Chapter Text
JJ was trying not to panic. Trying was the operative word. She was late, and not by a couple of days. Her period should have arrived over a week ago. She was always so careful with Will. JJ wasn't ready for a child. She was only twenty-eight, and she didn't know whether she wanted a baby with Will. JJ really didn't even know if she wanted kids at all.
They hadn't been together that long, and it wasn't like it was really that serious. She should have broken up with him in Miami; then they wouldn't be in this mess at all.
Like most things, JJ tried to ignore it for as long as she possibly could. She didn't like things that she couldn't solve. But a late period and her newfound nausea were getting harder to ignore. Especially when it felt like the nausea was lasting all the time. If this was happening, it was happening whether she wanted it to or not. A baby wouldn't care whether she was ready or not. They were arriving in nine months, so JJ better get herself ready. There was only one way to know for sure: buy a test. JJ went after work. She stood in that aisle looking at all of her options. Why were there so many different kinds of pregnancy tests? How was JJ supposed to know which option was the best?
She didn't want to be in this situation at all. JJ was a planner. She didn't enjoy surprises, and this was a really fucking big one.
In the end, she grabbed several. There was nothing wrong with being sure. They sat in the bag, almost mocking her, on the way home from the pharmacy.
If JJ were to ever have a baby, she never thought she'd be taking a pregnancy test on her own. She didn't want to tell Will until she knew that there was something to tell. Penelope would be here in a second if she knew, but JJ didn't want to tell her either.
She wasn't sure why. Maybe because if she told anyone else this would be real, and JJ's not ready for it to be real. If only she knew, she could pretend it wasn't happening for as long as possible.
The timer ticking down until she could see the results felt agonizingly slow. JJ didn't know whether she wanted it to move faster or to live in denial for as long as she could. There were people who would have been there for her while she did this if she had asked.
Positive.
All three tests were positive. The little plus signs were looking at her almost mockingly. JJ closed her eyes, thread her fingers through her hair. How could she so dumb? This was going to change everything.
There was a baby growing inside of her. A little life that she should choose to have would be here in nine months. A part of her. When she thought about it like that, it didn't seem so bad.
JJ didn't have to make any decisions tonight. She needed to sit with that decision. And she did, all night. JJ couldn't sleep. Not with this on her mine.
She doesn't call Will. JJ's not sure if she's even going to have this baby, and why does he need to know? That would be her choice to make. She didn't need his input. It wasn't his body.
JJ did call her doctor. She wanted to make sure she was even pregnant. Not trusting the pregnancy tests, or maybe she's just still in denial. Either way, the first step was a blood test. It took ten minutes. Ten minutes that would decide her entire future.
This case that they're working on isn't helping. She shouldn't have to convince the team to take a stalking case. A woman's life was in danger, and Derek didn't seem to care. The secret abortion didn't really help her mental state. JJ hasn't made any decisions yet. She isn't sure what it'll be, but it'll be her choice.
Emily knew something was wrong because, of course, she did. She had a habit of reading JJ like a book. It was both amazing and terrifying to feel so seen.JJ doesn't tell her, she's not ready yet. It'd be so easy to. She would sit with her while she did, with the quiet understanding she always seemed to have.
Instead, she opened the letter from her doctor on her own. JJ skimmed the letter, looking for the only information she actually cared about, the results.
Pregnant. She already knew it, but now here it was spelled out for her. The blood test confirmed.
There was no denying it this time. She'd been trying so hard to ignore it. JJ was already attached to her baby.
Now she had to tell Will. They'd never discussed kids. There were a lot of things they'd never talked about. Their relationship was never serious. If JJ was honest with herself, it was always just a fling to her. She wasn't in love with him. Not in the way that he wanted her to be.
Now things were pretty fucking serious. They were tied together for the rest of their lives. Even if they broke up, they would always share this baby.
Well fuck.
JJ made the call that she didn't really want to make. She did it right there from her office because she knew she would avoid it if she didn't do it right away. He deserved to at least know about the baby.
"Hey," JJ said when Will picked up the phone, "We need to talk."
"What would I do?' Will joked over the phone, not picking up on JJ's mood, or maybe he did, and he was just trying to lighten it.
He never was very in tune with JJ's emotions. Not like Emily always was. Sometimes Emily knew how she was feeling before she even knew.
JJ took a deep breath, and her hand rested on her still flat belly. It felt unreal that there was a baby in there. "You didn't do anything. I can't just call you to talk?"
It was harsher than she intended. Everything was just hard right now. Her mind felt jumbled before all this. She hadn't slept last night. But she was tired before that. Now she knew that was probably a pregnancy symptom.
"You okay?" Will asked, "You sound off."
There wasn't an easy way to say this. She had to rip off the band-aid, eventually. Will was going to react the way he reacted. JJ couldn't control that. She just had to tell him,
"I'm fine," JJ said, "Actually, I'm pregnant."
The silence over the phone is deafening. Will doesn't respond right away. JJ felt the need to clarify. Maybe the signal was cut on the phone or something, and he missed it. The silence made her nervous,"Did you hear me? I'm pregnant."
"I heard you," Will said, "I wasn't expecting that."
"Yeah, well, neither was I," She'd been pretty surprised herself, "But I am. I got the paperwork from the doctor tonight."
Okay, she'd gotten it earlier and hadn't wanted to look at it, but Will didn't need to know that.
"You're sure it's mine?" Will asked.
The tiredness JJ felt turned to anger pretty fucking quick. What the fuck kind of question was that? They were in a relationship. JJ wasn't sleeping with anyone else. She really hoped Will wasn't either.
"Of course, the baby is yours," JJ said, "How could you ask me that?"
"Well, I needed to make sure," Will said, like it wasn't crazy to basically accuse JJ of cheating, "And you just found out today?"
JJ didn't like the way this conversation was going. She wasn't expecting Will to be jumping up and down or anything. Really, she was still working out her own feelings about this baby. JJ knew she was most likely keeping the baby. Not that she was very sure of anything right now. She couldn't think straight.
"I suspected I was, but I didn't hear from the doctor until today," JJ said, "I don't know how far along I am. I haven't had a scan yet."
She could estimate. The baby would be here sometime in November, most likely, if she was as far as long as she thought.
Another prolonged silence over the phone. JJ wished she had waited to do this face-to-face. At least then, she'd have a little bit of insight into what Will was thinking.
"You gonna keep it?" Will asked, and he seemed uncomfortable, which made JJ uncomfortable.
He said you, not we. Was JJ going to keep the baby? He'd divorced himself from the situation. Will hadn't expressed any excitement, hadn't asked how she was feeling. Everything about this interaction felt cold, like she was telling an acquaintance, and not her baby's father. JJ knew he was out. It was instinctual
"I think so, yeah," JJ said. No, she wanted to have this baby. Even if it didn't seem like it was something that Will wanted, "Yes, I want to have this baby."
JJ had no desire to give him an out. Even if she knew what his feelings towards this baby were. He hadn't earned any grace from her. If he wanted nothing to do with them, he had to say it.
Will sighed over the phone, "I just don't know that this is the right time. You live in DC, and I live in New Orleans. I don't think I'm ready for a baby right now."
"And you think I am?" JJ said. She was scared shitless, but this was happening whether they wanted it to or not. She wasn't ready for a baby at all.
"Look, I can send money if you need it, but I'm just not ready," Will said. He sounded cold and detached. His mind was made up. And JJ wasn't going to force him to change it. Will made his choice, if he wanted miss out on their baby's life that was on him,
The phone call ended, and JJ felt sick to her stomach. It wasn't a new feeling; she always felt like that right now. But this was like a pit. JJ's own dad walked out on her. She hadn't talked to him since she was twelve years old. That wasn't what she wanted for her kids. She wanted them to have a family.
That didn't mean she couldn't do this on her own.
Emily knew JJ wasn't okay. It was written all over her face. The raised voice coming from her office only solidified that. So, she waited. JJ had to leave eventually, and she wanted to make sure that JJ was okay.
"Hey," JJ said. She looked exhausted. The color was gone from her face. It was almost like she was weak on her feet, "I thought you went home."
"I was going to, but you lied to me," Emily said, "You're not okay. Whatever it is, I want to help."
JJ looked as if she was too tired to fight it anymore, "Can we go to your apartment or something? I don't want to talk about this here."
Emily drove. JJ was not driving herself. Not with the way that she looked. The ride was mostly silent. JJ sat with her head against the window, eyes closed. JJ looked like she was asleep, and Emily hated to disturb her when they got to her apartment.
She kept her hand on the small of JJ's back, not quite touching, but close enough to provide support should JJ need it. Ready to catch JJ's weight if she started to swat on her feet.
"Can I get you anything?" Emily asked, "Water? Wine?"
JJ shook her head, "No, no wine. Not for a little while at least."
"JJ, what's going on?" Emily asked, "Are you okay? Did something happen?"
If someone hurt JJ, Emily would track them down herself.
"I'm pregnant," JJ said. She sounded resigned, neutral. The tone of her voice did not give away how she felt about that news.
That wasn't what Emily was expecting. "Are we happy about it?"
"I don't know yet. Still working through all of that," JJ let out a weary sigh, "Will doesn't want anything to do with the baby. He actually asked me if I was sure the baby was his."
A surge of anger ran through Emily's body. Why did men have to be like that?
"You have options," Emily pointed out. She understood what JJ was going through because she'd been there before. Emily had been fifteen when she had to make that choice. She didn't regret her abortion. It was the right choice. That didn't stop her from thinking about who her baby might have become.
"I know," JJ put her head in her hands, "We were so careful. I don't understand how this happened. How am I supposed to do this by myself?"
Emily reached out hesitantly, put her hand between JJ's shoulder blades, "You have me, JJ. I don't care what you choose to do. I'll be there for you no matter what."
Emily meant it. If JJ needed someone to help her with the baby she'd do that. If she wanted someone to hold her hand while she terminated the pregnancy, she'd do that too.
It was like those words finally gave JJ the permission she needed to break down. She collapsed into Emily's arms. Hot tears soaked into the material of Emily's shirt.
"I got you," Emily said. She held JJ closer to her, let her cling. JJ needed to be held,"We'll figure it out."
"Sorry, I didn't mean to cry all over you," JJ said, wiping at her eyes. She pulled backed, embarrassed.
Emily cupped JJ's cheek, wiped away tears with her thumb, "I don't mind."
"I'm going to have the baby," JJ said, determined, "I know that's what I want."
"For what it's worth, I think you'll be a really great mom," Emily hugged her again, "And I'm really happy for you."
JJ deserved someone to be happy for her. It should have been Will, but Emily was more than willing to step into that role if JJ needed it.
A blush covered JJ's cheeks, "Thanks,Em."
"Are you feeling okay?" Emily asked.
JJ let out a dry, sarcastic laugh, "If being exhausted and sick all of the time is feeling okay now, then yes. You're the only one who knows."
That surprised Emily. She expected Penelope to be clued in on what was going on. JJ trusted her enough to tell her, and that meant a lot.
"C'mon," Emily said, grabbing JJ's hand, "It's late. You're staying here tonight."
JJ didn't argue. Emily wasn't sure if she had the energy to argue right now. She got JJ settled in the guest room with borrowed pajamas and a new toothbrush. She went into her own. Sleep didn't come. She wanted to help JJ as much as she would allow. Figuring out how was hard, though, wanting to find the balance between overstepping and support.
JJ thought she was doing this alone, but she wasn't because Emily was going to be there in any way she might need.
Emily woke up after a restless night's sleep. JJ was in her guest room. She wasn't going to send her home after how exhausted she was. She never really wanted JJ to go home. If she had her choice, JJ would be around her all of the time. She got out of bed, intending to ask JJ if she wanted to borrow some clothes for work today. She wasn't going to suggest that JJ take an off day. Even if she really thought JJ needed one because she knew JJ would never agree.
Emily wasn't expecting to find JJ in the guest bathroom getting sick. She moved immediately, helping to hold JJ's long blonde hair back with one hand, the other making soothing circles on her upper back.
"Are you okay?" Emily asked. Morning sickness didn't seem very fun. "You were sick last night, weren't you?"
"You don't have to do this," JJ said, leaning back, her face still ashen. She looked a little embarrassed, not that she needed to be.
Emily knew that she didn't. But she wanted to. A part of her was desperate to take care of JJ. Sure, she had a little bit of a crush when she first joined the team. But she was over that now. She was just trying to be a good friend. Besides, JJ was straight.
"I know. I want to," Emily said. She helped JJ off the bathroom floor. JJ still seemed a little shaky.
Emily got JJ's clothes so she could take a shower, and then she got out her laptop to look up different things to help with morning sickness. She didn't have time to go out before work, but she might be able to sneak away on her break. There was nothing she could do to take away JJ's sickness; she could find things that might help.
JJ looked a little more like herself after her shower. Wet hair hung around her face, wearing Emily's clothes.
"I made you some toast," Emily said, "You should get something into your stomach. It'll help"
"How do you know that?" JJ asked, looking at the toast suspiciously. Wrinkled her nose like it offended her.
She isn't sure why she feels so nervous telling JJ that she's been researching how to help her. It felt like overstepping.
"I just do," Emily said. She was trying to play it cool, but it wasn't working.
JJ ate the toast slowly, eventually getting it down. It took her longer than it should have to eat a single piece of bread. It felt like a monumental task to finish getting ready. So JJ did something she normally never would. JJ let Emily dry her hair for her, twisting it up so it was off her neck. If her hands lingered too long on JJ's shoulders or on the back of her neck, neither one of them were willing mention it.
They went to work, and she really tried not to hover. Emily wanted to find any excuse to visit JJ's office. It was hard to be in the same building as JJ and not be with her. She was worried, and maybe feeling a little overprotective. Emily knocked on JJ's office door around midmorning.
"What are you doing in here?" JJ asked, leaning back into her chair. It didn't look like much work was getting done. Files cluttered every part of the small space. JJ had one open in front of her.
Emily held up a shopping bag, "I got you something. Saltines. You should eat a couple before you get out of bed, and some ginger tea. It's supposed to help with nausea."
JJ cut her off before she could keep listing items, "You didn't have to do all that."
"I know, but I want to. I'm here, JJ. I want to help with whatever you need. You shouldn't have to do this on your own," Emily explained. The words spilled out of her, "And you don't have to because you have me. All you need to do is tell me what you need, and I'll do it."
JJ crossed her arms, hugging herself, "I'm not good at asking for help."
"Yeah, I know that," Emily said. It was glaringly obvious, "But I'm here for whatever you might need. I'll always be here, JJ."
"I have my first doctor's appointment this week. Will you go with me? I really don't want to go by myself," JJ asked. It seemed hard for her to do it.
Emily let out a relieved breath. She expected this to take more convincing, "Of course. Just tell me when."
JJ was nervous. She didn't expect to be. This was the first time she'd get to see her baby. Her hand rested on her stomach. That was happening a lot lately when she was alone. Her hand would drift down. It still felt unreal to hear that there was a little person growing inside of her. Her child, and as scared as she still was, she really couldn't wait to meet them.
Her mind kept wandering to visions of a little boy with golden hair. JJ felt like this baby was a boy. She didn't know why, some kind of intuition, maybe. Whatever it was, JJ felt it in her bones.
Emily was picking her up. She'd insisted on driving, and JJ had already learned that arguing with her wasn't going to work. JJ wasn't sure how she would have been able do any of this without her. She'd been a godsend. Somehow, she just knew when JJ needed her the most. They'd be at work, and all of a sudden, Emily would show up in her office with a mug of ginger tea like she knew JJ needed to settle her stomach. If she wasn't following JJ back to her apartment after work, she always called to check in just to see if she needed anything.
Will should be here for this appointment. If he couldn't, JJ should be calling him on the phone when they are done. She hadn't heard from him at all. Not since she told him about the baby and he said he wanted nothing to do with him.
Will wasn't there, though. Emily was the one driving her to the appointment. She was the one making silly little jokes in the waiting room because she must have felt how anxious JJ was, and when it was time for the ultrasound, she held JJ's hand while the ultrasound tech moved the wand searching for the baby. JJ held her breath until the image filled the screen.
It didn't look like much. Just a blob on the screen, but it was a baby. Her baby. A loud, fast whoosh filled the room. Her baby's heartbeat. It was the best sound JJ ever heard. Tears filled JJ's eyes. In that moment, she realized just how badly she wanted this. She was still scared, but that was her baby.
She looked at Emily, who was watching the little ultrasound screen with complete fascination, and tears in her eyes like she was looking at the best thing she'd ever seen. Her grip on JJ's hand never loosened.
The tech printed them both a picture. JJ couldn't stop staring at it. She could do this on her own. They'd be okay. The two of them.
Emily pulled her into a tight hug in the parking lot, "That was amazing. Thank you for letting me be there for that."
"Thank you for coming. I really didn't want to do that on my own," JJ said, "I was so scared there was going to be something wrong. I don't think I realized how much I wanted this baby until there wasn't."
"Little bean is growing right where they're supposed to," Emily said, her hand pressed against JJ's stomach.
It didn't feel uncomfortable like JJ was expecting it to. No one else would be given permission to do that right now.
"Little Bean?" JJ asked.
Emily smiled at her, those adorable dimples showing off, "We need something to call them, and the baby kind of looked like a bean."
"I like it," JJ said. It felt right, and it was something that was just there. A little nickname for the baby, "It feels a little more real now."
They got into the car. Emily held the door open for her and made sure she was settled before she got in herself. She was always considerate like that.
Emily held up the copy of the ultrasound the tech gave her, "Can I keep this?"
"Of course," JJ said, she wanted her to have it. It just felt right
There was something so intimate about what they just shared together. Whenever JJ thought about seeing her baby for the first time, Emily was would be there, holding her hand. They were forever joined in that moment.
"Want to go to lunch?" Emily asked, "Celebrate seeing Little Bean for the first time?"
"I'd really like that," JJ said. She'd already been trying to come up with ideas in her head to keep her close, not ready for her to leave yet. She made JJ feel better, more grounded. It was like the baby knew it too. She felt less sick, more settled when she was around.
Bean, the nickname Emily gave them. Maybe they weren't as alone as JJ thought.