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English
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Published:
2026-07-22
Updated:
2026-08-03
Words:
15,167
Chapters:
18/24
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40
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74
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1,022

Soliloquies

Summary:

 
People are complicated. So, too, is grieving them. Sometimes it helps to talk about it.

 

These days, Jax is a very good listener.

Chapter 1: absence

Chapter Text

 

 

 

 

 

 

H-hi, Jax.

 

 

 

 

Okay. I can do this. I need to do this, I have to-

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’mgladyou’regone.

 

 

 

 

I’m… glad you’re gone.

 

 

 

 

I am. I didn’t know how scared I was all the time until you were gone, and I wasn’t anymore. I’ve gone entire days where nothing awful happens to me. Where no one makes me feel small, like everything I say and do is-

 

I’m glad I don’t spend every day waiting for when you’re going to hurt me. I’m glad I can like the things I like without knowing they’ll be used against me. I’m glad the people around me support me instead of tearing me down.

 

 

 

I am happy that you are gone.

 

 

 

 

And I’m so… angry at you for that. Because that’s what you wanted, isn’t it? It’s just… one last choice you took away from me. Y-you took my name, you took how I spent my time here, you took how I was allowed to feel, and you-...

 

 

…even this. Even how to feel about you being gone. I don’t want to be happy you’re gone, Jax. It feels horrible. I don’t want to be that kind of person. I want to be better.

 

 

 

 

But I’m not. I am glad you’re gone.

 

 

 

 

…you know what, though? I don’t hate you.

 

 

I don’t. I didn’t before you abstracted and I don’t now. You couldn’t make me do that. I win that one.

 

 

I win, Jax. I don’t hate you. I d-don’t-...

 

 

 

 

 

This is… I don’t know what I’m doing here. I-...

 

 

 

 

…bye, Jax.

 

 

 

 

S-sleep well.