Chapter Text
January 2017
“So if we can’t be ‘something,’ then what can we be?”
This goddamn, stupidly stubborn omega, Ilya thinks. As much as he cares for Shane, sometimes he can be incredibly infuriating. Ilya’s just implied that they can’t be anything — that it’s not safe for either of them to be in a relationship with the other, that they probably need to stop everything since feelings are now involved — and Shane’s already looking for loopholes.
These past few months have been utterly painful for Ilya; Shane freaking out in Boston, the two of them going no-contact, and Ilya onlooking as Rose entered the picture. Ilya’s had to sit idly by with a pit in his stomach as his alpha yelled at him to chase after his the omega. Screamed at him to disregard his concerns about Russia, about hockey, about fragile feelings.
As badly as Ilya wants to give in, to crumble and kiss Shane and tell him that they can be whatever he wants to be, it’s too dangerous. Not only for Ilya with his homeland, and not just because both of them would be in a homosexual relationship while playing in the discriminatory MLH, but also because of Shane being an omega. Only a handful of people know about his designation, and Shane intends to keep it that way because he doesn’t want to risk all he’s worked for. So basically, entering a real relationship would be throwing Shane’s career, if not both of theirs, in the garbage if they were found out.
But on the other hand, Shane is asking Ilya this question knowing all of these facts. Shane knows that their careers are at risk if they’re outed; he knows that he’s putting himself on the line. And some wicked, twisted part of Ilya and his alpha sings at that — Shane cares enough to do that for them. For this undefined, but obviously existent, relationship.
Ilya ruminates over all of these swirling thoughts as he contemplates an answer to Shane’s question. His alpha knows what he wants — he’s practically howling at Ilya to just offer monogamy already. After all, he hasn’t had any desire to sleep with anyone in months because his alpha’s already chosen the omega. His alpha chose Shane a long time ago, and Ilya’s just now catching up.
But there’s the other side of Ilya, the more logical side, that knows it’s not fair to ask Shane to be exclusive. It’s not fair to ask Shane to give up everything just to have to hide from the world, constantly in danger of his secrets being revealed. Plus, it wouldn’t be much different than what they have now — sneaking around, seeing each other on rare occasions. And Ilya doesn’t know if he can go back to that.
And there’s also a meek voice that pops up in the middle of all of these thoughts, inserting an insecure,
What if Shane doesn’t want you?
So finally, he settles on an answer. He has to let Shane go; no matter how much Ilya suffers, no matter how much it pains both of them. They can’t go back to how it was before Boston, and they can’t move forward. So they can either be stuck in limbo, or they can try to move on.
He’s biting his tongue, holding back the ‘We can’t be anything’ that he’s preparing to outburst. His alpha’s kicking and screaming, making his dissatisfaction with Ilya’s conclusion well-known. Ilya doesn’t know what he or his alpha will do without Shane. In complete honesty, both will probably die slowly without the omega as Ilya’s own. He knows it's dramatic, but the thought of moving on is unbearable. And Ilya doesn’t see another way forward.
He looks up at Shane, at his beautiful brown eyes that are awaiting any sort of reply. Shit, Ilya doesn’t know how long it’s been since Shane asked his question — he’s probably kept him waiting for a while. Ilya can practically feel his own face fall, feel his eyes saddening as he opens his mouth to respond…
But Shane beats him to it. Just as Ilya’s preparing to speak the first word, Shane starts rambling, “Sorry, it’s stupid. I don’t really know what I’m asking. I just— I can’t go on without you, but you said we can’t be anything. So never mind, it’s fine, just forget it—”
He stands up, facing the door and showing his intent to leave the conversation unfinished. But before he even takes a step, Ilya’s gripping his wrist like a lifeline, trying to pull him back, turn him around, make him stay. Anything. The omega keeps pulling, trying to wriggle his wrist free, before Ilya mutters a quiet, “Shane…”
Shane stills upon hearing his first name, slowly turning to face the alpha, whose hand remains clasping his wrist. Ilya takes a deep breath, eyes darting around. Here he goes. For the first time in their relationship, he’s going to be honest by expressing his thoughts and feelings (finally).
“I just— I cannot ask for us to be exclusive. I do not want something that is unfair to either of us. I feel like it would cause more pain than happiness, and I would hate myself if I held you back. If I asked you to keep enduring the same as what we already have over the past 6 years.”
He looks up, gaze falling upon Shane’s sorrowful expression. “But…”
Ilya watches Shane’s face light up with the singular word. It wouldn’t be noticeable to many people, but Ilya’s spent years analyzing his the omega. With renewed confidence, Ilya continues, hesitantly crafting his next words.
“Even though I do not know how it would work, I want nothing more than to be with you, at least in some capacity. I do not think I can go back to how it was before, but we can figure something out. That is, if you want to—”
Shane cuts Ilya off before his speech can turn into rambling, grabbing the alpha’s hand and squeezing once. With his other hand, he strokes Ilya’s cheek before tracing the alpha’s jaw, breathing out a small “Ilya…” The omega smiles, exhaling like he’s extracting the tension from his body as he responds, “I want to, too. We don’t have to sort out specifics right now, we can figure it out as we go. But yeah, I can’t go back to how it was before, either. My omega might kill me.”
Although Shane may have intended for Ilya to think he was joking, the alpha knows he was serious in his words. Ilya huffs a short chuckle, using a facetious tone when he replies, “Okay good, because my alpha was screaming at me to not let you go.”
Shane barks out a laugh, glancing at their still-connected hands before interlacing their fingers. He squeezes once more while he inhales shallowly, an admission on his lips as he uses a small tone to say, “It’s only been you for… for a long time. My omega doesn’t want anyone else.”
Ilya’s breath hitches at Shane’s confession — he’d thought he was the only one with these feelings. His body subconsciously releases a breath of relief, one that he didn’t know he was holding until he heard the words leave his the omega’s mouth. With that, Ilya feels himself relax, his arms stretching out as he breathes a soft, “Omega…” signaling for Shane to come to him.
“Alpha…” Shane replies as he falls into Ilya’s lap, placing his legs on either side of the alpha’s thighs to straddle him. His arms wrap around Ilya’s shoulders almost reflexively, engulfing him in a hug as the alpha reciprocates the embrace.
(Ilya will contemplate later on the fact that this is the first time they’ve hugged each other. The first time they've used their designations as terms of endearment for each other. And about how it’s even more intimate than using each other’s first names. And about how it felt so right.)
Ilya has no idea how long they hold each other like that; he only knows that he never wants to move — Shane’s head is buried in the crook of his shoulder, and despite the omega’s ever-present patch, he scents content. But when Shane starts to squirm in his lap, Ilya loosens his grasp on the omega, allowing him to pull back. Ilya grins when cheerful brown eyes meet his, a sappy smile on Shane’s face while he twirls the curls at the nape of the alpha’s neck.
Suddenly, there’s a spike of anxiety in Shane’s scent, his face straightening and eyes cast down as he says, “I know we said we didn’t need specifics right now but… where do we go from here?”
Passing his best sympathetic smile, Ilya replies with a soft tone, “I do not know yet.”
But Ilya knows his the omega — he has some idea. It may take a minute, but Shane’s going to speak up about it and… oh, yeah, here he goes.
“I know this may be a big step, but…” He pauses, his face reflecting the internal conflict he’s facing over his words. “Let me ask it this way. When is your rut?”
Oh.
Oh.
If Shane thinks he’s being subtle, he’s sorely mistaken. He wants to cycle together?! Ilya’s trying not to freak out — he doesn’t know if it’s in a good or bad sense, but he’s fighting to keep his composure.
He hasn’t even knotted Shane, and his the omega wants to sync cycles?!
Holy shit.
Okay, okay. Ilya takes a few steadying breaths, watching as Shane searches his face for a reaction. He chooses to play dumb, kind of wanting to see Shane’s plan for addressing this. “During off-season, usually late July. Why?”
Shane nods, a ghost of a smile playing at his lips, like that’s the reply he was wishing for. “Okay, hear me out,” he starts, and Ilya can’t wait to see where this is going. “Let me explain before you ask questions.” Ilya bobs his head, signaling to Shane that he can continue without interruption.
“Would you… would you want to cycle together? My heat is usually in late July, also. And I’m not just asking because I want to, even though that’s the main reason. I also don’t think my omega could take another heat without an alpha. The past few years, my solo heats have been getting progressively worse, and my omega and I don’t want another alpha besides you. And we’d be really safe about it, and—”
He cuts himself off, reestablishing eye contact with Ilya’s observing gaze. Ilya knows Shane’s looking for some sort of response, but he’s at a loss for words. Not only is he still freaking out, but he also feels a flare of concern at Shane’s explanation — what does he mean by his solo heats have been getting worse? Not only that, but why has he not said anything until now?
Ilya can sense his alpha, slightly angry (not at Shane, just that he hasn’t been open, but Ilya supposes that’s his fault) and worried at his the omega’s words. But he can also feel the smugness, the urge to claim. Shane’s just implied that he hasn’t shared a heat (at least in years, if not ever), and Ilya’s alpha is practically salivating over the opportunity to be the first. No matter how prominent the feeling, Ilya shoves it down — he’ll deal with that later.
He looks back at the sweet omega in his lap, running his hands along Shane’s waist as he responds in a hesitant tone, “Shane, I haven’t even knotted you yet.”
And Ilya almost laughs, because Shane’s expression barely changes, like it’s the most obvious thing Ilya could’ve said. The omega only subtly nods, like he’s expecting the alpha to continue talking.
“Okay,” Ilya says, “Let me put it this way. You have seen how big I am. I have never knotted you, and you want to share heat and rut where I will knot you… countless times.”
God help Ilya, because Shane just responds with a terse, “Yeah. That’s right.” The omega smiles, like he has no clue what he’s just said, and continues by asking, “Will you come to my cottage this summer? Don’t go to Russia. Come to my house. It’s so private, no one will know. We could have a week, or even two, depending on how long my heat lasts…”
Ilya tries to stop Shane’s rambling with a “Gospodi, Shane...”“Jesus, Shane...” but the omega’s already started his incessant planning. “I know it’s a lot to ask for the whole summer, but if you really wanted to, you could stay. I— I want you to stay. So will you come?”
Yes is all Ilya’s brain supplies. His The sweet omega in front of him is gazing at him with such wide, pleading eyes, and how could Ilya say anything but yes? The hands running along Ilya’s neck and shoulders don’t help; fingers are even tracing along his glands now. Either Shane knows exactly what he’s doing, or it’s a subconscious tick — Ilya doesn’t know which is better.
But as much as Ilya wants to say yes, he has to run logistics first. He needs to figure out whether he needs to go to Russia this summer, whether he can spend that long in Canada on his visa, and whether he can get a flight and rental car. Ilya’s never been one for planning, but he needs to think this out.
So as much as it pains him to say and as much as he hates to see Shane’s reaction, he responds with a quick, “Let me think about it.”
And oh no, Shane’s face crumbles. Ilya scrambles to reassure his the omega, who’s leaning forward to hide his face in the alpha’s neck, a single tear tracking down his cheek. “No, no, sweet omega. I just mean I need to look into it. Of course I want to be there with you, just let me figure some things out. Okay, malyshbaby?”
The pet name slips without Ilya meaning to, but oh well. It’s not like he can help it, looking down at Shane’s sad but adorable face. Luckily, the reassurances helped — the omega comes out of hiding enough for Ilya to guide his face up, planting a firm, sweet kiss on his lips. Shane hums into it, both men indulging in the other’s mouth, losing track of time.
But before anything can escalate, Shane slowly inches himself off of Ilya’s lap. A puzzled look on his face, Ilya tries to grab the omega and bring him back, confusedly muttering, “Shane, where are you going?”
And the tease just looks back at Ilya, responding in a sing-songy voice, “If you want to continue this, and if you want to knot me, I guess you’ll just have to come to the cottage.”
“Shane! Wait, no…” Ilya scrambles off the bed and reaches for Shane, the omega slipping through his fingers and dashing for the door. “Byeee Alphaaa,” he replies with a lilt in his voice, opening the door before Ilya tries to convince him to stay.
Two hours later, Ilya’s texting Shane to say he’s coming to the cottage, all details sorted quicker than he thought possible. Amazing what the promise of heat sex will accomplish, but Ilya assumes that was Shane’s goal.