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It wasn’t until after the excitement of Jan forgiving her and offering her a job that Indie managed to begin to comprehend the events that had built up to this point. Jan had dropped her home, making her promise to shower, get some food and to sleep the hangover off. It was when they were on their way home that Jan asked Indie if she was okay.
“What?” Indie had been in a daze.
“Are you alright?” The senior paramedic asked, glancing over at Indie. “Everyone’s been so busy fussing over your mate that you sort of got pushed to the side.”
Indie nodded, replying that she was fine before staring out of the window. She wanted Jan to leave it there, to not ask any more questions… but she couldn’t quite figure out why.
“Do you need anything from the pharmacy while we’re passing?”
The question came across innocently enough. Jan could mean anything by that. Shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant, pain killers for the headache that had appeared behind Indie’s eyes. She knew, however, what Jan was trying to ask without being blunt.
Indie opened her mouth to answer that no, she didn’t need anything, when a sudden thought occurred to her. She didn’t know.
“I…” she trailed off, frowning as she tried to sort through hazy, fragmented memories of last night. She’d been in the club dancing with Jodie, Teddy and Badger. Rida had gone to get water. Badger had suggested they leave… he’d been holding her hand. She’d felt so lonely, so desperately upset that she was leaving that she’d agreed.
After that… it all sort of became a mess.
They’d walked down the street, Badger teasing and attempting to flirt. Indie had laughed. He’d kissed her. She’d melted into it, because fuck it. No one else wanted her. No one else was interested, especially not Cam, so why not indulge in someone paying attention to her?
Then he’d offered her those pills. He’d said they’d help them both stay up. They’d… they’d walked back to his flat, pausing; he’d kept his arm around her, pausing to kiss her every now and then. His hands had snaked around her waist, creeping underneath her top. She’d been drunk. She’d just wanted to feel something other than completely miserable.
Indie’s head was spinning, and she suddenly felt sick.
“Pull over,” she blurted. Credit where it was due, Jan reacted quickly, pulling the car over. Indie opened the passenger door and promptly vomited onto the curb. She hadn’t eaten since yesterday afternoon so she was impressed that anything came up at all. In the background she was vaguely aware of Jan asking if she was okay before getting out of the car and coming to stand next to her. Indie’s head was swimming as she desperately tried to recall what had happened once they got back to Badger’s.
“I don’t know,” she gasped as she retched. “I don’t know if I need anything. She looked up at Jan, who was now crouched in front of her, handing her a bottle of water.
“I can’t remember… her bottom lip trembled as reality washed over. “Jan, I can’t remember.”
On sensing the panic in the younger woman’s voice, Jan paused to think before deciding how to respond next. She waited until Indie was done retching to say anything else.
“Why don’t we stop off at the pharmacy,” she suggested quietly. “Just in case.” She hated that she was saying something like this to Indie of all people. Guilt creeped in, but she pushed it to one side. Guilt wasn’t going to help Indie right now - she needed stability. Reassurance. Someone to talk to if she needed it.
“Will you come in with me?” came a quiet voice. Indie looked so young in that moment. Jan nodded without hesitation.
“Of course,” she reassured, patting Indie’s knee. “Are we good to carry on?”
———————
The pharmacist had been nothing but professional, which considering Indie looked a racoon that had been dragged through a hedge backwards, was pretty impressive. Indie had sat in the office chair and answered the usual questions in a quiet, strained voice while Jan stood to one side, pretending to take great interest in posters about domestic violence and flu vaccinations. The pharmacist prescribed the tablet, which Indie took there and then with the bottle of water Jan had brought in. She pulled a face as she swallowed it.
“I hate tablets,” she grumbled, making Jan snort with laughter.
“I know,” the senior paramedic replied. “You’re the reason I’ve got Calpol in the medicine cabinet.”
Indie felt the adrenaline wearing off as she headed back to the car, though her mind was still boggled.
“You know…” Jan trailed off as she drove the short distance back to the house. “I’m here for a chat if you need it, yeah?” There was a pause as Indie processed what was being said before nodding.
“Yeah,” she croaked, going back to staring out of the car window. She didn’t say anything else. Neither did Jan. Sometimes that was just the way between them, but Indie knew she was supported. That Jan wanted to help.
Once Jan had dropped her off, all Indie wanted was to shower and collapse in a heap. She practically dragged herself to the bathroom, turning the shower on to warm up while she undressed.
If she hadn’t looked in the mirror to take her makeup off, she wouldn’t have seen them. Her blood ran cold as she looked down at herself, taking a shuddering breath.
Poking out of the top of her shorts, snaking up as high as the bottom of her ribs were a series of bruises. Fresh, purple and… hand-shaped. Like someone had grabbed her and held her in place. Indie took a step away from the mirror, her breathing speeding up as she fought to stay calm. With trembling fingers, she continued getting undressed.
Memories came back in jarring fragments. Nothing clear or obvious, just snippets… as though she were scrolling through videos on her phone.
Taking the pill with Badger. Kissing on his bed. Feeling dizzy and tired… her head lolling from side to side as she drifted. Badger kissing down her neck, trying to undo her shorts. Indie trying to pull his hands away - she’d been happy with just kissing. She’d been tired and sad and drunk and high, and she just wanted to sleep.
She’d said no.
She’d said no and that hadn’t stopped him. She fallen asleep and that hadn’t stopped him.
Indie let out a heaving sob before retching and lunging for the toilet.
No. Nonononnonononono. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. How could she have been so stupid? How could she have let this happen? Indie rested her head against the toilet seat, heaving in shuddering breaths and letting out violent, agonising sobs.
“No,” she cried to no one. “No no no, please.” Another retch.
She didn’t have any recollection of getting into the shower, or turning the water up as hot as it would go. Or shakily fumbling for a flannel and scrubbing herself until her skin was red and felt like it was burning.
She wasn’t sure how long she stood under the water, staring at nothing. At one point her knees buckled and she sat in the bath, knees pulled up to her chest, still staring at nothing. Still willing it all to stop. Maybe it was all a bad dream. Maybe she’d wake up and none of this would’ve happened.
———————
The next time she was aware of anything was over an hour later. Someone saying her name. Turning the water off. Wrapping her in a towel, and then another just for good measure. She was shaking like a leaf. The voice kept talking quietly to her, telling her she was safe. Telling her she was at home.
“Indie?”
She knew that voice - it was Teddy. Instinctively, Indie reached for the towels she was wrapped in, pulling them tighter. Teddy took a step back, crouching next to the bath instead of standing.
“You’re okay,” he whispered. “I’m not going to touch you, I just wanted to make sure you weren’t cold.”
Indie let out a small sob at that. Teddy cared. He was trying to look after her. He was trying to help her. He wouldn’t hurt her. He respected her.
“Indie, you know where you are, don’t you?” She managed a nod. “You’re in Jan’s bathroom.” Another nod.
“Are you hurt?”
Indie let out a whimper, that dissolved into more tears. Deep down she knew Teddy was worried and that she should answer that no, she wasn’t hurt; it didn’t feel like she wasn’t hurt, though. It felt very much like she had been hurt.
“Do you want me to call someone?” the next question came. “I can call Jodie or Rida, or Jan…” Indie shook her head to all of those suggestions. She didn’t want anyone else to see.
“Okay,” Teddy paused, taking a moment to consider the options. “Shall we get you somewhere warmer?”
Indie nodded, trying to stand. Her legs felt wobbly, almost as though they didn’t belong to her. She managed to get out of the bath, still trembling like a leaf; after a few moments of hesitation, she accepted Teddy’s outstretched arm for support as he guided her back to her bedroom.
“Is this where you keep your pyjamas?” Teddy pointed at a drawer in her bedroom. She nodded, perching on the edge of the bed while Teddy fished out the pyjamas that he knew were her favourites. They were warm and soft - ones she usually wore when she’d had a crap shift.
Teddy set the pyjamas down on the bed and excused himself while Indie changed. Her hands fumbled with the buttons on the pyjama top, and she had to pause twice until the trembling reduced.
When she was dressed, she considered her options. She could curl up in bed and try to sleep… that would probably fail. She’d likely just end up sitting in her thoughts and feeling worse. Instead, she opened the bedroom door. Teddy was sat outside on the landing floor, holding a glass of water and some paracetamol.
“I thought you might be wanting some water,” he said softly. She took in the scene for a moment before nodding for him to come in.
Indie honestly didn’t have the energy or the words to speak, so just accepted the pain killers and water, and sat on the bed. Teddy lingered, not wanting to overstep - she loved him for that. She lay down, patting the space on the bed next to her and shuffling over to one side so that her friend had space to sit. Teddy smiled as he perched.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked eventually. There was a frantic shaking of the head.
“Okay, that’s okay,” he reassured. “We don’t have to talk about it. Do you want to talk at all?” Another shake of the head, less frantic this time. Teddy nodded. He glanced around the room, his eyes landing on a well-loved copy of a children’s book sitting on Indie’s bedside table - Journey to the River Sea.
“You reading this?” he asked. A small nod, and Indie’s cheeks flushed slightly with embarrassment. It was her favourite as a kid - her Nanna had bought it for her at a charity shop. It was the first book they’d read together when her Nanna took her in permanently. Teddy seemed to understand the importance of it, glancing over at his friend. The book had clearly been read multiple times, and there was a bookmark tucked in just after halfway.
“Do you want me to read some?”
Indie hesitated before nodding and shuffling slightly closer. Teddy automatically adjusted the way he was sat so Indie could see what he was reading, even though there were no pictures.
“By the time Clovis had been in Finn’s hut for three days, he knew Westwood by heart…”
He’d barely made it halfway through the chapter before Indie’s breathing began to even out. One of her hands had reached over and tangled in Teddy’s hoodie, as though reassuring herself that someone was here. That she was safe and with someone she knew. Teddy kept reading, not wanting Indie to think that she was alone. Not even for a moment. He knew there would be more fall out to whatever had happened to his friend, and he had a pretty good idea of what had happened, but that could wait. He’d be there when she was ready.