Chapter Text
Acid burned from his mouth, coating the sharp words spilling from his tongue. He was yelling at the wind, letting it carry away the burden in his life. Severus collapsed to the ground, eyes dry even when he felt that this was the moment he should be letting tears fall, earning his nickname. Snivellus. Severus palmed at his sore eyes, pressing them in. He’d lost everything last year, and this year only proved to be the aftermath of his worst moment. He was suffering the consequences of his actions, payback for what he had said, and, despite him deserving this anguish, he was still angry.
Severus, even being aware that it was his fault- his words were only his own- was still furious. Perhaps at himself, perhaps at the world, but one thing throughout it all remained certain. Potter.
James Potter. Him and his stupid friends. They tormented him, made him a fool. They’re the only absolute in his anger and in the blame. Severus stalked back to the castle, abandoning the frozen lake in favor of walking away his rumination, which didn’t and rarely ever worked.
Ever since the beginning of the year he’s been trying to act normal. Trying to pretend and find a way to feel better. He’d done everything, spoken to his fellow Slytherin housemates, attempted new friendships, swallow himself into Death Eater ideology. None of it had worked, until today. Today, he thinks he’s found it, the perfect cure.
I’m just like my mother. He thought, yet it didn’t slow his steps down to the empty potions class. He needed this, at least he thinks he does. What else is there to feel if not the absence of it all? Severus needed this weight taken off of his shoulders, and he didn’t care how it was to be done.
The door opened with a creek, he made his steps as light as possible. Slughorn was always happy to let him brew over weekends and holidays, seeing the extent of his gift yet never inviting him to the Slug Club parties, Severus didn't want to go anyway. It took much convincing, but eventually after fourth year, Slughorn accepted defeat, as long as it was all in the educational curriculum and given all back to him once done. But this one wouldn’t be given to Severus’ professor, it was a secret, and it’d be kept that way. Not like that would be a problem, nobody paid enough attention to him to know if anything was different let alone wrong.
The vials clinked together on the way up back to his dorm. Severus licked his dry lips. Sweat gathered at his brow, looking behind his shoulder every other minute and tripping over his own feet. Nobody was around, but the contraband in his satchel proved to make it feel as if the entire school and staff was watching him. Every portrait gazed as if they could read his mind, and they were reporting back to the headmaster in real time. Severus’ feet sped up, he was almost there anyway. His too-short robes billowed behind him, their short sleeves didn’t protect him from the cold, leaving his hands shaking against the rough straps of his bag.
Usually, and it was customary, robes had long, all-encompassing sleeves. But it wasn’t uncommon to see the less fortunate students wearing short sleeved ones. They were cheaper, and still served their purpose. Severus, of course, hated displaying his parents’ paycheck so openly, but he had no other choice, and really, not that it mattered now. He’s lost everything, and would probably be dead by the end of the war, maybe even this year.
Once he got to the opening of the Slytherin common room, he nearly leaped into the entrance, making sure nobody was around to see his vulnerability, he skirted around the corner and to his room. Thankfully, most of his dorm mates had gone back to their families for the break.
It was always seemingly more likely for Ravenclaws and Gryffindors to stay behind. Though, even Potter, his gang of fools, and Lily had left for the break. Severus had only the muggle God to thank for that. By the time he had thrown himself on his bed and tugged off his shoes, his bag had spilled no less than ten vials of a golden substance.
Severus tore one of the corks out of the glass, peppermint filling his senses, and a small pride bloomed in his chest, that scent came from one of his modifications to this potion. The Elixir to Induce Euphoria, or the Euphoria drought. Severus took another sniff, faintly looking for the sopophourous smell. He hummed once he caught it.
His hands stilled when the vial touched his lips, hands shaking. He really was like his mother.
Better than my father, I suppose.
In one quick motion, Severus drank the potion, laid back on his bed and rested his legs over the rest of the glass tubes, knowing he’d clean them up and hide them later.
He only had a few seconds before the effects kicked in. He purposefully used the peppermint to dilute the side effects of laughter and singing, and nose tweaking -as to not completely humiliate himself if anyone was to come by. It was still a potent brew, though, powerful enough for him to get a full experience even if it didn’t last as long.
Severus curled in on himself. He just wanted to feel like he did on those sunshine days with Lily, up on the hill by the tree. Or down in the woods hiding from Petunia. In her house over for dinner, eating her family’s shepherd's pie and homemade ice cream. Severus missed it more than anything, missed running his hands through Lily's hair after brushing it for her, taking pictures by the lake at Hogwarts. Studying in the library and helping her with potions homework-
A warm feeling filled Severus’ chest and made him lurch over the side of the bed. It was overwhelming- and he had forgotten to lower or weaken his occlumency shields before flooding his brain with artificial joy. He did that quickly, before he threw up stomach acid and gold. Severus lowered himself to the stone floor hands first, using his upper body strength to get his knees to the floor. He tried to let the feelings wash slowly over him. Naturally, his body and brain tried to reject it with negative thoughts and memories, but Severus was too talented for that, the brew was perfect. And within nanoseconds he was the happiest he’s felt in years.
It didn’t stop after break, despite Severus’ plans. The potions were going to be short term, but the minute classes began again and he saw Potters smug smile, he knew it was inevitable he’d begin again, and now, he didn’t know why- well, yes he did, but he was choosing to ignore the obvious answer- his foot couldn’t stop bouncing. His leg was shaking, and he felt like he needed to throw up. He was so energetic, yet his eyes felt heavy, and his heart was pounding. Merlin.
Severus put his head in his hands, groaning with frustration. How many minutes were left in the class? Seconds? How many hours left in the school day- and why the hell was he shaking?
He’s had these types of tremors before, on particularly harsh summer days when his body couldn’t withstand the lack of food for much longer and he would end up laying on his bed cold and shaking uncontrollably despite it being scorching hot outside. This was different, however. Yes, Severus was still very obviously underweight, and he had skipped a few lunches in the past few weeks, but this felt different. It felt like too many nights awake, like a caffeine overdose.
Somehow he had missed it, but people started draining out of the door, and Severus wasted no time joining the crowd. He drifted to the side, clinging to the wall nauseously. His hand glided against the stone, attempting to get the texture and coldness to ground him. He kept stumbling forward, not caring about the crowd pushing against him and the loud screams of overexcited students- he didn’t even knowing if he was going the correct direction at this point. Suddenly, Severus saw the perfect escape, pressing harder against the wall he slid smoothly into the men’s washroom.
It was no surprise that the loo was crowded. Class changes always had loads of students trying to skip in the bathrooms or by sneaking back to the dorms- or less commonly faking an illness. Most first years learned quickly that Madam Pomfrey was much too perceptive to fool. Severus flung himself into the first empty stall he found and ripped open his satchel. Dozens of little glass bottles clinked around above his books, obscuring any other important item in his bag. Severus bit his lip and grabbed the closest one.
He didn’t know how he had let it get this bad, it started as just a thing he did occasionally, then every weekend, then that turned into every other day, which turned into everyday, to twice a day- and all in the span of a month or two. He just wanted it to stop. All of it, Potter and his friends, Lily and his mistake, the Slytherins and their attempts at getting more Death Eaters, all of it. All of it needed to stop, even if it meant death; which, he had already accepted as an option. This potion would kill him, he was already experiencing side effects from withdrawal, it just wasn’t doing it as fast as other things would, and that was because he was a coward. Just like his mother, a coward. He could’ve chose a quicker option. He could’ve been the ultimate type of idiot and just cut himself like a teen girl, something that wouldn’t affect his brain so, but would still offer the relief he craved.
Severus swallowed the vial in one gulp, throwing his head back and holding himself up on the stall door. The splintered wood scratched his palm, but he didn’t pull back.
Severus felt good, better than good, elated. What had he even been whining about? Nonetheless, his legs continued to shake and there was bile still pushing a threat in the back of his throat. Severus collapsed backward into the toilet, shaking violently.
So good, so good- so, wrong, but good.
This was hell- came a whisper from his unconscious mind, it was clawing at him, burning the backs of his eyes and scratching his gums to make him stop, to make him, for once, think. Think about anything, think better of what he had been senselessly indulging himself in, but he didn’t.
The bell rang again, and Severus didn’t move. The world was twisting, the noises of sinks flowing water and muffled conversations were entirely too loud for what they were. Severus closed his eyes and leaned back, focusing on the drug coursing through his blood. Nobody would notice his absence, he thinks, none of the students at least. He doesn’t remember what his next class is, though that only means it wasn’t all that important.
On shaky legs, Severus stood, not knowing where exactly he wanted to go.
James didn’t feel bad, James doesn’t feel bad. Not when he strung Snivellus up, not when he took off his clothes, and not when tears welled up in his ugly, black eyes- But something about Snape ever since that moment was undeniably… off.
After James had returned to Hogwarts from the Potter Manor, something about the way Snivvy's carried himself was different, and it was putting James on edge. He didn’t exactly smile, but he didn’t sneer or grimace through the hallways either, his head was slightly more tilted up than usual, and he stumbled more often than walked. Of course, Sirius had fun tripping the guy, but he barely needed to anymore- Snape did it himself half the time. And, even when Sirius did jinx his shoes to the ground, sending him flying out of them, Snape wasn’t as angry as he used to be, he yelled slurred words and hurriedly scurried off. And yet, nobody seemed to notice but James. It felt odd watching him like this, but when Snape’s potions started looking worse, and he was no longer an option for cheating off of- the other details came to him like water from behind a closed door.
Not like he cared. There was nothing he could do, and even if there was he didn’t care enough to. It was, honest to Merlin, curiosity. It was funny if anything. And maybe he didn’t want to ruin the fun by finding out the reason behind Snape’s strange demeanor, but curiosity was killing him! And the final straw had come today when Snivvy had been absent from potions class.
“Hey, Remus?” James asked, throwing his things down onto his bed. Remus glanced up at him from his parchment, the professors had been ruthless since the break ended, cramming them for exams and surprise quizzes. Sixth year was no joke, honestly. Even James himself had been stressed, he disguised it well though in his opinion.
“Yes, James?”
The one addressed leaned against the night stand next to Remus’ bed, making a cup of water that sat on it teeter and slosh as it settled back. “Have you noticed anything different lately?”James opened, grabbing a golden snitch from his pocket and beginning to throw and catch it. “Y’know, about the way Snivellus reacts when we prank him? I mean, maybe it’s just me, or the fact that we do it less often, but it seems like he’s been out of it as of late. Stumbling like a lush drunkard, I mean.” James rambled on with an air of confidence and boredom, making it sound as if this problem was a frustration for him, as if he was asking Remus because he wanted to know if the boy had any idea on how to get Snape to stop.
Remus took a breath, like he’d been waiting for someone to say what James had just said, and slammed his things down with a grunt. James didn’t really comprehend the full extent of the other boy's anger because of the fact that he slammed paper down onto a soft, cushioned bed, but Remus' stare made it obvious he wasn’t in the mood. “I thought I told you guys to stop! I mean, seriously? Even if I couldn’t convince you, you couldn’t have enough respect to stop for Lily? Since you obviously like her more-” Remus cut himself off with a grunt and slumped back down. James had backed up at his outburst, clutching his snitch in a sweaty palm. Remus stayed quiet for a second, cheeks pink with embarrassment. “Never mind…” he paused, “sorry for snapping. I’m just- stressed with all of this work the teachers are putting on us.”
“Yeah. It’s fine mate.” James could’ve smelled the lie from a Quittich court away. Scratching his arm uncomfortably, James wasn’t sure how to salvage the interaction. Maybe be mad at Remus for the outburst, maybe just let it slide. It wasn’t really all that important anyway. Anytime Remus was angry it always came down to him saying that his friends don’t care about him, and it was always James telling him otherwise. James didn’t think that’s what Remus wanted at the moment.
Remus grabbed his things again, biting his lip, “to answer your question: no, I didn’t notice. I haven’t been paying Snape much mind, just as you all should be too.” James swallowed and nodded, the urge to defend himself came strong in his mind, but he held back. Remus wasn’t insulting him, really, and a fight was the last thing he wanted in his conscience.
“Well, I suppose it is just me, then.”
“Or maybe bullying him isn’t as fun as it used to be.” Remus commented under his breath, still loud enough for James to hear, and he knew that. James' face scrunched, his friend pushing buttons and testing his luck was finally starting to wear on James’ nerves, but thankfully, before he could say anything he regretted, Sirius crashed through the door like a madman.
The boy was straddling a broomstick, flying in between Remus and James crashing into the wall. The glass of water that had laid on the table was stopped inches before hitting the ground by Remus, who was on his hands and knees on the bed, pointing his wand at the glass.
“Sirius!” He squealed, prefect voice coming out. Sirius maneuvered himself into a sitting position, barking out laughter as he did so. He shook his curly, black hair from his face, causing his ringlets to bounce with his movements. Not long after, Peter scurried in, panting and sweating like he had just run a marathon.
“Almost lost you there, Padfoot!” He continued to breathe, almost dramatically, before collapsing and lying on the ground comically. James held out a hand to Sirius, laughter bubbling in his chest.
”The hell was that, Padfoot?” He asked, pulling the shorter man up. Sirius stretched his back, smile showing his sharp canines.
“Aye, just felt like broom riding! Especially in this celebration,” Sirius paused, holding his broom out to James, “McGonagall overrode Slughorns practice time tomorrow afternoon. Since we have that new member see saw it more fit that we get to practice.”
“Woo!” Peter hollered from his place on the floor.
James raised an eyebrow, taking the object from his friend and sending it across the room to be displayed on the wall like it usually is, “Y’know we would’ve beat those snakes anyway, right?” He stood taller, eyes venturing to Remus who was putting away his homework, most likely accepting his fate if not being able to get it done with Sirius around. “We don’t really need the practice, everyone knows Gryffindor is the best.” James fake yawned, confidence in his posture.
“Obviously, James, but practice is the only thing I’ve had to look forward to recently.” Sirius slung an arm around the other, leaning heavily on him. “Everything and everyone has just been so…” Sirius put a finger to his chin in thought, “boring!”
James shrugged the off his shoulders, “Uh-huh.” For a second, he debated mentioning Snape again, offering to go mess around with him for entertainment, but the sinking feeling in his gut at the thought of Snape’s reddened cheeks and silence told him not to. It was probably Remus’ words lingering on him.
“Why not go flirt with seventh years like you usually do? Instead of ruining our perfectly clean room.” Remus let out a loud laugh at that, eying the clothes and other miscellaneous items scattered about.
Peter finally got on his feet, “This isn’t just good for Pads, y’know. I don’t play, but watching isn’t all that bad.” He skittered to his bed, plopping down and pulling a notebook from under his pillow. “And Sirius is right, nothing interesting has been happening, it’s all tests and quizzes! I want something fun!” Peter complained, starting to sketch something out on the paper. He stopped for a second, eyebrows furrowing in thought. “We haven’t even been pranking people!” He nearly yelled, making eye contact with James, “We haven’t had the time! We’re bored, Prongs!”
James’ face grew pale at the mention of a prank, he groaned and threw his head back, “This isn’t my problem, is it!” He crossed his arms and made his way across the room, “Find a way to entertain yourself without me- I’m going on a walk.” James stopped at the door, turning and avoiding the eyes of everyone but Remus, “Moony, could you- uh, join me?”
Remus nodded, wordlessly, sliding off the bed to join James.