Chapter Text
With Nash and Jee-Yun now both at school, and officially on a vacation-day, Maddie never really knew what to do with her free time. At dispatch, she had officially taken over Sue's position at the beginning of the year. She loved the job, but it took a lot out of both her body and her mind. And even though she never really knew what to do with her days off, she cherished them.
The living room was empty, well minus her, and she sipped her coffee while half-listening to a show about firefighters.
It made her smile and think of her husband. Her Howie was still captain of Station 118; he was currently at work, probably rubbing his temple in front of yet another report he had to fill out. At that thought, her heart tightened, and she sent, like she did every time, a silent prayer to the universe that he would come home safe and sound. As captain, he was less likely to run into the scenes himself and more likely to command from the sidelines, but you never knew.
Usually, she would do the same for her brother, but he was currently traveling to San Francisco with Eddie to “reconnect with their gay roots” — his words, not Maddie’s. And she quoted him: “Eddie needs to experience the full gay experience,” he had said, throwing his arms around and smiling from ear to ear.
She was happy for him. For them. Mostly, she was happy she no longer had to suffer through the endless yearning glances those two idiots kept throwing at each other. She didn’t know if she could have survived another year of it. But thankfully, Theo had come into their lives, bringing them even closer. Even though the circumstances that had brought the young Buckley into their family had been horrible, there was something beautiful about the fact that they had found each other. And faster than they ever expected, they had created their little unit of four, moved into Buck’s house, and become a family before they had even started dating.
Very Buddie of them.
Maddie smiled at the thought and brushed her thumb against the rim of her mug. She called Theo her little miracle.
Then one night, Buck had called her, completely panicked.
He had just kissed Eddie, and Eddie had suddenly walked away after freezing in place. She waited until he had finished rambling through the entire situation before reassuring him, like she always did.
He was her first child, after all.
***
— Maddie, omg, what did I do? What did I do? Of course I’m in love with my best friend. Such a classic bi guy move from me. MADDIE? MADDIE! He hates me, I know he does. He hates me. He’s going to move away, he’s going to take Christopher back and remove me from his will. Oh my God, should I remove Eddie from my will? For Theo. Did you know that the day I got Theo, I put Eddie down as his guardian, just like he did for me with Chris? Maddie? Are you there? Maddie, I’m going to die. I’m going to die alone knowing Eddie hates me. I—
— Evan…
— Yeah, you’re right. He’s right. We need to cut contact. I’m going to change stations. Better yet, I’m going to move states. Do you think our parents would take me back? I know they’re more understanding now and Dad and I are doing better… but do you think one of them would let me stay with them?
Otherwise, I can change my name ? What’s a good name I could choose? Because last time I picked a fake name, it wasn’t perfect. Well, Eddie never found out, so I guess I can pick something similar and he’ll never find me.
Not like he’d want to see me or look for me anyway. Why would he? I ruined our best friendship. Oh my God, I’m so stupid. That’s why everyone leaves me. I never make good choices.
Why did I ever have a kid?
Oh my God, Maddie, do you think social services are going to take Theo away from me? I’ve only had him for a year, but I don’t think I could survive if they took him away. Would you adopt him for me? Maddie, would you adopt him? While I disappear from the face of the Earth and…
— Evan…
— Why did I even do that? You know, I didn’t plan it. Not at all. It just happened. I didn’t think, I just acted. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I’m so dumb. There was just a moment and I snapped. I was standing in the doorway, and Eddie was tucking Theo into bed. And when he walked past me, I just grabbed him.
WHO DOES THAT?
I grabbed him by the hips and pinned him between the wall across from Theo’s bedroom and me. I looked at him. He didn’t move. And I kissed him. And it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced. Like… you know, it was like before that moment I never understood what gravity was, and then suddenly—bam.
Maddie, I’m utterly fucked. I’m so gone for him, we can never go back to what we were. I love him so much. I never noticed… or maybe I did and I just hid it from myself.
Yeah, I hid it from myself because everyone knew. You knew. Tommy knew. BOBBY KNEW TOO. I know Bobby knew because why else would he have put us together on the team like that? And Hen… Hen and Karen knew too. I could see it in their eyes. I don’t know if Chimney knows, but probably. Does Chimney know? Did you tell him?
The worst part is that I don’t even know when I started falling in love with him. Was it after the kidnapping? Maddie, you should have seen his eyes. He was ready to kill. I know he was ready to kill for me. What does that mean? A friend isn’t supposed to be ready to kill for you, right? i mean, I think I’d be ready to die for someone at the station. Even Ravi. But i was ready to die for Eddie, i know, i know, i never said anything about it to you before. But i was, i would have, i would still. Maybe it’s not that crazy.
But otherwise… maybe it was when he stayed by my bedside during my withdrawal. You know he slept beside me. Did you know we had already slept together before? During COVID, or when he got the call about the deaths of his entire squad from the army.
Seeing him like that broke me… Maybe that’s when I fell in love with him. Or when he left for El Paso to see Chris. I couldn’t function. God, I even got rid of my apartment again while he was gone, waiting for him in his to come back. I did the same thing I did with Abby. Fucking patterns. Or maybe it was the time he was stuck under the ground. Or the time he got shot. You know I was so scared both times. I thought I was going to die. I couldn’t breathe. I cried both time at the hospital like his freacking wife. Am i Eddie’s Wife?
And I knew that losing Eddie would be like losing a part of my soul. But I thought that was just friendship. I thought that was what friendship felt like.
I didn’t know. I promise, i didn’t know. Because if i would have know, i would have take other choices… or maybe not. I wasn’t gay. Well, yes, but only half gay, but I didn’t know yet, so does it even count? Does it count, Maddie?
No… You know what’s the worst part? I think it goes back even further.
You know, during the first year I knew Chris and Eddie, we went to a Christmas party together, and an elf told me we were a beautiful family. I didn’t correct her. We had barely known each other for a year at this point. And you know, at that dinner in New Mexico, before I was kidnapped, everyone at the restaurant thought we were together. And neither of us corrected them.
Everyone knew we were together. And I never knew. Because I was blind. But Eddie… Eddie isn’t blind. He must have known. And he never did or said anything. So that means he doesn’t love me, right? Not like that, at least. It’s obvious. Because he is straight, and he is a renter with a silver star. Well not anymore a renter because we ar both renter of the same house now. But you understand what i mean, right? Otherwise, he would have said something.
Right, Maddie?
Maddie…
— Evan? Please, I—
— Anyway, it’s not a big deal. And Ravi… you know Ravi thought we were married and divorced. He told me that. I was so embarrassed because Eddie would never marry me. Why would he want to marry me?
But mostly… Chris knew. And Theo… Theo thinks we’re his dads. BOTH OF US. Now, Theo call Eddie DeeDee, thats obviously mean Daddy. And Chris knew because not long after Theo came into our life, he started calling me Dad. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DID TO ME THE FIRST TIME? I stopped breathing. Of course Chris is like my son. Of course. I would never say otherwise. You know I love that kid. I love Nash and Jee-Yun too, okay? And Denny and Mara. Just to be clear.
And well, May and Harry are more like siblings to me. I hope you don’t mind. You know you’re my sister too.
Yes, obviously you know that, but you understand what I mean.
Anyway… anyway…
Oh God, what is Theo going to think when Chris and Eddie don’t come back? He’s going to be broken. And it’ll be my fault, Maddie. My fault. Maddie, I’m going to break my son’s hearth the same way I am broken. He’s going to feel abandoned and will not understand what did happen. I’m such an asshole for making this about me again. The endless trials and tribulations of Evan Buckley, a tragedy in so many acts I can’t count anymore. Eddie was right… Eddie always right…
— EVAN! STOP.
— No, Mad’, you don’t understand, Mad’…
— Shh. My turn to talk.
— …
— Good. Evan, listen to me carefully. YOU did not ruin anything. It’s Eddie’s turn to come back to you and talk about it. No matter what the two of you are, no matter what kind of relationship you have, what you will have, or what you choose to be, you will always get through the challenges that come your way. You have already survived so much more. It’s not… if this is the case, it’s not an unrequited love that will tear you apart.
He might just need time. Maybe he has never really thought about the possibility of loving a man. Or loving you. Or maybe he never realized you loved him.
We don’t know what he’s thinking.
— …
— So you, Evan Buckley, are going to give him time to process the situation. You’re going to give yourself time to process the situation.
Stop spiraling. Stay calm. Stay where you are.
Eddie is going to come back. Let him find his way back to you. He will, he always will. And he is not going to abandon you.
And if he does… Well, he better watch out, because he’s going to get a lecture from me, from the whole station, and from Athena.
But I’m not worried. Because, Buck… I see the way you look at him. And it’s so pure. And Eddie looks at you the same way.
— Maddie…
— I’m not saying that means something...
But I’m saying that what you are to each other matters less than what you’ve been through, less than the challenges you’ve faced. Your trust, your love for each other.
That matters.
Okay?
— Mad’…
— Evan, answer… Do you understand me?
— Yeah…
— Perfect.
— Thank you, Mad’.
— Anytime.
Now go sleep. Keep me updated.
And I love you so much.
— Love you too.
— And Buck?
— Yeah?
— You are loved.
So, so loved.
Never disappear, okay? Especially not to go live with one of our parents. Because i whole batch of people would look for you, so don’t even try. And Eddie will be the first in line. I know for sure.
— Okay.
Bye, Mad’. Love you.
— Love you.
***
Right after that, she received a photo from Hen.
Three glasses of wine were visible, and in the background, Eddie and Karen were talking. Eddie’s eyes were swollen and wide, and he looked completely overwhelmed.
/Those idiots. Just finish talking some sense into my brother. He’ll wait for Eddie at their house…
/Perfect. We’ll send him away after we talk to him. They’re such a mess.
/I know.
And later that same night, she received a photo from Buck. Only his eyes were visible, with Eddie lying on top of him. The message on the pic said: « We talked and we kissed. Thanks, Mad. Remind me to buy wine for Hen and Karen.”
Maddie smiled at her phone and showed the picture to Chimney, who smiled too.
— Finally… Well, at least Bobby had prepared the paperwork in advance.
— Oh, yeah?
— Yeah… he knew, Maddie. He knew.
And the two of them kissed at that. Maddie fell asleep curled against her husband, thanking Bobby.
***
Later, after her long day where she do nothing, as she should, and the kids came home from school, and Chimney came back from work. They had spaghetti for dinner while Jee-Yun told them about her day and the shoe accident she had during gym class, making Chimney smile and Nash and Theo laugh. He was staying with his little three-year-old sister Rosie at Maddie’s place during Buck and Eddie’s trip.
Those two had adopted Rosie two and an half year before. Her father was unknown, and her mother had died during childbirth. They had taken her in when she was only a few months old. The fact that they had already raised Theo had greatly helped them get chosen, from the Department of Social Services. She was such a joyful little girl, and Theo loved being a big brother. Jee was so happy to have another cousin, especially a girl.
Thankfully, Rosie still took afternoon naps from time to time, like she had done earlier.
After the bedtime routine, with all four children asleep, Chimney and Maddie were exhausted. So they went to bed too, after one last shared “I love you.”
As the Earth moved at the exact same time. But not enough to wake them.
***
A few hours later, Maddie wouldn’t have been able to say exactly how much time had passed, but she wake up. Her phone wouldn’t stop ringing on her bedside table. But she didn’t remember setting an alarm for today. She wasn’t working.
Beside her, she heard her husband mumble something incomprehensible, but she understood the meaning anyway. She sighed and turned toward her nightstand, pulling herself away from Chimney. But she didn’t move any further. Still half asleep, her eyelids heavy, her body begging her to go back to sleep.
The ringing continued.
— Maaaaaad’… please…
— Hmmm… okay, okay…
She shifted back to her side of the bed and grabbed her phone. And the second her fingers touched it, an electric shock went through her. Something was wrong. Something serious was happening.
She answered while catching a glimpse of who was calling.
— Ath…
— Maddie! Maddie… turn on the TV. Now!
— Athena? What’s happening?
— Turn on the TV.
She did.
Under the loud, sleepy complaints of her husband lifting the covers to block the television light from his eyes while still leaving one ear uncovered to listen.
— Go to the news…
— Athena, you’re scaring m…
And she stopped.
Because she understood why Athena had woken her up in the middle of the night.
On the television, they were receiving a live feed from a helicopter flying around what had once been a city center filled with skyscrapers. Now, only pieces of buildings remained standing. Most of them were on the ground. Several fire trucks, police cars, and ambulances were already surrounding the scene. Many people were lying on the ground, surely crying, sitting on their knees, or running around.
On the street, she could see part of a broken sign. The name looked familiar. But she couldn’t process it. Everything was happening too fast.
She could hear the reporter’s voice, but Maddie couldn’t understand a single word. She only reached out and touched Chimney’s shoulder, unable to say anything. He moved, and before he could speak, he fell silent as he looked at the television. Then he looked back at Maddie.
— What the hell…?
— …magnitude 8.5. Scientists do not believe there will be any further major aftershocks, but authorities are asking everyone to remain calm and stay inside. Those who are currently outside are being asked not to return to the city for the next few hours or to find somewhere to take shelter. We do not yet know the number of injured, but…
— Maddie…
His voice broke.
— It’s San Francisco…
And then the name of the hotel came back to her.
She looked at her husband. Athena was still talking to her, but Maddie couldn’t truly hear her. Her mind was somewhere else. Too absorbed. Too terrified. Her heart was slowly breaking. She could feel it in her body that this time was different from all the others. Everything felt more final.
And with tears filling her eyes, she whispered one name.
— Buck…