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“ I don’t know why you are still putting up with me..”
It was these words which broke the heavy silence in the room, which had previously only been interrupted by the noises of the medical supplies hitting the walls of the little metal first aid box whenever Builderman was searching for something in it.
Now the silence had been broken by these words which felt like a stab into Builder’s guts. He couldn’t help but feel fear creeping up inside of him over what this single sentence could imply.
“What do you mean by that?”
With furrowed brows he looked up to Shedletsky who was sitting in front of him on their unmade bed and upon seeing his partner he immediately regretted how stern he had sounded.
The other sat in front of him, practically sunken into himself, his head hanging low and it seemed like he needed to use all of his remaining energy just to continue sitting up instead of fully crumbling down. Strands of his brown messy curls which reached his shoulder blades by now, hung into his face and the dark shadows under his eyes as well as the two deep scars in his face looked more noticeable than ever to Builder. Shedletsky’s eyes themself seemed dull and lacked any of the mischievous spark which they used to have and which Builderman loved so much. But actually he wasn’t sure when he saw this spark the last time. Was it in the first months of Forsaken? Was it even before Forsaken?
Shedlestsky averted Builderman’s eyes, rubbing over one of the many bandages on his left arm and despite how much he tried to seem calm, Builderman could see the faint trembling of his hands.
“Years ago you fell in love with Telamon.”
Shedletsky stopped, taking a shaky breath and it was painfully obvious to Builderman how much he struggled with keeping himself at least a bit together. After not having a single opportunity to sit down in private and really talk things out with his partner after they all got out of Forsaken until now and after only being able to feel that something was up with Shedletsky but only being able to guess what was up and how bad it was, seeing now in how much pain the other one was, realizing how bad things had gotten once again, seeing him struggle like this became more and more painful for him to watch with every passing minute.
He knew where this was going and he did not like it. No, he felt a cold, gut wrenching feeling deep inside of him.
With an uncharacteristically quiet and weak voice Shedletsky continued.
“You know. The “god-like” admin. The undefeated sword fighter. Who can blame you for falling for such a person. And now look at me…I’m nothing like this Telamon anymore. I am a mere empty shell. I am not the person you fell in love with.” The further he got, the more desperate he sounded and the more he sunk into himself.
After he had finished the last sentence, it seemed like all his remaining composure and energy had drained out of him.
Now everything he had tried to keep neatly bottled up and sealed away inside of him had been said. Now these ugly thoughts and this awful feeling had been revealed and was shown openly to Builderman, the last person he wanted to see him like this.
Disgustingly vulnerable and scared.
It had already been enough that Builderman had been able to see behind his crumbling facade which he had tried so hard to keep up since Forsaken and especially after all had managed to get out of the cruel games.
It had already been more than enough that Builderman kept looking at him with such worry in his eyes, asking him quietly if he was okay since he would look so tired and in pain.
It had been enough that he saw him twisting and turning at night in their bed, trying to find a position in which his damaged, weak Robloxian body didn’t feel like it was pierced with several swords and in which the never ending pain deep in his back where his six large, stunning feather wings used to be seemed manageable.Now there were just ugly deep messed up scars. Six of them covering nearly his entire back serving as horrible reminders of what happened and as a reminder to how much he fell from grace. A painful reminder of who he used to be and that he will never be able to become this person again. Not after everything which happened. The loss of his wings would always reveal his weaknesses to people and it would always show everyone that he was in fact not undefeatable but vulnerable.
It had been already enough that Builderman knew that Telamon used to pull feathers out of his wings until flying became impossible due to pain for a few days whenever he was too stressed and that now, Shedletsky was still unable to get rid of that habit, now picking at his own skin until it bled to somehow be able to put up with everything he felt and to somehow let it out.
And it especially had been more than enough that now, after weeks of trying so hard to pretend in order to be there for all the other scared survivors and to give them some sense of stability after getting thrown back into the real world after years of fear and utter brutality, most without having anything to go back to, Builderman had to walk in on him, more lying than sitting up in front of their bed, on the cold hard wooden floor of their room, only wearing his pyjama pants and with his arms, one of his hands, his wrists and some places of his upper body covered in multiple bleeding little wounds.
The stress had gotten to him this evening and exactly today, Builderman had decided to end his work early in the evening. He didn’t want Builderman to see him messed up like this and he especially didn’t want him to burden himself with taking care of him now, he wanted to prove himself that he was at least able to take care of himself now after everything, at least that, but Builderman had gently helped him up, walked him to the bed, sat him down and took care of his wounds with such a careful touch and such gentleness that it made Shed wanting to tear out his own hair.
He loved Builderman so much that it hurt and he was so thankful that they were together, that he was given so many opportunities to be with the other in a closer way than just work colleagues but he couldn’t help but feel guilt.
Builderman met an entity with large golden-brown wings, wearing a silky cloak with golden accents, wielding and controlling seven swords with ease and who was undefeated in every aspect. He didn’t sign up for a weak Robloxian with awful habits.
It was a nice evening, not too cold, not too hot outside. Builderman could have been sparring with Telamon on the heights. Laughing, playfully teasing each other, practicing their skills. He shouldn’t be here, taking care of Shedletsky’s wounds. Or even if this would have been an evening in which Telamon had torn out his feathers again, sitting on the floor surrounded by many shimmering soft feathers, cloak lying next to him exposing his tired and angry face, Telamon would have still been able to gloss over the fact that he had issues with everything else. His fight abilities, his powers, the fact that he was undefeatable even if it meant crashing on some evenings under the stress of holding up this image while having such weak and shameful mortal feelings like fear for his only child and worry over losing his love to one of the many hackers or cultists attacking more and more frequently and more drastically than before.
Now he didn’t have anything he could gloss the less admirable stuff over with. Builderman was forced to see him like he was, without anything left of the glorious Telamon and he felt so naked underneath his worried, pained gaze.
Shedletsky tried to keep his composure but he felt like every energy was gone and on top of that he felt ashamed for telling this to Builderman.
With a pained sound, he let this head fall into his head and everything which Builderman was now able to hear, everything that was now breaking the silence which felt heavier than before was the sound of quiet shaky sobs.
After hearing what Shedletsky had said, Builderman had sat there like frozen in place for a moment, staring at the other one of disbelief unable to utter anything and honestly unable to even form a sentence in his head but now he sighed deeply, carefully closing the first aid kit which snapped together with a soft metallic clicking sound, before setting it down next to him on the floor. He then got up from where he had been crouching, before carefully sitting down next to Shedletsky. He sat down next to him closely, their bodies touching while Builderman was fidgeting in his own hands. He knew that if in such a state, Shed didn’t particularly liked to be touched but that he still always craved the comfort of the physical touch of his loved one so he had eventually figured out that it would be the best to sit next to him closely, until he had calmed down a bit, the closure reminding him gently about the fact that Builderman was there, right next to him and that he wouldn’t leave. That Shedletsky wasn’t alone.
“It might be true that I fell for you when you still called yourself Telamon but I never loved you just because of this image of a perfect, overpowered, undefeated, glorious person.”
Builderman spoke calmly and with a soft voice, looking at his partner. His first and only love who he still loved so much that his heart ached from time to time.
He knew that Shedletsky was struggling with accepting his past self. He struggled with accepting that Telamon and Shedletsky were more or less the same person and that Telamon wasn’t better than Shedletsky.
He knew that Shedletsky struggled so much with accepting that he was loveable and worthy of being loved now without his powers and without this image of him which he could hold up like a wall which made it nearly impossible for others to see who he truly was underneath the glamour and the achievements. But he had hoped that it wouldn't get as bad as it was now. He couldn’t help but feel guilty for not noticing how bad it had gotten underneath this tired smile.
He just wished that Shedletsky would eventually see himself like Builder saw him and that he would realize that Builderman didn’t mind the imperfections. That Builderman loved him so incredibly much and so deeply for who he was. As a person. As a being.
“I never loved you because of a title.”
“Shedletsky, I love you because you are you.”
And this was nothing but the complete and plain truth. Nothing romanticized, nothing added. Just the truth. Just how he felt and how he had always felt since day one, since the day he first saw Telamon standing in front him with his wings spread, holding the Illumina in his hands while all the other SFoTH swords were slowly spinning behind him in the air like a wheel. Yes he had been impressed, stunned and speechless by the appearance of the king of The Heights about whom he had only heard stories before but what had really made him fall for Telamon that day were the way he could talk, the way he viewed things, the bad jokes he was making, the utterly stupid and ridiculous ragebaiting and what really made him truly fall in love completely were the weeks and months afterwards, where they had started to work together as admins. Seeing him happy, angry, sad, embarrassed, curious, seeing how caring he was for his child and his followers underneath that facade of acting like he was better than everyone. The mischievous side to him he loved just as much as the serious one. It was never the glorious title. It was the person behind it.
Shedletsky was now finally looking at him, for the first time since he had started to bandage his arms and patch up the other places. He still held up his head with one hand and he looked more tired and vulnerable than before, his eyes glassy and his face now wet from crying but he was looking at him, finally. And he looked at him with such a surprised, unsure gaze which still managed to be full with love.
“I held you when you were dying in my arms in this cruel game, I saw you tearing out your feathers in despair. I won't get scared away by this now. I never only saw you as a perfect unflawed entity, I saw you as you and I can’t help but love you so much that my heart aches and that I thank the higher ups for letting me meet you everyday. Shedletsky, I will always love you, no matter in which form and no matter if you are lying in front of me, bloody and crying, if you are sitting on the couch speaking absolute and utter nonsense just to ragebait Elliot or if you are standing in front of me in a golden robe with your face hidden underneath a massive hood and with a billion damn swords spinning behind you in an epic way. I will always love the person behind it all. With all your imperfections and with all your flaws. You don’t need millions of achievements and perfect facades to gloss over everything not so glorious. I want you with everything that makes you, you, you know?”
Shedletsky looked at Builderman, opening his mouth, closing it again before opening it again but he couldn’t produce more than some sounds which were barely understandable as “You” and “I” or a “but”. Tearing up once again. However before Builderman could say anything more, Shedletsky suddenly practically leaped at him, locking him in a bone crushing hug. While startled for a second, Builderman couldn’t help but smile a bit, hugging him tightly as he cried.
“We will figure it all out somehow. Together. Okay? But give yourself some time to heal too man”, mumbled Builerman while carefully caressing Shedletsky’s back. “You keep telling all the survivors to take it slow so apply your own damn logic on yourself and give yourself some grace. You don’t have to prove anything, yeah? Especially not to me. And also not to yourself or to others, they understand. Look at them there is not a single person in this household who isn’t struggling day and night. Me included. And you don’t have to be the one person who is keeping it together for the sake of others. That’s just ridiculous and would also seem weird. Not you struggling. You being “perfectly okay”. That.”
Shedletsky nodded weakly but still voiced a “but” which Builder cut off before he could continue the sentence just one word further.
“Oh shut. I don’t wanna hear it, I don’t wanna hear but’s Shed just, no.”, grumbled Builder, putting his face into Shedletsky’s messy curly hair, closing his eyes, hearing Shedletsky chuckle.
“Not even giving me the smallest chance to talk back huh?”
“Not a single chance.”
Now Shedletsky also closed his eyes with a tired small smile on his lips.
“Ok then. I will accept this for this one occasion.”
“You better will.”, laughed Builder quietly before sighing quietly and kissing the top of Shedletsky’s head, still holding the other one, who was by now tiredly lying in his arms utterly exhausted from crying and from his previous actions, still as tightly as before when they started holding and hugging each other.
“I love you. More than anything. And I’m sorry for everything I said and did in the last hour. I hope you know that.”
Once again it was Shedletsky who broke the short silence between them, his voice little and cracking but calmer then before and without it dripping of anger, regret and desperation.
Builderman hummed quietly, holding Shedetsky just a bit more tighter, a bit surprised himself that this was even possible, but still careful not to hurt the other.
Shedletsky rarely ever said the three words and especially not with anything like what he just said added. While he didn’t need to say anything for Builderman to know he felt, it still felt incredibly nice to hear him say it from time to time and by now Builder himself couldn’t really stop a few tears from falling down anymore.
“I love you too. More than anything Shedletsky. Just like I said earlier. And don’t worry about the other stuff. It happened. And we managed it. And if it happens again, I will be there and we will manage it again. I promise you that.”
Now it was Shedletsky who hummed happily.
They continued to hold each other closely like that for some more time, soaking up the others warmth and enjoying the others presence, listening to the others breathing and Builder listening carefully to Shedletsky’s breathing become more evenly and calmer again until Shedletsky eventually moved a bit, sitting up a bit more and looking at Builderman.
“I don’t know what I would do without you.”
Builderman just smiled softly, carefuly wiping the remaining tears off the others cheeks with his own hands after softly swiping some hair strands out of the others face.
“No really”, said the other quietly,
“There are no words to really exactly tell you how deeply I lov e you and how incredibly thankful I am that I met.”
“I can give exactly that back to you.”, was everything the other said.
They were still holding each other, their faces now only inches away from each other, their foreheads already touching since Builder had softly leaned his against the one of Shedletsky.
Really there wasn’t really anything left to say they both knew what the other felt without saying it.
Builderman gently cupped Shedletsky’s face with one hand, pulling him closer. Closing the last very few inches of distance, he kissed him softly.
He kept his hand on the other cheek, caressing it softly with his thumb while Shedlestky let one of his hands rest on the back of Builderman’s head. Shedletsky had carefully adjusted their positions as well so that their legs were now comfortably intertwined.
They both were so painfully gentle and careful with each other, as if they thought they could accidentally break the other.
Since they had gotten out of Forsaken, they hadn’t had a chance to really talk about the things that were obviously on Shedletsky’s thoughts but they also didn’t have a chance to really just be together, rushing through reparations and helping survivors and killers likewise, and doing tasks, falling in bed tired at the end of the day so this felt like making up for this.
“ I love you”, was what Builderman quietly murmured over and over again, between gentle kisses and each and every time, Shed felt like either tearing up or hugging Builderman to close suffocation.
Eventually they just resorted to just holding each other again, eyes closed.
After some time had passed, Builderman did however insisted on getting up, much to Shedletsky’s distaste, and he insisted on Shedletsky putting on clean pyjama pants and a pyjama top since he felt the other who was previously feeling painfully hot, now finally getting colder again. However not wanting him to start to freeze, he pushed him gently into putting on a warm pyjama, helping him to carefully slip on the shirt, trying to touch as less bandaids and bandages as possible in order to minimize the pain which was caused by this action of putting on a pyjama shirt. While Shedletsky was already lying down in their bed, Builderman quickly tried to wash out a bit of the blood on the bloody pyjama pants which Shed had been wearing before. The he put on a pyjama himself before finally crawling to Shedletsky in their bed.
They were both exhausted, Shed more than Builder, and Builderman would never expect Shed to show himself like this to the other survivors in the building so instead of going into the living room to watch some TV until they both fall asleep, they just settled on going to bed early.
As soon as Builderman had lied down and pulled the multiple soft blankets and wool blanket topper over them, he was pulled close by Shed who hugged him tightly, intertwining their legs once again leaving as little space between them while still being able to lie down in a comfortable position for both.
Builder immediately returned the hug, holding Shedletsky once again carefully, burying his face in his hair too again.
Shedletsky’s eyes were already nearly completely closed and he looked close to dozing off and Builder too struggled with not dozing off as well. It had been a lot of fear and stress so obviously they both were exhausted and now, lying in the soft bed holding each other underneath the heavy warm blankets, feeling the warmth of each other and the presence of the other acting like a silent reassurance and promise that they weren’t alon that they were together, had each other and that they were safe, made the feeling of safety and tiredness finally wash over them.
While Builderman struggled somewhat with falling asleep peacefully due to the things Shedletsky said about himself still looping in his head as well as the image of how he found Shed in their room today popping up in his mind over and over again, causing him to overthink what would have happened if he wouldn’t have decided to stop work earlier this day and causing him to feel a bit sick in the stomach again, tightening his hold on Shed unconsciously every now and then, losing it quickly when he noticed it, the snoring of Shedletsky and the soft chattering of the others in the support house downstairs in the living room, the kitchen or god knows where they were in the house where he could still hear their chatting as well as the faint sounds of footsteps and the TV in the living room randomly starting to talk due to someone deciding that now would be a good time to watch some television were slowly but surely succeeding with helping Builderman finally falls asleep too.