Archive of Our Own

Today is the day. 

Levi picked out the flowers he knows you love, you know, the ones with an abundance of mini purple petals that circulate the stem. Lilacs. You have that gorgeous tattoo on the back of your arm, in remembrance of your grandma, who passed away, and always had lilac bushes planted at the front of her yard. 

You always kept some on display when you could, but they tend to wither quickly, approximately a couple of days. But you do keep them there, just to remember. 

Levi stops by back home, running some cold water on his face, trying to get himself to actually go through with his plans. 

To tell you that he loves you, and he has for a very long time. 

You and Levi have been friends for years now, growing up in the same ratty neighborhood. He remembers the first time you guys had crossed paths, you were a feisty little kid, equipped to be on the defensive because growing up on the less fortunate side of town had made everyone like that. 

You were running around in the creek on the outskirts of town, but not too far from your neighborhood. You were skipping rocks on the water, seeing how many jumps you could get each rock to make. Levi sat back from afar, just watching you, wondering why you would even be out here alone, thinking you were some stupid girl for leaving yourself out in such a vulnerable state. 

You skipped another rock, “Ugh, come on!” You say as the just plops in the water. 

“Maybe try throwing it like a frisbee,” Levi states plainly. 

You jump at the voice, immediately attaching your hand to your hip, holding onto the knife that you swore was hidden from everyone but you. 

“What do you want?” You said with an aggravation in your tone. 

Levi shrugged, “Nothing, just watching a stupid brat throw some rocks.” 

You pout and cross your arms, “Stupid brat? I am not!”

Levi rolls his eyes and begins to step closer to you. Immediately, you reach your side again, clutching onto the knife you swore could protect you from any and every thing. 

“Get away from me,” You say with a scowl. 

“For someone so alert now, you know I was standing there watching you for like twenty minutes. And somehow you didn’t see me, that’s why you’re a stupid brat,” Levi says, annoyed. 

Your cheeks tinge a shade of pink, embarrassed that you didn’t recognize him sooner. “So what are you, a stalker or something? Because I won’t hesitate to use this knife if I have to!” 

Levi picks up a rock, it’s flat and slate grey. He inspects it slowly while you just stare at him warily, and he throws it across the easy flow of water, making the rock skip too many times to count. 

“No, just wanted you to know I think you’re stupid for being out here alone.” 

You huff, “Whatever,” and you look away and pause. “How did you get that rock to do that so easily?” 

You were so naive and annoying then, but eventually you did welcome Levi’s presence. At first, he could have sworn the two of you hated each other. In constant competition with each other. Even though you were sworn enemies, you still spent an egregious amount of time with one another. From seeing who could make it to the small convenience store the fastest on a bike to who could jump off the highest cliff into water without getting scared (Levi won both). He was rarely easy on you, but he knew he couldn’t win every time. 

As you began to get older, though, there was less competition, and social circles became awkward. People began accusing you and Levi of dating, but he never saw anything wrong with that because he never really cared about what people thought of him. However, you, on the other hand, you were embarrassed. Levi always wondered why you were embarrassed, because if there was anyone that he’d rather have dating allegations with, it would be you. 

It would hurt his feelings slightly, but he never told you that. What was it about him that made you push him away so much? They were just some stupid rumors. 

During the years of high school, you barely even talked to him. The two of you had very different friend groups. Levi had Hange and Erwin, and that was it. You had quite a crowd of people around you, but Levi could tell it was all superficial. You still smiled at him in the hallways, the smile that could light up the world and make Levi fall to his knees. 

That’s when he knew he was in trouble, when he could feel his heartbeat in his throat every time the two of you had the littlest interaction. 

But, alas, you and he rarely talked during those years. You were caught up in extracurriculars and ended up dating around. He definitely did not want to get in the way of that, so he kept his distance from you. 

When the two of you graduated from high school, you ran up to Levi. It was the first time you had interacted this intimately since the beginning of high school. You had the biggest smile on your face, and you pulled him in for a hug and squeezed him until he swore he was about to pop. He stood still in shock until he finally reciprocated your body language and began to wrap his arms around you as well. 

You were teary-eyed and just stared Levi in the face; it was like he was seeing the smaller version of you again, and Levi actually smiled. 

“Can you believe we did it!” You said ecstatically, practically vibrating in your spot. 

“Yeah,” Levi says breathily, taking in your beauty. He didn’t even notice your boyfriend at the time, just stood awkwardly behind you, waiting for you to sing your cheers with him as well. 

Shock crosses your features as you realize what you had just done, “Sorry, I just wanted to say congrats.” You look over towards your boyfriend, who now looks irritated, “You know I get a little overboard sometimes, but I should probably get going.”

With that, you disappear, trying to settle the conversation with your boyfriend, probably explaining why you were so eager to put your arms around another man. He watches you, feeling tingly from the places you wrapped around him, just wishing it didn’t go as fast as it came. 

Later that night, you texted Levi to apologize for the abrupt celebration and to tell him you missed him. 

After that, he didn’t hear much from you while you were away at college until one night your name started flashing across his screen. You were crying, obviously drunk and alone. Your speech was slurred, and your voice was hoarse. You told Levi that you were stuck at a party you didn’t want to be at, and your boyfriend had left you stranded. 

Levi went to pick you up immediately because he had recently moved to the city for a good job offer. He wondered if you knew that, and that’s why you had reached out. He found you that night, your eyes puffy and red, with tear stains breaking the togetherness of your foundation. You had mascara all over your cheeks. 

You didn’t talk about what happened, but Levi walked you inside your apartment. It’s just you, to his surprise, you live alone—no boyfriend, no roommates, no one. For someone who had such a big social circle, you do this alone, and Levi can feel it within the apartment. How lonely you must be. 

Your backpack sits open on a desk scattered with papers, with an open wine bottle and an empty wine glass. It’s quite the mess in here, but Levi doesn’t say anything; he just leads you back to your bedroom, while you’re gripping onto his shoulder for dear life because you’re barely coherent. 

You pass out on your bed, not a word said all night besides, “Thanks, Levi.” 

It’s another few months after that until you reach out to Levi again, asking if you want to get lunch. The day after dropping you off at your apartment, Levi had texted you a few times to ask if you were okay, but you left him on read. At least he knows you’re alive. 

So when you ask if he wants to drop by the cafe that’s only ten minutes away from his apartment, he’s shocked. He immediately agrees, dropping everything to come and see you as soon as you’re available. The lunch goes amazingly, and the two of you catch up on life as much as you can. You’re in school to become a nurse, Levi always thought you were so thoughtful and good at taking care of people. It makes sense for you. 

Towards the end of the lunch, you apologize for not responding to his texts, saying your boyfriend freaked out when he saw you had called another guy to come get you. Ironic because he just left you there after getting into a terrible fight about finding his text messages flirting with another gal.

Levi remembers thinking he would never have done that to you, but doesn’t dwell on the thought for long. You’re just lifelong friends. 

After that lunch, you settle back into a routine, but this time around, you’re no longer little kids trying to beat each other in a game of tag. You and Levi become attached at the hip once again, and it’s easy. Lunch dates in between your classes, late nights at the park, while the summer breeze cools off the atmosphere just right, and hours-long phone calls bitching about how your clinicals went. 

After you graduated, you and Levi took a trip to the beach, a place you always talked about going. Both of you were too poor and young to go, but there you were in the sand, feet shoved into the ground and the world at your fingertips. The salty wind blew through your hair, and you just sat and listened to the waves crashing onto the shoreline. You were thoughtful, but you were in bliss. 

Levi watched from afar, but as soon as you turned around, Levi could have sworn your smile was brighter than the sun that was beaming down. 

“Can you believe it? It’s so beautiful out here!” You exclaimed, took Levi’s hand in yours, and squeezed. “Thank you for coming, you’re my best friend.” 

Levi’s lips quirked and ruffled your hair, “Your graduation gift, brat. You did this.” 

About a year later, your grandma died. You were shambles, but Levi was there almost every single night he could be there. Bringing you light meals and ensuring you were at least going to work enough to not get fired. He might as well have been your roommate at that point. There were a couple of nights that you slept in his arms, and god in him took everything in him to not just ask you to be his. 

He wanted to protect you front he cruel of the world.  

Eventually, the light and warmth started to radiate around you again. It was never quite the same, but Levi was relieved that you could do more than sleep, eat, and work. It’s been about another year since then, and that vase has been filled with lilacs, dead or alive, in honor of your grandma. 

Today, Levi feels it is the right time to tell you. 

He is in love with you. 

-

Today is the day. 

You’ve got everything in order. 

The dead lilacs in the vase. 

The note. 

The pills.

The knife you’ve always kept at your side in case of emergencies. 

You’re really free, finally free. 

The deep punctures on your arm, the swallowed pills, and the buzzing of the kitchen appliances. 

The spots of white and black you see are static, which blinds the bleeding dark red. 

Static clouding your vision that suddenly turns into a bright light. 

The dreams of lilac fields, dancing with the man who has raven black hair. 

And such beautiful grey eyes. 

The same shade of grey as the first rock that he threw. 

You both stumble backward into the comfort of the land, nothing but purple and grey. 

Hand in hand, lips colliding.

There are no wilted petals here. 

No loneliness, anger, or sadness. 

Just you and the life you always saw through cloudy vision and tear-stained pillows. 

You’ve finally succeeded. 

Today, you’ve finally found bliss in your purple and grey. 

-

The first cop car with obnoxious lights and ear-throbbing sirens passes Levi on his walk to your apartment. He doesn’t think anything of it, just preparing the speech he had for you in mind. Maybe not a speech, perhaps, but he has a dialogue that he’s sought out in his mind—going over the endless outcomes of the moment he confesses his love for you. 

When the second cop car passes by, still heading in your direction, Levi is annoyed by the interruption. He can’t focus when something is so obnoxiously loud, and his stomach is beginning to turn. Did he get the best-looking flowers? What if you don’t like them? Why wouldn’t you like them? They’re your favorite flowers, and Levi has gotten them for you plenty of times before. 

A third cop car. Damn, what is happening today?

He picks through the flowers again, making sure that none of the flowers have any dead petals; he wants to make sure they’re pristine. 

An ambulance passes by him, and it’s close by him that he can feel the breeze through his light jacket. His stomach may be turning from nervousness, but something feels off. He felt it the second the ambulance sped by him, and anxiety spiked through his body. 

Something is wrong. 

Levi picks up the pace instead of anxiously picking through the flowers. He needs to see you and make sure that you’re okay. At first, he’s just walking past quickly, the streets becoming more of a blur than before. Then, he’s pretty much jogging to get to you. He’s at your street, he just needs to turn the corner. 

Then he sees the flashing lights. 

He stops for just a second, in shock. This isn’t for you, right? There are so many people living in your building; it could be for anyone. You’re fine. He talked to you last night, and you said you weren’t up to much today. 

Levi’s feet are on the move before he can even process that he’s full-on running towards your apartment. The world is dizzying, and he barely registers he’s about to run into a kid until the kid trips out of the way. He can’t stop, sorry. 

Out of breath, he’s about to walk up into the building. 

He just needs to get inside, to make sure you’re okay, to see you, to tell you that he loves you. 

“Sir, whoa-” The officer stops him. “Do you live here?”

“My friend is inside,” He’s not even looking at the officer, he’s just looking at your window, hoping to see you looking out at the chaos with a confused expression. 

You’re not there, fuck where are you?

“What unit?” The officer asks, looking up to where Levi is staring.

“143. Please, I’m just confused. I want to see her.”

The officer stiffens, but doesn’t let his facade slip, “Let me talk to the other officers-”

“No! I want to see her now!” 

He sighs and mumbles something into his radio. Levi has his arms crossed; he doesn’t want to have to take any action against these officers, but anything is worth it to see you. 

“Sir, I understand you’re upset, but there is a crime scene in this building. I cannot let you inside.” 

Levi doesn’t care because as soon as he hears that, he's past the officer in an instant. The elevators are blocked off by security guards, but so are the stairs. He thinks the stairs are the easier option, and the security guard goes to tackle Levi, but Levi moves just in time, so the guard cannot grab him. 

He’s racing up the stairs as fast as he can, ignoring the stomping that follows not far behind him. It's the one perk of being so small; he’s usually faster than anyone else. He opens the door, and there’s no commotion. The hall is silent, and there’s a beat of relief, until the door opens behind him and the guard reaches out for him once again. 

There’s nothing, and Levi is running to your door as fast as he can. You’re okay; nothing is happening on this floor. 

He turns the corner of your apartment, and he’s winded. Your door is within distance of his eyesight. Why is there yellow tape on your door? He pauses in his tracks, just staring at the door. He doesn’t even realize that the guard catches up to him and has a hold of his wrist. 

“Come on, kid, there’s nothing for you to see here.”

His grip is harsh around Levi’s wrist, but Levi doesn’t budge. 

“Damn it, let go of my wrist!” Levi tugs back his arm from the guard. 

“Don’t make me pull out my taser.”

There’s sound from behind the door, voices. Voices that Levi doesn’t recognize. He doesn’t care that the guard just threatened him; he walks closer to your door. The guard follows right behind him and makes the connection that Levi is looking for you. 

“Come on, kid. I really don’t want to force you back downstairs.” The guard doesn’t sound so angry anymore; he just sounds tired and sad. 

All Levi can do is stare at the door, unable to process that all he can see is the yellow tape covering it in a big X. His breath is heavy, and his body is still. Who are all these people, and why are they here?

He has to go in. He needs to see you. Alive and well, and the smile that lights up any room. You have to be there, right? 

Right, because once he opens this door, they’ve got the wrong apartment. It was a misunderstanding. 

Levi reaches for the doorknob, but the guard grabs his hand, pulling him away. 

Levi scowls at the man, but it’s too late, because the next thing you know, the door springs open. 

“Yeah, let’s see who we can contact about this.” An officer steps out of the living room and talks to another person in the room.

The officer stops, looking between Levi and the guard, who firmly pulls Levi in and holds him by the wrists behind his back. Levi looks back at the guard and scowls. 

“Contact about what? Why are you in my friend's apartment?”

The officer looks between the guard and Levi with a worried expression, as if she were a deer in headlights. She sighs and tells the person inside that she will be right back in. She closes the door lightly and looks Levi in the eyes with remorse. Like she’s about to tell him that she is about to suck any ounce of happiness he’s ever felt in his life away and leave him dry and brittle. Because that’s exactly what she’s about to do. 

He begins to struggle against the guard, but it’s no use; he has the upper hand against him. 

He looks down at the ground and forces through gritted teeth, “What is it?”

The officer says your name, making Levi snap his head up and glare at the officer, “Is that the friend you’re looking for?”

Levi shakes his head quickly. There are only a few seconds of silence before she says her next words. But it feels like time is moving more slowly than normal, like it takes an eternity to continue the conversation. He knows what he’s about to hear is inevitable, but it doesn’t feel real. Because it’s not, it can’t be. 

“She’s dead.” 

“No.” He says, denying her words, “You guys have the wrong person.”

The officer bites her lip and gestures for the guard to let go. The release of his hands is relieving, but it doesn’t matter because Levi feels like he’s entrapped in the silence. 

“She worked at the hospital right down the road from here? We found her badge inside.” 

Of course, the badge was for the hospital where you helped people! Where you would do anything to save the life of a person, no matter their struggle. Where you stayed by their side to ensure they lived as long and as well as they could. And now Levi is supposed to believe that your life got taken from you?

“Are you sure?” Levi asks.

He knows the truth, but he has to ask. 

“I’m afraid so.”

It’s silent, and it’s like he’s been punched in the gut. The hallway feels like it’s tilted sideways, and the ground beneath him is unstable. He can’t stand to stand here, and the audacity to stay alive when you’re not. 

“What happened?” He sounds afraid to ask; he’s not sure he wants to ask. 

The officer maintains an emotionless facade, “I can’t say for sure quite yet, but it’s seeming to be ruled a suicide.” 

A suicide. 

You killed yourself?

Levi’s heart feels like it’s about to explode, and his limbs are weak and shaky. You killed yourself. No, you couldn’t have? No. 

It’s impossible to fathom. 

You would have never… Levi thinks. 

Then Levi thinks back to the day of the empty wine glass and your disgustingly lonely apartment. But that was before, before you two became close again. You went to the beach damnit! Just like how you always wanted! 

He was here this whole time, and you killed yourself! 

Levi’s knees are weak, and he’s struggling to breathe. It’s just silence. People are talking, but it’s just him in his head. There’s not one voice processing through; he can’t even see clearly. Are those tears? He doesn’t know, because he’s lost all sense. There are no grounding techniques for this, or whatever the fuck that therapist told him that one time. 

His face is wet, and the woman is staring at him directly, but he can’t understand what the fuck she is saying. He feels drunk, but like the kind where you just want to stare out the window and listen to the most soul-crushing music. God, he remembers you doing that. More empty wine glasses scattered around the apartment, but he was actually there to keep you company. 

“Sir, are you okay? Can you hear me?” It snaps Levi out of his train of thought. 

Levi finally looks at the officer but doesn’t say anything. 

“Can I ask your name?”

Levi doesn’t say anything for a while, but it’s too quiet.

“Levi.”

“Last name?”

“Ackerman.”

“Perhaps we should escort you downstairs. I know this is a lot to process. You don’t look like you’re feeling well, sir. We do have to bring her body out of the apartment soon.”

Your body, it can’t be real.

Levi grits his teeth, “Let me say goodbye.” 

The officer sighs and steps inside your apartment. Levi can see a small glimpse of the living room. 

The coffee table where the dead and dried lilacs sit. It makes Levi’s heart ache like it never has before, like someone has taken his most vital muscle and squeezed it in their hands as hard as they can. Piercing each finger into each layer of meat that keeps the blood pumping through his body. 

“We don’t normally do this without a proper full investigation first, but come on in.”

It’s cold in your apartment, and it’s so incredibly quiet that Levi can only hear his footsteps and the buzzing of the kitchen appliances. Everything looks the same in the living room, like it’s a normal day, and he’s walking into your apartment to come and see you for the day. 

But when he steps into the kitchen, he says you're lying down, covered by a blanket entirely. There's a large puddle of dried blood by where you lie, and it makes Levi hold onto nothing but the air. His fists are squeezed so tight that he could be digging into his own skin and not even realize it. 

It’s you and him, and the officers who stand far from you in the back. He gulps, just staring at the plain white sheet that outlines your body. He doesn’t want to believe this is you, and he doesn’t think he will until he sees you. 

“Can I please see her face?”

The other man in the apartment shrugs at the officers and kneels down next to Levi. 

“Are you sure?” He asks.

Levi nods, and the man slowly peels away the white sheet. Levi feels like he’s been shocked by the way that his body freezes up and how he can’t even fathom what he’s seeing. 

Even when you’re lifeless, eyes closed, and no emotion set upon your face, you’re so beautiful. So fucking beautiful. Something feels like it’s pulling at his throat; the bottle that normally keeps all of his emotions at bay is starting to crack. 

The pressure builds up by the second. Levi’s shaky fingers skim across your forehead when he moves your hair to the side. He pushes the hair behind your ear and cups your face. The cap of the bottle is nearly protruding at this point, upon the break of no return. 

He slides a careful thumb across your cheek and starts to lean in. He places the most gentle kiss on your forehead. When he pulls back, he wants you to wake up to his touch, thinking maybe that if he kisses your lips, you will come back to life. Whatever the fuck happens in those stupid fairytales. 

But you don’t even twitch.

Because this isn’t a fairytale, no matter how bad Levi wants it to be. You’re gone. 

That realization does it, and Levi leans back onto his feet. The bottle finally shatters, and the glass goes everywhere. Levi lets out the most gut-wrenching sob; it's guttural and raspy. 

“Fuck,” He spews out, with tears rapidly falling down his face. 

He can’t look at you anymore; there’s no light in your face like how there always was. There’s no light in this room. It’s suffocating—the darkness that surrounds him, and he can’t stand it. He has to leave. 

He gets up quickly, as if you’re going to infect him if he stares much longer. He barely gives the officers a second glance before he pulls himself together to leave your apartment. 

All he pays mind to are those stupid fucking dead flowers, the ones he can’t seem to look away from. He gave the security guard and officers who gave him a hard time a quick and mumbled apology before setting out on the same sidewalk he had run down moments earlier. 

The bouquet of flowers he had gotten earlier seemed to be forgotten about, as they had been dropped long ago. He has no idea when that happened or where they are now, but he doesn’t care because, like every bouquet, they were going to die anyway!

And he was stupid for thinking that this time would be any different. 

-

Levi spends the night in silence; he can do absolutely nothing but sit on his couch and sob. Sob until he loses his voice, and he has a migraine. Even then, he doesn’t stop crying; the tears seem to never end. He didn’t know that he could even produce this many tears. 

No matter how many times he checks his phone, waiting for your call or text, it doesn’t come. No matter how many times he lets the phone ring and gets sent to voicemail, you still don’t pick up. 

“Hi, I can’t make it to the phone right now. Please leave a voicemail, and I will get back to you as soon as I can. Thank you!” 

Your voice is sweet and soft. Levi could listen to it all day, every day. That’s what he wanted, to come home and get lost in your eyes while you ramble on about how work went or how much you want to get a cat but get scared you couldn’t take care of it right. 

Levi calls you multiple times that night, each time hoping you will get back to him as soon as you can. Just as you promised in the message. 

But that phone call never comes. 

-

Levi doesn’t sleep well at all at night, because all he can see is your lifeless face when he closes his eyes. He lies, tears spilling out from his eyes, staring at the white ceiling in the dark of the night. 

After a few hours of sleep, he is awakened by his phone ringing. Immediately, he’s awake, body completely disregarding the fact that it barely recharged. Maybe it’s you. The pit that forms in Levi’s stomach is unfathomable when he looks at the screen and realizes it’s not you calling. 

It never will be, he knows that, but he can’t help but hope something will change, and this is just a dream. Just is mind playing tricks on him. 

“It’s early, Erwin,” His voice barely audible. 

“Just seeing how your day went, with the lovely lady?” He says lively, right, Erwin always calls this morning to catch up with Levi. It’s routine. 

There’s a silence. 

“Levi?” Erwin asks. 

More silence.

“Did it not go well?” Erwin asks with more worry in his tone. 

If Levi says it, then it’s true. 

“I have to go.” 

Levi promptly hangs up the phone and calls you. 

“Hi, I can’t-” Levi hangs up and throws the phone. He falls back into the pillow and begins to sob again. 

He ignores the phone calls that begin to come in on his phone. He doesn’t care to interact with Erwin or Hange right now. 

-

Levi wakes up the next morning and tries to call you again. 

Your phone goes straight to voicemail instead of ringing through first. Your phone died. 

Levi clutches his phone and shakily types his message. 

Charge your phone, I want to talk to you. 

He places his head down, and he weeps.

-

About a week after your death, Erwin and Hange show up at Levi’s door. 

“Levi?” Hange says gently, opening the door and scanning across the place. 

It’s messy. Usually, when Levi is really stressed, he cleans more. But Levi is lying in bed with clothes scattered across the floor. His hair is greasy, and the dark circles under his eyes are the darkest his friends have ever seen. Levi doesn’t even turn over when his friends enter his bedroom; he’s stuck staring at a wall. 

Hange and Erwin look at each other with worry, “Hey, sweetie.” They say gently. 

Levi shows no movement. 

Erwin stands above him within his view. Well, Levi is breathing, that’s good. Erwin’s shoulders relax, and he looks at Hange with a nod. They also visibly relax. 

“Levi,” Erwin crouches down to Levi’s vision, “We’re worried about you.”

Levi makes eye contact with Erwin; Levi’s emotionless facade is nowhere to be found. His face is lifeless. Erwin can see how the pain and agony have overtaken his being. From the way he’s curled up to almost protect himself, to how he can barely register Erwin standing right in front of him. 

“Have you eaten at all?”

Levi doesn’t acknowledge the question and just stares at Erwin. 

Erwin picks up the water bottle that sits atop Levi’s bedside table, “Well, at least you’ve had water. I’m assuming you’ve eaten enough to keep you alive this long.”

Hange frowns at Levi, and for once, they’re not in his face being utterly annoying. They stand back, waiting for a signal from Erwin to do whatever he wants them to. 

“Listen, I know she was really important to you,” Erwin says. Levi's eyes suddenly seem more awake at the mention of you. “Tomorrow is her funeral, and I would imagine you want to attend. Let us help you get prepared.”

There’s no judgment from Erwin or Hange; they help Levi get enough strength to get out of bed and take a shower. While he does that, they clean his apartment, washing his sheets and the few dishes that were barely used. They take out his trash, do some laundry, and sweep his floor, but otherwise, not much needs to be done because Levi’s version of messy is nowhere near the actual definition. 

Levi doesn’t want to admit it, because he feels he can’t enjoy anything without it, but the heat that pierces his skin feels nice. He feels more awake than he has all week, and the chicken noodle that his friends made for him makes him feel less sickly. Even if he has no appetite, he knows he has to eat. 

But what’s the point?

He has to make it to your funeral tomorrow; he doesn’t know if he can stomach seeing you for the second time. Lifeless, like the image he hasn’t been able to get out of his head, since the day he saw it. 

“Levi, you doing okay in there?” Hange calls from outside the door. 

“Fuck off.” 

Levi doesn’t see it, but Hange smiles from the door and looks at Erwin. At least he talked to them. 

-

There are so many people at your funeral, so many people he didn’t even know you knew this many. Levi scans the crowd hesitantly, trying to stay low so no one comes up to him. He doesn’t want to be here, and he doesn’t want to talk to anyone about your death. He doesn’t need the reminder that no matter how many times he calls and texts, they will never get answered. 
He doesn’t view you in the casket like the way the others do; they go up and look at your body and cry. He can barely look in the direction; the same dizziness that he felt that day overcomes him. 

Erwin and Hange find him and ask if he wants to go up there, but he just shakes his head. 

Your service goes by relatively quickly; it’s somber and quiet. Your lack of family is apparent; not many people that he can recognize from that small, shitty town the two of you grew up in. He stays in the back, looking at the blown-up portrait that showcases your beautiful smile. 

Even in such a dark room like this, it still shines; he can see it. 

People begin to leave for the burial, but Levi stays back; it’s hard for him to move from his spot. 

“Are you coming?” Hange asks.

“Be out in a sec,” He says. 

It’s just your casket and your mom. 

Levi finally stands up, but your mom hears the shuffling and eventually recognizes Levi. Her eyes go wide and soften, and she practically runs over to Levi. 

“Levi, I thought you didn’t make it. It’s been so long,” She cries into him. 

He just tightens his grip, “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“She really cared about you, you know.” She says, “I thought you were going to get married.”

A lump forms in Levi's throat; he knows this feeling. Your mom looks at him with sympathy. 

“Sorry, maybe the wrong time to bring it up.” She pauses and says quietly, “They said you were there the day she passed, with a bouquet of lilacs.”

Levi nods; he’s not sure what to say. 

“Thank you,” She says.

Levi furrows his brows, “For what?”

“Being there for her. Always. Even if it feels like you weren’t, because of this.” 

Levi is at a loss for words; all he can do is stare at your mom. He pulls her in and begins to sob again. Never would he have thought he would be here with your mom, sobbing into her shoulder.

“Ready to say goodbye?” She asks. 

Levi nods, and the two walk over towards your casket. 

“Just come on out when you’re done, and I’ll leave the two of you alone. Then we’ll get onto the burial.”

Your mom takes a few steps forward with a smile. 

“Wait.”

“Yes, dear.” She looks at Levi; she’s lost in her own way. 

“Thank you, and I’m sorry for your loss.”

She just nods at him politely and brings her quivering lips into a grin. 

Here Levi is over your body once again, lifeless. Similar to the same body that he saw. Except there are no dead flowers and dried blood spilled on the floor. You’re in your favorite dress, and your makeup and hair are done as you always liked them. 

There are so many flowers placed around the venue, they’re vibrant and saying their farewells. It’s beautiful in a way, and so are you. You’re so fucking beautiful. Levi takes your hand in his, and he doesn’t expect you to stir. A few tears fall down his face and drop into the casket. 

“I hope you know, the day I went to your place, I was going to tell you something so important. But you had to go and fuck it up by killing yourself,” Levi laughs through tears, “I was going to get rid of the dead flowers and replace them with an abundance of fresh new ones.”

More tears fall into your casket, but Levi doesn’t care. 

He sighs, trying to catch his breath, “I love you so fucking much. I always have been, and I always will be, in love with you. From the stupid fucking way you seemed to pretend you were on top of the world and knew it all, to your most vulnerable moments, like the way you sobbed in my arms after your grandma passed. I used to pretend those nights that you were mine.”

He stops for a second, looking at you thoughtfully. 

“I wondered if you thought the same for me as well. Now, I can never hold you in my arms again. I’m almost mad at you for it. I certainly was mad at you when you wouldn’t answer my texts or calls. And then your phone died, and I got even more upset with you.”

He bites his lips, squeezing your hand. 

“Anyways, it doesn’t matter. I’m rambling, and we have to bury you soon. You look stunning today, you always look stunning. I love you so fucking much, and I can’t wait to be in your arms once again.”

Levi bends down and places a kiss on your cheek. His tear falls on your cheek, a streak breaking through your foundation. 

“Goodbye,” He says with a squeeze of the hand. 

Levi walks away with the same throbbing pain he felt the day he left your apartment. An emptiness, a void he would never get back. 

-

Surprisingly, despite ghosting his workplace, Levi did not lose his job. They were quite understanding of his situation. He mostly just works from home now, because most days he can’t bear to even leave his apartment. 

It’s within his routine now: hop on the computer for work, log off, clean, pretend to watch a movie or just stare out a window, eat dinner, and go to bed. 

No matter how bright the sun shines outside or how colorful the inside of the apartment is, it might as well all be grey. It’s been incredibly dull without you. Hange and Erwin will come and check on him every Friday, bringing take-out and talking amongst themselves while he chips in every once in a while. If he was quiet before, he might as well be mute now. 

He can’t seem to find happiness in anything; you were his only source. 

One day, a month after your funeral, Levi checks his mailbox. There’s an envelope from the police department. Levi opens the paper swiftly, reading the preprinted letter stating that another smaller envelope inside contains something you left for Levi. 

It’s a letter scribbled with Levi's name on it in your handwriting. 

It makes Levi lose his appetite immediately. He clutches the note in his hand, just looking at the way you scribbled down his name. He can’t open it now. He refuses. 

-

The letter sits on his bedside table. He looks at it every night before he goes to bed. It’s been two months now, but he can't get himself to read it. 

The world is still too dull without you. He doesn’t know what you have to say because you’re gone and he’s angry at you. Angry that you took your life instead of just talking to him first. Angry that you felt that was the only option that you had. 

Or maybe he’s angry at himself that he didn’t stop it. That he wasn’t good enough to stop the pain you felt. 

Or maybe he’s angry at the world for treating you this way. Why do you have to be giving such a troublesome life, and the only way out was to just run away from it? 

Should he have checked on you more? Forced himself into your life more? Why didn’t he see the signs? Was he not a good friend? 

Why should it have been you and not him? Should he even still be alive?

Fuck you and fuck him too. 

-

Hange and Erwin insist that Levi get therapy. They say he’s been trapped in his apartment for half a year now, and he gets no sunlight. But the windows stay open, and the light comes in that way. That should be enough, right? 

They’re too in his business. He wishes they would just leave him alone. 

-

A few weeks later, Levi walks into the office of his therapist, and it’s not exactly how he envisioned it. There’s no clinical bed, and the therapist has reign over the room. It’s actually quite cozy; there are multiple different places that Levi can sit. 

“It’s so nice to meet you, Levi,” The blond man says, “My name is Armin, and I am your therapist.” 

Levi just stares at the man; he looks awfully young. Will he be a good therapist?

“Is Levi good? I can also refer to you as something else if you prefer?” He says. 

He’s hesitant, but he’s willing, “Levi is fine.”

“Great, thank you for telling me,” He says with a smile.

Levi stares at him dumbly and crosses his arms to protect himself. 

“So, you’re coming in for grief counseling?” Armin asks.

Levi darts his eyes across the room before nodding.

Armin doesn’t get much out of Levi in the first session. He can’t even get your name out of Levi, but he isn’t pushy or rude. He’s patient and willing, and never overly optimistic like he thought a therapist would be. He makes room for heaviness and silence. 

It takes Levi a few sessions to actually admit aloud that he is there for grief counseling. He makes sure to let Armin know that he is not an open box, where he feels like someone can just play in his brain and try to grasp what goes on inside him. 

It takes even longer for Armin to get Levi to even speak of your name. Levi notices Armin doesn’t push him, though, and he appreciates the way he can allow Levi time to think through his words and thoughts. There’s no rush to get anything done, no rush to fix Levi; it’s just compassion and understanding from Armin's end. 

Levi is not just a collection of parts waiting to be fixed; he’s a complex individual who deserves care and understanding. Armin isn’t rushing to replace what seems broken; instead, he’s patiently examining each part of Levi, trying to understand its purpose and how it all works together. 

Finally, after another six months of working with Armin, Levi can barely stand to look at the note on his bedside table anymore. 

When Armin sees the envelope in Levi’s hand, he simply observes and does not speak about it. 

“Are you not going to ask about the note?” Levi asks. 

“Well, I figured you would bring it up when you’re ready.”

Levi just glares at Armin; maybe he was waiting for Armin to ask about it. 

“Ah, does it have some sort of significance to you?”Armin asks, ignoring Levi’s glares. 

“It’s this stupid fucking note that she left.” 

Armin hums, thinking about his response, “What do you want to do with it?”

What does he want to do with it? Well, he doesn’t really know. 

“I mean, read it, I guess. That’s what you do with notes.” 

“Right, I can see why you’d think that, Levi.” Armin begins, “But you can do whatever you want with this note. You don’t have to read it; you can throw it away, burn it, tear it into shreds. I mean, whatever is imaginable. It seems right now, you feel angry about the note, am I correct?”

Levi nods. Armin has read him like a book again. 

“Why’s that?”

Levi’s not sure, or maybe he is.

“It’s just been sitting at my bedside for months now, and it just sits there doing nothing.”

“Okay, why don’t we start by putting it out of sight? And we can come back to it when you feel ready?”

Levi glares at the small white paper.

“Okay.”

-

Everything reminds Levi of you, from the shade of purple to the way the lady at the grocery store twirled her hair while looking for a specific item. He sees you in all aspects of his life; he can’t escape the pain. It’s been nearly a year now, and he still feels the emptiness in his apartment. 

He’s been able to actually take a walk every once in awhile and he passes the graveyard, and he thinks of stopping by, but he can’t get himself to do it. Maybe one day, he will place flowers by your grave. He just can’t face it. 

-

On a random whim, Levi books a flight to the beach that the two of you visited. He places his feet in the same sand where you sat, smiling brighter than the sky itself. He expects to be upset and to sob another night. 

He feels the emptiness in the air, but it’s not the same. His heart, for once, feels a little warmer. He sits down, despite bitching the first time he came here with you, because he knows sand gets everywhere. 

It’s like he can feel your presence, and you are watching over him. He pulls out the photo he keeps of you in his wallet. 

He can’t help but laugh, “What have you got me doing?”

And he swears he can almost hear you in the back, just like you had the first time you had gone to the beach with him, “Come on, Levi! Life is too short to be scared of a little sand. The world is beautiful!”

The two of you sat by the ocean until the moon reflected over the water, while the hues of orange disappeared with your head resting on his shoulder. 

He’s stuck in the same position again, this time without you, letter in his back pocket. He shakily takes out the letter, but he knows it's time. 

The moon is the only source of light, but it’s well enough for Levi to see the words. He breathes out slowly, just like Armin had taught him when he became upset like this. When he would begin to talk about you for too long. 

My dear Levi, 

There is no one else better I could have asked for over the years. Thank you for sticking by my side, through thick and thin. Remember the first time we met? You had kicked my ass in that rock-skipping competition. 

You also called me a stupid brat, and maybe that’s what I am. 

I didn’t want to hurt you, but I couldn’t bear the weight of my own pain any longer. Every day felt like a battle I was losing, and the thought of dragging you down with me made it even harder to stay. I longed to hold on, to find a way to make it work, but the ache in my heart was overwhelming. 

Levi looks up from the paper and takes a deep breath. He still hates that you felt that was the only option you felt you had left. 

All those years ago, when I started avoiding you because people thought we were dating, I thought it was just a stupid rumor. But then my feelings started to actually become a reality, and I distanced myself, and I hated myself for it. But what I hated more was that I couldn’t have you. 

I couldn’t be around you because every time I saw you, I got all kinds of butterflies in my stomach, and I didn’t know how to stop. 

The day we graduated high school, I couldn’t even stop myself from toppling over you because I was so excited to be free, to get away from that town. The town that harbored so much pain and sorrow. That was kind of my way of saying goodbye to you, but of course, I had to tell you later that night that I missed you. 

A couple of years later, I saw you moved here, and my ex-boyfriend and I got in that stupid fight. I thought the world was over at the time, because every person I got with, I thought of you, and I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I just took that opportunity to reach out, and you actually came and got me.

If it wasn’t for you, I would have stayed with him. But I thought maybe we could be something. 

Levi can notice where your tears fell on the page. 

Those nights you held me had never been so peaceful. It was the best feeling I've ever had in my life. Levi, I am in love with you. 

Levi’s hands become more shaky, and he can’t help but feel the dullness that begins to spread across his chest. 

I love you so much. When we went to the beach, I thought maybe this could be forever. Let’s run away and start this crazy life together. 

But then I came back to my senses, and I knew that couldn’t be true. Things like that don’t happen in my life, and I knew they never would. 

Levi, I hope you can forgive me. Maybe I am selfish, maybe I am stupid. I knew this world would be better off without me, and I don’t need to drag you into that as well. Please, forget about me. Live a full life. I know you’ll do great things. 

I love you. 

Levi stares down at the note with tears once again spilling out of his eyes. 

He would have taken care of you, run away to live on the beach with you, leaving everyone behind; he would have done anything for you!

If it meant saving you, he would have given the world if he could. He was so hopelessly in love with you, and finding out that you felt the same was something he never thought was a possibility. He falls to his knees and sobs while nothing but the ocean listens to him. 

-

“I read the note,” Levi says begrudgingly. 

Armin perks up, “Do you want to talk about it?” 

“I guess.”

-

It’s officially been a full five years without you. Levi has been getting closer and closer to visiting your grave at the graveyard. Not much has changed in his life; however, he’s reached acceptance. 

You’re gone, and there’s nothing he can do about it. 

He’s forgiven you and somewhat of himself for not doing more with the thanks of Armin sticking by his side. Even when sessions were filled with nothing but pointed silence or ugly crying.  

But on your death day, five years later, Levi goes to the store and picks up a new bouquet of lilacs. 

He can finally at least look at the plant. 

He’s at your grave within minutes and stands there while the winds blow through his hair. He kneels and places the bouquet, checking for any withered petals, like the day he did, when he was going to see you. 

“Sorry for not visiting sooner.” 

He looks around and turns his back. This isn’t the same as talking to your picture. It’s out in the open and feels more vulnerable. 

“I got your favorite flowers.”

He hears some rustling, but doesn’t see anyone, so he continues. 

“I don’t know how you thought I would ever forget about you, but I came to tell you I forgive you. Also, I miss you so fucking much.” 

Levi sits down at the grave, updating you on what has happened over the last couple of years. 

“I know it’s not much, but maybe you’re listening.” 

“Meow!” 

A black cat steps past the grave, rubbing its head into your grave. 

Levi’s eyes widened. You had always talked about how much you loved black cats and how they were hated way too much. You swore they were not bad luck, that in fact, they were the opposite. 

Levi isn’t a huge cat lover, but he knows a sign when he sees one. 

“Hi, kitty, what are you doing here alone?” He looks at the grave, “Now see what you have done.” 

He looks around the graveyard, no one in sight, and no other little kittens. The black cat looks underweight and a little scraggly. Levi can tell it has no home. His eyes soften, and the cat comes and begins to run against Levi. He’s never been around a cat this willing to be pet. It’s really sweet. 

He gets this urge to take it home; he can’t leave it in this graveyard alone. 

“Is this your way of giving me some company?”

The cat snuggles up against Levi and rests its head on his lap. He looks down at it in awe. 

“I guess so,” He mumbles, pretending to be annoyed.

“Well, I'd better get going,” He says to your grave, “I’ve got a cat to take care of.”

He smiles down at the cat and pats its head lightly, “I think I’m going to name you Lilac.”