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"Will you marry me?" 11-year-old Nicholas asked, kneeling on one knee and giggling. His voice was high-pitched and sweet like ripe fruit. His missing baby tooth showed as he smiled, his hair flying all over his face as the breeze hit him.
EJ tried his best to follow along with the roleplay, rolling his eyes at how seriously Nicholas took this. "Yes," he said, before adding a bit more exaggeration when he saw Nicholas's amused face. "Yes, I do!"
Nicholas beamed, getting up from his pose with sand all over his jeans. "That's more like it!" he laughed, breaking character as he lifted EJ into a hug. He spun him around until EJ felt dizzy, tapping Nicholas's shoulders to be let down.
He and Nicholas had been best friends since they were in diapers. Well… their moms had been best friends since college.
EJ lived on a hill, the type you could playfully roll all the way down to the bottom. It was covered in wild grass and dandelions, and his old white house faced the beach, looking postcard-worthy. You could always hear the cries of seagulls and the waves crashing.
Nicholas lived a 13-minute drive away near a smaller beach; his area had a pier that led to a nice small restaurant, with ice cream trucks parked around. Families that hosted BBQs, inviting friendly neighbours over. It was lively and free-spirited there, just like Nicholas.
Nicholas was known for his love for fashion, the way he sang his heart out to the ocean, and dancing until he couldn't anymore.
He was an optimist. Nicholas always believed that whatever happened, or was going to happen, happened for a reason.
Oh, Nicholas…..
—
"Do you believe in reincarnation, Juju?" Nineteen year old Nicholas asked one seemingly ordinary day. They sat on the damp sand, small waves lapping at their feet, the refreshing smell of the sea air hitting them at once. Nicholas scribbled "N+E" inside a heart in the sand. EJ couldn't help but feel a warm blush spreading across his cheeks.
Nicholas always radiated a uplifting energy, a sight EJ never got sick of.
"Reincarnation?" EJ thought about it. "I think so. I mean, souls don't meet by accident, do they?" He turned to look at Nicholas, his expression serious.
"Yeah," Nicholas said readily. "They definitely don't. The idea of reincarnation itself is beautiful. Like, even if we don't remember our past life or this life in our next one, we get to relive life, to not make the same mistakes, but also make more cherished memories with the people we love."
"What's the use if you don't even remember it?" EJ questioned, a hint of doubt in his voice.
"Well," Nicholas said, crossing his legs. "Sometimes you don't have to remember it, you can feel it. That's kind of what déjà vu is. Did you know roughly two-thirds of people experience it? Science views it as a brain glitch, but... It's more than a brain glitch, I'm sure"
He continues, "And though it would be cool to remember our life before this one, why care about that? I think the memories you make in your current life are what matter most."
Silence fell between them again before EJ spoke up.
"Nicholas… do you think we would meet in every lifetime?"
"Of course," Nicholas said with no hesitation.
"You would find me at the beach, in every lifetime."
—
The smell of antiseptic was strong, really strong at that moment. It made him feel nauseous.
"Are you with Mr Wang?" a nurse suddenly asked. EJ was still stuck in a state of disbelief.
He wiped his bloodshot eyes, which felt completely dry from crying so much. "Y-yes, I'm his friend," he said, his voice shaking.
The nurse nodded. "He's in room 424. Follow me, I’ll take you to him."
EJ followed the nurse. He couldn't hear anything besides the loud ringing in his ears. His whole body was shaking. This couldn't be real. It shouldn't be.
The nurse opened the door, indicating for EJ to go in. His entire body felt paralysed. Yet, out of love for Nicholas, he forced all of his energy into his legs and walked inside.
"I'll step out now and leave you both alone," the nurse whispered. EJ nodded as the door closed.
Nicholas…
His Nicholas was lying in the hospital bed. An oxygen mask was strapped over his pale face, fogging up with his breath. His eyes were wide and filled with an emptiness EJ had never seen in him before.
"Nicholas…" He walked over, standing by the bedside immediately.
EJ swore he saw Nicholas give him a small, weak smile. It was as if all the life inside Nicholas suddenly rushed back at the sight of EJ. He grabbed Nicholas's hand, hesitating for a second before squeezing it. As if to say, "I'm here, Nicholas."
Nicholas swallowed hard before breaking the suffocating silence.
"I… I have idiopathic restrictive cardio-myopathy," Nicholas said, looking away from EJ. "It's- it's a … rare heart muscle disease where the lower ventricles of the heart become stiff… and rigid..." His voice was muffled against the oxygen mask.
You could punch EJ in the gut a million times, and it still wouldn't be as painful as hearing this.
This was his Nicholas.
The same Nicholas who saw the beauty in everything, who stayed up until sunrise to work on a choreography he made.
He was always determined, never complaining ever.
He couldn't have heart failure.
That can't be true.
"What?" The terror in EJ's voice was loud. "Is there any cur—"
Nicholas cut him off. "Yeah," he said, not wanting to break EJ even more. It wasn't exactly a lie, but it wasn't the full truth either, since there is no true cure. "Medications… changing… lifestyle habits..."
Though he sounded unsure himself.
Nicholas, he for some reason, felt so sorry, especially towards EJ, taking a quick glance at him. EJ was crying again, letting his tears fall freely.
EJ had a hard time accepting this.
Even if Nicholas already did.
———
His hospital stay lasted seven days. On the final day, EJ overheard the news that completely shattered him.
He had gone to get Nicholas jelly from the hospital cafeteria, his favourite, which was the strawberry one, since the passionfruit one tasted too bitter and "smells like dirty socks"
Ej was standing against the wall by the slightly open door, frozen before he could enter.
"Wh-what does that mean?" Nicholas asked, his voice breaking in fear.
Nicholas was never afraid of anything; of course he was at that moment, but it was a rare sight.
The doctor sighed sadly. "It means the medications we are giving you right now are only a temporary fix. Your heart is failing. Without a heart transplant, your heart will eventually stop working completely."
EJ dropped the jelly to the ground. It didn't make a sound, or maybe it did? He couldn't tell over the sound of his own brain repeating the doctor's words.
The doctor continued, "It is the only definitive option left to save your life. We need to list you immediately."
Nicholas remained silent, staring at the clock behind the doctor.
It was a brutal reminder that time was not on his side.
Tick, tock.
The doctor cleared her throat "I'll leave you alone to process everything. Let me know if you need anything"
She left without another word, pausing outside to make eye contact with EJ, an apologetic expression on her face as EJ picked up the jelly on the ground, mumbling that he was sorry.
EJ washed his hands and threw the jelly away, no use of it now.
"Euijoo…" Nicholas eyed him as he entered. "Did you hear all that...?"
"Yeah, I did. How long were you planning to hide this from me?"
"Euijoo-"
"Don't." his voice cracked. Ej felt selfish at that moment, but he couldnt help it. How could Nicholas hide this type of news like it's nothing?.
"I wasn't-"His words were cut off again.
"But you were going to. I've known you my whole life, Nicholas;, I've seen the way you downplay stuff even if it's serious".
Tears threatened Ej's eyes again as he tugged the front of his hair slightly.
"Well, what's the use?" Nicholas suddenly said
Ej snapped his attention back to Nicholas, eyes already glossy.
"What's the use when my life's already over?" He said deadpan
"Don't-don't say that-" Ej replied, feeling uneasy. "We will find a donor for you…"
Ej chewed his bottom lip as an idea appeared.
"What if…I become your do-"
"Not at all!" Nicholas snapped, his voice strained.
EJ stood there, eyes wide, speechless.
Took him back to when they were younger, whenever EJ was shocked or happy, Nicholas used to always tease him, telling him he looked like Ponyo.
Nicholas immediately regretted snapping at EJ like that.
"Sorry… look- you know I would never let you do that. This is your life, EJ, your life. Take it from me, I'm literally dying". He paused. "I appreciate it, don't take me as someone ungrateful. But I care for you too much, so please, I beg you, for me, don't do anything stupid"
Ej went over to sit beside Nicholas, eyeing the Cannula on his hand, careful not to mess with any of the bedside machines.
Nicholas wiped with his free hand EJ's dry-out tears as new ones fell rapidly like raindrops. He couldn't help but let out a chuckle.
"You're acting like I'm already dead"
"Nicholas!-" He warned him
"Just kidding" he pinched EJ's cheek playfully
"We will find a donor for you, I know it. I'll search the whole country if I can," EJ hiccuped.
Nicholas smiled, for the first time since he'd been here. God, his smile looked so angelic. He cupped EJ's face, making them stare into each other's eyes now.
"Don't worry about it; the hospital are looking into it too. In no time, I'll have a healthy heart again"
And ej?
He believed Nicholas at that moment.
If only he knew……
It's been two weeks since that day.
Two weeks and still no donor.
If there were any available, some had a different blood type, age, even size.
Ej researched everywhere, he barely got any sleep. Eye bags casting under his eyes. Worrying his family about his health, his well-being, but he couldn't care about his messed-up sleep schedule.
Nicholas's life is on the line.
But when he wasn't glued to his laptop or phone, he stayed by Nicholas's side.
They still hung out as if nothing changed, Nicholas insisted. "Let's do normal things people our age do", so they tried to do so, most of the time at Nicholas's house,
EJ remembers not long ago baking cookies as Nicholas yapped about something, sitting on the kitchen counter.
And EJ got flour all over his hair and apron.
Making them both laugh so hard, it's the hardest they've laughed together, he thinks, ever.
Those small moments made them forget about the Bitter truth.
Nicholas looked at EJ like he couldn't look at him, taking him all in.
He wished he could spend every day with Ej, he would do anything to see more of the way EJ softly smiled at him, or the way he playfully hit his shoulder when Nicholas teased him.
He took everything for granted.
And his dreams did come up empty. Not just dance, but EJ.
EJ is his dream.
He sighed as he sat there, looking at the beach, really looking at it.
The silver glow of the moon on the water, Rhythmic waves crashing slower, calm and steady.
You can see Sirius, the dog star. It's as if someone painted this scene and added a glowing white dot in the sky.
The ocean breeze made Nicholas feel cold, he regretted not bringing an extra jacket. Even though he was already wearing two layers of tops beneath a massive hoodie, he still felt as if his entire body was made out of ice.
Suddenly, he felt a jacket being gently rested over his shoulders. It was oh so warm; the scent was familiar. It smelled like home. It smelled like his Euijoo.
"Sorry, did it take me long?" Ej asked, his voice soft as always.
Before Nicholas could even think, Ej was already tucking another thick blanket around his lap and gently placing a warm heating pad right into his freezing hands.
"Thanks, uh—no, you didn't. Don't worry," Nicholas said, his voice a little shaky.
Nicholas looked so much paler now than he had when he was first admitted to the hospital. The veins on his neck obvious.
Nicholas barely complained. EJ stared at him, wondering how he could not? He just sat there in silence. If EJ was in his place, he would be cursing at the universe.
Yet, that's exactly what makes them so different from each other.
"You had something to tell me?" EJ asked, pulling his knees up near his face and resting his chin there.
"Yeah," Nicholas cleared his throat. "Well… the hospital found a match for me, a donor. The surgery… It's tomorrow." He lied. His chest felt incredibly tight, not from the fact that he was dying, but from lying to EJ like that.
But it felt alright, Amazing, even. He watched the way EJ let out a breathless half-laugh, tears instantly spilling from his eyes. "R-really? Are you serious?" EJ choked out, quickly wiping the tears pooled under his chin.
Nicholas nodded,"You don't have to worry anymore", he said, smiling, but it hurt.
EJ leaned in closer, his gaze drifting from Nicholas's eyes, which he swears held the entire universe inside them, back down to his almost purple lips. Nicholas could feel EJ's warm breath fluttering against his face.
Before pulling away, EJ whispered nervously, "Sorry, I- can I kiss yo—"
But this time, Nicholas cut his words short.
"Of course," Nicholas exhaled weakly, reaching forward to grab EJ delicately by the front of his shirt to pull him down into a kiss.
The kiss was soft, as their lips moved together in perfect sync.
For the first time in his life, Nicholas felt so alive.
His heart felt like it was being closed up into a warm hug.
Nicholas sighed into the kiss as he rested his hands gently on EJ's waist. He tasted sweet like cotton candy.
They both took turns sucking each other's lips, showing desperately, with every movement, how much they needed each other.
Nicholas pulled away, struggling to catch his breath.
A beat later—
"I love you, Euijoo."
Everything felt so euphoric.
Is he dreaming?
Ej leaned in, resting his forehead against Nicholas "I love you too, Nicholas, so much."
They stayed like that, the close proximity making EJ feel something much stronger than just butterflies.
His arms wrapped tightly around Nicholas like a shield, protecting him.
Nicholas looked back at him, almost crying. Almost. He can only hope that EJ would forgive him for lying, and that he would learn how to move on.
All they could hear in the darkness of their own bubble was the faint chirping of crickets and the ocean's gentle waves.
Nicholas couldn't have asked for anything more.
—
Ej walked to 424, a calm feeling in his chest for once. One hand was clinging to the forget-me-not bouquet he got for Nicholas.
He smiled, looking at it, imagining Nicholas's reaction when he sees it.
Ej felt like a silly lovesick high schooler.
As he entered the room, EJ froze. Nicholas's parents were huddled in the corner of the room. His mother buried her face in her hands, sobbing uncontrollably, while his dad held her tightly.
What…?
Then his eyes shift to Nicholas, where the doctor was checking his pulse
Then the doctor lifts Nicholas's eyelid, shining a penlight harshly against his eyes. The pupils doesnt move. It's wide and empty…
Ej dropped the bouquet on the ground.
The way the nurse glanced at the doctor, despondent. Told EJ everything.
"Time of death, 4:24 pm" The doctor announced
.
When did Nicholas's parents start screaming in despair? He didn't remember. Because time stopped for him right at 4:24 PM.
EJ finally snapped out of his frozen state and lunged toward him. "Nicholas!" he shouted.
Before he could even hold Nicholas's cold, almost blue hands, which were slumped over the sheets. As if he had tried imagining holding EJ even in his final breath. A nurse wrapped her arms around EJ's shoulders, holding him tightly. "No!" he screamed, his voice raw and patchy. "Let go of me!!"
"Nicholas!" He kicked his legs in the air as an excruciating wail tore from his throat.
But everyone kept moving, remaining silent. The second nurse reached over and pressed a button, silencing a monitor, turning the room quiet, Not literally.
The doctor covered Nicholas's body with a white sheet, pulling it right up to his chin. He looked so peaceful, as if he was just sleeping.
He looked ethereal.
EJ fell to the ground on his knees, his lungs giving out as his vision blurred from his tears. He sobbed uncontrollably, letting out another scream of agony.
In the hallway outside, you could hear his cries.
The heartbreak of a boy who had just lost the love of his life.
That day, Nicholas didn't just die. EJ did too.
—
EJ sat on Nicholas's bed. That was what he did mostly. He just sat there for hours at a time, completely numb.
Eventually, his eyes fell on the bedside table and what was resting on top of it. He reached out and picked it up as if it was the most delicate thing in the world.
It was a book on reincarnation, the same topic Nicholas always talked about and adored.
EJ opened the cover and flipped through each page.
Could it tell him why everything in his life had to be so fucking unfair?
Why take away the only person he loves?
Suddenly, a piece of paper fell from the pages. EJ, confused but curious, knelt down to pick it up.
Written on the front of the paper was a familiar handwriting
"To my dearest Euijoo."
EJ was shaking uncontrollably now. Carefully opening it.
"Hi, juju." It said, "It's me, Nicholas, which… you of course know that. I wrote this in case you find this, if you ever did. I wanted to start by saying, I'm sorry that I lied to you. I know, I'm a jerk. Swear at me all you want. But I didn't want to spend my last day with you with us crying and being depressed. It's like when you're asked
'If the world ended today, what would you do?'
You don't cry all day until it does. Some would go parachuting, prettyyyy muchhh throwing yourself off a plane, if you asked me. Or maybe book a ticket for that trip they saved for "later"
But I never dreamed of any of that. I only wanted to spend my last day on this earth with you. I wanted to hear you laugh, see the way you crinkle your eyes as you smile so beautifully at me. I want to hold you physically close to me.
And..I'm pretty sure it was obvious that I've had a crush on you since we were kids. I thought everyone feels like this towards their best friend, I was wrong.
I am deeply in love with you.
My heart felt like it was gonna stop. Not from my unfortunate heart disease, but from being around you.
Did you know your heart pumps 2,000 gallons of blood every day? It's enough to fuel a truck that drives 20 miles.
In an average lifetime, your heart produces enough energy to fly from Earth to the moon and back.
I love you to the moon and back, euijoo.
Which means I love you until my heart stops beating.
Also.
Please don't think of it as me being gone, because I'm not, juju.
I'm in every tree you see, to the quiet waves in the ocean. Even a single shining star in the night sky.
So keep living life like normal, travel, fulfil every dream you have. Live a long, healthy life, euijoo. Don't do it for me.
Do it for yourself.
With Lots of love,
Your Nicholas.
—--
When the bugs start eating Nicholas's weak heart, but it reaches the day Nicholas met Ej..
—-----------
The beach was quiet as usual. Only the soft waves were heard. The cool wind tingled Ej's bare skin. The sun was going down, it always looked as if it was going inside the ocean.
The colours in the sky turned to a mix of pink and orange.
The sand felt cool against his feet. He stared at the beach.
A voice above him suddenly started speaking.
"Hey, can I sit with you?"
It was a guy around his age, his eyes Sharp, and expressive. He had a soft smile on his face. He also… looked like a cat..?
It felt like déjà vu to Ej, did he know him?
"Sure", Ej replied
He started beaming before taking a seat next to Ej in the sand.
They didn't say anything, just watching every splash and wash of the beach.
Before He turned to face him "I'm Nicholas, and you are..?
"Eujioo," he mumbled.