Chapter Text
It was fall. Second week of November and you were already outside the walls, drenched in sweat and blood which wasn’t yours. Instead of having an ideal fall evening with hot chocolate and a book to read, you were ordered to head westwards.
Still out of breath from the previous encounter with an abnormal titan, you were exhausted. Exhaustion crept into your bones and muscles like ivy on a beech tree.
Erwin barks yet another order, and honestly, all these noises are starting to piss you off. Levi glares at you for nth time this missionー for the nth eye-roll you didn’t bother hiding. It wasn’t your fault, really. Everything was so fucking annoying it was starting to get under your skin. And your menstrual cycle wasn’t helping by showing up a day before the expedition.
An expedition, deaths, and you bleeding out of your uterus. Life couldn’t be greater.
“What’s up with you, brat?” Levi snarls as his horse runs beside yours. You two were the only ones left behind as the rest of the squad headed westwards.
“Nothing’s up with me, everything’s up with the situation.” You shot back.
“Suck it up then. You’re not the only one suffering right now.” Levi said.
“You, as a man, have no right to say that since you don’t bleed out of your testes every month.” You say, rolling your eyes once again.
“Fuck off.” He said. The two of you catch up to the squad. Everyone was already starting to set up the camps. As usual, horses were given the most importance. Some of the ODM gear users were positioned on nearby trees and ruins, just in case.
You get off your horse and tie it inside the perimeter with other horses, followed by Levi’s.
It was dusk. Since the sun had set, titans won’t be mobile for the night. Hopefully. Horses were tied and resting as Eld fed them.
You went to one of the camps to get a towel or something to at least wipe off that filthy blood off yourself. Everything was feeling extremely, absolutely, overly disgusting. Your hormones were definitely not helping by messing you up right now.
You wanted to cry and scream and throw up and probably kill yourself. You can’t decide what exactly. And even though you’ve done this countless times before, it never stops feeling like wanting to break. Hands trembling, heart thumping rapidly from the last adrenaline high, and mind spiraling in itself, a tight lump starts to form in your throat.
You take a towel, wet it slightly from the water bottle (water was sacred) and clean off whatever you can right now. Then you drink some of it.
Blood and sweat. Blood and sweat. Blood and sweat. And tears.
No, you wouldn't cry over a stupid expedition. Couldn’t. At least not right now. You can break down later when you have the safety of your pillow and bed.
A voice pulls you out of your inner turmoil.
“Alright, brat?” Levi asks, raising an eyebrow. You turn to face him, just to see he was just behind you. Annoying short people, appear whenever they feel like it.
“Life certainly couldn't be better.” You said. You didn’t exactly want to be mean, but you couldn't help it either.
There’s a moment of silence between you two. Not tense silence, not comfortable either, just…there.
“Rest, sarge.” Levi said, in a tone you can’t quite decipher. Was it an order? A suggestion? You don’t know. All you know is, he’s right. You need rest.
And then, he left. You were deep in thoughts. Again. It’s a coping mechanism, really. At least that’s what you tell yourself. You had wiped most of the fluid off yourself when you noticed Petra approaching you.
As much as the day is unfortunate, Petra makes it better by doing absolutely nothing. Your best friend, your ride-or-die, Petra Ral was your girl.
She calls out your name.
“You’re not injured, are you? Get the wounds bandaged before we have to dismantle the camp.” Petra said, tugging your arm.
“I will. I first have to change the cloth. It’s probably leaking by now.” You said, to which Petra nods, realizing you’re probably on that time of your month.
You and Petra walk to your horse. The small leather pouch still sewn on its saddle. You pull out a cloth from it, thick cotton cloth, sewn from sides, stuffed with cotton and more cloth inside it. This is the pathetic excuse for a pad you and every other woman here uses.
Not ideal, not comfortable, not even safe for anti-infection. But that’s the only luxury you can afford. You and Petra head inside the forest, downwind to avoid any kind of smell reaching titans. Going alone in the woods outside the walls would be foolish and idiotic. You quickly change the cloth behind a tree while Petra stays a few feet away, with her back facing the tree.
⚬──────────✧──────────⚬
It was midnight. Almost everyone was asleep. Well, not exactly, sleep was not a thing outside walls. Most of them were probably just thanking god for letting them survive yet another day.
Levi had volunteered for night patrol, ‘insomnia’ he excused, but both you and Levi knew the actual reason. You volunteered following Levi, after he glared at you.
The night was freezing cold, you could both feel a wave of yet another cold breeze flow by. Night patrolling wasn’t anything either of you liked, especially not on such a chilly night but it was a great excuse to see each other.
You and Levi had always been too close to something real, yet too far from a commitment. It was probably the fear of getting too attached and losing the other, or maybe both of your emotional absence which opposes your relationship like oil and water.
Tension between you two was like the air before a thunderstorm, heavy and electric. Stolen glances, quick eye contacts, brushing of fingers under the table, a touch here, a peck there. Never quite a proper kiss.
“Sarge,” Levi said, his tone was subtle, betraying nothing, but eyes don’t lie. “Don’t get loose on me. I need you sharp.” he continued and you can’t help but scoff a little, half-scoff, half-laugh.
“Yeah, sharp.” You said. You both walked around the camp perimeter for the night. Guards up, edges smooth. “You remind me of someone,” you said, squinting your eyes, trying to remember.
“Who is it?” Levi asked, raising an eyebrow, quietly hiding his curiosity.
“A velociraptor.” You said, grinning, looking at him. He was already looking at you, a frown on his face now.
“What?” He asked. You knew he was mentally cursing someone, probably you.
“You remind me of a velociraptor.” You repeat.
“How?”
“Quite literally.”
“The fuck? I don’t fucking know what a velociraptor is. Probably something you read about when you were high last week,” Levi grumbled.
“You remind me of a velociraptor because,” you said, dramatically beating the invisible drumsticks.
“You’re fast, tiny, and strong for your size.” You said, clearly proud of how accurate your description was. You were, indeed, right. But not that anyone would like to accept it. Especially Levi.
“Oi. From where would you even know about stuff like that? What even is a velociraptor?” Levi asked, rolling his eyes.
“I read it in one of those books in the military library when we last went for the all-regiment meeting. It’s some weird carnivore animal no longer in the world, can you believe it? An animal just- just vanished. Just its bones are known. Isn’t it insane to you?” You said with that quiet excitement you had when talking about the books you read.
“You are insane to me. Why would you go there? It’s illegal—” Levi was interrupted.
“It’s fun! Those books are like— illegal knowledge. You’d probably just shut me up if I would’ve asked you for permission. I know you that much.” You said, softly nudging his shoulder with yours.
“Since you know so much about me,” Levi said, glaring at you. “You should also know I can toss you over my shoulder and let titans have a feast on you if you don’t shut that mouth of yours.”
You laugh.
He glares at you.
And Miche gestures to you both to shut up before an actual titan decides to feast on the squad.