insisted, though he could tell by the look on Tony's face that his lover didn't believe him. "A father should never say such cruel and untrue things to his son. I can't take away what he said, but I can tell you what's really true until you actually believe what I'm telling you."
"It's hard, you know? I mean, I don't want to be held back by what Howard did when I was younger..." Tony said, and then seemed to realize what he just said.
"What he did?" Steve prompted, feeling ice in his veins. No, there was no way... Howard had always been someone who spoke bluntly and he could see the man saying some cruel things, but there was no way... The look on Tony's face was enough for Steve to know that Howard had become a different man in his later years.
"He, uh... beat me some, when I was... well, up until I went off to school, really," Tony whispered. The emotion was raw on his face, and it pained Steve to hear it. When he closed his eyes, he could imagine how he felt, just a small boy hiding from his drunk step-father, getting beaten when his Ma hadn't been able to stop him, or after he'd already beaten her. He knew exactly how Tony felt... except the cruel man in his life was a step-father, a man he wanted to be nothing like. It wasn't his father telling him how worthless he was, it was someone that he hated. His father had never returned from war, and was still a good man in Steve's eyes. Tony never had a good father that he could think of when Howard was beating him because Howard was his father.
His mind couldn't help but change that small, scared blond boy to a brunet one, the step-father being replaced by an old friend of his.
"If I could take it all away from you, I would," Steve whispered, holding his lover close. "But I can't."
"I don't want you to... It happened, it's gone, and I've got to learn how to get past... everything. I can't have Howard like a devil on my shoulder for the rest of my life, telling me that I'm not worth anything..." Tony sighed, leaning back against Steve's chest when the super-soldier pulled his lover into his arms. "I know that I have to move on. I know that. But it's not that easy... It is easier, knowing that the team's there and they accept that I'm Iron Man... and they still trust me. I've just... I've never really had a family that cares about me... so it's easy to think that maybe the Avengers don't really care about me as much as I think they do..."
Steve pressed a gentle kiss to the back of Tony's head, and the genius grinned as he leaned back and relaxed. "But if they didn't want me around, they'd say so. I know they would. Everyone can be pretty blunt on this team—if Clint didn't want to do drunk science with me, he wouldn't. If Bruce didn't want to work with me, he wouldn't. If Natasha didn't like me, she wouldn't be so damn protective of me all the time. Bucky wouldn't be spending time in the lab with me, learning about modern tech, if he couldn't put up with me. And the team wouldn't be so worried about making sure I get medical care after battles if they didn't care."
"And I wouldn't be here if I wasn't absolutely in love with you," Steve added. "Well... okay, if you weren't interested in me whatsoever, I'd still be here, because if you didn't want to be with me... I'd still be here. Just like if anyone else on the team needs me, I'd be there for them too. But I wouldn't be cuddling and kissing someone I wasn't completely in love with."
"It still feels strange to hear that," Tony whispered. "It's been months, and it still feels weird to hear that."
"Why?" Steve asked.
"Because... why would anyone love me when my own parents couldn't?" Tony whispered, once more breaking Steve's heart.
"That isn't true," Steve said, arms gripping his lover a little tighter, like if he didn't the other man might disappear. "You have a lot of people who love you, Tony, and while I can't comment on your parents, as I never met Maria and Howard was... different, when I knew him... There are a lot of people who care about your well-being, who want to see you happy... and I've seen too many times when you weren't as happy as you could've been... And I miss seeing your smile."
Tony smiled at him, and he was glad to see that it did reach his eyes. God, he was just so beautiful.
"I am happy... And I do try to be happy. I've never had a family before, not like this, and I am so thankful for it," Tony said. "And no one's been treating me differently due to being an Avenger... everyone still treats me the same. I was worried they'd start acting different... But they haven't. And you haven't either. Which is nice, by the way."
"I've been meaning to ask you about that... I wasn't sure if you wanted to keep everything professional on the battlefield, or if... if you'd mind if I said your name—just over the comms, because I'd never reveal your identity if you didn't want me to—or if I... I know that Clint likes to call you Shellhead, and I do too sometimes..." Steve mumbled. He liked pet names, but if Tony didn't want him to use them, then he wouldn't.
"I've never complained when you called me Shellhead, Winghead," Tony said, grinning. When he'd started calling Iron Man 'Shellhead' back when the team first formed, Steve had been so glad that Iron Man had started calling him 'Winghead' because he knew that it was a part of the friendship that they'd built by fighting by one another's side. "I... I've tried so hard to keep... me different from Iron Man, but... I am Iron Man. I shouldn't try to separate a part of myself... I'd like it if you mixed nicknames around, because I really need to stay thinking of myself as Iron Man and Tony Stark at the same time."
"Good," Steve said. "I can do that. You're right—you're one person, no matter if you are or aren't wearing the armor."
Just being able to hold Tony felt right. They spent the next few minutes in silence, with Steve playing with Tony's hair as the genius relaxed against him and smiled softly. Silence was something that Steve had originally struggled with in their relationship—he knew that there was something that Tony wasn't telling him, and at first he'd been worried that it would just stay between them just like the silence, but... he'd grown to like the quiet moments they got. There were so many things that they didn't need to say, and they could just stare into each other’s eyes and know.
It was perfect.
"I don't want Howard to keep controlling my life," Tony whispered. "He's one ghost I thought I could leave behind."
"He doesn't have to control you anymore... It's going to take some time, because this isn't going to be an easy battle, but I'll be by your side the whole time, if you ever need my support," Steve murmured, stretching as he got out of bed. He reached out his hand, offering a kind smile to his lover. "I'll always be here for you."
The pure joy on Tony's face was stunning as he reached out, gingerly taking Steve's hand like the first time that they'd danced together, carefully, before he let himself get pulled out of bed into strong arms that would always be there to keep him safe. Tony stole a quick kiss before pressing his head to Steve's chest, listening to his heartbeat as Steve rubbed his back. Yep, everything really was perfect.