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Four in the morning was a terrible time for Jason to be awake. He knew this because he'd spent enough nights awake at four in the morning to become somewhat of an expert on the subject. The effects of death, how beautiful. Waking up in a sweat, pretty green eyes, and going gray early.
At four in the morning, Gotham felt wrong. Obviously, this was Gotham's prime time. Usually, Jason would be out now, kicking ass; honestly, he wished he were. His ankle had been sprained on his patrol the previous night, which made Alfed extremely worrisome. But Jason wasn’t one to let Alfred worry, and it was whatever. He needed a break anyway, and it’d be nice to sit in an empty apartment, unable to sleep, doomscrolling. The dream!
So, here he was. Sitting alone in his mold-infested apartment, eating the best fucking takeout ever.
Which sucked—not the takeout, of course. That was gold. What sucked was that he was alone. It was utterly pitiable.
Jason slouched deeper into the chair, staring at the collection of white food containers spread across his tiny kitchen table.
"This is pathetic."
The room offered no response. Because that's what rooms usually did. Gosh, rooms were so mean sometimes. Like, jeez. Offer some company atleast. Jason pointed his chopsticks accusingly at the empty chair across from him.
"Don't look at me like that."
The empty chair remained judgmental. Jason sighed. The sesame chicken he ordered was actually pretty decent. Scratch that, it was the best food Jason had ever had. He grew up eating that same dish, from the same restaurant, all the time. First, with his mother. Even when she died, they knew him so well that their restaurant became his prime food source. The place was closing down in a few months. Not enough income. He stabbed another piece of chicken– he really didn’t want to think of that. The one place he truly could feel at home would be gone. Probably replaced with some capitalistic laundry mat that charged way too much.
His phone sat face-down on the table.
Roy was asleep. Probably. Or unconscious somewhere. He did that a lot.
Dick was definitely asleep.
Tim was probably awake, but talking to Tim at four in the morning usually resulted in finding yourself six feet deep (hah, pun.) in some alien conspiracy theory.
Cass would murder him if he called.
Steph would answer. Steph would absolutely answer. Steph would spend the next three hours talking. Steph would be annoying. Steph likes to talk too much.
Jason wasn't interested in hearing about the latest girl fantasy. How many crushes could a woman have in a single week?
Which left him alone with his food. The world's worst company. Well, besides this fucking lame ass room. And the lame ass chair. The chicken was still good, though.
"You know what the problem is?" he asked nobody. And of course, nobody answered. "Eating food should be social! Not like this. Holy shit." He took a bite, stuffing his face full of rice. "Humans invented cooking so we could sit around fires and judge each other! Tame a fucking wolf or something. Not to sit and mope." Another bite. "That's literally the point." Well, he wasn't sure if that was actually the point. Sounded right, though.
Jason leaned back in his couch, possibly even further. Damn, that was impressive. He was slouched pretty far back. He lifted his remote and flicked through the stations.
Nothing good was on. A boring news station, but who really watched the news in Gotham? No one! Then there was a whale documentary, but that reminded him too much of Bruce. Old movies that had been rerun for the fifteenth time tonight. He flipped through again, a blender commercial. Again- and, ooh. A cooking show.
The man paused, debating it for a second. Hell, he would at least be eating with someone now. The tv sounded out throughout the small room, the middle-aged man on the screen ranting about the burger. He was balding and smiling way too much for a man getting paid so little. Jason already hated the man.
He took a massive bite of the burger, closing his eyes as he chewed. Ew. He then made a face that showed he had just had the best day of his life. Not with that burger, he’s not
“This,” he paused, taking anothe rbite, “is the best burger Gotham has ever seen This is perfection. Absolutely, utter–”
“NO THE FUCK IT ISNT?” Jason screamed at the tv, slamming his takeout box on his lap. How dumb was this guy? He was probably being paid. He widened his hius eyes letting out a gasp. That burger had soggy lettuce. SOGGY. Holy shit Jason was actually going to kill this guy. He immediately slammed the power off button. “Fine. Fine. I’ll fucking do a better review than you ever can. Fine. Fuck you.” He let out a string of curses, grabbing his phone and standing it against an empty glass on his side table. He clicked record, bringing the takeout in view of the camera.
“This is the best fuckin’ Chinese I have ever ate. Shout out Kevin’s in Crime Alley, go eat this shit.” He shoved it in his mouth, glaring at the screen. “Maybe if Batman did his job we could be happy! He’s not even-“ he took another bite, shoving his mouth full. “-that good! Like, he saves an orphan one time and suddenly he’s a saint. Sometimes killing is a good option, thank you very much.” He exasperated, rolling his head back as he talked with his mouth full. The man would continue to rant, hardly even registering the button was still flashing red, signaling the continued recording. He spoke his mind, and that seemed to be enough. “He’s literally just a furry! There are so much better vigilantes than a furry!”
“Like, oh my-“ He began, pausing. His spoon had hit the bottom of the cardboard box. “Fuck me! Oh my god.” His Chinese was gone and now he was mad. Great.
He went to slam on his phone screen, turning the video off.
“That was so much better than whatever that guy did. I’m going to do so much better that him.” Jason spat out. He clicked on YouTube, uploading the video.
He’d show him.
And Batman.
Fuck Batman.
He flopped down on his couch, letting out a breath. There. Eating was social.
Jason Todd fell asleep to the sound of gunshots, and a phone on the floor buzzing with notifications.
__________
Whoever invented the sun should be shot. Really, Jason just needed to figure out who. He’s got guns. He could get the job done.
Oddly enough, his sleep had been peaceful. Besides the constant buzzing of who knows who— (probably Roy) it was actually really good. Sure, when he woke up his back ached from sleeping on the couch, and his ankle still stung, but it was pretty good. Pretty damn good if he could say so himself.
After a few minutes of laying on the couch, staring up at the ceiling, Jason got up. He reached down for his phone— which was somehow still not dead, and went to check for what Roy had spammed him about. Probably something dumb. Might’ve locked himself out again.
His finger swiped up, and— oh. Well, it wasn’t Roy.
His home screen was filled with notifications from YouTube, like, hundreds.
“Holy shit.” Jason baffled out. “I’m famous! Fuck yeah!” He stood up abruptly, a grin stretching across his face. “Hah. Take that Bruce!” The man’s voice stretched out upon his danty apartment, a kick from the floor above sounding out. Oops. Sorry, neighbors.
He sat back down, scrolling to watch the video and seeing what all happened.
He was expecting a couple hundred likes. Enough to make Dick a little jealous— what he wasn’t expecting was one hundred thousand.
He refreshed.
It went up higher by a couple thousand.
Either the entirety of the internet suddenly loved him, or everyone hated him. Jason would bet on the latter.
Unexpectedly, the comments were filled with appreciation, and apparently the clip of him calling Bruce a furry was a meme trending on twitter.
“Holy shit this guy knows ball”
“omg, i grew up eating there!! I forgot about that place, im totally gonna go check it out! here’s the address for anyone else interested ^^
Kevin’s, 507, park row, Gotham, New Jersey”
That one was pretty cool. Didn’t know other people actually went there besides himself.
“only honest reviewer not being paid in Gotham btw”
“Why is batman being brought up into this?? I mean, girlboss, but seriously, Batman??”
“The batman slander is frying me”
Oh my god. This famous life really was meant for him, Bruce was wrong! He didn’t want to be some rich gala guy, he wanted to be YouTube famous for shitting on Batman. He silently cheered on the couch, another grin making its way onto his face.
He hearted a comment that read “Batman definitely eats unseasoned chicken.” Hah. The best part was he DIDNT! Well, Alfred made it, of course it wouldn’t be unseasoned. God, Jason was craving a nice home cooked meal right now from the man. He liked a few more random comments, but every time he thought he was done the amount only tripled; so he just stopped replying to every single one. There was no way in hell Jason had that much time.
The rest of that day was uneventful, but Jason went to sleep in his own bed feeling pretty content with how the day went. He saw a few twitter posts that made him laugh, so it wasn’t that bad. I guess he went viral too, so that was a plus.
Now, waking up at 3am to his phone buzzing uncontrollably was worrisome. First, he thought he had accidentally posted another video. After he confirmed he didn’t in his mind, he immediately knew what it was.
Dick fucking Grayson. God, how could Jason not even think of him once he posted the video? Dick was more chronically online than him, and that was saying something
His phone buzzed.
Then buzzed again.
And again.
And again, and again, and again…
Holy shit. Jason stared at it from across the couch, groaning and throwing his head back, exasperated. The phone only continued vibrating, to the dismay of Jason.With a sigh, he reached over and unlocked it.
bats (89 Unread Messages)
Jesus Christ, that was a bit much. Why couldn’t they just get a life, like Jason. Jason’s life was awesome right now, I bet they couldn’t shit on Batman and get famous. Hah.
Steph: HE'S TRENDING
Steph: JASON
Steph: JASON TODD
Steph: ANSWER YOUR PHONE, WHG ARE YOU TRNWDING???
Dick: Jason, good morning 😁
Dick: Or afternoon, I suppose now!
Dick: Why are you trending?
Tim: 427,000 views now.
Tim: 431,000.
Tim: 438,000.
Steph: TIM STOP AND TELL US WHY?? AND WHERE IS IT
Tim: i won’t stop, but here’s the link to the video he posted
https://youtu.be/Aq5WXmQQooo?si=OMMMjmz71z0DmtX1
Jason snorted, and kept scrolled. And scrolling, and scrolling, and— holy shit, how long was this? Apparently they'd been at this for hours. They really needed a life, holy shit. Most of it was Steph laughing and begging for him to post more. Damian had apparently joined as well, which was odd. Dick had tried several times to steer the conversation back toward sanity. He had failed spectacularly. Jason always loved to see a good Dick fail.
Then Jason reached the bottom. And there it was. A message sent only thirty seconds ago. Possibly the worst thing that could have had happen and ruin his perfectly good day.
Bruce: Remove the video.
Jason stared at it for a moment, mouth agape. Fuck no, why did Bruce think he’d listen to him of all people?
He then typed.
Jason: no
Three dots appeared instantly, Bruce typing back to argue.
Bruce: Jason.
Jason: bruce! nice to hear from you
Bruce: Remove the video.
Jason: make me
Dick: Maybe let's all take a second!
Steph: stop trying to be a people pleaser dick let them fight it out
Bruce: The video contains misinformation.
Jason barked out a laugh.
Jason: i said you're a furry not a war criminal? and everything else was true
Steph: HELP?? LMAOO
Dick: Jason, dude
Tim: SCREENSHOTTING THIS
The typing bubble appeared again.
Jason could practically feel Bruce's disappointment through the screen.
Bruce: Delete the video.
Jason considered it. Honestly, he really thought about it.
Carefully weighed all of his options.
He could delete it, but he’d be stuck at home for the rest of the week doing nothing, and he wouldn’t be famous again. He liked being famous.
Or, he could piss off Bruce.
One was clearly the better option.
He then typed:
Jason: fuck you, no
And left the group chat.
Jason stared at his phone.
The little message appeared at the bottom of the screen.
You have left Bats.
Perfect. Wonderful. Beautiful. Peace, if you dare say.
Then his phone immediately rang, and the smile on his face was swept away. Holy shit, Bruce, leave me alone.
The man looked down at his phone, and it was just what he expected.
Bruce, calling him.
He declined it.
The phone rang again— Bruce, again.
Declined.
Again.
Declined.
Again.
Jason turned the phone off, throwing it across the room.
"There. Holy shit fuck you, Bruce!”
Silence. Sweet, sweet glorious silence. He stretched out across the couch, throwing one arm over his eyes. Life was good. Bruce was mad. Steph was probably losing her mind. Tim had definitely screenshotted everything and sent it to the other group chat that he had left. And for the first time in years, Jason had won an argument against Bruce. Well, he felt it was won. Bruce probably thought otherwise. A grin spread across his face.
Then his stomach growled.
Jason froze.
Slowly, he lowered his arm.
"...Right."
Food, the entire reason this disaster had started in the first place.
He sat up with another sigh. His apartment immediately reminded him why he couldn’t eat here— there were empty takeout containers everywhere, a soda can balanced precariously on the arm of the couch, someone’s hoodie was hanging from the ceiling fan. Jason honestly couldn't remember how that got there.
The point was that he was hungry.
And more importantly— He grabbed his phone, powering it back on and ignoring the missed calls. Instead of responding, he clicked on YouTube and his channel stared back at him.
jason todd
Subscribers: 52,341
Jason blinked for a moment, refreshing.
53,012
"...Oh my god, this so, so cool.”
Refreshed again.
53,108
Refreshed.
53,227
The number continued climbing way too fast. Jason gaped at his phone. The people wanted more— which was ridiculous, afterall, the video barely counted as a review. Half of it was him insulting Batman. The other half was him stuffing Chinese food in his mouth and shouting out Kevins. Speaking of Kevins, he wondered if the video got him anything.
Somehow, all that yapping had translated into fifty thousand subscribers. Who was Jason to complain?
Humanity was still doomed.
Another notification popped up, he clicked on it.
greysney: PLEASE REVIEW MORE FOOD
Another.
mothsafterdark: This is the only trustworthy news source in Gotham.
Another.
garysnary: can we get a pizza review?
Another.
idkimjustnamingppl: Batman definitely puts ranch on everything.
Jason snorted.
Okay, that one was a little funny.
His thumb hovered over the comment section.
Then he made a mistake.
A terrible, awful mistake.
He replied.
Jasontodd: he absolutely does
Within seconds the comment got hundreds of likes.
Jason stared. The internet really was terrifying.
Another comment appeared.
name: You should review Frankie's Diner.
Another.
givemenames: Frankie's has the best pancakes in Gotham.
Another.
ifyounoticethiscommentilovepigeonsandyourusernamewillbeacommentnexttime: No it doesn't. Frankie's is overrated.
Another.
ihopethisisworthit: YOU TAKE THAT BACK.
Jason watched the argument develop in real time. Like observing a few wild beats fighting over honey.
A smile slowly appeared on his face— Frankie's Diner. The people wanted Frankie's Diner. And, more importantly, If Bruce wanted him to delete the first review...
Jason could think of nothing funnier than posting a second one.
"Oh, that's evil." Jason spoke outloud, letting out a childish giggle.
Jason stood up, his ankle immediately reminded him it was sprained, so he sat back down.
"Okay. Ow.”
He stayed there for a moment before hoisting himself back up, standing slower this time.
A wider grin spread across his face.
"Let's go get pancakes."
When he got there, Frankie's Diner was packed. Which was stupid, because it was right in the morning.
Who the fuck was awake at eight in the morning willingly? Like, Jason was only awake because he was internet viral. He limped through the front door, immediately overwhelmed by the smell of coffee, syrup, and sweaty cooks.
The diner wasn't anything special. Cracked red booths, neon signs that buzzed louder than a train, a jukebox that looked like it’d been there before Alfred.
Jason had high hopes. A little bell above the door jingled once he walked in, half the diner looking up. Jason immediately regretted everything— the video, breathing, even coming here in the first place. A lanky teenager sitting near the window squinted, eyes widening.
"Oh my god."
Jason turned around. Nope. Nobody behind him to take the fall for this. Shit.
The kid pointed.
"You're the Batman guy."
Jason froze. The diner got quieter, younger people giggling.
"Oh, fuck off."
The kid gasped, "Dude, you called Batman a furry! How are you not dead?”
“It’s not even that funny, kid! I can do so much better than that!”
A second person looked up.
Then a third.
Jason considered jumping through the window— but his ankle reminded him that wasn't happening.
The teenager was already pulling out his phone. "Can I get a picture?"
"No."
"A video?"
"No."
"A quote?"
"No."
"Can you call Batman a furry again?"
“…told you that was dumb. No."
The kid still looked delighted.
A tired looking waitress appeared beside him like she'd been summoned by all the crowd.
"Ya’ gonna stand there all day?" Her accent was thick, and it was clear she didn’t give a fuck about him.
Jason looked over. Thank god, someone sensible.
The woman was probably somewhere in her forties. Tired eyes. Coffee mug in one hand. Name tag that read LINDA.
Jason immediately liked her.
“Sit me anywhere, away from everyone.” He exasperated.
Linda glanced around the diner.
"Yeah, that's fair."
She jerked her thumb toward a booth.
"Come on, celebrity."
Jason nearly threw himself into traffic.
"I'm not a celebrity."
"You got six hundred thousand views."
Jason stopped.
"...How do you know that?"
"My son wouldn't shut up about it.”
"Oh."
A moment of silence.
"Apparently Batman being a furry is hilarious."
"I don’t even think it was funny!”
Linda laughed.
Jason down on a seat facing the door, wincing at the flickering light above him. His ankle hurt. This place reeked. The teenager was still staring. Life was cruel. So, so cruel.
Linda slid a menu across the table.
"What'll it be?"
Jason opened it, not even taking a second to look before he spoke. "Pancakes."
"Original."
"YouTube said it was good!”
She rolled her eyes, scribbling his order down. She didn’t even ask for his drink! She paused for a moment, really looking at jinx The smile she'd been wearing faded slightly.
"You mentioned Kevin's?"
Jason blinked.The question hit him harder than expected. "What?"
"The Chinese place, the place that’s shuttin’ down.”
Jason stared.
"I know where that is! Yeah. I did. Grew up eating there.”
Linda nodded.
Something softened in her expression.
"Oh."
Jason immediately became suspicious, raising his eyebrows. Who the fuck did she think she was?
"Oh what?"
She tucked the pen behind her ear.
"Nothing."
"That's bullshit. What?”
Linda laughed, her wrinkles clear
"Kevin called me yesterday."
Jason froze. Okay, so that was clearly a lie. Couple points down for lying employees. "What?"
"We went to high school together."
"What?"
"He owns a restaurant, Jason. Not a secret underground bunker. People actually know him, y’know."
Jason frowned, rolling his eyes. "Oh, yeah. Sorry."
Linda leaned one arm against the booth. "He called me damn near cryin’.”
Jason's stomach dropped— had he done something wrong? Maybe him cussing in the video caused him to be mad and leave early. Or maybe-
"Said he thought the place was dead." Linda inturrupted him.
Oh, so not badz
"He was closing up in a couple months, y’know? Didn’t wanna, but Crime Alleys a hard place to operate business.”
"I know."
"He said business doubled yesterday."
Jason’s eyes widened.
"He showed me your video, of course I already seen it by then cause’ of my son, but watchin ain’t hurt anyone.”
Jason groaned.
"Oh god."
"Honestly?" Linda grinned, "I thought you were an idiot, it was pretty funny though, I’ll give you that.”
"It was like, way into the A.M’s. Don’t blame me.” Jason snorted out.
The waitress straightened, her lips curling into a smile again. "But Kevin was happy, and I love that guy.”
Kevin was happy. Fuck yeah, Kevin was happy! Maybe if they got enough business they could help other kids out, like they had for him. Hopefully they weren’t too busy.
Linda began to walk away, speaking behind her as she did. "Your pancakes'll be up soon. They pre cool ‘em.” She Then stopped. "Hey, kid,” Jason looked up at her. "Kevin wanted me to tell you thanks."
Jason opened his mouth, only for nothing to come out. Linda nodded once, then disappeared back into the kitchen. The man stared after her, then opened YouTube. His channel appeared instantly. Subscribers: 78,442
Jason stared, Refreshed.
78,516.
Refreshed.
78,603.
"What the fuck."
A new comment appeared.
ummpigeonsarecool: Kevin's is amazing.
Another.
catqueen62947: went there because of your video, it was SO peak!
He smiled a little, scrolling down.
mama4life444892: Brought my kids there today! They loved it ❤️
Another.
olddog2004: Hope they don't close! Saw on Facebook they were gonna.
Jason sighed, closing his phone and waited for his food to come.
The pancakes arrived, which was unfortunate, because Jason had high expectations for them and they looked… soggy, to say the least. Golden-ish. Slightly uneven. A little too thick in the middle like the chef got distracted halfway through batter philosophy. Yet, the blond haired woman set them down like she was presenting evidence in court.
“Don’t say anything until you try them.” She spoke sternly, narrowing her eyes into a playful glare at her.
Jason blinked, smiling. “That sounds like a threat.”
“It is.” She laughed back, walking away.
He cut into one, taking a bite. He chewed for a moment. He could feel the whole diner watching him now. Not even subtly. Like, geez, if you’re gonna be a creep atleast try not to look like one. Jason swallowed his first eyes, rolling his eyes. Oh my god, these were not worth the hype. “…They’re mid.”
A kid in the corner whispered, “Gimmie that twenty.” Hah. People had actually betted on this. He felt like he was on national tv.
“…Okay but the syrup is pretty good. Don’t hate me yet. It’s not that bad.” Jason leaned back in the booth, suddenly aware that this was now a performance whether he liked it or not. So fine. Time to make Bruce seethe. He pulled his phone out again, setting it up against the salt shaker and hitting record. “Alright,” he said, mouth still half full, “Frankie’s Diner pancakes. Mid. Not bad, not life-changing, just okay. I’d eat it again with like some asshole manager.” He gestured vaguely with the fork. “Elite like, vibe though! Maybe needs a little cleaning. ” he pointed at the kitchen, “there’s a lady back there, Linda, whose awesome. Carrying this place”
He took another bite, thel squinted at the camera. “Now I know what you’re thinking.” Jason thought about Dick, who was provaly itching to see this as soon as he could. “Now I know what you’re thinking— its an okay place, i should be nicer.” He contiued, ignoring a few people who inturjpted around thw diner. “Because I’m trying to stay honest. Unlike—” He paused, grinning. Slowly, he turned his head toward the window. Outside. A guy in a hoodie was taking a video through the glass, giving a thumbs up.
Jason sighed. He didnt want him to be there. Ruining his confidence, man.! “—unlike this fuckass guy i know named Batman. Let’s talk about him real quick.” He rolled his head to the camera. “God, I don’t even know how people- mm, good syrup by the way- think this guy is smart.” Jason stuffed another bite into his mouth, “Like, I heard him call a goat a small cow before. And a chicken a—“ He lowered his voice exaggeratingly, “even smaller cow.”
“Also I’m just saying—if I showed up in a leather suit calling myself ‘The Roach’ and started punching criminals, I’d be in Arkham in four minutes, tops! It’s no fair he doesn’t get punished for this shit.”
God, people would love this one even more.
Back at his apartment, things were arguably worse. There was a neon pink sticky note stuck to his door.
It read:
PLEASE REVIEW PIZZA - EVERYONE ON 5TH FLOOR
Jason stared at it, mouth agape slightly. “Do I need a private place now, too?” He peeled it off anyway and shoved it in his pocket to remind him later. Anything for the people.
Inside, his phone was already buzzing, causing another sigh to escape. He didn’t even sit down before opening TikTok, which was a bad idea.
First video:
A sloppy edit of a few of his videos.
Caption:
“he speaks the truth that Gotham has needed. ”
Second video started normal, some mascot for a team. He then scrolled to the comments, but everyone was referencing one of his newer videos.
Jason blinked slowly, rolling his eyes and clicking not interested. He should make a different account to scroll on. Ban the word Jason Todd. And Batman.
Cut to Gotham, everywhere.
A random café chalkboard now reads:
“BATMAN GUY APPROVED PANCAKES”
A guy in line says:
“I don’t even eat here unless he rates it.”
A lady in a debate argues:
“He’s basically Gotham’s only honest food critic.”
Jason, watching all this on his phone:
“I said mid ONCE by the way. ONE TIME.”
Group chat explodes again.
Dick: “You are officially a cultural icon btw 👍”
Steph: “OUR KING OF TRUTH AND BREAKFAST”
Tim: “engagement hit 1.2M. this is actually insane i want in on some of the action”
Damian: “You are an embarrassment and yet the populace follows you like cattle. I do not get this. ”
Bruce: “This needs to stop.”
Jason stares at it, rolling his eyes. He really needed new hobbies.
He opens his fridge.
Empty.
Closes it.
Opens Uber Eats again.
Closes it.
He checks his phone;
iloveutalia: PLEASE REVIEW A PIZZA PLACE NEXT
Jason exhales, “The life of fame is not for me.” He taps order on the website still, because this was his life (atleast while his ankle was sprained. he wanted to get back to fucking up joker goons)
And somewhere in Gotham, Bruce was seething with rage.
That’s all that Jason cared about.
Hah.
Fuck Bruce.