Archive of Our Own

Jungwon stares up at the ceiling.

Schedules have just finished for the day, but the heat from the unrelenting sun has forced the two of them back to the dorms. He lies spread out on the couch with an arm draped over his forehead as Jay sits on the other end, head tilted back against the cushions.

The others are gone. Sunoo had said something about an ice-cream store before trying to convince them all to come along with him. He only succeeded in dragging Sunghoon and Heeseung out the door, because Jay had politely declined and Jungwon had, per usual, opted to stay inside with him.

Even though the AC is broken.

Jake and Niki are in one of the bedrooms doing god knows what. Judging by the occasional shouts of rage seeping out from the crack in the door, Jungwon assumes that they’re playing a video game together.

He turns to Jay, peering at him from behind the crook of his elbow. “Hyung, do you wanna join them?”

Jay makes an unconvinced sound. “Who?”

“Them.” He jerks a thumb in the direction of the bedroom, and Jay follows the movement. “I think they’re playing that new game. You know. The one they promised to save for when we’re all together,” he complains, although he’s too hot to find it in himself to get annoyed.

He doesn’t even care, really.

Jay fiddles with his phone, thinking about it. He makes that face that he always does whenever he’s debating something in his head— lips jutted out slightly, eyebrows drawn together in the middle to form these lines on the upper bridge of his nose.

Jungwon stares.

He finally shrugs. “I don’t know. Do you wanna?”

“Not really.”

“Same.” Content at that, Jay leans back on the couch and stretches his arms up. His shirt rides up a little, revealing a small strip of skin above the low waistband of his sweatpants as he speaks through a yawn. “It’s much cooler in here,” he says, then points to the fan on the table. “They don’t have one of these.”

“They kinda have a PlayStation.”

“You literally just said you don’t want to go,” Jay teases, turning to look at him. “I’m starting to think that you do.”

Jungwon smiles, shaking his head. “Maybe I should go. They have entertainment.”

“Wow.” Jay pretends to be offended. “Hey, I’m plenty entertaining.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He sits up a little straighter and holds up his hand, wriggling his fingers. “Watch this.”

Jungwon is forced to watch as he bends his fingers back and crooks them in a horrifying position.

He immediately gags, making a face. “You think that’s entertaining? I’m scared.”

Jay huffs and sinks back down against the pillows with a concealed smile. “I tried.”

“Try harder.”

Jay grabs him and tickles him, even though they both know that he isn’t ticklish. Jungwon laughs anyway, eyes crinkling as he weakly kicks him.

“Is this entertaining enough for you?” Jay grunts, dodging a kick to the stomach. “Say I’m better than a stupid video game.”

Jungwon giggles. He doesn’t even know why he’s laughing so much. There’s just something about Jay that he finds hilarious. “Nope.”

Jay wrinkles his nose and digs his fingers back into his sides. Not hard enough to hurt. Never hard enough to hurt. He grabs Jungwon’s ankle when he tries kicking him again and yanks him down the couch to give himself better leverage.

“Okay, okay— that’s enough,” Jungwon laughs, holding out his hands in defeat. He finally manages to get Jay away with a jab to the ribs. “Your fingers are so bony.”

Jay crawls off him with a pained grunt, sinking back down in his seat. “They aren’t bony.”

Jungwon throws his feet into his lap, keeping them there when Jay doesn’t protest or try to push him off. “They are,” he insists. “And the pads of them are literally like sandpaper.”

“It’s my badge of honour. Y’know, considering that I play the guitar. My fingers kinda have to be all flexible and rough.”

“Then keep your ‘flexible and rough’ fingers well away from me.”

Jay rolls his eyes fondly. He holds onto Jungwon’s ankle that is on his lap, thumb subconsciously rubbing circles into his skin. “Fine.”

“Good.” He says it, but he relaxes into the touch Jay still has on him.

Something warm and familiar settles in his gut, the same way it always does when they’re both like this. Jungwon doesn’t pay it much attention because the warmth has been there for as long as he’s known him. He doesn’t question it, or the lingering look Jay casts in his direction.

They fall back into a comfortable silence. Jungwon closes his eyes as the fan blows in his direction before the head swivels again, moving the cool air away from him. He huffs, tipping his head back against the back of the couch.

Jay moves his touch up from his ankle to his calf, then back again. “What’s wrong? Hot?” he asks, full of concern as he looks at the other’s flushed face.

Jungwon nods, jutting out his bottom lip a little.

“Here,” Jay says, reaching over to the table to grab the fan. He turns it in Jungwon’s direction with his free hand. “Better?”

Jungwon sighs in relief, enjoying the cool air on his face. “Better.”

Jay watches him for a moment. He eventually sits back against the couch after grabbing the television remote, idly turning it on to flick between channels. He puts on some unfamiliar show, but Jungwon can’t find it in himself to pay attention.

Stretching back against the couch, Jungwon stifles a yawn. His legs shift in Jay’s lap. “This show seems boring.”

“It’s good,” Jay murmurs, running his finger along the hem of Jungwon’s sock. “I used to watch it when I was a kid.”

“Then it must be ancient.”

“Brat,” he mutters, but he’s still smiling. His fingers dip under the fabric, brushing against the bone of Jungwon’s ankle. “I’m only two years older than you. It’s not even that old, it’s— Just watch it. Come on, you’ll like it.” He gestures to the screen with his free hand. “Don’t I know you well?”

Yes, he knows him well. Jungwon is aware of Jay knowing almost everything about him.

He always knows what shows to recommend, or what food to order for him when they’re rooming on tour, or even the exact temperature he likes to have his showers at.

That doesn’t mean Jungwon’s going to be easy about it, though. So he shrugs. “I don’t know what you know about me.”

“I know a lot of things.”

“Like what?”

Jay purses his lips, adjusting Jungwon’s feet in his lap to pull them a little higher. “I know that you actually wanted to go out for ice cream with the others.”

Jungwon doesn’t know why, but the back of his neck grows even hotter. “I didn’t,” he says quietly, glancing away. He stares at the television screen, avoiding Jay’s knowing gaze.

“Liar.”

“Fine,” he relents. So easily, too. He looks back at Jay, then down to the hand on his ankle. “Maybe. But I didn’t go, did I? It’s… too hot.”

He believes the excuse as he says it, even though that familiar warmth is shifting to something else inside him. He subconsciously moves his feet again, rubbing them against Jay’s legs.

He feels oddly exposed.

Jay glances away, off to the corner of the room. “You didn’t go because it’s too hot?”

“Yes.”

“Okay,” he says, but there’s a hint of something unnameable in his tone. Again, Jungwon doesn’t read into it. “Yeah. Me too.”

And that’s it.

They sit quietly for the next few minutes. Jungwon rolls over onto his side to face the TV, his shirt riding up from the movement to expose a little of his hips. He reaches down to pull his shirt up further, because the air of the fan hits sweat-damp skin and helps him cool off.

Jay clears his throat and shifts, jostling Jungwon’s legs as he does.

Now that his attention is on the screen, Jungwon actually decides to watch. It’s some drama from the 90s, he thinks, judging by the quality and the hair. He finds himself getting absorbed against his will. It’s too hot to move and Jay’s hands are running along his skin in such a relaxing way.

“Why do you like this show?” he asks lazily.

Jay hums in thought. “It’s comforting,” he replies. “And I like the characters. They’re, like… not two-dimensional. If you know what I mean.”

Jungwon props his cheek on his palm and looks back at him. “Do you have a crush on one of the actresses, or something?”

“What? No,” he splutters, clearly taken off-guard. Jungwon sees how red the tips of his ears are. “I don’t. That’s not why I like it. It’s just a good show, that’s all.”

Jungwon narrows his eyes. “You seem guilty.”

“Trust me, I’m not,” he says, running a hand through his hair to push the damp strands off his forehead. “Why are you so curious? Do you like one of them?”

That gets Jungwon to scoff. “I haven’t even watched the show properly, how can I like anyone? You’re the one who loves it so much.”

“I love it for the plot!”

“Sure.”

“Why are you being like this?” Jay asks him, but he doesn’t seem annoyed. Just curious, with his voice still soft in that way it always is. “You just love to pick on your hyung.”

Jungwon smiles and turns back to the TV. “Maybe.”

The door to the bedroom creeks open, the animated sounds of a video game getting louder before quieter again as Jake steps out and shuts the door behind him. He stops in the doorway of the living room, peering inside.

“What’re you guys doing?” he asks, glancing between them, Jungwon’s feet in Jay’s lap, and the TV. “Didn’t you go out with the others?”

Jay looks up at him. “Nah. Too hot.”

“I’m sure it’s cooler in the ice cream store than it is in here,” Jake huffs, folding his arms as he leans against the doorway. He looks sideways at the screen as he continues. “Y’know, considering that our AC is broken.”

“Well maybe I didn’t want ice cream.”

“Everyone wants ice cream.”

“Clearly you don’t?” Jay shoots back at Jake, and Jungwon smiles in amusement as he looks between them. “You stayed, too. And you’re literally in there playing video games with no fan. In a stuffy bedroom.”

“Well…” Jake trails off awkwardly, scratching the back of his head. “Okay, you kinda got me there.”

Jungwon’s eyes crinkle as he laughs. He rests his cheek on the couch cushion, hair fanned out under him. “How’s the new game?”

Jake gives a sheepish chuckle. “Ah… yeah, it’s good. Me and Niki wanted to test it out before we all played it together, so…” He quirks the corners of his mouth up, trying to look casual. “Just to make sure there are no glitches.”

“Mhm, yeah.” Jay sounds unconvinced. “And are there any glitches, you wise computer genius?”

“Leave him alone, hyung,” Jungwon teases, nudging him.

Jay looks at him, squeezing his foot gently in response.

Jake watches it happen, then coughs. “Okay. Well. I think I'll leave you two to it.”

“You’re going already?” Jungwon asks, looking back at him in confusion. “Tell Niki I say hi.”

Jake nods in agreement, “Yeah, sure. I will. See you,” is all he says, before turning and leaving. He scurries off to the bedroom and shuts the door, and Jungwon can hear him saying something to Niki that gets muffled.

“That was weird.”

Jungwon couldn't agree more. “Maybe he has heat stroke.”

“I think I have heat stroke,” Jay complains, because the fan is only blowing in Jungwon’s direction now after he had moved it. “But it’s okay.”

Jungwon makes a sympathetic noise. “Want the fan back?”

“No, it’s all good. Don’t worry.” He rubs his thumb along Jungwon’s skin, trying to tell him that he doesn’t mind. “A little heat never killed anyone.”

“People die of heat stroke, hyung.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Okay,” Jungwon says easily, because he knows that Jay is just like that— selfless with everyone. Definitely not just him. “Thank you.”

Jay hums casually, but doesn’t say anything.

They stay like that in silence, with Jungwon watching the show and Jay on his phone. He had pulled it out at some point and is now scrolling through Weverse or Twitter or some other app that he’s always chronically on.

He takes his hand off Jungwon to type something, and the loss of touch makes Jungwon feel weird.

He looks over at him. “Who are you texting?”

“Responding to a comment,” Jay says absently, eyebrows raised slightly in concentration as his fingers fly over the keyboard. “They’re asking what I’m going to have for dinner.”

Jungwon sits up, moving closer so he can hover his chin over Jay’s shoulder. He pulls his legs off Jay’s lap finally and folds them under himself. “Tell me, too. What are you going to have?”

Jay hesitates. “I don’t know. What do you want?”

“We’d have to ask the others.”

“But what do you want?” Jay insists, taking his eyes off his keyboard to turn his head. Their faces are so close that their noses almost brush together, so Jungwon moves back to put space between them. Jay’s voice drops to be softer. “We could order separately. They might eat out, anyway.”

Jungwon thinks about it.

There are so many things that they could order. That they always do order. And Jungwon doesn’t think that he’s particularly fussy, because he’d honestly be okay with whatever Jay or anyone wants. But there’s just something in him that only wants one thing.

“Would you cook?”

Jay has seemingly forgotten all about the phone still in his hand, because all of his attention is now on Jungwon. “You want me to cook?”

“You don’t have to,” he quickly says, because he doesn’t want to be demanding. He looks at Jay’s phone, seeing the blinking cursor at the end of the sentence he never finished. “I just thought… that it would be nice.”

Jay doesn’t say anything for a moment. His phone screen turns off from being idle for so long, but he doesn’t turn it back on again. Instead, he nods. “I can cook.”

“For everyone?”

“For you.”

Oh.

Jungwon wants to put more space between them, because Jay is looking at him too up-close and he feels strange. But he doesn’t move back. He doesn’t move closer, either. It’s like he’s stuck in limbo, not sure which way to go.

Eventually he finds the words. “No, it’s… it’s fine. Never mind. It’s too hot to cook, isn’t it?”

Jay puts his phone down into his lap, fiddling with the case. “It’s kinda too hot to do anything.”

“So leave it, it’s okay.” Jungwon’s words are final, and he finally turns away from Jay. “We can just eat whatever everyone else eats. Maybe they’ll bring leftovers if they go to a restaurant.”

Again, Jay doesn’t say anything. He just nods and picks his phone up again, probably going back to respond to that person’s comment.

Jungwon pretends that there isn’t a pang in his chest. He stares ahead at the TV again, but this time he isn’t paying much attention to what’s going on.

He wonders if Jay really does like one of the actresses. He absently watches someone pretty on the screen, ignoring the unfamiliar tightening in his chest.

It’s nothing. Of course it’s nothing.

Later on that evening, Jungwon lies in his bed.

The others had come home about thirty minutes ago. They hadn’t brought back leftovers, so Jungwon’s stomach rumbles in disappointment as he rolls onto his side.

Everyone is in the living room now, presumably, because that is the only room with a fan. Jungwon can hear laughter and the sound of a movie playing, but he doesn’t think he’ll join them. His bed is comfortable and the window is open enough to let in a soft breeze.

So he stays like that until there’s a soft knock on his door.

Jay waits for him to say something before poking his head in. He sees Jungwon lying there, and his expression softens. “Hey.”

“Hi,” he responds, sitting up. He swings his legs over the side of the bed but doesn’t stand. “What’s up?”

Jay opens the door a little wider and gestures for him to follow.

Jungwon does, albeit in confusion. He gets up and pads over to the door, following closely behind Jay as they walk through the hallway, past the living room. Jungwon notices that there’s a delicious smell in the air. His heart rate picks up slightly.

They get to the kitchen and Jay lets him walk in first.

“I know you said to leave it, but I thought I should make something anyway,” Jay tells him, going over to the counter where he’s already plated a bowl of curry for him. He grabs it, handing it over to Jungwon without looking him in the eye. “I had a feeling they wouldn’t bring any food home.”

Jungwon stares down at the bowl, then back up at Jay. He notices how his forehead is slightly damp with sweat, and how humid it is in the kitchen from the heat of the cooker. He also notices how neutral Jay’s face is, yet there’s a small, expectant twitch in his jaw as he waits for Jungwon to say something.

But Jungwon doesn’t really know what to say. “Hyung…”

“I made some for everyone,” Jay quickly says, almost in gentle defense. Like the words were waiting on the tip of his tongue just in case he needed them. “So don’t feel guilty.”

Ah. Jungwon feels slightly foolish to have thought that Jay made it especially for him. But, then again, curry. He can’t be disappointed when Jay made curry.

Disappointed?

He shakes that thought off. “Thank you.”

“Of course.”

“Have you had some?”

Jay nods, moving to grab the pot so he can move it to the sink. “I’ve already eaten my portion,” he says, turning on the tap to start washing up. “Don’t worry about hyung. You should go join the others. They’re watching a horror movie, so I think I’ll just stay here and clean.”

Jungwon notices how there are no other bowls in the sink. Just the pot that Jay is currently washing. He guesses that he must’ve already washed his own stuff up, then.

“Thank you,” he says again, giving him a big smile when Jay looks back at him. “I really wanted curry. How did you know?”

Jay smiles back, before turning around to face the sink again. “I told you I know you,” he murmurs, barely audible over the sound of the tap. “Go on, before it gets cold. There’s juice in the fridge.”

So Jungwon happily goes to the fridge and grabs a drink for himself. He looks at the back of Jay’s head for a few seconds before leaving.

He finds everyone else in the living room. The fan is still on, swivelling around to blow cool air on all of them in turn. They’re spread out on the couch, lights turned off as they watch the movie playing.

Jake spots Jungwon and grins, beckoning him over. He pats the space next to him and waits for Jungwon to come and sit down.

Jake peers into his bowl. “Jay cooked?”

“Yeah,” he replies, keeping his voice down as the others seem invested in the movie. “He said he made enough for everyone.”

“Oh, seriously? He never told us,” he mumbles before moving to stand up. “I’m gonna go grab some. Be right back. Hey— Sunoo, pause the movie.”

Sunoo waves him off, but no one pauses it.

As Jungwon joined more than halfway through, he has no idea what’s going on. It doesn’t seem hard to follow, though, because there’s just a group of people getting chased by some ghost. Predictable.

He starts to eat. The flavours melt over his tongue, and Jungwon couldn’t be happier. Jay’s cooking was always comforting. Maybe because he knows that it’s made with so much care— Jungwon would never say this to his face, but Jay is the most selfless person he knows.

The fact that he cooked for them all in this heat says enough.

But Jake comes back in thirty-seconds later, empty handed. He sits back down next to Jungwon with a strange look on his face.

“What’s wrong?” Jungwon asks him, eyebrows drawn together.

Jake simply smiles at him and ruffles his hair. “Nothing. Just realised I wasn’t hungry anymore,” he says, then sits back with a sigh. “Go thank your Jay hyung once you're done. I think he deserves it.”

Jungwon finds that odd, but he nods and goes back to eating.

“How was ice cream earlier?” Jungwon asks Sunoo and the others when there’s an ad break and he’s almost finished with his food. “What flavours did you guys get?”

Sunghoon snorts. “What do you think he got?”

“At least I didn’t make you try it,” Sunoo quips back, looking annoyed. “And you’re one to talk, anyway. I’m pretty sure that mint chocolate is way better than cheese flavour.”

Sunghoon looks offended, but Heeseung speaks for him. “Actually, the cheese was really good. It’s like… perfectly salty and creamy.”

Sunoo cackles. Jake puffs his cheeks out in amusement. “Never say that again.”

Heeseung shrugs. “What? It’s true. It was salty and creamy.”

“What’s salty and creamy?” Jay suddenly asks from the dark doorway. They all jump and Jake screams, clutching onto Jungwon’s shoulder. Jay chuckles.

“Why are you just lingering there like a creep?” Niki rubs a hand over his chest to calm his heart. “Give us a little warning first, damn.”

“I was just curious,” Jay says, holding his hands up in surrender.

“Curious enough to stay for the movie?”

“Ah, come on,” Sunoo says, resting his head in his palm. “We all know he won’t.”

Jay looks at the TV as the movie resumes and shudders, shaking his head as he starts to back out of the room again. The others laugh and boo him, but Jungwon just quickly picks up his empty bowl and goes over to him.

“Come on,” he says to Jay, ushering him out of the door. He glances over his shoulder quickly to say goodbye to the others.

Jungwon walks to the kitchen with Jay next to him. He places his bowl in the sink and goes to wash it, but Jay gently swats his hands away and does it for him.

Standing to the side, Jungwon leans his hip on the counter. “They were talking about the ice cream,” he explains. “Hence the ‘salty and creamy’ thing.”

Jay makes a soft ah sound, scrubbing the inside of the plate before rinsing it. “Salty ice cream?”

“Cheese flavour.”

“Got it.” He turns off the tap, then shakes the water droplets off his hands, grabbing a cloth to dry himself with. “How was the food?”

Right, the food. Jungwon internally curses himself for not immediately singing Jay’s praises. “It was good, hyung. Really good. I love your curries. They’re my favourite.”

Jay smiles softly. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Definitely.” He reaches forward to playfully poke Jay in the arm with his finger. “I think Jake hyung wanted some, but he wasn’t that hungry. ”

At that, Jay turns sheepish. He looks off to the corner of the kitchen, staring at some of the magnets on the fridge. “Yeah…”

“But thank you,” he continues. And usually Jungwon isn’t openly complimentary with Jay, because he feels like if he thanked him for everything that he did he’d never have enough time in the world and it would stop being meaningful. So he really means it on the few occasions that he does. “For cooking for us.”

Jay hesitates. He looks like he wants to say something, like there are some words stuck in the back of his throat, but he doesn’t. He just gives a small nod and touches Jungwon’s wrist. It’s a brief, uncertain touch that is barely there, but it carries so many unspoken words.

“I think I’ll go to bed,” Jay tells him, dropping his hand back to his side. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Wonnie.”

Jungwon smiles at the nickname. “Sleep well.”

“Yeah, you too.”

With that, Jay goes.

Jungwon watches him disappear through the door, down the hallway until he’s out of sight. He stands there in the kitchen for a moment.

He doesn’t think there’s ever a proper moment of silence in the dorms. Even at night there’s always the sound of someone snoring, or a video being played, or music drifting through the rooms. However, Jungwon has never known silence more than he knows it when Jay leaves.

It’s strange, because he can hear the sounds of the television bleeding in from the living room.

Yet, for Jungwon, it’s silent.

ᓚᘏᗢ

They’re given a complete day off at the end of the month.

The air conditioning has been fixed, so it makes the heat a lot more pleasant and liveable. Jungwon makes breakfast for himself as the others sit around the table. They’re all in different states of getting ready.

Jake and Niki have already left as they’re going to another band’s concert together, and Sunoo went to spend time with some of his other friends. That just leaves four of them.

“It’s too sticky to go out,” Sunghoon complains, pressing one hand to his forehead as he pokes his finger against the crust of his toast. “Who even invented the sun?”

“Me,” Jay answers as he pours himself a coffee. “What are you guys gonna do today, anyway? Stay here?”

Heeseung keeps scrolling through his phone as he speaks. “Probably. I mean, it’s not like either of us have anything better to do than hang out with each other,” he says, glancing at Sunghoon. “No offence.”

“None taken.”

Jay shrugs as he takes a sip of his coffee. “Have fun, I guess.”

Heeseung and Sunghoon eventually say goodbye and go, leaving the other two alone. Jungwon yawns.

“What are you doing today?” he asks, resting his chin in his palm as he looks ahead at Jay. “Are you going out?”

Jay nods and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “You?”

Jungwon doesn’t have plans today. He was originally going to just lay in bed and roll around on his phone for several hours, before passing out and then waking up to eat, then repeat the rolling around in bed cycle.

But Jay probably has better plans, so Jungwon asks: “Can I come along?” and puts on his best innocent face.

“Of course,” Jay says easily, giving a small smile. He grabs the empty plates off the table and goes to put them in the sink. “I wanna buy a new pair of sunglasses and I need some more shirts. I’d love the company, it’s boring going alone.”

Jungwon’s legs dangle off the stool, and he swings them idly. “The sunglasses you have now are cool, though.”

Jay shrugs. “I could always do with another pair.” He drains the last of his coffee, then washes the mug. “I’m gonna go and shower. Meet me by the door in thirty?”

“Sure.”

He smiles as Jay ruffles his hair on his way out.

Jungwon had already showered earlier, so he goes back to his room to dress and fix his hair. He grabs a mask off his nightstand and pockets it, then sits on his bed to scroll through his phone as a way to kill time.

He responds to some fans, checks the messages on the group chat, but there’s nothing new other than Jay having added Niki back after he left again.

Jungwon types out a quick message to everyone saying that they’re going to the shops and to let them know if they need anything. Sunoo responds with a specific brand of shampoo he ran out of, so Jungwon makes a mental note of it.

He eventually meets Jay by the front door.

They get a taxi to the mall, and Jungwon watches all the trees move past the car as he stares out of the window. He has a small smile of anticipation on his face as he thinks about all the things they’re about to do.

Even if they do nothing much, he’ll be equally as happy. He’s just excited to spend some time with Jay.

They get there and thank the driver before climbing out. The two of them walk inside.

“Where to first?” Jungwon asks, arms swinging casually by his sides.

Jay hums in thought as the automatic doors open. The inside of the mall is a lot cooler than it was outside, so he unzips his hoodie. “Do you need anything?”

“Shampoo for Sunoo hyung.”

“Let’s do that first,” Jay says, nodding his head in the right direction.

It doesn’t take long to find the right store. Jungwon makes his way to the hair section with Jay tagging along behind him. He checks his phone to make sure he grabs the right thing.

“Summer fruits,” Jay reads off it, turning it in his hand. “What even counts as a summer fruit?”

Jungwon thinks about it. “If you don’t know that, then why would I?”

“Because you’re smart.”

“Not about summer fruits,” Jungwon teases, putting the bottle in the basket Jay is holding. “Or shampoo scents. I always stick to one.”

Jay shrugs, eyes flicking up to Jungwon’s head for a brief moment. “I like the one you use. It makes your hair all soft, so why change it?” he muses, then prods at some other products on the shelves.

Jungwon subconsciously touches his hair as they start walking to the checkout. He makes a small noise but doesn’t say anything back.

He quickly pays for the shampoo and thanks the cashier, taking the bag. Jay plucks it out of his hands and holds it for him as they leave the store.

“Shirts now?”

Jay hums and guides them to the store he wanted to go to. The automatic doors slide open and Jungwon gets a whiff of the new-clothes smell that hangs heavily in this place, causing him to wrinkle his nose.

It just smells stale.

Jay laughs as he notices his expression. “What’s wrong?”

“It stinks in here.”

They go over to a rack and Jay picks up a shirt, holding it up so he can smell it. He makes a face too and quickly puts it down. “You’re right,” he murmurs, then looks around to make sure none of the employees can hear. “Hopefully the smell disappears when I wash whatever I buy.”

Jungwon can’t deny that logic. He trails behind Jay as the other looks through all the different shirts and jeans on display.

Jay glances over at him. “Are you gonna get anything?”

Shaking his head, Jungwon takes the little bag off him so Jay can use both hands. “I don’t need anything.”

“It won’t hurt to look.”

Jungwon supposes there’s no harm. He walks next to Jay and actually looks through the clothes this time as well, sticking close to his side because Jay’s scent masks the horrible stale smell that the clothes give off.

As he’s absently looking, he sees a hoodie. Picking it up, Jungwon holds it up and turns it to Jay. “Is this nice?”

“It’d suit you,” Jay tells him. He gestures for Jungwon to turn it around so he can look at the design on the back. “Cool. You should get it.”

Jungwon looks at the price tag and shudders. “I don’t think it’s worth that.”

Jay pouts. “But you like it.”

He does like it, yeah, but he doesn’t think there’s any particular occasion to be spending that much money. It’s just a random day. So he shrugs. “Maybe another time.”

They leave the conversation at that. Jay nods and goes back to looking for shirts as Jungwon wanders through the different aisles, looking for things that he thinks would suit Jay instead.

He sees a lot of striped shirts that he thinks Jake would like, and some black shirts that Sunghoon would wear, but nothing for Jay.

Eventually he spots a particular shirt— a deep blue polo. Jungwon rubs the fabric between his fingers as he goes over to find Jay, placing it in his arms.

Jay looks at him in confusion. “You want this?”

“For you,” he clarifies, rocking back slightly on his heels. “You should try it on in the fitting rooms. It seems like something you’d wear, hyung.”

Jay seems to trust him because he doesn’t scrutinise the shirt further. The two of them go to the fitting rooms and Jungwon sits on the chairs outside as Jay goes in to change behind the curtain.

Within a minute, Jay opens the curtain and steps out.

He’s wearing it. Jungwon ignores the way his heart does something funny as he looks at the way it hugs his shoulders and chest, before his eyes trail down to his bare arms. He takes in his honey-toned skin the way he always does, because he thinks that it’s one of his favourite things about Jay.

Jay turns around to look at himself in the mirror. “Do you think it’s too tight?”

“No—” Jungwon says quickly, then coughs. He sinks back against his chair. “It fits right. Don’t worry, it’s the right size.” Pausing, he watches Jay through his reflection. “Will you get it?”

Tugging at the fabric, Jay slowly nods. “It’s comfortable.”

“Okay.” His mouth feels strangely dry. He isn’t sure why, and so he pushes it to the back of his mind in the way that he pushes down everything that doesn’t quite make sense. In the same category of things he refuses to open, because he knows that certain things shouldn’t be opened.

Jay tilts his head. “Are you sure I don’t look stupid? Is blue even my colour?”

Jungwon doesn’t think he could say anything more absurd. “Blue is your colour,” he tells him, then hesitates because he feels like he hasn’t said enough. “You look handsome, hyung. I think you should get it.”

“Handsome?” Jay repeats, turning back to the mirror. Jungwon doesn’t miss the smug smile on his face. “Our Jungwonnie thinks I’m handsome.”

That gets Jungwon to scoff. He looks to the side, rolling his eyes with a certain fondness. “Don’t push it.”

“I won’t.”

Jay tells him to go around outside and pick a food place for them to eat at. So Jungwon leaves the store and wanders around the mall before settling on a certain food court.

He grabs a table and then texts Jay to tell him where he is.

When Jay eventually joins him he’s got two bags in his hands, one of which he says contains sunglasses he ended up buying with the shirt, along with the one containing the shampoo for Sunoo.

He smiles and sits opposite Jungwon, placing them down on an extra seat.

They spend about an hour there just eating and talking. Jungwon laughs along at the stories Jay tells him and idly picks at his food, which is why it takes him so long to finish.

It gets cold, but he doesn’t mind that much.

Once they finish they decide to walk off their meal by doing a few laps of the mall, dipping in and out of other stores, then finally leave. The air outside is humid. Jungwon pushes his bangs out of his face and shakes his head to fix his hair.

They call a taxi and get in.

They don’t talk on the journey back because the driver has the radio on, so Jungwon just goes on his phone as Jay looks out of the window, keeping one hand on the bags in the middle seat.

When they eventually get back to the dorms and head inside, Jay says he’s going to go put his clothes away. Jungwon takes the shampoo and heads to Sunoo’s room.

He knocks twice, then lets himself in.

Sunoo is on his bed with his headphones on. He takes them off when he sees Jungwon. “Hey,” he greets enthusiastically, then spots the bottle in Jungwon’s hands. “Oh, you got it? Thank you.”

Jungwon tosses it onto the bed. “What’s a summer fruit?”

Sunoo smiles and uncaps the bottle and holds it up for him to smell. Jungwon leans forward a little and inhales, eyebrows raising. It just smells like a bunch of berries. He moves back again.

“Does that answer your question?”

Feeling a little embarrassed, Jungwon scratches the back of his head. “Me and Jay hyung were wondering.”

Sunoo makes a soft ah noise and nods, placing the shampoo on his nightstand. “Did you guys have fun? What did you buy?”

“I didn’t get anything, but he got this polo shirt that was nice,” he tells him, hovering next to the bed. “And a pair of sunglasses that probably look identical to his other pair, but don’t tell him I said that.”

Laughing, Sunoo shakes his head. “All of his sunglasses look the same.”

Jungwon would disagree and say that they each actually have little differences if you look closely, but he decides to just go with the joke. “They do,” he agrees, smiling stupidly. He finally sits down on the edge of the bed. “Did you see your friends today? You’re back early.”

He shrugs. “We just met for lunch. Everyone’s kinda busy with their own lives. It’s not like when we were younger.” Picking up his phone, he plays with the case. “Which is strange. Don’t you think it’s strange?”

Jungwon doesn’t know what he means. “What’s strange?”

“That we grow up.” Sunoo seems lost in thought for a moment as he stares ahead at the wall. “It’s like just yesterday I was in school, and now all my friends are adults with jobs and I don’t know where the time went.”

It’s quiet for a moment. Jungwon looks down at his hands, picking at the skin around his nails. “Time seems to do that.”

Sunoo huffs out a laugh, shaking his head. “Don’t you ever wish you could go back?”

Jungwon isn’t sure how the conversation changed so drastically, because just a minute ago they were talking about something so lighthearted. He guesses that’s fitting.

He takes a moment to think. Does he wish he could go back to how things were before he debuted? Before he became something his younger self never even dreamed of, because his shoes were too small and his shoulders weren’t broad enough to carry the weight of anything?

Jungwon doesn’t know most of the answers to a lot of things in life, but he measures the weight of what he carries now by the people he loves. So he says “No,” and Sunoo looks at him strangely.

“Why not?”

Jungwon purses his lips and runs his fingers along the bedframe, along a dip in the wood as if he can straighten it out. He can’t. “I wouldn’t have been able to meet any of you.”

“Maybe we would have all met anyway,” Sunoo muses, a small smile on his lips as if he finds the thought amusing. “Maybe we’re all connected and there’s some divine intervention, or something. Fate. Do you believe in that?”

He doesn’t. “You seem like you do.”

“I believe in soulmates for sure,” Sunoo says, brushing some of his hair out of his face with his fingers. “And fate.”

Jungwon pauses, staring down at the wooden dent in the bedframe. He sees how the dark lines that go through it are all parallel, running along each other but never touching. He wonders, deep down, if that was them in another life.

Most of all, he wonders if there’s a universe where he doesn’t know Jay.

“I think I put a damper on the conversation,” Sunoo jokes, eyes crinkling as he laughs. “You look like you’re contemplating life, I’m sorry. I’ve just been thinking and being spiritual lately.”

Jungwon snaps out of it and smiles back, shaking his head. He looks away from the wood and back at Sunoo. “I’m not contemplating anything.”

“You totally were.”

His phone buzzes at that moment, and Jungwon picks it up to see that it’s a message from Jay telling him to come to his room.

“I’ve gotta go,” Jungwon tells him, standing up and pocketing his phone.

Sunoo nods and starts to slide his headphones back on. “Thanks for the shampoo.”

Quickly saying goodbye to Sunoo, he heads out and shuts the door behind him. Jungwon walks down the hallway and then steps into Jay’s room, spotting him near his chest of drawers.

“You called me?”

Jay startles and turns around, then urges him inside. “Come, sit,” he instructs, so Jungwon takes a seat on his bed and folds his legs up on the mattress. Jay comes to join him with a bag.

Jungwon frowns, looking at it. “What…?”

“For you,” Jay says, pushing it gently into his hands. He waits for Jungwon to take it before sitting back expectantly. “Go on, open it. It’s yours.”

He hesitates. At the back of his mind, Jungwon has a feeling he knows what this is, but he can’t believe it at the same time. Because there’s no occasion, and as generous as Jay is, he doesn’t want to believe it.

Jungwon opens it anyway. Once all the wrapping is out of the way and it’s just laying bare on his lap, he stares at Jay with his mouth slightly open.

“Why?”

“You just… seemed like you really wanted it. I wanted to do something nice.” Jay becomes a little shy. “I can return it if you don’t actually want it.”

Quickly shaking his head, Jungwon sets the hoodie down on the bed. He wraps his arms around Jay and hugs him, resting his forehead on his shoulder.

It’s a quiet hug because he still isn’t sure how to show his gratitude with his words yet, but he hopes that Jay understands all the feelings flowing through his body.

“Thank you,” Jungwon eventually says, barely above a whisper. “You need to stop being so generous, hyung.”

And even though he can’t see Jay’s face, he hears the smile in his voice when he speaks. “As long as you’re happy, I’m happy.”

Jungwon grins, pulling back from the hug. He looks back at the hoodie and grabs it, unzipping it before putting it on. It doesn’t even smell bad anymore— it smells strangely like Jay’s own cologne as he sniffs the sleeve.

Jay seems to notice his confusion. “I sprayed it with something so it wouldn’t stink when you tried it on,” he explains. “Just until you wash it.”

The admission makes something fuzzy settle in his gut. It’s just so thoughtful, which isn’t surprising because it’s Jay. “Thank you, hyung. I’ll never take it off,” he declares, then backtracks. “Or… I will take it off, because I don’t want it to stink again.”

Jay ruffles his hair. “I’m glad you like it.”

“I love it,” he says, wrapping his arms around himself. “Next time, I’ll buy you something nice.”

Scrunching up the wrapping to pack it away, Jay stands. “You don’t have to do that, Wonnie. Just eat well and take care of yourself.” He moves over to his trash can and stuffs the packaging into it, dusting off his hands. “I’m gonna have a shower. I’ll see you later, ‘kay?”

Jungwon nods and says goodbye, letting Jay leave.

He lies down on Jay’s bed once he’s gone, hair sprawled against his pillow. Jungwon can’t help the feeling of content running through him as he lays there, surrounded by the smell of him. It’s everywhere— on his pillow, his sheets, even the hoodie Jungwon is wearing. It’s in the air and it wraps around Jungwon’s mind comfortingly.

He decides to just stay there for the rest of the evening.

He knows Jay won’t mind.

ᓚᘏᗢ

“I think we should get some of these,” Sunoo says through his mask, grabbing a few snacks from the top aisle to throw into their cart. “Don’t you think?”

Jungwon looks down at the chocolate bars now lying on top of other items they have grabbed. He shrugs, nodding. “Get more or they’ll be finished in a day.”

The two of them have been sent on a quick mission to the store by the others, because Heeseung was napping, and Jay had his own schedule at the company. The rest of them had some free time so had done a quick rock-paper-scissors.

The two that lost had to go.

So Jungwon walks with Sunoo down the aisles, both of them piling the basket high with snacks. The inside of the store is cool and luckily not that busy, so Jungwon tips his head back a little to let it hit the bit of his face that isn’t covered.

“Do you know when Jay hyung is going to be back?” Jungwon asks him when they move into another aisle.

Sunoo reads the ingredients on the back of a bag of chips, not bothering to look up. “Aren’t you supposed to know that?”

“Me?”

“Yeah.”

“No, I don’t,” Jungwon responds. He idly picks something up from the shelf just to fiddle with. “I think he’s still busy.”

Sunoo makes a small noise as he puts the bag back. “Do you miss him, or something?”

“What?” Jungwon glances up, then lets out a small laugh of disbelief. He follows after Sunoo as the other keeps walking again, before realising he still has an item in his hands that he doesn’t even want. Oh well. “How can I miss him when I see him everyday?”

“Maybe because you haven’t seen him all morning.”

He hesitates. He doesn’t know why he hesitates, because what Sunoo is saying is ridiculous. “I don’t need to see him all the time. I don’t… miss him. I was just wondering when he’ll be back so I can know if we’re all eating together.”

Sunoo looks unconvinced, but he doesn’t say anything. He’s too busy on his phone looking at the updated shopping list Jake has sent on the group chat.

Hovering next to him, Jungwon lets his hands lie awkwardly at his sides. “I think he went to film a video.”

Sunoo nods and turns off his phone to slide into his pocket. “That’s cool,” he simply says, grabbing some more things off the shelves. “Do we need fruit? Jake hyung told me to get mangoes, but I don’t see any.”

Jungwon only then realises that they’ve walked to a different aisle. He hasn’t been paying attention. Feeling a little guilty for not helping, he looks around and spots them. “There.”

“Ah, thanks.”

He grabs the crate and moves it into the cart himself, huffing at how heavy it is. He doesn’t think that Jake wanted this many mangoes. But the more the merrier. “Do you think I should text him?”

Sunoo looks at him in confusion. “Jake hyung? Well… if you want, I guess. But I think he’ll be okay with this many.”

“No, I— I’m talking about Jay hyung,” Jungwon clarifies, standing up straight again after reshuffling the items in their cart. He grabs the handle bar and takes over with the pushing as they continue walking. “I think I’ll text him.”

“To say what?” Sunoo asks, running his fingers along the shelves as he looks at him. “I’m sure he’ll be home by the time we get back, Wonnie.”

Jungwon nods. He follows Sunoo, but his mind is elsewhere.

By the time they’ve gotten everything and are waiting in line for the checkout, Jungwon feels restless.

Sunoo picks something out of their cart and looks at it in confusion. “What are these?”

Jungwon glances over to see what he’s referring to, then smiles to himself. “Oh, Jay hyung likes those. I thought I’d get them for him.” He takes it off him to place down onto the conveyor. “He ran out.”

“Oh, right.”

There’s a little bit of a queue— all the other checkout counters have been shut as it’s late, but thankfully there aren’t too many people, so Jungwon adjusts his mask as they shuffle along when the previous person is finally done, and their items move up the belt a little more.

“Hey, what are you doing tonight?” Sunoo asks him, stretching and yawning. “There’s this new drama I’m going to watch with Niki. Do you want to join us?”

Jungwon thinks for a few seconds. Normally he would say yes, because he loves watching things with the two of them and he’s always so happy to spend time with anyone, really. But he feels a little different today. He doesn’t know why.

Sunoo must sense his hesitation and read his mind, because he pats him on the back knowingly. “I get it.”

Jungwon frowns. “Get what?”

“I get it, but you don’t get it,” he says cryptically. “You will get it soon.’

That just confuses him even more, because now he’s wondering if Sunoo has been possessed. He laughs awkwardly, eyebrows drawn together a little. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, hyung.”

“Exactly.”

Before Jungwon gets to say anything else, though, their items start being scanned. The two of them move forwards and get ready to pay.

It doesn’t take long as they hadn’t gotten that much. Jungwon carries the crate of mangoes outside whilst Sunoo holds onto the bags, and they set off back to the dorms.

Jungwon looks up at the darkening sky, letting out a sigh. His arms are aching a little from the weight of the mangoes.

“I’ve been playing a new game on my phone,” Sunoo says, swinging the bags in his arms as he skips a little. “It’s one of those ones where you match the colours together, and then stuff happens.”

Jungwon perks up. “Oh, Jay hyung used to play one of those two years ago. He was pretty bad, though. I’m sure you’re better.”

Sunoo laughs. “It’s seriously addicting. And it kinda gives me a headache because all the colours are so bright,” he complains, scuffing his shoe on the ground. “But I can’t stop.”

“That’s kinda what happens when you’re addicted.”

“Literally,” he groans lightheartedly. “You’re an addict too, Jungwon.”

Jungwon makes a face. “I’m not.”

“Oh, you are. What makes it worse is that you don’t even realise,” he teases, smirking. “I should start taking shots every time you say Jay hyung’s name. It’s like you’re addicted to it.”

He turns bright red from how embarrassingly ridiculous that is. “That— No. That’s not true,” he splutters. “I am not.”

Sunoo shrugs and looks ahead as they get closer to their building. “You kinda are.”

“I’ve barely spoken about him today.”

That makes Sunoo scoff so violently that he almost chokes, not even dignifying him with a response.

They get inside and head towards their front door.

Just as he’s about to open his mouth and ask if Sunoo thinks that Jay will be home, he snaps it shut again.

Maybe he does have a problem.

“I won’t say his name for the rest of the day,” he decides.

Sunoo raises an eyebrow. “I don’t think that’s possible.”

“I swear I don’t even do it that much,” Jungwon insists, his voice climbing a bit higher in frustration. “That’s not fair. You do it, too. Everyone talks about him.”

“Well,” he starts, raising a finger. “The difference is that we have a reason to mention him. If he comes up in conversation. You just do it randomly. Like I’ll be talking about… avocado, or whatever, and you’ll start up about something Jay hyung said three years ago on a specific date.”

Jungwon has nothing to say to that.

They put the pin in for the door and Sunoo pushes it open, stepping inside. Jungwon follows reluctantly after him before toeing off his shoes.

“We’re back!” Sunoo calls, balancing the bags in his hands as he grabs the crate from Jungwon’s arms. “Jake hyung, come and look!”

But Jungwon isn’t paying attention when everyone gets to the kitchen and starts unloading the groceries. He doesn’t pay attention when Jake exclaims happily about the mangoes and starts panting like a dog, holding one up like it’s his newborn.

Okay, maybe Jungwon is sulking. He doesn’t agree with what Sunoo said, and his mood is even worse because everyone is home except for Jay.

And he can’t even talk about it, because he’s banned himself from mentioning his name now.

He pulls out a stool around the kitchen table and sits as the others talk excitedly amongst themselves. Sunoo is showing what the two of them brought, handing respective items to their new owners.

Jungwon grabs the bag of corn chips he bought for Jay and holds it protectively to himself before anyone else can take it.

“Oh, man, I didn’t think they actually sold this anymore,” Heeseung is saying, taking out a can of some obscure energy drink. He walks to the fridge and puts it onto one of the shelves for another day. “You seriously got everything. Thanks, you two.”

They all look happy as the table gets cleared and the plastic bags get stored away. Everyone except for Jungwon.

Jake looks over at him. “What’s wrong, Wonnie?”

“Nothing,” he responds, because nothing is even wrong. He’s just feeling strange after that conversation, and now he feels like he’s a head floating off a pair of shoulders. Very strange. “I think I’m a bit tired. That crate was too heavy to carry home.”

He catches Sunoo’s gaze from across the room, but Sunoo doesn’t say anything to call him out on the excuse. He just gives him a sympathetic look and goes back to washing his hands.

Jake pats him between the shoulder blades as he walks past. “Well I appreciate it, anyway.”

“You seriously look upset,” Niki chimes in, resting his elbows on the table as he leans forwards to inspect Jungwon’s face. “Did the mangoes personally offend you, hyung?”

Sunoo sighs. “Leave him alone, he’s brooding.”

“I’m not brooding.”

“You have a brooding face on,” Sunghoon says, joining in. “Which is freaky, because you always look so happy. So something must’ve happened.”

Jungwon debates what to say in response.

It’s tricky, because he doesn’t even know why he looks like he’s brooding. Maybe he really is just tired and the day has caught up to him, and all he wants is to just get into bed and sleep.

The sound of the front door opening suddenly can be heard. Jungwon sits up a little straighter and turns.

Jay comes into the kitchen, poking his head around the doorframe. His eyes find Jungwon first, and he gives him a warm smile.

Jungwon feels the buzzing in his brain fade away.

“You’re back,” Jake calls, slapping him on the shoulder when Jay comes towards the table. “Took you long enough.”

Jay greets the rest of them before coming to stand next to Jungwon. “I got busy in the studio and I kinda lost track of time. I was practicing one of my new guitars,” he says, then spots the bag of chips in his arms. “For me?”

He nods and hands it to him, getting a soft touch on the head in response. Jungwon smiles up at him, and someone laughs.

“Oh, look at that. He’s stopped brooding,” Sunoo comments, fixing his hair in his phone’s mirrored case.

Jungwon sticks his tongue out at him even though he’s not looking.

No one else comments on it as the conversation carries on. Jay tells them about some fans he bumped into on his walk home, and then Niki responds with a similar story from yesterday. Jungwon just sits there, enjoying the warmth that clings to Jay and bleeds from his body.

Jay is still wearing his hoodie. It smells like him but with a hint of the fresh, outdoor air, and Jungwon doesn’t lean into it.

Definitely not.

“But now I’m seriously so exhausted,” Jay is saying to them when Jungwon starts paying attention again. Niki and Sunghoon have already exited the room, just leaving the other five around the kitchen table. “I swear I didn’t even do much, but I’m so tired.”

“I guess it’s kinda getting late,” Heeseung shrugs.

“It’s not even eight.”

Jungwon leans forward and presses his cheek against the table as he joins in. “Maybe all that guitar playing tired your fingers out.”

“Who knows,” Jay muses. “I might just get into bed and watch something on my phone.”

“Wow, how exciting,” Jake deadpans.

Jay jokingly raises his hand at him, causing Jake to laugh and back away.

Eventually, the others leave the room to continue doing whatever they were before they had been called to the kitchen. Jungwon assumes that Sunoo and Niki are watching that new show, and Heeseung has probably just gone back to his room. The shower sounds like it’s on, which means that it’s either Jake or Sunghoon in there.

Either way, only he and Jay are left in the kitchen.

Jungwon sits up straighter.

“Thank you for these,” Jay says to him, showing the bag he’s still holding. He takes a seat on the stool at the other side of the table so that they’re facing each other. “How did you know I was out of them?”

Jungwon rubs his arm as he responds. “You said it last week.”

“Ah, right. I forgot that you seem to remember everything,” Jay teases, propping one of his elbows on the table. He has the bag open and reaches in to grab one of the chips. He extends it towards Jungwon. “For your efforts.”

He happily accepts it, popping it into his mouth. “Thank you,” he mumbles around it. He doesn’t really like the flavour that much himself, but he eats it anyway after pulling a face. “How was your day?”

He asks it even though Jay had just told them all how his day was. But Jungwon wants to hear it himself. It feels more personal this way.

Jay doesn’t complain about having to repeat himself. His face is easy and so is his posture as he chews. “It was okay, nothing special. I was kinda bored but I got busy with my guitar. I was gonna go live, then I realised I was a bit too tired,” he explains, stifling a yawn. “But tell me about your day.”

Jungwon recounts what he had done earlier, and then how he went to the store with Sunoo. It’s monotonous and a bit boring, but Jay listens attentively and nods along at parts.

“No one recognised you guys?”

Jungwon shakes his head. “It wasn’t too busy. There were mainly some elderly people there and a few people who had gotten off work,” he says, stretching his arms out in front of him. “It was nice when we walked home because the sky was darkening.”

Jay stretches his arms out too until their fingers are almost brushing on the table. “You haven’t been on a night walk in a while.”

He’s right. Jungwon has been too tired in the evenings to go on the walks that he always used to. “Maybe tonight.”

He wants to add the words ‘will you join me?’, but he knows that Jay is extra tired today. So he doesn’t. He’s walked alone quite a few times, even if he does secretly prefer it when he has the company.

Jay seals up the bag with a knot and leaves it on the countertop. “Ask me.”

“What?”

“You know,” Jay says easily, folding his arms on the table. “Ask.”

So Jungwon does. “Will you join me?”

“Yes.”

There’s a certain warmth that blooms in his chest. Sunoo’s words from earlier are still ringing in his head, but they’ve faded only to be consumed by thoughts of Jay.

He thinks, in the back of his mind, that he feels like he’s home for the first time all day.

Later on when the sky is black and the faint stars have begun to litter the sky, Jungwon zips up his jacket and pulls on his shoes.

They had told the others that they were going out for a little bit, only to be waved off with a few grunts of goodbye, or stay safe. Jungwon opens the front door and waits for Jay to follow after him.

When they get down and step outside, the warm night breeze ruffles Jungwon’s hair.

Jay has his hands in his pockets as he walks next to him. They’re close, yet there’s a distance between them large enough that their shoulders don’t brush together.

“Where do you want to go?” Jay asks him, kicking a few pebbles on the ground.

Jungwon watches as they roll until they fall off the curb. “Anywhere.”

So they walk the usual route. Most of it is in silence as they take pictures of the full moon to post online, not caring that everyone will be able to tell that they’re together. Jungwon looks down at the floor as they pass through some streetlamps, seeing how both of their shadows join together at the heads.

“I’m hungry,” Jungwon lightly complains, swinging his hands at his sides.

“Have you not eaten dinner?”

“Not yet,” he says with a small pout. “When we get home, if it’s not too late. Have you eaten?”

“Not yet,” he mirrors, taking his hands out of his pockets to copy Jungwon. He looks over at the tops of the trees and the moonlit leaves. “My stomach is kinda upset because I drank a disgusting coffee earlier. I think the milk was old.”

Jungwon grimaces. “At the company?”

“Yeah.”

“I think they need to throw that machine away,” Jungwon says, knowing which one he’s talking about. “I don’t think it’s the milk. The water tank has mold in it, hyung. Last time I drank from it I thought I was gonna die.”

Jay pretends to gag, pressing a hand to his mouth. “Oh god, I drank mold. I’m trying not to think about it.”

That gets Jungwon to laugh. He finally bumps their shoulders together. “You’ll live.”

“I better.”

“Hyung, do you think that if you drink enough mold you turn into a mold monster?”

Jay humours him by pretending to think about it for a few seconds, a fond smile on his face. “Oh, for sure,” he jokes, then swerves away from a street lamp before he walks into it. “I think it depends on the kind of mold you drink, though. Some of them are dangerous and they produce, um… mycotoxins, I think they’re called.”

Jungwon hums and looks up at the sky, letting him rant as they continue walking down the quiet side streets. He usually doesn’t understand what Jay is talking about when he starts explaining certain things to him. Not really. But he enjoys listening anyway.

“I’m pretty sure you can even get cancer from it, or problems with your immune-system. Oh, also liver damage and issues with your brain,” he goes on, turning to Jungwon as he speaks. He narrowly misses another street lamp. “Huh. Maybe that’s why I’m so tired today.”

Jungwon’s head snaps to him. “Don’t joke about that.”

“I’m not joking,” Jay says with a soft laugh. “No, I’m fine. I’m not feeling unwell, so don’t worry.”

They get to the bridge above the river, and they both stop to stand by the railing. Jungwon rests his arms on it. “Good.”

“But I’ll tell them to throw the machine out tomorrow,” Jay finishes, sighing. He finally looks away from Jungwon to stare out at the water, seeing the way the stars are reflected in it. “Wow.”

Jungwon subtly turns to him. He lets his eyes roam over Jay’s side profile, down the sharp slope of his nose and the soft curve of his mouth, further down to his jawline. His hair is blowing against his forehead, some of it getting in his eyes, and Jungwon resists the urge to fix it for him.

“Sunoo hyung said something to me today,” Jungwon starts in a quiet voice, catching Jay’s attention.

“What did he say?”

“That…” Trailing off, Jungwon debates whether or not to say it. He thinks he should say it because it’s just so ridiculous, but part of him feels embarrassed to say it aloud. He decides to bite the bullet. “That I’m always mentioning you in conversations.”

Jay falters. He’s still watching the river, but Jungwon notices how his eyes flick to the side for a split second. “Yeah?”

“I don’t think I do it,” Jungwon quickly clarifies. “Everyone talks about you.”

Jay turns around then, leaning his back against the railing instead. “Because I’m just so amazing and funny?”

Jungwon scrunches his nose up. “Ah, you’re really embarrassing, hyung.”

“You didn’t say no.”

He doesn’t respond to that. Jungwon pushes his own bangs out of his eyes and looks away from Jay. “Do you agree with him?”

“Who? Sunoo?”

“Yes.”

Jay pauses, lips pressed together as he thinks. He watches a few people walk by on the bridge along with the occasional car. “I don’t know.”

Jungwon is both dissatisfied and relieved at the same time. He wants to force Jay to give a proper answer, yet he doesn’t want to know the truth. “Hyung.”

“Well why do you do it?”

The question catches him off guard. Why does he do it? He isn’t even sure, and he doesn’t even think he does, so how can he answer that. So he says “I don’t know,” just like Jay had.

Jay gives him a look. “Jungwon.”

He sighs. Leaning his forearms back on the railing, Jungwon stares down at the water. The conversation is making him feel uneasy, for some reason. “The water looks almost black,” he observes instead.

Jay doesn’t comment on the blatant conversation change. He turns back around to look down too. “It does.”

“Do you know how deep it is?” he asks, because Jay seems to know everything.

And he does. “About ten feet.”

That’s deep. Jungwon almost shudders at the thought of the dark, cold water that would reach way above his head. But when he looks into Jay’s eyes, he finds that they’re even deeper.

He shudders for a different reason.

“Cold?”

Jungwon nods. They both know it’s a lie.

“Maybe we should start to go back,” Jay suggests, jerking his head in the direction that they came. “I don’t want you getting sick.”

“We haven’t been here for long enough to go back.”

Jay seems like he wants to protest, but he doesn’t. “Okay.”

It’s silent after that, as they both look down at the river. The moon reflects off the small waves as the wind pushes to create illuminated ripples on the black surface.

Sometimes, Jungwon feels an ache in his body. Not a physical one, but something deep within himself that he cannot address. He has never felt it around Jay before except for today. Right now.

He doesn’t know why.

It’s the feeling of dread, when there’s nothing immediately wrong but you feel like something is coming. And Jungwon feels like he’s floating in the river— like his body is on the shore but his mind is lost in a ten foot deep void.

It’s weird, because Jay always makes him feel like his head is on his shoulders.

Something has shifted today. He isn’t sure what it is.

“Hey,” Jay prods, gazing at him from the side. “You look like you’re far away.”

Jungwon comes back to the present. “I’m here.”

“You were gone for a moment.”

“I know,” he says. He doesn’t expand, or tell Jay what he had been thinking about, or that anything is wrong inside of him. It would be hard explaining his feelings when he can’t comprehend them himself.

Jay stands next to him wordlessly as a form of support. Jungwon is grateful for that, because sometimes things are better left unsaid.

Or, at least, that’s what he thinks.

When they head back home and part ways that night, Jungwon finds himself staring at the ceiling for an hour.

ᓚᘏᗢ

He watches Jay from across the practice room.

They’re having a small break from dance rehearsal, so Jungwon is sitting on the floor near his bag, downing a bottle of water. Some of it escapes his lips, dripping down his chin. He wipes it away with the back of his hand.

Jay is talking to Niki, but he meets Jungwon’s eyes through the mirror. He gives him a smile before continuing the conversation.

“Yo,” Jake greets as he sits next to him, following Jungwon’s line of sight. He nudges him. “Something on his face?”

Jungwon snaps out of it. “Huh?”

“Jay,” he clarifies, jutting his chin out to gesture to him. “You’re staring.”

Staring? Jungwon wouldn’t call it staring. “I’m just wondering what they’re talking about.”

Jake nods, leaning his head back against the wall. His chest is still heaving slightly from dancing, and he takes off his cap to run a hand through his hair, pushing it out of his face. “Probably nothing.”

“Yeah.”

Jake glances at him again. “You okay?”

That catches Jungwon off guard. He frowns slightly, tearing his eyes away from Jay to finally look in Jake’s direction. “Me? I’m okay, hyung. Why wouldn’t I be?”

He shrugs. “Just wondering.”

There’s something about Jake that makes him feel exposed. Like Jake knows something that he doesn’t but won’t say what it is. It’s oddly comforting and unnerving at the same time.

Jungwon doesn’t get the chance to ask him more, because their instructor is telling them that the break is over.

They all get into position again and the music starts from the top.

To be honest, Jungwon has barely gotten time to think lately with comeback preparations and hours in the studio. It’s as rewarding as it is draining, but he thinks that the reward definitely outweighs.

The only downside is that he gets too tired to hang out with Jay in the evenings.

Rehearsal goes smoothly.

“Is anyone hungry or is it just me?” Sunghoon asks once they’re done, stretching up.

Heeseung puts his hoodie back on, zipping it to the top. “I could eat.”

“Yeah, me too,” Sunoo agrees, grabbing his bag to sling it over his shoulder. He looks at Jake who nods in agreement, and in turn looks at Niki who also nods.

Jay is already looking at him. Jungwon gives him a small tilt of his chin in agreement.

“Okay, yeah. I’ll come. As long as I’m not the one paying this time,” Jay tells the rest of the group. “Oh— and please can we not go to that place we went to last week?”

Sunoo groans. “I don’t think any of us want to go there.”

They all start heading out together, because everyone knows that Jungwon will come now that Jay said he will. He walks by his side, their arms brushing together.

“I don’t think I’ve ever gotten such bad diarrhea," Sunghoon says, sounding pained at the memory. “And I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many shit stains in the toilet.”

“So nasty. You were the one who created all those stains,” Niki gags, earning a laugh.

Sunghoon exhales through his nose. “I was not. It was Sunoo.”

Sunoo whacks him on the arm.

Jungwon smiles to himself as they all leave the building. He briefly shuts his eyes against the warm air and stays close to Jay, feeling his body heat next to him.

Jay bumps their shoulders together. “You did good today.”

They trail slightly behind the others as Jake and Niki debate where to eat. Jungwon shakes his head at him fondly. “I wasn’t that good.”

“You were,” he insists. “I was watching you.”

Jungwon falters. It throws him off a bit, because Jay has never explicitly said it like that before. And Jungwon has never known how to take a compliment, so he just laughs it off. “You’re supposed to be watching yourself, hyung. That’s what the mirrors are for. Not me.”

Beneath the surface, he wants Jay to say more. He can’t take a compliment but he wants to receive more if they’re from him, even if only to deflect them and never accept any of them.

But Jay just laughs with him, like he finds his own words foolish. “Yeah, you’re right.”

Jungwon can’t feel disappointed. He did that to himself.

The others must have settled on a restaurant because they’re walking in a specific direction now. Jungwon focuses on the path ahead as he follows along. He doesn’t feel the need to ask— they all compromise when selecting places to eat, so he’s sure that whatever they pick will have something for everyone.

He’s grateful for it. For having a group of people who all appreciate each other. Jungwon cranes his neck up so he can see the dark sky and the few stars twinkling down at them.

He doesn’t see the way Jay is looking at him from the side, or the way that his throat moves as he swallows around something he wants to say.

They reach the restaurant shortly after. Jungwon is glad that they picked a local place, because the last thing he wanted to do was walk after all that choreo.

He sits next to Jay, opposite Jake on the furthest end of the table.

They’ve been here before, so orders are put in pretty quickly. Jay is a comforting presence next to him, solid and reliable as he recites both of their orders to the waiter.

Once that’s done, they all start to speak again.

“I wish someone would order for me,” Sunghoon complains, pouring himself a glass of water.

Niki seems to find that amusing. “Who would want to order for you?”

“I’ll order for you next time,” Heeseung tells him, although something tells Jungwon that he’s just saying that. “Why don’t we all order for each other from now on?”

Jake makes a face. “How would that work?”

“I don’t know.”

“Jay hyung only orders for Jungwon because he thinks he’s cute,” Sunoo announces to Sunghoon. “I don’t think anyone finds you cute.”

Jungwon’s cheeks turn a little pink from the first part. Jay shifts next to him, avoiding his gaze.

Surprisingly, no one seems bothered by what Sunoo said about them. As if it’s normal. Sunghoon just rolls his eyes. “Well I don’t want to be cute. Aren’t I sexy?”

“No, you’re kinda cute,” Jake corrects him, then adds: “Sometimes.”

Sunghoon shrugs, seemingly appeased as he goes back to his water.

Jungwon turns to Jay, voice dropping to a low murmur. “You think I’m cute?” He says it mostly as a joke to try and relieve the awkwardness in the air between them, but it unintentionally comes out more serious.

Jay has said that he’s cute in the past, because they all say it about him. This just feels different. More personal.

“Everyone thinks you’re cute.”

Jungwon is dissatisfied. “Are you everyone?”

“I’m a part of everyone, yes,” Jay clarifies, still not meeting his eyes. “But that’s not why I order for you.”

No one else is paying attention to their conversation. Jungwon keeps his eyes trained on the side of Jay’s face, watching as he pours water for both of them. Jungwon thinks he just does that automatically— like he can’t do anything for himself without doing it for him too.

“Then why?”

Jay puts the water back down and pushes his glass closer to him. “Just.”

Just is not an answer. It feels like one. Jungwon somehow thinks there are so many different sentences hidden within that singular word.

“Did you guys see you know who earlier?” Niki starts, looking between them all as he leans forwards.

Sunghoon tuts. “No gossiping.”

“You love the gossip the most,” Niki corrects, getting a few nods of agreement. Sunghoon shrugs, but doesn’t say anything else. “But fine.”

Sunoo perks up. “No, go on. We wanna know.”

Jay looks wary. “Tell us at home. Someone could be listening here,” he says, then glances around the restaurant. Jungwon does the same and decides that it’s too risky to talk about certain things.

So the conversation shifts to something less incriminating. Jake decides to tell them a story of how he caught this huge fish last week.

“And then it literally leaped out of my arms and started mutating like crazy!”

Jungwon laughs. “Mutating into what?”

“And since when did you go fishing last week?” Sunghoon asks, sceptical. “And— actually, more importantly, since when have you ever caught a fish as an adult?”

Jake scoffs. “You don’t believe me.”

They all sit back as the waiter places their food down onto the table, but that doesn’t stop the feud. Jungwon watches in amusement as Jake and Sunghoon fight over whether the story is true or not.

“What kind of fish was it, then?” Niki chimes in, trying to catch him out.

Jake answers in a split-second. “A Humphead Wrasse.”

“That sounds like the name of a porno.”

“It’s a very beautiful fish, thank you,” Jake rebutts, then grabs his plate of food and begins to open his beer bottle. “You would know if you ever caught one yourself. Any of you.”

Jungwon takes a sip of his water, then places it down on the table. “You said it mutated. You need to expand on that part, hyung.”

“Oh, it mutated alright,” Jake states, raising his eyebrows whilst nodding at them all. “Get this— it changed from a Humphead Wrasse to a Red-Lipped Batfish.” He shudders, then wipes his mouth with a napkin. “I was so scared.”

“Uh huh.”

Jake looks at all of their disbelieving faces before sinking back in his chair. “Fine. It was a dream.”

“I knew it,” Sunghoon exclaims, jabbing a finger into the table. “I knew you were lying. You can’t catch fish. Even a fool could’ve known that.”

Jungwon can’t help but laugh along at Jake’s expense, even though he shakes his head. “Don’t be mean, hyung.”

“It’s just the truth.”

Jake rolls his eyes and stabs his chopstick into a piece of food, waving it at all of them. “Just you wait. Next summer, I’ll bring home a bucket of self-caught fish.”

Jay makes a face as he passes Jungwon a can of soda. “Please don’t.”

“What do you know?”

“What do you know?” Jay mocks, making a face. They all laugh as Jake flips him off.

The rest of the meal passes by quickly. The food is so welcome after all the work they’ve done, and the conversation flows easily. Jungwon feels the tension from the past few weeks melt away until the only major feeling inside of him is happiness.

He looks around the group. He watches the way Sunoo rolls his eyes at something Sunghoon is saying, and the way that Niki’s shoulders shake as he laughs. Jungwon’s eyes flick to how Heeseung sits back against the booth quietly as he smiles, then to Jake who is drinking his beer.

Jungwon turns his head to Jay.

Jay is talking to Sunghoon, and so Jungwon watches the way his jaw works, and the way his lips move around his words. It’s almost captivating, in a strange way.

His staring is interrupted when the waiter brings bottles of soju over that someone had ordered. Jungwon isn’t sure who.

“Who ordered these?” he asks, pointing to the bottles.

Sunoo raises his hand from across the table. “Me.”

“Do we think that’s wise?”

“Well,” Sunoo starts, trying to be diplomatic. “We don’t have to do anything tomorrow morning.”

Jungwon wants to just agree. He really wants to, but he still feels like he’s in work mode. “We have things to do in the afternoon.”

“So we can sleep in.”

Jungwon looks at Sunoo, then at the rest of them. He knows that they’ll drink either way, because the bottles are here and they’re all friends when they’re not working. There’s no hierarchy except for age, and it’s frustrating because he’s the second youngest.

He just finds it a little hard to separate his normal self from his work self sometimes.

Jay seems to notice his struggle because he gently knocks their knees together under the table, then keeps their thighs pressed together.

It works. Jungwon sighs, then smiles. “Okay. Yeah, you’re right. We can sleep in.”

The others cheer and start handing the bottles around. Sunghoon complains that the meat is going to get cold so they hurry it up to start eating.

Jungwon relaxes into conversation easily as he eats, laughing and talking along with everyone else. It helps that Jay stays against him, his warmth bleeding into Jungwon through the small contact they have under the table.

Jungwon watches as Jay puts meat in for Niki and Sunoo, forehead creased in concentration as he distributes it evenly.

“Thanks,” Sunoo says cheerfully, picking up a piece to blow on. It accidentally drops from his chopsticks, splashing into his glass of soju.

Jungwon laughs at the sight of Sunoo’s annoyed face.

“Ah, that’s perfect,” Sunghoon chuckles, slapping him on the back a little too hard. Sunoo glares at him as he’s jostled in his seat. “Meat flavoured soju. Try it.”

“Why don’t you try it?” Jay says to Sunghoon, a teasing smile on his face.

They all turn to look at him expectantly. Sunghoon tries to laugh it off and shake his head, but Niki is next to him and he refuses to let it go. Eventually, he’s forced to take the glass off Sunoo.

“I don’t see how grape soju and meat would go together,” he starts, hesitantly looking at the floating piece of meat in the liquid. He swirls it around to kill the time as they start chanting and bashing their fists against the table.

Sunoo scoffs. “You were literally the one who was all like, ‘oh, meat flavoured soju, mm!’,” he mocks, lowering his voice to impersonate him. “So drink it and tell us how good it really is.”

“I only did that to tease you.”

“You’re always teasing me and it’s not funny.”

“Nah, it’s really funny,” Niki pipes in, glancing over at him. “I think you’re the only one who doesn’t find it funny.”

That gets Jake to laugh and shake his head, briefly stopping his chanting so he can speak. “Sunoo-ah does secretly find it funny.”

“I do not!”

“He said it to me once,” Jay adds as he puts some more food onto Jungwon’s plate, a little more than he did for the others. “To me and Jungwonnie when we were drinking together. He said he secretly likes it.”

“Well…” Jungwon starts, thinking back to that day. The three of them had been chatting after a few drinks when Sunoo suddenly got all mushy, throwing out words of appreciation for the group. “Technically he said that he doesn’t mind it when we all tease him, because it makes him feel loved. Or something like that.”

The rest of them look over at Sunoo and give a joint aww as he rolls his eyes. Jake ruffles his hair and Sunghoon jabs him in the chest with his elbow which says more than it seems, because Jungwon knows that Sunghoon isn’t sure how to show affection without making it playful.

“I think I’ll drink to that,” Sunghoon says, raising the glass. “To making fun of Sunoo.”

“Yeah, yeah. Drink away,” he mutters, although he’s smiling.

When Sunghoon finally downs the glass along with the piece of meat that has been marinating inside it, he chokes. Heeseung’s eyes widen and he pats him on the back pretty hard as Niki slaps him on the stomach— which doesn’t help at all— but eventually he manages to take in a breath.

“I think I swallowed the meat whole,” he wheezes, rubbing his chest.

Jay leans forward. “What was the flavour profile like?”

Sunghoon thinks for a moment, swirling his tongue along the inside of his mouth. They all watch him quietly. “Surprisingly good. Like… I dunno.” He makes a strange gesture with his hand. “The flavour of the meat marinade balanced out the sharpness of the grape soju, so it was a little salty.”

“Salty and creamy?” Niki asks.

“Not quite.”

They all laugh it off and go back to eating eventually, plates getting cold in front of them. Jungwon eats the meat that Jay had given him and then eyes the rice on the other end as Niki spins some story.

“Hyung,” Jungwon murmurs, tapping Jay on the leg.

Jay turns to him, lowering his head slightly so he can hear him over the sounds of the others. “Mm?”

“Can you pass me that bowl?” he asks, pointing to it. As Jay had gotten closer he got a whiff of his cologne— something deep and expensive and woody. Jungwon doesn’t know why it makes something in his stomach twist. “Please.”

Jay reaches over and grabs it with the help of Heeseung, then hands it over to Jungwon. He puts it in for him wordlessly without him having to ask.

It just feels so natural that Jungwon doesn’t think that it’s weird. Jay doing things for him so that he doesn’t have to lift a finger. Because Jay does things for all of them, and they all appreciate him.

“Hey, can I have some?” Jake asks, making grabby hands across the table and pointing to his plate. “Pretty please.”

Jay just slides the bowl over to him, to which Jake sticks his tongue out.

“I think I hurt my foot during practice,” Sunoo is saying when Jungwon zones back into the general conversation. “It twisted at an awkward angle.”

Jungwon sticks his bottom lip out slightly. “Does it hurt to walk?”

“Kinda.”

“You should tell one of the staff tomorrow so you can get it checked out.”

“If he’s not too hungover,” Niki adds, before taking a sip of his drink.

Sunoo waves his hand in his direction as he pushes his empty plate forwards on the table. “I’m not even going to drink that much. None of us are.”

“Sure.”

They get home about an hour later, because the restaurant had told them that they couldn’t drink any more.

Jungwon watches as Sunoo stumbles through the front door, because he had drunk that much. They all did. Jungwon isn’t that steady on his feet himself as he walks next to Jay to get inside, hands bracing himself against the wall.

“Remind me to never do this again,” Sunghoon slurs, steadied by Heeseung’s firm grip. “It’s all his fault.” He points at Sunoo, then lets his arm fall heavily back to his side.

“You have no one to blame but yourself,” Heeseung tells him. He rubs his back as he starts to walk him through the dorm. “Night, guys.”

Everyone says goodnight. Sunoo heads off in a different direction, muttering something unintelligible under his breath, and Niki goes off to the living room with Jake. It leaves Jungwon alone with Jay in the middle of the hallway.

Jay hasn’t said much since they started drinking. He’s been pretty quiet. Jungwon has noticed that he gets like that when he drinks sometimes, with some undistinguishable look in his eye as he stares off across the room.

Right now, he’s staring at Jungwon.

“What?” Jungwon smiles, because he finds everything funny when he’s tipsy. And when it’s Jay.

Jay shrugs bonelessly. “Nothing.”

Opening his mouth to speak and prod at him more, all that comes out of Jungwon’s mouth is a hiccup. He scrunches up his nose in annoyance. “I hate having the hiccups.”

The corners of Jay’s lips twitch up. “It’s cute.”

“So you do think I’m cute?”

“Again, everyone thinks you’re cute.” Jay repeats his words from earlier, although now his face is a little more flushed and his eyes are slightly glazed. “And I’m everyone.”

Jungwon laughs, all teeth on display. Jay keeps staring. “You’re everyone?”

“No, I… I mean, I’m part of everyone. Yeah…” he corrects, pressing a hand to his forehead. “Like I said before. I said that before, didn’t I?”

He nods. “You did.”

“God, I think I’m drunk.” Jay rubs his eyes as he laughs breathlessly. When he moves his hands away from his face again, he blinks a few times at Jungwon. “You’re not real.”

It gets Jungwon a little confused, but the alcohol in his body helps him to not question things. So he just leans against the wall, smiling at how endearing Jay looks. “I think I’m real, hyung.”

Jay blinks a few more times, then shakes his head, but he doesn’t respond.

“I had fun at dinner,” Jungwon says after a beat of silence. “I’m glad we all did it… and I’m glad we drank. And I think I should relax more these days.”

Jay smiles at him, a small, muted smile. “I think you should relax more too, Won-ah. You deserve it.”

“I don’t think I do, lately.”

Because usually, Jungwon would say that he’s the type to know how to relax. As much as he’s a workaholic and a perfectionist, he feels like he can take it easy when he’s proud of himself and when he thinks that he deserves to be nice to himself. However, he’s been feeling strangely off-kilter these days. Like he hasn’t been doing as good as he wishes he was.

The alcohol has lowered his inhibitions enough for him to speak. Not in the way he usually speaks, where he skates around questions and doesn’t address things directly, but properly speak the thoughts that are in his heart.

Jungwon has never known what it’s like to be an open book. Words get stuck and never leave the pages.

But Jay’s eyebrows draw together slightly. “Why would you not?”

“Because,” he starts, then hesitates as he realises that there’s so much he wants to say. Despite the numbing effects of the alcohol, it hits him with full force, like when the water of the shower suddenly becomes freezing. “Because.”

Jay is nothing but patient. “Tell hyung what’s wrong.”

So Jungwon opens his mouth to tell him the truth. To say ‘I don’t feel like I’ll be good enough no matter what I do, and every time I do something that’s not perfect I feel like I’m not a person’, but nothing comes out.

Ah. He’s not drunk enough to say that.

“Jungwon?” Jay prompts, tapping him with his foot. He looks concerned, with a small crease in his forehead. “Won-ah, you’re worrying me.”

It’s funny, because no matter how intense the thoughts inside of him are, they seem to shift into something different whenever Jay looks at him. Jungwon doesn’t understand what this feeling that is blooming inside of him is right now, as he looks at Jay in the dim lighting of the hall.

‘I want you to only do things for me’, the little voice in his head suddenly says. ‘I don’t want you to be so nice to everyone, because I want to be the only special thing to you. Because you make me feel like a person.’

The thoughts come out of nowhere, and Jungwon doesn’t think he should say any of them. So instead he blurts out: “I feel sick.”

Jay seems like he sobers up pretty quickly then. He pulls back slightly, enough to take a good look at Jungwon’s face. He must decide that it’s serious because he gently pulls on Jungwon’s arm to tug him towards the bathroom.

In his defense, he does actually feel sick. From both the alcohol and something else that he does not want to think about.

As soon as they get to the bathroom, Jungwon throws up into the toilet bowl.

“Fuck,” Jay mutters, coming to kneel next to him. He rubs his back with one hand, pulling Jungwon’s hair out of his face with the other. “Come on, let it all out. You’re okay.”

Jungwon wretches and gags. He doesn’t have it in himself to feel embarrassed at the fact that Jay is seeing him like this, because he has vomited in front of Jay before; when he was a little younger and less sure of himself, and the weight of the world he was carrying got too heavy.

And just like that time, Jay’s hands are soothing on his back. His voice is reassuring in his ears, and his familiar scent somehow permeates everything else, filling Jungwon’s senses like a warm blanket.

Jay sits him on the closed toilet seat after flushing, grabbing a damp tissue to clean his face. He wipes around his mouth and then gets another, holding it up to his nose. “Blow,” he instructs.

He doesn't seem to find it gross. Jungwon wonders why he doesn’t find it gross, in the back of his hazy mind, as he blows his nose into the tissue.

“Let’s get you to bed.”

He doesn’t protest as Jay takes him to his bedroom. He lets Jay put him into bed and then watches him disappear back into the hallway, only to return a few moments later with a glass of water.

Jungwon glugs it down his parched throat and then hands it back to him, collapsing against the pillows.

“Sleep,” Jay tells him. His voice is calm, but there’s an underlying hint of worry in it. “You’ll feel much better tomorrow, okay?”

Jungwon holds onto his sleeve. “Promise?”

“I promise.” Stroking his forehead, Jay smiles down at him softly. “Go to sleep, Jungwon.”

There’s not much more he can say to that.

Jungwon closes his eyes and passes out with his head spinning and his senses dulled. He feels the soft brush of something against the top of his head before all warmth is gone. He falls into darkness.

That night he dreams of grape soju, barbeque meat, and a dim hallway with no end.

ᓚᘏᗢ

He doesn’t remember many of his thoughts from last night.

Jungwon sits in the kitchen with Heeseung as he nurses a mug of coffee. His headache isn’t entirely too bad, mainly because Jay had made him drink water before he slept, so he’s eternally grateful for him.

Speaking of Jay, he is still not awake. Neither are the others except for Heeseung, who hadn’t drank that much anyway.

“Plans for today?” Heeseung asks him.

Jungwon has been staring down into his reflection in the coffee for the past five minutes as if it will tell him what had happened last night. But it doesn’t, so he looks up. “I’m going to go to the company.”

“We don’t have to be there until later.”

“I know,” Jungwon says, pressing his palms further against the mug. “But I don’t have anything else to do, and I think everyone is gonna be sleeping until the afternoon.”

Heeseung laughs, filling up a mug of his own with orange juice before taking a big sip. He licks his lips, then puts it down on the table. “Yeah, you’re probably right. I don’t know, I think I’ll wait for Sunghoon to wake up and then kill time with him.”

“You could join me?”

Heeseung thinks about it. “I’d rather not spend my free time at the company,” he eventually says, touching Jungwon on the arm. “But thank you for the offer.”

Jungwon smiles at him before blowing on his coffee. He brings it up to his lips and drinks it, ignoring the subtle burn.

The door creaks open and Niki comes in with a yawn and a stretch. “Good morning,” he greets them both, sauntering over to the fridge to pull it open. His hair is sticking up in all different directions. Jungwon can’t help but giggle quietly.

“It’s almost noon,” Heeseung responds. “I wouldn’t say morning.”

“Well… good noon,” Niki corrects.

Jungwon puts his mug down and grins. “I think it’s good afternoon.” He drums his fingers against the table, leaning back against his stool. “But good noon kinda sounds better.”

Niki grabs some soda out of the fridge. “Right?”

“Is anyone else up?” Heeseung asks, leaning back against the counter as he watches Niki move around the kitchen, trying to prepare breakfast for himself one-handedly.

He shakes his head. “I think I heard Sunghoon hyung snoring.”

Heeseung rolls his eyes, shaking his head as he places his glass in the sink, moving towards the door. “I’ll see you both later. I’m gonna go wake him up.”

Jungwon and Niki both say goodbye to him, watching him go.

Swinging his legs off the stool, Jungwon leans his elbows on the table. “Do you want to come to the company with me?”

Niki looks at him like he’s speaking gibberish. “No offense, hyung, but we’re hungover. You’re just a workaholic.”

Jungwon pouts. “We can go and practice?” He’s aware of how desperate he sounds, but he just really wants someone to join him. “Or are you going to do something else?”

Niki finally finishes putting his sandwich together. He perches himself on one of the stools and takes a bite, crumbs cascading all over the table. “I was going to lie on the couch and go on my phone,” he tells him around a mouthful, brushing away the crumbs. “Which is very important.”

Jungwon sighs and takes that as a no. “Okay. Well, I’ll be there if anyone wants to come in a bit.” He hops off his stool so he can rinse his mug along with Heeseung’s glass.

Niki gives him a thumbs up.

After taking a shower and getting dressed, Jungwon grabs his bag and his phone and heads out.

The sun is bright in the midday sky as he walks. He’s thankful that there’s a slight breeze to take away from the heat, because the last thing he’d want is to be sweating before he even reaches the practice room.

When he gets there he finds an empty one, greeting some of the staff on his way up, then slings his bag into the corner of the room.

Jungwon stands in front of the mirror.

He stares at his reflection.

Obviously, he doesn’t look any different to how he normally looks. Jungwon adjusts his hair, smoothing it down from the top before trying to fluff it up again, yet it won’t fall the way he likes.

It frustrates him. He combs his fingers through the top and then winces as they get caught on a tangle, tugging at his scalp. He rubs his head and sighs.

He sets up his phone to the side and then plays the track, getting into position.

There’s something tingling in his gut as he moves through the steps, mapping them out in his head. He hates that he can’t remember what he said to Jay last night in the hall, and Jay isn’t even awake for him to be able to ask what it was.

Jungwon’s sneakers scuff against the ground, which creates a painful squeaking noise. He winces.

There’s a little ache in his bones from the mild hangover that he has, but he’s glad his head is fine now. He needs it to be clear today for right now and also for later on when they have proper dance practice, because he can’t afford to make any mistakes.

He keeps going over the choreo for about thirty minutes until his heart is thumping in his chest and the ache in his bones grows worse. But the hangover makes him sweat more than usual. He stops for a moment to catch his breath.

There’s a knock on the door before it swings open to reveal someone.

He looks at Jay through the mirror.

Jungwon stands up straighter, but he doesn’t turn around.

Jay spots him and smiles at him, coming up behind him. “Hey, you.”

“Hi.” Jungwon wipes the sweat off his forehead and smiles back. Still breathless, but feeling a lot better than before, he finally turns to face him. “How did you know I was here?”

“Niki told me,” Jay explains, moving to the side so he can dump his own bag next to Jungwon’s. He projects his voice a little louder. “He said you were alone, so I thought I’d keep you company. And see how crazy you are.”

Jungwon’s smile grows wider. “Then you’re crazy for joining me,”

“Perhaps.” Jay walks back over, coming to a stop in front of him. He looks at Jungwon’s hair, reaching up to fix it in the way that he couldn’t earlier. “There we go.”

Turning to look in the mirror, Jungwon sees that it’s a lot better than before. He glances at Jay. “Thank you,” he says, really meaning it, because Jay always seems to notice little things like that. “You didn’t have to come if you were tired.”

Jay shrugs, turning away so he can stretch. “Everyone’s awake and kinda doing their own thing now. I didn’t have anything else to do.”

Right. He just came because he was bored. “What are they doing?”

“Mm… Sunoo’s having a shower— well, I think it’s him because of the music playing,” Jay recounts. “Sunghoon is being forced to play with Heeseung even though he’s barely conscious, and Jake is… I don’t know. He’s Jaking around,” he finishes. “Oh, Niki was lying on the couch fast asleep, but he woke up to tell me where you were.”

Jungwon snorts. “He told me he was going to go on his phone. He said it was important.”

“Clearly not,” Jay muses. “But now I’m here, so.”

“So,” Jungwon repeats, idly standing there. “Um… I have a question.”

Jay tilts his head. “What’s up?”

“Did I say anything embarrassing last night?”

“Ah,” Jay hums, stretching his arms before shaking them out. He pauses, looking at Jungwon’s reflection in the mirror, and their eyes meet. “No. You didn’t say anything, really.”

Jungwon can’t help but feel relieved. “I didn’t?”

“You just said that you don’t feel like you deserve to relax these days, and then you stopped answering me, and then you vomited into the toilet,” Jay tells him, which he didn’t have to, because Jungwon did remember the vomiting part. “Which wasn’t embarrassing. So no.”

His cheeks heat up as he looks away, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “I’m glad.”

Jay nods even though Jungwon isn’t watching. He goes back to his stretching, and a brief silence passes over them. Eventually, he speaks again. “Do you want to tell me what that was about?”

“The vomiting?”

“The whole not thinking you deserve to relax lately part,” Jay clarifies, like he knows that Jungwon is aware of what he meant. “If you want to. No pressure.”

Jungwon hesitates. He walks around the room under the guise of cooling off, ignoring the way that Jay’s eyes follow him through the mirror. He doesn’t know what to say because he doesn’t even remember what he was thinking at that time. “I kinda forgot..”

“Okay,” Jay replies easily. “Maybe if you ever remember and you want to tell someone.”

Jungwon nods, but he doesn’t think he will.

The music starts up again when Jungwon walks over to his phone, turning it on. He sits to the side and watches Jay go through the steps himself.

He’s always loved the way Jay dances. His movements are powerful and clear, but in a slightly different way to the way that Jungwon dances himself. He appreciates that difference, just like he appreciates all the other little differences that they have.

“You missed a step,” Jungwon calls out to him. He rewinds the music by a small amount so that Jay can do it again.

Jungwon’s eyes flick up every once in a while to watch Jay push his hair out of his face, only for it to fall artfully back against his forehead. It’s unstyled— soft, with a natural slight wave to it from the humidity.

“Hyung,” Jungwon calls out again when Jay is mid-movement. “Your hair looks nice like this. You should do it more often.”

Jay’s eyes flick over to him. “Ah, really?”

“Yes, really,” he says. Jay is so predictable, Jungwon thinks. He always answers a compliment with those exact words when he’s trying to be casual about it, even though he’s happy inside. “It looks good.”

Jungwon catches the small falter in his steps, but Jay just plays it off as if he meant to do that. He stops dancing and stands still, scratching his shoulder.

“You’re allowed to take the compliment.”

“I have taken it,” Jay claims. “Thank you.”

Jungwon thinks he’s silly. “Mhm.”

Jay walks over and grabs his water from his bag to unscrew the cap. He pours it into his mouth, then hands it over to Jungwon who does the same even though he has his own bottle. He can’t be bothered to get it out.

Sitting down next to him, Jay leans back against the wall and sighs. He stretches his legs out in front of him. “It’s hard dancing when you’re hungover.”

Jungwon feels sympathetic. “Is the hangover bad?”

“Not entirely. I feel a little sick and my head kinda throbs, but…” He trails off, then shakes his head with a smile. “Yeah, it’s kinda bad.”

Jungwon knocks their feet together. “Then you should’ve stayed home,” he says half-heartedly, because he’s glad that Jay came. “You should rest.”

Brushing his foot back against Jungwon’s, Jay places his hand down onto the floor next to his. “I wanted to see if you were okay.”

Jungwon looks down at the way their hands are so close but not touching. There’s probably only a few centimeters in it. “I’m okay.”

“Then I’m glad,” he says. And Jungwon isn’t sure if he’s just imagining it, but Jay’s pinky shifts a little closer. “And… Please stay home the next time we have a morning off. I think you deserve to sleep a little longer.”

The words hang in the air between them. Jungwon feels oddly like something has been lifted off his shoulders as he shifts his own pinky a little closer to Jay’s, finally touching them together.

Jungwon keeps looking at their hands even though he can see Jay staring at his face out of the corner of his eye.

“Okay,” he quietly agrees. “I will.”

And if Jay watches him for a few more lingering seconds before finally glancing down, neither of them speak about it.

ᓚᘏᗢ

“I think I can feel my heartbeat in my ass,” Niki complains.

The two of them have just finished filming a dance video together. They had to redo it about a hundred times because it wasn’t turning out the way either of them wanted, but eventually the staff member had just told them that she was going to upload it. Jungwon could tell her patience had run out.

So now they walk through the hallways, trying to regain their breath.

“I might die,” Jungwon joins in, cracking his back. “Do you think I’m going to die?”

Niki laughs, then wheezes. “I think I’ll be joining you.”

The weather has been getting even hotter as summer creeps on, and it’s getting even closer to their new album release date. It both excites and scares him as it always does.

“I think I’m gonna grab a coffee,” Niki says, getting his mask out of his sweatpants pocket. “Do you wanna come with me?”

Jungwon nods excitedly. The energy returns back to his body.

The two of them go to a local, quiet place that they all go to sometimes. Due to the time of day, it isn’t entirely too busy as they walk inside, so they grab a table right after ordering the usual, sitting down at the back of the cafe.

Niki gets out his phone and scrolls through it, leaning back in his chair. Jungwon does the same as they wait for their drinks.

He sees a few messages on the group chat. Nothing exciting, really. Jake responded unenthusiastically to an unfunny meme that Jay had sent, and then reacted to the silly photo of Jay that Jungwon had sent previously.

Jungwon smiles to himself as he looks at it again.

Niki looks up at him and narrows his eyes. “What’s funny, hyung?”

He turns his phone around to show him.

Niki bursts into laughter, attracting the attention of a few other customers. He presses a hand to his mouth. “He looks so stupid.”

“Right?” Jungwon asks. The smile is evident in his voice. “I accidentally walked in when he was shaving his face.”

He looks back at it, eyes lingering a little too long. He clicks off the group chat and goes to Jay’s new message. It’s nothing major, just a link to a YouTube short about god knows what. Jungwon clicks on it and idly watches the video about different mold species.

He exits the video and types out a response.

Jungwon: very informative…

Their drinks come right after he hits send. They both thank the waiter and Jungwon puts his phone on the table as he grabs his coffee, taking a few sips. It’s a little hot and it scalds his tongue, so he makes a panicked sound.

Niki uses his hand to fan his mouth. “You’re gonna burn all your tastebuds off at this rate.”

“I think I already have,” Jungwon says. He sinks in his seat. He doesn’t learn because he does it again, this time keeping his mouth open to let the coffee cool before properly swallowing.

Niki watches him in amusement. “Are you really that thirsty?”

Jungwon puts the coffee down finally, wrapping his hands around it. “Just tired. I have to go back to the company later so I need all the energy I can get.” He blows on the top of it.

His phone buzzes at that moment. Jungwon takes one hand off his coffee to pull it closer, and he looks at the message.

Jay: What are you doing?

“Is that Jay hyung?” Niki asks without looking at the screen.

“Yeah.”

Niki nods, taking a sip off his own drink. Something iced that doesn’t burn his tongue.

Jungwon turns back to his phone.

Jungwon: me and niki are getting coffee

Jungwon: you?

Jay sends a picture of himself in response. Even though it’s just the top of his face, Jungwon can tell that he’s at the dorm in the living room. He has an apple balanced on his head that is half-eaten, looking like it’s about to fall, and his eyebrows are slightly raised.

Jungwon saves the picture and puts his phone away.

“Did he say something funny?” Niki suddenly asks, raising an eyebrow. “He isn’t that funny.”

First of all, Jungwon knows that Niki is lying. They all find Jay hilarious, him included, and second of all, Jungwon isn’t sure why he thought Jay said something funny. “Why?”

“You’re smiling.”

“Oh,” he says dumbly, tapping his fingers against the table. “He sent a picture.”

Niki looks at him expectantly, so Jungwon unlocks his phone and slides his phone across the table. He holds his breath, for some reason, as Niki looks at it.

But Niki just snorts. “He’s always like this with you.”

“Like what?”

“Acting stupid to entertain you. Playing along with you,” he explains, gesturing his hand in the air. He looks at Jungwon as if it’s obvious. “You can’t seriously say that you don’t realise.”

Jungwon shrugs, playing with the label on his drink. He peels it off, then sticks it back on. “Jay hyung is good at playing along with everyone.”

“He treats you better.”

“He doesn’t,” Jungwon insists. “Or… Well…”

Niki watches him struggle patiently, slurping his coffee.

“I don’t think he does,” Jungwon says, playing it off with a laugh. He peels the label off a bit too hard this time and the corner of it rips. He balls it up between his fingers and discards it on the table. “Why would he? Ah… you’re making me overthink.”

Niki shrugs. He continues drinking, leaning back in his seat as he taps his foot against the floor. When he puts his coffee down there’s a line of milk across his upper lip. “I’m just saying.”

The conversation sort of ends there.

Jungwon switches it to something else, about their new choreo and one of the songs he isn’t the biggest fan of. He focuses all his attention on what Niki is saying and not the odd feeling in his chest.

By the time they finish their drinks, the caffeine has given Jungwon a bit more life to him. He says goodbye to Niki and then walks back to the company, which isn’t that far considering they were only two blocks away.

Jungwon shakes his head to ruffle his hair as it has gone a little flat.

He doesn’t think about what Niki had said.

By the time he’s finally done with work, it’s dark outside.

He had a meeting with some of the staff about upcoming promotions and schedules, which had dragged on for way longer than it should’ve. Jungwon is so glad he had that coffee, because he doesn’t know if he would’ve been able to sit through that without it.

As he drags his feet back into the dorm and shuts the door behind him, he feels like he’s a second from passing out.

Jake is passing through the hallway and spots him. “Hey, Jungwon.”

“Hi.” He takes his shoes off and walks closer with a smile. “I haven’t seen you all day, hyung. How are you?”

Jake had been carrying two bowls in his hands towards the kitchen, so Jungwon follows him in and stands to the side as he starts to wash them.

“I’m good, yeah. I kinda just spend all day eating mangoes because I don’t want them to go out of date. But now my stomach hurts.”

Jungwon grins. “I could’ve helped you out.”

“You were gone all day,” Jake complains light-heartedly, turning off the tap. “I still have a few left, so maybe tomorrow you can finish them off for me.”

“Did Jay hyung not want some? He was home, wasn’t he?”

“I dunno, I didn’t ask if he wanted any,” he says, pursing his lips. “Good idea, though. I’ll ask later.”

“Do you know where he is?”

“Living room.”

Jungwon says a quick goodbye before going off to the living room. He pokes his head around the corner and spots Jay on the couch, lying on his back with his phone in front of his face.

When he sees Jungwon standing there he sits up and smiles whilst patting the space next to him.

“Hi,” Jungwon greets, sitting beside him with a groan. His back is killing him.

Jay looks concerned, rubbing up and down his spine. “Long day?”

“Mhm.”

“Lie down,” he instructs, gently pulling Jungwon down to rest his head on his lap. He brushes some of his hair away from his face. “How was the meeting?”

Jungwon closes his eyes and relaxes into the touch. “It ran over, but everything’s sorted now. I’m just tired,” he mumbles, enjoying the feeling of Jay’s fingers against his forehead.

“You work too hard.”

“No choice,” Jungwon responds. “I missed you.”

The words sort of escape from his lips without his permission. He feels Jay’s fingers hesitate against his hair. “You did?”

“No.”

“Mm,” he pokes his forehead. “Then I didn’t miss you too.”

Jungwon’s heart stutters, but he doesn’t show it on his face. He keeps his eyes shut and his expression neutral, too afraid to look up at Jay.

Afraid? Why is he afraid?

Jay just holds him silently, not moving his legs to disturb him. His touch is so feather-light and careful that it’s barely there. As if Jay knows how delicate he is on the inside, despite how he seems on the outside.

Jungwon has long accepted that Jay knows certain things about him that he doesn’t speak aloud.

There’s suddenly a warm touch on the bridge of his nose that trails sideways to his cheek. Jungwon’s eyes flutter open and he looks up at Jay, not speaking.

His fingers caress his cheek, thumb rubbing over the smooth skin. Jay’s gaze is fixed on a certain point of his face, not quite at his eyes but not at the place he’s touching either.

But when Jungwon properly looks at Jay’s own face, he slightly frowns. “Hyung, you look tired.”

Jay wets his lips at swallows. “I need to stop going to bed so late.”

That catches Jungwon’s attention. “Why don’t you sleep earlier?”

Jay keeps softly rubbing at Jungwon’s cheek, speaking in a low voice. “I guess I always have some things on my mind.”

“Things.” Jungwon watches his face carefully as if he can find the answers in the faint bags under Jay’s eyes. “What things?”

“Just… things,” Jay replies. He glances into Jungwon’s eyes finally, and there are quite a few indecipherable emotions swirling in his irises. “Stuff.”

Stuff. “Why do you never tell me what’s bothering you?”

Because Jay doesn’t. Jungwon knows that he doesn’t, and it frustrates him as much as he gets it, because he doesn’t tell Jay all the things on his mind either. He doesn’t feel like he has to tell him about his inner problems in order for Jay to make him feel better.

Jay is one of those people he only has to be around to receive his warmth. Jungwon will go to Jake and vaguely talk to him about what’s on his mind to get some reasonable advice, but when it comes to Jay, it’s more of an emotional thing.

So he doesn’t talk in that way with him. He will sit or exist next to him, in his presence, in the warmth that rolls off him in waves, as if he’s the sun and Jungwon is just something living that needs him in order to survive.

Jungwon looks at Jay expectantly.

He doesn’t know why Jay doesn’t talk to him, though. Why Jay would rather go to one of the others to offload his problems instead of doing it to Jungwon.

So he waits for his response.

It comes a few beats later. “I just don’t.”

“Don’t like to tell me about what’s bothering you?”

“Yes,” Jay says. “In general I just… I don’t like to say burdensome things to you, Jungwon. You have enough on your own shoulders, I don’t think you deserve me adding to that. I want you to be happy and healthy.”

Of course Jay’s answer is something so selfless.

But Jay continues. “It’s also that… I can’t say some things to you.”

That confuses him. “What can’t you say to me?”

“Certain things that are on my mind,” he responds. He starts avoiding his eyes again, looking away. “I don’t think I could say them to anyone.”

Jungwon’s chest aches. “That isn’t healthy, hyung.”

He wants to know what Jay is thinking about, but he doesn’t think he should push or pry. He respects Jay enough to not pry, but he cares about him too much to completely let it go.

So he continues. “If you won’t talk to me about it, will you talk to someone else?”

Jay smiles. It’s more of a resigned smile than anything else. “It’s something I’m going to have to deal with myself.”

Jungwon stares at him. He stares at the slight bags under Jay’s eyes, and the set line of his mouth. There’s an underlying tension in his body that Jungwon hadn’t noticed before, because it’s not noticeable unless he really looks.

He regrets not looking sooner.

But Jungwon has never been good at talking about feelings. So he lightly taps Jay on the arm, letting it linger for a few seconds longer than it should. “How can hyung be upset when he’s so handsome?”

It works, because Jay lets out a soft, amused laugh. “Buttering me up.”

“Mm… you’re right,” he taunts, pretending to be serious. It’s obviously a lie. He hopes that Jay knows that, because he won’t say it directly. “You’re not that handsome.”

Jay just smiles at him, all soft and warm in the way that he always is, and there’s still a hint of something distant in his eyes as he looks down at Jungwon, but neither of them speak about it. “Is that right?”

Jungwon nods, pretending to be unbothered. Except he’s grinning now, all teeth and dimples. “Yes.”

Jay pokes his dimple. Jungwon preens at the gesture.

He feels hot all over, but he can’t dim his smile. It’s not like Jay has never touched him like this. He used to do it all the time after debut, when they were young and awkward and didn’t know what to do with themselves. When Jungwon was his lifeline and having him close would comfort him.

These days, however, it’s different. Like a specific uncertainty has embedded itself into Jay’s touches.

Jungwon doesn’t think about why too much.

“You should sleep early tonight,” Jungwon tells him after a few seconds. He holds onto Jay’s wrist, holding it to his chest.

Jay flattens his palm over Jungwon’s shirt, feeling his heartbeat. “I’m afraid my sleep schedule is too fucked-up for that, Won-ah.”

“Then we’ll fix it,” he says firmly, almost switching into leader-mode. He decides to be pragmatic about it because being logical is easier than being emotional. “Switch off your phone and don’t go on it an hour before bed, and then just sleep early. You’ll become too tired to stay awake thinking eventually.”

“You sound like a doctor.”

“Then I’m your doctor now.”

“You’re cute,” Jay corrects, voice softening impossibly. “Okay, I’ll do that. Thank you.”

Jungwon feels a little triumphant inside that he’s helped. He relaxes back against Jay’s lap, shutting his eyes again, then blindly reaches for Jay’s hand and manoeuvres it to his hair, placing it directly onto his head.

Jay gets the message. He starts lightly scratching at his scalp, carding his fingers through his hair. “Little cat.”

It’s always embarrassing when they all insist on calling him a cat, even when they’re not filming content. Jungwon huffs. “I’m not actually a cat, hyung. Only the fans think I am.”

“Don’t say that around Sunghoon,” Jay warns, playing with a few strands of his hair. “Accept your fate. You’re a cat. You hiss when you’re angry.”

“That was one time.”

“Still.”

Jungwon doesn’t argue back. He pretends that it’s because he’s tired and Jay’s lap is warm. The hand in his hair is lulling him to sleep, but he doesn’t want to fall asleep. He needs to make sure Jay gets into bed first.

But Jay is playing with his hair and scratching behind his ears so perfectly.

He’s asleep before he knows it.

When Jungwon wakes up hours later, the room is dark.

His eyes sting as he opens them, and he brings up a hand to rub at them. There’s a faint light coming from the television that hasn’t been switched off, acting as the only source of light in the dorm.

There’s still a warmth on top of his head. Jungwon touches it until he feels someone’s hand, then looks up to see Jay’s sleeping face.

His head is tilted against the back of the couch, chest rising and falling evenly as he sleeps, and Jungwon stares for a few seconds.

He fell asleep on Jay’s lap. Jay hadn’t moved.

Guilt settles in Jungwon’s stomach along with something else he can’t pinpoint. Jungwon sits up slowly, careful not to wake him up. Jay’s neck is bent at an awkward angle which must be so uncomfortable, meaning that he’s probably going to wake up stiff and in pain tomorrow morning, which makes Jungwon feel uneasy.

He manages to move Jay so that he’s lying down on the couch. He must be in a pretty deep sleep because he doesn’t even stir, not even when Jungwon finds a blanket and spreads it over his body, propping a small cushion under his head.

He hovers next to him.

Jay looks peaceful when he’s asleep. His face is relaxed, with no crease between his eyebrows or tension in his jaw. Just unguarded.

Jungwon brings up a hand, hovering it over Jay’s face. He moves it back just as quickly.

What is he doing?

“Sleep well, hyung,” he whispers, then takes a mental image.

With that, he leaves.

Neither of them speak about it the next day.

ᓚᘏᗢ

Comeback season starts in full swing.

With the release of their album comes music shows, promotions and interviews. Jungwon throws himself into it with full force just like he always does, because it’s where he thrives. He feels like he always has. The joy of doing what he loves with the people he loves hits him in a way that nothing else does.

They have another music show that goes well. Jungwon buzzes all the way home, the energy still thrumming through his veins as he listens to the excited chatter of everyone in the car with him.

“Did you guys wanna do anything once we get back?” Jake asks, tossing his phone back into his lap. “Because I’m so starving.”

Sunghoon groans. “I’m too tired to go out.”

“We could literally just order in. Y’know, as usual?” Jake says sarcastically, which makes Sunghoon stick his tongue out at him. “Yeah, I’ll text the group. We should all order now so it’s there when we get home.”

Jungwon shakes his head fondly at his antics. “And what if there’s traffic and the poor delivery person has to wait for us?”

“Then I’ll get out of the car and run to them.”

Eventually, everyone responds on the group chat with what they want and Jake quickly orders it all. Jungwon sits back in his seat and watches the street lamps rush past the window as they drive quickly back to the dorm.

Luckily there is no traffic. Both cars get home within twenty minutes and they get out, making their way inside the building and into their air conditioned hallway after getting the food off the delivery driver. Everyone is talking amongst themselves as they head to the kitchen.

Jay grabs plates as Jungwon and Sunoo start setting up the table. All of them eating together is rare, but this is one of those nights where it seems called for, because there’s still a residual energy inside them all and the high from the performance hasn’t worn off yet.

Jungwon takes his seat on one of the chairs once the food is plated up.

“I really want that game,” Jake says between blowing on his food. “The one where you have to be a pigeon.”

Jay snorts. “How stupid.”

“Don’t make fun of Pigeon Simulator,” Jake tells him, wagging his finger. He waits for Sunoo to pass him one of the sauces, holding out his hand over the table whilst making a grabbing motion. “You can’t knock it until you try it.”

“Have you tried it?”

“No,” Jake admits. “But I’ve heard great things.”

Jay raises his eyebrows as he chews, covering his mouth to speak. “You literally just got a new game a few weeks ago. You don’t need another.”

“Exactly,” Sunoo chimes in.

“It’s not like I’m one of those people who just plays video games all day. I don’t see the problem.” Jake finally gets the sauce and pours some on his food, but he does a little too much because it completely coats his plate. He winces.

Niki laughs next to him. “That’s what you get for wanting to be a pigeon.”

“Do you wanna be a pigeon, hyung?” Jungwon asks, smiling with all his teeth. He hands him a few tissues.

Jake seems frustrated as they all start asking him if he wants to be a pigeon. He wipes the sauce off his fingers and then exhales. “I don’t want to be a pigeon. It’s like… when you’re playing— I don’t know, someone give me a game.”

“Tetris,” Heeseung supplies.

“Yes. That’s a terrible example. But when you’re playing Tetris, you don’t want to be a block, do you?” he asks with flourish, trying to prove his point. He chucks the dirty tissue down onto the table. “You don’t wake up and decide that you wanna be a block. Just like I don’t want to be a pigeon. I’m Jake.”

Niki continues to laugh, as do they all. Jungwon smiles to himself as he eats his food.

“Yeah, you’re Jake,” Jay repeats. “Thanks for letting us know. I was just thinking, ‘Who's this strange man in our kitchen?’ so I’m glad you cleared that up.”

“Well you’re an idiot.”

Jay makes a face at him.

The conversation shifts between lots of different things as they eat. Jungwon chimes in occasionally, but most of the time he just eats and laughs at what they’re all saying. His cheeks hurt by the time they’re mostly done.

Sunoo wipes his mouth and checks his reflection in his phone. “My bones seriously feel like they’re about to crumble.”

“From old age.”

“I’m in my twenties,” he scowls at Niki. “You’re not even that far behind me.”

Jungwon feels like his bones are about to crumble into dust too as he stretches out, relishing in the muscle burn from the performance. He yawns, watching as Jay tilts his head back to pour the last bits of soda into his mouth from his can.

Jungwon’s eyes trail over the expanse of his neck, seeing the way that the muscles in his throat move and ripple as he swallows. Jungwon swallows himself. His jaw is extra defined as he drinks and his skin is—

Someone nudges his foot under the table. Jungwon’s eyes snap to see Jake looks at him, wiggling his eyebrows.

“What?” Jungwon asks softly, confused.

Jake makes an overly suspicious movement with his eyes and eyebrows. He subtly jerks his head in Jay’s direction before wriggling his eyebrows again.

Jungwon doesn’t get it. “What?” he repeats.

Jake sighs. “Forget it.”

Looking back at Jay, he finds that he’s finished drinking now and instead fiddles with the empty can of soda. Jungwon stares at his fingers as they play with the rim of the can, calloused pads running along the groove before dipping slightly into the hole at the top as he talks to someone.

For some strange reason, Jungwon’s throat goes dry.

He looks away and drains the rest of his own drink.

“If anyone’s old, it’s Sunghoon hyung,” Niki is saying when Jungwon zones back into the conversation.

Sunghoon looks over at him. “Huh?”

“You have the spirit of an old man trapped inside you.”

“Don’t tease him,” Heeseung says, although he’s smiling. He reaches over and starts to stack the takeout boxes to the side. “The old man’s spirit might come out and haunt you.”

Jay shudders. “Don’t say that.”

“It’s true.”

“Jay hyung’s not going to be able to sleep tonight if you talk about spirits,” Jungwon comments, grinning as he looks at Jay’s face. Everyone turns their attention to him. “He looks like he’ll pass out.”

Admittedly, Jay doesn’t look like he’s about to pass out. Jungwon just likes to tease him anyway.

“Imagine the face of an old man standing at the foot of your bed tonight. And there’s blood pouring out of his eyes,” Heeseung taunts, pulling down on his cheeks to give himself wrinkles. “And he starts—”

“Okay! Enough,” Jay exclaims, covering his ears with his hands.

Heeseung just laughs and continues. “And then he starts biting your ankles with his gummy mouth.”

Jungwon laughs, clapping his hands as he looks at how Jay has his eyes averted and his hands clamped over the sides of his head. His face is just so funny and his expression is endearing and it just fills Jungwon with such joy.

“Enough teasing and start clearing up,” Jay shouts, because his ears are blocked and he doesn’t know how loud he’s being. Again, endearing. “Seriously.”

No one seems like they want to clear up.

“I think Jay hyung should clear up. Otherwise the spirit will get him,” Jungwon decides.

They all, minus Jay, cheer in agreement and start quickly leaving the room, patting Jay on the back enthusiastically.

However, Jungwon lingers near the table as Jay watches them all quickly leave in disbelief.

“Unbelievable,” Jay mutters to himself, shaking his head. He looks over at Jungwon who is the only one still in the room. “I can’t believe you did that to me.”

Jungwon feels guilty, so he gnaws on the inside of his cheek. “I didn’t realise they’d take it seriously…” he says with a small laugh. “I’ll help you, don’t worry.”

Jay sighs in relief, standing up so that he can start to collect the plates. “No, it’s okay. Just sit and keep me company. I’ll wash up.”

So Jungwon sits back down on his chair and starts handing Jay the plates and the empty cartons. He watches as he moves back and forth through the kitchen to throw things away and put dishes in the sink. It’s almost therapeutic, the steady rhythm and the sounds of Jay’s socked feet on the tiled floor.

“There isn’t actually an old man’s spirit in Sunghoon hyung,” Jungwon reassures him. Because as much as Jungwon loves to tease him, he sometimes pushes it too far by mistake. “And tomorrow I’ll tell someone else to do the dishes. You don’t have to do them for another week.”

Jay smiles and glances at him over his shoulder. “You’re being very nice tonight, Wonnie.”

“I feel bad…”

“Don’t,” Jay reassures, grabbing the sponge to start scrubbing at the plates. “I genuinely don’t mind.”

That puts Jungwon’s mind at ease. He lets his eyes linger on Jay’s back and the lines of his arms as he works on cleaning up, muscles moving under the dim kitchen lights. “Do you want me to do anything?”

Jay hums in thought. “Could you just wipe down the table and the countertops?”

Getting up, Jungwon goes and grabs a spare sponge. He takes it back to the table and starts meticulously cleaning it, gathering all the crumbs and wiping it thoroughly. He does the same to the countertops as a brief silence falls over them. Only the running water from the tap and the occasional shout coming from the living room is heard.

“Everyone did so good today,” Jungwon says absently, scrubbing the counter. “I think it went really well.”

He sees Jay nod in agreement out of the corner of his eye. “Yeah, it did. You were brilliant as always.”

Jungwon smiles to himself, turning away so that Jay can’t see his expression. “I wouldn’t say as always. But… thank you.”

Because Jungwon knows that he doesn’t always do as well as he can. At least, that’s what he thinks, and he thinks that he’s right about it. However, today went well. He’s proud of himself, so he feels like he deserves to unwind and relax now.

Jay turns off the tap and dries his hands. “You always do brilliantly.”

“Hyung, you don’t have to say that.” Jungwon turns to him, then walks past to wash his hands once he’s done himself, their shoulders brushing together. “Today was good. That’s all that matters.”

Jay watches him like he’s observing him. He doesn’t say anything for a few seconds.

It weirds Jungwon out. He wipes his hands on the towel and then turns to him. Their faces are closer than he expected.

“Okay,” Jay finally concedes. “Yeah, today was good.”

Jungwon nods. He wets his lips and thinks of something else to say. “I liked your outfit.”

Jay raises his eyebrows. “You did?”

“Yeah.” Jungwon thinks back to the outfit that the stylists had him in; tight shirt that hugged his chest and shoulders with baggy pants slung low to show off a fake boxer waistband. His hair had been down with a slight wave to it, and Jungwon had stared for a little longer than necessary. “All the fans loved it.”

“Ah, really?” Jay rubs the back of his neck, his expression neutral as always. “I thought the pants were stupid.”

Jungwon’s eyebrows furrow a little. “They weren’t stupid. I— everyone loved them. They looked really good, hyung. Everything did.”

He can tell that Jay is getting embarrassed because of the tinge of his ears. Under the kitchen lights he can see them turning red as the blood rushes to his head, and he can’t help but smile at how cute that is.

Jay notices him smiling. “What?”

“Nothing.”

“Something’s funny,” Jay prompts, nudging him with his shoulder. “I wanna know.”

Jungwon brushes him off, but Jay just keeps nudging him. Eventually, he gives in. “You just… your ears went red. But you’re pretending not to care about being complimented.”

Hesitating, Jay touches his ears to hide them. “It’s warm in here.”

“The AC is on.”

“I’m still warm.” Jay takes his hands away from his ears again, and they rest limply at his sides like he doesn’t know what to do with them now. He shifts on the spot. “You’re not one to talk, anyway. You don’t accept my compliments.”

Jungwon scrapes his foot against the tiles. “I only accept them if they’re true.”

“But they’re always true to me,” Jay confesses. “I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true. You always do well, Jungwon-ah. Believe it.”

The atmosphere in the kitchen shifts. Jungwon hates how vulnerable he feels, as if Jay can just peer into his soul so easily and dig out whatever he’s thinking. “Okay.”

“Good.” He reaches out, his hand brushing Jungwon’s elbow. The touch is warm and it stays there as a steady presence. Jay squeezes lightly. “You should always be proud of yourself.”

Jungwon, who had been staring at the floor, finally raises his head to meet his eyes. At the same time, Jay shifts forward and presses his lips to his forehead in a soft kiss.

They both freeze.

Jay’s lips are gone as soon as they came. His hand drops and he steps back quickly, flustered with what he’d done. “Sorry,” he immediately apologises, placing a hand on his head. “I don’t— I have no idea why I… did that…”

Jungwon’s chest thumps loudly. He almost feels like Jay can hear it. “It’s okay.”

Jay chews on his bottom lip. He runs a hand through his hair, putting more of a distance between them.

Jungwon immediately misses his warmth. However, he refuses to think about that and instead tries to lighten the mood again. “We should, uh, probably sleep. It’s been a long day.”

Nodding, Jay wrings his hands together before awkwardly stuffing them into his pockets. “Yeah. Long day.”

“So…” Jungwon takes a step back, feeling the invisible string connecting his and Jay’s hearts tug. “So I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

Jay just watches him go. “Goodnight.”

“Night.”

When Jungwon is out of the kitchen and out of sight in the hallway, he quickly races for his room. He rushes past a confused-looking Sunoo who is heading to the kitchen, ignoring him so he can get into the bedroom and into safety.

He practically slams the door behind him and presses his back to it.

What the hell was that?

Jungwon reaches a hand up to touch his forehead, feeling where Jay’s lips had just been. His head spins with the memory. Not unpleasantly. The opposite.

It’s almost overwhelming. There’s a giddy feeling in his chest that is underlined by a sickening dread, for some reason. Like he knows that something is coming, but he doesn’t know exactly what.

But Jungwon tries to ignore the dread and just focuses on the giddiness of the moment.

Because the dread is just in the background of his mind.

For now.

ᓚᘏᗢ

They arrive at the hotel on the first night of the tour.

It had been agreed beforehand who would room with who— it wasn’t hard to decide as Jungwon’s usual roommate was Jay, so it turned out the same again this time around.

After everyone unpacks and dumps their stuff in their rooms, they meet up in Jake and Niki’s room to do a mandatory group live.

Jungwon currently sits on one of the beds between Sunghoon and Heeseung, laughing at a comment that one of them reads out.

Jungwon scootches forward and peers at the screen over Jay’s shoulder, resisting the urge to rest his chin on him.

“But I actually ripped my pants before I went on stage,” Niki is saying, recounting a story that a fan brought up. He gestures to the right area. “It was, like—”

Heeseung pinches his knee lightly, giving him a signal with his eyes to not talk about something vulgar. “Tell them about your new hair instead.”

So Niki runs his hands through his hair and moves a little closer to the camera. The others part for him and cheer him on.

“It really suits you,” Jake tells him, patting him on the shoulder as Niki sits back down. “Doesn’t he look good with any hair?”

“Do you think he’d look good with no hair?” Sunghoon asks.

Niki makes a face, but then considers it. “Maybe, like… a buzzcut?” he suggests, turning to the mirror in the corner of the room. He pushes his hair away and then faces the others again, before looking at the camera to show the fans. “Ah… I don’t know.”

Jake shakes his head. “You have a very flat skull.”

“How do you know what his skull looks like?” Jay asks, forehead creased in confusion.

“No, he’s right. My head from the back is like a straight line,” Niki says, pressing a hand to it. “I don’t think I should go bald.”

Jungwon reads the comments and giggles. “They don’t want you to go bald, either.”

Sunoo, who had been eating something he’d grabbed from the mini bar, speaks up. “What about my hair? I had it up today, did anyone notice?”

“It doesn’t suit you.” Sunghoon tuts.

Sunoo glares at him. “Yours doesn’t suit you.”

“What’s wrong with my hair?” Sunghoon asks, then stares into the camera to look at his reflection. He gazes at himself blankly for a few seconds, then adjusts some of the strands. “I look great.”

“Everyone looks great,” Jungwon appeases, then re-fixes Sunghoon’s hair for him. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Jay watching them. “I don’t think any of us should go bald. For now.”

Jay turns back to the camera.

As Jay is sitting on the floor in front of the bed, Jungwon prods him gently in the lower back with his foot. He squirms and meets his eyes in the camera.

Jungwon leans forward to read comments again. He wants a way to bring up Jay, but he doesn’t have one as the others are talking about something else right now. Scanning the comments for anything to use, he finds nothing as everyone is mostly just responding to what they’re saying.

So Jungwon decides to make up a comment. He clears his throat and points at the camera. “Someone said Jay is very handsome.” He pretends to read it off the screen, which just causes the others to look over.

Jay smiles at the camera. “Thank you.” He wriggles his eyebrows and smirks. Jungwon makes a face to show that he’s cringing, even though he’s not.

Jake looks over at the comments and scrolls up. “No one said that.”

“No, it’s there,” Jungwon defends, pointing at nothing in particular. His heart beats a little faster. He avoids everyone’s eyes. “Someone said it.”

Niki scoffs. “Why would anyone say that?”

Jay lightly slaps his leg, looking annoyed in a teasing way. “So mean to me.”

Meanwhile, Jungwon just sits back and ignores Jake’s knowing looks. “Jay hyung, go to the camera and show them your face,” he instructs, trying to shift the attention away from the fake comment. “The fans want it,” he adds.

Sighing, Jay stands up. Someone slaps him on the ass as he obeys, walking a little closer before crouching in front of the camera.

Jake grins. “He listens so well to Jungwon, doesn’t he?”

“It’s for the fans,” Jungwon complains, making a face at Jake. “Not me.”

He turns back to Jay, who has just finished showing his face to the world. He comes and sits back on the floor against Jungwon’s legs.

The others are in their own worlds, and the conversation has already shifted away again. However, Jake raises his eyebrows at Jungwon one last time, before turning to listen to whatever Sunoo is saying.

Jungwon plays with the collar of Jay’s shirt just to busy his hands, because he feels a little awkward and strange.

Jay lets him do it.

The live only lasts for five more minutes because Niki complains that he’s hungry, so they say goodnight to everyone and switch it off.

“What are you guys gonna eat?” Jay asks Jake and Niki as he stands up, wincing as his knees click.

Jake waves goodbye to Sunghoon, Sunoo and Heeseung who all leave the room, before turning back to Jay and Jungwon. “I dunno. Probably room service. You’re welcome to join, though.”

Jay scratches the back of his head. “I think I’m just gonna shower and sleep. But thanks.”

Jake shrugs, then turns to Jungwon. “What about you, Wonnie?”

“I’ll be with Jay hyung,” he tells him, then starts to follow Jay out of the room. “See you two tomorrow, though. Have fun.”

They head down the hallway to their own room, and Jungwon locks the door behind him. Jay is grabbing some stuff out of his suitcase already to go to the bathroom.

“I’ll be quick,” Jay says to him.

Jungwon moves over to his bed and climbs into the sheets. “Tell me if they have good bodywash here.”

Jay gives him a thumbs up before shutting the bathroom door.

So Jungwon props himself up against the headboard and turns on the tv. The programmes are in a different language because they’re in a different country, so he flicks through the channels until he finds a dubbed version of Shrek.

He ends up getting into it. He’s seen the movie before, when he was younger, but he had forgotten most of it.

It’s not like he has enough time before Jay gets out of the shower, though, because fifteen minutes later, the door is opening.

Jungwon’s eyes dart over to see Jay step out, towel drying his damp hair. He adjusts the collar of his robe and places the towel in the hamper.

“The body wash smells like a forest,” Jay says, disgruntled as he sniffs himself. He comes over to the small table next to the window and sits on the chair, facing Jungwon. “I smell like I’ve been rolling around outside.”

Jungwon smiles fondly and keeps watching Shrek. “I’m sure it’ll wear off by tomorrow.”

“Mm,” he hums, fiddling with the bottle of wine on the table. He stands up and walks over to the mini bar, getting a glass before coming back to sit. “You’re watching Shrek? It always scared me when I was a kid.”

Jungwon looks at him absurdly. “Shrek scared you?”

“Oh, for sure. Terrified me.” Jay pops off the cork, laughing as Jungwon jumps. “Sorry. But yeah, I never liked the animation. It freaked me out.”

Sinking back against the cushions, Jungwon turns back to the TV. “I always thought it was sweet. The romance part is sweet, hyung. There’s nothing scary about it.”

Jay pours himself a glass. “I wasn’t scared of the romance, Jungwon-ah. They’re literally ogres.”

“Sweet ogres.”

“I’ll pass,” Jay says into the rim of the glass. He takes a sip. “Enjoy your ogre romance.”

Jungwon laughs easily, watching as Jay looks out of the window as he drinks his wine. The movie keeps playing on the television, but Jungwon doesn’t continue watching it.

He instead watches Jay’s side-profile.

The sky is dark outside the window, which just makes the atmosphere in the room more intimate, and the only sounds are the quiet noises coming from the TV. The lights are slightly dim, a warm tone that casts the right shadows across Jay’s nose and brow bone. Jungwon idly plays with the crisp sheets as he fully takes him in.

He gets out his phone and opens up the camera, pointing it at Jay.

He takes a picture of him there, drinking his wine whilst looking out of the window. Jungwon laughs quietly as Jay notices and straightens out his posture to subtly pose for the camera.

He takes another and then puts his phone down.

“Join me,” Jay says to him, patting the other chair. “Come on, there’s a glass on the table and another bottle in the cupboard.”

Jungwon doesn’t know why they’d even need a second bottle. He gets it anyway. Sitting down next to Jay, he pours himself his own glass and swirls the red liquid around.

“I don’t actually like the taste of wine,” Jungwon murmurs, before sniffing it. It hits his nose all sharp and acidic.

Jay smiles softly. “You don’t seem like you like the smell, either.”

“Too bitter.”

He’s always had a thing about smells. Having a sensitive nose, Jungwon tries to avoid things that smell too strongly, or things that are exactly like wine. Bitter. Maybe that’s why he can only stand the scent of Jay, because he’s far from that.

Jay has always been sharp around the edges; from his eyes to the slope of his nose, down to the angle of his jaw. He’s all hard lines cut from stone, yet he softens for him. He softens in a way that Jungwon can handle, so that he can inhale the scent and essence of him without any discomfort.

Jay seems to do that often— Change around Jungwon, just so that he’s comfortable. The tone of his voice and the slight of his eyes. Maybe it’s subconscious.

Jungwon notices, anyway.

He drinks. One glass turns into two, which turns into a bottle. They move onto the next, which Jay pours for them with an unsteady hand.

Jungwon laughs when he almost tips the glass over from knocking it with the neck of the bottle, but he manages to steady it before it drops.

As much as he doesn’t like the smell of wine, Jungwon does like the way it makes him feel. His inhibitions lower, and something always uncurls in the pits of his stomach. Something he doesn’t even know is there until the tension is gone.

It does go this time, yet Jungwon feels heavier. It’s strange. He usually feels lighter.

Jay is humming something under his breath, staring out of the window as he plays with the base of his glass. He leans back against his chair which causes the collar of his robe to fall open a little more.

Jungwon stares at his neck, then down to the smallest bit of exposed chest. His skin is so smooth and beautiful. There’s an urge, deep inside of him, that rears its head.

He pushes it down and looks out of the window, too.

“I’m glad that we aren’t doing anything tomorrow,” Jay says, running his fingers along the rim of his glass. “I think I’ll need to sleep in to combat the nasty hangover I’ll have.”

Jungwon swallows a mouthful of wine, no longer wincing as it goes down. It’s no longer bitter. "Are you already predicting your hangover?”

“I know myself.”

“Will you wear your sunglasses all day like you always do?” Jungwon taunts, propping his elbows on the table. He clumsily slips, then readjusts himself with a giggle. “Like you’re a… a rockstar, or something?”

Jay sticks his tongue out at him. “I look cool.”

He does. Jungwon is feeling warm, his cheeks heating up from the wine, and his brain-to-mouth barrier has thinned. Loose-lipped. He responds. “You do.” He takes another sip of his wine, letting it wash over his numb tongue before swallowing. “You always look like a rockstar to me, hyung. To everyone. And I think you’re cool,” he says, then adds: “You’re just cool because you’re you.”

Jay looks at him over the rim of his glass, then lowers it a little. “Thank you.”

Meeting his eyes, Jungwon lets Jay see the slightest bit of vulnerability on his face. He tries to let his expression be open, so that Jay can read him easily and see what he’s thinking without him having to say it.

What is he trying to say, anyway? Jungwon doesn’t even know. All he knows is that there’s something buried in himself, waiting to come out. He feels it every time he looks at Jay.

Like right now.

“You’re thinking deeply,” Jay comments, pouring them both another glass.

Jungwon greedily accepts it and drinks. He waits until his head feels a little more buzzed before responding. “It’s nice to think, hyung.”

“Are you thinking about how cool I am again?”

That makes him laugh, all bright and easy. Jungwon’s eyes crinkle in amusement and he shakes his head. “Yeah, totally.” He props his chin in his palm, shifting his chair a little closer to the table. “I’ve really stroked your ego, haven’t I?”

Jay shrugs, but he’s smiling. “Maybe.”

“I should be more tight-fisted with my drunken compliments.”

“I like hearing them.” He shifts a little closer, too. Their knees brush under the table. It’s not much, because the table is already tiny as it is, but it makes the slightest difference. “You can always tell me more.”

Jungwon purses his lips. “Then they wouldn’t be special.”

“And you only want to tell me special things?” Jay asks. It comes out as more of an observation than a question. “I noticed. I find that cute, Won-ah.”

They’re both a little past the tipsy line. That’s probably why Jungwon doesn’t feel too embarrassed by that, and why Jay feels confident in saying it. “You do?”

“I do,” he confirms. “You reserve your compliments… I noticed. I notice these things, you know? You do it because you want it to feel special when you do compliment me.” Jay looks deeply into his eyes, like he’s trying to read him further. He’s probably too drunk to, though. “I appreciate it, because it always does feel special.”

Jungwon’s face flushes pink. He absently picks up the belt of Jay’s robe, playing with it between his fingers. “You are special,” he murmurs softly, “to me.”

He can feel Jay’s gaze on him from the side as he looks back out of the window. The alcohol is kicking in even more, pushing him past the line of tipsy well into drunk.

So Jungwon just stares at the moon with his blurry eyes.

“You’re special to me, too,” Jay replies, and it hangs in the thick air between them. “So special. You don’t even know.”

Jungwon opens his mouth before he knows what he’s going to say. “Sometimes I wish I was up there. On the moon,” he comments, changing the subject. He waits for Jay to follow his line of vision to know what he’s talking about. “Just a place with only me in it.”

Jay hums under his breath. “Wouldn’t that be lonely?”

“I think I’d like it.”

A beat passes. Jay nudges him with his foot under the table. “I would miss you.”

Jungwon frowns. His eyebrows crease in confusion, and he shakes his head. “No, you’d be there. You’d be up there with me.”

Jay smiles at how silly he sounds. “You said alone.”

“You don’t count,” he tells him, all serious. The alcohol is messing with his brain, but it’s probably messing with Jay’s, too. They’re both pretty far gone. He feels like he can say what he wants. “It’s easy with you. Or… maybe you’re the moon. Yeah, you’re the moon, hyung.”

“Me?” Jay laughs. “Why am I the moon?”

Jungwon isn’t sure of the answer. Maybe there is no answer, so he says: “You just are. So then it’s only me up there, but you’re the moon, so you’re with me everywhere,” and expects Jay to get it.

Humming under his breath, Jay gazes ahead at his face. “But the moon only shines because it reflects the sun’s light, you know? They’re a pair.”

Jungwon swallows. “Then…” he starts, tongue feeling heavy in his mouth from more than just the alcohol. “You’re the sun, hyung. You’re the sun, and I’m the moon.”

Jay smiles, all crooked and lazy. “Okay. I’ll be the sun if you want me to be.”

He says it like it’s a fact, so Jungwon fully believes him. He believes, in that moment, that Jay would become the sun in the sky for him if he wanted him to.

Jay drains the last of his glass of wine, then goes to pour another one. It spills down his fingers as his hand-eye coordination is off, and he sighs in mild frustration.

Jungwon catches his wrist. “You’re wasting it,” he whispers, then shifts closer. He brings Jay’s hand to his mouth, watching the rivulets of red wine staining his skin.

Without thinking, he licks Jay’s fingers.

Jay goes still.

He watches silently as Jungwon works on cleaning his fingers off with his tongue, swirling it around each of his digits until the wine is off. Once done, he pulls off with a pop, then licks his lips.

Neither of them say anything about it.

Wordlessly, Jay shifts closer and holds him gently by the back of his neck. His fingers card through the hair of his nape, massaging at his scalp as if he’s a small kitten that needs calming down. And Jungwon knows that something is happening. He, in the deepest parts of his mind, also knows that neither of them will remember this tomorrow.

His inhibitions are out of the window. Something in the air shifts.

Jay moves forwards and kisses his neck.

It’s so unexpected that Jungwon doesn’t register it until his lips are against his skin, nose pressed against his pulse-point.

“Ah,” Jungwon breathes, but he doesn’t push him away. Instead, he tilts his head to the side slightly and places a hand on the back of Jay’s head, keeping him buried in the crook of his neck.

Jungwon’s breaths turn heavy as Jay kisses up the sensitive column of his throat, grazing his teeth against his skin before running his tongue over the marks in apology. He has one hand on his waist, the other on the side of his neck as he holds him delicately, almost too afraid to shatter him.

Jungwon’s breathy pants turn into moans as he clings onto him.

It’s all a blur, really. They’re drunk and moving too frantically, and Jay is holding onto him as if he’s his lifeline, too afraid to detach and let go of him. Jungwon doesn’t want to let go, either.

He wraps his arms around Jay’s shoulders and pulls him closer. There’s a telltale arousal blooming in the lower-half of his body that spreads through his veins, all through his bones and muscles until he feels like he’s made out of jelly.

“Jungwon,” he breathes out. Jay pauses to bite at his skin, relishing in the way that Jungwon’s fingers grasp at his back. “My Jungwon…”

And Jungwon slides his hands up from Jay’s back to thread his fingers in Jay’s hair, keeping him pressed against his neck. “Hyung.”

“Jungwon,” he repeats between kisses and soft bites. He nuzzles his nose into his neck hungrily as Jungwon tugs on his hair.

Caught up in the moment, Jay’s arm knocks against a glass of wine on the table. It tips over and spills onto the carpet.

The moment dissolves as if it were nothing.

They both separate.

Jungwon catches his breath as he leans back in his chair, and Jay does the same, staring down at the red liquid pooling in the carpet. The room is silent for a few seconds, before Jay speaks.

“I hope they don’t charge us for that.”

Jungwon can’t help but laugh. He touches the wetness on his neck, but his drunk brain doesn’t care about the implications of any of this. “The carpet was already kinda red.”

“I’d say… it’s more of a crater brown,” Jay observes, picking up the glass. He puts it back on the table and then presses a hand to his forehead. “Ah, I seriously feel sick.”

“Mm,” Jungwon mumbles, because his head is steadily spinning from the alcohol. “Sleep it off.”

He watches as Jay sheds his robe and crawls into bed, peeling back the covers. He’s only got his boxers on, so Jungwon stares at the expanse of his skin that is exposed, all tan and smooth and firm.

It seems like Jay knocks out as soon as his head hits the pillow.

Jungwon sways on his chair for a little longer, gazing back out of the window. He doesn’t think about the kiss. Everything feels like a blur, so it’s hard to tell what has actually happened and what hasn’t.

The moon seems brighter now, though. He watches it for a little longer, before crawling into bed next to him.

Neither of them remember what happened the next morning.

ᓚᘏᗢ

The tour starts off well.

Concerts and interviews go without a hitch. Jungwon feels like he has even more fun than usual as he throws himself into it all, pushing himself to the absolute limit as he always does.

It’s easy, because he feels like he’s doing a good job. Everything is easy when he feels that way. And the thing is that the others are doing amazingly, too, but Jungwon wouldn’t feel upset in the slightest even if they weren’t.

So maybe he should be a little kinder to himself, in that regard.

He pushes himself too much on stage one night. There’s a thrumming in his veins as they perform at a music show, and Jungwon gives everything in himself to the crowd until there’s nothing left of him.

He accidentally rolls his ankle landing a jump. The pain that shoots through his foot is sharp, like a muscle pulled too taut, yet the adrenaline coursing through him is enough to keep going through it.

So he keeps going. And he keeps going, and going, without missing a single step.

The adrenaline only wears off once they’re walking backstage, back to the dressing rooms. There’s a slight limp in his step that he doesn’t think anyone notices because everyone is smiling and laughing, talking to staff members or each other for congratulations.

Jungwon limps to the back of the room to grab his phone.

“Sit,” someone says in a quiet yet firm voice. A chair is pulled out for him, legs scraping against the floor.

It’s Jake.

Jungwon sits down with a huff, looking at himself in the dressing table mirror. Jake stands next to him and watches him in concern.

“Are you hurt?”

Jungwon’s tongue darts out to wet his lips, tasting whatever product the makeup artist had put on him. It just tastes like chemicals. “A little.”

Jake sighs. “You were limping. I noticed when we were on stage,” he says, glancing down at Jungwon’s foot. He pulls out another chair and positions it next to him, then guides him to prop his leg up on it. “I’ll tell someone to take a look at it.”

The energy from earlier hasn’t fully left his body, so he feels a bit restless as he’s forced to sit. Jake disappears for a few moments to tell a member of staff, which leaves Jungwon by himself again.

The others are on the other side of the room busy doing their own thing. Jungwon watches them through the mirror, then stares at himself.

There’s just one thing going through his head, from what Jake had said— that he had noticed his limp when they were on the stage. Which means that the fans would have noticed his slip-up too. The thought settles heavily in his gut, turning the energy inside of him into something else entirely.

He didn’t do his best. Didn’t do good enough.

Jake comes back with someone who fusses over him in a way that feels rehearsed. Jungwon sits back and lets them inspect his ankle, but it doesn’t take long for them to determine that it’s just a pulled muscle. The staff leaves without looking back.

“Good job it isn’t sprained, or anything. I was kinda fearing the worst,” Jake says lightly. He’s clearly relieved. “The pain should go down after a bit.”

Jungwon nods, his movements feeling heavier than before.

“Hey,” he calls, trying to get Jungwon to look at him. “What’s the matter? Does it hurt badly?”

He shakes his head. It’s the truth, anyway. His ankle doesn’t hurt too badly, and the feeling inside of him is a resigned disappointment in himself. Not pain. It’s something emptying, all-encompassing and large that swallows up his insides.

And it’s ridiculous. Jungwon is aware of how stupid he’s being. He’s upset over getting injured. Knowing that it’s stupid doesn’t make it go away, though.

Jake rubs his shoulder comfortingly, looking around the room. Jungwon doesn’t know what he’s looking for.

Someone else comes over a few seconds later, murmuring something to Jake. The person kneels in front of him, one gentle hand on his knee as he tries to look at his face.

Jay.

“What’s gotten our Jungwonnie so upset?” he asks lightly, tapping his knee with two fingers.

Something softens inside of Jungwon. He raises his head slightly, glancing at Jay from beneath his bangs.

Jay smiles at him. “There you are,” he murmurs. “Tell hyung what’s wrong.”

Jungwon inhales, then lets out a breath. “Can we go to the hotel?”

Jay wordlessly helps him to his feet.

The others are already waiting in the cars. Jungwon gets in and shuts the door behind him. He makes idle conversation with Sunoo as he’s in the car with them, trying his best to seem like himself despite the heaviness of his tongue.

Jay is quiet next to him.

When they eventually get to the hotel, everyone goes off to their own rooms, and Jungwon follows Jay to theirs.

“I’m going to shower,” he tells him, itching to get all the sweat and grime off his body.

Jay nods and lets him go.

He spends about half an hour just standing under the water, letting the spray fall over his naked body. Jungwon stares down at the floor and ignores the throb in his ankle that has begun to fade.

He switches his brain off and just focuses on the pressure against his back. Tipping his head slightly, he lets the water spray all over his face, and it sticks his hair to his forehead, but he’s too tired to brush it away.

Knowing that Jay is on the other side of the wall is comforting, even if it doesn’t lift his mood. It just feels like a safety net.

Eventually he gets out of the shower and pulls on fresh clothes to leave the bathroom.

Jay is sitting on a chair near the balcony, staring out of it. The sky is dark and the curtains are partially drawn. He has his elbows on the table and his phone is next to him, plugged into the wall, but he isn’t using it.

He looks over at Jungwon when the bathroom door opens, and he gives him a small smile. “Hey.”

“Hi.” Jungwon sits down on the edge of the bed to relieve the tension of his ankle. He sees Jay get up out of the corner of his eye and sit beside him, making sure their arms are brushing together.

Jay doesn’t push him to talk.

“Hyung,” Jungwon starts after a while, not looking up from a spot on the floor. His eyes drill holes into the wood. “Did you notice?”

He doesn’t specify what. He thinks that if Jay did notice then he’ll know what he’s talking about already, and if he didn’t notice then he’ll just be confused. So Jungwon waits for his hesitant answer.

It comes after a few seconds. “No.”

He laughs mirthlessly. “Then how did you know what I was referring to?”

“Jungwon…” Jay starts cautiously. There’s concern in his voice along with what Jungwon thinks is pity. “Is that what you’re upset about? Being injured on stage? Because you did so well, no one else would have even known unless they really looked.”

“But I know,” he stresses. “I know I didn’t do my best, and I let everyone down.”

Jay’s expression softens. “You did your best despite what happened. No one could ever feel let down by you, Jungwon. Do you really think that we ever could?”

There’s something stuck in Jungwon’s throat, prickling his insides and making it hard to swallow. He refuses to look in Jay’s direction because he doesn’t want him to ever see his flaws and his weaknesses.

He wants to say yes, he does think that he lets them down a lot of the time. Jungwon won’t usually tell anyone when it happens, but it keeps him awake at night when the room feels too small for the large feelings threatening to burst from his body.

“You don’t have to lie to me,” Jungwon whispers.

“I’m not lying. I’d never lie to you about something like this,” he responds. He hesitantly reaches out, placing a hand on Jungwon’s lower back. “Do you trust me?”

“Yes.”

“Then why don’t you believe me?”

Jungwon swallows thickly. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, hyung.”

The words hurt on their way out. Admitting it to Jay of all people hurts.

Jay pauses for a moment. Jungwon wouldn’t blame him for not having anything to say.

He feels afraid, for a moment. Like his insides are being bared, his skin ripped from his chest in a way that leaves him vulnerable and open. He hates that Jay is looking at him like he’s looking directly at his soul. He hopes that there is no judgment in his gaze.

There never really has been judgment in Jay’s gaze.

“You have such a firm perception of what perfect is, you can’t stop criticising yourself whenever you don’t meet it,” Jay tells him suddenly. “And there will always be this gap between how you think you did and how you view perfection. Because it doesn’t exist.”

Jungwon doesn’t answer. He doesn’t think he could, even if he knew what to say. It’s odd that Jay sees him so thoroughly, so transparently, because he’s never told anyone the depths of it.

He continues. “I know that. I know you, Jungwon. You never talk to me about it because you think you need to keep it to yourself, because you think that speaking about things makes you imperfect.”

“I don’t…” he says, except they both know that’s a lie. “It’s not even a big deal.”

“It’s a big deal if it makes you upset.”

Jungwon lets out a breath. This conversation feels almost like he’s letting go of a shard of his soul, like he’s relinquishing something that’s such a fundamental part of himself.

The wall around his heart.

“What about not being perfect makes you upset?” Jay asks gently, trying to get around the crumbling wall. “Because I wouldn’t like it if you were ‘perfect’ anyway.”

Jungwon lets out a soft huff. “Everyone would like it if I was.”

“No,” he corrects. “Because you wouldn’t be you.”

The hand on Jungwon’s lower back seems like it’s merging into him, like the two of them are fusing together. “What’s so great about me, anyway?”

“That’s a silly question,” Jay softly chastises, his thumb rubbing against Jungwon’s shirt until it slips underneath the hem, reaching his skin. “I can list about a hundred things.”

Jungwon lets his eyes flutter shut at the touch. “Can you?”

“Yes,” Jay murmurs. And Jungwon can’t see his face because his eyes are closed, but he can imagine the way he’s looking at him. “I love how strong you are. How mature and reliable you’ve been all these years. The way you seem to take on so much,” Jay tells him. “But I also love how soft you are inside.”

Jungwon finds that he can’t speak.

Jay continues anyway. “I feel like you sometimes don’t know where you begin and where being an idol ends.” The words hang heavily between them, solidifying into something painful. “You give so much to other people and you think that it’s all you exist for, because you were so young when it started.”

The truth of it stings. “But it is all I exist for.”

Jay shakes his head. “You exist for yourself. Not for anyone else, or anything else.” His palm is warm, grounding against his skin. It helps to stop Jungwon from floating away. “Let others take care of you.”

Let others take care of you.

Jungwon finally looks at him. Really looks at him.

When their eyes meet, nothing particularly big sets off in Jungwon’s brain. It isn’t fireworks, or a sudden realisation, or a truck that slams into him with full force. Instead, it’s like he’s been in the dark his entire life and someone has lit a candle, showing him what has been around him the whole time.

Their faces are quite close together as they sit next to each other on the bed. Jungwon can’t help the way his eyes flick down to Jay’s lips for a moment.

“You already take care of me,” he whispers.

Jay swallows, and his eyes dart down too. “Do I?”

“You know you do.”

There’s a brief hesitation. Not because Jay doesn’t agree, but because he’s being called out for it. “I guess I just…” he starts, before trailing off. The words must die in his throat. “Yeah.”

His heart thumps loudly. He prays that Jay can’t hear it. “Yeah,” he repeats.

It’s quiet.

“Why?”

Jay seems startled at that. His eyebrows twitch, and he picks at some loose threads coming out of the blanket. “Why what?”

“Why do you take care of me?”

Jay is the first to look away. He stares off into the corner of the room, shoulders tensing slightly in a way that Jungwon only notices because he’s staring.

He reluctantly opens his mouth. “I take care of you all.”

Ah.

Of course. He already knew that, anyway.

Jungwon doesn’t know why it hurts so badly, but it does. It turns into something sharp in his chest, spikes poking through his ribs and at his heart, and it makes it impossible to look at Jay any longer.

So Jungwon smiles, because smiling seems better than what he really wants to with his face. “I see.”

“Because… I want you all to be okay,” Jay continues, taking the hand off Jungwon’s back. “I want you to be happy, Wonnie.”

I would be happy if I was the only one you looked at.

The thought arrives unwantedly in his head. Jungwon tries his best to push it down and act normal. “Okay.”

Jay strokes the back of his head. He lightly squeezes Jungwon’s nape, letting his fingers brush against his skin for longer than necessary.

Jungwon stands up.

He keeps his back turned from Jay as he speaks. “I’m kinda tired, hyung. I think I’ll go to bed,” he says, trying to hide the waver in his voice. “Goodnight.”

A beat passes before Jay responds. “Jungwon…”

“I’m okay,” he quickly says, but he doesn’t turn around to face him. “Seriously. I’m feeling better now. And— my ankle will feel fully better in the morning.”

He goes over to the other side of the room where the other bed is and starts untucking the sheets from the mattress. Jay is still quiet behind him, not saying anything until Jungwon is switching off his lamp, getting into bed.

“Jungwon, I—” He cuts himself off, forcing back down whatever words were going to come out of his mouth. “Did I say something wrong?”

Jungwon rolls over to face him. Jay is still sitting where he had left him, perched on the edge of his bed like he isn’t sure whether to get up or stay seated.

He doesn’t know what to say in response. Because no, Jay didn’t say anything wrong, and Jungwon doesn’t think he’s justified in feeling the way he is for no apparent reason. He’s still hung up on getting injured and it’s soured his mood.

Probably.

That’s all it is. He tries to convince himself, because any other explanation isn’t acceptable and he refuses to think about a different reason for his sadness.

So he gives Jay a small smile in the dim lighting. “I’m just so tired, hyung. That’s it.”

“Okay,” Jay nods, seemingly accepting that. “Well… goodnight, then. I’ll be awake if you need me.”

Jungwon says goodnight back to him, then rolls over again. The smile drops from his face and he pulls the blanket over himself tighter, as if it can shield him from all of his incoming thoughts.

He does not feel anything towards Jay. It would be impossible for multiple reasons.

Jungwon repeats that to himself as he falls asleep.

ᓚᘏᗢ

The tour stretches on.

Jungwon focuses more on his performance. He makes sure he lands every move correctly and keeps the morale of the group high until they’ve completed all of their shows. It’s what he’s good at. He’s good at making everyone feel more at ease because he knows them all so well, and he’s learnt what to say to each of them over the years.

He also, admittedly, avoids Jay.

It’s not something he does on purpose, or with any malice. There’s just a sense of embarrassment and vulnerability he feels whenever the other looks at him after what happened that night. They always get back to the hotel late and Jungwon will quickly shower and get into bed, or he’ll go live which means that Jay can’t talk to him properly.

Jungwon pretends it’s coincidental.

When the last concert is over, they all head back to the hotel except for Jungwon and Jake. The two of them are the least tired and want to make the most of their last day in the city.

The street is relatively quiet as they walk down it, peering into the different stores.

“It doesn’t feel real,” Jake says, arms swinging idly by his sides. “It’s like just yesterday the tour started, and now it’s over. How did that happen?”

It feels the same way each time. Concerts fly by so quickly and blend together easily. It’s hard to keep track of everything. “What’s the saying?”

“Time flies when you’re having fun,” Jake grins, stretching his arms up with a yawn. “So did you have fun?”

Jungwon falters. “I did.”

“You hesitated.”

“I had fun at the concerts,” Jungwon supplies. He chooses his words carefully. “And I’m grateful for the fans and for you guys, and… I love it all. So I did have fun. I always do, as long as we’re together.”

Jake looks at him from the side, tilting his head. “You’re not saying something.”

“I don’t know what you mean, hyung.”

They walk slowly on the side of the pavement to let other people pass them by. There’s an empty bench a few feet away that they both wander towards, sitting down. “Y’know, I noticed it before tonight’s show. You’re avoiding Jay.”

Jungwon feels like a kid being scolded, even though Jake is far from scolding him. “I’m not avoiding him…”

“Then what is it?” Jake asks patiently. “You know you can tell me, right? No judgement. I’ll just listen.”

One of the many things Jungwon is grateful for is Jake. As much as he doesn’t want to talk about how he’s feeling, he knows that he should get it off his chest, even if it’s in a vague way.

“Hyung, what does it mean when you want someone to only do nice things for you?”

Jake doesn’t seem shocked by that. He doesn’t ask who this is about, because it’s obvious. “What do you think it means, Won-ah?”

“That I’m being selfish.”

Jake laughs quietly, resting his arm against the back of the bench. “There’s nothing selfish about wanting special treatment from someone you care about deeply.”

“But everyone cares about him. I’m no different.” Jungwon looks ahead, watching as families and couples walk past them towards the pier. The city lights twinkle in the distance like a thousand stars. “I don’t know what this feeling is.”

Jake nods slowly, following Jungwon’s gaze to the lights. “When did you start feeling like this?”

“I don’t know,” he murmurs. In truth, the feeling has been worming its way between his ribs for a long time, but he’s been trying to push it down. Still is. “He told me… that he’s just nice to everyone. So that means I’m not special, doesn’t it?”

Jake exhales, leaning back against the bench. “Do you believe that?”

“I believe it because it’s true.”

The city lights blur a little. Jungwon tries to focus his eyes but he finds that he can’t, and they keep getting blurrier.

Jake turns to him. “Sometimes your Jay hyung says things he doesn’t mean, because he thinks that pretending he doesn’t care as much as he does will protect himself from getting hurt,” he explains. “I think you should go with your gut. What is your gut telling you, Wonnie?”

Jungwon looks down at his lap. “I’m not sure. I’m… it’s all confusing.”

Jake places a hand between his shoulder blades and rubs his back. “Then you can figure it out in your own time. With Jay. I think you both should figure things out.”

He’s not quite sure what Jake means, but the words are terrifying. Jungwon doesn’t want to figure anything out because he’s afraid of the truth and doesn’t want to face it.

He watches the lights until they lose their beauty.

Later on when the two of them finally return to the hotel and part ways, Jungwon swipes his keycard to get into his room.

The first thing that he sees is Jay, sitting on the edge of the bed with his phone in his hand. The second thing he sees is a table that has been set up with plates of food on it.

They both look at each other.

“You’re back,” Jay breathes, standing up. He seems like he wants to take a step forwards, but he doesn’t, and instead just stays rooted to the spot. “I ordered room service, but I wasn’t sure how long you’d be. You haven’t eaten, have you?”

Jungwon gulps and shakes his head.

“Good.” Jay finally moves. He pulls out a chair before sitting at the round table himself. “I ordered things that would be fine if they got cold, so…”

Jungwon wordlessly takes a seat opposite him, watching as Jay puts food in for him and slides a plate over before doing his own.

There are so many emotions and feelings surging under the surface of his skin, but they all feel numbed and muted at the same time.

Jungwon doesn't know what is happening to him.

“Did you wait long?”

“I ordered it about—” Jay pauses to check the time on his phone. “Thirty minutes ago. Not that long.”

They both know that’s a long time. Acknowledging it would mean something, so neither of them do.

Jungwon doesn’t start eating yet. He looks ahead at Jay, observing the way he seems so focused on his food and the table to the point where he doesn’t glance at Jungwon.

“Hyung,” Jungwon calls, barely above a whisper. “I think I’m selfish.”

Finally, Jay looks up. His expression is one of confusion, and his hands stop moving. “You? Selfish?”

“Yes.”

He sets his utensils down on his plate, giving Jungwon his full attention. “You’re the least selfish person I know. I don’t think you have a single bone in your body that is. Where is this coming from?”

Jungwon wets his lips, then takes a breath. He wants to say the truth but he doesn’t know if he can, or how to say it to Jay at all. Because this could ruin everything they have. Their friendship and bond, everything they have, could be destroyed by Jungwon’s selfishness.

So instead he asks: “Have you ever loved someone?”

It catches Jay off guard. His fingers twitch on the table, and his ears turn the slightest shade of red. “Why are you asking?” he mumbles.

“Hyung.”

“Okay,” he concedes, strained. He fiddles with the tablecloth, pinching it and rolling it between his fingers. “I have.”

Jungwon ignores the red-hot feeling inside of him. “What does it feel like?”

Jay has a slightly distant look in his eyes, like he’s either somewhere distant or he’s trying to detach. He eventually answers. “It hurts.”

Jungwon’s tongue feels heavy in his mouth. “Who?”

Jay stares at him for a second too long, before shaking his head. “You only asked how it feels, not who it is,” he says, then pushes Jungwon’s plate forward. “Eat. You must be hungry after today.”

So he eats, and pretends that there isn’t an ugliness inside of him at this revelation.

The food is hard to swallow because his throat feels so tight. There are so many unspoken words trapped in it that he knows will never be said.

“Does it feel heavy?” Jungwon asks after a while. “Like your throat is dry and there are stones in your stomach, and you’re feeling all these things that you can’t comprehend?”

Jay seems to have the same look on his face as Jungwon. “Yes.”

“Oh.” He’s still wearing jeans as he hadn’t gotten the chance to get dressed, so he picks at a loose thread on his knee. “Okay.”

Jungwon holds onto the hope that whoever Jay loved is in the past. He doesn’t think that he actively likes anyone, anyway, because he never talks about it or mentions anyone other than the members. That puts his heart at ease.

Jay looks at him in concern, seemingly pushing aside his own feelings for a moment. “What makes you ask? Is there… someone?”

Jungwon quickly looks up at him, his face flushing. “Someone?”

“Yeah. Like…” Jay makes an aborted gesture with his hand. “Someone you love.”

Jungwon presses his lips together in a line.

Does he love Jay?

It’s ridiculous. Even if he is in love with Jay, it could never happen. Even if what he is feeling is more than just simple jealousy, confusion, and a soul-crushing weight on his chest, nothing could transpire between them.

Because they’re idols, and they’re friends. And they’re both guys. He doesn’t even think Jay likes men. He didn’t think he did himself until now.

So Jungwon shakes his head and smiles. “I was just curious.”

Jay makes a soft noise. “You know what they say about cats and curiosity.”

Admittedly, that gets a small laugh out of Jungwon. “I’m still not a cat, hyung.”

“That’s what they all say.”

“Cat’s can’t speak.”

Jay shrugs and picks up a piece of food, slipping it into Jungwon’s plate to prompt him to continue eating. “The only cat I know can.”

Jungwon scrunches his nose up and stops focusing on the pain in his chest. He laughs with Jay, their feet brushing under the table and knocking together.

It just feels so right. The two of them. For Jungwon, Jay’s presence in his life has always been as simple as the air he breathes. He’s there in every scenario, and every situation he could ever imagine. Every memory that Jungwon remembers since he was a young teenager has Jay in it.

Without Jay, the world just seems quite meaningless.

Jungwon cannot imagine a time without him, because neither of them have gone more than a few hours without speaking. When he looks to the future, he sees Jay. When he looks at the past, he sees Jay, and when he looks at where he is right now, Jay is always there.

He feels selfish for even thinking of him romantically, even if only for a second. It seems like he’s taking advantage of Jay’s kindness towards him by interpreting it in a different way.

They are friends. Nothing more. Jungwon refuses to let his selfishness get in the way of their bond, even if it hurts.

“I’m sorry,” Jungwon apologises suddenly. It comes out of his mouth without permission.

Jay tilts his head slightly. “Sorry for what?”

“For…” He trails off. He wants to apologise for avoiding him since the first night of the tour, but he doesn’t think he can word it in a way that doesn’t cause Jay to start questioning him. “Not spending much time with you lately.”

Something flashes in Jay’s eyes, but it’s gone as soon as it comes. “It’s okay. You’ve been tired.”

“That’s not a good excuse.”

“Well I’m not angry,” Jay tells him, ever patient. “I was just confused. And a little sad, because I, um—” He scratches the side of his head, then fixes a few strands of his hair. “I missed you.”

Jungwon’s heart skips a beat. “You saw me every day.”

“I missed talking to you. It’s different when we’re all together and we’re busy. That’s work, isn’t it? This is… different,” he explains. Jungwon understands what he means completely. “I’ve missed this. Us.”

Jungwon lets out a short huff of breath. His eyes flick around as he thinks of what to say, but he’s scared that he’ll open his mouth and all that will come out is a choked-off noise. So he settles on something teasing. “Don’t get sappy on me, hyung.”

Jay has his hands in his lap, no longer caring about the food. “You always do that.”

Jungwon blinks. “Do what?”

“Deflect,” he simply says. “Whenever I say something nice to you, like right now. You do that thing where you just joke about it instead of being serious.”

He feels his face turn the slightest shade of pink. Jungwon sinks a little further in his seat. “I didn’t know what else to say.”

A brief silence descends on the room. Jungwon avoids Jay’s eyes as he tries to come up with something to fill in the gap of the conversation. He keeps drawing blank. He’s afraid that he’ll end up blurting out something he doesn’t want to say, so he’d rather keep his mouth firmly shut.

Jay seems to realise that he isn’t going to speak again, so he does for him. “You should eat and then wash up. Our flight is early tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

“And…” Jay adds hesitantly. “You don’t have to worry about love hurting for you, Jungwon. Anyone you love would be blind to not love you back.”

The irony of it all is funny. “What if me and the person I love can’t be together?”

Jay seems lost in thought for a few seconds. He opens his mouth, closes it, then opens it again when he has the words. “I think the universe always finds a way.”

Jungwon wishes it were that easy.

When they eventually wash up and head to bed for the last time that tour, Jungwon stares at Jay’s sleeping figure until his eyelids get too heavy to stay open.

ᓚᘏᗢ

Jay has his own solo schedule at the end of the month.

They all had said goodbye to him before he had left for the airport, asking him to send lots of photos and to let them know what the country is like. Jungwon had watched Jay smile and tell them that he’d see them again in three days.

Three days is too long.

For Jungwon, he has never gone for more than a few hours without talking to him. Not in all the years since they have met. Not seeing Jay for three consecutive days seems suffocating, for some reason.

But he thinks he can do it at first. He spends the first few hours at the company, working on something in one of the studios before going live for a while. He distracts himself by talking to the fans— he talks about everything and nothing and somehow manages to bring Jay up at the end of every topic, but it’s keeping busy and he needs to stay busy.

“He’s coming back in… on Thursday,” Jungwon tells them, looking into the camera. He idly spins in his chair for something to do with his legs. “Thursday evening. Yes. Yeah, he left this morning.”

His eyes flick over the comments as he props his chin on his palm, staring at his screen. Stifling a yawn, Jungwon fixes his hair with his other hand.

He hadn’t looked at the time as he’d gotten carried away. Now, as his eyes flick to the top of his screen, he realises that he should probably say goodbye and head back.

Jungwon wraps things off and promises to do another live soon. Blowing a small kiss to the camera, he shuts it off.

Everything seems a lot quieter again.

Standing up, he slips his phone into his pocket, then tidies the small area. He powers off the computer and tucks in his chair.

Walking feels a lot harder. Heading to the door, he pushes it open and leaves the studio.

The outside air is getting colder once he exits the building and steps outside. Jungwon wraps his jacket around himself a little more as the autumn breeze picks up, blowing through his hair and hitting him in the face.

Summer had ended too soon. Jungwon never usually misses the summer. This time, however, he feels a lot colder with it gone.

It’s strange, because he never usually does.

Maybe the coldness is from something else. Perhaps the ache in his bones and the emptiness in the pit of his stomach comes from the loss of something greater than the sun.

There is only one thing greater than the sun in Jungwon’s eyes.

He thinks about that as he heads back home. He thinks about how dramatic he’s being and how he’s being selfish and ungrateful, because he can just go and spend time with his other members who he loves. Because he’s just craving company. Nothing else.

Trying to convince himself of that is hard.

He gets through the front door and calls out that he’s back, because he isn’t sure who is home. He hasn’t checked the schedule because his mind has been preoccupied. Heading over to the living room, he peers inside to see that no one is there.

Jungwon sighs and goes to get showered and dressed first.

He feels better once he’s clean. Jungwon hums to himself as he dries his hair, putting on fresh clothes, before he goes back to the living room and lays down on the couch before getting his phone out.

There are messages on the group chat. It’s most just Jake sending photos and the others responding. Jungwon scrolls up to see if there’s anything important but, as usual, there isn’t.

He puts his phone down and switches on the TV.

The show that Jay had been telling him about is on. Jungwon turns the volume up and rests his head on the pillow, trying to pay attention to whatever is happening on screen. It takes a while but he finally gets into it.

It’s a romance. Jungwon watches intently as the main character has some cheesy dialogue with her love interest before they share a not-so-passionate kiss in the rain. The music plays— some piano number that seems slightly too melodramatic for the scene— and the camera shows their stiff kiss from about five different angles.

Jungwon has never been particularly moved by romance.

He doesn’t consider himself to be romantic, which is probably why. He was never interested in high school, or when he was a trainee, or even after debut. Other things were more important to him, and he wonders if he grew up too quickly because of all the pressure.

But, even until recently, he never thought about being in a relationship.

When he really thinks about it, Jungwon believes that people enter relationships because they feel like something is missing from their lives. But he’s never felt like that before. Nothing has ever felt like it was missing in all the years that he’s been an idol.

And he was happy about that. He knew that entering a relationship as an idol would be risky, so he was grateful that he never craved having a girlfriend or being in a relationship in that way.

However, now watching the scene on the television, Jungwon feels an empty pit in his chest.

He gets out his phone and texts Jake.

Jungwon: Are you home?

He gets a response within five minutes.

Jake: ye in my room

Jungwon switches the TV off and makes his way down the hall. He knocks on Jake’s room door and enters when his voice calls out.

“Hey,” Jake greets, patting his mattress. “What’s up?”

Coming over, Jungwon sits next to him. He looks down at his hands for a few seconds before speaking. “Hyung, do you want to be in a relationship?”

Jake’s eyes widen at how sudden it is. “Woah. With you?”

“No— I didn’t mean with me. I meant in general,” Jungwon clarifies, huffing. “Do you want a relationship?”

“Ah,” he sighs, then scratches the back of his head in thought. “Well, yeah. I do casual stuff but obviously being in a relationship is a lot trickier, considering our jobs. But… I do crave it sometimes.”

Jungwon nods slowly. “You do?”

“Of course,” Jake responds. “I think everyone does. That’s only natural. There are just… certain things that I want that I don’t get from just having you guys, y’know?” He then looks sheepish. “No offense, obviously. I love you all. But some things are missing that make our bond different from something romantic.”

Jungwon doesn’t take offence. He knows that it’s different. “I’ve never felt like anything was missing in my life until lately,” he confesses.

There’s a short silence. Jake doesn’t seem shocked by that. He just purses his lips and nods. “Until today?”

“It’s worse today.”

“And what’s different about today?” Jake asks, knowingly. His voice is gentle and patient, like he knows that whatever is going on in Jungwon’s mind is fragile and needs to be handled carefully.

They both know the answer to that. Jungwon almost doesn’t want to say it, but he knows he has to.

He has to finally admit the truth. He has to face it head-on, and not skate around it like he has been for the past couple of months, because every day that he represses and pushes it down, the worse it hurts.

So he lets the words roll off his tongue. “Jay hyung isn’t here.”

Jake hums to himself. “So you’ve never felt like anything was missing, but now Jay has left this gap in your life that you can’t ignore,” he guesses, “and it’s making you realise that all the things you’ve needed are in him?”

Jungwon is quiet. He stares at the floor and swallows, because the truth is weighing heavily on him.

“And that’s okay,” Jake continues. “You haven’t craved a relationship all these years because Jay has given you almost every aspect of one without the title.”

When he really thinks about it, Jungwon knows that he’s right.

He’s always felt like Jay has taken such good care of him. And although he was refusing to accept it before, Jake’s words from that night on the tour ring through his head, because Jay has always been especially nicer to him.

Maybe it’s painfully clear to everyone else. They do keep telling him over and over again. Jake, Sunoo, Niki— they’ve all said it. Heeseung has said it too, once, when they were at a concert, announcing it to the entire crowd. And Jungwon had brushed it off as nothing all these years, because he was too busy being in denial of his own feelings.

So Jay takes care of him. He tries his best to humour him to make him laugh. He lets him win arguments and never raises his voice at him. They spend most of their time together and go on all these dinner dates, and Jay buys him things and cooks for him the most and tries his best not to trouble him with anything burdensome.

Just to make Jungwon comfortable, as if that’s the entire point of his life.

He’s everything and nothing at the same time— everything because Jungwon feels like he can’t be without him, and nothing because he does it all without saying a word.

The realisation slams him in the gut. He almost doubles over with the way it makes his stomach lurch.

He presses his palms into his eyes and whispers: “I don’t know what to do.”

Jake rubs his back, trying to soothe him. “What does your heart want you to do?”

His heart wants Jay to come back. It wants to fuse with Jay’s own heart until they’re one, so that he can never leave again or let him go. But that isn’t possible, so Jungwon shakes his head. “I want it to go away,” he says. “I don’t want to feel like this. I hate it when things are… complicated.”

“What’s complicated about your feelings for Jay?”

“Everything,” Jungwon breathes out. He sits up a little straighter, wiping roughly at his eyes. He doesn’t know when they started to water. “Hyung, this— even if Jay hyung liked me back, it just…” he trails off. He feels sick. “I think I love him.”

When the words come out, Jungwon feels like he can breathe again. However, each breath that he takes hurts.

“I’m scared,” he confesses.

Jake keeps rubbing his back. “There’s nothing scary about love, Jungwon.”

Exhaling, Jungwon tries to collect his thoughts. “There is when there’s so much riding on it,” he explains, because he knows that Jake will understand. “This group, the fans, everything. You all are… my life. I can’t. Hyung, I’m the leader. This isn’t just about me, or feelings.”

He pauses and takes a breath, then continues.

“I can’t be selfish and have him and risk everything. Because that puts everyone in danger,” Jungwon finishes, then adds: “It puts him in danger.”

Jake is quiet. His hand pauses between Jungwon’s shoulder blades as he takes in his words and the depth of his feelings. Eventually, there’s a sigh.

“Jungwon…” he starts hesitantly. “I’m not going to pretend to know the answers to everything. Because I don’t. But one thing you don’t ever have to worry about is us not supporting you about this, no matter what you choose.”

Jungwon wets his lips, then picks at them. His stomach feels heavy. Like he’s swallowed stones. “I can’t be selfish.”

That, somehow, makes Jake laugh softly. “Jungwon, you’ve been under such intense pressure since you were so young. You’ve carried us so well for so many years,” he says. “I think you deserve to be a little selfish.”

Tearing up again, Jungwon looks away.

It feels like he’s at war with himself. Inside of him, there’s a battle between his brain and his heart. His brain tells him that he needs to protect everyone and not do anything to risk everything they’ve built, whereas his heart tells him that he can’t function without the warmth of the sun.

But it’s scary. Jungwon is scared. He’s never felt so small and afraid before, even though he’s done many things when he was small and afraid. This, somehow, overshadows it all.

He doesn’t think he is as brave as he seems. “I just… really can’t put myself before the group.”

Jake slowly removes his hand from Jungwon’s back. He faces him properly, looking him in the eyes. “You’re going to get to the point where you miss him even when he’s next to you.”

Jungwon doesn’t think that’s possible. “I won’t. I’ve got it under control, hyung,” he lies, standing up. “Don’t worry. But… thank you.”

Jake watches him go.

The kitchen is quiet when he gets there.

The warmth that usually fills it is gone. Jungwon opens up the fridge and stares inside for a few minutes, then shuts it again.

He decides to just go to his room.

Jungwon lays on his bed and opens up his phone. He should check up on Jay as a friend— just message him and see if he’s arrived safely, or if he’s in his hotel now. Because he can care about him in a way that doesn’t complicate things.

So he opens up their messages.

Jungwon: How’s it going?

He stares at the message until it gets read. Jay’s reply comes almost instantaneously.

Jay: Hey

Jay: Good. Im in bed

The time difference, right. Jungwon had forgotten that Jay is a few hours ahead of him now, so it must be late at night for him. He quickly responds.

Jungwon: How was your flight?

Jay: Pretty boring because I had no movies to watch

Jay: But food was nice

He doesn’t know why, but that makes his heart clench a little. Jungwon wishes that he could’ve been there with him to keep him company.

Another message buzzes through before he responds.

Jay: Wyd?

Jungwon gnaws on his bottom lip for a few seconds before opening up the camera. The lighting in the room is dim as he has his blinds shut, so he fixes his hair and looks at himself through the screen.

His shirt is loose so his collarbones are visible, along with the smooth expanse of his neck. His hair is splayed out on the pillow and he’s looking up at the camera with the slightest bit of dimple showing in his cheek. Jungwon quickly takes the photo.

He sends it to Jay.

They send each other photos all the time. Jungwon doesn’t think that much of it, because his brain is still a little foggy from his chat with Jake and he just wanted to show Jay that he’s in bed.

Jay reads it immediately as he’s still on the chat. However, no reply comes.

Jungwon assumes that he must be busy. He decides to double text.

Jungwon: How’s the hotel?

This time, Jay responds after a minute.

Jay: it’s goof

Jay: Good

Jungwon: Goof

He smiles a little to himself, brushing his thumbs together as he rolls over onto his side. He waits for Jay to respond, but his replies are slower now, so Jungwon thinks that he’s falling asleep.

Jungwon: I’ll let you sleep

Jungwon: Goodnight hyung

He turns off his phone and places it on his bedside table. It doesn’t buzz again.

Jungwon sighs and gets out his laptop to watch a show. Everything will be fine, he tells himself.

It will.

ᓚᘏᗢ

Jungwon, Sunghoon and Niki all have a joint schedule the next day.

It’s good for keeping Jungwon busy, because he feels antsy every time he sits still. He’s grateful for the photoshoot because it helps his mind stay occupied as he rests his hand on Niki’s shoulder, trying his best not to blink against the flashing light of the photographer’s camera.

Sunghoon is on his other side, leaning against a few props set up in the studio. A makeup artist comes around when there’s a small break and fixes their faces before scurrying off again.

It’s second-nature only because they’ve had to do this so many times before. Jungwon keeps his brain empty and his face neutral as he tilts his head, adjusting his position when asked to. He likes following instructions. It’s easy, and it’s almost comforting to just surrender your control to someone else for a while.

Which is why Jungwon— as much as he loves being the leader— also enjoys being able to just switch off his brain and be led around in his down time. Which is also why he loves Jay’s company so much, because Jay always takes the reins so that Jungwon doesn’t even have to do a thing.

He doesn’t know why he’s thinking about Jay, right now. The camera flashes in his face again and all he can muster up in his brain is how much he misses him.

It does feel like a part of himself is gone. Like he’s looked down at his body to find that he’s suddenly missing a limb.

The photographer is saying something. Sunghoon and Niki are shifting again, so Jungwon just follows what they’re doing and allows someone else to guide him into position.

Jay hadn’t texted again after last night’s messages. But he’s probably very busy today, because the main event that he’s attending is taking place in about an hour, if Jungwon has his time zones correct.

So he doesn’t care that they haven’t texted in around twelve hours. Not at all.

The space is good, especially after everything Jungwon has realised about himself and his feelings. So maybe this is for the best. Jay will text later on, anyway.

He always does.

The photoshoot ends and they’re bustled away to film some other content together. It’s only short, so Jungwon mindlessly goes through the motions, smiling and laughing and acting like he always does.

And no one realises how he actually feels. He’s in a room full of people, with two of his closest friends next to him, but none of them are aware of his inner turmoil. Jungwon knows that that’s his own fault. It wouldn’t take much to talk to Sunghoon or Niki about his problems, but he refuses to.

By the time they finish and head outside to the car, Sunghoon is yawning.

“It’s only twelve and I’m exhausted,” he complains, putting his hands on his hips to look around. They’re standing outside the car as they wait for the staff to come out of the building. “Oh, they have a movie theatre.”

Jungwon and Niki follow his line of sight to a shopping complex with a movie theatre sign outside.

Jungwon turns to him. “You want to go?”

“I wanna go too,” Niki tells him, already getting the crumpled mask out of his pocket. “There’s that new movie… the scary one. I don’t know what it’s called.”

“Oh,” Sunghoon says, snapping his fingers. “Yeah, I know the one. Let’s do it.”

So the three of them head towards the movie theatre. Jungwon trails behind them with his hands in his pockets, listening to them talking amongst each other whilst booking the tickets on their phones. Jungwon gets out his own phone to do the same.

He’s been itching to go on it all morning. After he’s booked his ticket, he checks to see if there are any new messages from Jay.

There aren’t.

Judging by the time, he must be going to the event, so Jungwon doesn’t take offence.

That means that pictures and videos will be out soon. Jungwon makes a mental note to check once they’ve finished from the movies.

They head inside to the right screen after Sunghoon insists on stopping for snacks. Jungwon peels off his own mask and stuffs it back in his pocket as they take their seats in the back row, right in the corner, and Sunghoon precariously balances the popcorn he had grabbed on the seat divider.

“You seem antsy,” he says to Jungwon, keeping his voice low as other people start to come in. “What’s up?”

Jungwon fiddles with his phone and shakes his head. “Nothing.”

Niki leans forward in his seat so he can look at them. “He’s missing Jay hyung.”

“I’m not,” Jungwon protests, face heating up. He’s glad that they’re in the dark and that the only light is coming from the movie trailers playing on the big screen. “I’m just excited for this movie.”

Niki raises an eyebrow. “Then what’s it called?”

And Jungwon mentally slaps himself, because even though he had just booked his ticket, he had been too preoccupied thinking about Jay to even pay attention to the name. He opens his mouth and closes it like a goldfish.

“Exactly,” Niki goes on, then takes a handful of popcorn. “Hyung, just text him.”

Of course, Niki isn’t aware of Jungwon’s struggles or inner feelings, and neither is Sunghoon. But Jungwon isn’t going to tell them the truth, so he just nods. “I’ll text after the movie,” he says, placing his phone in his lap. It’s a lie.

The actual movie starts shortly after. It’s some new horror that Jungwon tries his best to pay attention to, but as it goes on he finds that his mind is elsewhere.

He subtly checks his phone only to find that he has no signal. Jungwon frowns as he tries to connect to the internet, but nothing seems to work and it just frustrates him more.

There’s a jumpscare at that moment. Jungwon yelps as the loud noise echoes through the room, causing him to drop his phone.

Sunghoon looks over at him and snickers.

“Sorry,” Jungwon whispers in embarrassment. He quickly picks up his phone and puts it away.

He won’t go on it again. Not until the movie is done.

Watching as a group of guys get chased by a man holding an axe, Jungwon exhales. He wonders how Jay is doing. If the event is going well, if he’s socialising and having fun.

He hopes that he’s having fun. He also hopes, selfishly, that he isn’t having too much fun, because Jungwon wants to be missed.

Does Jay miss him?

Jungwon gnaws on the inside of his cheek as the axe-guy swings at one of the victims, slicing through his arm, and he hopes that Jay misses him.

The movie gets a little frustrating as the group fails to escape the killer again. Jungwon bounces his knee up and down and shoves a bit of popcorn into his mouth. He hates horrors where the protagonists are just stupid and have no common sense, and that’s what this movie is full of.

The hour crawls by terribly slow. By the time the main character is being stabbed, he doesn’t even care anymore. The stupid guy brought that on himself for being too naive.

Fifteen minutes later, the credits are rolling.

“That was crazy,” Sunghoon remarks, sounding exhausted. He stretches his legs out and then his arms, letting out a strained noise that’s half-yawn and half-groan. “So much violence.”

Niki stands up and fixes his hoodie. “I hated it.”

“You’re the one who wanted to watch it.”

“Yeah, but it was shit. If that was me, I’d never get in that situation.” He slides his phone into his pocket and then reaches between them, taking a handful of the remaining popcorn to go. “Not that I ever will be.”

Jungwon stands up too and follows them out. “Who knows? Maybe you’ll end up in some random cabin in the woods one day.”

Sunghoon laughs. “Maybe they’ll send us to one to film content.”

The outside light blinds Jungwon as they step outside the dark room, back to the rest of the shopping complex. Niki and Sunghoon start talking about the logistics of the movie as Jungwon gets his phone out again, checking for any news, but nothing from Jay.

He’s being ridiculous— acting like a teenager with a high school crush, waiting for him to text back. Jay is a grown man. He’s busy. Jungwon is also busy. He’s out with two of his friends, who are walking in the direction of an arcade.

Jungwon only realises then because he’s been mindlessly following along. Apparently they had both made the decision to pop into the arcade next to the theatre, so Jungwon walks a little faster to catch up to them.

It’s not that busy inside, probably because it’s a weekday and early afternoon. So Jungwon decides to let go and have some fun.

“They have those stupid claw machines,” Niki says, pointing to one of them as he quickly walks over. He peers inside, then curls his upper lip. “Everything is ugly.”

Sunghoon comes to stand next to him, folding his arms. “I guess this is what the kids like these days.”

Jungwon smiles. He looks around, then wanders off to see the other claw machines with slightly less ugly prizes. He quickly goes over to the conversion machine and fishes out a few crumpled notes from his pocket, stuffing them into the slot before collecting some coins.

He jogs back over to Sunghoon and Niki who are prodding at the glass and holds out his hand. “Here.”

Niki grins. “You’re the best.”

It warms Jungwon’s heart to see them so happy. He lets the tension melt from his body as they both take a few coins, slotting them into the claw machine. This one is probably the one with the best one— it has toys in it instead of those dolls with the scary faces— so Niki gets into position in front of it.

Sunghoon moves to the side and presses his forehead against the glass. “I’ll tell you when to stop.”

“You don’t even know which prize I’m going for.”

He starts pushing on the handles, manoeuvring the claw until it’s over one of the small boxes. Holding his breath, Jungwon watches as the claw descends, but he’d positioned it wrong, so it just grabs at nothing and returns back up.

Niki throws up his hands in defeat. “This is rigged.”

Jungwon laughs and hands him another few coins. “Just try again. We’ve got a lot of money here.”

“I wanna try after you,” Sunghoon says to Niki, pressing his forehead back against the glass to watch again. His breath fogs up the panel as he talks. “Go a bit more to the left, this time.”

Niki ignores him. “I’m going to the right.”

“No,” Sunghoon insists. He jabs his finger at the prize. “I can see where it is. Go to the left.”

“You’re looking at it from the side, hyung,” Jungwon tells him, amused at how certain Sunghoon is about this. “Niki’s looking at it from the front so he’s right.”

“Ah.”

This time when the claw goes down, it just scrapes the edge of the box but doesn’t manage to pick it up. They all groan in frustration and Niki lightly kicks the machine, which causes all the prizes to shake inside.

“I give up.”

Sunghoon, however, swoops in and inserts two coins into it. He tries himself, going more to the left than Niki had, yet that just causes him to miss by an even greater margin.

Niki laughs at him and Jungwon pats him on the back. “You tried.”

“Why don’t you try?”

Jungwon shrugs. “I don’t want any of the prizes,” he says, right as his phone starts to buzz in his pocket. His heart lurches in his chest. “You two continue… here.” He dumps the coins into Niki’s hands and then takes out his phone.

They both shrug before going back to the machine.

Jungwon quickly goes on social media, and he is immediately met with photos and videos of Jay from the event he’s at.

And Jungwon finds himself staring at a particular photo of him in a black button-up shirt, sleeves rolled up to show off his firm forearms as he holds a drink. He’s laughing at something off camera, eyes creased and teeth on display, a few strands of hair falling at his forehead perfectly.

Sunghoon and Niki start cheering in the background, but Jungwon is too focused. He clicks on the picture. He so desperately wants to know what Jay is laughing at. Who he’s looking at with such joy in his eyes.

He’s so engrossed in the image that he doesn’t notice Niki peering over his shoulder. “Is that Jay hyung? He looks like he’s having fun.”

Jungwon jumps slightly. He doesn’t know why he feels like he’s been caught doing something embarrassing. It’s just a picture of Jay. “Yeah.”

Sunghoon moves away from the claw machine and looks over his other shoulder. He lets out a huff of breath. “He looks so awkward,” he says, pointing to the screen. “Like he doesn’t know what to do with himself.”

“He always looks like that, though.” Niki adjusts his grip on the box in his hands. “Like it’s his first day on Earth.”

“Mhm.”

Jungwon glances back down at the picture. “He looks handsome.”

Sunghoon shrugs. “I suppose.”

Opening his mouth to say more about Jay, Jungwon finally sees the box in Niki’s arms and all the thoughts fly out of his head. He turns off his phone and smiles. “You guys won?”

Niki holds it up in victory. “Yep,” he says, popping the ‘p’. It’s a box of some Lego knock-off that looks super cheap, and on the front is the picture of a car. “Should I give it to Jay hyung as a welcome back present?”

Sunghoon curls his lip. “Why does he get a present and I don’t?”

“Because you didn’t go anywhere,” Niki retorts, elbowing him lightly. He tucks the box back under his arm. “I think he’ll like it.”

Jungwon’s heart warms. He knows that Jay will be so happy to get a present from Niki, because he knows that Jay sees him as the younger brother he never had. It’s sweet. However, his smile falters as he realises that he has no present for Jay.

Is he supposed to give him one?

They don’t usually spend time apart, so he doesn’t know the etiquette of what he’s supposed to do. He has to ask. “Hyung, are you getting him a present too?”

Sunghoon shakes his head. “Nah. He should be getting me a present. He’s the one who’s gone somewhere fancy,” he jokes, folding his arms. “That’s how it works.”

But Jungwon feels hesitant. They start to slowly walk around the rest of the arcade together as he wracks his brain, trying to figure out whether he should get Jay something or not.

He doesn’t want to be too forward. What if Jay sees right through him and realises he likes him, and then everything turns weird?

So maybe no present is the best scenario. He should be casual about Jay coming back. Yeah.

But, then again, Niki is getting him a present, and Jay won’t find that weird. So why would it be any different if Jungwon got him one?

“You’re thinking hard,” Niki says, turning his neck to look at him. “Do you want the Lego instead?”

Jungwon waves his hand. “No, I don’t. Jay hyung will love it. I just…” Trailing off, he comes to a stop outside one of the game machines. The other two do the same and face him. “Should I get him something?”

Sunghoon raises an eyebrow. “Why are we acting like he’s gone off to the military? He only went for a few days.”

Jungwon gives an awkward laugh and shakes his head. “True.” His phone burns a hole in his pocket, making it hard to resist the urge to check it again. “Ah… yeah, no. You're right. It’s only been a few days.”

“You’re overthinking this, hyung.”

“I’ll just stop thinking now,” Jungwon says lightheartedly, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “Where are we going? Home?”

They all agree to go home because Sunghoon complains that his legs are hurting, and Niki says that he wants to lie in bed for five hours. When they get back and go their separate ways, Jungwon heads to his own room so he can also lie in bed for five hours.

His favourite activity.

He gets dressed into more comfortable clothes after going to the bathroom, then settles in under the blankets to watch YouTube on his laptop until the sky darkens. He doesn’t check his phone again and instead places it firmly on his bedside table faced down.

Selecting a video, Jungwon lets himself relax.

Hours blend together with no disturbances. He occasionally hears the front door open and shut as people come and go, but no one bothers him— Jungwon mindlessly focuses on the nonsense playing on his laptop as the sky darkens, until the only lightsource is the light coming from the screen.

Jay must be asleep. He can’t help but have him creep back into his mind. The hour is late where he is and he must’ve been exhausted after getting back to the hotel once the event ended, so it makes sense that Jay would be out cold.

And he still hasn’t texted.

But that’s fine because he had a busy day. If anything, Jungwon should have been the one to text. He knows that. Yet, that doesn’t mean that he will text, because Jay was the one who never answered his last message, and he doesn’t want to come across as desperate by double texting.

Jungwon gets up and pauses his video once his stomach starts to grumble.

He heads to the kitchen where Sunoo is and smiles at him, going over to the fridge.

“What are you eating?” he asks Sunoo, looking back at him on the kitchen table.

Sunoo tilts it towards him. “What Jay hyung made before he left.”

“Is it good?”

He nods, taking another bite. He covers his mouth when he speaks again. “I think there’s some more in the fridge if you want it. What have you been doing today, anyway? We’ve barely seen you.”

Jungwon grabs the container and moves towards the microwave. “I had a schedule with Sunghoon hyung and Niki,” he says, scraping the leftovers into a bowl before closing the lid again. “But we went to the cinema after and then the arcade.”

Sunoo perks up. “What did you watch?”

It’s funny, because Jungwon doesn’t even remember the name of the movie. Still. “Um… it was some horror. I forgot what it’s called.” He gives a sheepish laugh, then puts his bowl into the microwave. He turns around and leans against the counter while it’s heated up. “It was okay. I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Why?”

“It was too cheesy,” he lies, rubbing his arm as his eyes dart away. “What did you do today?”

So Sunoo starts recounting his day. Jungwon listens and hums along, adding in his own commentary as he gets his food ready to take back to his room.

“And then I got that done and came to eat,” Sunoo finishes off, setting down his glass. “But I’m gonna go back and continue playing now. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Jungwon nods and watches him get up. “Oh— I’m busy tomorrow. I won’t be home until the evening.”

Sunoo frowns. “But Jay hyung is getting home then. I thought you’d wanna be here when he does.”

In truth, Jungwon does want to be there. He wants to be the first to see Jay so he can fill up his internal Jay-meter casually and ask him all about how his trip went. But because he has to work and will finish later than the rest of them, he’ll miss that.

Jungwon has a burning question. “Are you getting him a… present?”

“Huh?” Sunoo tilts his head in confusion. “A present? Why?”

“To say welcome back.”

That makes Sunoo laugh. He puts his bowl in the sink and then scratches the back of his head. “I wasn’t planning on getting him anything. You’re scaring me… are we supposed to? No one told me.”

“No— not at all,” Jungwon quickly shakes his head. “It’s just— ah, nevermind. I’m being stupid.”

Sunoo narrows his eyes. “Tell me.”

“It’s honestly nothing,” Jungwon says, because it is nothing. He’s just overthinking this. Jay isn’t expecting a present. He isn’t expecting anything, and he never does. It’s just a work trip and he’ll probably feel bad if Jungwon gives him something along with Niki because he won’t have anything to give back. “I’ll see you tomorrow evening.”

Sunoo shrugs it off and says goodbye, then heads to the living room. Jungwon retreats back to the bedroom with his bowl and clambers into bed, placing it on his nightstand as he props himself up with his pillows.

The food is delicious. Jungwon eats it happily and silently thanks Jay in his head as he continues to watch whatever’s playing on his laptop. He manages to eat it all pretty fast as the popcorn from earlier wasn’t enough to sustain him.

Jungwon haphazardly places the empty bowl on his nightstand and lays back down, full. He stretches his legs out in the sheets and yawns.

His phone starts ringing.

Frowning, Jungwon pauses his video and blindly reaches for his phone. When he looks at the screen and sees who’s calling him, his eyes widen.

Jay.

He quickly accepts. “Hyung?”

“Jungwon,” he says, all breathy and low. It sends something warm to settle in Jungwon’s stomach. “Hi.”

“Hi,” he responds, trying to fight down the smile in his voice. He looks at the time on his laptop. “Why are you awake? It must be really late for you.”

Jay makes a noise that sounds like a groan, and there’s shuffling coming from the other end of the line. He must be in bed. “It is late.”

“Yeah…” Quietly clearing his throat, Jungwon rolls over onto his other side. He pulls his blankets up to his shoulders for warmth. “What are you doing? How was the event?”

It’s quiet for a moment. The line crackles and it’s all that Jungwon has to know that Jay hasn’t hung up. “I miss you.”

Oh.

Jungwon swallows. He feels his cheeks grow hotter as he stares ahead at his bedroom wall, phone pressed firmly against his ear. “I miss you too,” he confesses. “You’ll see me tomorrow.”

There’s another round of silence. Jungwon can sense that something is off.

So he speaks again. “Do you want me to tell the others that you’re calling? I’m sure they’d love to talk to you.”

Jay makes a low noise. “No,” he breathes out in quiet desperation. “No. Just you.”

Jungwon buries his head a little further into his pillow. “Okay.”

“Okay,” Jay repeats, satisfied. “Mm.”

The line is silent again for a minute. Jay sounds tired, like he’s one second away from passing out, and a few times Jungwon thinks that he has.

However, Jay finally speaks again. “I wanna see your face.”

Jungwon frowns. “My face? Why?” He feels self-conscious. He doesn’t want Jay to see him right now. His hair is messy, and his face is bare as he’d washed off his makeup once he came home. He doesn’t want Jay to see him like this. “Hyung, you can see my face tomorrow.”

“That’s too far…”

“You’re being ridiculous,” Jungwon smiles, lightly chastising him. “Why do you want to see my face?”

Jay pauses. For some reason, Jungwon’s smile falters, almost as if he knows that something bad is about to happen. Something life-altering and world-tilting. His heart starts to thump for no apparent reason as he waits for Jay’s response.

And it comes. “Because you make me happy,” Jay tells him, his words slightly slurred together. Alarm bells ring in the back of Jungwon’s head, like he’s at the top of a building on fire with no way down. “Seeing you just makes me happy. Did you know that?”

“Jay—”

“From I-Land,” Jay goes on, ignoring him. “Every tough day I’d ever have… it was all okay because— you. You were there, Jungwon.”

He swallows. “Hyung, what are you saying?”

Jay continues. “You’re just… I don’t know, I’m— I had a weird day, and I just wanted to see you because you’re one of those people I only have to look at to be strong.” He’s rambling, at this point. His words are all flowing into one. “And you have been that for me all these years.”

Jungwon’s fingers clench in the blankets. He wants to stop Jay from talking anymore, but he also wants to hear everything he has to say, because he’s selfish and needs to know how Jay truly feels.

“Back then—” Jay starts, then cuts himself off with what sounds like a hiccup. “Back then I didn’t… know. I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I didn’t know anything. And now I know everything and everything is too much to know, because…” He trails off, finding the words. “Because I know what I should do, but I know what I feel. And what I feel is different from what I know, and… I don’t want to live like this knowing that I can’t have what I want to have.”

Jungwon’s mind is reeling. He can barely grasp anything that Jay is saying, and it’s all too much. It’s overwhelming him. The tone in Jay’s voice and the hidden meaning in his words are too much. “You aren’t making sense. Hyung— are you drunk?”

“Yes,” Jay confesses, voice muffled slightly. “Yes, I’m drunk.”

Jungwon sits up. The blankets pool at his waist and he clutches onto his phone a little harder, eyes darting around as he tries to think of something to say to get Jay to stop. “You need to go to sleep.”

“I can’t. I can’t sleep properly,” Jay reminds him. The signal cuts off a little and then comes back. “I miss you, Jungwon.”

“You already said that,” he whispers, voice cracking. “Don’t do this, Jay.”

But Jay doesn’t seem to listen. “You asked me a few weeks ago, didn’t you? Why I can’t sleep at night these days?” he asks rhetorically, words slurring together. How much had he even drunk? “It’s just hard trying to pretend like I don’t feel.”

Jungwon thinks that he’s invading Jay’s privacy by listening, because Jay won’t remember saying any of this tomorrow, and he’s not in control of himself. He needs it to stop before Jay says something that he can’t take back. “Jay, I’m serious. You—”

“I can’t sleep because of you,” he confesses. The words come through the phone so clearly that Jungwon can’t pretend like he didn’t hear them. Dread fills his stomach. “I can’t. Because… Jungwon, I love—”

Jungwon hangs up the phone.

Silence.

He immediately presses a hand to his chest, because he finds that he can’t breathe properly. He really tries. He forces himself to take a long breath in, but when he releases it all that comes out is a wet sob.

So he buries his face in his hands and cries.

His phone is forgotten off to the side, probably on the floor because he doesn’t know where he threw it when he hung up. But Jungwon doesn’t care. His body shakes and he hyperventilates, trying to stop the tears from rolling down his face unsuccessfully.

Why? Why did Jay have to do that? Why did he have to make it real?

He decides that he needs fresh air, so he throws on a hoodie and dazedly leaves his room. No one sees him slip outside in the dark, hood up and mask on as he wraps his arms around himself, making his way down the quiet streets.

He ends up walking to the bridge that the two of them had gone to before. He finds a quiet spot towards the middle and rests his arms on the railing, looking out at the city skyline.

Jay loves him.

The realisation doesn’t slam into him. Instead, it washed over him as something akin to grief. It settles in his chest as a heavy fact close to his heart, filling up the space between his ribs until it overtakes everything else inside of him.

Everything makes sense. The quiet moments, the looks, the way Jay has treated him over the years. Jungwon had denied it as much as he could to the point where even he deluded himself into believing that it meant nothing.

But he really can’t deny it any more.

There’s a soft breeze that blows against his face, causing a few strands of hair to tickle his forehead. Jungwon’s eyes blur as he gazes at the twinkling lights reflected off the river.

It’s all harder now. Properly knowing that Jay loves him— it’s too much pressure. Jay won’t remember saying it, and Jungwon can’t remind him. Because that conversation isn’t one that he wants to have. He knows, deep down, that it would crush Jungwon’s heart.

Because Jay would probably also not want to act on his feelings. He’d want to just stay as friends for their careers, and everything would be so irreversibly changed for them both that Jungwon doesn’t think that he could live with himself.

So he has to continue like this. Because he can bear the burden by himself and carry the weight of both of their feelings on his back, but he won’t extend that burden to Jay and force him to make that difficult decision, too.

He’ll have Jay continue to think that everything is fine.

Jungwon makes that decision for them both, because he thinks that it’s the most responsible and kindest thing to do.

As much as it will hurt.

But he’s been hurting for a while, and so has Jay. But he won’t turn Jay’s hurt into something greater. Jay will get over his feelings with time if he thinks that Jungwon doesn’t like him back, and Jungwon will forever hurt inside knowing the truth.

The logic seems infallible to him.

Jungwon glances down at the dark river. He pulls his hood further up to hide his teary eyes and just stares at the endless water.

He remembers that Jay said it was ten feet deep, but Jungwon doesn’t even think that he would drown in that. His emotions and feelings are part of him, and they stretch way over ten feet.

He has another shadow of himself that is full of the weight of everything unsaid. Everything that he carries alone and refuses to share, because sharing his problems wasn’t something that was ever taught to him.

So he continues to be weighed down by himself and hopes that it’s true— that he won’t drown.

That this shadow he’s building for himself will keep his head above the water rather than drag him down.

ᓚᘏᗢ

The autumn wind hurries him along the street the next evening.

There’s a churning in Jungwon’s stomach as he walks as fast as he can, brushing his hair out of his face repeatedly as it keeps blowing in his eyes. Jungwon rushes into their dorm building, letting out a breath of relief once he’s inside.

He wonders if Jay will remember anything from that phone conversation that they had. He doesn’t think that he will, because he seemed very drunk and out of it, and Jay had texted him like normal the next day to say when his flight was.

But Jungwon remembers. He wishes that he didn’t, because everything is harder. Seeing Jay will be harder, and pretending like nothing is going on between them will be the hardest.

He pushes open the front door.

Jay had returned while he was at the company. Jungwon looks at the pair of shoes belonging to him in the hallway as he takes off his own, hearing distant chatter coming from the kitchen.

He clears his throat and smooths down his hair, checking his reflection in the mirror before casually stuffing his hands into his pockets. Jungwon walks into the kitchen and stands in the doorway.

There Jay is.

He’s laughing at something Sunghoon is saying, head slightly tilted back as the kitchen lights catch the curve of his neck and the sharpness of his jaw. The sound of his laughter flits through Jungwon’s ears and stabs at his chest, making it impossible for him to look away. Like he’s been impaled on a spike, forced to just keep his head turned in his direction.

The others are laughing too. But Jungwon stares at Jay until he catches his eye, and when Jay looks over at him and their eyes meet, he still has that residual smile on his face.

It only gets brighter when he sees Jungwon standing there.

“Wonnie,” Jay greets, beckoning him over. “You’re finally home.”

Jungwon swallows and walks over, letting the others pat him on the back and say hello. He and Jay don’t hug or do anything more than smile at each other when he comes closer, but that’s enough for Jungwon’s stomach to twist again.

“You’re the one who’s home, hyung,” Jungwon forces himself to say, leaning against the table casually. “How was your trip?”

“He was just telling us all about it. Apparently he went to this museum and… other cool places that I forgot,” Sunghoon replies instead, looking ahead at Jungwon. “Some garden thing.”

Sunoo laughs. “A botanical garden.”

“Yeah, that.”

Jay rolls his eyes. “It’s literally just a place with plants. It isn’t even that cool.” He pushes his chair out and stands, straightening out the collar of his shirt. He jerks his head towards the door and looks at Jungwon.

Jungwon gets the message. His nerves are on fire as he says bye to the others and then follows Jay out to the hallway, down to his bedroom.

He shuts the door behind him.

His throat goes dry now that they’re alone. Jungwon hates that nothing feels easy anymore. “How was it?”

Even though Jay already told the others, he still repeats it to Jungwon. He always does. “The event was cool. I don’t know if you saw the photos, but the place was really nice. The weather was great, too.”

Jungwon watches him walk across the room to the other side. “The weather here hasn’t been great.”

“Yeah, I could tell when I landed this morning,” Jay grimaces, shutting the window. He looks out of it at the darkening sky. “But, yeah. I had fun. I met some cool people, but it wasn’t the same without you guys.”

Jungwon speaks without thinking. “We missed you,” he tells him, keeping his voice steady.

Jay smiles. “I missed you too, Jungwon.” He walks away from the window again and bends down to rummage through his bag. “I got you something.”

That catches him off-guard. “You did?”

Making a small noise, Jay focuses on grabbing something. He stands back up and comes closer, holding out a small box. He hands it over. “Here.”

“What is it?” Jungwon murmurs, fiddling with it in his hands.

“Open it and find out.”

So he does. Jungwon pries open the box, lifting up the lid to reveal what’s inside even though he feels like he’s a second away from throwing up. He can’t throw up, because then Jay will think that he hates the present.

And he definitely doesn’t.

It’s a delicate bracelet. When he looks at it more closely he sees that it’s woven out of thread, with a small charm dangling from it in the shape of a little cat.

Jay speaks. “They were selling these at a market I went to with the staff,” he explains quietly, rather self-consciously. “It just reminded me of you.”

Jungwon glances up at him.

He sees the way that Jay is watching his expression carefully, as if he’s afraid that Jungwon won’t like it. He doesn’t know how Jay could ever think that he wouldn’t. He loves it because it’s thoughtful and it’s personal and it’s from him. He’d love anything from him.

“Thank you,” he breathes out, hoping that all of his swirling emotions come out in those two words. “Really. I love it.”

Jay’s shoulders slump a little in relief. “I was scared you’d think it was ugly.”

“It’s not ugly. It’s beautiful.”

Jay looks at him, his eyes flicking over Jungwon’s face as if he wants to say something. However, he must not say what he wants to, because that expression passes.

Jungwon lets him put it on his wrist and leans forward to inspect it. “Wow… they’re seriously so intricate, hyung.”

“They had a lot of handmade stuff there,” Jay says, watching Jungwon twist the bracelet around his wrist. “Maybe if we ever go there as a group I’ll take you.”

Their eyes meet and linger for a few seconds. Jungwon quickly looks away, because they shouldn’t cross over into dangerous territory. “I’m sorry I didn’t get you anything, hyung.”

Jay seems confused. “Me? Why would you get anything for me?” he asks, then shakes his head. “Don’t worry about that. I’m just happy you like the present.”

So Jungwon tries to let go of the knot in his chest and smiles.

“Hey, are you busy for the rest of the evening?” Jay asks him after a few seconds..

“Not really. Why?”

“Do you wanna go out to eat? I’ll tell you more about my trip.”

He doesn’t know what to say, for a moment. Part of him thinks that he should start to put some distance between the two of them for both of their sakes, but the other part of him is greedy and wants as much of Jay’s company as he can get.

So he decides to be greedy. Just this once.

As he sits across from Jay later on at the restaurant, Jungwon starts to feel like everything is fine.

He can be normal about Jay. He’s normal about him as he watches him order their food, smiling kindly at the waitress and thanking her before pouring water for them both. He’s normal as he listens to Jay talk about his trip and all the fun stuff he got up to, and how he missed them all and couldn’t wait to come back.

And it’s all fine. Jungwon knows that even though he loves Jay and he knows that Jay loves him back, he can very much be normal around him. Jake was wrong. He won’t miss him even when he’s here, because right now, sitting in front of Jay, he feels like he’s whole again.

Their food arrives, and Jay dishes it up. “I met someone.”

Oh.

Jungwon’s heart drops to his feet in confusion. It feels like he’s been splashed with cold water— no, it feels like he’s had his stomach ripped out and his intestines tied into knots before having them shoved back inside him.

He tries to keep his face neutral. “You met someone?”

“Yeah. No, well, not in that way,” Jay laughs, waving his hand in front of his face. “Not in a romantic way. I phrased that wrong.”

Relief floods his body. Jungwon picks up his chopsticks and gives a fake laugh along with Jay. “Then who did you meet?”

“Just one of the designers for the event. She was really friendly,” he comments, then grabs his glass of water. It leaves a ring of condensation on the table, and Jungwon traces it with his eyes. “I found out that she’s from the same city as me back home in America.”

Jungwon chews his mouthful of food, then swallows. “Maybe you both knew each other when you were kids.”

Jay tilts his head. “Maybe.”

He makes a soft noise in the back of his throat, trying to push down his next question. It comes out, anyway. “Was she pretty?”

“Yes,” Jay answers, not hesitating. He gazes ahead at Jungwon. “Yeah, she was. But… again, it wasn’t like that.” He drinks some more water, then places the glass down with a soft clink. “You don’t have to worry.”

Jungwon’s head snaps up. “Why would I worry?”

Does Jay know? Does he know that Jungwon likes him, somehow? Jungwon internally wracks his brain for any signs or hints he’s given, but—

“Because I’m not going to put the group in danger with a dating scandal,” he reassures him, cutting off Jungwon’s internal panic. “I wouldn’t do that. Plus, I didn’t like her in that way.”

“Oh, right. Yeah… good.” Jungwon coughs, then looks back at his plate. He’s barely eaten anything, so he takes another mouthful to avoid speaking again.

What Jay said is like a double-edged sword. One one hand, Jungwon is relieved that he didn’t like that woman. However, on the other hand, Jay seems like he doesn’t want to date at all.

Which is fine. Totally fine. Because Jungwon already decided that nothing is going to happen between them. It’s not like they would ever get together, because Jay doesn’t want to endanger the group himself.

Just because Jay loves him back doesn’t mean that they’ll be together. Jay would probably make the same decision as him— to do nothing about their feelings.

“I drank too much one of the nights,” Jay complains after a few minutes, once they’ve both gone back to eating properly. “And I think I blacked out.”

Jungwon’s face heats up. The dread that had been looming in the background of his mind comes to the front, settling over him. He doesn’t want to talk about that night. “Ah, yeah.”

“I saw that… I, uh, had called you,” Jay casually says, pretending to be busy with staring at the rim of his glass. “I didn’t say anything weird, did I?”

Jungwon swallows around something thick and uncomfortable.

He has two choices. He can tell Jay the truth, explain what he said and how it all made Jungwon feel. How he’s never been so confused and uncertain about anything in his life up until this point, and that he doesn’t know what to do. He can tell Jay about his own feelings, baring his soul out for him to see, waiting for Jay’s inevitable response that will probably end in a mutual “let’s not do anything about it for the sake of the group,” and Jay will start to change the way he acts around him, which will crush Jungwon’s entire heart.

Or, he can say nothing.

Because it’s okay if Jungwon is the one making the decision to be responsible, but having Jay also agree that they shouldn’t act on their feelings would just be devastating. It would be rejection. Jungwon doesn’t think he can handle that, so he chooses to keep himself safe for another day.

He can love Jay silently, and he can receive his love silently. He won’t miss Jay because nothing will change between them. Jay will always be Jay, and Jungwon will always be Jungwon.

He repeats that like a mantra to himself until he realises that he hasn’t responded. Clearing his throat, Jungwon shakes his head. “You just told me about the event,” he lies, shrugging. “And then you went to sleep. Nothing weird.”

Jay seems like a tension leaves his body. His shoulders sag in relief, and he leans back in his chair. “Okay, good. Yeah… what could I have even said that was weird, anyway?” he mumbles, laughing, but it seems forced. “The event was great, though. The venue was so pretty.”

Jungwon welcomes the conversation change. “It looked super pretty from the videos I saw online,” he comments, finishing off the last of his plate.

Jay does the same, then wipes his hands on the napkin. He gets out his phone and unlocks it. “I took, like… loads of pictures. I’ll show you,” he says, clicking on a few things. He slides it across the table to him. “Just scroll to the right.”

Picking up Jay’s phone, Jungwon looks at the screen. There are pictures of the venue, decked with fancy lights and flowers trailing along every surface, and as Jungwon scrolls more he gets to see some parts of the outside section. “So pretty…”

“Right?” he agrees, smiling. “They had these pretty flowers everywhere. I’ve never seen anything like them before.”

The flowers in the picture are a shade of baby pink, with delicate petals and yellow bulbs in the middle. “They’re beautiful. I don’t think we have them here, do we? I’ve never seen them—”

Jungwon stops talking as he swipes back to the previous photo in Jay’s gallery.

It’s the picture that he had sent Jay of himself in bed.

And Jay had saved it. Gone out of his way to save it, because photos don’t automatically save to the gallery from the app. Jungwon stares at himself in the picture with his stomach in knots.

“Wonnie?” Jay asks, looking at his face. He can’t see what he’s looking at as he’s across the table, so he’s confused. “What’s wrong?”

Jungwon quickly swipes off the photo and hands the phone back, putting on a rehearsed smile. “Nothing. I was just… admiring the flowers.” The excuse doesn’t come out easily. “It’s so nice that you got to go. I’m jealous.”

He wonders to himself what Jay did with that photo. Now, knowing that Jay loves him, makes Jungwon see things a little differently.

Had he just saved it because he thinks he’s pretty? Because he was missing him and wanted to see his face again? Jungwon’s cheeks heat up as he thinks of another possibility.

Of Jay touching himself to it. Of him thinking of Jungwon as he jerked off that night.

Jungwon isn’t stupid. He remembers the way Jay had mysteriously disappeared after he had sent the photo.

He wonders what he had thought of, exactly? Because Jungwon has never allowed his thoughts to wander off to Jay whenever he masturbates. He always just thinks of a faceless person with firm arms that hold him down and calloused fingers that tangle in his hair, pulling before gently soothing again.

But Jay. Does Jay think of him explicitly?

Not that he’d ever ask, and not that he even has the opportunity to say anything, because Jay is speaking again, completely oblivious. “Some people were allowed to pick the flowers, so—” Jay reaches into his pocket with a grimace and pulls something out. “I got one for you, but… yeah.”

Jungwon sees why he looks hesitant when he uncurls his fist, showing the small flower resting on his palm. It’s begun to dry. The pink petals have started to wilt at the edges, curling slightly like it’s begging for death to come sooner.

But it’s still beautiful. Jungwon’s insides flutter as he reaches out and takes it. “For me?”

“For you,” Jay confirms quietly. “The pink is the same colour as your cheeks.”

It hurts as much as it warms his heart. Jungwon feels like he’s being stabbed by something beautiful and sharp, like Jay is twisting a knife deep into him with each word he says. Because Jay is just made out of love. He is love. In its purest, more unashamed form. An angel, Jungwon thinks. He looks him in the eyes and sees the love swirling in his irises, like he has so much inside of him that he has to give.

Jungwon feels guilty.

But he also does feel loved. He thinks back to his conversation with Jake. How Jake had told him how he was allowed to be selfish. So Jungwon decides that he will be selfish, because he will continue to receive Jay’s love and affection without giving it a name, because he’s a coward faced with the prospect of rejection if he does.

“I love it,” he whispers, looking down at the delicate thing. It’s so fragile. A second away from crumbling into dust if he moves it too much. Maybe a day away until the pink fades completely. But Jungwon doesn’t care, because it’s beautiful right now. “I know what it was supposed to look like, so that’s all that matters.”

Their eyes meet when Jungwon glances up. The churning of his stomach still hasn’t settled, and the noise in his head only seems to be getting stronger, but when he looks at Jay, the outside world fades a little.

Jay smiles at him, all soft and warm. His eyes crinkle slightly and his head tilts in that way it always does whenever he looks at Jungwon. “Then I’m happy.”

And Jungwon thinks that he can try to be happy, too.

They walk back together in the dark. When Jungwon gets to his room for the night, he places the small flower in a glass of water next to his bed.

Hopefully it lasts.

ᓚᘏᗢ

They’re sent on vacation to film a vlog for two days.

It comes at the right time, Jungwon thinks, because he’s decided to be happy again. Maybe this will be a good way to unwind by just having fun with all the members.

He and Jay can go back to normal.

He stretches out once he gets out of the coach with everyone else, his legs stiff and cramping. He groans and leans against Jake’s side in case he topples over.

Jake laughs and steadies him. “It was only a two hour ride, Wonnie.”

“I’m getting old…”

“If you’re old then what am I?” Jay lightly chastises as he walks by them, slinging his bag over his shoulder.

Jake pretends to kick him in the ass.

They all laugh and head inside.

The house that they’re staying in is huge— Jungwon looks around in wonder as the staff mic them up and give them a few instructions, so he quickly drags his gaze away from the large dining table and instead pays attention to what they’re saying.

After that, they’re left to themselves to explore.

“I call dibs on the biggest bedroom—” Niki calls before racing up the stairs.

And because the rest of them also want the biggest bedroom, they all chase after him. Jungwon almost trips and falls on the stairs, then almost exposes Heeseung’s ass because he grabs onto his pants for support, but they eventually make it to the first floor in one piece.

Only to find that they will all be sharing one room.

“Then… I call dibs on the biggest bed,” Niki says, changing his mind. He goes over to one of them and throws his cap down.

Jungwon looks around the room. “Why don’t we do, like, rock paper scissors? To decide the rest?”

Sunoo looks uncertain. “But I have bad luck and I’ll end up sharing with someone who snores.” He pointedly looks at Sunghoon who just grins.

“But we’ll all be hearing the snoring,” Jake adds. “Plus, Jay-ah literally has the worst luck here.”

Jay shrugs and doesn’t deny it.

They settle on rock-paper-scissors. Heeseung gets the single bed while Jungwon has to share with Niki. He’s fine with that— Niki’s a good sleeper, so he feels lucky to have gotten him rather than anyone else.

“Should we start making lunch?” Sunghoon asks.

They all turn to Jay, who blinks. “Does that mean I’m on lunch duty?”

“Unless you want us to burn the place down.”

“Hey, I’m not a bad cook,” Jake insists as they head back to the ground floor. “I wouldn’t burn anything down.”

Jay snorts. “So you cook, then.”

“No.”

Jay rolls his eyes and begrudgingly heads to the kitchen to get started on the preparation. Jungwon hesitates, torn between following him in or following the others who decide to go outside.

Jungwon chooses to go outside.

The weather isn’t that good. Clouds hang heavily in the air and there’s a slight chill to the breeze that wasn’t there a month ago. He smiles at Jake who is crouched by the sliding doors, looking at a cat curled under one of the chairs.

He sees Sunoo walking further off with Heeseung and Niki, going along the perimeter of the huge garden, but Jungwon doesn’t think he should disturb them. He instead walks around the side of the house, peering into the kitchen through the glass doors to see Jay at the fridge, grabbing something out of one of the drawers.

“What’re you looking at?” Sunghoon asks him.

Jungwon jumps. He turns to him, finding that he’s lying down on a sunlounger by the pool with one eye open to look at him. Even though it isn’t even sunny in the slightest. “I’m wondering if Jay hyung needs help.”

Sunghoon opens his other eye. Gazing past Jungwon towards the glass door, he watches Jay, too. “I can’t be bothered to get up. Why don’t you go and help?”

And Jungwon knows that they’re being filmed, so he feels like he can’t refuse. It would just cause more questions than necessary.

He nods at Sunghoon and smiles brightly, before heading inside. Toeing off his shoes, he pads over towards the open-plan kitchen.

Jay raises his head from what he was doing— patting dry some slabs of meat— and his expression brightens slightly. “Hey.”

“Hi.” Jungwon comes to stand in front of the kitchen island, trying to act normal. He fiddles with his sleeve. “Hyung, do you need any help?”

Picking up the large knife, Jay hums to himself. “Could you wash the vegetables?”

Jungwon agrees easily.

They move together quietly as Jungwon gathers the vegetables, going over to the sink to carefully wash them all. He takes his time, every so often glancing back over his shoulder to watch Jay cut the meat with the knife in his hands.

He watches as his back moves under the thin fabric of his shirt. Jungwon has the urge to rest his head between Jay’s shoulder blades and soak up his warmth, but that wouldn’t be normal and he doesn’t want the world seeing that.

“Done?” Jay calls from over his shoulder, snapping him out of his thoughts.

Jungwon quickly dries them off and brings them to the counter, placing them down in front of Jay. “Done.”

Thanking him softly, Jay rummages through one of the drawers, trying to find something.

Jungwon shifts on the spot awkwardly, his hands hanging by his sides. “Should I chop them while you cook the meat?”

Jay stands up straighter again with a clean knife. “Mm… it’s okay. I’ve got it,” he reassures him, moving past Jungwon with a gentle hand on his lower back. “I don’t want you hurting yourself.”

“Then should I do something else?”

“Here—” Jay says, putting the knife down again to grab a few ingredients. He hands them to Jungwon. “Mix these in a bowl. Just the usual amount.”

Satisfied that he’s at least going to be doing something to help out, Jungwon gets to work. Jay’s presence next to him is steady and warm, fighting back the chill that drifts in whenever someone opens the door and comes inside.

Niki wanders over after five minutes, looking bored. “Is it almost ready, hyung?”

“Why don’t you go set the table?” Jay tells him, nodding his head in the direction of the plates. “And call someone to help you. Go on.”

So Niki begrudgingly goes back outside again to drag Jake with him. Neither of them look too enthusiastic as they lightly bicker, grabbing enough plates between them before heading towards the indoor dining table.

Jungwon smiles after them, watching them go.

“Oh, hyung,” Jungwon says once he’s finished, leaning his hip against the counter. He watches Jay’s skilled fingers as they work on seasoning the meat. “There’s a pool outside. Did you see it?”

“A pool?”

“It’s pretty big,” he tells him, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “But… the air is too cold outside to swim. It would be better if it was inside.”

Jay raises his eyebrows and nods, still working on the meat. “Maybe the water’s heated?”

“They can do that?”

“Yeah, heated pools.”

Jungwon thinks to himself. It makes sense. Heated water is normal and a thing they have everyday. But he doesn’t understand the logistics of it. “How does it get heated?

Jay wipes his hands on a towel. “There’s, like… a thermostat in the pool that helps it maintain a specific temperature. And I don’t know properly, but I think that the water gets… filtered, or something,” he explains, transferring the meat onto a dish so he can take it out to be barbecued. “Like in a system that puts the heated water back into the pool.”

Jungwon follows him outside, listening along even though. “That sounds expensive.” He shoves his feet back into his shoes and then trails after Jay towards the grill.

“It probably is.”

“Hey guys,” Jake greets, rounding the corner. “They have a lake around the back.”

Jay knowingly looks over at him. “Are you actually gonna catch a fish this time?”

Jake rolls his eyes. “Oh, for sure. Just wait and see,” he insists, coming to stand by Jungwon. He peers over at the meat that Jay is cooking. “Smells good. Hey— don’t overcook it again.”

“I never overcook it.”

“You were the one who overcooked it last time,” Jungwon says to Jake with a small laugh, eyes crinkling.

But Jake just waves them off and starts walking in the direction of the door. “Don’t take too long.”

Jay huffs to himself once he’s gone, flipping the meat with metal tongs. “I bet he didn’t even set the table.”

Jungwon laughs and comes a little closer, standing beside Jay to properly watch him cook. Even though he isn’t helping out himself. He should really just go inside and find the others because it’s cold out here and he isn’t contributing anything, but the bigger part of him wants to stay.

“I’m sure he did, hyung. He’s reliable.”

And Jay seems to hold back whatever he wants to say because there’s a camera set up right in their faces, which just amuses Jungwon even more.

Eventually, Jay finishes and they take the food inside. Or, rather, Jay takes it inside and Jungwon trails behind him.

Everyone is already sitting down when they come over. The plates are passed around and they all thank Jay before eating.

The meal goes well.

Jungwon talks and laughs with them all as wine is poured freely— Sunghoon accidentally spills some down his shirt which prompts the others to tell him to take it off, but Jungwon quickly stops him because then all the footage will have to be scrapped.

“Then I don’t want to be on washing up duty,” Sunghoon says, picking out a mushroom to pop into his mouth. “Because I need to go and wash myself.”

“You’re making excuses,” Jay complains.

“But I literally did it the other day, anyway.”

Sunoo places his glass down. “I don’t want to do it because my wrist hurts.”

“Your wrist was literally fine when we were playing frisbee earlier,” Heeseung says to him, amused. Jungwon assumes they played when they were outside. “Why don’t we rock-paper-scissors it?”

Niki huffs. “I’m bad at rock-paper-scissors.”

“It’s literally a game of luck?”

“Let’s pull sticks,” Jungwon suggests, reaching over to grab some of the skewer sticks from the table. He snaps two in half to make them shorter. “But excluding Jay hyung, of course. He’s the one who cooked.”

He doesn’t exclude himself, because he barely did anything at all.

Jay looks grateful. “Someone with common sense, thank you.”

“But me and Jake hyung set the table,” Niki complains, eyeing the sticks in Jungwon’s hand.

Ignoring him, Jungwon holds out his hand and makes it look like all the sticks are the same length. They all take turns pulling a stick out, one by one, until Sunghoon gets the first short stick.

They all laugh and clap, watching as his face crumbles and he slides down his chair. “This isn’t fair.”

“Suck it up,” Jay tells him, sitting back with his arms folded as he watches in amusement. “I think Sunoo’s gonna get the other one.”

Sunoo sends him a glare and pulls a stick out of Jungwon’s grip. But it’s long.

He cheers and chucks it in Jay’s direction, who jokingly lifts his hand at him. Jungwon is left with the only other short stick, which means that he has to wash up with Sunghoon.

Great.

None of them tease him about it as they had with Sunghoon. Instead, they pat him on the back sympathetically as they stand up from their chairs to slip out of the room.

Jay drains the rest of his wine and then stands too. “Just make Sunghoon do it all,” he whispers to Jungwon on his way past him. His hand brushes his hip, sending a shiver down Jungwon’s spine.

With that, he leaves.

Jungwon subtly turns away from the camera to hide the flush growing high on his cheeks. He coughs and then starts gathering the plates with Sunghoon, stacking them up to take over to the kitchen counter.

He busies himself with throwing the dirty tissues in the trash, trying to will the feeling of Jay’s hands on him away.

Because Jay had done it earlier too. When they were in the kitchen, placing a hand on his lower back to move past him. Jungwon doesn’t want to let those kinds of thoughts creep back into his mind after he’s been doing such a good job at keeping them at bay for the past week.

He furiously scrubs at the plate in his hands. Sunghoon glances over at him. “You must really hate that dish.”

“Huh?”

“I think it’s clean, Won-ah,” he tells him, pointing to it. And, sure enough, the plate is spotless. “Come on, let’s just quickly do the rest and go up.”

Jungwon makes a soft noise of agreement and puts it on the rack.

It takes them ten minutes to finish. Sunghoon wipes the table clean as Jungwon hangs about, waiting for him to finish before they go upstairs together.

“I’m gonna go and shower,” Sunghoon tells him, patting him on the back. “Give me five minutes.”

Jungwon nods and lets him go. But five minutes is crazy. He himself takes ages in the shower, but that’s probably because he just stands there for ages and lets the water soothe his aching muscles.

Sunghoon must not do the same.

Not everyone is in the bedroom when he pokes his head around. Sunoo is in there, lying on his back with his phone in front of his face, and Niki is in another one of the beds doing the same.

“Where are the others?” Jungwon asks them.

Sunoo looks over. “No idea. But I’m sleepy.”

“It isn’t even late,” Niki mumbles, typing away on his phone. Jungwon wonders who he’s texting. He puts it down finally. “I wanna go fishing. Where are Jake and Sunghoon hyung?”

“Sunghoon hyung just got in the shower, but I’m not sure about Jake hyung.”

“Who’s talking about me?” Jake asks, appearing behind him. Jungwon jumps and spins around, earning a laugh. “Sorry. Hey, Niki-yah, let’s go outside. Just bang on the door and tell Sunghoon to join us.”

Jungwon steps to the side to let Niki bound out after him.

Sunoo goes back to his own phone. “Finally, some peace.”

So Jungwon decides to let him be. He leaves the room again and decides to explore the first floor some more, peeping into each of the rooms. He gets to the gym that has glass walls and a view of the lake, squinting his eyes to spot two figures on the pier in the dark.

Jungwon smiles to himself and sits on a bench, watching as Jake and Niki keep getting their lines tangled together. He can’t hear them or properly see their faces as the sun has dipped below the horizon, but the lights from the house let him make them out enough to read their body language.

After a bit, another figure— Sunghoon— approaches them with his own fishing rod. The three of them stand on different ends of the pier and struggle to cast their lines into the water.

Jungwon props his chin on his palm and spends about ten minutes just watching them. It’s rather relaxing, to be honest. None of them are good and they keep getting tangled. Jungwon hears Jake exclaim when he thinks he’s caught something, only for the other two to break out into laughter when they peer over.

He assumes that he didn’t actually catch a fish.

“Oh— sorry,” someone says behind him, and Jungwon looks through the reflection of the glass to see Heeseung walk into the room. “Are you using the equipment?”

Jungwon turns around and stands. “I was watching them,” he says, pointing out to where they’re all still fishing.

Heeseung follows his finger and then smiles, seeing what he’s talking about. He shakes his head fondly and then grabs his water bottle, placing it on the bench. “I’ll watch them as I work out.”

“At this time of night?”

“I wanna test the treadmill,” he shrugs, going over to it. He turns it on with a beep. “You’re welcome to stay. But I’ll probably start sweating.”

Jungwon wrinkles his nose and decides to continue exploring. So he says goodbye, giving one last glance outside to see that Sunghoon is now shoving at Jake’s shoulder whilst Niki laughs.

He heads back out to the hallway and passes by the bathroom, seeing that the door is locked again. Judging by the fact that Sunoo is still in the bedroom, Jungwon assumes that it’s now Jay in there.

Jungwon decides to go and pester Sunoo out of boredom.

“Hyung,” he starts, flopping down onto the bed that he’s going to share with Niki. “What are you doing?”

Sunoo tilts his phone in his direction to show him a YouTube video playing. “Where’s everyone else? I swear we should be getting into bed at this time to end the video footage for today.”

Jungwon huffs. “Should I go and ask someone?”

Sunoo nods, so Jungwon gets up and heads downstairs to find a member of staff.

They eventually all get into bed to film the last bit of the day, before they get their mics off and the cameras are covered.

And after sitting around and talking for a little more with the added privacy, they fall asleep for real after about thirty-minutes.

Jungwon watches as Jay slides on his eyemask before rolling over to pull the blankets over himself.

He drifts off pretty quickly.

He wakes up in the middle of the night, for some reason.

Jungwon groggily checks his phone, seeing that it’s a little after three am. He glances around the room because something feels off.

Sure enough, Jay isn’t in his bed anymore. He’s gone.

Jungwon sits up quietly. He tries his best not to disturb Niki, who is still sleeping peacefully beside him, and rises to his feet to pad silently out of the room.

Maybe he’s in the bathroom? But the door is open and no one is in there. So he peers into all of the rooms only to be met with emptiness and more silence, causing Jungwon to become a little worried.

He heads downstairs. Luckily none of the stairs creek on his way down, because the last thing he’d want is to wake everyone else in the house up. Jungwon makes his way through the living room before spotting the pool lights on outside.

Slipping on his shoes, he slides open the glass door.

And there he is.

He sits at the edge of the pool, legs in the water with his pants rolled up. Jay’s eyes widen slightly and he turns to the source of the noise, only to be met with Jungwon who rounds the corner.

“Hyung,” Jungwon starts, wrapping his arms around himself. “What are you doing out here? It’s cold.”

Jay pats the space next to him. “The water really is heated. It’s nice. Come join me.”

Hesitantly, Jungwon trudges over before slipping off his shoes and socks. He rolls up his pyjama pants too, then dips his feet in.

“Oh,” he breathes, feeling the water’s warmth touch his skin. “It’s so warm.”

“Nice, right?”

He nods and slides the rest of his legs in, scootching a little closer to Jay so he can share his upper body warmth. He idly kicks his legs in the water and looks down, seeing them illuminated by the pool lights below.

Jungwon doesn’t need to ask Jay why he’s awake. He knows why because of that drunk call.

“The house is so cool,” Jay exhales, leaning back on his arms. “It’s better than the one we went to last time, isn’t it?”

“Much better. Even the pool is better.” Jungwon glances up at the clouded sky. “I wish we could see the stars, though.”

Jay looks up with him, then makes a noise. “I guess it’s just becoming winter.”

Jungwon nods to himself. He closes his eyes against the chilly breeze and lets the water surrounding his legs warm up his blood.

“But it’s a shame that we’re only here for two days,” Jay continues, reaching down to dip his hand into the pool. “Even three days would have been a lot better.”

He’s right. Two days is barely any time for them to ‘rest’. But it’s still nice, anyway, and Jungwon is grateful to have the opportunity to come here with his friends in the first place.

He can feel Jay watching him from his peripheral vision. Jungwon swallows but doesn’t turn to face him, instead staring down into the water. “Stop looking at me,” he mumbles.

Jay blinks. “Why can’t I look at you?”

“Because,” Jungwon states, not knowing what to even say. “Because.”

That gets a soft laugh out of Jay. “Because,” he repeats.

Jungwon lets his legs float. He watches them get distorted through the water, focusing his gaze on them instead of doing something stupid like turning to Jay and kissing him. Because Jay would kiss him back, and then Jungwon doesn’t know what would happen to them after that.

So he does the only rational thing he can think of and pushes Jay into the pool.

He falls in with a yelp and a loud splash, sending water flying towards Jungwon. And Jungwon laughs, watching with joy as Jay emerges from under the surface looking like a wet cat, hair clinging to his forehead and shirt plastered to his chest.

His joy doesn’t last for long, though, because then Jay grabs his ankle and yanks him in with him.

“That’s what you get,” Jay says, digging his fingers into Jungwon’s sides to tickle him under the water. He listens to the sounds of his laughter and it increases the grin on his face. “Trying to drown your poor hyung.”

Jungwon gasps and finally manages to kick him away, floating back. His feet barely graze the bottom of the pool as they’re in the deeper end, so he has to tilt his chin up to stay afloat. “Do you think anyone heard that?”

Jay takes hold of his wrist and tugs him towards the shallower end so he can stand properly, his hand enveloping the bracelet on Jungwon’s wrist. “Nah. They all sleep like logs.”

Jungwon coughs and gets a little bit of water out of his lungs. “You’re evil, hyung.”

“You did it to me first.”

Pouting, Jungwon flicks water at his face. Jay laughs and flinches, then does it back to him.

The illuminated water reflects onto Jay’s face, highlighting every angle of his face— the sharpness of his browbone, the slope of his nose, the line of his jaw— and Jungwon can’t look away.

He watches as a droplet runs down his neck before falling back into the water.

“Stop looking at me,” Jay murmurs, teasingly repeating Jungwon’s words from a minute ago.

Jungwon pretends to find him annoying. He flicks more water at his face and then launches himself at him when Jay dodges, dunking Jay’s head under the surface for a second. Hands grab at his shirt, then find purchase around his waist, pulling him down with him.

He quickly holds his breath.

The water rushes into his ears, plunging everything into a hazy silence. But in his surprise he had forgotten to close his eyes.

He blinks, finding that Jay is looking back at him with his hair floating around him. And it’s like time pauses for a second, like they’re in some little bubble of space away from the outside world, away from everything that could ever hurt them.

So Jungwon lets himself look.

His eyes start to sting and his lungs start to burn from the effort of holding his breath, but he isn’t even focused on that at all. Instead, he’s focused on the way that Jay reaches out slowly, knuckles brushing against Jungwon’s cheek.

He hadn’t realised how close they had become. Jungwon lets Jay touch his face. In turn, he raises his own hand, dragging it through the water so he can run his fingertips along Jay’s jawline.

It feels strange, touching someone underwater. So warm. And Jungwon associates Jay with warmth, so he feels like he’s just surrounded by him, soaking him into his skin. Because the world feels different, for a second, and for that small second, Jungwon feels like he could do something brave.

But then the air in his lungs runs out just as he’s about to close the small gap between them.

The bubble bursts when Jungwon breaks back up through the surface. His hearing returns with full force, sending all the sounds of the outside world rushing back to his ears, along with the cold breeze that blows into him.

He gasps for air, blinking back the sting in his eyes that isn’t just from the chlorine. He doesn’t look as Jay comes up for air too.

They both catch their breaths. Jungwon wipes his face and pushes his hair out of his face, adjusting his shirt so that it doesn’t cling to his skin so uncomfortably. He feels so uncomfortable. The cold air hits his damp body and causes him to shiver.

The loss of warmth comes with a debilitating cold. It makes Jungwon feel like he should have never experienced that warmth in the first place, because everything hurts more when it’s gone.

Jay speaks after coughing twice. “It’s freezing.”

“Mm,” Jungwon hums, turning back to look at him. “Should we go inside?”

“Yeah.”

They both wade to the side of the pool, hauling themselves up. Jungwon’s clothes feel so heavy as they’re water-logged, so he sits and wrings them out as well as he can.

He winces. “If we take showers will the others wake up?”

Jay shakes out his wet hair. “I don’t know. I just really wanna have a shower,” he laughs softly, offering Jungwon a hand to pull him up. “They’ll manage.”

Jungwon takes his hand, feeling Jay’s calloused fingers against the soft skin of his wrist. He lets himself be pulled up. “Can I go first please? I’ll be quick.” he hesitantly asks, not knowing if he can stand being cold for any longer.

Easily nodding, Jay ushers him inside.

When Jungwon stands under the spray of the shower five minutes later, he exhales deeply.

The warmth of this water doesn’t feel the same.

ᓚᘏᗢ

“You totally just cheated—”

Jungwon laughs, elbowing Niki who is trying to jam his fingers into his controller to sabotage him. He quickly shifts on the bed, trying to hide behind Jay to avoid him. “Hyung, I’m being bullied.”

He’s sitting with Jake, Niki and Jay in one of the bedrooms the following week, playing some pvp on the console. Except Jake and Niki keep kicking their asses because they’re somehow ten times better than them.

Jay tuts lightheartedly and shifts in front of Jungwon to protect him from Niki’s fingers. “Niki’s just jealous because you and me are better than him and Jake.”

A blatant lie.

Jake sticks his tongue out at him but doesn’t pull his gaze away from the screen. His character is beating up Jay’s character, punching him repeatedly in the head as Jay yelps and tries to punch him back.

Niki laughs loudly. “You’re shit.”

“Language,” Jay warns, but he doesn’t seem like he actually cares. His lips purse in concentration. “Jungwon-ah, I’m dying.”

Jungwon snaps his gaze away from him and glances at the screen again, quickly moving his own character. He tries his best to kill Jake and Niki but he’s too late.

The game over screen flashes.

Jay groans and throws his controller down onto the bed as the other two cheer, high-fiving with grins on their faces. Jungwon laughs along.

“Best of three?” Jay asks, trying to salvage his dignity.

Niki yawns and stretches up. “Nah, let’s leave it on a high,” he decides, standing up. “I’m gonna go get some food. Anyone want some?”

The three of them shake their heads and let him go.

Jake collapses back onto the bed, arms raised above his head as he does. Jay looks over and his upper lip curls in disgust. “No one wants to see your armpits.”

“Maybe Jungwon does,” Jake retorts, kicking him.

Jungwon grimaces. “I’m good…”

Jake shrugs bonelessly and sits up to grab the controller again. “Does anyone wanna duo with me?”

Jay picks up his as well. “Sure.”

So Jungwon lays back down and watches them play. The room is dimly lit as it’s the evening, and there’s the smell of something delicious in the air as someone had just ordered some food. Beer bottles litter the desk and Jungwon lets his eyes fall on them, watching as the light from the screen reflects in the glass.

He’s lying with his head next to Jay’s lap. Glancing up, he studies his focused expression and the way that his eyebrows twitch together slightly in the middle. His lips form over the curses he’s spewing at Jake as they elbow each other, fingers working over the controller’s buttons quickly.

Jungwon stares at Jay’s fingers. He’s always been good with his fingers— he literally plays the guitar— so Jungwon can’t help but be mesmerised by how fast they move.

The veins in his forearms are visible in the low lighting as he tenses. His jaw looks so sharp, defined from the angle, and his skin is so smooth and golden that Jungwon can’t look away.

Jay must notice him staring because he glances down, meeting his eyes. He smiles. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Jungwon startles, averting his eyes. He focuses back on the screen to find that Jake is setting up another round. “You lost again?”

“I’m bad at games,” Jay explains with a self-deprecating laugh. He takes one hand off the controller to thread through Jungwon’s hair, lightly ruffling it. “Do you wanna play?”

“I like watching.”

“Jay,” Jake calls, nudging him. “It’s started.”

Giving Jungwon’s scalp one last light scratch, Jay returns back to the screen.

Jungwon lays there and watches the characters on screen beat each other up until he grows drowsy. He hadn’t had anything to drink, himself. It was only Jay and the others who had a little, yet Jungwon feels his eyelids grow heavier.

So he drifts in and out of consciousness. He falls asleep but then jerks back awake whenever Jay makes a noise or Jake jumps, jostling the bed. Jungwon repeats that cycle for a while, he doesn’t even know how long, before his eyes shut and stay shut.

Five minutes later, Jay pulls him slightly so that Jungwon can rest his head in his lap. The soft fabric of Jay’s grey sweatpants presses against his cheek, and the smell of sandalwood and something distinctively Jay fills his nose.

It’s all so warm.

Jungwon keeps his eyes shut, feeling sleepier now that he’s comfortable.

“You seriously indulge him,” Jake mumbles under his breath, between the clicking of buttons. Jungwon doesn’t open his eyes but listens, heart beating faster.

He feels the muscles in Jay’s thigh slightly tense. “So?”

“So,” Jake drawls, “we don’t see you doing this with anyone else. You really think he doesn’t know the truth?”

Jay stiffens. “Be quiet.”

“He’s sleeping.”

Jungwon isn’t sleeping. He feels guilty listening to what seems to be a private conversation, but it’s too late now to tell them that he’s not actually asleep. So he stays quiet and still.

Jay clears his throat softly. “I don’t want him knowing, anyway.” He must’ve stopped playing the game, because Jungwon can’t hear any sounds of the controller being pressed. Just someone’s character dying. “You know that. Don’t make me regret telling you.”

There’s a scoff. “You didn’t even tell me. I have eyes. I figured it out myself.”

“You’re nosey.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Jake grunts, and a booming voice from the screen shouts ‘victory!’. “Talking to you is like… trying to get blood out of a stone, or something. You’re lucky I forced you to talk about your emotions before you internally combusted from bottling it all up.”

Jungwon almost flinches as fingers thread in his hair, Jay’s hand coming to rest on top of his head again. “I wasn’t going to combust.”

“You totally were.”

“I was not.”

Jake huffs. “Because walking around with a permanent scowl for ages and snapping at everything is totally normal, you’re right,” he snides, but it isn’t cruel. More fed up. “And you still haven’t told me about what crawled up your ass and died during your trip.”

Jay exhales above him. He twirls Jungwon’s hair around his index finger, the sensation sending shivers along his spine. He waits with baited breath for what Jake is about to say. Because, to Jungwon, Jay hasn’t seemed like he’s been in a mood since he came back.

But maybe that’s because Jungwon has been too busy managing his own feelings to the point where he didn’t notice Jay’s. Or maybe Jay just doesn’t show that side of himself to him.

Jay bounces his knee before realising that he doesn’t want to accidentally wake Jungwon, so he quickly stops and apologetically brushes his knuckles over his cheek. “Nothing crawled up my ass and died.”

“Liar.”

“Fine,” Jay relents, snapping. “Fine, fuck. What do you want me to even say?”

Jake huffs. “Tell me what happened. I know something happened.”

Jungwon’s stomach twists as he prepares himself for whatever is coming. He doesn’t know why he thinks it’ll be something bad. What bad thing could Jay have even done while he was gone?

“There was someone,” Jay starts, dropping his voice lower. “This woman at the event, and then at the after party. I could tell she liked me, but I just… I couldn’t. So I said no. And it's so stupid, because—” He cuts himself off. “I feel like I’m spending my life hung up over someone who doesn’t feel the same. Like I’m some… teenager with a hopeless crush. God. It’s pathetic, isn’t it?”

The admission hangs heavily in the air. Jungwon remembers Jay talking about that woman when they went out for dinner, but he didn’t know that she actually approached him like that.

Didn’t know that Jay rejected her for him.

And the guilt is unbearable. It eats away at his insides, turning into something ugly that rests as a heavy ball in the pit of his stomach.

“It’s not pathetic,” Jake murmurs, and Jungwon is eternally grateful that Jake hasn’t told Jay about how he feels. That he can trust him to keep it a secret.

“It is,” he insists, “because then I started thinking about it more, and I drank too much that night. And I don’t— I’m not even sure what happened, but I woke up the next day with my phone in my hand, with Jungwon being the last person I had called.”

Jake sucks in a breath. “You drunk called him? Dude.”

“I don’t know what the fuck I said to him,” Jay whispers. His hand has stilled, fingers just threaded in Jungwon’s hair. “I was so scared that I told him that I— I love him, or something. But… he said I didn’t. I was so relieved.”

There’s a brief silence.

Jungwon wants the ground to swallow him whole. He wants to beat himself up for making Jay feel like this. He wants to go back in time and never hear this conversation— hell, he wants to go back a few years and make sure that Jay never fell in love with him in the first place.

It would be easier that way.

However, Jungwon would still love him. And it would still hurt. Maybe Jay would always love him back, though, because maybe there isn’t a single universe where he doesn’t. Maybe they are both two flowers that grow from the same stem, or two cats that they see sitting outside the dorm with their tails intertwined. Maybe, even, Jay is the sun, and Jungwon knows that he can’t live without him.

But beautiful things always end. Flowers quickly die, and cats don’t always return to each other. The sun’s light doesn’t last forever. Neither do the stars, or the rain, or the trees, or anything living and breathing.

Yet, Jungwon thinks that his love for Jay would last longer than anything else, because it’s so interwoven in his very soul. Every fibre of his body, each muscle and sinew of his heart is for him. Just him.

So that would last forever. Even in decay, when he has become one with the earth, because the plants that grow over him will innately sing the name Jay.

“You’re only going to hurt yourself more if you keep up like this,” Jake says, dragging Jungwon out of his thoughts. “You’re torturing yourself.”

Jay shrugs. “It’s worth it.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah,” he breathes, and Jungwon can tell that he’s looking down at him. “I get to be close to him. I don’t… expect anything in return. My feelings are my own problems, and I’m working on them.”

“Keep telling yourself that.” The bed jostles as Jake stands up. “But if that’s your decision, fine.”

“Is it,” Jay tells him. The noise stops as the screen is switched off, making the room a little darker through Jungwon’s eyelids.

Jake hums under his breath.

He murmurs something that sounds like goodbye before the door creaks open and shut again. But Jay doesn’t move, just stays still under Jungwon and continues stroking through his hair.

Jungwon enjoys it while it lasts. He knows that the second he opens his eyes, things will go back to normal and he’ll have to get off his lap and into his own bed.

He blindly presses his face further into the material of Jay’s sweatpants and tries to calm his racing heart. He inhales him and resists the urge to bury closer, wanting to merge the two of them together until they’re one.

Jay goes still under him as Jungwon shifts his head in his lap. He coughs, hands hovering above Jungwon’s face.

And Jungwon is confused for a moment until he feels something starting to poke against his cheek.

Oh.

Jay is getting… hard.

Is it too suspicious if he suddenly jolts awake now? Probably. Jungwon doesn’t know what to do and instead tries to subtly shift away, but he must make it worse because Jay softly groans.

“Jungwon,” he whispers, prodding him.

So Jungwon pretends to blink awake, stretching out before sitting up straighter. He avoids looking at the tent growing in Jay’s pants. How the hell did he get hard so easily?

Jay shifts and grabs a pillow from the bed, putting it on his lap. “Sleep well?”

“Yeah,” Jungwon croaks out, then clears his throat and tries again. “Yes, I, uh… didn’t realise I fell asleep.”

He hates lying to Jay, but he feels like he has no other choice in this scenario. Neither of them address the pillow or the way Jay’s eyes dart to the side, avoiding looking at Jungwon properly.

“Where’s Jake hyung gone?” Jungwon asks to change the subject, reaching up to smooth down his hair.

Jay finally looks at him. “To bed, probably. It’s kinda late.” He shifts further onto the mattress, pulling the pillow with him. “I think I’m gonna do the same, Wonnie. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

Liar.

Jungwon knows that he’s a liar. Jay is hard, so he won’t go to bed. He’ll probably end up with his hand down his pants and around his dick as he strokes himself thinking about Jungwon.

Something hot runs through his veins. The atmosphere in the room is so intimate and warm, Jungwon feels as though whatever happens in here would just be a product of that. Like he’s barely in control of himself.

Jay notices that he hasn’t gotten up immediately and nervously laughs. “Jungwon, I’m tired.”

He has the urge to test Jay. To get him to admit that he’s hard. Jungwon so desperately wants to make him remove the pillow from his lap and show him, but Jungwon also knows that it would be unfair on Jay to get him to do that.

So he reins himself in and puts on a soft smile. “Okay, hyung. I’ll go to my room.”

Jay smiles back at him and remains seated on the bed as Jungwon gets up, making his way out of the room. He shuts the door behind him and exhales.

He hears the rustle of fabric coming from inside the room. Jungwon quickly leaves.

He lays in his own bed and stares up at the ceiling, hands resting on his stomach.

Guilt from Jay’s earlier words wash over him. His head feels heavy with it, and he lets himself fall asleep to dispel the thoughts.

One thing he does know, though, is Jay doesn’t deserve to feel like this.

Maybe he has to do something about it. Finally.

ᓚᘏᗢ

“There’s no way I’m trying that,” Sunoo grimaces, turning his head away from Jay’s food.

Jay makes an offended face. “It’s actually nice.”

“It looks like shit,” Niki says, then slaps a hand over his mouth. “Sorry.”

The producer sighs and shakes her head before saying something to one of the camera men. They call for a quick break.

Jungwon stares down at the floor, ignoring the bickering going on next to him.

They’ve been filming a variety show for the past two hours. It’s almost done, so Jungwon bounces his knee up and down, glancing up at the clock. He usually isn’t like this. He never is.

However, there’s only one thing on his mind today, and he feels like he’s overwhelmed being here right now with all the white lights and cameras in his face, jumbling his thoughts further as he’s forced to interact with Jay.

He’s been a little awkward about it. Nothing major that anyone would be able to pick up on with all the editing and cuts, but he’s sure that the others have noticed themselves.

Either way, no one has said anything about it. Not that they can, really, with the microphones and all the staff around.

They start filming again and Jungwon puts on his smile, laughing along to Sunoo’s grossed-out face as Jay tries to make him try his dessert.

“Mine is literally the best,” Jake announces, frustrated because they keep rating him the second lowest. Jay being the lowest. “You guys just have no taste.”

“I have plenty of taste,” Sunghoon says, finally chiming in. “Tell him I have taste,” he says to Heeseung, nudging him.

Heeseung looks at Sunghoon’s own creation and grimaces. “You have… a certain taste.”

They all laugh at Sunghoon’s outrage.

Ten minutes later they film the outro, and then it’s all over until next time. Jungwon stands as he gets his microphone off, then the staff talk to him about something, and then he has to go to another part of the building for a quick meeting.

The others have all gone off to do their own things, most going back to the dorm, but Jungwon drags his feet through the hallways. He greets a few people with a bright smile as they walk past, not wanting anyone to think that there’s anything wrong.

The meeting runs on time. He’s thankful that he doesn’t have to stay for any longer than needed. Rushing back out again, Jungwon calls a taxi outside because it’s too cold to walk and their driver has already left. He goes back to the dorms, keeping his scarf wrapped tightly around his neck even when he’s in the car.

Jungwon stares out of the window.

The ride is short. He’s out before he knows it, walking to the dorms and into the front door. Jungwon holds the wall as he takes his shoes off, pushing them aside with his feet before going further into the hallway.

Judging by the other shoes that were there, Jungwon assumes that only Sunoo and Jake are home.

He knocks on Sunoo’s door.

“Yeah?” Sunoo calls after a second. “Who is it?”

Jungwon creaks it open slightly and peers in. “Me.”

“Oh, hey. Come in.”

So Jungwon slowly closes the door behind him and comes over to sit on Sunoo’s desk chair. He spins in it idly, neither of them speaking for a long moment.

Sunoo watches him from where he’s sitting on his bed. “What’s wrong? Did you wanna talk or just spin?”

Jungwon spins again in response.

So Sunoo sighs and picks at his nails, waiting for him to find the words. He can obviously tell that something is bothering Jungwon. He doesn’t push it and just watches him spin around until he gets dizzy.

After a minute, Jungwon stops. “Hyung, I need… advice.”

Sunoo nods. “What advice? Has something happened?”

“Well… no. Not really,” Jungwon mumbles, folding his legs up. The chair creaks with the movement. “I need this, uh, hypothetical advice.”

He came to Sunoo because Jake would know that he’s talking about Jay, and he doesn’t want that. He needs someone neutral, and he also feels like Sunoo will know what to say, because he’s in tune with his emotions way more than Jungwon is himself.

So he clears his throat and continues. “Hypothetically, what would you do if you really love someone but the two of you can’t be together?” he tentatively asks, then pauses to chew on the skin around his nail.

Sunoo tilts his head. “I have to know more first.”

Fuck it, Jungwon thinks. He blurts everything out: “And you thought that it was mainly one sided at first so decided not to do anything about it, but then the other person suddenly gets drunk and confesses their love to you,” he continues, rambling now, “but then they don’t remember doing that. So you try to pretend everything’s normal but it’s hard, because— you wish that things were different and that you could be with them, but you can’t.”

He takes a deep breath and puffs out his cheeks once he’s finished, looking at Sunoo’s expression hesitantly.

Sunoo is staring at him in shock. “And this is… hypothetical? Not about Ja—”

“It’s hypothetical,” Jungwon quickly cuts in. His ears turn red. “Wait— but Jay hyung isn’t home, is he?” he asks, suddenly afraid because he didn’t check, and if Jay hears this, he’ll know that he’s talking about him.

That tells Sunoo everything he needs to know. “No, Jay hyung isn’t home. It’s okay.”

“Okay,” Jungwon exhales. He shakes his head. “But… yeah. That’s the advice I need.”

Sitting up straighter, Sunoo adjusts his position on the bed. He props himself up on his pillows and puts his phone down next to him, giving him his full attention. “So why can’t you and this person be together?”

Jungwon bites on the inside of his cheek. “Because of our jobs.”

“And you’re picking your job over him?”

“How do you know he’s a him?”

“Oh, my bad,” Sunoo sighs, correcting himself. “You’re picking your job over this mystery person?”

Jungwon ignores the sarcasm in his voice and instead thinks of what to say. Because no, he’s not picking his job over Jay because of selfish reasons. He’s making the choice for a multitude of different reasons.

“I’m picking safety for everyone,” he explains slowly. “For him— this person. Because it affects him too, and… I don’t want his dreams to come crashing down one day if our relationship ever got out. I love him too much to let him risk that.”

Sunoo seems to understand, because his expression softens. “I think you’re jumping to worst case scenarios and assuming his decision for him, Wonnie.”

There’s truth to Sunoo’s words. Jungwon knows that. “I’m being realistic and I’m trying to be responsible,” he whispers, voice cracking slightly at the end of his sentence. It’s embarrassing. He hates emotions but he feels so many of them. “I’m trying to be everything I have to be, hyung.”

Sunoo looks at him from across the room, forehead slightly creased with his own emotions from seeing Jungwon like this. “But he doesn’t know that he confessed his love to you? You didn’t tell him?”

Jungwon nods, not caring anymore that Sunoo blatantly knows that he’s talking about Jay.

“And he also doesn’t know that you love him?” he asks, causing Jungwon to nod again. Sunoo presses his lips together. “You want my honest advice?”

He is a little afraid, but that’s what he came in here for. So he needs to suck it up and just hear whatever Sunoo thinks. “Yes.”

“I think you’re trying to look out for him and everyone but you don’t realise that all it’s doing is hurting you both more in the long run,” he states firmly. “You’ve been sad lately, Jungwon. We’ve all noticed. Maybe the fans don’t notice because you always try your best, but we do.”

Jungwon knows that it’s hurting them both. He knows because he feels like hurt inside him, and he heard what Jay said to Jake the other day, so he knows he’s hurting too in his own way.

So Jungwon is aware that he has to do something. “What do I say to him?”

“Ask him what he wants to do. Because— Jungwon, you can’t make his decision for him,” Sunoo gently says. “Maybe he wants to fight for you.”

But that’s what Jungwon is afraid of. “But what if he doesn’t want to fight for me? And he also decides that we shouldn’t do anything about it? And…” Trailing off, Jungwon swallows around the lump in his throat. “For the rest of my life, I’ll know that we both knew we loved each other and didn’t do anything about it.”

“How is that different to what you’re doing right now?”

“Because it’s safe right now,” Jungwon confesses, baring his heart out. “It’s safe because… only I know. Hyung—” His words get caught in his throat, and he chokes on them. “What if we do get together and then he realises that I’m not perfect? It’ll hurt me too much.”

Sunoo’s expression shifts understandingly. “Jungwon-ah… you’re seriously worried about that? You think Jay hyung won’t love you forever because if he gets closer to your heart, you think he’ll see imperfection?”

And Jungwon can’t say anything, because Sunoo got it right. He simply looks down at the pattern in the wooden floorboards, eyes tracing the parallel lines that run through it.

“You’re protecting yourself from being hurt,” Sunoo says, less of a question and more of an observation. “I get it. I understand, Jungwon. But… this is Jay hyung. You’ve spent every single day together.”

Jungwon picks at the fabric of his jeans. “He hasn’t fully seen me.”

“He sees you,” Sunoo tells him without missing a beat. “I don’t think you’ll find anyone who sees you more than Jay hyung does. I know that for a fact. Never in your life, Jungwon.”

The room falls silent for a moment. Jungwon refuses to look up, because something uncomfortable prickles at his eyes and the inside of his throat, like thorns snaking around him.

“Don’t waste something good. I told you that I believe in fate, didn’t I?” he asks, trying to get Jungwon’s attention. “If you’ve found your soulmate then why would you let them slip you by? Why would you want to grow old and tired and not have the person who’s always been there for you by your side? Don’t do that.”

Jungwon blinks, and a drop falls onto the fabric of his jeans, staining them a little darker. “I do want to have him.”

“Then you can’t put everyone and everything else before yourself. Do what you want, and we’ll all support you,” Sunoo finishes off. “You never have to worry about that.”

He feels an overwhelming fullness in his chest. Jungwon hastily wipes at his eyes and glances up at Sunoo, feeling grateful. “Thank you.”

“Of course.” Sunoo offers him a smile. “And if he hurts you then we’ll totally beat him up.”

A wet laugh escapes from behind Jungwon’s lips. He sniffles, shaking his head as he stands up from the chair. “He won’t hurt me.”

“I know he won’t.”

It’s just a fact that Jungwon should have thought more about. Because Jay will never hurt him, so why would it be any different in this regard?

He thinks about that as he leaves Sunoo’s room, a huge weight feeling like it’s being lifted off his chest. Jay won’t hurt him, and if Jay isn’t hurting him, then Jungwon can survive any other hurt that he receives from the world.

So maybe it will be okay. He just has to be brave enough to make the first step.

ᓚᘏᗢ

Jungwon feels overwhelmed as he steps back into the dorm the next day.

He had a long schedule, which mostly kept his brain occupied and his thoughts away from most jay-shaped things. However, by the end of the day and on his way home, everything started to hit him again with full force.

Hence why he feels so jittery when he takes off his shoes.

Jay is in the hallway when he comes in. “Hey, Wonnie,” he greets, then falters when he sees the look on Jungwon’s face. “What’s the matter?”

Jungwon just shakes his head.

“Okay, come on,” Jay gently says, taking him by the arm. He pulls him towards his bedroom, letting Jungwon go to sit on the edge of his bed before he shuts the door behind him. “Tell hyung what’s wrong.”

He comes to sit next to him, carefully poking him in the cheek where his dimple is.

Jungwon lets out a shaky breath. He tries to loosen the anxious knot in his chest and his throat, so that the words will be able to flow freely from the depths of him, but it’s hard to muster up the courage.

So Jungwon settles on something more vague. “Hyung… what would you choose? If you could have something you want more than anything but risk being hurt by the world, or not have that thing and instead be safe forever?”

Jay seems a little taken aback. He answers anyway. “I’d risk it.”

Jungwon is surprised that his answer comes immediately, not even missing a beat. But, honestly, he should have known that Jay’s passion and determination extends to all aspects of his life.

Still, his heart catches in his throat. “But it could ruin everything you’ve ever built and the people you love.”

At that, Jay’s eyebrows twitch together. “What are you referring to, Jungwon?”

But Jungwon doesn’t want to answer that. He does, actually, but this is just too much of a huge thing to blurt out. So he looks at Jay with all of his emotions in his eyes and hopes that he understands him.

“Wonnie… you’re going to have to talk to me,” Jay says, shattering Jungwon’s hopes. “What happened? Did something—”

“I like someone,” Jungwon blurts out. It happens so suddenly that they both slightly flinch from it. However, Jungwon squeezes his eyes shut and lets his mouth run. “I love someone, hyung. I love him so much. And— whenever I’m around him I feel my bones creaking in my body because they want to reshape me into something perfect for him. And I know I’m not perfect— I’m not perfect. hyung. But… I don’t know if… if he’d be willing to risk it all for someone so imperfect, when so much is on the line.”

It’s silent.

Jungwon keeps his eyes shut for a few more seconds before hesitantly opening them again. He almost wishes that he didn’t, though, because he sees the look of shock on Jay’s face before it crumples a little.

Jay glances to the side. Jungwon watches him swallow, his adam’s apple bobbing, before he must decide to put his own emotions away for Jungwon’s sake to comfort him.

He must assume that Jungwon is talking about another guy.

Jay turns back to him and wets his lips. He falters, opening his mouth, closing it, before opening it again. “Whoever this… guy is. He—” Pausing again, Jay picks at the material of his track pants. “I’m sure he would risk anything for you.”

Jungwon feels like he’s going to throw up. “Do you think so?” he whispers, almost afraid that Jay is lying to him.

But Jay is not. He makes it clear that he’s not. “Jungwon, you have such a pure soul. Who wouldn’t risk anything for you?” he asks, then gives a self-deprecating laugh. “Who wouldn’t?” he repeats.

Their eyes meet. Jungwon feels like they’re in that same bubble that they were in when they were underwater, because time seems to slow and the atmosphere shifts. The dim lighting casts shadows under Jay’s face, causing his eye-bags to seem more prominent and his jaw to seem tighter.

Like he’s holding in whatever he wants to say, too.

“Well,” Jay breathes, placing his hands on his knees. He stands up, facing away from Jungwon. “Ah… I should go. It’s late.”

“Hyung.” Jungwon’s heart stutters. He stands up quickly too, reaching out to grab Jay’s wrist from behind. But Jay doesn’t turn back. “Hyung,” he says again, quieter this time.

He tugs on Jay’s arm until he faces him again. And Jungwon feels brave, suddenly, as they make eye-contact again. He feels like he can say anything, because the love in Jay’s eyes is not going to run out any time soon. So he says: “My soul… It isn’t pure. Yours is,” and hopes that Jay gets it.

Something in Jay’s expression shifts. He carefully extracts his wrist, then presses Jungwon’s palm against his chest so that he can feel his pulse. “Jungwon, you are my soul.”

The confession slams against Jungwon with full force, almost making his knees buckle. He finds that he can’t pull his gaze away from the light that is Jay, even though he might get blinded by how dazzling he is. But he wouldn’t care. He’d happily be blinded if Jay was the last thing he saw.

“You’re my everything,” Jay continues, voice dropping lower. They’ve moved closer in the dim lighting of the room, until Jungwon can feel his breath against his lips, tilting his head so that their noses brush. “My everything. Do you feel what you do to me?”

And Jungwon can feel it, beneath his palm— the erratic thumping of Jay’s heart despite his calmer exterior.

Jay is staring at his lips, and Jungwon is staring at his. They’re so close. If either of them leaned forward a few centimeters, they would be touching, and that would solidify everything that they’re both clearly thinking.

Snaking a hand around Jungwon’s waist, Jay uses his other hand to carefully tuck a strand of hair behind his ear. He holds him like he’s something fragile. Like he’s delicate and soft inside, and Jay is the only one who knows how to handle him the way he needs to be handled.

Jungwon tilts his head a little more when he cups his cheek, parting his lips. He can tell that Jay wants to kiss him. It seems like he’s holding back, though.

Jay runs the pads of his fingers along Jungwon’s bottom lip. The featherlight touch causes Jungwon to shudder.

But then it’s gone as soon as it came. Jay releases him quickly and steps back, pulling away as he shakes his head. “I’m sorry,” he apologises, flustered. He looks guilty, but Jungwon can’t understand why. Jay opens his mouth again and explains why. “You said… you love someone else. I’m sorry. I’m being selfish and I—”

Oh.

Jungwon feels something burst in his chest as he takes another step forwards, fisting his hand in the fabric of Jay’s shirt, before pulling him in.

He kisses him.

Their lips smash together from the force. Jay’s hands immediately find the sides of Jungwon’s face, tilting his head whilst stroking his thumbs over his cheekbones.

Jungwon melts into it. He has so many emotions running through him, but he can’t pinpoint a single one. He’s just floating. Jay kisses him deeply like he’s starving, like he’s running out of oxygen and Jungwon is the only thing that will keep him alive.

Jay devours him. His bottom lip is softly bitten, then licked over soothingly as an apology. But Jungwon is no better. He bites Jay with less restraint, causing him to make soft noises that get muffled into it— Jungwon wraps his arms around his neck and pulls their bodies flush together, not allowing any space between them.

He wants to melt into Jay. To crawl between his ribs and live next to his soul. But Jay said that he is his soul. So maybe he already is between Jay’s ribs, and has been for years. There is no space between them.

They’re interchangeable. Jungwon doesn’t know where he ends and where Jay begins. And right now, as Jay tilts his head back and licks into his mouth, swirling their tongues together, he has never felt more at home.

Jungwon clings onto him as Jay pulls back slightly. He chases his lips, connecting them again before Jay gets the chance to catch his breath. So Jay keeps hold of him and parts his own lips, letting Jungwon take what he needs from him.

Jungwon can taste salt as he desperately kisses Jay. He sucks on his bottom lip, tugging it between his teeth before releasing it, and it’s only when Jay gently pulls him back and pecks him on the mouth a few more times does Jungwon realise that the salt is from his tears.

He didn’t even realise he was crying.

Despite the tears, Jungwon still leans up and tries to kiss him again. “It’s— hyung, it’s you,” he breathes, voice cracking. “It’s always been you.”

Something cracks in Jay’s eyes. He holds Jungwon carefully with his palms on either side of his face, looking like he wants to say something, but Jungwon surges forwards and connects their lips once more.

Somewhere in their frenzy, they end up walking back towards the bed. The backs of Jungwon’s knees hit the mattress and he falls onto it, dragging Jay down on top of him, but neither of them separate for a second.

The air is thick with desire. Hurried hands grab at Jay’s shirt, tugging at all the material that he can get his hands on. Jungwon knows that he needs him. Needs for them to be connected even more, for him to feel Jay inside of him where he belongs.

He’s never needed anything more.

Jay seems to get the message because he leans back enough to pull his shirt off. He discards it somewhere on the floor, then runs his hands down Jungwon’s stomach, slipping under the hem of his shirt to grope at the smooth skin of his waist.

Jungwon moans as Jay starts kissing down his jaw, all the way to the column of his throat where he gently sucks at his skin. He wraps his legs around Jay’s waist, grinding their lower halves together as Jay’s hands slide around his body, kneading at his ass and pulling him closer to create more friction.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Jay says breathlessly, letting out a soft groan as their clothed erections brush together. His hair tickles Jungwon’s skin as he buries his face in his neck. “So beautiful. I didn’t… I never thought…”

Jungwon runs his hands along the expanse of Jay’s skin on display. He traces the curve of his shoulders and his biceps, up to the dip in his collarbones. He wants to run his tongue along them.

He drags his eyes further up to Jay’s neck, up again to his face. And Jay is staring at him, soaking him in as their eyes meet. He looks so handsome in the low light of the bedroom that Jungwon thinks he might combust from the sight.

He’s still afraid. Of course Jungwon is afraid of what is happening, but the safety he feels in Jay’s arms overrides that.

Jay kisses along his face and bites the shell of his ear so carefully as not to hurt him. “Tell hyung what you want,” he murmurs.

Jungwon knows what he wants immediately. “You.”

“Where?”

“Inside,” he breathes out, reaching down to rub his palm over the bulge in Jay’s pants. He feels the warmth and hardness there ready to burst out. It sends shivers down his spine. “Want you inside, hyung. Please.”

Jay simply kisses his cheeks softly and works on taking the rest of his clothes off. “Anything you want, Jungwon-ah.”

He nods desperately, feeling wetness pooling at the corners of his eyes. But Jay seems to get the message because he slides both of their pants off and discards them in a pile on the floor. He crawls back up Jungwon’s body.

“It’s been so hard,” he says in between kissing Jungwon’s stomach, tongue against his skin, “to hold back from doing this for years, Jungwon. You don’t… I don’t think you know how you make me feel.”

Jungwon presses the back of his hand to his mouth to control a sob as Jay kisses his hip bones. He has nothing to say— all of his words die the second that Jay spreads his legs and settles between them, shifting his body lower.

All that comes out of his mouth is a choked-off moan when he feels the warmth of Jay’s tongue at his entrance.

And oh, it’s completely different to what he was expecting. Jungwon doesn’t even know what he was expecting, really, because he’s never been with a man and he hasn’t given much thought to what it would be like.

Only when he realised that he loved Jay did he start to think about what sex with a guy would entail. He still doesn’t know much. But that’s okay, because he would be happy with whatever Jay does to him.

His fingers twist in the sheets as Jay holds him open, licking and prodding at his rim with his tongue. His hands pull Jungwon down further against his face, soaking in all of his little whimpers and noises as Jay’s tongue dips inside, wetting his walls and sending pleasure-sparks through his veins.

“Hyung… I— oh…” he gasps, then reaches down to tangle his fingers in Jay’s hair. He tugs on it, feeling the way Jay hums appreciatively against him, which prompts him to do it again.

Jay eats him out like he’s starving, the same way that he kissed him.

Jungwon feels like his brain is melting with each determined thrust of his tongue. His thoughts are so jumbled that he barely registers as two fingers join, working themselves in besides the tongue that fucks him open.

“Ah—” Jungwon mewls in surprise, eyes widening at the new sensation. Turning his head into the pillow, he bites down onto it to suppress the moans he lets out when the two fingers crook, and the pads rub against something deep inside of him.

Back arching, Jungwon tugs on Jay’s hair and sees stars burst before his eyes. Jay moans against him, nose pressing against his skin as he presses his tongue in deeper, his fingers twisting inside him again to find that spot.

He’s a drooling, panting mess. Jungwon keeps one hand fisted in Jay’s hair, tugging him closer so he can grind his ass down against his face whilst his other hand blindly reaches up to hold on to the bedframe.

Jay comes up for air after a minute, but he keeps his fingers buried to the hilt inside of him. “There?” he asks, clearly out of breath. “Does it feel good there?”

Jungwon can barely form a coherent thought. He looks down at Jay, seeing how his face is flushed and how his lips are spit-slicked, some coating his chin, and his pupils are incredibly blown.

He nods in favour of speaking.

Jay licks his lips and moves his other hand to hold Jungwon’s waist. Pressing kisses to his lower stomach, he keeps thrusting his fingers in and out, sliding in a third until Jungwon is stretched full of him.

Jungwon doesn’t think he can take it anymore— the weight of Jay’s gaze on him, the way he’s still so gentle despite the nature of his movements— it’s all too much. He bites down onto the pillowcase as Jay starts eating him out again and lets out a shaky sob, tightening his thighs around his head to keep him in place.

He moves his hips to match the rhythm of Jay’s fingers and his tongue.

It’s embarrassing how he’s already so close to the edge from just this. But the way that Jay touches him, mapping out his skin and his insides like he knows him blindly, is enough to bring Jungwon to tears.

His dick weakly twitches and spurts precum onto his stomach. Before Jungwon even has the chance to touch himself, Jay is curling his fingers again and pressing into his prostate.

Jungwon cums.

His back arches violently off the bed, wetness springing from the corners of his eyes to roll down the sides of his cheeks. He fists both hands into Jay’s hair, too far gone to think about how rough he’s being.

But Jay doesn’t seem to care. He makes a low noise in his throat and lets Jungwon yank at his hair, moving his head in whichever direction he wants to, and continues lapping at his entrance.

“Jay— hyung, please…” he cries, writhing from pure need. He just came, but he needs more. “I want you.”

Jay subtracts his fingers and wipes the saliva off them and onto the bed, before gently prying Jungwon’s hands out of his hair. “Are you sure, Wonnie?”

Jungwon thinks it’s ridiculous that he’s even asking that. He looks at Jay’s flushed face and the way his hair is all messy from the way Jungwon was pulling on it. He strokes through it with a shaky hand, smoothing down the strands and touching his head apologetically.

Jay leans into the touch. He seems uncertain, like something is holding him back. “I just… I don’t want to hurt you,” he whispers, crawling back up Jungwon’s body. He holds himself up above him, kissing the top of his head. “Only if you’re really sure, because—”

“I’m sure,” Jungwon tells him. “I’m very sure.”

So Jay kisses him on the lips. It’s like all of his tenderness and emotional softness pours out of every inch of him, flowing into Jungwon through the brief contact.

They still have so much to talk about. All of Jungwon’s fears haven’t been quelled and they still reside in the depths of his brain, but he’s trying his best to not think about that as Jay lines himself up at his entrance, rubbing the head of his cock along Jungwon’s hole.

“Ready?” Jay murmurs, scratching lightly at the nape of Jungwon’s neck.

He nods, then wraps his legs tighter around Jay’s waist.

Jungwon takes a second to glance down at Jay’s dick. And even though it’s fairly dim in the room, he can still see every vein and ridge of it, the slight curve and the swell of his head. He’s big. Bigger than anything Jungwon has ever taken, because he’s never taken anything.

It doesn’t scare him as much as it probably should. Maybe it doesn’t scare him because every bone and muscle in his body trusts Jay not to hurt him.

So he lets Jay spread his cheeks and push at his rim. It doesn’t go in immediately, instead rubbing against Jungwon’s thigh instead, and when Jungwon looks down to see why, he sees that Jay’s hands are shaking.

“Hyungie,” Jungwon calls, reaching out to cup his jaw. “Have you done this before?”

He doesn’t know what he wants the answer to be. But then Jay is nodding, then shaking his head, then nodding again. “I’ve— yeah, I’ve had sex,” he breathes, the tips of his ears turning red. “Ages ago. But… It’s different now.”

Jungwon wraps his arms around his shoulders and pulls him in so he can press his nose against Jay’s neck. “Different how?” he whispers.

He hears how Jay swallows. “Different because it’s you.”

Jungwon bites his tongue and doesn’t say something stupid, like I’m yours, or I love you. Everything is different. Instead, he reaches down and wraps his hand around Jay’s cock, giving it a few strokes, feeling the warmth and heaviness of it against his palm.

Jay’s hips stutter. He lets his head hang, nipping at the skin of Jungwon’s neck with his teeth. He lets him guide it in.

When the head breaches his entrance, popping inside, Jungwon lets go. His head falls back against the pillow and he stares up at the ceiling, biting on his wrist bone to stop himself from letting out any embarrassing noises.

Jay watches his face carefully. He’s too afraid to hurt him. He goes slowly, sheathing his cock inside all the way whilst holding onto Jungwon’s waist. And Jungwon can barely talk, barely breathe, because he’s so full of Jay. Split open by him. Surrounded by him, in all of his senses, in him in every aspect of the word.

The moment that Jay is fully inside him, Jungwon feels like he can breathe again.

All that comes out is a sob.

It’s not from the burn, or the stretch. Jungwon knows that his tears aren’t from anything physical. Instead, he cries because there are so many emotions running through him that have been for the past few months. Few years. Everything is coming to a head as Jay leans down to kiss his tear tracks away, murmuring soft words of reassurance because he thinks that Jungwon is crying because of the pain.

He doesn’t know, yet. Doesn’t know the full weight of what Jungwon has been carrying.

“Should I stop?” Jay asks him, looking at him with the entire world in his eyes, ready to give it to him if he only asks. “I’m sorry, Won-ah… did I hurt you?”

Jungwon shakes his head and squeezes his eyes shut. “Doesn’t hurt.”

But Jay doesn’t seem convinced. He gazes at him with worry, pulling back enough to brush his knuckles over Jungwon’s cheeks. “If you don’t want this then we’ll stop.”

Panic surges through Jungwon’s body. He quickly grabs onto Jay and holds onto him tighter, digging his nails into his biceps accidentally, because the last thing he wants is for him to stop. For any of this to stop.

Jay gets the message.

He curls his arm around Jungwon’s head, stroking through his hair as he bends forwards to press a wet kiss to his temple. As he does that, he starts to drag his cock out, then inches it back in again.

Jungwon’s toes curl and he grips onto Jay’s shoulders as he picks up the pace.

It isn’t rough. Jungwon doesn’t think that Jay has it in him to be rough with him. Instead, he drives his dick in and out of him in a way that pushes it deep, reaching parts that Jungwon wasn’t aware could feel this good.

He’s still crying as he bites down onto Jay’s upper arm.

“My sweet baby,” Jay murmurs, using his thumbs to brush Jungwon’s tears away. “Please don’t cry. Hyung doesn’t like it when you cry.”

That just makes him cry harder. He scratches down Jay’s back and his legs fall open, too weak to keep a firm grip around him, and Jungwon lets out a string of moans and whimpers that escape his lips with each thrust.

Jay keeps him on his back, doesn’t flip Jungwon over and press him into the mattress, and Jungwon realises that it’s because he wants to keep looking at his face. It’s overwhelming. He feels so exposed and vulnerable as Jay keeps running his fingers along the sides of his face, collecting the tears while trying to soothe him.

Jungwon clings onto him. The bed rocks against the wall from the deep thrusts, each snap of Jay’s hips causing the headboard to thump rhythmically. Jungwon isn’t being quiet himself, either.

Jay groans as he leans forward more, lifting Jungwon’s hips higher to deepen the angle. “You… feel so good. Fuck—” he pants, picking up the pace a little. “So good for me.”

The new angle causes Jay’s cock to hit against his prostate. It releases punched-out, breathy moans from Jungwon each time, but Jay doesn’t make any efforts to quiet him down. In fact, he soaks up all his noises and seems encouraged by them.

“You do so much for us,” Jay whispers, mouthing down his neck before biting at his collarbones. “Let me take care of you like this, Jungwon-ah… I want you to—” He cuts himself out as his hips stutter. “—to feel good.”

Jungwon writhes under him, all fucked out yet highly strung at the same time. “You— hyung, you do make me feel good,” he sobs. Clenching around Jay’s dick, he tries to show him how good he makes him feel. “You always do.”

“Yeah?” Jay breathes, but it comes out as more of a whine.

Jungwon nods, then brushes his nose against Jay’s. He loves him so much. His kind, sweet, loving hyung who would do anything for him. Who has shown him what love is time and time again, not expecting anything in return, because his selflessness knows no bounds.

Jay, who is made out of love and everything soft despite his sharp features. Who shows a different side to Jungwon that he doesn’t with any of the others. Who, undoubtedly, is sunlight and all things warm.

“Yes,” Jungwon tells him, pressing his cheek against the side of Jay’s head to hide his face. Jay slows his thrusts to let him speak. “Yes, hyung— I love you.”

The confession slips out as easily as breathing. It solidifies into something in the small space between them, and Jungwon keeps his face hidden, scared to see Jay’s expression.

But he feels the way his dick throbs inside of him in response.

“Jungwon, I love you,” he returns, kissing along the side of his face. “Hyung loves you so much.” His words are laced with the smallest amount of pain that he’s clearly keeping in.

Jungwon lets his tears soak into Jay’s skin. “Please don’t leave me.”

Jay hesitates. He pulls back slightly enough to pry Jungwon’s face away from its hiding spot so that he can look him in the eye. His dick is still inside him, but his thrusts have slowed and just turned into soft grinds, acting as a steady presence. “Why would I ever leave you?”

“Because…” Jungwon starts, trying to hide the shake in his voice. He can’t, though, because it’s painfully obvious and Jay can probably read him so easily. “Because you’ll find out that— that I’m not perfect.”

Jay’s eyes soften. He cups his cheek and leans down, gently pressing his lips to Jungwon’s once, then twice, before knocking their foreheads together. “You are so perfect, Jungwon-ah. You’re so perfect to hyung, you don’t even know.”

Jungwon tries to turn his head away, but Jay keeps him in place as he starts slowly moving inside him again.

“You’re perfect because you’re you,” Jay continues. “I know you inside and out and there’s… just nothing I’d ever change about you. There’s nothing you could do to ever disappoint me.”

Jungwon looks up at him through his blurry eyes, feeling his pulse stutter against his ribs. Almost as if it’s trying to break free and reach out to Jay, to merge into his own. “Do you promise?”

“I promise,” he whispers, pecking him on the lips one more time. “I’d give you my heart if you asked for it.”

This time when Jungwon goes to hide his face back in the crook of Jay’s neck, he lets him. And Jay holds him through it as Jungwon trembles, as his legs tighten again around him when Jay starts fucking into him a little harder.

He knows that he already has Jay’s heart.

He can almost feel it, in a strange way. Like a second heartbeat right next to his. Maybe they’re so intrinsically connected that Jungwon can feel all the heartbeats that Jay has ever had in every single universe he’s existed in.

Jay holds him carefully, one hand under his thigh with the other finding Jungwon’s hand, linking their fingers together.

The second Jay brings their joined hands up to his lips and kisses the back of Jungwon’s, something snaps in him. Jungwon’s back arches, and he cums for the second time.

Jungwon’s mouth falls open and his vision whites out. He doesn’t know how hard he’s squeezing Jay, but his entire body is numb as he gasps, dick spurting onto his own stomach.

He cums untouched for the second time.

He didn’t think it was possible, but Jay is showing him so many new things today.

He holds Jungwon through his orgasm, whispering soft words into his ears as he fucks him faster, trying to reach his own climax. “Next time I want you to ride me,” Jay tells him, like the words slip out of the depths of his mind. “So I can… fuck— so I can see your pretty face properly.”

Jungwon gently bites on his neck to stop himself from whimpering. He begins to shake from the oversensitivity, each drag of Jay’s cock against his inner walls making him feel like he’s being split in two all over again, but he doesn’t tell him to stop.

He knows that Jay can read him, that he’d be able to tell if it really got too much for Jungwon, even when he’s in the depths of pleasure himself. He trusts him blindly.

“You’re mine,” Jungwon blurts out, voice pitching up slightly because of his tears. He tightens his hold around Jay and urges him deeper. “Mine.”

Jay nuzzles the tip of his nose against Jungwon’s cheek. “Yours.”

With one last thrust Jay buries himself deep inside Jungwon, causing the headboard to hit the wall with a little too much force, and he cums too.

Jungwon’s breath hitches and his eyes almost roll back from the sensation.

Jay’s cum spills inside him, painting his inner walls and filling him up with thick, hot cum. Jungwon feels so marked by him. His entire body is shivering and twitching as Jay fucks into him a few more times, pushing his cum deeper and deeper until he’s finally satisfied.

Jay’s arms shake from exhaustion and he collapses on top of him.

The room is silent for a moment, only the sounds of their heavy breathing heard until Jay turns his head slightly, pressing wet kisses to Jungwon’s cheeks.

He hasn’t pulled out yet. Neither of them speak, not wanting to burst the bubble that they’re in, so Jungwon closes his eyes and lets his body float, feeling safe and warm under Jay’s weight as he envelops him in kisses and gentle touches.

“Jungwon,” he murmurs, almost worships. “My Jungwon. Let me take care of you forever.”

Tears spring to his eyes again as he listens to his words. A wave crashes over the dam that Jungwon has carefully built around himself, crumbling it into dust immediately. And everything bursts out at once— all the emotions he’s been harbouring, all the secret feelings and stolen glances, all of the thoughts he has had that he’s been so ashamed of.

Because Jungwon doesn’t think he should be ashamed anymore. He thinks that, for once, maybe he should put himself first. The world might be kind to him if he’s kind to himself.

So he nods desperately, looking up at Jay in the dim lighting of the bedroom to show him the stars that reflect in his eyes. He shows him the universes that swirl inside him and threaten to swallow them both whole with how vast they are. Jungwon shows Jay the inner depths of himself for the second time today, in a completely different way this time.

Jay looks into his eyes and seems to understand it all.

“You’re so beautiful,” Jay tells him, kissing his eyelids. “All of you is so beautiful.”

He wipes away the tears that leak from the corners of Jungwon’s eyes, trickling down the sides of his face like moonlight reflecting on the surface of water. He catches them with his thumbs and swipes them away.

Jungwon doesn’t protest as Jay starts to slide himself out. It’s a strange sensation, but he doesn’t feel an aching emptiness even when Jay isn’t inside him anymore.

Jungwon lays bonelessly against the mattress with his damp hair sticking to his forehead from the sweat. He looks down at Jay who is staring between Jungwon’s legs, watching as his cum slowly trickles out of him.

“Enjoying yourself?” Jungwon lightly teases, his voice scratchy.

Jay’s face turns red and he quickly looks away, busying himself with wiping him clean with a discarded shirt. Jungwon is too lazy to shower tonight. He just wants to pull Jay back on top of him and stay like that for days.

Jay does finally crawl back onto him carefully, pulling Jungwon under him so he can wrap his arms around his body.

Surrounded by warmth again, Jungwon lets out a breath and his eyes flutter shut.

His brain is so fuzzy. All of his anxieties and worries seem to have seeped out of him momentarily to make room for Jay’s steady presence in his head.

He turns his face and kisses Jay’s forehead, then the bridge of his nose. He smiles as Jay wrinkles it. “Ticklish.”

“Ticklish?” Jungwon repeats, doing it again.

Jay squirms and laughs, turning his face away. His voice drops to that soft tone that he reserves just for Jungwon. “If you keep doing that I’ll… kiss you.”

Jungwon looks at him for a second before bursting into laughter. “Is that the best threat you have?”

“Maybe.”

Cute, Jungwon thinks to himself. He’s so cute. How can someone so handsome be so cute?

He darts his tongue out and playfully licks the tip of Jay’s nose. In retaliation, Jay squishes his cheeks in his hand and forcefully kisses him. Jungwon can’t help but smile. As well as he can, anyway, with his cheeks being squashed together.

Jay releases him and adjusts their positions so that Jungwon can rest his head on his chest.

He knows that he should say something. There’s so many things that he feels like he has to address. The future, the past, the present, everything. It starts to overwhelm him again as he starts thinking about it all. Reality just sets in and—

“I feel like the luckiest guy in the world,” Jay mumbles into his skin, snapping him out of his thoughts. And it’s calming, the way that Jay seems to be at ease right now, which helps to soothe Jungwon’s own nerves.

So he lets himself relax, listening to the thumping of Jay’s heart.

He still can’t believe it. That he finally did it.

They should talk about it. Jungwon’s throat itches to talk about it, but he doesn’t want to face the reality of such a big decision. But Jay doesn’t seem scared, like he is, because his heart is thumping steadily and his body is pliant against Jungwon’s.

Maybe this isn’t as big as Jungwon is making it out to be in his head. Maybe them being together changes nothing, because Jake was right. Jay has given him a relationship all these years just without the title.

So this is as easy as the air they breathe.

Jungwon takes a deep breath of Jay, holding it in his lungs until it burns, then releases it. He allows himself to calm his own racing heart. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Jay is holding him and he is safe.

“I take it that you were talking about me,” Jay starts, sounding mildly amused. “That I’m the person you’re in love with.”

Jungwon’s cheeks flush as he remembers the speech he had given. “Yes.”

“God,” he exhales. “I never thought you loved me, Jungwon. Since when? Because… I never would have guessed. I seriously thought you had someone else.” Jay holds him a little tighter. “Especially after we were on tour and you were asking me all those specific questions about love. And then today. Wow. You almost broke my heart.”

He presses his face further into Jay’s chest. “I didn’t want you to know how I felt.”

Jay seems to understand. “I didn’t want you to know how I felt, either… because I didn’t think you loved me back.” He threads his fingers through Jungwon’s hair and massages his scalp. “Was it the same for you?”

Jungwon stays quiet.

Something clicks in Jay’s brain, though, because he speaks again. “About earlier. When you asked me about risking everything for something I really want. Were you talking about us?”

He wets his lips and swallows. “Yes.”

Jay continues stroking his hair to soothe him, as if he can tell that Jungwon’s thoughts have started to wander off again. “Then my answer still stands,” he quietly announces. “Why would I choose anything else?”

Blinking, Jungwon is grateful that Jay can’t see his face right now as his head is tucked under Jay’s chin. “Hyung, I have to tell you something.”

Jay waits patiently for him to go on.

“You told me that you loved me,” he confesses quietly. “When you drunk called me. I knew. I’ve known for a while.”

Jay’s fingers still, stopping their movements against his hair.

But then they continue again before Jungwon has the chance to think that he’s angry at him, or something. “Oh god… I’m embarrassed. Did I say something embarrassing?” he groans. “I knew it.”

His reaction is a lot less dramatic than Jungwon had anticipated. Almost as if he doesn’t care about the past anymore, because he has Jungwon in his arms, and that’s all that matters to him now.

“It wasn’t embarrassing at all,” he quickly reassures him, trying to find the best way to word things. “It just— it was scary to find out that you felt the same way that I did.”

Jay pulls back slightly so that they can properly look at each other. “Scary?”

Jungwon nods and avoids his worried gaze. “It made everything more real,” he explains, then exhales. He knows that he has to be open and honest. “Because I’m scared, hyung. It was fine when only I loved you, because I could just squash down my feelings. But knowing you loved me back… I didn’t know what to do. I just wanted to protect you from having to make a choice that could ruin your life.”

He finally looks at Jay’s face to see the unreadable expression on his face. “You don’t have to protect me from that, Won-ah.”

“But I do,” he insists. “As your leader.”

Jay’s expression shifts into a sad smile. He picks up Jungwon’s hand and holds it to his lips, kissing his wrist next to his bracelet. “But what about as Jungwon? What does he want, for once?”

Jungwon’s throat prickles with how quickly the response comes.

What does he want? He wants to act his age. He wants to allow himself to be selfish, to have the one thing he wants more than anything but doesn’t allow himself to have because his mind and heart are so disconnected.

But Jay seems to bridge the gap between them each time he looks at him.

When Jungwon looks at Jay, he feels like he can do what he wants. As if nothing else in the world matters. And it’s silly, maybe, but in this moment, he thinks that every inch of himself is being reborn into something beautiful.

Something worthy of love.

Because Jay looks at him like he’s worthy of love. He looks at him like he’s the only thing worth looking at, as if his eyes hold everything he needs to stay alive. Jay looks at him.

Jungwon is looked at by many people. It’s part of his job, his life, but he has never been looked at by anyone in the same way that Jay looks at him; peering into his soul by prying him open with gentle fingers, laying him in his palm that curls so softly around him.

It’s beautiful and terrifying all at the same time.

So Jungwon knows his answer.

ᓚᘏᗢ

The sun is dipping behind the horizon as Jungwon walks home.

His entire body aches. He wraps his arms around himself and lets the summer air hit the bare skin of his arms, brushing against his neck and his face as he walks home.

He passes by the two cats that hang around outside the dorm and crouches down with a smile, meowing at them and letting them sniff his hands, before rising again with a click of his knees.

Jungwon goes into the building.

A nice smell immediately hits him when he pushes open their front door. He sees everyone’s shoes lined up on the rack and hears laughter coming from the kitchen, and his heart is calm in his chest as he curiously walks towards the source of the noise.

There everyone is. They’re all laughing at something Sunghoon is saying as he waves his hands about, clearly doing an impression of someone. Sunoo is rolling his eyes whilst Jake shakes his shoulders playfully, Heeseung and Niki standing around the table with grins on their faces.

Looking past them all, Jungwon spots Jay.

He’s at the counter, stirring something in a large pot whilst glancing over his shoulder to listen to the conversation. He’s smiling already, but as his eyes flick to Jungwon who is now standing in the doorway, he smiles brighter.

“Wonnie!” Jake calls, beckoning him over with an arm. “Come settle this argument.”

So Jungwon greets them all and pushes off the doorframe, unable to take the smile off his face as he listens to the nonsense that Sunghoon is saying.

“So tell him that I’m right,” he finishes off, pointing at Sunoo. “He’s seriously getting on my nerves. I am the best at PVP shooters.”

Sunoo waves him off. “It’s clearly Jake hyung.”

“I think it’s me,” Heeseung cuts in, to which they all boo. He holds his hands up in defeat and sinks back down onto his chair.

“Maybe we should have a match to settle it,” Jake proposes, scratching his eyebrow. “Let’s do a tournament. Like… ranked. Or whatever.”

“Then I wanna join in,” Niki says.

“Fine.”

“There’s no need,” Jungwon tells them, finally speaking. He moves away from the table and walks over to the counter, next to Jay. “Jay hyung is clearly the best at PVP shooters. Obviously.”

The rest of them laugh at that because it’s clearly a huge lie.

But Jay just turns his head to him and smiles, to which Jungwon bashfully ducks his head, avoiding his eyes.

Niki groans. “Get a room,” he mutters, to which Jake elbows him. “Ow.”

Jay turns off the gas and wipes his hands clean. “If I get a room then who’s gonna plate up the food?” he asks sarcastically.

“Uh, me?”

“Don’t lie.”

Jungwon listens to their lighthearted arguing as he goes to grab enough plates for them all. He’s assuming that the others are just going to take their plates and go to do their own thing, but that’s okay.

He will stay behind.

Jay puts in food for them all and then they thank him before leaving one-by-one. Sunoo gives him a knowing smile before he leaves the room, and Jake ruffles Jungwon’s hair.

So that just leaves him and Jay.

“Hi,” he says.

Jay walks over to him and takes hold of Jungwon’s hands. “Hi,” he greets back. “You look pretty.”

Jungwon still hasn’t gotten used to that. “Aren’t you going to kiss me, then?” he asks, then sees the way Jay’s eyes dart to the kitchen door. He nudges him. “They’re gone, hyung.”

“Still…”

“Who cares? They all know.”

At that, Jay brings a hand up to his chin and takes it between his thumb and forefinger. “Maybe I just don’t want to share you,” he murmurs, then finally kisses him.

It’s soft and sweet, more of a welcome home than anything else. And they’ve had many kisses since getting together, but Jungwon thinks that this is his favourite kind, because he truly does feel home.

Jay softly bites at Jungwon’s lip before pulling back, releasing it. “Eat before your food gets cold.”

He pats Jungwon on the ass as he walks back to the table. Amused, Jungwon slides onto his stool and brings his bowl closer, then uncaps his soda. No beer today. They have an early schedule tomorrow and then a flight, so getting tipsy or drunk might not be the best idea.

They can always drink together another day. They have all the time in the world.

Jungwon eats as he intently listens to Jay talk about how his day went, nodding along and humming in all the right places. Jay’s voice is enough to soothe the ache in his muscles and drain the fatigue out of his brain. Jungwon feels a lot lighter as he brings his bottle up to his lips, taking a few sips.

“I missed you,” Jungwon tells him shyly, foot brushing against Jay’s under the table.

Jay tilts his head, something mischievous glinting in his eyes. “You missed me? We were only apart for five hours.”

Jungwon rolls his eyes and looks away. “Fine. I didn’t miss you.”

“You know I’m teasing you,” Jay quickly says with a small chuckle, reaching over the table to link his pinky with Jungwon’s. “Don’t make that face.”

“What face?” Jungwon pouts.

“Come on… It hurts my heart.” Jay lets go of his pinky in favour of poking his dimple, trying to make him smile again. “Hyung is sorry. I missed you so much, I almost cried at the third hour.”

At that, Jungwon laughs and moves away from his prodding fingers. “I’ll forgive you if you beg.”

Jay raises his eyebrows. “Really?”

“Yes.”

“What’s this about begging?” Sunghoon asks as he saunters back into the kitchen, bowl in hand because he’s already finished. “I’d pay good money to see Jay degrade himself like that.”

Jay picks up an empty can of soda and chucks it at his head. “Get out.”

“And wash my bowl in the toilet?”

“Gross,” Jungwon whines, giggling. “Hyung said he didn’t miss me so I was upset.”

Jay’s eyes widen. “I didn’t say—”

“Yah.” Sunghoon dumps his bowl in the sink and folds his arms. “Don’t be mean to Jungwon. What kind of boyfriend are you?” he scoffs, but he’s smiling as he says it. “Do you want me to beat him up?”

Jungwon grins but shakes his head. “I could beat him up myself.”

Jay sinks further in his seat. “I don’t doubt that,” he mumbles.

Sunghoon decides to hang around because he invites himself to the table, taking a seat in the chair at the end. He gets out his phone and slides it towards them and starts telling them about what happened to him earlier.

Or something like that. Jungwon continues to idly eat as he looks ahead at Jay, who is skimming through the photos on Sunghoon’s phone with his eyebrows furrowed.

“That’s crazy, man,” Jay says, then takes a mouthful of his food.

Jungwon watches as Jay’s throat moves as he swallows, then at the way his lips form around words as he speaks. Some of the others eventually come into the kitchen too after ten minutes, washing up their own things, and some of them join the conversation.

Part of Jungwon is a little upset that he didn’t get to have much alone-time with Jay. He spent most of it teasing him, which he regrets, and now all he wants is to just spend some time with him by themselves.

Not that he’s upset that the others are here. He loves them all. He loves watching his members talk and laugh with each other.

He just needs to recharge.

Jungwon washes his and Jay’s bowls once he’s done, letting him continue to talk at the table.

He looks out of the window as he cleans. The sun has dipped fully behind the horizon, at this point, and the sky has almost fully darkened. It’s peaceful. He can see the city lights shining even brighter now.

Jungwon eventually finishes and comes to stand next to Jay, who is also standing now.

Jay looks over at him immediately and sneaks a kiss to his cheek when the others aren’t looking. He rests a hand on Jungwon’s hip. “Tired?”

“Not really,” Jungwon murmurs, putting his own hand over Jay’s. “Do you wanna go on a walk?”

Jay looks tired himself, but he easily agrees, squeezing Jungwon’s hip lightly. “Sure.”

So they both say goodbye to the others who let them go without much thought.

After they grab hoodies and put on their face masks for privacy, they both pull on their shoes and hoods and head out.

The fact that it’s dark is an extra bonus. Jungwon doesn’t think that they’re entirely recognisable, but even if they were, it doesn’t really matter. It’s not like they do anything risky in public. They never do.

And it’s been easy to hide it.

Jungwon still is afraid, some days. Sometimes he has nightmares of being caught and wakes up in a cold-sweat, only for Jay to sleepily groan and pull him back into his side, pressing lazy kisses to his hairline to reassure him. It always seems to work.

Because as much as Jungwon gets in his head sometimes, Jay grounds him without many words needed.

However, Jay decides to push it tonight.

They’re walking through a quiet alley. No one is around, and there aren’t any street lamps in it, so they’re mostly in darkness other than the soft moonlight. Jay stops him and tugs him in by his wrist, quickly leaning forwards to kiss him through their masks.

Jungwon’s eyes crinkle and he lightly pushes him back. “Hyung, someone could see.”

Jay looks around and shrugs. “There’s no one here,” he says, then takes another step closer. He does it again, and this time Jungwon lets him. “Plus, who would recognise us right now?”

“You’re acting recklessly.”

“You make me a little reckless,” Jay tells him, then lets out a soft huff of amusement. “Why was that so smooth? Am I wooing you?”

Jungwon can’t help but find him endearing. He shakes his head fondly and keeps walking, knocking their shoulders together. “You’ve already wooed me.”

“That doesn’t mean I’ll stop just because we’re together.”

“Good.”

Jay copies his action and nudges his shoulder back against Jungwon’s. Their hands brush as they walk side-by-side, continuing through the alley. Jay briefly links their pinkies together, then lets go once they leave the alley, coming back out to a main street.

Jungwon doesn’t miss the touch because he knows he’ll get more of it later. When they’re in the safety of the dorm where none of the outside world can touch them.

They head to the bridge. It isn’t too busy at this time, with only a few pedestrians around, so it’s easy for the two of them to make their way to the usual spot, and Jungwon rests his arms on the railing to peer out.

Jay does the same next to him.

“I’m sorry for teasing you earlier,” Jungwon softly apologises, jutting out his bottom lip even though Jay can’t tell through his mask. “I’d never let Sunghoon hyung beat you up.”

That makes Jay laugh. Jungwon can see his smile through his eyes. “I’d never let him, either. Trust me.” He shifts closer so that their elbows are touching. “I like it when you tease me, anyway.”

“Really?”

“It’s cute.”

Jungwon scrunches his nose up and looks back out at the river, at all of the city lights that dance in it beautifully, like a thousand twinkling stars. “I’m not cute.”

Jay tuts and turns his head to him. “You’re so cute. The cutest. Don’t we tell you enough?” he asks. “Don’t I tell you enough?”

Yes, he does.

But Jungwon won’t give him the satisfaction. So he just makes a noise and tries to hide the way he’s smiling, but his eyes are curved into little crescents and he’s sure that Jay can see, because he’s staring at him.

“You have such a pretty smile,” Jay suddenly says.

Jungwon feels his cheeks heat up. “You can’t even see my smile right now.”

Jay hums, not taking his gaze off him. “I can see your eyes,” he states, then reaches out to turn Jungwon’s chin so he can look properly. “Pretty eyes. I think they’re my favourite thing about you. Physically, anyway.”

The sentiment is so sweet that Jungwon melts. Doesn’t even reprimand him for being handsy in public. “Why?”

Thinking for a second, Jay removes his hand from his chin and places it back on the railing. “They’re just so… expressive. I don’t know. Like you hold your entire heart in your eyes, even if you don’t let your heart dictate a lot of your actions and words.” Jay tilts his head. “I know how soft you really are whenever I look into them.”

Jungwon wants to kiss him. He wants to wrap his arms around Jay and bury his face in his neck, inhale him and just soak up his touch. But they’re in public. He makes a mental note to do it when they get home.

What is his favourite feature of Jay? Jungwon doesn’t know. He just has so many that he couldn’t decide on just one. His honey skin or his angled jaw. His soft lips, gentle eyes, or sharp nose.

His heart. Probably his heart.

“What are you thinking about?” Jay asks, pulling him out of his thoughts.

Jungwon smiles, letting Jay see every emotion he has in his eyes. “Everything.”

Everything. That’s what Jay is to him.

“What a big thing to think about,” Jay observes. He sounds amused. “My Wonnie is thinking about everything.”

And Jungwon had never been good with his emotions. His words shrivelled up in his throat, and he’d always felt as though there had been a cage around his heart that stopped him from saying a lot of things.

Until Jay carefully dismantled that cage.

“Hyung,” he starts, staring down into the water. One thing that he has learnt is that he wouldn’t drown in ten foot deep water, because he has Jay, and he knows that Jay will always hold him up above the surface. “Do you believe in fate?”

Jay watches him from the side. “I haven’t thought about it much.”

“Neither did I,” Jungwon quietly breathes. “But… I think I do, now. I do believe in it. Because— you make me believe, hyung. In everything.”

Jay is silent.

I know I don’t tell you enough about how I feel, because I find it hard, but I just…” Jungwon trails off, fighting down the urge to curl into a ball and not finish his sentence. He forces himself to for Jay. “I feel like I’ve known you all my life. And I don’t know what my life would be like without you.”

“Jungwon—”

“I’m sorry for ever being a coward,” he goes on, still not looking at Jay. “I can’t live without you. It’s weird, because I feel like I’ve never lived without you. In any lifetime.”

Jay is quiet for a few seconds.

Jungwon listens to the sounds of the water hitting the base of the bridge, little waves forming from the current. He lets his eyes flutter shut.

“Jungwon,” he repeats, and fingers brush against his. “My sweet Jungwon who carries so much. You’ll never have to live without me. Never.”

He feels strange. Codependent. Like Jay is the breath in his lungs and the blood in his veins.

Jay moves impossibly closer. It wouldn’t seem like much to an outsider, but Jungwon feels the way their arms press together, the warmth seeping from Jay’s body into his own.

“I think I believe in fate, too, actually,” Jay goes on, his voice barely above a murmur. “Which is why I think that we’ll be fine. This will all be fine.”

Jungwon resists the urge to rest his head on his shoulder. “You really think so?”

“I know so,” Jay clarifies. “You have nothing to worry about. Hyung will always be here to support you. Us.”

Jungwon doesn’t doubt that for a moment.

He knows that Jay would do anything to keep him safe, and Jungwon knows that he himself will do everything in his power to do the same. So maybe they will be fine. They have each other, and they’re surrounded by people who love them dearly.

His fears are just fears. Jungwon has realised that there is no point in letting them dictate his happiness. Jay has lifted the burden off his shoulders, lessening the load of what he has always carried silently, and made him understand that he doesn’t always have to be silent.

“I love you,” Jungwon whispers. A secret just between them. It’s more special that way.

Jay hums contentedly. “I love you too,” he says, then turns to him slightly. “You know that I’m always in here.”

He reaches over and taps against Jungwon’s heart with two fingers.

Jungwon knows that he can probably feel his hammering pulse. But that’s okay, because he has nothing to hide from Jay. Not anymore.

So he smiles, eyes crinkling, and knows that he doesn’t have to say anything in response. Jay is already aware of the entire universe inside of him.

The future is so uncertain. It’s all still scary, and Jungwon knows that it will probably be scary for years to come.

However, one thing that isn’t uncertain is Jay’s love for him, so as long as he has that, he knows that everything will be fine.

Because they are the two flowers growing from the same stem, they are the two cats outside the dorm who link their tails together, and Jay is the sun in the sky of Jungwon’s heart.

None of which will ever die, because they’re all made of love. Love does not die. It expands and it grows, cultivating new things that are born equally as soft.

So, yes, maybe far in the future when neither of them exist anymore, there will be a tree that grows from Jungwon’s heart. And if opened up, there will be two lines in the wood that run next to each other for as far as it goes.

Because, in any universe, who is he without Jay?