Work Text:
Video: Buzzfeed asks the First Husbands of Hockey, Ottawa Centaurs stars Shane Hollander & Ilya Rozanov to bust your biggest ‘Hollanov’ conspiracy theories!
Description:
We asked husbands, teammates and forever rivals Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov of the Ottawa Centaurs about the biggest conspiracy theories surrounding them, their relationship and the hockey world at large. The answers we got did not disappoint.
Warning: Do not watch if you’re a minor!!
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For every 100 views, likes and comments on this video, Buzzfeed will donate one Canadian dollar to the Irina Foundation to help underprivileged kids get into hockey and to support mental health initiatives across North America.
//start//
*Shane and Ilya are sitting on stools holding cards. Shane is wearing jorts and a white vest top with a loose blue shirt over the top, his hair is long and up in a half up bun. Ilya is wearing black Adidas tracksuit bottoms with a tight fitting black t-shirt and his hair is even longer, wild and untameable. They’re both already giggling as microphones are attached to them*
//cut//
SH: Hello, I’m Shane Hollander, the greatest hockey player of all time.
IR: And I’m Ilya Rozanov, the actual best player of all time.
SH: 5 cups to your 3.
IR: 800 goals to your 750.
SH: I could go into assists but we need to finish the intro so hello everyone!
SH: We’re here with Buzzfeed who have given us conspiracy theories to look at.
IR: We’re going to prove them all wrong.
SH: What if they’re right?
IR: Then whoever came up with it, pat yourself on the back.
SH: Fair.
//cut//
SH: So yes, we’ve got cards with tweets from hockey fans around the world who have proposed theories about us, our relationship probably, maybe about hockey in general, and we’re going to discuss them.
IR: We have to be honest.
SH: Of course, we agreed beforehand, nothing is being held back.
IR: Can I start?
SH: Of course, baby.
*Ilya’s cheeks turn a slight shade of pink, there’s a gasp behind the camera. Shane looks very pleased with himself to have flustered his husband*
//cut//
IR: I’m going to start with an easy one because I’ve read ahead, moya lyubov and I think we’ll get very deep later on. So the first tweet comes from Lizzy and it simply reads: ‘Why is Shane Hollander the bottom of all time?’
SHL Oh for fu-
//cut//
*Shane has launched himself at Ilya and is hitting him over the head with his own cue cards*
IR: Moya Lyubov, we promised to be honest with the audience!
SH: You’re such an asshole!
IR: It’s on the cue cards! It’s not my tweet!
IR: Although I would tweet this if Harris wouldn’t kill me.
SH: Nevermind Harris, I’ll kill you!
IR: Nothing wrong with bottoming.
SH: You do it then.
IR: We have, it wasn’t for me.
*Shane is rubbing his temples from the headache Ilya is giving him. Ilya is grinning like a madman at the camera*
IR: Seriously, Shane. What’s wrong with people knowing you bottom?
SH: Nothing, I’m not ashamed.
*Shane shrugged, brushing his hair out of his face, fanning himself a little, as if the room they were sitting in was very warm.*
SH: Just wondering why I’m so predictable.
IR: Because everyone knows you’re Canadian and boring so of course you’re predictable.
SH: Fuck off.
IR: Is true.
IR: But-
IR: I do think people don’t realise how umm, what is the word… oh, problematic? Yes problematic, it is problematic to ask who bottoms in a relationship. For all queer couples I think, but especially given we’re two athletes in a very violent sport. We’re masculine, we fight to win, it can be brutal. It’s almost like, okay who’s the real man? I don’t know if I’m making sense.
SH: Oh, I didn’t think of it like that just then but I agree.
IR: Da?
SH: Da. I’m nearly six foot, I’m two hundred pounds, got a whole lotta muscle and I’m at the very top of my sport. Yet because Ilya is six foot three, a good fifteen pounds heavier than me, and he’s an asshole to everyone on the rink, everyone assumes that he’s the ‘man in the relationship’ or whatever that means.
IR: That’s true. I personally think Shane is more masculine than me.
SH: Really?
IR: Da.
SH: In what sense?
IR: I guess in a sense that I don’t mind being effeminate, yeah? I explore my feminine side more than Shane would. Shane isn’t effeminate, he is a jock through and through and that’s okay, he’s perfect to me.
SH: Shut up.
*Shane is shyly hiding behind his cue cards*
SH: I know what you mean though, I’ve never been one to explore my gender I guess. Although I do love my skincare.
IR: Not that you need it, your skin is flawless anyways.
SH: It’s not but I’ll take the compliment.
IR: Please do, you get all cute and shy when people compliment you.
IR: Makes me feel so-
SH: Don’t.
IR: Okay, you know though.
SH: I think everyone knows.
SH: But going back to topic, I fully support everyone who wishes to express themselves in whatever way they want. Someone who I’ve gotten to know quite well the past few years is Fabian Salah. We went on a double date with him and Ryan back when we were still hiding our relationship and I was so in awe of how confident and fabulous he was and is, really. But all that glitter and gold isn’t for me.
SH: Ilya though, he’s tried a few things and he always looks great.
IR: I like exploring gender identity a bit. Like he said, Shane doesn’t really do that kind of stuff but he gives me the space and the comfortability to be able to do things or wear things. I don’t mind having my nails painted by our nieces Ruby and Jade, I don’t mind wearing eyeliner when going out with my husband to a bar or whatever, I wear crop tops a lot, especially during the summer-
SH: You look so fucking hot in crop tops.
*There’s a silence as everyone realises Shane has forgotten where he is and what he’s doing, an embarrassed flush appearing on his face. Ilya’s smile is so wide he could be the sun itself*
//cut//
SH: I understand where you’re coming from in terms of the masculinity aspect when being asked who tops or bottoms. I don’t really go online much, but I’ve been told by some people in my life that sometimes those online can fetishize me, is that the right word? My personality is more calm than Ilya’s, I’m seen as Canada’s golden boy, I don’t fight on the ice, I let my hockey do the talking for me. They probably see me as meek, timid, submissive, perhaps? And to an extent it’s true, I do bottom, I love bottoming, but if anyone is under any assumption that Ilya’s in charge? Time to check your facts, I’m afraid.
IR: I’m obsessed with you.
SH: I know and that’s why I’m in charge.
IR: Sure.
IR: Will you wear a crop top for me?
SH: Only for you, no one else.
*Ilya fist pumps the air, biting his lip. Shane rolls his eyes heavily*
//cut//
SH: Okay so I’ll go next, this tweet comes from John and he says ‘Anyone who thinks Shane tripped on purpose has never watched a game of hockey. You think Mama Hollander would raise a dirty cheat? I don’t think so’.
IR: YES JOHN, THANK YOU.
*Shane jumps nearly ten foot in the air at his husbands sudden excitement*
SH: Jesus, Ilya!
IR: Sorry but you know I’m passionate about this.
SH: Yeah, I know.
IR: It’s stupid, it’s illogical, it’s actually very dumb idiot behaviour to even think that my husband would ever dare to let me win a game.
SH: Ilya…
IR: It is an insult to us both, we have always played to win, we’ve always elevated our games against each other and we’ve always spurred each other on. Anyone who thinks Shane slipped on purpose, dm me on twitter and I’ll find your fucking house and-
//cut//
SH: Baby, you can’t threaten everyone on the internet.
IR: I can and I will.
SH: You’re so cute.
IR: I will always defend you for that, it’s so fucking stupid.
SH: It’s pretty stupid, and John’s right about my mom. Although when she found out about Ilya and I she did ask if I ever let him win any games.
IR: Yeah because she wanted to make sure you weren't dickmatized by me.
SH: Who the fuck taught you that word?
IR: Dykstra. He says we’re both dickmatized for one another, I looked at the urban dictionary and I agreed.
SH: Unbelievable.
IR: But back to Yuna…
IR: She also didn’t want me to leave Boston for Shane back in 2018 as it showed, in her opinion at the time, ‘a lack of loyalty to the team that drafted me’.
SH: She cares too much about hockey.
IR: Pot having a black kettle.
*Ilya raises his brow at Shane and there’s a smattering of giggles from the crew and Ilya’s broken idiom*
SH: It’s-
IR: I know what I said.
SH: Of course.
SH: But Ilya’s right, my mom did question him giving up Boston to be near me, but she gained another son and Ilya gained a family in Ottawa. And now we’re both playing there together, we’ve already won two cups there and we’re looking to get that third. She’s happy now that we’re both in Ottawa together.
IR: Also, about you tripping, that’s probably the most scary I’ve seen your mother. When you told her what had happened and what they’d accused you of, she was so furious.
SH: Mama Hollander is a force of nature.
Producer: We actually spoke to your mom over videocall about this interview before you arrived today. She prescreened the questions, although she didn’t exclude anything. She talked a bit about the trip, we could see the anger within.
SH: Wait, my mom pre-screened the questions?
Producer: Yes.
*Ilya starts laughing and Shane begins to disassociate*
IR: Your mum read the tweet about you being the bottom of all time.
SH: Yes, thank you Ilya.
*Ilya continues to laugh, deep and rumbling in his chest*
IR: She knows that anyway, she walked in on us at the cottage because she didn’t knock that one time she came to drop off dinner.
SH: We agreed to never talk about that.
IR: Who cares.
SH: I care, deeply.
IR: It was only fair, your dad walked in on us the summer before.
SH: In an ideal world, neither would’ve!
IR: Pah, it’s not a problem. We’re both hot, we’re together, we’re ripped. It’s hot, yes?
SH: You’re impossible.
//cut//
Producer: As we were saying, we spoke to Yuna about the trip and she said she always felt guilty a lot about your career because she tried to make you be as perfect as she could so no one had a reason to discard you, so everyone took you seriously.
SH: Yeah, that sounds like mom. We’ve had several conversations about this before. As people are well aware, my mom is the daughter of Japanese immigrants. Her parents came here for work and raised her in Ottawa. She always wanted to give me the tools to make sure my asian-ness wasn’t something they cared about on the ice. If I just played my game, if I was polite, if I wasn’t papped leaving clubs at early hours, if I gave great PR responses, then people wouldn’t care I was Asian. Of course, it’s easier said than done. I’ve heard very racist remarks disguised as chirps on the ice, from juniors all the way to just last week.
IR: Racism is not chirps.
SH: Exactly, people think they can get away with anything as long as it’s seen as a chirp. What it is, is demeaning, degrading and doesn’t get any easier to hear. My mom gave me the best tools to deal with it, I try not to let them affect me.
SH: …
SH: I suppose she saw a gifted hockey kid and wanted to make sure my Asian-ness wasn’t even part of the discussion, but it was always going to be. Because Racism is deeply ingrained in the NHL, unfortunately. And then throw into the mix that that POC kid from Ottawa, Canada, is also gay-
IR: Super gay.
SH: Ilya, shush.
IR: Sorry.
SH: But yeah, all that. Nevermind I’d won three Stanley Cups, never mind I’d won the Conn Smythe, never mind I’d given my entire career to the metros and had consistently been at the top of Men’s Hockey, none of it mattered because I was gay, asian and in love with my rival, someone who had been with me at the top the entirety of my career. I tripped, that’s all I did, and it was enough to negate every single achievement I’d ever earned.
*There’s a sombre silence in the air as the reality of what Shane said sunk in. Ilya is looking at Shane with nothing but love in his eyes, he gently reaches over and places a hand on his husband's knee. Their eyes connect and there seems to be some sort of understanding between them*
IR: Basically.
IR: Fuck the metros.
*There’s a chorus of giggles as Shane once again, rolls his eyes, exasperated at his husband*
//cut//
IR: Okay, this is an interesting tweet from Umi, they wrote ‘I think Hollanov began in 2017, and here is my reasoning why’. They go on to do nineteen tweets about all the evidence and theories and it’s detailed.
*Ilya shows Shane the several cue cards with the detailed explanation on it and they both giggle like naughty school boys*
SH: Wow, they put a lot of thought into it.
IR: Indeed.
SH: But they’re wrong, I’m afraid.
SH: Well, to a certain extent.
IR: I can see why they thought of 2017.
SH: We became exclusive in 2017.
IR: Da. But we’ve been having fantastic sex since 2010, right?
SH: Yeah, but I’ve been obsessed with you since I met you so who knows really.
*There’s gasps amongst the crew*
Producer: Did you say 2010?
IR: Da.
Producer: Oh my god.
SH: Ha! We shocked the crew here.
IR: I’m proud, I didn’t know it was such a big secret or point of talk, you know?
SH: Discussion, yes.
SH: Well Ilya and I have had chemistry since that first day we met at the World Junior Championships in Regina, Saskatchewan. I told him he was smoking in the wrong place, he chirped me about being a nice canadian boy, the usual. I went home after that weekend and watched as much tape on him as I could find.
IR: I did not know that.
IR: That makes two of us.
SH: Huh?
IR: After Regina, I also went home and watched a lot of your footage.
SH: Aww, that’s sweet.
IR: And then I jerked off thinking about your freckles on draft night.
SH: Oh.
*There’s silence in the room, Shane’s face is pretty much the colour of the ripest tomato*
SH: Can I confess something?
IR: No, you didn’t! Did you?
SH: Yeah, draft night.
IR: Oh, moya lyubov, why did we wait so long to admit we loved one another?
SH: So many reasons.
SH: Not being sure I was completely gay, not knowing if it was ever serious for you despite the great sex we were having, working in a sport that is so horrendously homophobic, being pitted against one another as rivals, not wanting to be outed because that meant you could be sent back to Russia if they kicked you from the NHL, not seeing each other often enough to know if we had chemistry outside of sex, not being brave enough, fearing tuna melt sandwiches, you know. The usual.
IR: Sure, there was that.
Producer: Tuna melts?
IR: Okay, so basically-
SH: Here we go.
IR: -I invited Shane over before a game once. We had an afternoon game the following day so I asked him to stay the night, made him a tuna melt sandwich, frottaged for a bit and then he had a major freak out and left me with cum all over myself and began dating Rose Landry.
*Shane’s eyes are wide at the casualness with what Ilya said, there’s gasps again from the crew who seem to be getting the juiciest gossip of all time*
SH: Did you have to go into that much detail?
IR: She asked.
IR: And I kept it brief.
SH: You’re so annoying.
IR: And you spook easily.
SH: I don’t anymore, I’m very proud to admit my feelings out loud for you!
IR: I know, moya lyubov.
IR: Thank you for loving me and thank you for letting me love you.
SH: Ya tebya lyublyu.
*Ilya leans across and lands a sweet kiss on Shane’s cheek who is grinning from ear to ear.*
Crew: Awww.
SH: Just so we’re clear, Ilya and I were not exclusive until 2017, I did not cheat on him with Rose Landry and I did not cheat on her with Ilya. But, she was part of my journey to self-discovery and I’m forever grateful for her being so supportive of me and she’s still one of my best friends to date.
IR: Thank you Rose for returning my man to me.
SH: I wasn’t your man at the time.
IR: Shane Michael Hollander, you’ve always been my man.
*The crew are aww-ing again*
SH: Stop being sweet and focus.
IR: Never.
Producer: So let me get this correct, you met at the World Junior Championship in Regina in 2008, you slept together in 2010 and you became exclusive in 2017. You had a seven year situationship?
IR: Da, but I think I loved him the whole time. Those freckles, that smile, his eyes. I am only a weak man, yeah?
SH: Shut up!
IR: Nope.
SH: I took a bit longer than that, perhaps I did love him too but I definitely knew in 2014 because he ghosted me for six months and instead of telling him to fuck off and leave his ass for good I forgave him instantly and then he railed me in a Las Vegas penthouse.
*The crew begin coughing and spluttering at Shane’s ‘matter of fact’ wording. Ilya is laughing hard and almost falls off his chair*
SH: It's true. The worst part is he still acted like a dick to me that night and for a few weeks afterwards but I guess he couldn’t resist me any further.
IR: Shane’s mouth is magic.
SH: I excel at many things.
*Ilya raises a closed fist to his face and motions a blow job. Shane catches it in his peripherals and smacks Ilya’s thigh*
SH: It was implied you didn’t need to act it out.
IR: Some people are visual learners.
//cut//
IR: Okay, next conspiracy and this is a good one. Emily says that ‘Luca Haas was adult-adopted by Shane and Ilya’.
SH: HA.
SH: I think Luca’s family would have a problem with that.
IR: Luca wouldn’t mind, he’s at our house half the time anyways because he’s bonded with Anya.
SH: They’re both thick as thieves together, it’s quite sweet actually.
IR: I suppose this tweet is better than what the girl waiting outside the stadium thought of when Luca got into our car to come over for dinner.
SH: Oh god, don’t remind me!
*Ilya’s laughing again and Shane is just shaking his head*
Producer: What did she think?
IR: She asked if Luca was our third.
SH: I’ve never seen Luca so red. He got out of the car and said he’d come visit another time and then just ran off.
SH: Ilya of course thought it was hilarious.
IR: It was funny. Shane of course made it very clear he does not share.
SH: Luca wasn’t out at the time I didn’t want him to feel trapped or embarrassed but he’s shy anyway so.
IR: Wasn’t he seeing someone too?
SH: I think so, he sent us so many apology texts that night and promised not to come over as much. We didn’t want that so we facetimed him and reassured him it was okay and that Anya would get sad if he didn’t come see her. He felt better about that.
IR: We’re more workplace dads than actual dads.
IR: For all the rookies, Young is obsessed with my husband.
SH: Because I’m a better player than you.
IR: Liar.
SH: Just saying.
Producer: So you did not adult-adopt him.
SH: No, although if we asked his parents they might agree.
IR: His mother is so kind and his father is very funny.
SH: We’d met them in passing a couple times when they’ve been here to support Luca but last summer we got to know them really well.
IR: Switzerland was so good.
SH: Luca invited us to his hometown last summer and we decided to take him up on his offer. We met his entire extended family, every single one of them being nice too. We went camping which I thought would be a disaster but it really wasn’t.
IR: We did lots of exciting sports and swam in different lakes. It was so much fun.
IR: The wine was so good too, I wanted to cry.
IR: And Luca’s family were so welcoming and accepting of not only us but obviously their son. Luca’s mother thanked us for keeping an eye on him as she hates being thousands of miles away from him. But no, we’ve not adopted him.
SH: Come to think of it, I can understand why that lady in the Tire Centre parking lot said what she said.
IR: Oh, really?
SH: Luca kinda does have a crush on you, just a little bit. Or at least the first couple years you were here.
IR: It’s true, he has a poster of me on his bedroom wall.
IR: That’s something you can both bond over.
SH: Huh?
IR: You have a photo of me in your bedroom, no? On the side table?
*There’s a silence as Shane looks confused as to what on earth Ilya is talking about. Then, his face lights up in disbelief*
SH: You mean OUR wedding photo???
IR: Da.
SH: That’s not a poster you dick!
IR: Ehhh, close enough.
SH: It is not! You cannot compare our twenty-three year old rookie having a poster of you in his childhood bedroom to a framed photograph WE have in OUR bedroom of OUR wedding day, are you insane?
IR: I can sign it for you, then it will be the same.
*Shane is almost stunned into silence, his face is a furious thunder*
SH: You’re unbelievable.
SH: Good luck trying to touch me tonight.
*Ilya’s face drops, realising he’s took the joke slightly too far*
IR: Baby, sweetheart, you know I was joking, ya?
IR: Moya Lyubov? Sweetheart?
SH: No, you deserve to sweat for a little bit.
SH: Next theory please.
*Ilya is pouting like a child who hasn’t been allowed a second helping of ice cream*
IR: Fine, next theory.
//cut//
SH: This will be good, I’m actually laughing at the hilarity of it. Emma said ‘Hollanov is a cover for Shayden. Shane and Hayden have a special relationship, they’ve known each other for a long time. Ilya doesn’t know Shane. You can tell because Ilya hates Hayden and is rude to him online all the time, he wouldn’t do that if he knew how special Hayden was to Shane. Hollanov is a fake relationship created by the league to make a profit, when Shane and Hayden are the ones who want to be together’
*There’s a good five seconds of silence, Shane and Ilya just look at one another, faces gagged and blinking quickly. Then, they burst out laughing*
SH: Oh I haven’t laughed like that in a while.
IR: I feel sick.
SH: Hey, don’t be mean about Hayden, we like Hayden.
IR: No, it’s the thought of you with someone else that makes me feel sick. Could be Hayden, could be Bood, could be our elderly neighbour who answers his front door in a leopard print thong every time you knock, you are MINE.
SH: Okay buddy, we all know. Let’s take a breather, yes?
IR: Yes.
IR: It’s just, how do people in their minds come to that opinion?
SH: Boredom I imagine.
SH: But in all seriousness, Hayden may be my best friend, but as we discussed earlier, I’ve known Ilya longer than I’ve known him. I’ve been getting my dick sucked by Ilya longer than I’ve been Hayden’s friend so, the idea that Ilya isn’t good enough, or doesn’t know me as well is beyond incredulous to me.
IR: There’s three parts to this tweet that we need to debunk, isn’t there?
SH: Oh, I see what you mean, yes.
IR: First of all, Hollanov is a very cute name for us, no?
SH: Super cute. When did we first hear that?
IR: I think pretty much as soon as the video leaked. They use it in the locker room all the time to address us. The team is our biggest fans I think.
SH: Except when Troy says it because he never does and finds it cringe, which I get. But if he says it you know he’s on a wind up.
IR: Ahh, Troy Barrett, the bane of my existence.
IR: But seriously, those who think it’s a ploy by the league, you weren’t there when we got pulled into the Commissioner's office and were humiliated after the video leaked.
SH: Ilya…
IR: What? He was arrested for suspected fraud. I think we’re okay to mention he was a dick.
SH: I don’t think I can stop you anyway.
IR: New commissioner, she seems nicer. She reached out to us after she got the job and apologised for her predecessors' opinions of us. But no, the NHL did not fabricate our relationship, we predate our rookie season, they’re nothing to do with us.
SH: Then you’ve got the whole Shayden thing. I mean…
IR: Just no.
SH: I have to agree. Hayden, I love you, you’re my best friend, but I’d rather sleep with your wife and we all know I’m gay so…
*Ilya bursts out laughing and almost falls off of his stool with just how matter of fact Shane was, again*
IR: I fucking love you so much.
SH: Stop it. I’m just being honest. Hayden worships Jackie anyways so he’s not gonna be upset about it, is he?
IR: I don’t know, I’ve always felt Hayden might be Shane-sexual.
SH: What?
IR: Like he’s straight, but if he was going to choose anyone it would be you. I mean, who wouldn’t want you, moya lyubov? You’re so breathtakingly beautiful and you’re so kind and generous and funny. I’m so happy you chose me, I would be green with jealousy if you had chosen someone else.
SH: Okay, you have earned back your privileges to touch me later.
*Ilya once again, fist bumps the air*
SH: But it doesn’t matter, I only have eyes for you anyways. Sorry, Hayden.
IR: Not sorry.
SH: Okay but can we address the so-called beef between you and Hayden.
IR: I love his kids.
SH: Ilya.
IR: Jackie is amazing too.
SH: Don’t make me use your full name.
SH: Say it.
IR: Nope.
SH: Okay, I’ll just say it. Hayden and Ilya do not hate one another, it’s banter, Hayden gives just as good as he gets. They both do care about one another and I can prove it.
IR: No, I do not care for Pike.
SH: Bullshit.
IR: You’re going to talk about that weekend in March, aren’t you?
SH: It meant a hell of a lot to him, Ilya.
IR: Fine but I’m allowed to say three mean comments online this week in exchange.
SH: No.
IR: Fuck.
*Ilya throws his hands in the air in exasperation and dramatically takes a deep breath in and sighs*
SH: So as some of you would have seen online, Hayden took some time off from hockey this season because his father passed away. Back in March, I was in New York for a few meetings with brands and a photoshoot and Ilya stayed home to look after Anya. Hayden couldn’t get hold of me so he rang Ilya. He explained on the phone that his dad was in the hospital and he needed someone to look after the kids.
IR: No more, please.
SH: Without hesitation, Ilya said he’d come straight over, as quickly as he could. Stuck Anya in the backseat and drove the two hours to Hayden’s house. He did it all, the night time routing, everything. Got them all to bed with no issues and just sat and waited.
IR: I fell asleep on the sofa because I was scared to use the guest bed and not hear Amber if she needed anything because her room is far from the guest room.
SH: Then, because I couldn’t sleep I facetimed Ilya and woke him up at around two. We just waited together to hear anything. At about three in the morning they returned home.
SH: Hayden told us his dad passed away from a heart attack and Ilya just hugged him, for like a long time. It made Jackie cry, it made me cry. Ilya told him to go and get sleep, that he would do the school run the next day and I think in that moment they both sort of realised that they cared for one another. Even if it’s mostly jokes and arguments and Ilya furious because Hayden always beats him at mario kart.
IR: He uses Wario and cheats, I’m sure of it.
SH: But Hayden spoke to me a few days later and said he couldn’t be more grateful because of what Ilya did.
IR: It was the right thing to do. Those kids needed me and Jackie and Hayden needed to go to the hospital.
SH: People don’t believe me when I tell them how good of a person he is.
SH: He’s actually a very soft teddy bear.
IR: No, liar. I am a big, scary Russian bear.
SH: Nope, you’re a cutie patootie.
IR: I refuse.
SH: Too late.
//cut//
Producer: I know you talked about your ship name Hollanov, did you know there’s a small subsection of fans who think it should be Shilya?
*Shane screws his face up, Ilya looks very confused*
SH: No, absolutely not.
IR: No, Hollanov is better.
SH: Way better.
SH: Shilya sounds like a disease.
*Ilya starts laughing and then pretends to be a zombie*
IR: Urrgghhh, I have Shilya!
*Shane is giggling at how silly Ilya is being*
Producer: They make me sick, they’re too perfect.
//cut//
IR: I think this is the last one for me, do you have one left too?
SH: Yes, so one more theory each.
IR: Okay this one for me, it comes from Aaron. He has tweeted, ‘Hollander seems like such a square, I don’t know what Rozanov sees in him. I bet the sex is so boring’.
SH: Well that’s rude.
SH: I know Ilya jokes that I’m boring but dang, alright I guess.
IR: Only I’m allowed to call you boring.
SH: You love my boring, though.
IR: I do.
IR: But I’m going to have to say something about this tweet, the part about the boring sex. I would like it to be known, I slept with a lot of people before I became exclusive with Shane.
SH: Urgh, don’t remind me.
IR: And it needs to be documented by you people on the internet that I’ve never had sex as good as I do with my husband. Sexy, sensual, filthy, delicious. It’s beyond anything your tiny minds can compare, da? None of those other people mattered, none of them were as brave as Shane, as free as Shane, none of them are freaks like Shane.
SH: Oh boy.
IR: Sex with Shane is the single greatest feeling in the world, nothing compares. Because I love him, every part of my body loves him. Every nerve, every blood cell, every organ, it all works for Shane. Da?
*A silence lays over the studio as Shane has tears in his eyes, looking at his husband with complete adoration. The crew are also cooing at this weirdly emotional but hot moment*
IR: Shane is a sexual freak.
SH: Takes one to know one.
IR: We’re freaks together.
SH: Damn straight.
Producer: I don’t know if you’ll answer this question but I’m going to ask and we’ll just cut it out if it’s a no-go. But, as you’re being accused of having very boring sex, could you perhaps tell us what the best sex you both had is and what’s the freakiest thing you’ve done?
*Shane puts his head in his hands, his cheeks resembling a tomato once again, Ilya however looks deep in thought as he’s taking the question seriously*
IR: Well we already mentioned Vegas, where I was going through some shit and was rude to you. Despite that it was pretty great sex.
SH: I don’t think Vegas is even in the top 10 of sex we’ve ever had.
IR: You’re probably right.
IR: Trophy room?
SH: Oh god, yeah.
SH: Maybe.
SH: We had some pretty great sex on our honeymoon.
IR: Fuck yeah we did, and in Switzerland last summer.
IR: I don’t know if I could point and say that was the greatest sex we’ve ever had because all sex we have is the best.
SH: I get what you mean.
SH: Freakiest though.
IR: What counts as freaky?
Producer: I think it could be like a mixture of things that make that one time freaky. It could be the location you’re in, the position you’re in, if toys are involved, what is said to one another.
*Shane starts giggling and leans over to Ilya and whispers something audible in his ear. Ilya’s eyes are wide with glee and he starts laughing too. The only word the microphone picked up is kingfisher*
Producer: I shouldn’t have asked this question.
IR: No is okay, we were just coming to an agreement.
SH: So, we played the Admirals last month in New York and whenever we’re there we always go to the kingfisher to see Scott, Kip, Kyle, Eric and whoever else is there.
IR: Maria and Elena especially.
SH: Elena is so funny.
IR: The funniest.
SH: Anyways, they’ve recently remodelled and now the washrooms have more space in the individual cubicles. We went into the disabled toilet because we’d been drinking and dancing and making eyes at one another all night. Not advised because someone could’ve needed it, we apologise.
IR: But yeah we were quite drunk and horny that night, winning does that for us.
SH: Basically, Ilya wheelbarrowed me in the disabled washroom of the kingfisher and I came on my own face.
Producer: Holy shit.
Crew: …
SH: Did I just admit that out loud for the internet to know?
IR: Yes, and you’re mother.
SH: OH GOD.
//cut//
Producer: I’m impressed Ilya can lift you into a wheelbarrow to be truthful, most men don’t have the core strength.
IR: I have a lot of strength, I throw Shane about a lot.
SH: Only when you’re told too.
IR: Of course.
SH: I think maybe we’ve strayed into too much information territory.
IR: We’re married, people know we fuck.
SH: Just not how freaky apparently.
Producer: Queer sex is always freakier than straight sex I think.
IR: I agree.
SH: I would not know.
IR: You fucked Rose Landry.
SH: Well yeah, but not well.
*Ilya lets out a snort of laughter*
IR: Oh moya lyubov, please never change. I love you so much.
SH: Okay, I won’t.
//cut//
SH: Also, my apologises to Scott and Eric for fucking in your bars bathrooms.
IR: I don’t apologise, it's the best marketing for your bar.
SH: It’s not a sacred site, Ilya.
IR: Should be, should have a plaque, mark the spot.
SH: You’re impossible.
IR: You love it.
//cut//
SH: This is the final theory, okay? And I don’t like how called out I am in this.
IR: oh?
SH: This comes from Rochelle, who simply tweets, ‘I love Shane Hollander, this wasian, autistic bottom is very special to me’.
*Ilya starts laughing again*
IR: I think that’s meant as an endearment. I don't think it’s calling you out.
SH: Oh yeah, I got that from the tone and content of the tweet, I just don’t like how accurate it is. Once again I am wondering why I am so obvious, apparently?
IR: We’ve talked about your asian-ness, we’ve talked about you being a bottom. But the Autistic thing, that’s a recent development for us, da?
SH: Yeah, that’s something I’m adjusting to.
Producer: You’re autistic?
SH: Yeah, as if I haven’t got enough going on but I recently got diagnosed last year. It was… a lot.
SH: I originally just started going to therapy after moving to Ottawa to help me get through a lot of stuff that had been going on, being outed, being treated like shit by Montreal. You know the drill.
SH: It wasn’t until maybe six or seven sessions in which my therapist asked me if I’ve ever considered myself to be neurodivergent. I knew I had routines and quirks and stuff but I’ve always been like that and my mother is also like that so I never really gave it much thought.
IR: I had wondered a few times myself but never said anything because he’s just my Shane, you know?
SH: Always your Shane.
SH: But it wasn’t until Hayden talked to me about his son, Arthur, who was in the process of getting a diagnosis that I really started to think about it. I’ve always had an affinity with Arthur, we understand each other quite well and so I thought I had best research it so I got some books. It was like reading myself on the page of the book, I was quite overwhelmed. But I have a supportive family and team and I’m happy I can understand myself better now. I actually feel freer than I’ve ever felt.
IR: Everyone should go to therapy.
SH: They really should, it’s life changing.
Producer: Proud of you, Shane.
SH: Thanks! I’m pretty proud of myself too!
//cut//
SH: Well, we busted a lot of myths there.
IR: Da, it felt good. To get off of our chests, no?
SH: It really did.
SH: Can you imagine what those two seventeen year olds meeting in that parking lot in Saskatchewan would think of all this?
IR: I would never have believed I could have any of this.
SH: I’d have hoped, but never believed.
IR: I love you, let's win another cup, yes?
SH: Of course.
Producer: No plans for retirement yet then?
SH: Zero.
IR: Not yet.
IR: Eventually, of course.
SH: We were drafted in the same year, do you think it would be nice to retire the same year too?
IR: I dunno, maybe. I quite like the idea of being your WAG for a season, though.
SH: We are already in the WAGs group chat.
IR: True.
IR: Cassie shares fantastic gossip and Selena shares her banana bread recipes. It’s a wonderful chat to be a part of.
SH: The blueberry banana bread, oh goodness.
IR: Are you horny for cake?
SH: A little bit.
*They both giggle, Ilya leaning over and kissing Shane’s hair softly*
SH: Shall we do the outro?
IR: After you.
//cut//
SH: I’ve been Shane Hollander, the greatest hockey player of all time.
IR: And I’ve been Ilya Rozanov, the actual best hockey player of all time.
SH: And we just busted all your myths about us for buzzfeed.
SH: It was fun.
IR: Very fun. I think we learned some things too, no?
SH: Yeah, you wanna wheelbarrow tonight?
IR: Shane Hollander, you’re such a naughty man.
SH: Only for you, baby.
IR: Keep calling me that and we’re not making it to the car.
SH: Okay… baby.
*Ilya grabs Shane by his face and starts full on making out with him, it’s very hot*
Producer: Damn.
//end//
Posted: 27 minutes ago.
Comments: 1987
[Pinned Comment] Buzzfeed
Wheelbarrow challenge anyone?
reply from: shaneseyelash
oh hollanov fuck nasty, what a glorious day to support queer men
reply from: ilyasbeartattoo
okay but the wheelbarrow in a public space while drunk out your mind, cumming on your own face? holy fucking shit!
reply from: gabrielheader
my boyfriend and i were in the kingfisher last month when hollanov were there after the hockey game, when i say shane was grinding on ilya’s lap to pony by ginuwine i’m telling the absolute truth
reply to: gabrielheader from: shaneseyelash
oh i am so envious of you, oomf
Comment: lucahaas11
I do not have a crush on Rozanov. Nor do I want to be Hollanov’s third.
reply to: lucahaas11 from: jacoblapointe
ok
reply to: lucahaas11 from: coreyyoung
ok
reply to: lucahaas11 from: aaronholmberg
ok
reply from: lucasbigblueyes
omg the rookies are killing you in the comment section, stand up luca!
reply from: lucahaas11
oh dear.
Comment: roselandry
‘Not well’ Oh honey, you were better than some of the men I’ve dated. At least you knew where the clit was.
reply to: roselandry from: shanehollanderhockeyplayer
seriously?
reply to: shanehollanderhockeyplayer from: roselandry
seriously.
reply to: roselandry from: shanehollanderhockeyplayer
but it’s right there??
reply to: shanehollanderhockeyplayer from: roselandry
so you understand my struggle?
reply to: roselandry from: rararozanov
do not worry rose, i have several friends who know where the clit is and can give you good orgasms, you want their numbers?
reply to: rararozanov from: roselandry
are any of these friends cliff marlow or svetlana vetrova?
reply to: roselandry from: rararozanov
yes.
reply to: rararozanov from: roselandry
then yes, I would appreciate their numbers
reply from: roselandryupdates
omg bisexual queen.
Comment: haydenpikeofficial
I do not care for rozanov, this is slander.
reply to: haydenpikeofficial from: jackiepike
tell the truth, babe.
reply to: haydenpikeofficial from: pikespuck
i love that caring about rozanov is where you draw the line, not being accused of being shane-sexual
reply to: pikespuck from: haydenpikeofficial
my best friend is hot, i can admit that
reply to: haydenpikeoffical from: pikespuck
sssh, don’t let him hear you say that
Comment: yunahollander
I love my gay son very much but this video had some things I did not need to hear.
reply from: merrikaty
jkhdhaadhrdhj
reply from: shanescervix
you raised a freak ma’am
reply from: shanehollanderhockeyplayer
i’m going to have to eject myself from the planet
reply to shanehollanderhockeyplayer from: rararozanov
please don’t, who will wheelbarrow with me if you go?
reply to: rararozanov from: shanehollanderhockeyplayer
really? under my own mother’s post?
Comment: davidhollander
everyone watching this who hates the montreal metros, go donate to the irina foundation!
reply from: rozanovscross
doing it!!
reply from: shilyahq
you heard the man, donate!
reply from: hollanovtruther
omg the shade, we stand david hollander!!
reply to: davidhollander from: shanehollanderhockeyplayer
love you, dad
reply to: shanehollanderhockeyplayer from: davidhollander
and i love you son, you want me to come and help you put up that greenhouse later today?
reply to: davidhollander from: shanehollanderhockeyplayer
i would love that, thank you
Comment: scotthunterny
hiring every cleaning crew in new york to sanitize the disabled bathroom immediately
reply to: scotthunterny from: kipgradybaby
i already knew about this, maria told me she helped shane get the good stuff out of his hair
reply to: kipgradybaby from: mariamaria
i’m sure shane appreciates you telling the internet that kip
reply to: mariamaria from: scotthunterny
i’m not sure i appreciate hearing it tbh
reply to: scotthunterny from: rararozanov
just because you’re old and need viagra to fuck kip doesn’t mean the rest of us hot and sexy hockey players can ‘t have freaky fun
reply to: rararozanov from: scotthunterny
you’re banned from the kingfisher
Comment: bradthehockeyguy
glad the metros got rid of this homo, disgusting behaviour, you’d never catch drapeau or cormeau sucking dick, we’re better without him!
reply from: shaneseyelash
me when i lie
reply from: merrikaty
actually die a painful death brad
reply from: rararozanov
my husband won’t suck your dick, no need to be jealous about this
reply to: rararozanov from: svetaveta
haha, get him ilya!
reply to: svetaveta from: shanehollanderhockeyplayer
don’t encourage him, sveta!
reply to shanehollanderhockeyplayer from: svetaveta
he needs no encouragement to be ilya rozanov, be fr
reply to: svetaveta from: shanehollanderhockeyplayer
true
reply to: bradthehockeyguy from: shanehollanderhockeyplayer
1- fuck you for releasing that video and outing us
2- the metros are nothing without me
3- those fucking idiots could use a little dick sucking, might make them better hockey players!
reply to: shanehollanderhockeyplayer from: rararozanov
lemme eat dat ass, lord shane ur so sexy ahahaha x