Work Text:
Shane,
You are what makes this decision so hard. I’m sorry. Please don’t blame yourself, there’s nothing you could do to stop this. I’m weak, and I’m a coward. I’m so sorry. You think I am the brave one between us, but I’m only better at playing pretend. You have always been stronger than me. You will make it out of this, and you will be okay. I’m sure of it.
I know you must be very surprised. I want to try to tell you what is going through my brain so you’re not left to wonder, but it’s so hard to explain. Especially in English. My mother didn’t leave anything and I still have so many questions. I think about them every day. I don’t want to leave you like that, so I have to at least try.
I have always been this way, I think. At least since I was twelve. I go through these periods where everything feels so sad and bad and pointless, and I don’t want to do anything or talk to anyone. I get so angry, but I’m too exhausted to want to deal with any of it. I have people who love me, but I still feel alone. When I was younger, I thought that if my mother had been able to get out of Russia and away from my father, she would not have done what she did. She would have gotten better. I thought I would feel better too. Then I got here and I didn’t feel better. After that I met you, and I thought that if I were somehow able to have you for real, I would feel better for sure.
I’ve had you for years, and I don’t feel better. Not always.
I used to have things that I could do that would make me feel good for a while, but they haven’t worked the same in months. I can’t make friends here the way I used to. Something is different about me compared to when I was younger, and everything is getting worse in my head. I don’t want to be away from you, because when I’m with you I actually feel like it will be okay someday, but I can’t handle feeling like this all the time when you’re not around. I’m so worn down.
Part of me thinks that once our careers are over and we retire, and we can come out and live together and be normal, I’ll be alright. But I’ve never been right about that before. I think that maybe this is the best I can do, and it’s not good enough. We’re not even thirty. I don’t have five or ten more years of this in me. I’m sorry. I’m not as strong as you are. Even if I were able to push through, you deserve so much better than this.
I also thought about maybe asking you to change the plan, but I don’t want to do that either. You are incredible, you are radiant, you are the best alive. The best of all time. You’re ten times the player I am. If I tell you everything that’s going on, you might lose some of that to try to make me okay, and it won’t work. I’d make you worse for nothing. I'd drag you down. You shouldn’t be with someone who needs to make you duller.
In the end, I think this is the best way for both of us. I won’t feel like this anymore, and you won’t have to put up with all my issues.
Shane, please read this carefully: don’t be sad forever. I want you to find someone who supports you the way you deserve and makes you so much happier than I ever could. Once you don’t have all the NHL bullshit to deal with, I think it will hopefully be easier for you to live publicly. I don't make you as happy as I used to, anyway. At least not in the last few months. You always seem like you’re trying to work up the courage to say something when you’re with me, but I push you away too much. I’m sorry for always closing off from you. You deserve better than that, too.
I already made a document with a lawyer so you would have control over everything once I’m gone. It was only eight pages. I guess even with all our money, it’s not so complicated when you’re giving it all to one person. I didn’t use Farah’s lawyer because I was worried he would tell someone, but I’ll put this one’s phone number on the paper after this note. Call him and he’ll help. You can do whatever you want with all of it. The foundation, the house, my things, my body. Tell people about us, keep it a secret. Whatever will make you happy. Just please keep me here with you. I don’t want to go back to Russia. Also, your birthday gift is wrapped in the closet. I hope you like it, even if it's a little early.
Please tell your parents how much I love them, and that they could not have done anything to prevent this that they did not already do, and that I am very grateful for everything they have done for me over the last few years. They’re incredible people, and they made the most amazing person I’ve ever met. It was so nice to be part of a real family for a while.
Finally, you. My beloved. Sweetheart. Thank you for being the best part of my life, the most important part of my life, for as long as you were. The last four years with you have been so wonderful. I go back through my memories of playing for Boston, and they are all defined by the brief moments I got to have with you. I remember everything.
It’s funny. I don’t have anything else to say, but I don’t want to stop writing. I love you so much. You’re beautiful. I’m thinking about you and your freckles and how cute you look when you blush or get that pissy look on your face. I never deserved you, not for a single second. I keep hugging this paper to my chest because I’m going to be without you soon and I’m so scared.
I love you.
Я люблю тебя всегда,
Ilya