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“Are you going to participate?”
“I'm afraid McGonagall might fail me if I don't.”
“She can't do that, can she?”
“Well, maybe she can't fail me, but she can certainly make life difficult if she decides to make it mandatory.”
“How would she even know? Isn't it supposed to be anonymous?”
“Nothing is ever truly anonymous around here.”
The voices faded away as the two younger girls headed out of the library still whispering to each other. Across from Lily, James was pretending to work on his maths assignment. Which was fitting, really, as Lily was pretending to revise for their upcoming biology exam.
“Are you going to do it, then?” James asked quietly after a moment.
Lily looked up. He was still staring at his notebook. “McGonagall's wish project?”
“Yeah.” He glanced up at her.
She shrugged and twirled the end of her plait between her fingers. His eyes dropped to the movement briefly before he looked back up at her.
“Might as well,” she said after a moment. “It's not like it's hard. She just wants everyone to submit an anonymous Christmas wish for a holiday display.”
“I guess.” He watched her, twirling his pen between his fingers – because of course the git did maths equations in pen – as he chewed his bottom lip thoughtfully. “It just seems like it could get pretty deep for some people. Not everyone has happy Christmas wishes.”
She thought of Alicia Malek, whose father had died last year on Christmas Day, and realised he was right. For some people this was probably an awful time of year.
“Hopefully, everyone can at least come up with something as mundane as wishing for world peace,” Lily said, trying to keep the conversation light. He seemed lost in his own thoughts, and a bit down about it, which wasn't like him.
Then he forced a smile. It was obviously disingenuous, but Lily didn't have the heart to call him on it. “You're right. It's not such a huge deal.”
“So, you're going to submit a wish?” she asked.
He shrugged and turned back to his assignment. “Might as well.”
She watched him for another moment after he started working, wondering what was going on with him. When he didn't look her way again, she sighed quietly and flipped to the next page of her notes.
-
“Got your wishes all sorted?” Mary asked as she slid into the seat next to Lily at the lunch table a few days later. “I heard McGonagall's opened the submission box.”
“Yeah, I wished for a bad bitch,” Sirius said with a lazy smirk across the table. “It’s really all I could possibly want.”
“You're disgusting.” Mary flicked a straw wrapper at him and turned away from him when he laughed. “Lily?”
“Yeah, I think I know what I’m going to write,” Lily said, then looked at Remus on her other side before Mary could ask for more details. “What about you?”
Remus smiled tiredly. He had some sort of rare autoimmune disease that drained him of energy and kept him looking perpetually ragged. “I submitted mine this morning. I wished for unlimited chocolates.”
“Of course you did,” Lily said with a soft laugh.
“Peter, did you do one?” Mary asked, peering past Lily and Remus to their small, mousy, nervous friend at the end of the table.
“No.” He pouted like it was the end of the world. “I couldn’t think of a single thing.”
“Well, I already know Marlene and Dorcas did theirs,” Mary said, gesturing to the two girls giggling together as they waited in line for their food, flirtatiously making eyes at a tall blonde boy sitting not far from where they stood. “Probably wished for Martin Davis to notice them.”
“Be nice,” Lily admonished halfheartedly. “So they fancy a bloke. Big deal.”
“Lily.” Mary leveled a judgmental look on their friends as they continued to bat their eyelashes at the oblivious boy. “Fancying the same boy is a shortcut to the end of a friendship.”
“Who fancies who?” James asked as he slid into the seat next to Sirius and directly across from Lily.
Her mind went blank for a moment.
“Marlene and Dorcas fancy that prat Davis, apparently,” Sirius said lazily.
“Hey, James!” Mary chirped. “Did you do McGonagall’s wish project?”
Lily watched him closely. He didn’t falter in his movements as he reached over and swiped an apple from Sirius’s overloaded tray. He did, however, take a little longer than he otherwise may have to look up at Mary. His expression was carefully neutral. Mary probably didn’t even notice.
“I just submitted mine,” he said.
“Ugh, I still have to figure mine out,” Mary admitted. “There’s just so much to wish for! And I don’t know if I should go materialistic, or serious, or funny!”
“Definitely go Sirius,” Sirius said, holding his arms out wide to either side so James had to dodge quickly lest he be caught in his best friend’s jokingly flirtatious offer.
“You force me to repeat myself. You’re disgusting,” Mary said.
An overdramatic wounded expression crossed Sirius’s face just as Marlene and Dorcas joined them, sitting next to Sirius.
Marlene sighed heavily while Dorcas pouted beside her.
“No luck?” Lily asked sympathetically.
“He didn’t look up once,” Marlene said.
“I don’t think he even knows we exist,” Dorcas added dejectedly.
“Aw, poor things. I’m so sorry,” Mary said in faux-sympathy. Lily looked at Remus, who was laughing quietly at Mary, and smiled. “Oh! I nearly forgot! You’re all invited to my house this weekend for a Christmas-themed movie night!”
-
She was out Christmas shopping with her mother the first weekend of Christmas break when they stumbled upon it set up proudly outside of the specialty hospital that was hosting a meal kitchen charity drive. It was supposed to help encourage donations.
“Oh, is that your professor’s display?” her mother asked.
“Looks like it,” Lily said, glancing over. There were a few people she knew from school – not friends, no one whose names she knew, but faces she recognised – standing near it reading the little blurbs Professor McGonagall had posted. “Do you mind if I go look?”
“Take your time,” her mother said. “I’ll go order us those chips, yeah?”
“Thanks, Mum.” Lily smiled and watched her mother disappear into the crowd towards their all-time favourite chippy.
Lily turned and made her way over to the display, a plexiglass box surrounding a large festively decorated poster with their school name and well over a hundred student wishes pasted on. She began to read.
There were the ones she expected:
I wish for world peace.
I wish he liked me.
I wish she would go out with me.
I wish I wasn’t failing Chemistry.
I wish I’d made the football team.
I wish I were more popular.
I wish for a PS5.
She rolled her eyes at the last one, although it was probably the most attainable Christmas wish up there.
She did not see Sirius’s wish for a bad bitch, but she hadn’t really expected to. She was half certain the flippant remark had been a joke and if it wasn’t she knew McGonagall would never have included it.
She read more, smiling at some, cringing at others. Then, she saw her own.
I wish my sister didn’t hate me.
It was anonymous in that her name wasn’t on it, but she was embarrassed she had gone with something so vulnerable. If any of her friends checked out the display, she was sure they’d guess it was hers. It made her uneasy to think they might see it and attribute it to her.
The one beneath hers was much more devastating though.
I wish I could have one more Christmas with my dad.
It had to be Alicia’s. She was a sweet girl. Quiet, but well-liked. She was top of the class. She had been even quieter since her father’s death last year. Lily’s heart ached for her.
Maybe James had been right. Maybe this wasn’t the lighthearted project she’d imagined when McGonagall had announced it. Maybe it was painful in unexpected ways.
She turned to leave, and froze.
I wish the dialysis was actually working.
The handwriting was too familiar. But it didn’t make sense.
Was James ill? The idea was unbearable. There was no way he was ill, anyway. He was too fit, too active, didn’t ever miss any school or look fatigued or off-colour or anything. And Sirius, Remus, and Peter would be all over him trying to manage him if he were. But none of them had mentioned anything about someone James loved being seriously ill, either.
Which, really, they didn’t have to. She wasn’t his girlfriend or anything. They weren’t even dating. They were just part of the same general friend group. They shared most of their classes, and she occasionally watched him at football practice. He had been joining her in the library after school for a few weeks now to work on homework together. And, well, there had been that one moment under the mistletoe at Mary’s house last week. But they weren’t dating!
No matter how much she wished they were.
“I’ll bring the car around.”
Lily’s head jerked up in the direction of the familiar voice. And there he was, coming out of the hospital with his parents. He looked well, she noted immediately. He was wearing a cheery red Christmas jumper and well-fitted jeans, and his dark hair was its usual wreck. Mr. Potter looked fit as a fiddle as he usually did, with silver hair but the same tall, athletic build as his son as they argued over who would bring the car around. Mrs. Potter was another case.
She had never looked so frail. She’d had James late in life, but she looked far older than Lily recalled. Her skin was sallow, her eyes had a yellow tinge, she was hunched over in pain or fatigue or some mixture of the two.
And Lily understood.
She was caught between the instinct to turn and flee and pretend she hadn’t seen them, and the urge to call out to James and offer him what comfort she could. Because now that she knew, she could see the deep sadness in his eyes as he bullied the car keys away from his father.
The choice was taken from her when Mr. Potter suddenly looked up and spotted her. “Lily!”
James turned towards her with surprising speed as his mother tried to straighten, leaned heavily on her cane, and waved at her, smiling through obvious pain. There was nothing else for it. Lily smiled, and waved, and walked over to them.
“Hey,” James said quietly, not quite meeting her eyes.
“Hello,” she said, and then turned her attention to his parents. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you, Mr. and Mrs. Potter. You both look great.”
Mrs. Potter snorted, genuinely amused as her smile widened. “You’ve always been a polite girl. I look like death warmed over.”
“Mum,” James chastised, a flash of pain crossing his face.
“Oh, let me have some humour about my situation,” Mrs. Potter said with an air of annoyance as she swatted weakly in her son’s general direction. She turned back to Lily. “I’ve just had my latest treatment.”
She said it like she assumed Lily had known all along. Judging by how friendly and outgoing and open Mrs. Potter had always been, Lily wasn’t surprised that she didn’t seem to treat her illness as a closely guarded secret. Lily was a little surprised James had, however, but she wasn’t about to throw him under the bus.
“How’s that been going?” she asked, even though she knew from James’s wish.
James grimaced. Mrs. Potter made a dismissive movement with her hand.
“It’ll all work out,” Mr. Potter said optimistically. “She’s on the list for a kidney transplant.”
“Oh,” Lily said. She could feel James staring at her. She smiled at his mother. “That’s good.”
“Christmas shopping?” James said suddenly.
Lily looked at him. He looked desperate for a way out of this conversation. She gave it to him.
“Oh. Yeah.” She lifted the bags on her arms as evidence. “With my mum. We’ve been all over. I think she still wants to stop by Firebox for her annual gag gift for my dad after lunch. She said something about a piano mat for the loo.”
“A what?” James asked.
“Er – I think it’s a toilet mat?” She shrugged. “So that whenever he has to go, the whole house will know.”
“Brilliant,” James said, grinning at her.
She smiled back, relieved to see joy on his face again. “Well, it’s a gag gift anyway.”
“Where is your mother?” Mr. Potter asked, looking back towards McGonagall’s display as if expecting to see Lily’s mother.
“She’s down the road ordering lunch,” Lily said, gesturing with her chin in the direction her mother had gone. “I actually should probably go find her soon.”
“Well, James was just going to get the car,” Mr. Potter said, jostling his son with his shoulder. “We parked over in that direction. He’ll walk with you.”
James narrowed his eyes at his father. Lily did not let on that she had overheard Mr. Potter protesting letting his son pull the car around less than ten minutes ago.
“Okay!” she said brightly.
James looked at her. Then he glanced at his mother. “I’ll be quick about it.”
“Take your time,” Mrs. Potter said airily, waving her hand dismissively again as she winked at Lily and clutched at Mr. Potter’s arm. “It’ll be like we’re on a date.”
James rolled his eyes, but he kissed his mother gently on the cheek before he stepped away towards Lily.
“Bye!” Lily waved to Mr. and Mrs. Potter, who smiled and waved back and watched her walk away with their son.
They walked in silence for a minute. Lily struggled to think of how to break it. Somehow, she doubted pressing him for information about his mother would be a good move.
His hands were shoved into his pockets, shoulders hunched. It could have been against the cold. She suspected he was feeling defensive. She didn’t blame him. He hadn’t exactly expected to run into her outside of the hospital.
“Sirius is visiting that one moderately decent uncle of his for Christmas, isn’t he?” she finally asked.
James nodded. “Alfie. He’s not evil like his parents, anyway.”
It was no secret that Sirius lived with the Potters ever since his parents had abused him to the point of hospitalisation two years ago. All because he’d gone on a date with a girl of inferior birth.
“Well, I’m around,” she said, keeping her tone light as she kicked a rock in her path. “I don’t have a whole lot going on over break. If you want to hang out while Sirius is away. If you need someone to talk to. Or distract you. Or just…be around you.”
He was very quiet for an agonizingly long time. She could feel his gaze on her; though his head was pointing straight ahead she was certain he was staring at her out of the corner of his eye. Her cheeks began to feel hot by the time she heard him draw in a deep breath.
“We could…see a film?” he suggested hesitantly. “Or…there’s that Christmas light thing at Waddeston Manor. Dad always talks about how nice it is. It’s a little bit of a drive, but…I could pick you up? Or there’s always the bus if you’d prefer.”
Her heart leapt. He was suggesting things that sounded very date-like. She had offered companionship, and he was suggesting a date. She lowered her head and smiled at the ground.
“That sounds fun,” she said. “I think tickets are hard to come by, though. Mary said she had to go two whole weeks later than she wanted last year.”
“I can handle that,” James said confidently. “Well, my dad can handle it. He knows a guy.”
“He knows a guy?” Lily repeated teasingly.
“He’s got a few friends at the Rothschild Foundation,” James explained. “Anyway, it doesn’t really matter. I can get tickets whenever.”
Sometimes when Lily and James were just hanging out she forgot he was wealthy. But then, occasionally, he would say something like that and she would suddenly remember that she was exactly the type of inferior girl Sirius’s parents had nearly killed him over. The Potters, she had to remind herself when the insecurity struck, were not snotty like the Blacks. Mr. and Mrs. Potter were good people, kind people. They had practically pushed James to walk with her.
“My sister has this thing on Monday. This wedding-related…something. I don’t know. She won’t talk to me about it except to remind me I’m not invited.” Lily rolled her eyes, and then looked at James. He was facing her openly now, with sympathy and understanding in his eyes. “I think my parents would feel better about my exclusion if I had my own plans.”
“I’m free Monday,” he said immediately.
“Okay, it’s a date.” She slowed as they approached the chippy where her mother was waiting. Lily could see her through the window sitting at a little table. A waitress approached her with a tray of food – much more than just the chips they had discussed – as Lily watched. “Well, this is me.”
James looked over his shoulder, waved when he saw her mother look up and spot them. He turned back to Lily with a small, pleased smile. “I’ll text you later. About times.”
“Okay.” She nodded. They both stood there for a semi-awkward moment, smiling at each other. Then Lily took a step towards the door. “Well, I’d better…” she pointed. He nodded. “And you shouldn’t keep your mother waiting.”
He seemed to remember he was supposed to be fetching the car. “Right! You’re right. See you, Lily!”
And he turned back the way they had come and jogged off. Lily wondered how long ago they had passed his parents’ car as she stepped inside and took the seat across from her mother.
“Was that James?” her mother asked, then popped a perfectly fried chip into her mouth.
“Yeah. I ran into him with his parents by McGonagall’s display,” Lily said, grabbing a chip for herself. “Mum, can I get a new outfit while we’re out?”
Her mother looked her over curiously. “Sure. Why?”
Lily smiled indulgently as she picked at the crust of the minced beef and onion pie her mother had ordered for her. “I think James Potter and I are going on a date.”