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fuck church amirite

Summary:

"So. Boring as hell service."

Sex worker Spamton (CB) agreed to attend priest Spamton (Dove)'s church service. The priest is more entertaining than anticipated.

Notes:

This was written as part of Frantic Fanfics.

CB belongs to Stryder, Dove belongs to m00ps, and Jest belongs to Al.

Work Text:

Church. Why did he agree to this again? A bet he'd organized with himself, hoping that the priest was just as full of shit up on that altar as he was when free of it? Maybe just curiosity, perhaps. Dove had proven to be... annoying, to say the least, so CB wondered how the hell he could manage a captive audience every Sunday, or more. Maybe he didn't, but God did he manage to have his assistant around his little finger. Part of him felt bad for Jest, actually, if Dove was the one who he relied on for advice.

In CB's opinion, Dove was probably the worst out of the lot to go to for any sort of counsel; he figured he'd tell them to pray about it, and move along. How was a man so afraid of sin supposed to teach anyone about anything. Everything, when broken down enough, was a form of sin. CB had learned that a long time ago; no point in avoiding something that would come to haunt you whether you wanted it to or not.

His leg bounced as he sat in the back of the chapel, his ass already hurting from how hard the damn pew was. The cushion was no more than a thin slice of fabric- it offered no comfort.

He could hear the priest in his mind, saying some garbage about how comfort was only an illusion, and blah blah blah. Dove hadn't even said the words, but they still pissed him off.

CB sighed, slinking back further into the seat as Dove prattled on, half reading from his scripture, half speaking his own words. Both of which irritated him to no end.

Each passing minute felt like an eternity. Left with nothing but his mind to try occupy himself from the irritation of everything going down. The steady beating of his heart was something CB focused on to try make eternity end sooner, even if it didn't seem to do much. If it helped him to make it to the other side, then it should be fine, no?

A concoction of habits combined into a discordant bubble within his mind. One which had the sole purpose of making this supposed eternity just that bit more bearable. He was so occupied with it all that a sudden sound ripped him out of the mental wandering.

"Hey there grumpy pants." A velvety voice that shocked his mental systems as if it were struck with ice. CB grunted, shooting a glare at the individual wo dared to disrupt him. His eyes widened when he realized who it was: Dove. That damned priest had finished, and CB had been too lost in thought to notice.

A slight flush crept up his neck at the embarrassment of having been taken off guard by the priest, even as he was waiting for him.

Dove slid in by CB on the pew, folding his hands in his lap. Why did he have to try and do everything so damn demurely?

Couldn't he just sit down like a normal person, god, not glide like a whisp on the wing of the angel herself- all soft and elegant..

CB mentally shook his head as he looked away from Dove, who continued to smile at him with that seemingly welcoming priestly aura CB knew was all bull, only for the congregation still here who were still watching him and his actions as he sat there with CB.

Dove needed to keep up image in the church after all, as pews cleared out and patrons waved as they exited. It seemed Jest had already been put to work by him as well, as CB caught the pink Addison cleaning up the alter and store away books and incense. ...At least he seemed happy.

"So. Boring as hell service."

CB smirked and side eyed Dove, who's lip twitched. He simply took a deep breath in and kept that polite demeanor.

"Haha. Very funny. I pulled out some pointed verses today for you as well, maybe it's not my fault but yours."

"You structured your service around ME? Are you sure this isn't some fucked up ploy? Wanna convince me to be a nun so you can fuck me too?"

Dove shushed him noisily and looked over his shoulder, thankful to find the building mostly cleared out. CB drew his eyes back to Jest in the meantime. Why were their robes just below the knee? They're supposed to be to the floor.

"Like looking at his legs too, huh? A pretty thing to eye at. Maybe I should've wore shorts today."

Dove stands back up, seeing this only going south. But he doesn't walk away.

"Jest is a respected colleague of mine. His robes are only like that because he's wearing mine in the meantime. I lent him mine, after he told me he's not a woman anymore."

...If true, that was actually a nice action. CB didn't quite believe it yet.

"Right. And that's why you took his virginity too, huh?"

"Th-that was because he was aching! He begged me to-"

"And you told him it was HOLY?"

"...I didn't want him to feel the guilt I once felt. I wanted him to be happy."

"...And you keep lying to do that."

"If I have to. For Her Lady."

CB laughs.

"Keep tellin' yourself that if it helps you sleep at night."

Standing up from the uncomfortable pew he stretches his arms above his head until he hears a pop. The one he used to go to had better cushions built into the wood. Not some cheap ass, thin fabric wrapped around foam core.

"I didn't invite you here to listen to you judge my decisions on how I help others." Dove stated, getting up to follow behind. "Honestly, I'm surprised you stuck to your word about finding something nice."

"As I said, Father, I know better." CB replied, words cool with barely held back distain for the other. "Apparently you don't with the robes Jest is dressed in though."

"Mercy is shown in a multitude of ways." He forced a smile, leading CB out of the sanctuary.

"Ah, yes, by taking men's virginity." CB leaned up against a statue of some long-dead saint. "I'm sorry to say, your holiness, but I'm not a virgin. So you can't relieve me of my mortal failings like that." He used big words that sounded priestly for effect.

"I - Shut up!" Dove stammered, yanking CB further into the alcove. "That's not why I asked you here. I wanted to save your soul -"

"Oh, we both know that's not why you invited me." CB smirked, hands going to the hem of the priest's too-short robes. "You wanted to indulge in... Earthly pleasures." He could do roleplay. Angel knows he'd been paid enough for it enough times. Priest stuff wasn't exactly his first choice, but it paid the bills.

"H... how much?" Dove asked.

"We can discuss that after." CB redirected. Some clients preferred to pretend like they were doing this without getting cash involved.

"No, you'll try and upcharge me. How much?"

"That depends on what we do." CB's hands were under Dove's robes.

His fingertips brushed against the priest's unclothed cock, a grin overtaking his face as Dove jerked, a hand flying to his mouth to cover up a groan.

"Oh, you were planning on this."

"Like you weren't," CB cooed. "Admit it, priest: you were praying to get me on my knees."

Dove stifled a shout as CB roughly shoved down his trousers and kneeled, chortling as he burrowed under his vestments. "Forgive me father, for I'm about to fucking sin."

He dragged his tongue up Dove's already stiffening rod, humming the first notes of a hymn at Dove's muffled whimpers, clutching at CB's head through his robe.

"Ohh--!" the priest gasped, hips twitching and stuttering. He fell back to the wall, knees bent, keening into his own palm. "Oh sweet Angel, forgive mee--!~"

CB pressed his thighs together and willed himself to take his time, circling the tip of Dove's pious cock, savoring his shallow thrusts and shameful moans. He paused for a breath as Dove's grip tightened and an uncharacteristic growl escaped him, leading CB to give a nervous giggle as he lapped and kissed his head and velvety underside. He felt the priest brace himself against the wall, firm up his footing, fully grab CB's jaw and head.

"NGGH--! R-REPENT--!"

With a strength CB couldn't have expected, Dove dragged CB over to completely sheathe himself, the tip of him bullying the back of his throat.

CB almost choked around Dove's length - it wasn't particularly thick, but it stretched so far down his throat it blocked all oxygen, making his head swim. He braced himself against Dove's thighs, relaxing his throat - inviting the man to use him, use everything his body had to offer - give in to temptations. And Dove didn't have it in himself to say no. He grunted and groaned quietly as he fucked into the invting, warm heat, gasping between each desperate thrust - already close from all the teasing, cock aching for release.

"Ah- fuck- b-be cleansed in Her name... T-take my seed!"

The tight squeeze of CB's throat made him cum in record time - shooting heavy ropes of warmth into the other man, CB's hands tightening on his thighs - pushing against his hold and sliding off the now spent cock with an audible pop, gulping down saliva mixed with cum to ensure nothing leaked from his mouth.

"Ah... That might be a new record, priest. Three minutes... Didn't even last five."

Dove covered his burning red face with his hand, averting his gaze - but not hurrying to tuck himself away, letting his slick, half-hard cock hang free against the cool air of the church.

"It is your fault, you... You... Sinner. My Lady has simply allowed me to give you the blessing earlier. That's all."

"If this helps you sleep at night... Sure."

CB was about to answer with one more witty remark when he heard something heavy drop somewhere near them - both sets of eyes looking to meet the wide stare of Jest, as he took in the scene before him.

"Spamton? What is going on here- OH MY ANGEL?!"

"JEST! THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS!"

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