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When off a call, just at the firehouse, it honestly felt more draining than scaling a cliff or putting out fires. In situations like that, Buck had something to focus on; a means in trying to reach an end, and he could concentrate. People screaming while trapped in teetering cars pierced his ears like nothing else, he swears his skull has vibrated with the chattering of onlookers near structure fires, but it could all be ignored because he had passion, and a drive to help someone.
While at the station though, chatter felt like an incredibly irritating poke that he couldn’t swat away. It was like he could feel the ossicles in his ears vibrating; probably because he actually could, and that creeped him out more.
He wanted to scream at the sound of everyone’s voice, even at just one voice. He couldn’t stand the sound of any of it. It made him so, irrationally, angry. He genuinely wanted to punch the next person who spoke to him; yell for the entire station to shut up, and only then would he be able to breathe.
Buck tried to throw himself into work; his chores, but even though they were repetitive and somewhat soothing, it gave him little relief when he couldn’t focus on them enough to tune everyone out.
So he was basically stuck in the firehouse, doing chores he hated doing, while feeling like his ears were bleeding. All alongside an unbridled rage he felt he couldn’t contain, and the last thing he wanted was to blow up at anyone who didn’t deserve his wrath. They were people too, who deserve to do what pleasured them; was what Buck would keep telling himself, rationalizing his anger.
His lips were pinched between his teeth, pulling them into a tight, straight line as he blinked past the glare of the firetruck’s surface as he washed it shiny. Light never bothered him much, but when everything was infuriating, new things started to bother him. The squeaking of people’s shoes as they walked on the freshly mopped floor, the whistling of someone in the station, the annoying laugh someone somewhere was bellowing; it was all making him so angry he wanted to cry. His waterline burned with unspilled tears. He tried holding them back, looking up to hopefully have gravity do the heavy lifting; drain the lacrimal fluid back into its duct, but it all just uncomfortably stuck up his eyelashes.
He was a grown man, he could do his chores like everyone else in the firehouse was doing, and not blow his top before their next call. He hoped; no knew, that he would be fine if they just got a call. Something to divert his attention to and work towards a finish product, that product being the life of a person, Hell, Buck would even be fine saving a cat from a tree at this point, he just needed to get out of this firehouse.
Someone slapped their hand on Buck’s shoulder as he stood facing the ladder truck, wiping a rag over its surface. He closed his eyes momentarily and took a deep breath, trying to contain his anger and muster the courage to speak. He felt too lazy, and too frustrated to articulate anything; not that he couldn’t, but he would much, much rather not. Just the thought felt exhausting.
“Yeah?” He asked, straining, not able to hold back the annoyed sigh at the end of his words.
“I think the truck is clean Buck” Bobby informed, “Why don’t you get something to eat?”
Bobby was right. The truck was practically spotless; so shiny it reflect the people walking past it. But Buck had just stood there, trying not to move, his joints achy and stiff, hoping he could just put no effort into anything until a call came in.
“If you say so…” Buck sighed again, breathing deeply as dread settled into his chest. He felt like he would throw up anything he ate right now. But he dropped his rag into the bucket of cleaner at his feet and slowly walked past Bobby to the stairs behind him.
“Something the matter?” He asked, turning with Buck as he stepped around him.
Buck just shook his head, taking the opportunity to not speak if he could. He felt out of breath, winded even, from just the two sentences he spoke.
He trudged up the stairs to the loft where the kitchen was. Bobby had clearly made a meal, mostly side snacks like fruit and vegetables, but a larger dish of spaghetti laid in the center. It seemed Bobby was catering to any and all sized appetites one could have at the moment. Buck was going to pick something up, a grape, but as he extended his arm out to grab one, an alarm went off. He immediately perked, his heart racing and his adrenaline pumping. It took only another second for him to realize it was a cooking timer right beside him. He slammed his hand over it, angrily, to shut it off. He then threw himself into a seat at the table, propping his elbows on it and leaning his face into his hands. He covered his eyes at first, brimming with so much rage he started stomping his heeling into the tiled floor. He took in huffs of breath, on the verge of tears again. He was bitting on the inside of his bottom lip just past where it started to hurt and just before he broke the skin. He felt like he was going crazy. For a brief moment his rage canceled out all noise around him, not that he didn’t hear it, but that he was so mad everything sounded like static.
All until he heard his name in a sentence. He didn’t know who was speaking to him or what about, but he heard his name, and that pulled him back into the noise of the station. His hands pulled themselves to the sides of his head from his eyes to his ears. He pressed his palms flat against the shells of his ears, creating a muffled effect. He still heard everything but it was greatly dampened. He would have never done this in public, too embarrassed to look like a tantrum-ing toddler, but he seriously couldn’t take it anymore. He’d start breaking stuff if he heard that person’s laugh one more time.
His eyes were still screwed shut, his former tears so faint, that all they did was form a thin line on his eye; not visible but so incredibly annoying he just might have to gauge them out.
He heard his name again, not alongside a question this time. Just his name, muffled through his hands. He screwed his eyes shut tighter in response, biting harder on his lower lip to keep it from quivering. His leg stoped stomping the floor and met with his other under his chair, bent at his toes to simulate walking on them like that, like he found himself doing in his apartment, alone. But he wasn’t alone. He was in a loaded firestation, filled with at least twenty people, all talking, all laughing horridly, all squeaking their shoes, it was Hell, it felt like pure Hell.
He hadn’t noticed when tears started trailing out of the corners of his eyes or that his jaw now ached with how much it was trying to not clench it, until someone’s fingers pressed against the bottom of his chin and their thumb wiped the tears to the side.
Buck’s eyes blinked open, a bit startled. He was about to bring his hands down, away from his ears, but the second the suction was lost, the noise became stabbing again, so he immediately put them back, pressing hard against the sides of his skull to compensate. He was breathing harder now, shaky on his exhale, swallowing around the saliva reflex of nausea. His eyes were blurry with un-fallen tears, but he blinked to try and clear them without removing his hands.
He still couldn’t bring himself to talk, but a whine escaped his throat through his hard, shaky breaths.
His eyes followed the hand still rested under his chin tenderly, up the persons arm, to their chest, then face. He met their eyes momentarily, recognizing Eddie. He tore his gaze away from him, mostly because he just genuinely could not focus the energy on looking into Eddie’s eyes, but also because he was so embarrassed of how he was acting right now. He screwed his eyes shut again, looking his head down against the strength of the hand under his chin.
“Buck…” Eddie said, his face scrunched in worry. The way he said it was so soothing, not in his tone or with any context, but purely just the way he articulated and pronounced it.
Buck sighed at the sound, finding it the only sound that wasn’t painfully irritating. Though at every passing minute Buck was straying from being irritated to completely inundated. He felt like he was drowning. He only had two hands but he needed them to do so many things; plug his ears, cover his eyes, clap, pull his hair; he needed it all right now.
Buck slide his hands up slightly to get his fingers to tangle into his curly hair, the balls of his palms sufficiently blocking his ears. He pulled at his hair as hard as he could, his forearms flexing with the force. But before he could derive any pleasure from it, hands, he assumed were Eddie’s, grabbed his own and tore them from not only his hair but his ears too.
Buck let out a strangled sob of a whine, his head flinging up to confront Eddie with his protests and his eyes wide with furrowed brows of rage.
“Buck, do not do that” Eddie said sternly, annunciating every word. His face was leaned over the table, closer to Buck’s, hammering home his adamancy.
Sobs followed as the full noise of the firehouse came back into his ears. He dropped his head, Eddie still holding his hands in firm grips just above the table. He tugged, without full strength, to get his hands back from Eddie, but he wouldn’t let them go. This made Buck feel trapped and restrained. He just wanted to cry, and so he did.
Eddie just stood there, holding his hands in a hard grip, watching him. He felt humiliated but the sobbing and crying wouldn’t stop even if Buck wanted it to.
“What is the matter, Buck?” Eddie asked simply, getting a bit closer to him so he could hear him over his sobs.
Buck did not want to talk, he frankly didn’t feel like he could, but he had to or otherwise he’d be crying here for God knows how long.
He swallowed hard around gasping sobs, “Loud!”
He attempted to shake his hands free from Eddie’s grip, hitting them against the table to get him to understand what he needed. But he still wouldn’t.
“Loud Buck? The station is loud?” He clarified, his grip tightening around Buck’s hands so they couldn’t get loose.
Buck nodded frantically, then shook his head, trying to press his shoulder up into his ear, needing something, absolutely anything.
Finally seeing the desperation in Buck, Eddie let go of his hands. They flew back to his ears, his knees coming up into his chair to press against his chest. Buck put his eyes against his knees, his sobbing coming down to deep, crackly breaths with breaks to swallow down the sick that was still creeping up.
Eddie sat down beside Buck, feeling now more worried, unsure what to do, or what this was. “Do I need to get Bobby? Or Hen? Do you need medical attention, Buck?” He attempted to ask, leaning in close to his ears to make sure he could hear him.
Buck shook his head. He didn’t want anyone to see him like this. Eddie was bad enough, and he was mad at him right now too for suppressing his behavior by holding his hands back. He didn’t even want him sitting beside him.
“Will you calm down by yourself?” Eddie asked.
Buck shook his head before he could even think to lie. He didn’t know what he wanted. He felt like being touched was okay, but he didn’t know by who he wanted it from. Not Eddie, not Chimney, maybe Bobby? Maybe Maddie too, but she wasn’t within tangible reach. If she was here, she’d be able to explain everything to them so he didn’t have to, and she would’ve been able to comfort him before he even got to this state.
“Mad-…” he was cut off by his own choked sob.
“You’re mad?” Eddie asked, tilting his head slightly in confusion.
Buck was, yes, but that is not what he was trying to say.
“Mad…die…” he said through tears.
“Maddie? Your sister? You want your sister?” Eddie asked, his voice perking with a sense of understanding.
When he worded it like that though, it made Buck feel like a little kid. Oh does little Buck want his big strong sister? Yes he did, but could someone say it in a less patronizing way?
He heard and felt Eddie stand up from the table. He felt slightly eased without someone around him, watching him fall apart. What if they got a call right now? Could he spring up and respond to it right now? Was he too far gone?
Eddie just stood at the stairs down to the truck bay though, on the phone with Maddie presumably, and if Buck could see, he was also waving up Bobby from the base floor.
“He said he needs you Maddie…I’m not sure, but he’s crying a lot, inconsolable, and tried hurting himself earlier… no he’s fine, but he needs you, none of us can help him… okay, I’ll see you in a bit” then Eddie hung up, just as Bobby had made it to the top of the stairs.
“Buck…?” He spoke quietly, worried.
He just breathed shakily, pulling his knees closer to his chest as he heard Bobby say his name, then he held his breath as he heard him step closer.
“Probably don’t touch him, Cap” Eddie warned, keeping Bobby from touching Buck.
Oh my God, why does Eddie keep making decisions for him?! He barely knows him. He wanted Bobby to touch him, hug him, even if just a hand on his shoulder.
He heard Bobby sigh, presumably a sound of him pulling back his outreached hand.
Buck slammed his hands against the table, rattling the plates on top of it. He stomped his feet down from his chair to the floor simultaneously. He lifted his tear streaked face up in the direction of Bobby, his expression angry and exhausted.
“Buck…? You okay?” He asked quietly. He knew Buck. He knew what he needed most of the time, but had never seen him like this.
Buck stood up. He was planning to walk up to Bobby and hug him, tightly, yearning for him to hold him back; wrap his arms around him and palm his neck. But his body just walked right past him and clocked Eddie in the side of the face before practically jumping down the loft stairs and escaping into the bunk room.
Eddie bent over, holding his face for a moment, turning up to Bobby for his two-cents as Buck practically ran away. Bobby’s mouth was agape. It wasn’t unusual for Buck to be impulsive, but what did Eddie do to warrant that?
“What the hell?” Eddie eventually said, standing up straighter, holding his jaw. The majority of the firestation went quiet, either witnessing Buck’s outburst or following the silence of others.
“I, uh…” Bobby was speechless, but tapped Eddie’s shoulder as he made his way past him and down the loft stairs to follow Buck.
Buck was in the bunk room, praying that no one would follow him. The way he punched Eddie wasn’t even intentional. He was just so mad, and he did not like Eddie trying to take charge and control him. Holding his hands made him hysterical, and he never wants anyone to do that again.
While in the bunk room, he beelined for his bed, rummaging through his side table to find a pair of headphones he knew he put in there. He had never used them since he put them in there, finding it too embarrassing to wear in public. It was obvious they were for sound proofing; an autistic thing, a trademark autistic thing.
But he put them on. He put them on because he couldn’t take it. He had never been like this. He wasn’t actively crying anymore, more like breathing through the sobs now, but his chest hurt and his knuckles hurt, and his ears hurt, and damn everything hurt.
He pulled the headphones over his ears and sighed at the almost instantaneous relief it gave him. He slumped against his bunk, one knee bent as his arm rested on it, extended by the elbow. His other hand held his head up by his fingers against his forehead. Tears threatened to fall again, but he held them back.
He didn’t hear Bobby walk in, the headphones were much better than his hands, and with his eyes closed in forced content, he didn’t see him walk up to him either. He only noticed him when the light of the room was blocked by something. He peaked his eyes open, met with Bobby standing over him.
Buck sighed, ready for the lecture but not open to it. His eyes fell closed again. But he opened them when the light shifted again and Bobby was crouched down in front of him, squatting with his hands on his knees. He searched for Buck’s eyes. And he gave them to Bobby, though partially reluctant.
“Why did you punch Eddie?” He asked, stern but not angry. Buck assumed he was in shock by the whole situation.
He could barely hear him through his headphones and that soothed him.
Buck shook his head, sighing deep breaths in and out.
“Come on Buck” Bobby cooed, though frustration started to leak into his voice. “Tell me what’s the matter so I can help…”
Buck snaked his fingers back into his hair, curling them around the front mop of hair poking under the band of his headphones. He hoped he could get a little bit of tugging in before Bobby made him stop. He sighed as he rested his face against his forearms, his hands in his hair.
“He was making me…mad” Buck wanted to explain it in further detail because just admitting he was ‘mad’ didn’t help his case. It made it seem like he was throwing a tantrum.
“You should not have done that” Bobby said sternly, eyebrows furrowed in worry, anger, and confusion. Why was this happening? Why was Buck acting like this?
“I know” he said, exasperated and zapped of all energy. He wasn’t actively sobbing, or even crying anymore. But his eyes were tender, his hand hurt from punching Eddie, his body felt flushed and hot, and a headache was now creeping in.
“You will have to face the consequences of this” Bobby said, still just as stern, and still holding the same worried, angry, and confused look.
“I know” Buck replied, still exhausted and breathy.
“Can you tell me what happened?” His voice was less demanding now, and more of a coo, meant to assure Buck he thought.
Buck nodded, though he wasn’t sure what he’d actually say. He didn’t want to be reprimanded, but he didn’t think any explanation he gave would prevent that.
Bobby looked to him expectantly, and Buck took a breath before he spoke, trying to find the sweet spot of pain in a deep breath that stretched his muscles just right.
“Eddie was making me mad…” Buck sighed, “Not mad but like… I don’t know… he was all over me, touching me, and trying to talk to me, and especially…just-just when he trapped my hands…?” He wasn’t sure how to explain it, if ‘trapped’ was even the right word. “I need my hands Bobby and-and Eddie held them, kept them away from me, it just made me want to punch him…”
“Buck…” Bobby sighed, hesitantly falling beside him against the footboard of the bunk. He rested his wrists on his knees. “What’s going on? I’m confused”
Buck just sigh, running his hands down his face. “Everyone saw that happen right?”
Bobby just nodded.
Buck groaned, reaching one of his hands back up to his face and scratching down his skin from his hairline to his nose, his fist coming into a ball at his upper lip. He sighed heavily. Bobby didn’t stop him from scratching himself, most likely because he hadn’t known what Buck was even doing until a few seconds later when raised and red streaks bloomed on his face.
“Buck, it’s okay, calm down…” he tried to sooth.
“Is my sister here yet? Eddie called Maddie earlier” Buck huffed, holding back tears. He felt less overstimulated now, but it was replaced with regret, guilt, shame, and embarrassment. He had totally blew his fuse. Over what? Squeaky floors? Chatter?
“I don’t know, maybe” Bobby shrugged, “would her being here help you?”
Buck just nodded. “She’s my sister… she helps everything” he sighed, “if she even shows up… I don’t think she will…”
Bobby hesitantly rubbed his hand on Buck’s shoulder. He relaxed into it, leaning towards Bobby.
“Maddie can tell you anything you want to know… I don’t want to be the one who tells you…” Buck closed his eyes in content.
Bobby tilted his head, “tell me…what? Never mind, you said Maddie will, so I’ll wait for her” he smiled, pressing his hand harder into Buck’s shoulder.
Buck let out a pleased groan under his Captain’s hand, his breathing evening out slowly but surely.
“Bobby…” he said quietly.
“Yes Buck?” He replied, rubbing his shoulder in small circles.
“I’m sorry… and I’m sorry to Eddie too… I want to tell him myself, but I can’t right now, but I will later… I promise” he said, opening his eyes to look up at Bobby. He felt like a baby right now; like a small stupid little baby wishing for his big sister.
Bobby nodded, peeking up towards the door when someone walked inside the bunk room. Buck turned his head slowly to the presumed intruder.
“Maddie…” he breathed out, clambering to his feet, exhausted. He dismissed Bobby beside him in favor of his sister. She was winded, probably having run into the firestation. She frowned upon seeing his brother. He had headphones on, a red face and eyes, and odd scratches down his face that Maddie assumed he did to himself.
“Evan…” she sighed, meeting him halfway from the door, arms extended.
He threw himself against her, his arms coming over her left shoulder and under her right, grabbing his own wrist behind her back. Buck pressed his face into her shoulder momentarily, taking a deep breath. Her perfume was heavy on her clothes and Buck hated it. So he let go of Maddie, standing beside her, hiding slightly behind her.
“Your perfume smells bad…” he said softly. He didn’t have to make that comment, and wouldn’t have if it was a stranger, but this was his sister. She was used to his sensitive senses and lack of manners.
Maddie chuckled, whispering an apology to her brother.
“Are you okay Buck?”
That question again. Yes, he was, but no he wasn’t really. He was much more fine now, but that didn’t erase the whole meltdown he had before.
But regardless, he nodded, trusting that his sister wouldn’t take him at face value, she usually didn’t.
“Did he cause a ruckus, Captain Nash?” she asked, trying to assess the situation. It must have been serious for Buck to lose himself at work of all places, and so bad that she needed to be called to calm him down. But by the looks of it, he seemed mostly alright.
As he stood beside her, he tapped a foot against the ground rhythmically, the vibration going through his body and calming him further.
Bobby shook his head as he stood to his feet, dusting his pants of any debris. “Have you talked with Eddie? I think he saw more of this… breakdown, than I did” he tried to be careful with his words, but he couldn’t ignore the fact that this was a reckless, unusual, and violent outburst, regardless of the cause, Buck broke rules.
Maddie frowned, his younger brother’s embarrassment wafting to her. The shame in the room was palpable and its only source was Buck looming behind his shorter sister.
“Do you want me to tell him, Evan?” She asked quietly, turning to the side to be in more earshot, especially with the headphones he was wearing, which Maddie at least was glad he mustered up to use.
Buck nodded, his face scrunched up in cringe and embarrassment. But that was why he wanted Maddie here; to be his voice, a reliable one, unlike Eddie had been.
Maddie smiled softly, turning back to Bobby. His eyebrows were raised in question.
“Buck has autism” she said simply, though she wasn’t against elaborating if Bobby needed her to.
His eyebrows furrowed in confusion, then raised back up in shock.
“Alright… I didn’t know that… are you okay, Buck?” He eventually said, stepping a bit closer to the Buckley siblings.
He nodded timidly, face flushed with embarrassment, avoiding eye contact with Bobby or Maddie.
Bobby watched as they whispered to each other, discussing something just out of understanding. He waited patiently for either of them to direct their attention back to him.
“What happened today was a meltdown, Captain Nash” she explained, “Buck says he was very upset with the atmosphere of the station, and many of his actions were to self-soothe. It’s normal for him, and he is sorry to have caused problems”
“I’m really sorry Bobby… it won’t happen again” Buck added, his voice slightly raw and squeaky.
Bobby nodded, trying to figure out what to say. He knew what autism was, but not what it entailed, and he knew it was a very diverse condition, so he wasn’t sure what he could and could not assume. How much of this meltdown was avoidable? Did it cause Buck to hit Eddie? Was Buck even admissible for a punishment if his actions were unavoidable? Was he prone to violence?
All of those questions were left unanswered, at least for now, but the ‘is Evan Buckley fit to be a firefighter?’ question had an immediate answer in Bobby’s mind. Yes. He had been one for two years up to this point, and had proven himself to be an excellent first responder. But then, what was so different about today? What caused today to be so overwhelming to Buck?
Bobby would have to ask him that later.
“We can talk about this later alright? I do have a lot of questions I hope you can answer, but there are two things that are more important: are you okay?”
Buck nodded, “‘m fine now… and what’s the other thing?”
“Go talk to Eddie” Bobby said sternly, “Explain yourself, clear the air, apologize, whatever you need to do, just go talk to him okay?” It was impossible to keep a fire fighting team running steady if animosity was blistering between his most reckless men. It was a recipe for disaster.
Buck nodded, turning to Maddie and whispering something again to her. She nodded along with his words, eventually stepping back a bit to put some distance between herself and her brother. Buck hesitantly pealed the headphones from his ears, squinting slightly as the sound flooded back into them. It was much less than before, but he was still a bit on edge, so even if everyone in the station was being quieter, it still felt loud to him.
Maddie extended her hand out to take them from Buck. He set them in her hand with a sigh, his eyes not meeting hers, but darting behind her towards Bobby. He locked eyes with him for a few seconds, nodding, assuring him he’d get himself together. It was timid though, like he felt he was in trouble. Though he was, Bobby held very little anger.
Buck took a few backwards steps, eventually turning around and exiting the bunk room. He kept his head down, taking in deep breaths to calm himself as he felt everyone’s eyes on him as he walked through the truck bay and up the loft stairs to the kitchen. He didn’t think Eddie would still be there, but it was the most logical first place to look.
Buck paused at the top when his eyes landed on Eddie sitting at the table, an ice pack pressed against his face through a paper towel. He wasn’t expecting to have to face him so soon. Checking up here was more of a formality, so he thought he’d have more time to think of an apology. He was a deer caught in headlights.
“Buck” Eddie flashed a tight, irritated smile, his head tilting in his direction before swaying back to the table.
Buck held his hands together in front of his diaphragm, fiddling with his fingers nervously. He gave Eddie back a quick smile, but he had turned his head already, so Buck was smiling at no one. He sighed, embarrassed with himself, if not before, then definitely now.
“Buck…” he echoed, trying to reflect Eddie’s tone. He slowly stepped towards the table, it still covered in plates and bowls of food. “I uh… I like the way you say my name…” he chuckled softly.
“Yeah?” Eddie said quietly, uninterested, trying to suppress annoyance.
Buck slid into the chair across from Eddie, the same one he melted down in earlier, and fidgeted against it, trying to get comfortable. He was nervous, felt guilty, and didn’t know what to say.
“I’m sorry” felt like a good enough place to start.
“For punching me?” Eddie raised an eyebrow. If a simple apology was all he was going to get out of Buck, he felt it was too little. “Why’d you do it?”
Buck sighed. He didn’t want to get into the specifics. He wasn’t good at explaining things, especially when about his autism, and especially about his meltdowns. They were so infrequent he didn’t have time to understand them. When he was so full of intense emotion, so deeply enraged, all the sensations he felt were so muddied together. Buck would barely call that an explanation, but it’s where he could start.
“I sometimes get… uh-really mad?” He winced at his own words. He hated phrasing it like that, but honestly all he felt was rage when he got overstimulated. Like an irrepressible itch to get the annoying thing away from him, but no matter what he did, he couldn’t.
“You say that like you aren’t sure” Eddie sighed, raising his head from the table and pulling down his ice pack. On his left cheek bone was a swollen red bump. It hadn’t even been an hour, so it was barely bruised.
“I’m uh… I’m not really sure” Buck chuckled nervously again.
“Are you okay Buck?” Eddie asked, his eyebrows furrowed in anger and faint worry. The kind that was instinctual, even when Eddie didn’t want to worry.
Buck smiled at the sound of his name, looking down at his hands for moment to recompose himself. He couldn’t look someone in the eyes for very long without needing to cut himself a break. “I really like how you say my name”
Eddie chuckled, “Why’s that?” He couldn’t stay mad at Buck. Actually he was still annoyed as Hell, but seeing Buck smile at something so stupid just made him smile. Eddie knew something was up with him. The average person wouldn’t break out into sobs and try to hurt themselves, especially just standing around the station.
Buck shrugged, “you just say it in a nice way… Buck” he tried to copy Eddie’s pronunciation, but it didn’t sound right.
Eddie huffed a laugh, pulling his ice pack back to his eye. Buck had a swollen knuckle as well, on his right hand, but he’d ignored it. When Eddie covered his cheek again, it brought Buck back to the topic at hand.
“Uh, anyway” he flashed another quick smile, “I’m sorry Eddie. Really I am… I really didn’t mean to hit you…”
“Then why did you?” He looked up from his ice pack again. “You were crying Buck… pulling your hair and stuff… are you okay?”
Buck swallowed thickly, feeling a tightness in his chest. He hadn’t ever said it. Maddie always explain his actions to people, not that she had to regularly, but in the odd chance Buck acted up, Maddie was the one that explained what was up with him. “I um… I have uh…” Buck looked back up to Eddie, quickly avoiding eye contact when he was already looking up to him. “Autism… I have autism…” he said quietly, a nervous smile on his face. His skin flushed with embarrassment.
Eddie’s eyebrows barely moved, a twinge of realization if anything. His expression didn’t change all. He nodded shallowly, “okay… and what does that mean for you?”
Buck glanced up to Eddie’s eyes at his question, he was looking at his mouth, not his eyes. He wanted to give him his attention, but he really didn’t have the energy to stare into them right now, but he wanted Eddie to know he was trying to engage with him.
“I um… Maddie is usually the one who talks about this kind of stuff” he defended.
“Your sister talks about your autism?” Eddie raised an eyebrow, confused. “She knows more about it than you do?” He huffed a chuckle, pulling his ice pack from his eyes again, setting it on the table.
Buck chuckled nervously, he did not know what was funny about that, but he followed whatever Eddie was doing; trying to get on his good side.
“I just, you know, don’t know much about it… when I get like-uh… how I was earlier; it’s just a lot…” Buck gave a pleading look, hoping Eddie would understand what he was saying.
Buck squeezed his hands together under the table, trying to ground himself in the here and now.
Eddie just nodded, “You just scared me a little… it’s a bit jarring to see you like that, but uh…do you know what caused all that?”
Buck shrugged, his forearms starting to ache with the force he was squeezing his hands with. The pressure wasn’t satisfying him, so he pulled his hands from his lap and setting them together on the edge of the table. The color slowly came back into them, his knuckles white and had indentions on the backs of his hands from his finger nails.
“I just feel a lot, all of the time… and when we’re just at the firehouse, not doing anything, it just makes me aware of everything all at once…” Buck sighed, “I really don’t know how to explain it” he chuckled nervously.
Eddie nodded again, “Was there something specific that made you punch me? I’m looking to avoid that for next time” he smiled, tenderly touching his swollen cheek.
Buck breathed out a chuckle. “It was when you held my hands and kept them from me”
Eddie’s expression finally changed, now at a softly scrunched tilt. His eyes flashed down to Buck’s hands, back up to his face.
“I’m sorry, you were hurting yourself so I just wanted to make sure you were safe…”
Buck shook his head, wringing his hands into fists, not out of anger, but out of discomfort. He took a breath before explaining himself. “M-Maddie is better at explaining this than I am… but I need to do stuff like that to feel better, especially when I’m like that…”
“Buck, I’m not just going to let you hurt yourself” Eddie scoffed, sitting back in his chair, away from the table.
“Listen Eddie…” Buck took in another deep breath, “Do not stop me unless I’m bleeding okay? Unless I break the skin, really, please, do not restrain me… it makes me feel really… upset, I guess”
Eddie sighed, but nodded. “I trust you know more than me, Buck. But, uh… I can’t just sit there and watch you pull your hair out. And it looks like you scratched yourself too” he sat forward in his chair again, gesturing at Buck’s face with his hand.
He raised his own hand to his face, brushing his finger tips over the, still irritated, lines. “Well, I needed it. If I hadn’t done it then I’d still be on the floor of the bunk room, rocking and crying like a fucking idiot!” His temper started to rise again.
Eddie started shaking his head as Buck’s tone rose, “Buck…” he sighed.
“Buck…” he mimicked, sighing too.
“Evan, I trust you, but what else can I do? When you’re like that again, what should I do?”
“I will never be like that again at work” Buck said sternly, leaning over the table, “Really I won’t okay? I just had a bad slip up but I won’t act like that again, I swear!”
“Hey, chill Buck, it’s fine” Eddie assured, holding his hands up in mock surrender.
He sighed, rubbing his eyes, “Buck, Buck…” he said, sounding distressed.
“Calm down, man”
“Stop, stop I’m trying to!” Buck choked out, “I do things to make myself feel better! This is me calming down!”
Eddie just nodded. He wanted to understand and help Buck however he could, but this was all so confusing to him.
“Saying your own name calms you down?”
Buck shook his head, “I like saying it the way you say it…”
“The way I say it?”
Buck nodded, silence falling over them.
“And Eddie… I’m sorry, again” he eventually said, standing from his seat across from the other, holding his hands together at his diaphragm again, his fingers interlaced.
Buck turned around and began walking back down the loft stairs. About four steps down he heard Eddie began to follow him down. He turned his head around towards him and waited for him to speak.
“What should I say? When someone asks what got into you?” His voice wasn’t loud, as there was only a couple feet between them, but Buck still surveyed the truck bay for the few people that were still in sight. Their eyes were all turned to them as their hands did mindless tasks to look occupied.
“Um…” Buck turned his body fully around, getting closer to Eddie to speak; two steps between them, Buck on the lower ones. “Just say I was having a bad day or something…”
“You do realize letting people think you’re a hothead makes you just as unreliable as if they knew you had autism right?” Eddie figured that was the reason Buck kept his disorder to himself. He didn’t want others to think of him as less of a fire fighters.
Buck pinched his lips between his teeth again, making a straight, tight line at Eddie’s words. He shook his head towards the ground, eyeing Eddie’s shoes. His laces were uneven; one shoe double-knotted and the other single-knotted.
“Your shoes are tied differently…” he sighed, bringing a hand to his forehead. He hadn’t meant to let that thought slip out.
Eddie looked down to his shoes, chuckling, “Okay Buck, I’ll fix it later. Is it bothering you?”
He shook his head, “No, it’s not. I just noticed it… never mind, I’m just asking you to not mention it to anyone okay? I’m gonna…talk to Bobby later…” Buck sighed, his shoulders falling as the ache started to bleed back in.
Eddie shook his head, getting a bit annoyed with Buck’s misplaced adamancy. “Fine, whatever you want Buck” and he turned back up to the kitchen at the top of the loft.
“Buck, Buck, whatever you want Buck…” he mirrored, turning around too and heading down the stairs in the opposite direction of Eddie. Buck wasn’t mocking him, just trying to trail over the pleasure he derived from Eddie saying his name; repeating his words.
Buck rubbed his eye with the ball of his palm, taking deep breathes. He saw Chimney and Hen walk up to him in his peripherals. He sighed, straining to put a smile on his face.
“What’s up?”
“Everything alright?” Hen asked, a bit of hesitancy in her voice.
Buck nodded, chuckling nervously, “Yeah, me and Eddie just… had a disagreement”
“Yeah okay” Chimney scoffed, “Clocked the guy pretty hard”
“We made up!” Buck said sharply, raising his hands in emphasis. “We are cool now, so don’t go kicking things up, okay?” And then he left back to the bunks.
Maddie and Bobby were still talking, about Buck presumably. He sheepishly entered, making his presence known with a wave.
“When you want to talk to me, Bobby, just let me know”
“I will Buck” he replied, nodding to Maddie to end their conversation. He shook her hand and let her walk towards her brother. She held his pinky finger with her own at their sides.
The way Bobby said his name wasn’t the same way Eddie said it. It made him wince a little. It was odd though because he never really cared about how Bobby said it, but now, so used to the way Eddie said it, it made Buck cringe at the sharpness of the word.
“What did you tell him, Maddie?” Buck asked.
“Just ways to help you; what to and not to do” she replied, shaking the hand that held Buck’s with a smile.
Buck nodded, turning back to Bobby, his forced smile fading back to his neutral one. “I’m sorry Cap, for all of this. This really won’t ever happen again, I swear!”
Bobby nodded, his arms crossed over his chest, “From what your sister has been telling me, it seems you can’t control when things like this happen, Buck”
He winced again at the way his name was said. And he also did not like where this conversation was heading.
“I guess that true, but I’m a damn good firefighter, Cap!” Buck defended, stepping up to Bobby, leaving his sister a few feet behind him.
“Woah Buck, I know” he raised his hands, “I just wanted you to know that I can’t bend everything into your favor when you get upset”
Buck shook his head towards the floor, “No, no Bobby I would never ask you to do that. I can take care of myself, I don’t need to be coddled”
“Right, but I’d still like to iron some things out formally” Bobby said, “But-uh, later. We’ll do that stuff later” he placed an open hand on his shoulder, shaking him gently.
Buck nodded, his eyes on Bobby’s because he felt they needed to be. He felt he needed to prove he was fine now, able to engage and work with everyone mannerly.
He turned his head towards his sister, “Thank you, for coming, Maddie. Sorry I pulled you from work…”
Maddie just smiled, “It’s no real trouble Evan, you know that” she took a few steps closer to him to kiss him on the cheek, then left the bunk room, presumably leaving the station too.
“Again, Bobby, I’m really sorry. And this will never happen again I swear…”
“It’s okay, kid, really it is. But you made up with Eddie right?”
Buck nodded, “I did, and we settled the dust I think but…” he glanced away from Bobby, back to the floor, “he keeps acting like he knows me better than I know myself…”
“What do you mean by that?” Bobby asked.
Buck sighed, “I don’t really know, but it’s just… I asked him to let me do what I need to do when I’m acting crazy like that, but he keeps saying he won’t…”
Bobby just nodded, though clearly thinking intently about something. “Your sister told me about something, uh…” he tapped his fingers against his temple to jog his memory. “She said something along the lines of not stopping you, like not stopping what you’re doing when you’re overwhelmed”
Buck nodded, “yeah, I think it’s best you don’t, but Eddie is insisting he can’t sit by and let me hurt myself” he air quoted.
“Do you want me to talk with him?” Bobby asked, his hands softly sliding off of Buck’s shoulder.
“I…I don’t know. I don’t think so” Buck was fiddling with his fingers again, his hands held together in front of his diaphragm. “I don’t want him thinking I’m telling on him” he chuckled halfheartedly.
Bobby frowned, shaking his head gently, “Don’t think of it like that Buck. I want you to be comfortable, but that being said, fighting fires and rescuing people is our priority. You understand that?”
Buck nodded, “Yes sir, I do. I actually find it easier to… stay calm… when we’re on call. It’s when we’re at the station doing mindless tasks that make me overthink”
Bobby nodded in understanding, silence falling over them as subtle, nonverbal words of affirmation bounce between them. This was scary for Buck, and even for Bobby too. Neither of them knew how to navigate this; what to do or what to say to each other or others. But nothing much has to change right? Buck has been a fire fighter for the last two years, what they’ve been doing has worked just fine. What has to change?