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C.J. sat back on the couch in her office, letting the cushion sink under her. All she wanted was a few minutes of peace and to pretend something in her life was on the right track. She almost felt a little guilty that she didn’t want to discuss her future with Danny when he asked. But in her mind, this was basically a new relationship. It was quite a leap from friends and professional peers to dating and building a future together, and she didn’t understand how he didn’t seem to be experiencing the stark contrast that she was.
Instead, here she was, two weeks away from leaving the White House for good with no plan for what came next. Although she thought she had a great rapport with Franklin Hollis, she didn’t know if she had the energy to dive into a new nonprofit. She knew she wouldn’t be fulfilled by filling a board seat for a few hours a week, and going to a typical 9-5 corporate job didn’t seem to make sense after years in politics. It was something she fantasized about in the first two or three years of the administration, especially after things like Rosslyn and the MS scandal, but now she’d rather do anything else.
Not to mention, she’d never dealt with the pain of her friendship with Toby being in shambles. She knew she’d done what she needed to when he confessed to the leak, but now she was starting to wish they could talk. Maybe see if they still had something special for each other. But that’ll be hard to do if he goes to prison, she realized. And I don’t think I’m meant to have a relationship under those terms. At least Danny is a free man.
She popped her head out her office door. Margaret was away from her desk, likely on her own lunch hour or running some errand C.J. had forgotten she sent her on. Phew. Good time for a nap.
But when she reached into the closet to grab her blanket, she bumped her head off the top shelf. She winced and pulled back, relieved that she didn’t see any blood, but she definitely felt a little off-balance. She decided the best thing to do was lie down, so she set her phone alarm for an hour from now and closed her eyes, knowing she could always take a Tylenol if her head started pounding.
C.J. awoke to a knock at the door, and she groaned and pulled herself off the couch. But when she opened all of her doors, including the one to the Oval, no one was there. If this was the ghost of Leo or former President Lassiter, she was not amused. This was not the time for the building to be haunted.
The knock got louder, and she froze before realizing it was coming from the closet. There was no explanation for how someone got inside and locked themselves in, and quite honestly, she didn’t want to know. It seemed like something Josh would have done. Then she’d let him out and they’d have a good laugh about it later. Right now, though, she briefly debated ignoring it and going back to sleep.
But curiosity got the better of her. She opened the closet and gasped in horror when an identical twin she had never seen before stepped out, running a hand through long, straight brown hair, same as always. Her twin was wearing a green t-shirt and relaxed jeans and looked put together rather than like she hadn’t showered or slept in two or three days.
“Nice office,” the twin said. “I can see why you’re at least thinking about working for Santos. I noticed the Oval Office is right next door. So many people would kill for that kind of life. And when you decide you’re done, you can basically write your own ticket.”
C.J. blinked. “I’m sorry. How do you know who I am?”
“I’m future you. To avoid confusion, you can call me Claudia.”
“How is that fair? That’s my full first name!”
“I know. It’s not that hard to understand since no one here calls you that, and I like the sound of Claudia. It has a different ring to it, more fun and lighthearted I think.
“But listen, you have to let me out of this closet. I’m claustrophobic and I don’t know how you don’t feel the same.”
“You just got done telling me I have a nice office. To be honest, it is spacious. I didn’t mind where I was when I was press secretary, but it wasn’t until I moved in here that I had a decorator. Although at this point, it feels like the walls are closing in.”
Claudia sat on the couch and crossed her legs, pushing C.J.’s blanket to the side. “I guess what I’m trying to say is, I know you still like this. You feel like you’re working for the greater good. That this is the highest honor you could have.”
“I’m not so sure about that.” C.J. laughed and, against her better judgment, sat next to Claudia. “I mean, at one time, I felt that way. But now I’m exhausted and hurt and don’t know what happened to my life. I’m supposed to be out of here in two weeks, if I don’t decide to stay, that is. And for the first time, I’m lost.”
“Well, how about if I tell you what life could be like? See, I have some powers that you don’t. I took a little trip a few years into the future. I’ve experienced what you’re mulling over, and I think I can give you some advice.”
“Wait…how many lives have you lived? I haven’t even made my choice yet. Santos gave me a great offer. Danny wants us to start a new life together. And I really like what Hollis wants me to do, plus he is going to give me basically an unlimited budget to make a difference.”
“I’ve had a little taste of everything.” Claudia grinned. “But the catch is, I’m not here to tell you what to do. Every choice comes with pros and cons. Margaret was the one who said that to you, remember? By the way, she is practically a mind reader. I should have brought her with me on my journey. She ended up doing her own thing after the White House, though. Has her own bakery. Gosh, wait till you try the chocolate covered cherry cookies.”
“My assistant has her life more together than me.”
“That’s because Margaret knew what she wanted and wasn’t afraid of the future.” Claudia put her hands on her lap. “Now, are you going to let me tell you a story or would you rather me disappear out of your conscience and go back to oblivion?”
C.J. shrugged. “I guess I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.”
“Excellent. I’ll take that as a yes. So, the first version of the story is that you stay here. Margaret has already moved on. And you know this already, but a lot of your friends have gone too. The Bartlets, for obvious reasons. Debbie retired. Ronna’s at her desk now. Donna’s in the East Wing, but you won’t see her every day. Carol left at some point too to continue her communications career. Charlie’s gone to law school. Josh has moved in here, and Sam is in his old office, but other than that, the West Wing feels like a whole new world.
“You have some other spacious office near the Oval. Santos’ staff is perfectly nice and you get along with them. But Helen’s not the type of first lady Abbey was. She’s passionate about equity in public education but she’s struggling with every other aspect of being here. She and Matt are stressed out about their marriage. They don’t divorce, but they go through a lot of ups and downs, especially in that first year. You weren’t much surprised to hear them fight in the oval similar to how the Bartlets did.
“Your hours aren’t much better either. You’re still working a lot, wondering what could have been, but at the same time, you try to find pleasure in working for the president.”
“What do I think about?” C.J. asked, finding herself more intrigued.
“Danny, for one thing. You know he’s a good guy that wanted more than you were ready to give. But don’t worry, I saw what happened if you chose him. You’re going to go crazy on me when I tell you this, but try not to.”
“Is it a good crazy?”
“That depends. How do you feel about having a baby? Slowing down for a little while like I can tell you want to do right now? A baby does that to you. So does pregnancy once you’re in the seventh or eighth month.” Claudia grabbed her back. “Yeah. Sometimes I still feel that. Did you know pushing out a baby can take over an hour when it’s your first?”
“I was pregnant?” C.J. frowned. “Never saw myself doing that, honestly.”
“It wasn’t exactly planned. Danny wanted children; you were undecided and didn’t know about going through all that. But you did because he loves you and he was ready for this, and you’ve learned to enjoy having a child. The thing is, it’s hard on you. You left behind a demanding career and thought you were getting to live for yourself. You still work, don’t get me wrong. You’d never make it as a stay-at-home mom. But I know you cried a lot because you just traded one set of stress for another. Once you’re a mother, you’re always tied to your child, no matter how old they get.”
“What’s pregnancy like?”
“Hard as hell when you’re in your 40s. And you’re considered high risk so you had a ton of extra doctor’s appointments. You didn’t always like that either. You convinced yourself you were getting a happy family at the end, but face it…no one likes medical tests and being prodded all the time.”
“I’m guessing there’s a third option. Hollis?”
“Yeah,” Claudia replied. This time, she lowered her voice and was decidedly less animated. “You and Danny are still in California and the baby comes along later, but you still have a career you’re proud of. You’re making a difference and bringing much-needed infrastructure to Africa. Your name may not be in the papers as much as it was when you were press secretary, but you don’t care about that. You found your passion.”
“Claudia…” C.J. said. “Is there any version of my life where I’m just…figuring it out by myself? Did you have any way of knowing that Danny and I aren’t exactly on the same page right now?”
“Yes. That’s why I told you all these different stories. But the good news is, there is a version of this where you step away and do exactly what you asked me. You don’t take either job. You ignore headhunters for a little while, or tell them you’re taking a sabbatical if that feels better. You don’t immediately tie yourself to a serious relationship.
“Instead you go home on January 20 in the afternoon. On January 21, you wake up later than you have in years. Have a leisurely breakfast. Maybe drive your car again or take a walk, even if it’s 25 degrees. Which it probably is. I mean, this is DC in January. You feel lighter. You’re not answering to anyone. You never forget these last eight years but also don’t try to figure out the next move in a day.”
“That sounds nice.”
“I knew you’d enjoy that. Because what I’ve seen that you haven’t is not just all these different versions of your life with one job or the other, or even motherhood. It’s what happens when you finally turn off all the noise and listen to yourself. Like what happens when Danny means well and cares about you, but you’re not sure if he’s the best choice just because he’s there and feels a certain way. Or you don’t know if you want to work for Santos because you’re passionate about politics and spending your career here, or if you feel safer in this bubble. Not that I blame you. No office you go to work in will ever have this level of security.”
“It hurts to not think of seeing my friends all the time.” C.J. said. “Because this isn’t any other job. We’ve all been through something special together.”
“Everyone has their own lives now.” Claudia shrugged. “Work has changed even for the people you do know. Donna has a whole other set of priorities. Josh is doing everything you and Leo did as chief of staff. You can have your memories, but it’s never going to be the same as it was.”
“You didn’t mention one person. What about Toby?”
“Ahhh, I excluded him for a reason. You know his own future is uncertain, but in a different way than yours. I did get a glimpse of Bartlet looking at the pardon. But I’m not going to tell you if he signed it. You’ll have to see for yourself in two weeks.”
“OK, but he’s one of my closest friends. I feel like I lost him. Do we ever get back what we had?”
“I’m still not going to tell you. I know you’re going to see him later, right? I’ll let you take that journey for yourself.”
“So you’re not here to tell me how I should live my life? What are you here for then?”
“I was hoping you’d learn more about your future and see what you think is most livable for you, because nothing is perfect. You’ve been here for eight years, and you’ve done great work and made lasting relationships. But once you leave, people aren’t necessarily going to be telling you how important you are every day. Even this phase of being pursued for high-paying jobs won’t last forever. You and Danny will still have challenges and disagreements even if you love him. Having a child can make you both love your life and bring a whole new set of insecurities.
“If I could give you any advice, I’d say ask yourself what’s worth it and what’s not. Or who’s worth it.”
C.J. pulled the edge of her blanket closer to her lap and ran her hand over it. She tried to ignore the burn of tears coming to her eyes, but couldn’t help it.
“You OK?” Claudia asked. “Here.” She stood up and grabbed a tissue off of C.J.’s desk.
“C.J., these aren’t easy choices,” she continued. “Being here can make you feel like you’re cut off from the rest of the world. A lot of people who are here right now are going to leave the building at 12 noon on January 20 in your exact same boat. Who am I now? What do I do tomorrow? Some will have job offers. Some will take time off, or even retire. Very few people work here forever; a lot of them will have to transition to the next stage at some point.”
“If I know that, why am I feeling so overwhelmed?” C.J. asked.
“Because right now, it’s like you have a million voices in your head all trying to compete for your attention and hoping you choose them. Danny. Santos. Hollis. Even the written offers you got are ‘talking’ to you in a sense. And right now, you can’t really ask anyone for advice. That’s a hard place to be. Besides, even if you did ask five people what you should do, they’d all have their own opinion. It’s all going to come down to you.”
“You think I’d be used to that. People looked to me all the time in this building. Now that I need to take control of my life, I feel paralyzed.”
“That’s normal. And there’s nothing wrong with you.
“I’ll tell you, though, time is going to move faster than it ever has in the next two weeks. Make sure you take time to think by yourself. Go home at a decent hour one of these nights. Don’t call Danny. Don’t call anyone, actually. Don’t come back to the office unless it is truly a crisis. None of this ‘oh let me just go back and do a little more transition paperwork.’ Stay home. Have a drink or a favorite snack if you want to. And visualize what you want to wake up to on January 21.”
C.J. wiped away some tears. “You aren’t going to let me off the hook so easily, are you?”
“Nope. I’m hoping that my visit could force your hand a little bit. I do want you to keep your date with Toby later, though. If you cancel it and hide behind work, you’ll never get to see what happens to him. I know you’re probably still upset, but once you’re no longer chief of staff, you don’t have to avoid him anymore. Go. Talk to him. If you don’t, I know you’ll regret that. It’ll feel like a chapter of a book you never got to close.”
Claudia checked her watch and stood up. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m returning to the future so I can go to New Hampshire to see the Bartlets. You really should consider going to the farm once you’re more settled into your new life. Nothing to make you appreciate what you’ve got like apple picking and making homemade cider with Abbey.”
“Wait…” C.J. stood up and started walking toward her. “Am I going to see you again? Can I summon you or something?”
“What do I look like, a ghost from the Ouija board? Good grief.
“However, if I don’t see you sitting alone at home undisturbed at some point prior to the week of January 20…start looking over your shoulder. That is my one homework assignment, and I expect you to complete it.”
“Deal.” C.J. said.
“Good. I should start driving before it gets dark. Manchester is like eight hours from here, so I usually stay at a hotel for the night and finish the trip in the morning. You might prefer flying. I like to drive and take in the highways and historical road signs along the way.”
“I guess you won’t tell me what life you’re living before you hit the road.”
“Not a chance.” Claudia opened the closet door. “I know this is weird, but I have to slip out this way so I don’t confuse the staff. If they think I'm the present-day you, things are going to get really weird in the situation room.”
And with that, the office was quiet again. C.J. walked back to the couch, feeling like she was in a daze. She wanted to hide under the blanket and hope no one heard her talking to Claudia, because she figured she’d become White House legend in the worst way.
Although, given that she had a lot to think about, maybe lying down and clearing her head wasn’t the worst idea…
“C.J.?”
C.J. blinked her eyes open to the sound of Margaret’s voice. She could overhear Bartlet having a phone call of some sort in the oval, and she had no idea if it was something she’d coordinated. Maybe someone was giving him well wishes before he left office. He was getting more of those by the day.
The only other sound in her office was the ding of her inbox. The closet door was slightly ajar, and she almost opened it to make sure Claudia wasn’t going to emerge at any minute.
“C.J.?” Margaret asked again.
“Sorry,” C.J. replied. “You need something?”
“Are you all right? You have a transition meeting with communications at 3. You told me to remind you. I can see if it can be moved to tomorrow.”
“Could you? I have a headache. Don’t tell anyone that, though. Just say I had a scheduling conflict.”
“Can I get you anything?”
“Um, some ice and a bottle of Tylenol. I had kind of a klutz move when I went to get a blanket.”
Margaret nodded and shut the door.
I’m going to miss her, C.J. thought. But if she opens a bakery, I’m definitely going to patronize it.
“You never told me if you were OK,” Margaret said when she came back about five minutes later. She set down a packet of Tylenol and a bag of ice. “Sorry. I couldn’t find any ice packs in the First Aid kit. I just made this from the freezer in one of the staff lounges.”
“It’s sufficient. And I’m fine. I just had a really weird dream when I was sleeping, that’s all.”
“Been there. Leo used to say it’s really easy to hear voices in this place when you’re trying to handle an international crisis at 3 a.m. But when I came back, it sounded like you were talking in your sleep, so I figured I’d make sure that wasn’t happening to you.”
“I appreciate it. Although I am embarrassed you heard that.”
“Your secret’s safe with me.”
C.J. smiled and took the Tylenol before holding the ice to her head. Claudia would probably get me for this, she thought. Probably would think I had really lost my marbles.
Still, she was grateful for the weirdness. Even if she still had no idea what to do next.